Sometimes just talking to people I really trust helps me get my feet back on the ground. Just remembering what great friends I have helps me reorient myself when I feel lost or lonely.
---
SPRING QUARTER GOALS:
1. Floss more
2. Go to the gym at least 3-4 times a week
3. Listen to happier music
4. Change my eating habits and eat out less
5. Be more organized and clean
6. Party less, chill more
7. Listen more, talk less
8. Less internet, more me time
9. Stop putting things off
10. Stop always thinking two steps ahead and enjoy the present
11. Read more
I'm hoping for a chill quarter, nice and slow with just enough time to appreciate the good weather and good company. I hope this quarter will be a good one because I have a direction now and I have steps to take to accomplish my goals.
I'm also excited for my schedule. Though it's definitely up for some changes, I'm really excited to see what these courses will offer me. Note the lack of French and Journalism. (:
Anthro 139: improvisation, language, & culture
Anthro 30b: ethnography & anthropological methods
English 28C: realism & romance
And I'm trying to get into a stats class or a computer class so I can officially switch into Social Science and peace out from Humanities forevermore!
Additionally...
-Uni Studies 2 seminar (aka training for being a discussion leader for Fall '10)
-Campus Rep training (so I can be a full-on CR by Fall '10!!!)
WOO! K I'm stressing about all the crap I have to do before I leave for the forest so...peace out
3.21.2010
3.12.2010
in-between
Today was marked by the moments in between, sun in my eyes and the grass so green. Sandwiched between the last lost hour of class and a little crushed dream, I watched the cloudless sky and a dark bug zip by and I wondered about life, about love, the hows and whys. When do we just know, how do we know, what do we know? And what do we deserve? And how can we see, from the outside looking in, what is a facade and what's genuine? There's nothing like experience and we can only have our own, so here's to you and yours. I just know, some are meant to love and some are not, it's not a basic human right. It's another acceptance process and we can be sad or happy about it but it all boils down to the only changing factor, which is you. The only thing to change is you. Change your mind, your expectations, and change the world around you. Fast forward past rejection and some errands and I'm in my favorite sandwich shop, gazing at the people passing by and wondering, again, why. I'm alone here, me, but there's no where and no one else I'd rather be. So I'll live slowly and recognize that things just happen, or they don't. But that bug in the sun and this sandwich on my my tongue made my day what it happened to be -- perfect for me, just what I need.
---
Oh, today. So I faced rejection today, but to be honest I'm not too disappointed. Congratulations SPOP 2010!
To be honest I didn't really expect to get it; I guess in my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't because I felt that I had taken my share from what I applied for. I got Alternative Spring Break, discussion leader, and Campus Rep. And I'm thrilled about all three, and so excited to be a part of all three. I guess I wanted SPOP to be the cherry on top of my sundae but I can't have it all. Plus I don't really like cherries, anyway.
Like T said, it gives other people an opportunity to grow. My growth is gonna happen in Campus Rep and everything else and I'm so thrilled to be granted those opportunities, so I shan't be greedy. There's always next year and if it wasn't meant to happen this year then it just wasn't.
Not to say I wasn't disappointed, because I was, of course. But at the same time I feel selfish being disappointed because I'm so lucky to have what I have.
Anyway, this was not meant to be a post about how I feel about not getting SPOP.
Today was overall a good day. I think I'm lost in this cloud of apathy just because I've been so sleep-deprived and stressed lately. But from this cloud I managed to pull out a few strands of good moments. I sat in the park for a while and contemplated life and love with M, wandered about campus finding good company, had a spring break meeting, then went grocery shopping (such a luxury) and ate a sandwich at Le Dip by myself. I really liked eating alone, it was just what I needed after a mess of a week.
And. I'm in the works to switch schools in the spring. Pretty sure I'm going to be majoring in Anthropology, HOLLER! I'm happy with this. I'm not enough of a go-getter to succeed at journalism, and though I love writing, I don't think I'm the right personality type to major in it. I could see myself hating it as time wore on with forced assignments and everything. I like the relationship I have with writing now, and I think it's something I can cultivate without the stress of majoring in it. Also I get to let go of French which is a GREAT relief.
I feel in-between in everything. Waiting for the winter to end and on the brink of the spring. Newly initiated, not fully active. Leaving Humanities and entering Social Sciences. Just caught in-between. The awkward lull of anticipation and wondering what it'll be like when I experience it. All I can do is wait. Wait and respect the process and appreciate that everything happens and everything is perfect just the way it is.
---
Oh, today. So I faced rejection today, but to be honest I'm not too disappointed. Congratulations SPOP 2010!
To be honest I didn't really expect to get it; I guess in my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't because I felt that I had taken my share from what I applied for. I got Alternative Spring Break, discussion leader, and Campus Rep. And I'm thrilled about all three, and so excited to be a part of all three. I guess I wanted SPOP to be the cherry on top of my sundae but I can't have it all. Plus I don't really like cherries, anyway.
Like T said, it gives other people an opportunity to grow. My growth is gonna happen in Campus Rep and everything else and I'm so thrilled to be granted those opportunities, so I shan't be greedy. There's always next year and if it wasn't meant to happen this year then it just wasn't.
Not to say I wasn't disappointed, because I was, of course. But at the same time I feel selfish being disappointed because I'm so lucky to have what I have.
Anyway, this was not meant to be a post about how I feel about not getting SPOP.
Today was overall a good day. I think I'm lost in this cloud of apathy just because I've been so sleep-deprived and stressed lately. But from this cloud I managed to pull out a few strands of good moments. I sat in the park for a while and contemplated life and love with M, wandered about campus finding good company, had a spring break meeting, then went grocery shopping (such a luxury) and ate a sandwich at Le Dip by myself. I really liked eating alone, it was just what I needed after a mess of a week.
And. I'm in the works to switch schools in the spring. Pretty sure I'm going to be majoring in Anthropology, HOLLER! I'm happy with this. I'm not enough of a go-getter to succeed at journalism, and though I love writing, I don't think I'm the right personality type to major in it. I could see myself hating it as time wore on with forced assignments and everything. I like the relationship I have with writing now, and I think it's something I can cultivate without the stress of majoring in it. Also I get to let go of French which is a GREAT relief.
I feel in-between in everything. Waiting for the winter to end and on the brink of the spring. Newly initiated, not fully active. Leaving Humanities and entering Social Sciences. Just caught in-between. The awkward lull of anticipation and wondering what it'll be like when I experience it. All I can do is wait. Wait and respect the process and appreciate that everything happens and everything is perfect just the way it is.
3.09.2010
thinks i think
I got campus rep today. (: Still a little part of me wonders whether it was completely based on merit or whether it was a matter of knowing the right people. Maybe a combination of both? Hopefully more heavily weighed on merit? Either way, I'm really excited to prove myself and dive headfirst into this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted.
I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!
---
I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.
---
I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.
I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.
But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.
I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.
But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.
But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.
It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.
---
R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?
---
So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.
I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!
---
I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.
---
I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.
I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.
But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.
I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.
But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.
But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.
It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.
---
R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?
---
So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.
3.07.2010
recap
SO much has happened in the past like...two days. Bullet points necessary.
FRIDAY
-got initiated into Gamma Phi Beta. (: Got letters and everything! HOLLER
-got into a verbal fight with a close-minded, disrespectful, belligerent scumbag, would have gotten physical if people were not in the way. HOLD ME BACK. Investing in ninja stars soon, prease. Seriously so pissed about this.
-instead of hurting said scumbag, I screwed myself over by throwing my phone on the ground and snapping it in two.
-who shows up at 4 am? My favorite CS.
SATURDAY
-cleaned the blood off my roommate's sink
-attempted to get myself another phone, semi-failed. My friend just gave me one and now all I need to do is get to Verizon and...do business.
-hung out with C all day, and barraged her with ANGER (the likes of which have been unseen since senior year). yes. ANGER!!!!!!
-thought that someone stole my favorite hot shoes and got really pissed
-went to Zeta formals! And afterparty. Met someone named Chuck and insisted upon calling him Chuck Norris. Ate shit as I ran to the bathroom in high heels. Ate shit reallllllllll bad.
-got home at 4am and KO'ed
SUNDAY
-somehow woke up at 8:00 with my ghetto alarm clock. Parents day at the GPhi house.
-found out my friend has my shoes
-got a phone from my friend
-now must study until forever
-all I really want to do is sleep
-or punch scumbag in the face (yes still)
sigh. the business. I'm tired.
3.01.2010
march alreadyyy?
It scares me when I think about how harshly people can judge each other. Sometimes I meet someone and imagine all the criticism they could throw my way, and I don't know why I think like this. I guess lately I've just found out that not everyone is as "nice" as I idealize them to be in my head, so when I meet some strangers I get a little intimidated.
Honestly, there's so much emphasis on being good-looking here that I hardly even know what it looks like anymore. Everyone is so under the microscope at all times that it's hard to find "beauty" in the unique and natural. Everything can get so cookie-cutter.
I went to my formal last Friday and looking at pictures, I get a little weirded out. I think I look too done up. Big curly hair and fake eyelashes and all this business...I think I like my hair straight and less makeup. I look like a doll. It makes me a little uncomfortable. Some people look like this every day, I don't know how they do it! I look at those pictures and I'm a little confused at who that girl is.
Also, I need to stop being such a people pleaser. I thought about this for a while and I realized that I tend to just go with the flow and do whatever everyone else wants to do. I mean, in certain situations. When it comes to being friends with people I'm pretty easy, I would say, and not very quick to judge. It's kind of a pet peeve of mine when friends interrupt my slow get-to-know process by presenting their ideas of a person to me.
I don't know. When it comes to judgments, I really wish American society had more of a Kahluli perspective on things. Learned about this in Anthro a couple weeks back. Basically the Kahluli mindset is that you can't make assumptions about people, because you just don't know their story. How did they end up with this ideology? And how did "we" end up with ours?
I just registered for classes this morning and it was pretty breezy! I'm taking French (bane of my existence), a lit journ class, an anthro class (with my fave professor) and a discussion that will teach me to be the best discussion leader for the freshmen next Fall. EXCITING. (: It looks like it will be a fun quarter and I left myself enough time to really excel in school, make some moneys, and grow in different directions. Hopefully I'll find myself more involved and invested in the things I've joined, as well.
That's about it...Olympics are over. ): Watching figure skating was simultaneously a slap in the face and the most uplifting experience in a while. I miss you. And I wish Mirai got third. Oh well, 2014 awaits!
Honestly, there's so much emphasis on being good-looking here that I hardly even know what it looks like anymore. Everyone is so under the microscope at all times that it's hard to find "beauty" in the unique and natural. Everything can get so cookie-cutter.
I went to my formal last Friday and looking at pictures, I get a little weirded out. I think I look too done up. Big curly hair and fake eyelashes and all this business...I think I like my hair straight and less makeup. I look like a doll. It makes me a little uncomfortable. Some people look like this every day, I don't know how they do it! I look at those pictures and I'm a little confused at who that girl is.
Also, I need to stop being such a people pleaser. I thought about this for a while and I realized that I tend to just go with the flow and do whatever everyone else wants to do. I mean, in certain situations. When it comes to being friends with people I'm pretty easy, I would say, and not very quick to judge. It's kind of a pet peeve of mine when friends interrupt my slow get-to-know process by presenting their ideas of a person to me.
I don't know. When it comes to judgments, I really wish American society had more of a Kahluli perspective on things. Learned about this in Anthro a couple weeks back. Basically the Kahluli mindset is that you can't make assumptions about people, because you just don't know their story. How did they end up with this ideology? And how did "we" end up with ours?
I just registered for classes this morning and it was pretty breezy! I'm taking French (bane of my existence), a lit journ class, an anthro class (with my fave professor) and a discussion that will teach me to be the best discussion leader for the freshmen next Fall. EXCITING. (: It looks like it will be a fun quarter and I left myself enough time to really excel in school, make some moneys, and grow in different directions. Hopefully I'll find myself more involved and invested in the things I've joined, as well.
That's about it...Olympics are over. ): Watching figure skating was simultaneously a slap in the face and the most uplifting experience in a while. I miss you. And I wish Mirai got third. Oh well, 2014 awaits!
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