joy

I had a delightfully tiring day tearing up the slopes in Tahoe.

However, standing in many many long lines made me realize something. Lots and lots of people are grumpy. Lots of people nag at each other, pick at each others little faults, complain about conditions that they can do nothing about...I admit that I often commit these crimes, but being around so many people today made me notice that there are more people like this in the world than I am happy with.

Why can't we just try and be happy? Times may get you down but I feel like there's always a bright side, and if there's not a bright side, hopefully there's a good friend and a stack of fresh-baked cookies to get you through.

What I'm saying is, I realize that we as humans are faulty. We make mistakes all the time, because that's how we learn. The thing that I am afraid of is making the mistake of not being happy. Too many times I've been frustrated with things outside of my power, things that I can easily forget about in the coming minutes. But I let these things occupy my mind and get me tangled within myself, so rather than enjoying the happy times that are flying by, I'm caught up in a mess that is easily forgettable.

This post is rather cliche, I suppose, because to sum it all up, I guess you could just say "don't worry, be happy."

But waiting in line with grouchy strangers today made me wonder how many people are really, genuinely happy. Do they find joy in their lives, every day? Do they even look for it anymore?

Amidst the freezing toes and fingers, the icy windshields and soggy pants, the unfortunate stomachache and random moments of eating shit, I had a fantastic time today. It was a perfect release, and it made me happy in ways too complex to put in words.

Other things that made me happy:
-cute, bundled babies being pulled in the snow
-muscle memory not failing me
-perfect fields of untouched snow
-POWDER, baby! (:

I hope joy is something I never forget how to find.

christmas day

Merry Christmas, all!

Is it just me, or is Christmas rather uneventful? This isn't necessarily a negative thing, believe me, I appreciate the uneventful days just as much as the days jam-packed with fun. But in my history, Christmas has always been a day when everyone just sits back and takes a breath. Which is good; most of us are living life too quickly without truly appreciating the present.

I woke up nice and late today, quite a change from the days when my sister and I would wake up at six in the morning to start opening presents. Presents were not a focus this year; I guess the real gift of the season is that I'm with my family and friends. Cheesy, perhaps, but I truly couldn't be any happier. Plus, gifts can be overrated. Cards, on the other hand, are too often underrated. I appreciate a heartfelt and well-written card much more than the big box attached...because cards are for keeps! And I like reading what other people write.

Plus, I keep cards for ages and ages. I still have birthday cards from when I was in seventh grade packed away, and any letters I get are stored similarly. I stumbled upon a letter I received from my pen-pal soldier in April 2007 and it made me wonder where he is and how he's doing...I hope he's with his loved ones. I can't remember why we lost contact. And I will admit, it worries me a tad.

Anyway, after a delicious Christmas lunch (my mom went all out and cooked rack of lamb, mmm!) I went driving with my dad. Quality father-daughter bonding time, no? I haven't practiced driving in quite a while so I was a little rusty to begin with, but I got more and more comfortable as I continued practicing. License, here I come! License is one of the words I spell incorrectly ALL the time. Thank goodness for Firefox's spell check feature.

My family + Crystal (who actually might be a distant relation, hahahah) are leaving for Tahoe early tomorrow morning. I can't wait to hit the slopes once more! Hopefully I won't fall on my face and be a complete failure and then some, but as I learned today with my driving, going back to something you haven't done in a while isn't easy as pie.

I hope you all had happy days as well. (:

it is hard to type

because my fingers are so cold. Haha, I exaggerate. But it is thirty-six degrees in Cupertino. It should not be this cold. Is this allowed?

Despite this BITING cold weather, I am actually enjoying myself, and hoping for rain for once in my life. Because rain usually means snow at higher/colder elevations, correct? And that means that we can take another trip up Montebello and frolic in the snow once more! I was there just a couple nights ago and there was a bit of it that hadn't melted yet. YAY! (:

Besides the late night hill adventures, Donut Wheel has been frequented twice in the past two days. The first night, I went with Richa and Tiffo and we got kicked out by the worker in cropped denim. He was giving us death glares all night, probably for our excessive laughter. Also the fact that we made fun of his "NO GAMES" sign might have been a factor. But still, we felt like badasses. And we were there for a good hour before he kicked us out, so no real loss. Haha. The second night I went with Meher, Katherine, Crystal, and Kevin and we managed to not get kicked out! He did, however, give us our donuts in take-out bags, probably an indication that our company was NOT welcome. Oh well.

The mall has also been quite a popular hot spot for me! And by hot spot, I mean a place where I somehow lose money surprisingly quickly. I need to be better at this. But I'm stimulating our economy! That's what I keep telling my dad, haha. Mr. Chiang taught me well last year.

Being home makes me happy. And it sucks to be stupid and not realize how much your friends really mean to you and how much fun you have doing nothing with them and how much they make you smile until you have to be ripped apart from them for a good four months. But hi, I'm stupid, and I kind of just realized now how awesome my friends are. Congrats, stay friends with me plzthx.

Winter break is pretty much just what I needed right now.

here again

I don't know whether or not I'm at home when I'm at Cupertino still! And in all honesty I'm not even in Cupertino, I'm in Santa Clara. Which causes confusion for poor little me. I live way too far. ):

I feel like wherever you go there will just be people you love and who (hopefully) love you back. That's where home is, I guess.

I think I'm in an incredibly crappy mood! But I will push on, regardless.

SO fall quarter is over, and I did learn a lot. Not necessarily book-knowledge but like...life knowledge. Haha, hooray for experience beating you in the face with a brick. That was a little harsh, fall quarter was nothing like that! I coasted along for the most part with some bumps along the way, but that is generally how things go for me anyhow.

Lessons learned?
1. Know how to focus on yourself and what you need to take care of. IE, if you have class early in the morning the next day, do NOT stay up until 4am with people who don't have class until the afternoon. Not really the best idea.
2. Don't spend so much money. Seriously. I NEED A JOB.
3. Eating ramen overly much isn't really the best idea. Not really.
4. TIME MANAGEMENT is crucial! But we have all heard that one before, duh.
5. Yes, college is different. Adjustments must be made, do not be so surprised/naive.

Goals for next quarter:
-sign up for dance classes
-go to the ARC regularly
-work on not eating super late at night
-work on not staying up super late, for that matter.
-be on top of my schoolwork

Okay...I'm done but not really. Boo. I think a really nice long nap would help me. I'm not in the cheeriest of spirits. \=

finals, yay!

Finals week is like a constant pajama party.

There is no need to even leave the hall, unless it is for food or delicious peppermint cookies. I have been in my pajamas pretty much since I woke up at one, and since then, I have been in my bed about half the time. Which I really, really enjoy. There is no motivation to look nice at all, or to even bother putting together any outfits. I could probably pack all my regular clothes and survive until Saturday with sweats and Hanes T-shirts...but I won't. Cause I'm too lazy to dig out my suitcase.

However, the emptiness is rather disconcerting. My last final is Friday at 4pm so I'm going about my day with a rather dark cloud looming ahead. The knowledge that I have this final in the last possible slot makes life a little harder. And yet, every time I turn on my computer to start studying, I seem to stray from the path and end up on facebook or watching ten episodes of How I Met Your Mother instead.

OH, life. I hope the rest of you are experiencing the success in studying/testing that I seem to lack.

study break!

Yeah so I've only been studying for like 20 minutes so far, what up! A girl deserves a good blogging break every once in a while.

My first final is tomorrow at 8 in the morning, hoorah.

And I am at the same place where very little seems to matter to me. The future seems rich and promising and far away, yet still within my reach. I am very excited to grow up and all that good stuff but this excitement does not translate into me being motivated in the present day. Hah.

I'm in the study room and I realize some people have very annoying study habits. Whispering along to your music is definitely not allowed, along with small dancing motions. It's very distracting and I want to yell at him to stop, dammit.

Also, people lacking common sense or practicality tend to annoy me a teensy bit.

And NO, I'm not in a grumpy mood. I just don't want to study. ):

Other than this week being finals week, I'm actually pretty excited for it. My finals fill the first and last spots offered (Monday 8am and Friday 4pm) and so I kind of have a fat span of empty space in between. Yes I will be studying, but not for 24 hours every day, so I'm pretty ready to enjoy some free time.

Oddly enough, I am not as excited for winter break as I was for Thanksgiving break.

holiday cheer

My suite, view down the staircase, and the common room. (:

My hall is amazing with decor and Christmas spirit! We sang Christmas carols tonight as our hall was judged for holiday decoration. And we ripped up paper and pretended it was snow and made snow angels and sang and danced and dressed up, and it was super cute! This was right after our hall banquet where we all got dolled up and pigged out. My hall seriously rockkkks.<3

Pretty much I am filled to the brim with holiday cheer! And optimism in general.

Like the fact that I missed one and a half out of two classes today don't phase me none! Also I am increasingly optimistic about my essay due Saturday and my bio final on Monday, both of which require much more work on my part. Does that tell you what a good mood I am in right now? I feel like I can do accomplish anything! All I have to do is get around to doing it..haha.

It might be the caffeine talking. I had a double shot Starbucks thingy today and perhaps the caffeine is hyping me up into some over-energetic/optimistic freak of nature. Could be that.

The Best Day by Taylor Swift is such a cute, simply happy song. Simple happiness is hard to come by, and I wish I could embody that feeling of peaceful, quiet joy the way that she does in this song. Appreciation of the smaller moments and simple pleasures is really important!


The Secret Santa gift I got! How scandy, as my friend Monique would say. Hahaha

it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone

Don't ask me to explain the title, it would take waaay too much effort. All I have to say for myself is that Taylor Swift is the greatest. Also, this blows my mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSfhyjKr7pE&feature=PlayList&p=7A8772C4056060AD&index=0. Favorite! This paragraph made no sense.

Everyone is at the hall dinner tonight, but I decided to skip out on it and opt for a study sesh/quick dinner duo. So that is what I am doing, except for that first part. Catching up on blogs seems a much more worthwhile way to pass the time, and I truly can not concentrate on studying when the leaves of my Caesar salad are the size of my face. (Seriously, eating this salad is ridiculous. Dressing splatters everywhere when I attempt to force even one oversized leaf into my mouth.)

I signed up for classes! Winter quarter consists of Management, Psych, and Humanities Core. I'm looking forward to next quarter, but not everyone else is. It's going to be BULLY for a ton of people and everyone will be studying all the time or at class or labs and we will have no time to socialize! Yeah, right...that's what they say now. But you know for sure that we'll be staying up late doing nothing as always.

So I stayed up until 4 AM yesterday, not studying. Duh. I was doing this riddle website with a couple friends and I strongly encourage you to attempt it! There are 20 questions and yes, it took us quite a while, but I do enjoy a good riddle. Too bad I am stubborn with things like this and ABSOLUTELY MUST finish all the riddles even though it is 4 in the morning and I have completely disregarded studying! Anyway. Here is the link: http://urlriddle.googlepages.com/

This late bedtime was really not a good idea. Instead of waking up at 7 to turn in my housing application as planned, I woke up at 10. So I missed the ideal housing app turn-in time as well as a shopping date at the vendor fair! ): After the fastest shower I've ever taken I went to class and then to Albertson's and finally onto a shuttle to Vista Del Campo, my apartment complex for next year.



VDC is freaking sweet. I don't really know what else to say other than that. Hopefully I'm going to be living in a 4 bed/2 bath apartment with Lesley, Sarah, and Jacki. I'm super excited to decorate and have my own room for the first time in seventeen years!! I kid you not.

I made it to the vendor fair eventually and bought another scarf to add to the stuff I bought yesterday. I spend way too much money, thanks. Stimulating the economy is definitely a top priority for me.

All the halls in Middle Earth are being judged tomorrow for their holiday decor. Our hall is pretty decked out; we have a wreath, stockings for everyone, giant candycanes, dangling dreidles, a tree, lights EVERYWHERE, and more! Today I sat for a good hour and made longlonglongg paper chains to hang on the banister and I must say it is pretty fab. Snowflake cutting is happening later in the night and I am thuper exthited! It seems like I am getting very into the holiday season this year, or maybe it is only because my hall is so damn cute. Anyway, paper-chain making was very therapeutic and it made me feel crafty, so the hour spent really was for a good cause.

I have progressed into a state of mind where little matters to me other than the right now. I really like being busy and having things to occupy me; the slow days are nice every so often, but a schedule with something always happening keeps me content and prevents me from focusing on things I really shouldn't focus on. Hoorah.

Also, hoorah for bandwagon hopping:

post a memory of me as a comment for this entry.
it can be anything you want.
maybe your first, maybe your favorite.
& post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.

never satisfied?

I actually really miss Irvine.

So it's weird to be home, because now I feel like Irvine is my home. I LIVE there...and I feel like I'm staying at a hotel here. I don't know where anything is in my new house and I haven't even been around that much to get to know it better. Plus, in about 24 hours my belongings will be packed away again and I will be flying south.

Don't get me wrong, I totally love seeing everyone. I realized how much I missed my friends when I first saw them and I got that super excited feeling in my throat/stomach and it's just like YAY! Still though, it's weird being here. I think winter break will be less strange because it'll be a lot longer and hanging out won't be so forced/rushed. We'll just go with the flowww.

Seriously, though. Is this how it's going to be from now on? Am I going to have to be torn between Cupertino and Irvine, always? Norcal or Socal? And why am I never happy where I am? When I'm in Irvine I want to be in Cupertino with my old friends. When I'm here, I want to be in Irvine with my new friends. Satisfaction is so hard to come by. I think what I really missed is a time that I can never really get back, when college wasn't really part of the equation and we all just had one home and we weren't flying around the world. The one-ness of it made things so easy. And now that this singularity is ruined it's difficult to be satisfied with what you have...cause it'll always be different from what it was before.

Now would be the perfect time for a cheesy line...but I say screw that. It's completely your outlook and your take on life that matters, so make it count and make sure you're being honest to yourself.

I'm all over the placeee.

And this is not really a Thanksgiving post at all. So here is a list of things I am thankful for:
1. Friends being at home in Cupertino and in Irvine.
2. TRUE friends who are more like family. Oh, and family.
3. Home cooked meals.
4. UCI and the amazing people I have met and the opportunities that are offered to me.
5. Good sales and good shopping. Plus, the ability that nice, new clothes have to make me happy. NO I'm not shallow.
6. Jack in the Box and their extensive and satisfying menu.
7. Weekends.

Most of all, I am thankful that I have a mind of my own and that I can pave my own way through life and do my own thing, that I can learn for myself and choose for myself. This freedom is incredible and not to be overlooked.

takeoffs and landings

I left Irvine today for the first time in two months, and I have to say it was quite a strange experience. My hall was gradually emptying out and so I said goodbye to my friends and headed to the airport. Irvine was really sunny and warm and I was pretty much giddy with excitement to be heading back to NorCal. My flight got delayed though -- but it wasn't enough to put a damper on my cheery spirits.

I love the feeling you get in your stomach when you take off or when you land. And I love looking out the window and seeing clouds stretching out before you as far as the eye can see, like a friendly ocean of soft comfort and luxury! The sky was tinted pink by the setting sun, creating an image all the more beautiful and appealing.

A short nap later and I was awoken by the pilot's voice telling the passengers that we were arriving in San Jose shortly. Looking out the window, I saw a very different scene. It was dark, and lights from the ground were barely breaking through the heavy fog and clouds to cast a soft glow. After I exited the airport I saw that the ground was wet and the air heavy with moisture. It was cold, much colder than SoCal and I somehow rejoiced in this difference. It made me feel at home, even though I really dislike cold weather and rain.

I finally got to see my new home! I enjoy it a lot, although the distance from my friends is a little annoying and stressful. I had a super nice Asian dinner with my family and then got to see everyone again!! Also, I spent $70 at Target. I'm glad that nothing has changed.

Samantha, Kathy, Hermes, Nate and I met up at Tartini and were joined by Meher, Arjun, and Andy after a bit. I punched Sam in the face....haha. NO GOOD. But it was seriously SO nice to just be with everyone again. Just hanging out and talking and doing nothing as always...it's comforting to be able to come back to the same (but different) people. I don't know how to explain, it just made me really happy seeing these familiar people.

I got to hang out with Natalie at Arjun's house too! And Crystal, for a bit...and I saw Paulina for a second. Really not a bad first night at all, and plans for tomorrow are definitely forming fast.

I love being at home and I love knowing that most of my friends are back in Cuptown sleeping in their own homey beds tonight. Maybe I'm in a super cheesy mood but DAMN I love you guys! Seriously...ok, I'll stop before I make you guys gag. But I would just like to close by saying that I am VERY excited for the coming three days! And then Sunday will just be sad all over again but I don't have to think about that till later. (:

tuesdays are less awesome

I missed my first class today and barely made it to my second one. I really could've just skipped that one as well, seeing as we did absolutely nothing productive.

I can not wait until I get home! My mom texted me today and told me that she was getting spicy chicken (MY FAVE!) and cooking Thai food for dinner tomorrow night. A home-cooked meal has never sounded so appetizing, especially after all my Ramen dinners.

Lucky find: my friend from my hall has 60+ swipes left. So she is swiping me in tonight and I love her. The end.

I recently started watching How I Met Your Mother after a bunch of my friends told me how great it was. So, being bored and not wanting to do my homework (what else is new), I logged onto Sidereel and watched the first couple episodes. DAMN it is funny. I'm currently downloading the first three seasons from my friend's hard drive...and for the rest of the night, I'm pretty much packing and watching HIMYM.

This show got me to thinking. Isn't it true that a lot of people meet their future spouses in college? What if you end up getting married to that one random guy you stole a pop-tart from that one time? Or that guy you drew on when he was passed out in the hallway? It's weird to think about the significance these people might have in your life. Who will stay a good friend and who won't?

The holiday season is getting me excited! (: Though I am pretty broke, which is a bummer. My hall is going all out for the holiday decorating competition. We're hanging snowflakes from the ceiling and wrapping the banisters/windows in lights and garlands/tinsel. Everyone is wrapping their door, and our common room is going to be decked out with a fat tree and stockings with everyones name! And to be PC we're putting up banners for Kwanzaa and Hannukah too. HOORAH.

In a little less than 24 hours, I'll be back in Norcal!

mondays are awesome

WEIRD TITLE RIGHT? I never thought I would say it, but I really love Mondays. They've become the second Sunday of the week, kind of. A slow transition into the beastiality of the rest of the week.

Reasons:
1. Class starts at one, and it's a five minute walk from my dorm. Thus, I wake up at 12:45 and make it to class on time, always.
2. Class is over by 2:50, so I'm back in my room by around three.
3. Today I got back to a girl party in the common room; pajamas, snacks, blankets, and Love Actually.<3
4. After that finished, we watched The Holiday.
5. Gossip Girl is on in four minutes.
6. I'm going to be home in two days.

My ramen dinner awaits. My Monday was great. (:

EDIT//
OKAY, Gossip Girl is NOT ON. It's okay. One Tree Hill will suffice.

sunday afternoon

Sundays are always so lazy.

Three and a half days until I'm back in Cupertino!!

I really don't know why I'm blogging, I have nothing to say right now haha. I'm excited to go home though! And I had a pretty fun weekend. I went to a blacklight party last night which was pretty sick.

13 meals left...oh no.

i should be sleeping

but I wanted to say a couple things.

1. I miss having people around me that I can really really count on. And I miss going to Donut Wheel late at night and talking about everything instead of actually doing homework.

2. Basically I miss having the really good conversations with friends.

3. I miss being around people who know how flawed I am and hang out with me anyway.

4. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now than at home, in my own bed, dreaming the night away with the knowledge that the people I love best are just a short drive away.

5. There are maybe thousands of things that I miss right now, and the list would probably bore you to death and make me tear up in some sort of over-emotional state. But yeah, keep it together, right?

6. I miss being the me that I was used to.

7. All this missing...and a small part of me beats myself up for not being able to fully enjoy my college experience or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.

Ok, everyone misses home and I bet all this is old news for you guys. I just needed to vent right now. Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow so you guys can all ignore the maybe hormonal blog posts of a jaded teenager at three in the morning. WOW, that is a winning combination.

Bye from a rather glum anteater in Irvine.

MEH.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-eu-britain-new-word,0,1807854.story
'Meh' is officially a word! Suck it, fancy English. We're slowly ushering in the official age of internet-inspired lingo. Can't wait to use GTFO in my next paper! Haha.

This formal introduction of 'meh' into everyday language comes at perhaps the most perfect time. There is no other word right now to better describe how I feel about college, boys, studying, drama, etc. Meh. It's all temporary, so why give it more attention and stress than it really deserves, right?

Meh is a way of life.

Anyway, to the more substantial portion of my blog, in bullet points this time because I am lazy and hungry.
-My Ramen supply is dwindling rapidly, I fear I will starve to death.
-I changed my meal plan for next quarter so I won't have to be Ramen girl again (hopefully).
-I really have nothing else to say.

Only like a week more until I get to go home. I feel like it will be such a welcome release and I am pining for it and counting down the days until I can reunite with my favorites again. I miss you guys. ):

I close with this quote, because this is how I feel ATM:
"Maybe we could be each others soul mates. And then we could just let men be these great nice guys to have fun with." -Sex and the City

Ah, the wisdom of single ladies in staggering Jimmy Choos will never fail me. And my love-hate relationship with that show is, I think, permanently on the love side now. SJP/Carrie just bug me to no end, but whatever.

GOSSIP GIRL IS ON NOW!! I miss my GG crew. ):

by the numbers

18: Number of swipes I have left (aka meals) for the rest of the quarter
25+: Number of days left in the quarter. This I am unsure about.
2: Number of meals I usually eat per day.
DILEMMA! This would be the time to run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

THUS,
3: Number of packages of Ramen I ate in the past 24 hours in a sad, sad attempt to save my swipes.
Predicted dramatic increase of Ramen consumption in the near future. If you are what you eat, I am definitely a bowl of noodles, chock full of MSG and way too much sodium. DELISH! ^_^

49: number of pennies to buy one bag of Ramen at 99 Ranch, which is why 99 Ranch is my new best friend. I love Asia and all things related to Asia (ie, CHEAP SHIT).

Side note: I bought a bag of spinach at Albertsons and had some with my Ramen and it was super satisfying. This is encouraging; I plan on purchasing several kinds of spices and other vegetables next time I am at Albertsons. And next time I am at 99 Ranch, I will probably get some super Asian meatballs. Might as well make it wholesome! Hah.

60: minutes I spent in Aldrich Park tonight chatting on the phone and (oddly) appreciating the cool November night.
3: good phone calls I had tonight, all of which made me smile like the big dork that I am.
13: number of cute bunnies I saw!

Also, Shawn. Here is your shoutout before I forget!! HEY CHUTNEY!!

13: days left till I fly home for Thanksgiving breakkk<3 style="font-weight: bold;">1: fat essay that requires my attention
80: pages of humcore reading left (Jane Austen's Persuasion. DULL!)
35: pages of bio reading left (DNA replication......even MORE DULL)
12: questions on my stupid bio worksheet that I actually have to DO now because
2: quizzes I completely forgot about and got 0's on. Eff my life.

And so, as motivation:
17: hours until it is officially the weekend for me!


OH, some people in my hall have termites in their room and I am terrified to my wits end and I can not sleep soundly at night. That is all.

Wait, I somehow wanted to mention Nate's reference to the Porn Palace in this post and give a shout out to us being terrible people (ie cancerous children), but I am really at a loss of words. Just like Michael Phelps at the Olympics, but a lot shorter, a lot more Asian, and a lot less underbite.

Okay, the lights in the study room just turned off. They are motion-activated and I am the only one in here so I had to run around and turn them on...and it was weird. I also had a weird one minute earthquake drill in my HumCore lecture today. I'm going to die in that class if we have an earthquake because I just sat on the floor and continued matching my MahJong tiles.

Now this is just dragging onnn.

finally asian

So I dyed my hair black...midnight black to be exact! Lesley and Sarah helped me and as of last night around 11:00 I became officially a lot more Asian. People have been having trouble recognizing me apparently! D: What do you guys think?

Also, I went on a rather epic journey to 99 Ranch to reconnect with my Asian side tonight. It was like being back home! I never thought that fishy smell would make me feel comfort as opposed to the usual borderline disgust. Plus I had a short conversation with a lady in Chinese, and I stocked up on tons and tons of Asian food. It's all sitting in a cute hello kitty tote bag reminding me of how Asian I really am! Hahaha. God I miss Cupertino.

strange days at uc irvine

I am in a strange mood so I suppose I will spread the love by writing up a strange post for all you lovely strange people...if you are here, that is.

It is Saturday, obviously. I got to hang out with Crystal yesterday and it was so very refreshing to get to just sit down and be chill and strange again. It feels like home. It sucked to have to say bye to her after only like an hour though, but I did have a very nice walk back to Middle Earth. The sky was perfect and the moon and stars were beautiful as well. Later on in the night I got the opportunity to go out and see the stars again and the city lights in the distance and it made me feel good. Hoorah.

Yesterday I went to Roscoes in Long Beach with some hallmates. It was delicious! Also very fattening but it is okay. We thought we saw Common but it was not him, just a lookalike. Quite unfortunate. I ate a hunk of cornbread that was the size of my face as well as the big momma special. I really got a kick out of ordering that. Also, I forgot what I was going to say after that so I'm sitting here pretending that I know what I'm saying. Moving on. OH! There was a FAT protest going on while we were there, which was exciting! People were marching on the street with signs saying NO ON PROP 8 and it was heartwarming and yummy. I wanted to join but my homies wanted to go home.

I should currently be working on my Humanities Core project because it needs my utter devotion and time quite like a small child would. Henceforth I will refer to it as my baby. My baby has five parents, four of which I will deem incompetent and confused. Of course this group does not include myself because I am ever so informed and responsible. If you are not getting the sarcasm that is dripping off the previous sentence then you are a sad, sad person. Anyway, I feel like I am the only person in my group who understands what we are supposed to do. The rest of them are following a sad, delusional pathway into a dark forest with trees that grow fruits shaped like F's. I WANT TO GO TO THE FOREST WITH A's!!! So for now I am trekking alone and re-shaping our ideas, possibly later on today I will sound the call and they will run to me like eager young puppies.

I am a terrible person and that was a really strange paragraph! Please forgive.

I have been in Irvine for over a month and I still have not been to the beach (during the day) or to a sports game. Thankfully the latter will change as of tonight at 7PM! I'm going to the opening game of the men's basketball season and I am supremely excited to make an anteater sign and yell ZOT ZOT ZOT with full force! Unfortunately I have a little bit of a sore throat (I may be sick, but I am also in denial) so my ZOTS! might be a little less energetic than usual. I had Airborne today for the first time...and I ate a tablespoon of honey with my brunch, my RA does that every day and she has not been sick for three years! So I am adopting this practice in the hopes that I too will have superhuman immunity. I am also excited to get a free CIA (crazy insane anteaters, UCI version of Bull Spirit) t-shirt tonight, so my friends and I are going to the Bren Events Center about an hour and a half early. YAY!

What else. I went clubbing on Thursday night, which resulted in a very tired Friday morning. But it was SO WORTH IT. I danced with a very cute Robin Hood. And there was also this big Asian guy dressed up as a...IDK what he was, but he had on like a bulletproof vest or something. Bulletproof monk perhaps. Anyway he was ridiculously inappropriate and humped the floor and countless other things, which was mildly entertaining but also disgusting. Also there was some guy dressed up like a tree with leaves stuck all over him, like ALL OVER HIM. And he was dancing next to me and seriously I was getting like leaf-burn. It was annoying to say the least. My friends and I dressed up as the Mean Girls with boobie holes, like when Janice cuts circles in Regina's tank top? Yeah, we were desperate for a costume but we did get some props from the girls who understood our reference. We also received many confused stares and head scratches from some boys but who needs them anyway.

The word 'strange' reminds me of that one TV show, Strange Days at Blake Holsey (???) High. So that is what I am referring to in the title of this odd blog.

I reorganized my whole closet on Friday Night.

Oh and everyone has written about Obama winning already but I would just like to contribute my piece! YAY!!! At the time when it was announced I was definitely running into an air mattress that was propped up against the wall. I have learned that air mattresses provide unlimited amounts of fun. I'm bummed that I wasn't more involved in the counting process, but it is okay. I enjoyed myself and I did partake in some post-election debates and excitement so all is well!

I guess I'm peacin out...I have a midterm on Monday and my HumCore baby is screaming at the top of its nonexistent philosophical lungs so I must go be mothering. People are hookah-ing tonight so I am excited to be left alone for ONCE! Sorry, I'm not hating but I do not like people in general right now. I am in a strange place. Toodles!

hello november

So WOW, November totally sprang up on me. It's election day already, so for those of you who can vote I hope you exercise this power and know that poor little me is extremely jealous.

I feel like I had interesting things to say earlier. I was in my Humanities lecture this morning and as usual, my mind was straying. This morning I happened to be thinking about blogging and several note-worthy topics occurred to me. Unfortunately I cannot seem to remember them at the current moment so you are left with reading this recollection of worthwhile thoughts that are now lost forever...so yeah, you're reading nothing.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:45 AM to sign up for housing for 2009. My roomie and our friend woke up early too, and we all thought we'd be done within a couple minutes and back to snoozing till the sun was high in the sky. Too bad the rest of my hall had the same intentions and everyone was up, pretty much yelling their asses off and being super annoying. Seriously, if I wasn't that groggy I would've yelled at them, but yeah, I was too lazy. Anyway. It wasn't only my hall that had waken up early apparently. It was the freaking rest of the freshman class. So the site to sign up opened up at 6AM and the server crashed promptly at around oh, I'd say 6:01 AM. Thank you, UCI Housing. Please don't come again. I've only heard a couple stories about people actually getting through and submitting their app, and these stories have been passed around like legends for the past 24+ hours.

So yeah, we can accurately say that that messed up my sleep cycle quite a bit. I feel like there is no night and day, it is just sleep whenever you want to. Which is most of the time. I don't even sleep that much at night anymore cause I take naps during the day, so night sleep accounts for only like 50% of my total shut-eye. Plus I have classes to wake up for (BOOOOO) and sometimes loud phone calls to listen in on...just kidding, I really wasn't. I couldn't help it. The girl next door to me was having a very loud and seemingly very painful breakup with her boyfriend at 9AM this morning. And honestly, my heart goes out to you and I hope you feel better, but I'm sleepy. Please help me out. Whisper through your pain!

Aside from the non-sleep, I am also getting very good at non-study. Yesterday I spent around four or five hours in the study room and I accomplished one task on my endless to-do list. I did everything BUT study. Caught up on Gossip Girl (YAY!), changed the settings of my computer, planned outfits for the rest of the week, and had many interesting conversations with Cupertino folk whom I miss dearly. But yeah, my poor friends Mendel and Descartes were shamefully neglected. My bad.

Oh also it rained this morning apparently. Lucky for me I wasn't awake to experience this odd sensation cause as most of us know, I am not a huge fan of rain. I went outside and stepped in puddles in my flip flops and mourned the worms on the sidewalk and basically dreaded the next five months. Yeah it's Socal and winter here is not that bad but STILL. I really do not like wetness.

I'm hungry. Ramen time! And I'm super excited for tonighttt YAY OBAMA!

we sang, we danced, we bought things

Sorry for my completely lame blog title but I guess it's just the after-effects of the most amazing concert ever. Ok so he was way better at the Fillmore cause it was more personal and I was only like 15 feet away from him as opposed to 50 last night, but DAMN. Jason Mraz is a god. He was as cute and strange and himself as ever and everything that he played was just pure unadulterated amazing. It was just what I needed at this moment in time, and now everything in the world is right again! (: He didn't play You and I Both which I was a little bummed about but everything else was just so good. I'm Yours, Clockwatching, A Beautiful Mess, Lucky, Make it Mine, Dynamo of Volition was soo much fun! And he closed with a new song that I really realllly loved but now I forget what it sounds like so I am going to get on that right now and figure this out.

Seeing Tiffo and getting to hang out with her was also pretty much the greatest ever. I realize how much I miss the Cupertino crew cause we're all pretty...out there and weird with our own little quirks, and we totally accept that and appreciate that and think it's maybe the funniest thing ever. So yeah I am totally counting down till Thanksgiving break when I can chill with all the fools again. We had Chipotle (my first time in like a MONTH, crazy I know) and Diddy Riese which was amazing. And we got matching JMraz shirts and took tons of pics and basically it was a fun fun time.

Halloween was pretty fun too...I lost a set of fake eyelashes so there goes that! And um...yeah. Halloween night was actually not the most successful function, a bunch of people got written up who weren't even doing anything so that was pretty effed up.

And today, being Sunday, is the day of rest. Cause I have NOT been getting enough of that lately. Kidding though, as usual, I have tons of homework to catch up on that I am definitely not looking forward to. Luckily for me Titanic is on right now and so this blog post will get abruptly cut off right HERE!

cheristotle

My Humanities Core midterm basically owned me. There were six short answers and one essay in a time span of 50 minutes and I pretty much did four decent short answers, two half-assed unfinished ones, and one very crappy unfinished essay. Going into it, I was totally aware of how unprepared I was. And this was basically the first time I ever really had test anxiety. I woke up this morning with "shitshitshitshitshit" running through my head like a broken record. BAD SIGN! I even got convinced into buying some tiny bottle of 5 hour instant energy for four bucks...I didn't even use it cause I don't react that well to caffeine. Haha are you getting the jist of how freaked out I was??

I spent last night reading over lecture notes and begging whatever otherworldly being is out there massively enjoying my pain to stop the madness. Honestly, after cramming lectures and notes and discussions into my head, I couldn't even think in a singular pathway. Things went in circles. You know that famous angel/devil sitting on your shoulders picture? Try like twelve of them in your head, running around like they all drank my stupid little energy shot thingy. Aristotle and Plato and my own voice (AKA CHERISTOTLE! Haha in my freaked out state I found that very funny..) all contradicting each other and competing for dominance. It was not fun. There is still hope though. Maybe my teacher will take my unconstructed and loosely worded sentences for genius and I'll sail through the class with flying colors!

Most likely not. I was standing in the hall waiting for class to start and I was talking to some class mates and I said "I am so FUCKING SCREWED!" in my (rather loud) regular voice. Then I turn next to me and OH HI BRIAN THILL PLEASE DON'T LET THAT STATEMENT AFFECT MY GRADE...good job, Chery. I slinked to the back of the room and wrote as fast as humanly possible.

I got home and found a cute postcard and a letter on my desk. MAJOR mood booster! (: I finally got Ben's autumn leaves from Massachusetts and Crystal's zot zot postcard. I love both! And I can't believe I have leaves from Massachusetts in my room. I think that is very cool.

Hooray for Halloween and the weekend being tomorrow! I have absolutely no motivation to do any work tonight so I will probably commit to my regular routine of staying up until 2 AM and eating ramen at ungodly hours. Toodles!

another "what I did today" post..

So today was the 25% off sale at the bookstore. It opened at 8 AM, and being the dedicated shopper that I am, I found a buddy to go with me at 8 AM. Funny how I can be motivated enough to wake up for 8 AM shopping but not for 8 AM bio lectures...duh. I actually expected the store to be pretty quiet, cause come on. 8 AM and college students usually don't mix. Contrary to my beliefs though...the store was packed. It was like freaking Black Friday three weeks early!! Thus my shopping strategy changed completely! I ended up getting a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and shorts. Who says I'm not a morning person?

After this extreme success, Joyce and I headed over to Pippin for breakfast. This was maybe the first or second time I've actually had a legit breakfast since coming here and MY was it delicious! We had cappuccinos and made a waffle with Oreos in it and it is QUALITY! (Haha)

So yes. My morning went remarkably well and it set the mood for the rest of the day, minus all the ridiculous studying I have to do for Humanities core. So my midterm is tomorrow and I haven't really started studying...go me.

The past few days have been relatively uneventful, just regular college times sleeping too late and slacking off too much, eating unhealthy deliciousness and sometimes suffering because of it. For example, I was boiling water in my hot water pot a few days ago so I could have some tasty tasty ramen (whoever invented ramen is my hero). I burnt my thumb on the hot steam pouring out of the hot pot. It got kind of swollen and red but it was fine for the most part. The next day I had ramen again and burnt my tongue...I think I should just avoid ramen altogether. Anyway. My tongue really hurts and I was brushing my teeth this morning and it started like...bleeding lightly. Sorry to paint a disgusting picture but I was super surprised and a little grossed out. OUCH ):

My suite decorated for Halloween! We put up ghosts, covered the lights with red paper, and taped down outlines of bodies that bitchy maintenance people later removed (!!!!). We even have a black light!! It's pretty bomb.

In other news, I miss my friends far too much. It's funny how this crazy wave of homesickness is just hitting me after being in Irvine for over a month. I just want to be back with my true homies for a bit so I can remember what it feels like to trust completely and be 100% yourself without having to censor yourself or fear the consequences of what you honestly say or believe. I miss the trust and lack of judgement and the non-gossipyness.

Till next time! If I can possibly drag myself out from piles and piles of Aristotle and Plato, that is. Wish me luck.

lazy sunday

On the contrary, Sundays are the most productive days of the week. Or they should be, for me at least. My list-making tendencies led me to fill a piece of paper with tasks that need to be completed for the day. And the dominant task on this hello kitty stationary is reading. Around 100 pages of reading maybe. Oh, and an essay that I really need to start on. And my resume. And my midterm is on Thursday! I really don't know how I let myself get so behind..I guess I've been counting on my Sundays to be full-on study days so I can get on top of everything before the week starts.

Unfortunately, Sundays I usually wake up around 1 or 2. Breakfast ended at 4pm today. My hallmates and I had to go to Wendys cause that's the only place open on campus for our messed up eating schedules. It was definitely delicious, but quite a surprise when we all sat back with contended sighs and then realized the day was almost over and dinner was right around the corner.

So yeah, I have a shitload of stuff to do today and the rest of the week. Luckily I have something massively amazing to look forward to: Jason Mraz in LA this weekend! I get to hang out with Tiffo and see Jason Mraz aka my LOVER! Nothing could be better. And with that in mind I will hopefully be able to persevere through this deathweek.

I finally put up pictures from home on my wall! No longer bare, it is now covered with YOUR smiling faces! Yes, you. I enjoy it. (:

surprises

I woke up yesterday feeling like shit in all senses of the word...physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. It was one of those days where you wake up and you KNOW shit hits the fan today, nawmean? Well as the day progressed I was more and more convinced that my initial instinct was correct. I stormed around with a pretty grumpy demeanor for the better half of the day, waiting until I could fall asleep and hopefully wake up in a more optimistic mood.

However, one king size bar of dark chocolate later and I was probably the happiest camper in the woods. Not only that, but everything else seemed to be going well too. I love being surrounded by amazing people who don't seem to get fazed by random girls with roller-coaster emotions.

So, yeah. I realized people will prove you wrong, and they'll rise to the situation. And the least I can do is be a happy person back to them! Cause nobody wants to deal with Oscar the grouch.

Carving pumpkins is good release too. I carved a batman pumpkin, tis awesome.

just kidding

So Friday night turned out to be one of the most fun nights ever. Contrary to my original desires, the girls and I went out! We got dressed up and went to Shocktoberfest, just as Three 6 Mafia was starting. Pretty amazing performance minus the endless sea of creepers. We went to the afterparty afterwards and danced the night away...for well, okay, an hour. Yeah it was a pretty lame afterparty but the dancing was good, the music was good, and there were some people getting hyphyhyphyhyphyhyphy which made me feel pretty much at home, haha. After that little dancing stint (with yes, MORE creepers) ended me and the girls wandered around and evenutally ended up at Jack in the Box at 2am. Post-fatty eating, we went back home and chilled with our boys and had a sleepover. So yeah, it was pretty great. I love weekends.

Yesterday was quite dull though. I went to the Spectrum and didn't buy anything but necessities (MADNESS) and browsed for Halloween costumes. I still don't know what to be and Halloween is right around the corner!

Sundays are always study days and chore days. I kinda like it..everyone's doing their own thing. We'll come together and have dinner and bitch and moan about our midterms and endless work and then settle back into the weekday schedule. It's getting so comfortable!

I have to take out my trash. See you on the flip side (:

friday night

So what does a college freshman, finally free from a fat midterm and fatter essay, want to do on a Friday night?

Absolutely nothing.

That's right. Which is probably why you find me here on blogspot instead of at the ARC with my friends. Also why I'm not going to watch three 6 mafia tonight at Shocktoberfest. Again, the reason why I didn't go to Fashion Island earlier today. Wow. Sometimes I really surprise myself.

And I can't stop thinking that tonight would be a perfect night for a bonfire.

I'm pretty tired and grumpy. Like I mentioned, my first midterm was this morning at 8 (so I've been up since 7, which COULD be a contributing factor for the grumpiness) and my college paper was due today too. I'm pretty pooped and I really wouldn't mind just vegetating in front of the TV with a bag of salsa verde chips until I fall asleep with my mouth hanging open. Just kidding, except you know I'm not.

This weekend should be pretty relaxing, something that I am DEFINITELY psyched for. YAY lazy days.

Ugh. Grumpy factor #2: my keyboard is being really spastic..while I type a sentence it'll like jump somewhere mid-type. So I end up with jibberish if I don't consistently drag my stupid little cursor over and click there, and delete, and re-type, and it is just a fat tranny mess that I absolutely do not want to deal with right now!

Okay....bye. Sorry for writing maybe the worst blog post in history.

update on LIFE!

As some of my close friends have noted, I have pretty much disappeared from the world of the interweb as of late. Deepest and most sincere apologies, friends! My bad. So what have I been up to in recent days besides avoiding the computer?

I've been going to the ARC basically every weekday (meaning Sunday-Thursday) with some chill kids from my hall and it's been amazing. I freaking love that place! Exercising has never been so fun. I run into hella people when I'm there too, like I saw Alyssa and Johnway really randomly one day. I have yet to see Kobe Bryant though. Unfortunate. ): I climbed the rock climbing wall again yesterday and ALMOST got over the overhang, but I was already tired from working out so I kind of failed and let go and just hung in the air like some overgrown, miserable spider dangling from a heavy duty rope. (Speaking of spiders, the spiders here are freakin ginormous and EVERYWHERE. So. Scary.) Rather embarrassing really, cause the wall is right by the entrance and basically everyone stares at you while you climb...well, stares at your backside. WHICH IS NOT FUN. ): But I <3 my workout crew and I WILL conquer the overhang by the end of the year! SUCK IT.

Last night I stayed up with some people until around 5am. After a rather intense study sesh and a pretty spontaneous late-night Jack in the Box run, we all happily drifted into food coma and crashed in the common room. Three hours later, an unhappy and dissheveled me woke up and basically ran to class.

Work is starting to pile up and I have a bunch of stuff to do on a regular basis...lots of reading and note-taking and checking websites to make sure I don't miss quizzes/reading assignments (OOPS). Plus midterms start next week and I have my first ever college essay due tomorrow SO wish me lots of luck! Besides the workload and the sometimes-falling asleep in class my classes have been pretty good. Next quarter I'm definitely getting later classes though cause it sucks major ass to be up when everyone else is still sleeping. Plus, late night talks with guilty thoughts of early classes just ruin the vibe.

I <3 IRVINE! I'm having so much fun and I'm so excited for the coming days. Tonight is the basketball game that some of the boys in my hall are playing in and they're super pumped to be competing and I am super pumped for them. We've all gotten so close and everyone in my hall is superchill and awesome. (: Later this weekend my hall is going to go eat Korean BBQ, it's a couple of people's birthdays, and CRYSTAL IS COMING TO VISIT! God I miss that girl...and the rest of you old MV readers. (: Till next time! Which I promise won't be that long. <3

OH AND I WORE MY GLADIATOR SHOES TODAY! Update on flip-flop tan is NO GOOD. And my gladiators merited some compliments and some guy called me Maximus.....ummmmmk.

changing colors

Contrary to what you may think, I am not referring to the transition into bright leaved and colorful autumn. I'm talking about my flip flop tan.

Since arriving in SoCal, I've been wearing my beloved Rainbows basically every day. A few key occasions merited gladiator shoes or running shoes, but other than that it's been Rainbows from day one. Evidence is presented in the prominent tan I now have, making me look like I really am wearing flip flops every day even when they are absent from my feet.

I'm getting more and more used to Irvine, and with this comfort comes love. I love the ARC, I love my hall, I love the Thai lettuce wraps!! I do miss Cupertino and my friends though, and I'm glad I have photos up in my room to look at whenever I'm doing homework or just missing them.

Yesterday I went to the ARC with some people from my hall and climbed the rock-climbing wall! I got all the way up which was both a surprise and an accomplishment that I was very proud of. I'm planning on going back and trying to climb the side with the overhang, hopefully it'll balance out my arm muscles, because yes, my right forearm is still noticeably larger than my left due to my year of scooping ice cream.

bandwagons and things

My first class was today! Humanities Core discussion. A rather small room with 20 students in desks with reclining seats (!!!!!) all pointed towards an updated version of David Clarke. Except his name is Brian Thill and he's a little bit more current and hip than David; he watches Lost and the Office, texts on his Blackberry, and keeps his hair short and trim. Other than that the two are pretty similar: melodious voices that soothe you to sleep (had to keep my eyes from drooping), energetic and super knowledgeable about lit and everything concerned with it, and very genuine, approachable, and pragmatic with a hint of sarcasm.

Towards the end of class, he started taking role. Since the theme of my HumCore class this quarter is "Thinking, Making, Doing," he requested that we share our favorite thinker after he called our name.

After hardly even finshing saying her name, the first girl promptly responds, "Thoreau." And goes into a little schpeel about why Thoreau is the greatest and how he really embraced his philosophical ideals and married practice and preaching and yadayadayada. It was a brilliant, well-thought out answer -- much more so than I had expected from anyone on the first day of school. Which obviously put more pressure on me.

As he goes down the list, the students call out names like Plato, Jane Austen, William Shakespeare...even some obscure philosophers I haven't even heard of. Damn, I think. Everyone is so damn smart. Hell, after that first response I started delving deep into my mind to think of the last time I was really actually, profoundly, impacted by a thinker. Hell, all I came up with was the guy who wrote Fight Club. Seriously, that guy was the man! But I didn't want to be the girl who says "UH, the guy who wrote Fight Club" on the first day of class. I seriously don't even know his name! So I cast that idea aside and resumed my hunt for a remotely interesting thinker.

Luckily for me, AP Lit prepped me well enough to know how to spew some big names out and by the time he reached my name, I had decided to hop on the nerdy bandwagon and say Albert Camus. What a lie, I pretty much hated reading The Stranger until the last three freaking pages. God. After I said that I pretty much hated myself for not going with my gut instinct and saying "that guy who wrote Fight Club." Not as intellectual sounding I guess, but at least it'd be real and honest. So that left with me a pretty sad feeling, but it's something for me to work on and it's definitely nothing a nice walk around Aldrich Park can't fix.

Side note: I LOVE ALDRICH PARK! Such a nice place to cancel out calories from last night's two corndogs, aka heaven in corn dog form.

my first official college post!

As the title of this post explains, this is my first official college post! I am sitting here in the pitch darkness, staring at the bright screen of my laptop and probably ruining my retinas but whatever, blogging is necessary for right now! My roommate, Sarah, is asleep, as I probably should be (considering I got a total of maybe six hours of REM in the past two days) but I can sleep in a little tomorrow and I want to reach out into a world I'm more comfortable in -- because SoCal is not that.

Don't get me wrong, Irvine is definitely nice. My hall is really nice and conveniently located near the dining hall, housing office, student center, and just a short walk to the BEAUTIFUL Aldrich Park. The weather is perfect, people are friendly and nice, and my room is pretty set up and I like it how it is. But it still doesn't feel like home, and I feel like I'm drifting around with no definite anchor. It's hard to be in a place with so many people you don't know, trying to build connections and find that click, but part of me thinks that you really can't force it. It'll come with time, just chill and go with the flow! Oh well, who said life was easy. Just doesn't feel like home yet, and I hope that it'll get there soon though. For the most part I am keeping busy with the crazy welcome week activities and missing my friends like a crazy person. ):

This whole experience has really made me question the type of person I am. I always thought I was the independent, outgoing type but I realized I can be really dependent on others and pretty introverted. That's not the best version of myself at all, and it's definitely not the image I want to project on these first few crucial days. It's just tough cause it's all so new and different I guess...I take a while to get used to things.

Contrary to the general tone of my entry though, I have been having fun. Welcome week is CRAZY and the people I've met and hung out with have been really nice. So far I've pretty much settled in my dorm, bought most of my books, gone shopping, bought a TV!!, explored campus at night (BUNNIES EVERYWHERE!!! Chiang didn't lie.), checked out the freaking AMAZING ARC, and participated in hall competitions. Fun stuff! For the rest of the week I'm looking forward to the pre-show of Eagle Eye, Middle/Mesa Mixer, Iron Man in Aldrich Park, shopping at the District, and the beach trip this Friday! I am even excited for classes. How surreal. I really am enjoying myself though, just wish my good buddies were here to share the fun and sun.

last goodbye

SO I'm in a hotel room in Irvine! It's weird to think that this morning was really the last time I'll ever live in Cupertino. How strange. Also, mornings are SO not my thing so I definitely didn't even realize the full impact of it all until I woke up around 2:00 when my parents and I went to lunch in LA. GO ME!

Anyway, I don't have much to say right now except I am very excited to move in tomorrow at 2ish, and that I miss my friends like freaking crazy and I wish you were all here with me. ): Irvine will be a strange adventure without my best buddies at my side.

I will update later! For now, I need to get my books and some other supplies at Target...then tonight definitely webcamming with my homies.

This was a pretty useless post but I just wanted to alert the internet and all it's users that I am alive and well. More laterr.

wow, life.

Life is not captured in photographs. I just spent the past hour and a half looking through photos and trying to decide which of them were college-wall-worthy. I wanted my favorite photos EVER, ones that still make me smile when I see them. I thought I got a pretty good set of them until I actually looked through my selection again and realized they kind of suck. They're not giving me what I want, but what I realllly want is something I can't bring to college. I want my friends with me, not just 2-D pictures of them on the wall, reminding me of what I'm missing. Here is where I heaved a big sigh and accepted the fact that things are definitely changing.

BIG DAY TOMORROW.

Last note: friends with blogs make me happy! Update often, cause I like you guys. (:

REM adventures

First I was in an unfamiliar hotel room with random MV kids from 07, 08, 09. I stepped out of it into a bare patch of ground and saw that we were in the hills. Shawn was sitting under some trees and we decided to go for a ride in his car. For some reason, I sat behind him instead of sitting shotgun. I remember rolling the windows up and down and enjoying the speed at which we were careening through the hills. Suddenly I looked up and the sunny, rounded hills were gone and we were driving up a huge, steep mountain, with the peak shrouded in fog. We could only see about 20, 30 feet above us and yet we kept going up that damn mountain; I remember thinking that we were probably going up it at a 90 degree angle. I look out the window to my left and see an old, Amish-looking couple standing on the porch of their small house. They were gazing around at their property and as my eyes followed theirs, I realized their house was planted in the middle of a huge cemetery. White gravestones populated the spaces of lawn as dandelions often do, bearing a heavier emotion than yellow weeds would. At this point my heart grew heavy and fear and regret settled within me in some dark place. Soon, we took a right turn and the road flattened. Now making our way through a dense, black forest, I thought about each of my friends who had left for college already and felt how much I missed them. I voiced my thoughts to no response from Shawn; he just kept driving fast through the dark trees. Suddenly our surroundings changed into that of an indoor shopping mall. Deserted, dimly lit, and spacious, Shawn careened through the mall making wild turns and even driving through a diamond shop. The salesgirl didn't seem to mind, she kept reading her magazine through her rimmed glasses. After exiting the diamond shop I found myself alone, standing by the entrance of the mall and seeing people coming in. Familiar faces strolled into the shopping mall, each looking for something in particular and bypassing me with no second thought. I sat down in a swivel chair and soon saw Kevin was making his way into the mall. I remember I was singing 'Goodbye To You', and then Kevin pushed me on my swivel chair out into the dark parking lot, which was surprisingly filled with cars. Spinning and spinning away from the mall, I saw headlights flashing as I narrowly missed one speedy white sedan, and then I woke up.

I had a dream, and it scared me to pieces. I woke up with 'Goodbye To You' echoing in my mind and a heavy sadness plaguing my thoughts.

Two days.

another dream shattered

TAXIS ARE SO EXPENSIVE! I always imagined taking taxis everywhere (just like in the movies set in NYC) would be so much fun. Hailing a bright yellow cab and then racing off to some far off corner of the earth seemed like such a fantastic thing to do. Little did I know this feat requires LOTS and lots of money in the bank. Crystal and I were stranded at the Mountain View Caltrain Station today with little hope of getting home, so we decided to take a cab that was waiting nearby. I had always wanted to take a cab and was excited to embark upon this dream-fulfilling journey, but soon enough reality crushed my bright taxi dreams when, as I watched the meter intently, our fare rose a spectacular amount after not even exiting the parking lot. The rest of the ride was spent craning my neck in disbelief, staring at this magical machine that was telling me how broke Crystal and I would be soon, and wondering how on earth it could possibly be right that a 10 minute ride cost around $25. Moral of the story: don't take taxis unless you are stranded alone in a crime infested city with a 99% chance of getting raped and/or murdered! Anything less, and walking should suit you fine.

it's all about location

You know how Friends had Central Perk? The crazy kids I hang out with have favorite hangout spots too...and as I got to thinking about it, I realized we'll be missing some of these places soon. THEN where will we get to hang out and be our ridiculous selves??? ):

My pool area: witness to many a poolside picnic, tanning sesh, BBQ...the list goes on. Late night hot tubbing and spontaneous/hilarious dancing, awkward stretches and watermelon bars. After my parents move to a townhouse in SC we won't have access to the pool unless we hop the fence, and I've seen some fierce Valley Green maintenance guys yelling at kids who try to get in without a key. I don't think I can handle that!!

Meher's garage: after his parents move to India I don't think they're keeping the house! ): Where will we have all our scary movie nights? All our random singing/dancing parties? Where will we practice our Forever choreo?

Arjun's backyard: K so this will still be there, but bonfires will be completely changed if our little friend Baldie gets his way. Sure we can have bonfires on the roof (RIIIIGHT). No but bonfires will totally be different without that gorgeous view. Jeebus.

Anyway, this post was pretttty pointless, but what I'm really getting at is that the time to move is coming closer than I'd ever imagined, and I'm just now really appreciating what I have. Ok, or maybe I'm trying to make meaning out of a load of crap, you tell me. I'm tired!

Layang Layang was fun tonight, food was delicious as always and I'm glad we got to get together one last time. I felt like a mama bear with thirteen starved children.

a story about a sock.

I wrote this in the middle of cleaning today. A well deserved break, I would have to say.

---
A couple of minutes ago, I was thinking I held what remains of my childhood there in my slightly clammy, very dusty hand. I was holding a sock puppet. Crudely constructed out of an old sock, rice (yeah, I'm Asian. WHAT.) and some tape and string, I had christened this creature 'Gallop' and given him to my sister one Christmas long ago. The realization that I was actually holding uncooked rice that was over a decade old convinced me to throw out this particular piece of childhood. Thus 'Gallop' joined the multitudes of other miscellaneous old objects (collectively called CRAP) that I couldn't find the heart to let go of at one point or another in my life, but have since realized as useless and...rather old.

Admittedly, I write this now with stuffed animals surrounding me, all destined for my new Santa Clara home instead of Goodwill. (Those Goodwill-bound critters are in an unfriendly and suffocating garbage bag. Seven-year-old me would have shrieked with indignation and horror.) Yeah I haven't seen these guys since I last moved in 2003, but they're still the same friends I cherished when I was just a kid. Only now they smell like cardboard box. Fun how reality interferes with sentimental ponderings, isn't it?

Among the jungle of animals, I also found a set of Disney books. I spent some time flipping through it, admiring the pictures and not paying a second of attention to the words. As a child I would have read every single letter on every single page, until I'd finish the book. Then I'd set it down with pride in my accomplishment and move on to pick up the next book. Now I just look at pictures? Am I backwards or what.

---

Four days. So am I ready? No. I wasn't even ready to throw out a freaking 10 year old, rice-filled sock for crying out loud. But I'll get there.

Ten days

I started packing some stuff up, yesterday and today. Amazingly, I'm actually excited to pack my life away into boxes and get rid of the useless crap that has piled up over the years. I'm making piles: things to save, things to donate, things to toss. It's really quite a refreshing process, and the deadline I'm working towards only makes it more exciting to me. Ten more days and I leave this place, pretty much for good.

My parents are moving to a townhouse in Santa Clara at the end of September when I'm already at school. So when I come home from UCI, I'm not really coming home. New house, new surroundings...and I feel like I'll be estranged from my friends and what I've become so used to in the past four or five years I've lived in this apartment. This move will make it harder to come to Cupertino to hang out and just do whatever it is that we do so well, but hopefully I'll adjust and the people who remain important to me will still be as important.

Ten days left.

P.S.
Talking to my friends on Skype/AIM/gchat when they're so far away makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I'm glad we have internet. I'm sad that we're not still high school students with the same schedules/classes/teachers/hang-out spots. We're growing up, I guess! Tis a strange process.

No more camouflage
I want to be exposed
And not be afraid to fall.

like water

All my friends are trickling away. Slowly, like water draining from a bathtub with hair-clogged pipes. Forgive the rather grisly simile...but seriously. One day I will turn around and suddenly find myself very alone and abandoned, waiting until the fateful day comes when it is my turn to leave this place and embark on...whatever it is I will embark on. The bathtub will be empty!

Richa's grad party was tonight, which was bushels of fun and then some! I really don't get enough dance parties in my life to keep me happy. It got me thinking though. Someone brought up that we graduated SO long ago and I suddenly realized it really has been a long time -- like two months? How did that speed by so quickly. I still refer to myself as a senior, I think it's weird when 09 calls themself the senior class. I still feel like more of a matador than an anteater. And it still hasn't really sunk in that everyone is going their own separate ways in the coming days, weeks, months. Dancing with the people I've come to know/be comfortable around has made me realize that I'm really lucky to consider them friends, yadayadayada, and also that I'll probably never make friends in college. It takes me a while to trust people and be myself around them, so once that shell comes off and they see me for the random, weird chick that I am will they still want to be friends with me?!?! I feel like it'll take me a long time to find a support group/group of friends as great as the one I have right now.

In other news, I really love dancing. Such a stress reliever to just let go and feel the music and not really care that you probably look like an idiot. (:

Kathy, Sam, Liz and I are going to Tahoe tomorrow and staying for the next four days there. I can't wait! Some time away from Cupertino will do me good, I think. And time with these girls always does me good anyway.


And even when I'm scared I have to try to fly
Sometimes I fall
But I've seen it done before
I got to step outside these walls
These Walls - Teddy Geiger

textually active

chery: ily
yael: ly2

Oh, what a great age we live in, when the deepest sentiments of a human being can be expressed with a simple three letters. I'm not mourning the loss of the grandiose and flowery Shakespearean language, but I do find it a little funny how simple we believe it is to convey such emotions to one another.

I still found this funny, though. Made my day. (:

empty windows

My Firefox window currently only has one tab open, and this bothers me. I usually have around 3-5, one being Facebook, one being Gmail, one being a movie that I am loading, and one being a random website that I am looking at to pass the time while I wait for a new notification or for the movie to finish loading.

But as of right now I only have this one tab. Sure I could easily pop one open and start learning Italian or French or Greek (nts: mangolanguages.com), or shop for dorm necessities (ikea.com!), or even my fall wardrobe/wishlist (...too many websites). But I'm not! And I can't really understand why. So I'm here, on blogspot, spewing my word vomit and wondering what it is that I seem to be forgetting.

That's really what it seems like -- there's something I'm not doing! For the duration of the summer I've kept myself relatively occupied, not necessarily productive though. Now it seems as though I don't have much to do seeing as I've already seen a movie today (Becoming Jane) and facebook is not of any interest to me tonight. Yet I don't want to go to bed.

Sigh. I wish Cashmere Mafia didn't end after such a brief seven episodes. I really liked that show. ):

Random Recap

I think this post will be lacking in any interesting material whatsoever. So if you're not as bored as I am right now, I suggest you direct your eyes away! Go watch Project Runway on youtube or something, but keep in mind BLAYNE IS ANNOYING.

I feel like the past couple of days have been pretty eventful (in my terms) but I think it's just summer's time altering aspects that make fun things feel extra long and boring things extra longer. In reality only about the past 30 hours have been super eventful but I'm very excited to share details!

Kevin and Meher's birthday party was last night at the Commons clubhouse, apparently a retirement community? I don't know if that was a joke or not so I'll just...keep going with the story. It started off a little bit awkward but it gathered steam and turned into one of the greatest dance parties in history. Maybe a tie between this one and the Denver dance! Cause yeah that one was pretty epic. Highlights of the night include dancing on raised platforms like tables/fireplaces, numerous dance battles, getting yelled at by Neil the DJ for trying to find my inner DJ, "raving", and basically dancing till we all dropped. Pretty kickass. Now my neck hurts, I think I tried too hard to get hyphyhyphyhyphyhyphy. Yeah I'm a G. ANNNYWAY...

OH the whole night I was so tempted to saunter on over to the snack table and gorge myself on circus animals, numerous varieties of cake, tortilla chips and cheese dip (basically my all-time favorite snack) and here's the dead-ringer: chocolate covered strawberries! I'm pretty proud of myself cause within that four hour span I only drank water! This proves that I have SOME self-restraint, which is good, because I initially thought that I had none. Seriously, give me a bag of hint of lime Tostitos and a jar of Salsa Con Queso and all you will hear from me is munching noises for an hour!

Backstory on this non-eating weirdness though. Hermes, Liz and I went to Castro Street and had ramen at Maru Ichi (sp?) on Thursday evening, and somehow we got to deciding that I would go on a diet starting August 1st. Basic diet outline:
FOOD: six small meals a day to keep metabolism going. Of course, filled with delicious things like whole grains, protein, the necessary serving of fruits and vegetables, etc. As little processed food as possible, only eat out 2 times per week, and no ice cream or other over-processed deliciousness/obviously unhealthy foods like that.
CHALLENGE: NO ICE CREAM? We all know I'm made of about 50% ice cream, 50% fried things. What did I get myself into?
EXERCISE: 30 minutes of exercise every day.
CHALLENGE: I'm a fat lard. My day-to-day exercise usually consists of running up the stairs once in a while, only when my bladder feels like it's about to explode. I walk to work, sometimes I get up to fetch something I need from upstairs...you get the picture.
SLEEP CYCLE: Nine hours of sleep a night, sleeping before one and getting up before ten.
CHALLENGE: Um, it's like ten minutes to one and I have no intention of getting ready for bed yet. Also, I woke up at 11:30 today, surprised to find that my eyes were open in the AM.

SO, hearty good luck wishes would be appreciated, and motivation will be helpful. Seeing as I am already lagging. But NO, Hermes, you are not getting your $10.

After this fateful decision was made, I fully realized just what I was getting myself into and insisted on getting gelato or ice cream as a last treat to myself before I embark on this diet of death. The gelato place on Castro was wayyy crowded so we went to Carvel. So delicious. Sorry Baskin Robbins, but Carvel is obviously superior. I had cake batter ice cream which seems to be a favorite of mine, good thing we don't have it at BR to tempt me every day. Then I went to Arjun's house to watch Batman Begins/ABDC with Crystal, Meher, and Arjun, and proceeded to consume a slice of deliciously decadent chocolate cake with perhaps the best frosting I have ever come across in my whole life, as well as maybe a third of a pint of Ben & Jerry's Fossil Fuel ice cream. Seriously, Ben & Jerry beat out Baskin Robbins for best ice cream duo ever. Wow, I really have no love for BR! What a surprise. But yeah I basically pigged out that night, like I said, it was a dying woman's last meal! And I'm proud to say I have had no ice cream since then....ok, I lie. I had a sample of jamoca ice cream today at work because it looked so fresh and...textured. I don't know how to explain it but certain textures of ice cream really appeal to me and BOY did it hit the spot. Afterwards I felt bad though so I lugged around three gallon tubs of ice cream with extra vigor.

Totally losing direction of this post, but at this point I'm really just writing to recap everything that has happened lately.

Today I joined the Thai Pepper gang and then some to have lunch. I deemed Kathy and Ryan the Queen and King of Thai cause they're the only couple we eat Thai food with! Haha but my southeast-Asian-ness made me more authentic so I'm the Pad Thai Princess. At one point I was wearing a napkin on my head that made me look like a pope, but whatever. Food was delicious as always! I love how they give you soo much sauce, seriously my beef was drowning in yellow curry sauce. I saved some beef so I could take home all of the sauce without looking like a complete wang, and I had some rice smothered in sauce for dinner. So. Delicious. I need to look up if they have those sauces in jars so I can just cover everything in yellow curry sauce. Soo the diet is not going too well? Yep.
Memorable quote from today: I started singing that song, "I kissed a girl and I liked it!" And Kathy jumps in and goes "I didn't like it THAT much.." haha quite perfect timing.

AND TIFFO AND I JUST BOUGHT TICKETS FOR JASON MRAZ IN LA! He's coming November 1st which is a whole like..two days before he gets to Berkeley/Sacramento/other Norcal venues so we will have complete bragging rights for about two days! We're a little bit too excited about that part but seriously I'm so excited to see him in concert again. Although I don't think it'll be as epic as at the Fillmore, but I LOVE HIM so I don't care. (:

Oh and look at the time, two minutes past one. Screw you, bedtime!

Summer daze.

Notice my cute pun in the title? Yeah, NOBODY'S EVER USED IT BEFORE.

But I used it to illustrate the monotony of summer 2008. Yes it has its peaks, yes it has it's never-been-done-before moments, but for the most part, it's pretty much like any other summer in the past. Minus the very different and climactic ending and the abnormal length.

Anyway...I honestly haven't been doing much this summer. For instance, in the past 24 hours I:
-slept
-dug around in my mother's closet and found an amazing new face wash
-re-discovered the beauty of toast (especially on french bread! I had it twice.)
-watched The Devil Wears Prada for maybe the fifth time (I can NOT get tired of this movie! Reinforces my belief that I belong at a magazine)
-watched Funny Face for the first time, re-fell in love with Audrey Hepburn for the second time this summer
-worked at my beloved ice cream shop for four hours, sampling and snacking the entire time (I'm totally lying if I tell you I get sick of ice cream after working there for a year)
-planned with my sister to both be fabulously rich by a) working very hard and b) not eating food
-contemplated the idea of going outside in the dead heat to attempt to figure out what needs to be done to fix my bicycle. Decided against it, and made myself another piece of toast instead.
-emailed myself a list of items to save up $$$ for. List includes: suede Steve Madden slouchy boots, The Little Black Book of Style by Nina Garcia (<333), a new set of bras/undies (we all know it's what's underneath that counts) and some other winter necessities (fabulous coats, completely unnecessary in SoCal but TOTALLY delightful and worth it.)

Wow, writing all of that down lulls me into a false sense of productivity. I seriously have not been doing anything besides sitting on my bum singing along to Taylor Swift and waiting for my damn internet movies to load. I want this mad cycle to stop, because soon I will have watched all movies worth watching in the history of forever and then some, and then I will be fat and bored! Cause we all know that watching a movie is impossible/lacking in fun without some snackage.

So every night I make a plan of being productive...and every morning I acknowledge the existence of these chores and decide against crossing anything off of my invisible to-do list. Yeah, I don't write these things down cause that makes them actually exist for me. Shut up, I know I'm in denial.

I guess I should write something down here so I can feel guilty for being a bum again tomorrow:
-clean hamster's cage, seriously getting pretty foul
-sort through books to donate
-buy Q-tips at Target

And I guess I could look at my list of summer activities and start doing things. Seriously, they're pretty simple things. Clean room, read books, start cooking more? Not exactly marathon status but yet I still find these activities/time-wasters much too demanding.

I guess that's it for tonight, no I'm not going to sleep are you kidding? There is a whole world wide web for me to peruse tonight. I'm just tired of admitting to my bummery. So off I go!

Growth

I can't honestly say that summer is "flying by" or simply "dragging along". It seems to be moving at a reasonable pace, probably because my days are comfortably filled with things I enjoy doing and my list of goals to accomplish by summers end continues to grow. I've always liked knowing that there is something else to do; an empty summer stretching out before me threatens depression and lack of motivation to get out and get moving.

So what I strive for this summer is to not make the mistakes I've committed in previous years. I've always had periods of time where I shut myself in and try to force myself into some state of self-realization. It's always at times when I don't have things like school and a busy work schedule to distract me, times like winter break and the ever desirable summer vacation. Maybe it's because I'm spending all of this time with myself and learning more about myself and my desires with every coming day. In the past I've tried to force this knowledge and deeper understanding, not realizing that this can only come with time, as cliche as it may sound.

Thus I've rather appropriately made my goal for this summer to be to learn to be patient. I want to learn how to wait for things and realize that what I deserve will come along down the road eventually. I want to learn to appreciate the present view without longing for the blurry image of the future to sharpen and focus. Because how can you truly love and respect what it is you have at this moment if you are constantly looking forward, waiting for something even better to come along? The way I see it, everything I have right now is the best that it ever will be, and if something even better comes along, then I'll just have learned that the world is indeed a marvelous place chock full of pleasant surprises.

I realize that yes, I am in an incredibly optimistic mood. Two weeks into summer, what more do you expect from me? I'm looking forward to this time to strengthen friendships and delve deeper into figuring out what truly puts me into this rather euphoric state of mind. I want to be almost recklessly myself, because I fear that in the past I have been too timid and afraid to demand what it is that I know will make me happy. After all, you only get the respect that you demand, so maybe this famous line applies to happiness as well?

What else about this summer is so promising for me? The realization that this is the final chapter of a trapped life. Perhaps I exaggerate a bit too much, I do have a certain amount of freedom and I have to admit that I am much better off than some. But I look around myself now and it is the same four walls encasing me within this house that I am beginning to call a home (disregarding the terrible timing altogether), the same untidy scenery, the same clutter that seems to accumulate at my hands far too quickly. I can not wait to finally hold the reigns and to be in control of my direct environment; I feel that college will offer me this opportunity to prove myself as an independent being.

And calling this life a "trapped" one may also be too dramatic. I've been growing more fond of this place that I call home, which is saddening, seeing as my days are numbered here. Today was an exceptionally good day within the Sutjahjo household, I accompanied my parents to the library and watched a movie and had dinner with them. I went driving with my dad. I complimented my mother's cooking. I guess today was a very small and peaceful day, but it's the little things like this that accumulate and make me realize how truly lucky and very blessed I am. These days also make me sorry that I wasted time being glum and moody in the past. But I'm hoping I can at least balance that out this summer. I spent a lot of time reading today, and I realized how much of a bookworm I am. I can get shut inside of a book with the spell of words spinning around me, and I unwilling to be freed from that imaginary place that is such an easy escape for me. Books hold such an attractive allure that I have avoided far too long, and I can't wait to read anything I can get a hold of!

This post is going all over the place! But there is one simple thing that I want to state before I wrap up: I am happy. I hope it continues like this for a long time, because I have much that I look forward to and I want to be happy enough to be able to appreciate it and realize what gifts I have at my fingertips.

The "Graduation" Post.

I'm going to do my best to make this non-cheesy, non-cliche, non-depressing. And I don't even know where to begin! The fact that the class of 2008 is walking out onto the field in less than two hours and receiving their diplomas and GRADUATING still hasn't fully sunk in -- will it ever? Maybe when I'm dressed up in my cap and gown, maybe when I'm receiving my diploma, maybe when I'm hugging my friends and hoping that tears don't ruin the countless photos that are going to be taken up on the field.

Where do I even begin?

A couple days ago I was reading some yearbook entries that some of my closest friends wrote me. They were all so sweet and nice and I didn't realize how much I value and cherish and deeply love my friends until I was skimming through these entries. Some of you still haven't signed my yearbook yet! But that's beside the point. You guys told me that I was an amazing person and a good friend, and I have only you to thank for that. Each and every one of you has taught me something, has shaped me into who I am today. You've taught me how to trust and how to not be afraid to be myself, how to laugh at myself and how to mistakes. You've taught me how to enjoy my life and how to be the best that I can possibly be. Even more than these things that I've learned from you is the fact that you were there by my side experiencing these turbulent years with me. Together we grew up and changed...and hopefully we'll continue to keep these bonds.

So I guess we're somewhat grown up. Going off to far places to continue our education, we're all gaining independence and we're not going to be the same people one year from now, two years from now, ten years from now. All I can do is take this moment and thank you for being exactly who you are right now. I can't even express how much I care for all of my friends, I love to laugh with you and be silly with you and bond with you because you are all such incredible people. (Okay so I'm getting a little cheesy/teary but pushing on...)

As we march on forward to encounter whatever life holds for each of us, we may lose contact and possibly even forget about each other. But please know that all of you are very dear to me; at this moment I can't even imagine being separated from you and not seeing you on a regular basis. Thank you a million times for changing me into the person that I am, helping me realize what it is that makes me happy, and for giving me your friendship, which is the greatest and most cherished gift I could ever receive. I am going to miss you all so much! I can't tell you enough and I can't even describe how my heart swells with the thought of the amazing people I've become friends with, and I'm so proud of all of you. I love you so much it hurttts.

I hope that I'll find another way to thank you each individually because this is very impersonal!

Grad is so soon. I'm so thankful that I can share this day with those who I love best and who love me best. As cliche as it is, I know that I couldn't make it through high school without you guys.

And I don't even know what else to say! I need to plug up my emotions before grad so I don't cry and ruin all the delicious photos we will be taking. So maybe at SANP, please don't make fun of me. ):

I'll see you guys at grad...and congrats, class of 2008. Love forever.

Change

It didn't feel right.

Blades on the ice and skates laced tight around my ankles, I still didn't feel the stability that I once did. Was it really a surprise though? You can't expect to come back to a sport after two years of inactivity and expect to be able to have the same comfort and fluidity as you did before.

Eight years, countless lessons and sessions and early mornings and practices, down the drain.

Gliding around the ice, pushing myself harder, attempting to get the feeling back. That feeling of flying, flying but feeling so secure at the same time. Knowing that you won't fall because you're used to this feeling of flying, used to it but the novelty doesn't go away. All the same, there's a tempting danger about it. Wind in your hair and sharp blades piercing the ice, pushing and gliding and speeding away from anything holding you back. Thoughts and bottled up emotion are freed in this form of expression, thought no longer exists except in a singular pathway: what I want to do and how I am going to do it. Simple. Simple and free.

That’s how it used to feel, not how it feels now. Shaky and unstable, faking the freedom and faking the security. I couldn't get a real grasp on the feeling and I was worrying about falling, about going too fast and speeding into uncontrollable, dangerous territory. Feet wobbly beneath me, skates fitting differently, my acquired weight placed differently on the same skates I used for a year. Change happens.

I can't put a finger on what made me want to get back on the ice, I just wanted it again. Wanted that feeling, wanted it bad. Feeling constricted at school, overwhelmed with tests and finals and projects and essays, with a side of the agonizing and endlessly annoying teen drama that seemed to be cropping up at an amazing rate. I wanted to be free of that again, to feel nothing but the speed and the release from a world of things holding me back. Thinking stops on the ice and it's just the body and soul expressing themselves together, dancing in unison and creating an image of a perfect, graceful freedom and certainty of self.

But I was over thinking. Cautious of my steps and preparing each stroke, it stopped feeling natural. I guess you can't force it, but I tried my very hardest to squeeze this feeling out from somewhere within myself. Like trying to get that last bit of toothpaste when the tube has already been flattened.

I turned backwards, going fast, thinking of why I ever let that feeling escape me and how hard I would have to work to get it back. Swallow my pride and admit that things are not the same, hard work went down the drain, and that regret has been haunting me for the past two years. Regret in the form of beautiful, pure white leather skates with shining, sharp, silver blades, mocking me from inside the duffel bag in the corner of my room. Wings, really. Offering me freedom and a release, why did I let go of these?

I decided to try to act normal. Starting with spinning. Winding up, centering myself, and pulling in, gathering speed and the world turned into a blur. Within the circles I was tying myself into it still didn't feel right. Better the second time, and then again the third, but I was dizzy. Did I used to get this dizzy? Things change, I tell myself. They change and you change and you can't expect for things to stay the same when you come back. Can you ever really come back? Always different, things will always be different. Looking at the marks I made from the spin I knew things would always be different. No longer the tight and centered loops my coach once admired, these were loose and unkempt, scattered with no center and seemingly no focus. Things change.
Jumping -- jumping was something I had always been good at. Leaping into the air and letting go of fear and restraint, because with that you'll fall. Muscles and mind working together to focus on the end result, a planned set up and preparation, two rotations in the air, and a stable landing. Trusting your body and believing in the outcome, working in sync, like a well-oiled machine. Come on, I told myself. Jumping is freedom, and it's like riding a bike. You can't ever forget how to do it. It’ll come back to you with this, it will. I warmed up with a couple of simple, single jumps, focusing myself and trying to get the feeling back.

Skating into setup for the first jump I attempted in years: the axel. One and a half rotations. Soon I found myself on the brink of this jump, soon I was in the air, and soon I was landing -- too soon. Edges deeper than they should be, curving and teasing me with a fall. Too deep for comfort, too swingy. Arms and legs and abs and mind weren't synchronized or tight, not working together the way they used to. A couple more tries and I had this jump nailed.

Moving on to the double salchow -- it was nice. This had always been a favorite jump with an easy edge into it, and this was proven again as I landed solidly within one or two tries. Double toe loop next, dug my toepick in and projected myself into the air, an easy two rotations in the air, and a landing. Shaky. But not as bad as I had expected. Eager to move on I picked up speed and circled again, preparing for the double loop. Heading for the wall I turned backwards and aligned my skates, bent my knees and straightened my arms, and jumped, pulling my arms in tight and crossing my legs, rotating and waiting for the definite landing to come soon. It came, not in the way I expected.

THUMP. The wind knocked out of me I sat on the ice, the cold contrasting with the warm hope and joy that had been returning to me. I tried again and fell again, again, again.

That’s what I learned that day: you fall. You fall because things change and when you grow up, you change too. You can't expect things to be the same for you always, you can't expect to return and find everything the way it was, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to pick up your skates again and lace them up and jump and jump and land everything and be greeted with praise by your coach. Things change.

My feet were shaking, my whole body was shaking. My body wasn't used to this kind of exercise anymore, no more surge of power at the last minute and no more strength to hold onto a landing. Falling and feeling the ice beneath me, the cold truth that everything is in motion and everything is changing whether you like it or not.

You can never really come back to something and have it be the same, just like always, waiting for you. When you leave, you leave. You can visit, but it's no longer a world you belong to. You can stay and fight an endless battle against time and change or you can accept it, move on, look back at the memories with a smile playing around your lips. I’ve never been good at accepting defeat.

The next morning, I wake with battle scars. A body sore in unexpected places, muscles tight, and a dime-sized blister on the back of my right ankle, a piece of evidence supporting the fact that change happens. Bodies change and things don't fit the way they comfortably did in the past. Proof that things are different, a constant reminder with every step I take, needling pain and an angry area of skin, unhappy about being irritated after years of undisturbed peace. Somehow that blister gave me satisfaction. Proof of the battle I was waging against change. A useless, one-sided battle with a predicted outcome of my certain loss.