I can't honestly say that summer is "flying by" or simply "dragging along". It seems to be moving at a reasonable pace, probably because my days are comfortably filled with things I enjoy doing and my list of goals to accomplish by summers end continues to grow. I've always liked knowing that there is something else to do; an empty summer stretching out before me threatens depression and lack of motivation to get out and get moving.
So what I strive for this summer is to not make the mistakes I've committed in previous years. I've always had periods of time where I shut myself in and try to force myself into some state of self-realization. It's always at times when I don't have things like school and a busy work schedule to distract me, times like winter break and the ever desirable summer vacation. Maybe it's because I'm spending all of this time with myself and learning more about myself and my desires with every coming day. In the past I've tried to force this knowledge and deeper understanding, not realizing that this can only come with time, as cliche as it may sound.
Thus I've rather appropriately made my goal for this summer to be to learn to be patient. I want to learn how to wait for things and realize that what I deserve will come along down the road eventually. I want to learn to appreciate the present view without longing for the blurry image of the future to sharpen and focus. Because how can you truly love and respect what it is you have at this moment if you are constantly looking forward, waiting for something even better to come along? The way I see it, everything I have right now is the best that it ever will be, and if something even better comes along, then I'll just have learned that the world is indeed a marvelous place chock full of pleasant surprises.
I realize that yes, I am in an incredibly optimistic mood. Two weeks into summer, what more do you expect from me? I'm looking forward to this time to strengthen friendships and delve deeper into figuring out what truly puts me into this rather euphoric state of mind. I want to be almost recklessly myself, because I fear that in the past I have been too timid and afraid to demand what it is that I know will make me happy. After all, you only get the respect that you demand, so maybe this famous line applies to happiness as well?
What else about this summer is so promising for me? The realization that this is the final chapter of a trapped life. Perhaps I exaggerate a bit too much, I do have a certain amount of freedom and I have to admit that I am much better off than some. But I look around myself now and it is the same four walls encasing me within this house that I am beginning to call a home (disregarding the terrible timing altogether), the same untidy scenery, the same clutter that seems to accumulate at my hands far too quickly. I can not wait to finally hold the reigns and to be in control of my direct environment; I feel that college will offer me this opportunity to prove myself as an independent being.
And calling this life a "trapped" one may also be too dramatic. I've been growing more fond of this place that I call home, which is saddening, seeing as my days are numbered here. Today was an exceptionally good day within the Sutjahjo household, I accompanied my parents to the library and watched a movie and had dinner with them. I went driving with my dad. I complimented my mother's cooking. I guess today was a very small and peaceful day, but it's the little things like this that accumulate and make me realize how truly lucky and very blessed I am. These days also make me sorry that I wasted time being glum and moody in the past. But I'm hoping I can at least balance that out this summer. I spent a lot of time reading today, and I realized how much of a bookworm I am. I can get shut inside of a book with the spell of words spinning around me, and I unwilling to be freed from that imaginary place that is such an easy escape for me. Books hold such an attractive allure that I have avoided far too long, and I can't wait to read anything I can get a hold of!
This post is going all over the place! But there is one simple thing that I want to state before I wrap up: I am happy. I hope it continues like this for a long time, because I have much that I look forward to and I want to be happy enough to be able to appreciate it and realize what gifts I have at my fingertips.
6.29.2008
6.12.2008
The "Graduation" Post.
I'm going to do my best to make this non-cheesy, non-cliche, non-depressing. And I don't even know where to begin! The fact that the class of 2008 is walking out onto the field in less than two hours and receiving their diplomas and GRADUATING still hasn't fully sunk in -- will it ever? Maybe when I'm dressed up in my cap and gown, maybe when I'm receiving my diploma, maybe when I'm hugging my friends and hoping that tears don't ruin the countless photos that are going to be taken up on the field.
Where do I even begin?
A couple days ago I was reading some yearbook entries that some of my closest friends wrote me. They were all so sweet and nice and I didn't realize how much I value and cherish and deeply love my friends until I was skimming through these entries. Some of you still haven't signed my yearbook yet! But that's beside the point. You guys told me that I was an amazing person and a good friend, and I have only you to thank for that. Each and every one of you has taught me something, has shaped me into who I am today. You've taught me how to trust and how to not be afraid to be myself, how to laugh at myself and how to mistakes. You've taught me how to enjoy my life and how to be the best that I can possibly be. Even more than these things that I've learned from you is the fact that you were there by my side experiencing these turbulent years with me. Together we grew up and changed...and hopefully we'll continue to keep these bonds.
So I guess we're somewhat grown up. Going off to far places to continue our education, we're all gaining independence and we're not going to be the same people one year from now, two years from now, ten years from now. All I can do is take this moment and thank you for being exactly who you are right now. I can't even express how much I care for all of my friends, I love to laugh with you and be silly with you and bond with you because you are all such incredible people. (Okay so I'm getting a little cheesy/teary but pushing on...)
As we march on forward to encounter whatever life holds for each of us, we may lose contact and possibly even forget about each other. But please know that all of you are very dear to me; at this moment I can't even imagine being separated from you and not seeing you on a regular basis. Thank you a million times for changing me into the person that I am, helping me realize what it is that makes me happy, and for giving me your friendship, which is the greatest and most cherished gift I could ever receive. I am going to miss you all so much! I can't tell you enough and I can't even describe how my heart swells with the thought of the amazing people I've become friends with, and I'm so proud of all of you. I love you so much it hurttts.
I hope that I'll find another way to thank you each individually because this is very impersonal!
Grad is so soon. I'm so thankful that I can share this day with those who I love best and who love me best. As cliche as it is, I know that I couldn't make it through high school without you guys.
And I don't even know what else to say! I need to plug up my emotions before grad so I don't cry and ruin all the delicious photos we will be taking. So maybe at SANP, please don't make fun of me. ):
I'll see you guys at grad...and congrats, class of 2008. Love forever.
Where do I even begin?
A couple days ago I was reading some yearbook entries that some of my closest friends wrote me. They were all so sweet and nice and I didn't realize how much I value and cherish and deeply love my friends until I was skimming through these entries. Some of you still haven't signed my yearbook yet! But that's beside the point. You guys told me that I was an amazing person and a good friend, and I have only you to thank for that. Each and every one of you has taught me something, has shaped me into who I am today. You've taught me how to trust and how to not be afraid to be myself, how to laugh at myself and how to mistakes. You've taught me how to enjoy my life and how to be the best that I can possibly be. Even more than these things that I've learned from you is the fact that you were there by my side experiencing these turbulent years with me. Together we grew up and changed...and hopefully we'll continue to keep these bonds.
So I guess we're somewhat grown up. Going off to far places to continue our education, we're all gaining independence and we're not going to be the same people one year from now, two years from now, ten years from now. All I can do is take this moment and thank you for being exactly who you are right now. I can't even express how much I care for all of my friends, I love to laugh with you and be silly with you and bond with you because you are all such incredible people. (Okay so I'm getting a little cheesy/teary but pushing on...)
As we march on forward to encounter whatever life holds for each of us, we may lose contact and possibly even forget about each other. But please know that all of you are very dear to me; at this moment I can't even imagine being separated from you and not seeing you on a regular basis. Thank you a million times for changing me into the person that I am, helping me realize what it is that makes me happy, and for giving me your friendship, which is the greatest and most cherished gift I could ever receive. I am going to miss you all so much! I can't tell you enough and I can't even describe how my heart swells with the thought of the amazing people I've become friends with, and I'm so proud of all of you. I love you so much it hurttts.
I hope that I'll find another way to thank you each individually because this is very impersonal!
Grad is so soon. I'm so thankful that I can share this day with those who I love best and who love me best. As cliche as it is, I know that I couldn't make it through high school without you guys.
And I don't even know what else to say! I need to plug up my emotions before grad so I don't cry and ruin all the delicious photos we will be taking. So maybe at SANP, please don't make fun of me. ):
I'll see you guys at grad...and congrats, class of 2008. Love forever.
6.04.2008
Change
It didn't feel right.
Blades on the ice and skates laced tight around my ankles, I still didn't feel the stability that I once did. Was it really a surprise though? You can't expect to come back to a sport after two years of inactivity and expect to be able to have the same comfort and fluidity as you did before.
Eight years, countless lessons and sessions and early mornings and practices, down the drain.
Gliding around the ice, pushing myself harder, attempting to get the feeling back. That feeling of flying, flying but feeling so secure at the same time. Knowing that you won't fall because you're used to this feeling of flying, used to it but the novelty doesn't go away. All the same, there's a tempting danger about it. Wind in your hair and sharp blades piercing the ice, pushing and gliding and speeding away from anything holding you back. Thoughts and bottled up emotion are freed in this form of expression, thought no longer exists except in a singular pathway: what I want to do and how I am going to do it. Simple. Simple and free.
That’s how it used to feel, not how it feels now. Shaky and unstable, faking the freedom and faking the security. I couldn't get a real grasp on the feeling and I was worrying about falling, about going too fast and speeding into uncontrollable, dangerous territory. Feet wobbly beneath me, skates fitting differently, my acquired weight placed differently on the same skates I used for a year. Change happens.
I can't put a finger on what made me want to get back on the ice, I just wanted it again. Wanted that feeling, wanted it bad. Feeling constricted at school, overwhelmed with tests and finals and projects and essays, with a side of the agonizing and endlessly annoying teen drama that seemed to be cropping up at an amazing rate. I wanted to be free of that again, to feel nothing but the speed and the release from a world of things holding me back. Thinking stops on the ice and it's just the body and soul expressing themselves together, dancing in unison and creating an image of a perfect, graceful freedom and certainty of self.
But I was over thinking. Cautious of my steps and preparing each stroke, it stopped feeling natural. I guess you can't force it, but I tried my very hardest to squeeze this feeling out from somewhere within myself. Like trying to get that last bit of toothpaste when the tube has already been flattened.
I turned backwards, going fast, thinking of why I ever let that feeling escape me and how hard I would have to work to get it back. Swallow my pride and admit that things are not the same, hard work went down the drain, and that regret has been haunting me for the past two years. Regret in the form of beautiful, pure white leather skates with shining, sharp, silver blades, mocking me from inside the duffel bag in the corner of my room. Wings, really. Offering me freedom and a release, why did I let go of these?
I decided to try to act normal. Starting with spinning. Winding up, centering myself, and pulling in, gathering speed and the world turned into a blur. Within the circles I was tying myself into it still didn't feel right. Better the second time, and then again the third, but I was dizzy. Did I used to get this dizzy? Things change, I tell myself. They change and you change and you can't expect for things to stay the same when you come back. Can you ever really come back? Always different, things will always be different. Looking at the marks I made from the spin I knew things would always be different. No longer the tight and centered loops my coach once admired, these were loose and unkempt, scattered with no center and seemingly no focus. Things change.
Jumping -- jumping was something I had always been good at. Leaping into the air and letting go of fear and restraint, because with that you'll fall. Muscles and mind working together to focus on the end result, a planned set up and preparation, two rotations in the air, and a stable landing. Trusting your body and believing in the outcome, working in sync, like a well-oiled machine. Come on, I told myself. Jumping is freedom, and it's like riding a bike. You can't ever forget how to do it. It’ll come back to you with this, it will. I warmed up with a couple of simple, single jumps, focusing myself and trying to get the feeling back.
Skating into setup for the first jump I attempted in years: the axel. One and a half rotations. Soon I found myself on the brink of this jump, soon I was in the air, and soon I was landing -- too soon. Edges deeper than they should be, curving and teasing me with a fall. Too deep for comfort, too swingy. Arms and legs and abs and mind weren't synchronized or tight, not working together the way they used to. A couple more tries and I had this jump nailed.
Moving on to the double salchow -- it was nice. This had always been a favorite jump with an easy edge into it, and this was proven again as I landed solidly within one or two tries. Double toe loop next, dug my toepick in and projected myself into the air, an easy two rotations in the air, and a landing. Shaky. But not as bad as I had expected. Eager to move on I picked up speed and circled again, preparing for the double loop. Heading for the wall I turned backwards and aligned my skates, bent my knees and straightened my arms, and jumped, pulling my arms in tight and crossing my legs, rotating and waiting for the definite landing to come soon. It came, not in the way I expected.
THUMP. The wind knocked out of me I sat on the ice, the cold contrasting with the warm hope and joy that had been returning to me. I tried again and fell again, again, again.
That’s what I learned that day: you fall. You fall because things change and when you grow up, you change too. You can't expect things to be the same for you always, you can't expect to return and find everything the way it was, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to pick up your skates again and lace them up and jump and jump and land everything and be greeted with praise by your coach. Things change.
My feet were shaking, my whole body was shaking. My body wasn't used to this kind of exercise anymore, no more surge of power at the last minute and no more strength to hold onto a landing. Falling and feeling the ice beneath me, the cold truth that everything is in motion and everything is changing whether you like it or not.
You can never really come back to something and have it be the same, just like always, waiting for you. When you leave, you leave. You can visit, but it's no longer a world you belong to. You can stay and fight an endless battle against time and change or you can accept it, move on, look back at the memories with a smile playing around your lips. I’ve never been good at accepting defeat.
The next morning, I wake with battle scars. A body sore in unexpected places, muscles tight, and a dime-sized blister on the back of my right ankle, a piece of evidence supporting the fact that change happens. Bodies change and things don't fit the way they comfortably did in the past. Proof that things are different, a constant reminder with every step I take, needling pain and an angry area of skin, unhappy about being irritated after years of undisturbed peace. Somehow that blister gave me satisfaction. Proof of the battle I was waging against change. A useless, one-sided battle with a predicted outcome of my certain loss.
Blades on the ice and skates laced tight around my ankles, I still didn't feel the stability that I once did. Was it really a surprise though? You can't expect to come back to a sport after two years of inactivity and expect to be able to have the same comfort and fluidity as you did before.
Eight years, countless lessons and sessions and early mornings and practices, down the drain.
Gliding around the ice, pushing myself harder, attempting to get the feeling back. That feeling of flying, flying but feeling so secure at the same time. Knowing that you won't fall because you're used to this feeling of flying, used to it but the novelty doesn't go away. All the same, there's a tempting danger about it. Wind in your hair and sharp blades piercing the ice, pushing and gliding and speeding away from anything holding you back. Thoughts and bottled up emotion are freed in this form of expression, thought no longer exists except in a singular pathway: what I want to do and how I am going to do it. Simple. Simple and free.
That’s how it used to feel, not how it feels now. Shaky and unstable, faking the freedom and faking the security. I couldn't get a real grasp on the feeling and I was worrying about falling, about going too fast and speeding into uncontrollable, dangerous territory. Feet wobbly beneath me, skates fitting differently, my acquired weight placed differently on the same skates I used for a year. Change happens.
I can't put a finger on what made me want to get back on the ice, I just wanted it again. Wanted that feeling, wanted it bad. Feeling constricted at school, overwhelmed with tests and finals and projects and essays, with a side of the agonizing and endlessly annoying teen drama that seemed to be cropping up at an amazing rate. I wanted to be free of that again, to feel nothing but the speed and the release from a world of things holding me back. Thinking stops on the ice and it's just the body and soul expressing themselves together, dancing in unison and creating an image of a perfect, graceful freedom and certainty of self.
But I was over thinking. Cautious of my steps and preparing each stroke, it stopped feeling natural. I guess you can't force it, but I tried my very hardest to squeeze this feeling out from somewhere within myself. Like trying to get that last bit of toothpaste when the tube has already been flattened.
I turned backwards, going fast, thinking of why I ever let that feeling escape me and how hard I would have to work to get it back. Swallow my pride and admit that things are not the same, hard work went down the drain, and that regret has been haunting me for the past two years. Regret in the form of beautiful, pure white leather skates with shining, sharp, silver blades, mocking me from inside the duffel bag in the corner of my room. Wings, really. Offering me freedom and a release, why did I let go of these?
I decided to try to act normal. Starting with spinning. Winding up, centering myself, and pulling in, gathering speed and the world turned into a blur. Within the circles I was tying myself into it still didn't feel right. Better the second time, and then again the third, but I was dizzy. Did I used to get this dizzy? Things change, I tell myself. They change and you change and you can't expect for things to stay the same when you come back. Can you ever really come back? Always different, things will always be different. Looking at the marks I made from the spin I knew things would always be different. No longer the tight and centered loops my coach once admired, these were loose and unkempt, scattered with no center and seemingly no focus. Things change.
Jumping -- jumping was something I had always been good at. Leaping into the air and letting go of fear and restraint, because with that you'll fall. Muscles and mind working together to focus on the end result, a planned set up and preparation, two rotations in the air, and a stable landing. Trusting your body and believing in the outcome, working in sync, like a well-oiled machine. Come on, I told myself. Jumping is freedom, and it's like riding a bike. You can't ever forget how to do it. It’ll come back to you with this, it will. I warmed up with a couple of simple, single jumps, focusing myself and trying to get the feeling back.
Skating into setup for the first jump I attempted in years: the axel. One and a half rotations. Soon I found myself on the brink of this jump, soon I was in the air, and soon I was landing -- too soon. Edges deeper than they should be, curving and teasing me with a fall. Too deep for comfort, too swingy. Arms and legs and abs and mind weren't synchronized or tight, not working together the way they used to. A couple more tries and I had this jump nailed.
Moving on to the double salchow -- it was nice. This had always been a favorite jump with an easy edge into it, and this was proven again as I landed solidly within one or two tries. Double toe loop next, dug my toepick in and projected myself into the air, an easy two rotations in the air, and a landing. Shaky. But not as bad as I had expected. Eager to move on I picked up speed and circled again, preparing for the double loop. Heading for the wall I turned backwards and aligned my skates, bent my knees and straightened my arms, and jumped, pulling my arms in tight and crossing my legs, rotating and waiting for the definite landing to come soon. It came, not in the way I expected.
THUMP. The wind knocked out of me I sat on the ice, the cold contrasting with the warm hope and joy that had been returning to me. I tried again and fell again, again, again.
That’s what I learned that day: you fall. You fall because things change and when you grow up, you change too. You can't expect things to be the same for you always, you can't expect to return and find everything the way it was, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to pick up your skates again and lace them up and jump and jump and land everything and be greeted with praise by your coach. Things change.
My feet were shaking, my whole body was shaking. My body wasn't used to this kind of exercise anymore, no more surge of power at the last minute and no more strength to hold onto a landing. Falling and feeling the ice beneath me, the cold truth that everything is in motion and everything is changing whether you like it or not.
You can never really come back to something and have it be the same, just like always, waiting for you. When you leave, you leave. You can visit, but it's no longer a world you belong to. You can stay and fight an endless battle against time and change or you can accept it, move on, look back at the memories with a smile playing around your lips. I’ve never been good at accepting defeat.
The next morning, I wake with battle scars. A body sore in unexpected places, muscles tight, and a dime-sized blister on the back of my right ankle, a piece of evidence supporting the fact that change happens. Bodies change and things don't fit the way they comfortably did in the past. Proof that things are different, a constant reminder with every step I take, needling pain and an angry area of skin, unhappy about being irritated after years of undisturbed peace. Somehow that blister gave me satisfaction. Proof of the battle I was waging against change. A useless, one-sided battle with a predicted outcome of my certain loss.
6.03.2008
I guess it's really ending.
Is it just me or does the yearbook hold a certain air of finality about it?
Holding the book in my hands makes me realize how quickly our time here is running out. Did I make the best of it? Am I making the best of it? I feel like I'm barreling towards graduation without really knowing what it is I'm truly encountering. Perhaps a beast I know I won't be able to overcome. I don't want this to end right now, but what can I do? This is too much for me. ):
Holding the book in my hands makes me realize how quickly our time here is running out. Did I make the best of it? Am I making the best of it? I feel like I'm barreling towards graduation without really knowing what it is I'm truly encountering. Perhaps a beast I know I won't be able to overcome. I don't want this to end right now, but what can I do? This is too much for me. ):
6.02.2008
Just a good day.
Today was just GOOD, despite the fact that I'm only running on around three hours of sleep. Maybe it's making me crazy. But I'm filled with some kind of joy and exuberance and excitement for life, and I'm more sure of myself and ready to do what I think I need to do. Writing my creative piece last night really helped me change my mood today I think, and my outlook is just much more positive in general.
Songs of today:
That's Okay - The Hush Sound
Song In My Head - Sherwood
The Riddle (You & I) - Five for Fighting
Someone to Save You - OneRepublic
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
& even some old school Britney.
I need more days like this! I'm so thankful. (:
Songs of today:
That's Okay - The Hush Sound
Song In My Head - Sherwood
The Riddle (You & I) - Five for Fighting
Someone to Save You - OneRepublic
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
& even some old school Britney.
I need more days like this! I'm so thankful. (:
Happiness in a Nutshell; or, What made senior year SENIOR YEAR!
Happiness is a lot simpler than many people think. For me at least, happiness can be achieved with a couple of key ingredients. This is perhaps the greatest lesson I learned during my senior year -- how to be happy and how to appreciate the little things that make you smile.
Good Friends
Who you spend your time with is obviously important. Through thick and thin, I learned that friends will be there for you to have fun with, to talk to, and to rely on. I learned to trust people and how to be myself around them without being afraid of their judgments or opinions. This year I truly found the people that I love. The best moments from my senior year are moments such as the following; ones that I can look back on and still smile.
1. Farewell Dance - May 30, 2008
A bunch of my friends gathered at Paulina's house for the usual pre-dance girly rituals. Putting on makeup, taking goofy pictures, talking and laughing, the whole shebang. We headed outside to take group photos and decided to hang around outside for a while, since it was still really light out even though the dance had already started. This brightness brought back memories of middle school dances and repulsed us from the idea of going to the dance on time even more. So we came up with the clever idea of setting some cameras up on the fence post and putting them on timer and running around and dancing and jumping until the cameras took our picture ten seconds later. What followed was possibly the most fun half hour possible. Seven girls in brightly colored, customized shirts running around like maniacs, in a dance of pure joy at the thought of the freedom that awaited us in a few short days and the long journey that we had collectively accomplished behind us. These photographs really express the freedom that my friends give me, the chance to release any stress and just have fun without worrying what other people think. Yeah, people might think we’re out of our minds, but so be it.
2. Free-throw Friday - May 23, 2008
After a halfway successful senior ditch day, Kevin, Jason, and I gathered at Tim's house to play with his dog and try to decide on what to do. The boys started playing basketball and having a free-throw competition, and soon I was convinced to join. I hadn't picked up a basketball in years and I was afraid of them thinking that I completely suck at basketball (I do). But I took a shot anyway (literally) and tried a few times, initially failing miserably. But they taught me how to shoot right and soon I was making more baskets than I ever thought possible! A free-throw competition started between me and Tim, and the stakes were upped as it was decided the loser must buy the winner frozen yogurt. The competition was just between me and Tim now, and I was low on cash, concentrating on the basket and hoping for a miracle. I guess I kind of got one -- we tied, and bought each other frozen yogurt. That day taught me a valuable lesson; to trust your friends to not categorize you as some type of person and to let them teach you to move out of your comfort zone. I also learned this lesson from watching Friday the Thirteenth with my friends even though I am deathly afraid of horror movies. The experience was certainly a lot of fun just because of whom I was with, although the aftermath was not quite as enjoyable. Those images will haunt me forever! I couldn't go to sleep feeling safe for quite a while.
3. Night Swim - May 17, 2008
The sky was clear and the water was warm. My friends came over at around 9 PM to swim in the pool at my apartment complex. What was most striking about that night were the stars -- so bright in a sky so deeply blue, they shone as mysteriously and unwaveringly as only stars can, with the moon as their constant, glowing companion. I floated on my back staring at the sky, taking in the night and appreciating the company of my friends. I enjoyed the fact that although we all have our own lives and interests and busy agendas, we can still come together and relate to each other and enjoy our downtime.
Good Food
A dominant part of my senior year was food. Eating really is one of the ways that humans socialize and connect, and this year that was more than noticeable in my day-to-day life. Cars and licenses gave us more freedom to go out for lunch or for an after school snack, and a great deal of thought and time went into deciding where to go. (Photo caption: we tried to squeeze as many people into a booth at In-N-Out as possible. Needless to say, it was a LITTLE painful.)
1. Subway and the Incredible Five Dollar Footlong
There's not much more to say about this topic. Foot-long morsels of delicious toasty bread filled with meat and healthy veggies, topped with the flavoring of our choice and only for five dollars? It was healthy, cheap, AND delicious, a combination we had never encountered before. Subway booted out Chipotle as the top lunchtime fave, and we even made plans to hold an eat-your-height-in-Subway-subs challenge over the summer (maybe after starving ourselves for a couple of days). Every time I start eating a sub now, I can't help but think about the unique way one of my friends eats his.
2. Magnolia's (Midnight) Cupcakes
I found the recipe for Magnolia's Cupcakes late one night while perusing the interweb instead of doing my homework (similar to what I'm doing now). I decided to try the recipe out the next day and bring some to school. In typical Chery fashion, I started baking the cupcakes at around midnight and finished at 2 AM, once again neglecting my studies. But the cupcakes were a hit the next day at school and I baked and decorated a batch a couple of weeks later for my friend's 18th birthday. A week after that I baked and decorated 36 cupcakes for my birthday dinner and I was all cupcaked-out, but my friends were appreciative and knew how much work I had put into those tiny treats. As a result, half of my birthday presents were cooking related: cupcake stand, decorating kit, crème brulee set complete with blow torch and butane (the pyro in me rejoiced), and even a cupcake key cap. I became known as the "crazy cupcake lady," a nickname I'm not too happy with. But these cupcakes were my pride and joy and I'm happy that my friends thought they were delicious.
3. The A______ Baking Club (What the A stands for must remain a mystery!)
The birth of the ABC occurred at the beginning of the school year, when Chris, David, Crystal and I collectively decided to make tiramisu one night. It was a hit, although we did miscalculate the amount of ladyfingers needed and ended up with one empty corner. Throughout the year we met only four times, to make the tiramisu, cinnamon rolls, sugar cookies, and an appropriately named Turgloo (turtle shaped gingerbread igloo...you have to see it to believe it). We had so much fun cooking with each other; such an innocent domestic activity has never been so appealing. Although we did argue about cooking methods we all were able to celebrate the process as well as the product and those times spent in David's fabulously equipped kitchen are unforgettable.
Good Music
The soundtrack of my senior year consisted of a diverse bunch of songs, all with great beats and sometimes questionable lyrics (ie Lollipop by Lil Wayne?!). We listened to music and sang along while driving around, played music, danced to it, and even made it. Certain songs and artists will forever stay in my mind as a reminder of all the good memories of senior year.
1. The Music, Magic, Make-Peace Tour
Jason Mraz came to the Fillmore in San Francisco on April 5th. The concert was amazing. Four of my closest friends and I attended and stood in the crowded venue, only around 15 feet away from Jason Mraz. He immortalized himself as an artist and really showcased his talent, which was an inspiration. I stood in awe in the crowd, not taking my eyes off him and barely remembering to breathe. It's not just that he is an amazing guitar player and a person so filled with life, but his way with words and his lyrics really got to me. I always admire people who have a firm grasp of language and can easily express themselves in ways you wouldn't expect, and Jason Mraz is the epitome of this. For weeks after the concert, Jason Mraz was all we would listen to and all we would sing.
2. The Music Thread
If you open my gmail account, you'll find a thread labeled "the new music email." This is maybe the fourth "new" email filled with music that my friends and I find and share (illegally, of course, please don't tell on us). Each message sent has an attachment, whether it be an old song remixed and redone by Kanye West or an unreleased and unknown song that only the most hardcore internet scourers know how to access. All these songs are downloaded and uploaded onto iPods and then blasted in car stereo systems. Amazingly, they are heard on the radio weeks afterward, and we can all look at each other with smug expressions and know that we heard them first. Music really is the language that everyone understands, and it has becoming a (if not THE) defining factor of the relationship between me and some of my closest friends.
3. Vitamin C
At Senior Gala, Dumplings and Samosas performed their rendition of the infamously cheesy yet heart-tugging song titled "Graduation". Let me first give you a backup: the four guys that make up DNS are four of my closest friends, maybe the funniest guys on the planet, and people I spent a LOT of time with the past year. I didn't realize just how much I valued their presences in my life until that evening when I was sitting, watching them play and listening to them sing those sad words. I sat with my friends and we were all singing along until suddenly something weird started to happen. I couldn't sing...my throat was all choked up. And what was this? My vision was getting blurry! Cheesy as it is, I was tearing up and soon I was full-on weeping. The chorus especially got me, and the way they interpreted the lyrics and performed in a manner that is so typical of them. I've gotten to know them so well and I realized then how much I'm going to miss sitting in on their jam sessions and listening to them practice (which is rare) or just goof around (which is more often than sometimes appropriate).
Good Conversations
Like I mentioned before, I have a great appreciation of words and the emotions they convey. Good conversations can make my day and I'll feel this relief and happiness after really letting loose and talking talking talking about anything and everything. I talk with the people I really trust, because it can be hard for me to open up about what I'm really going through. I'm so glad to have found people who I can talk to about anything, and there are a few really memorable conversations that I'll never forget.
1. Jogging our Minds
Kevin, Crystal and I made our way into the gym at my apartment complex one night after I was done with work. Sitting among the various exercise machines, we talked about trust and friends and a lot of different opinions came out. We argued, discussed, tried to convince each other that our ideologies were most reasonable. Tears were shed, but that conversation was really heart stirring for me. That conversation will forever stay with me and I still refer back to what was said occasionally. That night is sacred to me, and even when I go jogging on the treadmill in that gym I can still see us all sitting there talking. Thinking so highly of our opinions and believing that we know it all, ready to take on the world and stand beside our beliefs. I don't think I'll ever have another conversation like that.
2. The Hill Behind Ben's House
Following behind Tomasz and his flashlight, Kathy, Ben and I made our way up a rather unknown hill at around 2 in the morning. It was a little bit creepy, there were no other people around and the trail was more of a deer trail than a human one. Nevertheless we followed it as bravely as we could and we soon reached an area we deemed appropriate for our sleeping ground. Laying down the tarp, I looked up and caught the beautiful view of the valley shining up at us, and I felt like we were there on top of the world together. We were all tired but we talked anyway because that's what we do. There's an amazing amount of trust within this group of four, it really amazes me. I woke up next to them (alive and unharmed by coyotes thankfully) and I lay there looking up at the rather dismal sky with the sunniest of thoughts running through my mind. I'm so glad I found this group of people to talk to, and I really can't find the words to describe how these guys make me feel, especially at this late hour. It's 2:30 AM. And that late night on the random hill proved just how inarticulate we all are in the wee hours of the morn.
3. Memorial Park's Memorial
Crystal and I don't drive. Which is a little bit embarrassing and a big bit crippling, as we must always be arranging rides for ourselves. Sometimes we walk home together, and when we walk home and don't want to go home we go to Memorial Park and talk. We sit on the low wall by the memorial and we talk like the two girls we are, full of hopes and fears and uncertainties about the future. These talks made me feel less alone and less uncertain, and even excited for the future because of the tentative plans we made (apartment in NYC, own a bakery, basically live the life of the characters on FRIENDS).
Conversations as a whole...there's not really a lot to say about them but they are quite possibly my favorite thing in the world. I love the click and especially the surprise you get when you realize you're not alone in your feelings or thoughts. I love reaching out and crossing the barriers and just letting the conversations flow, no holds barred, and I think the best conversations never really leave you the same.
---
Ironically enough, this write made me sad. How amazing that all of these moments are just figments of the past, lost to time and maybe even forgotten in another couple of years. What I can rejoice in are the many lessons I learned from these experiences and the people I got to know, the good times that will be with me whether I remember them or not.
This is much longer than I had originally planned.
Good Friends
Who you spend your time with is obviously important. Through thick and thin, I learned that friends will be there for you to have fun with, to talk to, and to rely on. I learned to trust people and how to be myself around them without being afraid of their judgments or opinions. This year I truly found the people that I love. The best moments from my senior year are moments such as the following; ones that I can look back on and still smile.
1. Farewell Dance - May 30, 2008
A bunch of my friends gathered at Paulina's house for the usual pre-dance girly rituals. Putting on makeup, taking goofy pictures, talking and laughing, the whole shebang. We headed outside to take group photos and decided to hang around outside for a while, since it was still really light out even though the dance had already started. This brightness brought back memories of middle school dances and repulsed us from the idea of going to the dance on time even more. So we came up with the clever idea of setting some cameras up on the fence post and putting them on timer and running around and dancing and jumping until the cameras took our picture ten seconds later. What followed was possibly the most fun half hour possible. Seven girls in brightly colored, customized shirts running around like maniacs, in a dance of pure joy at the thought of the freedom that awaited us in a few short days and the long journey that we had collectively accomplished behind us. These photographs really express the freedom that my friends give me, the chance to release any stress and just have fun without worrying what other people think. Yeah, people might think we’re out of our minds, but so be it.
2. Free-throw Friday - May 23, 2008
After a halfway successful senior ditch day, Kevin, Jason, and I gathered at Tim's house to play with his dog and try to decide on what to do. The boys started playing basketball and having a free-throw competition, and soon I was convinced to join. I hadn't picked up a basketball in years and I was afraid of them thinking that I completely suck at basketball (I do). But I took a shot anyway (literally) and tried a few times, initially failing miserably. But they taught me how to shoot right and soon I was making more baskets than I ever thought possible! A free-throw competition started between me and Tim, and the stakes were upped as it was decided the loser must buy the winner frozen yogurt. The competition was just between me and Tim now, and I was low on cash, concentrating on the basket and hoping for a miracle. I guess I kind of got one -- we tied, and bought each other frozen yogurt. That day taught me a valuable lesson; to trust your friends to not categorize you as some type of person and to let them teach you to move out of your comfort zone. I also learned this lesson from watching Friday the Thirteenth with my friends even though I am deathly afraid of horror movies. The experience was certainly a lot of fun just because of whom I was with, although the aftermath was not quite as enjoyable. Those images will haunt me forever! I couldn't go to sleep feeling safe for quite a while.
3. Night Swim - May 17, 2008
The sky was clear and the water was warm. My friends came over at around 9 PM to swim in the pool at my apartment complex. What was most striking about that night were the stars -- so bright in a sky so deeply blue, they shone as mysteriously and unwaveringly as only stars can, with the moon as their constant, glowing companion. I floated on my back staring at the sky, taking in the night and appreciating the company of my friends. I enjoyed the fact that although we all have our own lives and interests and busy agendas, we can still come together and relate to each other and enjoy our downtime.
Good Food
A dominant part of my senior year was food. Eating really is one of the ways that humans socialize and connect, and this year that was more than noticeable in my day-to-day life. Cars and licenses gave us more freedom to go out for lunch or for an after school snack, and a great deal of thought and time went into deciding where to go. (Photo caption: we tried to squeeze as many people into a booth at In-N-Out as possible. Needless to say, it was a LITTLE painful.)
1. Subway and the Incredible Five Dollar Footlong
There's not much more to say about this topic. Foot-long morsels of delicious toasty bread filled with meat and healthy veggies, topped with the flavoring of our choice and only for five dollars? It was healthy, cheap, AND delicious, a combination we had never encountered before. Subway booted out Chipotle as the top lunchtime fave, and we even made plans to hold an eat-your-height-in-Subway-subs challenge over the summer (maybe after starving ourselves for a couple of days). Every time I start eating a sub now, I can't help but think about the unique way one of my friends eats his.
2. Magnolia's (Midnight) Cupcakes
I found the recipe for Magnolia's Cupcakes late one night while perusing the interweb instead of doing my homework (similar to what I'm doing now). I decided to try the recipe out the next day and bring some to school. In typical Chery fashion, I started baking the cupcakes at around midnight and finished at 2 AM, once again neglecting my studies. But the cupcakes were a hit the next day at school and I baked and decorated a batch a couple of weeks later for my friend's 18th birthday. A week after that I baked and decorated 36 cupcakes for my birthday dinner and I was all cupcaked-out, but my friends were appreciative and knew how much work I had put into those tiny treats. As a result, half of my birthday presents were cooking related: cupcake stand, decorating kit, crème brulee set complete with blow torch and butane (the pyro in me rejoiced), and even a cupcake key cap. I became known as the "crazy cupcake lady," a nickname I'm not too happy with. But these cupcakes were my pride and joy and I'm happy that my friends thought they were delicious.
3. The A______ Baking Club (What the A stands for must remain a mystery!)
The birth of the ABC occurred at the beginning of the school year, when Chris, David, Crystal and I collectively decided to make tiramisu one night. It was a hit, although we did miscalculate the amount of ladyfingers needed and ended up with one empty corner. Throughout the year we met only four times, to make the tiramisu, cinnamon rolls, sugar cookies, and an appropriately named Turgloo (turtle shaped gingerbread igloo...you have to see it to believe it). We had so much fun cooking with each other; such an innocent domestic activity has never been so appealing. Although we did argue about cooking methods we all were able to celebrate the process as well as the product and those times spent in David's fabulously equipped kitchen are unforgettable.
Good Music
The soundtrack of my senior year consisted of a diverse bunch of songs, all with great beats and sometimes questionable lyrics (ie Lollipop by Lil Wayne?!). We listened to music and sang along while driving around, played music, danced to it, and even made it. Certain songs and artists will forever stay in my mind as a reminder of all the good memories of senior year.
1. The Music, Magic, Make-Peace Tour
Jason Mraz came to the Fillmore in San Francisco on April 5th. The concert was amazing. Four of my closest friends and I attended and stood in the crowded venue, only around 15 feet away from Jason Mraz. He immortalized himself as an artist and really showcased his talent, which was an inspiration. I stood in awe in the crowd, not taking my eyes off him and barely remembering to breathe. It's not just that he is an amazing guitar player and a person so filled with life, but his way with words and his lyrics really got to me. I always admire people who have a firm grasp of language and can easily express themselves in ways you wouldn't expect, and Jason Mraz is the epitome of this. For weeks after the concert, Jason Mraz was all we would listen to and all we would sing.
2. The Music Thread
If you open my gmail account, you'll find a thread labeled "the new music email." This is maybe the fourth "new" email filled with music that my friends and I find and share (illegally, of course, please don't tell on us). Each message sent has an attachment, whether it be an old song remixed and redone by Kanye West or an unreleased and unknown song that only the most hardcore internet scourers know how to access. All these songs are downloaded and uploaded onto iPods and then blasted in car stereo systems. Amazingly, they are heard on the radio weeks afterward, and we can all look at each other with smug expressions and know that we heard them first. Music really is the language that everyone understands, and it has becoming a (if not THE) defining factor of the relationship between me and some of my closest friends.
3. Vitamin C
At Senior Gala, Dumplings and Samosas performed their rendition of the infamously cheesy yet heart-tugging song titled "Graduation". Let me first give you a backup: the four guys that make up DNS are four of my closest friends, maybe the funniest guys on the planet, and people I spent a LOT of time with the past year. I didn't realize just how much I valued their presences in my life until that evening when I was sitting, watching them play and listening to them sing those sad words. I sat with my friends and we were all singing along until suddenly something weird started to happen. I couldn't sing...my throat was all choked up. And what was this? My vision was getting blurry! Cheesy as it is, I was tearing up and soon I was full-on weeping. The chorus especially got me, and the way they interpreted the lyrics and performed in a manner that is so typical of them. I've gotten to know them so well and I realized then how much I'm going to miss sitting in on their jam sessions and listening to them practice (which is rare) or just goof around (which is more often than sometimes appropriate).
Good Conversations
Like I mentioned before, I have a great appreciation of words and the emotions they convey. Good conversations can make my day and I'll feel this relief and happiness after really letting loose and talking talking talking about anything and everything. I talk with the people I really trust, because it can be hard for me to open up about what I'm really going through. I'm so glad to have found people who I can talk to about anything, and there are a few really memorable conversations that I'll never forget.
1. Jogging our Minds
Kevin, Crystal and I made our way into the gym at my apartment complex one night after I was done with work. Sitting among the various exercise machines, we talked about trust and friends and a lot of different opinions came out. We argued, discussed, tried to convince each other that our ideologies were most reasonable. Tears were shed, but that conversation was really heart stirring for me. That conversation will forever stay with me and I still refer back to what was said occasionally. That night is sacred to me, and even when I go jogging on the treadmill in that gym I can still see us all sitting there talking. Thinking so highly of our opinions and believing that we know it all, ready to take on the world and stand beside our beliefs. I don't think I'll ever have another conversation like that.
2. The Hill Behind Ben's House
Following behind Tomasz and his flashlight, Kathy, Ben and I made our way up a rather unknown hill at around 2 in the morning. It was a little bit creepy, there were no other people around and the trail was more of a deer trail than a human one. Nevertheless we followed it as bravely as we could and we soon reached an area we deemed appropriate for our sleeping ground. Laying down the tarp, I looked up and caught the beautiful view of the valley shining up at us, and I felt like we were there on top of the world together. We were all tired but we talked anyway because that's what we do. There's an amazing amount of trust within this group of four, it really amazes me. I woke up next to them (alive and unharmed by coyotes thankfully) and I lay there looking up at the rather dismal sky with the sunniest of thoughts running through my mind. I'm so glad I found this group of people to talk to, and I really can't find the words to describe how these guys make me feel, especially at this late hour. It's 2:30 AM. And that late night on the random hill proved just how inarticulate we all are in the wee hours of the morn.
3. Memorial Park's Memorial
Crystal and I don't drive. Which is a little bit embarrassing and a big bit crippling, as we must always be arranging rides for ourselves. Sometimes we walk home together, and when we walk home and don't want to go home we go to Memorial Park and talk. We sit on the low wall by the memorial and we talk like the two girls we are, full of hopes and fears and uncertainties about the future. These talks made me feel less alone and less uncertain, and even excited for the future because of the tentative plans we made (apartment in NYC, own a bakery, basically live the life of the characters on FRIENDS).
Conversations as a whole...there's not really a lot to say about them but they are quite possibly my favorite thing in the world. I love the click and especially the surprise you get when you realize you're not alone in your feelings or thoughts. I love reaching out and crossing the barriers and just letting the conversations flow, no holds barred, and I think the best conversations never really leave you the same.
---
Ironically enough, this write made me sad. How amazing that all of these moments are just figments of the past, lost to time and maybe even forgotten in another couple of years. What I can rejoice in are the many lessons I learned from these experiences and the people I got to know, the good times that will be with me whether I remember them or not.
This is much longer than I had originally planned.
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