my hands smell like oranges

And oranges smell like Vitamin C.
Vitamin C, in turn, smells like "uh oh, Chery's getting sick."

Sitting in the VDC undergraduate lounge yet again, sitting on my foot, thinking about the foods I eat and how I could write a twenty-five minute long paper about this, in French, in 13 hours.

Me: I just want to blog.
J: You would.

So I finished my orange and blogged. I want to blog and I have been wanting to. therefore I need to, in a way. Before these words get backed up and I have to call a plumber, or before they shoot out of my fingertips like bullets from a loaded gun.

I recently found out that I'm not the only person in this wide universe who uses the "drafts" function in their cellular to keep track of running thoughts and creative strings of words. In his case he wrote a couple of stanzas of spoken word poetry, in my case I listed things I want(ed) to blog about. He read me his poem and I wondered if I could do this, like he said, just a thought. But I don't have time right now, what I have time for is to attend to the list on draft #35 of my cellular phone.

Right now though, my thoughts circle around Alternative Spring Break. It's a program that sends you to a particular destination, and so, instead of going home for spring break, you are sent there under a specific topic headline and you are given the task of learning more about that topic and giving back to your community in some way. The destination I seek is the San Bernardino National Forest, my topic headline being 'Giving Back to the National Forests.'

Hello, National Forests. I would like to be more near you.

My interview was this morning; I showed up early though my sinuses were clogged and I can only imagine that I sounded like some over-exaggerated germ-infested cartoon character. But I did my best. I talked with them, told them about myself (which I am remarkably terrible at doing), discussed what I consider my greatest achievement, all the usual interview questions. I'm not great at interviews. I know this.

After the formal interview was over, we talked about the different programs. The intern organizing the National Forests project was present and we discussed camping and being outdoors. It brought me back to all those hiking trips back in the day, with Girl Scouts or with my family or friends. And Marin Headlands in elementary school, Yosemite in 8th grade, even the camping trip I went on just last summer. The 2nd place Nature Award I got at Camporee...the late nights rubbing your toes together inside three pairs of socks because they still feel like ice. Building fires from scratch, trekking through switchback after switchback til we reach that glorious view, finding banana slugs to kiss. Grilling chicken and staring at our dust-decorated sneakers, everyone focusing in on one another and forgetting that such a thing called "wifi" and "Verizon Wireless" even exist. It's a whole nother planet.

Then it hit me just how much I want this experience. The intern said that one of her fears was how well everyone would get along, thirteen complete strangers in the wilderness, in unfamiliar conditions? It could be a recipe for disaster.

My mind flew to Grey's Anatomy and Meredith saying, "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."

And I thought, when she expressed those fears, how I could quell them. I feel like I could do this. This isn't another answer to the "why are you a great candidate" question, but then again, maybe it is.

I want this. Strangers sound so appealing. One week of ultimate bonding sounds so appealing. One week of being outdoors, of being far away, of giving back, sounds like the ultimate retreat for me, the best vacation possible.

I want this, badly. And the second that I realized just how much I wanted it, another emotion squeezed a spot open next to that desire. And that emotion was fear. Tangible fear that stepped on the toes of my plump desire and said "scoot over, exist less, so if you don't get this, your heart won't break."

I find out next Friday. Thankfully life is busy enough that I won't spend every waking minute thinking about how great of an opportunity this could be.

it's fight club

I pretty much had the best emo playlist of songs running alllll day today, LAME! It sucks though cause I love singing along, cause I know all the words, and I can pretend like I understand what they're saying. Time together isn't ever quite enoughhhh blah blah blah. It's bogus though, I'm tellin ya.

Anyway. You know how sometimes you keep punching a wall, and then steadily your body builds defenses and calluses itself against the certain pain you'd feel? Until some time you just stop noticing that pain should be present and then you realize, job well done, defenses up, no more bleeding. Then you wonder where it is and stop yourself and say hey -- it's so much more fun NOT feeling like shit!

Like when I ice skated breaking in new skates was always a bitch and a half. Bleeding toes and blistered ankles, SO cute, but sooner or later your skin builds up a higher tolerance in all those spots that rub you sore. I know the exact spots where the backs of my ankles are callused in a spot the size of a pencil eraser, because last summer when I put my skates back on, those old calluses had disappeared and sure enough when I took off my skates they were bleeding on my tights. Getting yourself into your old rhythm and doing something that was once so easy is really tough, you don't really notice all the little sore spots until all of a sudden you do.

Ok I'm gonna stop talking about feet. What I'm saying is, sometimes, you train yourself emotionally like this, too. Sometimes you know what to expect and save yourself future insecurity; then when it all goes according to plan you can congratulate yourself and just keep on moving. There's not enough time to decipher how you feel, moving is living and it's a one-way street. Basically you just hold your breath and let everything fly out the window, dive in and smile. There is no time for 'what if'!! We are flying high speed, pedal to the metal, towards our own death and REALLY there is not enough time for all the what ifs in the world!

This morning I woke up feeling like P.Diddy. No, I kid. HAHA. But really I didn't really feel anything. I'm so apathetic. At first I was worried and was like, hey, maybe I should force myself into overdrive and over think and like feel like a sad little girl and nitpick and mope about all my flaws and shortcomings etcetera...which I am TOTALLY capable of, but NO! TODAY was day of Dim Sum and girl bonding and SHOPPING and writing my essay, bleh. But today was so good. (:

I don't have the capacity for emotion right now, I don't think. Robot life? I don't know, one of these days, sooner or later, somethings gonna whip me into shape and remind me I'm a normal person and normal people deal with feelings... till then I guess it's the same old, see, the constellations in the sky will always leave me high and dry.

OH but today I was almost close to tears (I think) when I talked to my parents on the phone. My internet situation is soo not happening right now, and they told me they'd get me a wifi router and send it, but it's been three weeks and still no wifi. So I talked to them and they said "oh we thought since you didn't call you didn't need it anymore." UH, HELLOOO? They had said since week ONE that they'd look for one and send one ASAP. And they ALWAYS lag like this. Like not buying me a bed either. GRRR. But yeah that was pretty much the emotional climax of my day, what was yours?

oops

So I didn't sleep like I should've, or do homework, or even clean my room....

but I have the rest of the weekend for that! RIGHT?

SIGH someone straight-jacket me. No more bad business. MUST WRITE MY ESSAY.

Ice skating at 6pm tonight and going to dim sum in a couple minutes, which I am WAY too excited for. (:

emotional calluses, anyone? SUPER attractive.

anyway...

last night was party hopping night with one of my favorite party-ers. Quite the fun!

AND PS. I absolutely LOVE my roommate. And DIM SUM!

locked inside that house

So for such a short week of school, it dragged on for what felt like an eternity! Maybe it was the crazy weather, I'm pretty sure I've done enough bitching about wet socks to last...another eternity.

Irvine got exciting for a while, what with all these strong winds and downpours and thunder and lightning shows! Then yesterday some guy was strolling around the Student Center buck naked and got arrested apparently. WILD TIMES.

Anyway, I kind of hope the rain continues this weekend, just so I can feel justified when I sit on the couch for hours on end watching movies and Sex & the City and ICE SKATING!!! Plus it'll be nice to just sit indoors and KNOW you won't have to go out and brave the wilderness to go to class. So my 2010 goal was to not ditch class and this week I ditched 2 because I was not devoted enough to get drenched for my classes. I know, I knowww... education>weather. Also I fell asleep in my anthro class with my cute/funny professor and I am SO, SO sad, so I have resolved to get more sleep, and thus fall asleep in his class never ever again.

Another nice thing, I think, will be to be relatively alone this weekend. I tumblr-ed about this earlier this week I think but I do really enjoy my ME TIME! And I think I over-socialized myself without getting some stuff done that I really need to do, ie clean my room, because I seriously have about four square feet of open floor space at the moment. Grand, I know. So yeah, time to dig away into my little hidey-hole.

PLUS, I bought this Thai sauce from Trader Joe's that I am dying to try out. OOH. I should probably go defrost some chicken breasts right nowww. MMMM 6:

I feel like an elitist sometimes...or just supremely detached. Someone said TFC? I hope to GOD I don't come off as that but, as someone else said, usually I'm just caught up in my own world with relatively little regard for the rest of the goings-on of the world. Isn't everyone like that though? I don't know how to further explain this. This blog was unsubstantial BUT I shall leave with this one realization: it's always what you make of it, and nobody will ever understand your full truth. But what gives? Don't worry your pretty little head.

GOAL: get over 24 hours of sleep this weekend. Hahahah...pretty do-able, I'd say. Also get everything else done. Yeah. Ta-ta!

death by post-script

"Can you see me after class?"

Six simple words, an easy request. But sitting in my Lit Journ class, reading those words on the bottom of the last assignment I handed in...those words were six jabs at my morale and any ego I possess in that class.

I legitimately thought I was going to die. My blood vessels were constricting and I felt deprived of oxygen. My head started hurting and I almost wanted to hurl on the girl in front of me.

My mind started working furiously. What could be wrong with it? Maybe I should just tell her this isn't my scene. I'll get her to sympathize with me and say that I'm still trying to get my floaties on before I swim in the big girl pool. Or I'll just switch majors completely. I mean, I love Anthropology. My counselor takes drop-in sessions right? I'll just switch majors. My Anthro prof spent time abroad in Sweden and Micronesia and that is WAY, WAY cooler than being some damn journalist. I'm not cut out for this and I know it! Don't kid yourself girl!

For one and a half hours I dramatically imagined the end of my little stint in litjourn and the process of switching over to anthro, which is, what seems to me, a much more do-able major.

But at the end of the class I sucked it up and talked to her and it was NO BIGGIE at ALL. She just wanted me to specify some more dates, next time...

"Sorry for the ominous-sounding note!"

"Oh no, haha..not at all..."

It's not like I killed myself over the anticipation of it. It's not like I thought that my skin would be hanging from your wall as evidence of another LJ student who would not cut it.

HEAVE SIGH.

After getting my sense of self back together and figuratively slapping myself in the face I have decided that yes, I am still sticking with LJ, though I DO need to learn to grow up and stop being such a little bitch.

I'm not as critical and over-analytical as some people are, I'm not as quick to judgment and I'm not as opinionated. I'm more rose-colored glasses when it comes to certain things and I'm more accepting of human accounts of events and humans in general. Does this mean I won't succeed?

And does the fact that I randomly find stringing words together enjoyable mean that I'm cut out for literary journalism?

No to both, I guess...well that's what I hope, all we can do is sit around and wait I guess.

What DID boost my faith was my English teacher emailed and asked to use my essay draft as an example for the rest of the class, cause it was "excellent". YEAH, WHAT UP.

Anyway. I realize the reason why I overreacted so crazily was because it's important to me. Somehow. Somehow it matters to me whether or not I can be good at this. Weird, huh?

why worry

I thought I'd spend the weekend hiding away and catching up on lost time -- I borrowed a book I've been meaning to read, left myself a mess in my room that I need to attend to, and even planned out a schedule of television that I can not miss (ice skating, YES!) and homework assignments that need to be taken care of.

However nothing really goes according to plan, and the book is untouched, my room is still just as (or even more) messy as it was before I embarked on this three-day-weekend vacation, and...well, I succeeded in watching ice skating. Though I can't really say the same about my homework. But I AM super thrilled about upcoming skating events and I wishwishwishhh I could go skating right about now.

I will say that this weekend was quite well spent though. In good company, certainly, and now I sit on the departing end of it, as though I'm waiting for a flight back to reality and school and the work I must catch up. The rain causes a delay though and my flight isn't taking off anytime soon...I may regret this in the coming week but something about the rain just makes me want to sit and listen and think.

With good reason, because somehow I managed to ignore my previous plans to stay home and veg out. Instead I found myself in different social settings on three different nights, wondering why I always find a way to leave home when I'm already quite satisfied in my pajama-state. It's this missing out type thing -- what if it really is epic and I missed it because I stayed in? What if I'm missing out on my youth, the only time when I can do stupid things like this? What if there's some fantastic person out there and our paths won't align because I chose to watch The Secret Life of Bees instead?

I have to say, nothing really spectacular happened and although I had fun, I think I would've been just as happy staying home. But that's me I guess... afraid to miss out. On what, I don't really know...but something I learned is that I am just very accepting of people in general and random life roads. I'm not really a fighter when it comes to certain things...many things...maybe I'm taking the easy way out or maybe I'm just built to drift along on whatever whim occurs to me first. Sometimes I'm too accepting and too adjusted to situations that normal people would fight for... and I just let things slide because it's like hey, that's whats happening now.

I don't know. All I know is that every single thing we do is determining the next single thing that we do and so on and so on in this endless chain, until suddenly one thing that we do causes the end of all things that we do. Sometimes I wish that all our lives were structured differently and that society were structured differently so that we could drift about and make ourselves happy without having to live with fear of loneliness or poverty or hunger. Life would be so much better if we all knew what we wanted and if we all had the means to just do that without being held back by these responsibilities that were somehow thrust upon us by this meaningless society that tells us we need to grow up and we need to find love and we need to be successful, etc etc. If I could do ANYTHING in the world I would travel and find companions, though they would change with the scenery, and see everything there is to see and just talk to people and live and not even have a home base. That's kind of a happy thought and if everyone did that, how much happier would we be?

My train of thought is running wild like the wind. I really need to get back to reality. Two more hours and I'll be initiated into a sorority, embarking upon this next adventure. I keep telling myself -- live in the now, stop overthinking, why worry? Life is just what you want it to be.

decisions, decisions

So I think Australia is not going to work out after all.

After all this stress and thought that I put into it, maybe I'm a little thankful to be releasing it? I mean now is not a good time for me to be thinking about much other than the present, because the present is pretty much a giant, tentacled sea monster wrapping itself around me and pulling me into the depths of the ocean. It's just so much more work and research and meetings and questions to answer that I don't want to deal with anymore. Is it really worth it?

Maybe I won't know and maybe I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime (I probably am) but at the moment I'm so, so willing to let it go and focus on the classes that I have right now that I am getting behind on. Seriously thinking about study abroad is so taxing...and I was a little surprised to find that I was relieved to find myself a concrete reason to not do it.

The thing is, if I major in Lit Journ, there are a number of courses that I have to take in a specific order, because they are prerequisites for other required classes. And some of these are only offered once per year so it's already a pretty tightly planned schedule. And since I've only started taking LJ classes this quarter, I would consider myself a little bit late. Going abroad for one quarter would probably push my graduation date further and this isn't something I'm willing to do. Though I'm not 100 percent sure that I'd have to graduate later, I'd rather have a less hectic college experience and be on campus and follow the schedule without having to worry about courses transferring over and stuff like that.

And yes, this is pretty much a post convincing myself that study abroad is not a good option for me. I mean, I've had these wishy-washy thoughts before, but I guess they were always pansy enough for me to quash them and continue researching, telling myself I'm doing myself a huge favor.

It's too much money, too much hassle, too much to think about, etc...Right now I will say that having study abroad off my plate frees up my to-do list quite a bit and gives me time to consider other opportunities that were all banking on study abroad. Maybe I'll regret this after I graduate but HEY, five-year-later-self if you are reading this, YOU ARE STRESSED RIGHT NOW, and seriously don't have the time to do this and you are panicking! Do your best on campus at UCI! Work a lot, save BANK, graduate early, and then go to Australia to frolic however you please!!! And then go to Italy and France too, and Egypt! And all those places you researched when you thought you were going to do study abroad! SERIOUSLY!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!

I guess I do a good job of convincing myself. And though it is with a heavy heart that I put away my Australia pamphlets, I guess I know it's for the best. I'm not strong enough to fight through all these obstacles right now, I hardly have the state of mind to conjugate simple French verbs as it is.

Heave sigh. Onward, ho. This is just the week of getting over things and over things and over things. Somehow, still, I have SO much to think about and do. EFF. And I do realize it was an opportunity to escape -- but what did I expect? That school in Australia would be way more chill than school here? Think again. I need to stop trying to run from the fact that I need to put in work to succeed, no matter how much I dislike it or the environment or whatever. I just need to learn how to suck it up. GOD. I'm such a wimp.

I guess that's the thing with decisions -- I thought it was all about making positive decisions, like YES I'm going to do this, but now I also understand that you have to make decisions to opt out, to know when to say NAY. Oh, bugger. Crikey. But I will end on a cliche -- one door closes and others open! That's how I feel.

pajama time

So the week can't have been THAT bad if I have the freedom to stay in my pajamas until 8:45 pm on Sunday. It can't be THAT busy if I watched the ending of the Wedding Planner and Harry Potter (GOF) whilst eating quesadillas and deviled eggs.

Can I just say a couple things:

-somehow, I really, REALLY suck at hard-boiling eggs. Whatever can go wrong when boiling an egg WILL go wrong if you ask me to boil an egg. It's really not that hard, but for some reason I am completely incompetent.

-BUT, I am very good at making quesadillas, even when highly intoxicated. I impress myself. And also burn my tongue.

-Michael Gambon as Dumbledore pisses me off so much. I wanted to throw a (raw) egg at the TV.

-I locked my door last night, another instance of PARANOIA? It's always so, so strange when I wake up after a night of debauchery and find that I've locked my door. Good instincts, self, but it makes me wonder.

-Watched ice skating on TV and OMG, WANTTTT. ):

I have been on the same page of Euripedes for the past 4 hours, thanks to the interference of the cheesy lines of JLo & Matt McConaughey (how the eff do you spell that) and the painful acting of our very own Harry Potter. AUGHhHhhh my SCARRrrr. BOO YOU, WIZARD BOY. ACT BETTER.

Also I've finally gotten around to learning the difference between "ie" and "eg", I realize I have been mis-using both on several occasions and will do everything in my power to stop from this moment on. For the record, "ie" stands for "id est" in Latin and means "that is" so it should be used for specifying, whereas "eg" is for providing an example, "exempli gratia" or "for the sake of providing an example."

Anyway. Lately, I have been wondering about people. I mean, what makes some people so much more interesting than others? You know what I'm saying? There are those token people who know SO much about some things and are articulate and passionate about their interests, and are able to spread the wealth in this way. You can TELL that they're smart and gonna get somewhere. Then there are some people who are less so, not saying they're not as interesting or intellectual or whatever but it just takes a little more digging to find the 3D in them. Does this have to do with our childhoods or something? Why are some people so much more...accessible at a surface level than others? Curious.

A point I stumbled upon during a late night (lost) drive: security with self comes from knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Agree? Disagree?

As far as I know...well. I'm certain that I know my weaknesses and strengths for the most part, but discoveries continue to be made. Hard-boiling eggs, for instance: weakness. There you go. I guess for a long time in my life I expected myself to be good at everything and considered it a personal failure when/if I did not perform as well as I had imagined. Slowly I am learning to accept my ridiculous flaws and understanding that that makes me who I am. Knowing your weak points is always good, sometimes because it gives you something to work on...but also sometimes because you know that's just how you are and ain't nothin gonna change it.

Like I mentioned earlier I watched ice skating today on TV. There was a little mini interview with Elvis Stojko and he was talking about how he took a break for a couple years and went biking and traveling and came out with a CD (!?!?) and then stepped back on the ice and felt...refreshed. Like it was day one and he was in love with being on the ice again, and everything was new and fantastic. ELVIS STOJKO YOU PARALLEL MY LIFE.

Sad because I left my skates in NorCal.

goodbye optimism

OH MY GOD, I just had the most stressful two hours of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me but I really, really can NOT approach strangers. It puts me so outside of my comfort zone and makes me perspire unattractively and get all tense and nervous and seriously today, I felt like I was gonna hurl not once but TWICE! Once in French for unknown reasons and once after overthinking and feeling weird and judged and creepy and blEHHEhhh.

So my Lit Jrn teacher assigned us a "stranger interview" in which we have to find a random stranger and ask them about their life, get a couple of key points and moments that stand out to them.

I sat in Panera with my friend for 1.5 hours eying potential interviewees and chewing on my straw. No success there, I just got even more tangled up in this frustration and lack of self-confidence type deal that is attacking me like the FLU right now. Seriously, I need a prescription for this disease because I (think I am) better than this. Usually. Sometimes. Under the right circumstances.

Right now is just SO NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm okay talking to random people about things like shampoo and cookies, cause that's like common ground. But right off the bat asking an utter stranger for an interview? Not my cup of tea. And add in that I have to DIG and ask them about personal details of their life and ask for contact info and stuff like that for absolutely NO REASON AT ALL...it is just overwhelming and pointless and I am really just not good at this. I don't even see the point! Really.

Then we went to Target and I tried to interview this one guy and he totally shot me down. I take all rejections somewhat personally, that is just how I am, so yes, right now my tiny ego could probably balance on the head of a pin.

Top it all off with the fact that some douche biker hit my friend's car while we were in it and then proceeded to flip us off twice. TWICE. WHYYY. WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU? And yes, again, I am taking this a little personally, because it was just so incredibly rude! WHO DOES THAT!?

Okay. Logical side of me (which is still here, somehow, though quite diminished) tells me that this is all bogus and I am just being crazy. Snap out of it, get a tougher skin if you're ever going to succeed in the sharktank of life. Especially if you're gonna be a journalist.

DO I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS ANYWAY?! OH LAWD.

Um, good news good news......just so this blog isn't a veritable breeding ground for bad moods and grouchy thoughts...

-my check that UCI lost should be coming for me within the next two days

-I bought new eyeliner...if this bad mood continues I am going to be very veryyy poor...

THAT'S IT. How am I supposed to finish this assignment? Should I just binge-eat myself into a lull and then just choke on a pecan or something and then die fat and lonely and without having even completed ONE homework assignment successfully? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm making really good salad for dinner. REALLY, REALLY GOOD SALAD.

crazy, cont.

First off let me state that all technology hates me, for an unknown reason, because all I have ever done is shamelessly love and worship all things techy. Like my laptop for instance. I think the little crumb that was lodged under my 2 key has now migrated to underneath my d; thankfully it works if I press it really hard at just the right angle. THANKFULLY.

Also I just had a half-hour struggle with my laptop not starting when I plug my ethernet in, and the wifi failing in general, and then my laptop did this crazy restore type thing, and it SHOULD have fixed everything, but obviously not, because this KEEPS ON HAPPENING TO ME and I have NO IDEA WHY! Do I have bad tech-karma? I'll treat you better laptop, I promise, just be perfect for me right now, that's all I really ask.

This is a very inconvenient time for my laptop to start malfunctioning because as it stands, I am pretty majorly swamped. Yes it is 12:30 AM and I am blogging to find an outlet for all the stress that I am swimming in right now (yes, Nate, this might be a good time for a massage), when REALLY I should be being productive and reading my Aristotle (too bad it said it's gonna take ONE DAY TO LOAD....) OR even, if I'm a regular person with teachers and technology that are nice and functional, I should be out killing my liver -- people are college-style binge drinking, and I am just college-style pulling my hair out. EVEN THOUGH IT'S WEEK ONE. Usually week one translates into the last week of break.

Not this quarter. This quarter, we are hitting the ground running. No, not running. Sprinting. I am not good at any sort of athletic activity, actual physical activity or metaphorical or otherwise. So this might not be good.

Today was my first Lit Jrn class. It is safe to say that I will be learning a lot, whether I will be learning in tears or with steady drive, only the coming weeks will tell. My teacher is immediately someone I have massive respect for, she's written for a million different things and is very articulate, passionate, and REAL about the course as well as the whole writing industry. Kind of a scary genius. Though yes, it is a little disheartening to be told from day one that this industry is dying and you will probably not succeed, and that your work will be massively critiqued and you will end up failing at one point or another...and just other great, shiny little tidbits like that. Yay realism. No more "GOOD JOB!" stickers, not in this class.

Though I do respect this realistic attitude it was, I guess, kind of a shock. This is the first serious journalism class I've ever taken, but this is obviously not the case for my classmates. Sitting next to them I feel extremely average. They photograph, they started their high school paper, they intern for radical left-wing groups. They know all the cool underground indie bands, they worked in PR with all zee fashionistas, they are applying to law school. They are passionate, focused, articulate, and opinionated. And me? Uh...I should really start reading the news...

We had to do little introductions, the regular, yadayada, and everyone was talking about all their journalism experience and internships and where they want to be in the future and stuff like that.

My turn came and my heart started thumping furiously. WHY IS THAT? I am talking about me, a subject that I have steadily been observing for 18, almost 19, years. I am quite the authority on the subject of me, and yet when I talk about myself, I completely blank and forget my own damn name. I said something about how writing was mostly my hobby ever since I was little and I love it, this is my first lit journ class, I have a blog (NO BIGGIE, SRSLY), um....I had like a thousand xangas in middle school, so YEAH trying to see if this can be a career! My classmates chuckled at the xanga statement so yay, at least I'm not completely socially awkward. Or maybe they laughed out of pity. Who knows, you can never tell with these insane genius writer-gods.

After this 'writing is a hobby want to make it my career' little schpeel my teacher inserted a little fact about how writing should probably still be a hobby cause it's really hard to make a career out of it, etc. OKAY then, peace out, time to major in engineering or biology or something that will actually provide a roof over my head that is not made out of dismantled FedEx boxes and old Campbell soup cans.

Anyway, looking back it wasn't SO bad but maybe the passage of time softens the wounds inflicted by day one of lit journ. I do admire my teacher a lot, and hopefully I will get up the courage to go to office hours and be less intimidated by her/the course in general. She gave us some advice, telling us not to get discouraged (might be too late), and that "intellect without discipline is boring." I quite agree though I must say I think I am lacking in the discipline arena...yep, 12:45 AM, sitting in my rainbow undies listening to Katy Perry, DEF have not read Aristotle yet. Success? I think so.

Thankfully the other class I had today was totally uplifting. Meet my new professor and LOVE OF MY LIFE! He's HILARIOUS. AND SO SMART!! And he dresses really nicely. And SO FUNNY. Did I mention? So, so funny.

The class is Linguistics/Anthropology and I am so ready to dive into this subject matter and go to every single office hours session he holds so I can just listen to him talk and laugh at all his jokes....SIIIIIGH.

The first rule of this class is "be excellent to each other." Yes. He says things like this. He is from Boston and told us to be prepared to hear him talk about Boston (and "draring" and inserting random r's everywhere) at least four times per lecture. Sure enough I heard quite a bit about Boston just from today, but also SWEDEN where he studied furniture designers and the gestures they make! "I'm downplaying it right now cause it's my job...but it's pretty awesome." He also mentioned Avatar...and said things like "bad shits going down" and "um, uh, ah, we, well...expect this level of scholarship from me" and just other great, self-deprecating things like that. Am I gushing? I'm gushing. He also talked about this man-purse and how it's a symbol of great masculinity on this island in Micronesia where he did some research and it was just a giant lol-fest. I can't even explain. I am terribly, terribly excited. He is one of those extremely smart, energetic, and ENGAGING professors, which I absolutely love. I think I've only had one other prof like this.

I only wish I had that class more often, to de-stress me from the crazy that is my life. Two times a week is not enough Keith Murphy for me. Not enough time to distract me from the pile-up of reading and writing and interviewing, and other meetings, and oh you forgot this meeting, and hey wanna hang out? NO CAN'T, GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO AUSTRALIA. Dammit.

I am seriously very, very stressed right now, I do not know what to do. Step by step, perhaps? Blog less, homework more? MMMM somehow this sounds very unappealing...

Sigh. At the end of this day I just feel like I am extraordinarly average without one interesting bone in my body. Hello self, stop thinking you are interesting and smart and good at writing. You are not. You are a baby with SO much to learn about the world. Heave a giant sigh and shoulder this burden. Tomorrow I will wake up and know that this is not exactly the case but for right now...someone just hug me. And be my personal assistant this quarter, please. And maybe give me $15,000, that would be nice.

hello awkward life

Do you ever have one of those days when things are just OVERWHELMING? And these are like regular random things, like seeing people. Being near humans. Being near large quantities of regular, living human.

Today was all over the place. Yeah, coming back to school after a three-week lapse is bound to be a little strange, but I highly doubt that what I experienced today could be considered normal.

Let's start with French class. First off can I just say that three weeks, though it is apparently not enough time to forget about some things, seems to be JUST enough time to forget about 10 weeks worth of the French language. I stood there getting really nervous and awkwardly perspiring with my confused face on (this is not cute) as she blabbered on in French. I felt like I SHOULD have known what she was saying, and okay I really should have known what she was saying, but I just sat there listening and randomly caught her saying things like "today" and "you ask" and great things like that. Luckily for me my skills at piecing together sentences were...also not intact. Fail.

Lunch was a nice catch up session with J. After almost (unintentionally) stealing our pizzas, we caught up and talked about study abroad, winter break, tattoos, random people, etc. SO overall quite a success minus the three people who passed by and STARED at me, it was SO WEIRD. DID I HAVE PIZZA ON MY FACE? DID A BIRD POOP ON MY HAIR? I am not some exhibition creature guys, girls eat pizza too okay?! I thought this was like a known fact but APPARENTLY NOT.

Then I went to English. Here finally I was out-awkwarded by my TA who seemed to be a little overwhelmed at teaching this class of thirty students. Really, I would not be worried. I mean, one guy came in wearing crocs. I'm sorry, I would not be intimidated of this.

Okay I'm just kidding. Footwear really does not tell you anything about how smart someone is (he's probably a genius who doesn't have enough time to match regular-people shoes to his outfit because he's busy tying guns to trees with Al Gore in the fight against global warming -- SNL anyone??!!?).

Anyway. She was semi-nervous which made me feel a LITTLE better, cause my heart rate was up and my palms were sweaty (knees weak, arms are heavy) from running around a completely undiscovered area of campus trying to find my damn English class. REALLY, who schedules English classes in the Computer Science building? COME ON PEOPLE.

Afterwards I met up with Monique and my crazy found an outlet. Awkwardly ran into people and just pretended to NOT, kept laughing at things that were not funny in order to pretend that I actually have a life and/or sense of humor as I passed said awkward persons. Also I learned a new yoga pose (?) that is kind of like the fetal position, face down on the floor. It was fun, I like to think it helped me zen out after my crazy but then again, I'm not so sure. Monique says it helps cause your center of gravity is very close to the ground or your core or SOMETHING, I wasn't really listening, I was making puppy/dinosaur noises and thinking about taping my fingers together to see how it would feel to be a T-rex. Do I have ADD?

Open windows are also great, I've decided.

example one:

S and I are sitting in a car and two guys walk buy. Guy one does a double take.

S: HE TOTALLY DID A DOUBLE TAKE

C: IT'S CAUSE I'M HAAAAWT

S: YOU KNOW IT GIRL

C: EW LOOOK HE JUST SPIT WHAT A NASTYYYY

S: shit the window's open.

Yeah I'm pretty sure he heard us, and yes we do speak in Caps Lock in regular life.

example two:

M and I are driving by the bus stop and we see D there.

C: D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

car screeches to a stop.

M: D!!!!! D! D! D!!!!!!!!!!!

D waves.

car speeds off

We are non-awkward, I love it.

Open windows are great.

And today I went to Target and I did NOT buy chocolate! OR really cute wall hangings! OR makeup! Except I did buy makeup.

Anyway, I closed off the crazy day by eating leftover Thai food and blasting the greatest hits of pop music whilst singing obnoxiously loud with my lovely roommate. We also made THE MOST DELICIOUS GUACAMOLE EVER, seriously this guaco was ahhh-mazing. And we watched Sex & The City. All in all a rather uneventfully eventful day, if you catch my drift.

And yeah I decided that I need a little time before I can be integrated back into college society. Today, I was just really off my rocker. It was so weird. Funny, but weird.

It just felt weird to be back. Weird to be another face in the crowd that nobody really gives a hoot about. Maybe that was why I was so weird today, it was some sort of sad effort at separating myself from the masses. Well it definitely worked, I'm pretty sure the amount of people who think I am probably crazy has doubled since I set foot on campus at 10:30 this morning. All in a day's work.

Monique summed it up pretty well -- I was just overwhelmed. By people, "feelings", study abroad, the mystery of my missing check, housing, people I don't like, classes I am waitlisted for, being a failure at French, my ethernet not working, oh crap I need to turn in my rent. EVERYTHING. This must be how babies feel when they are birthed into this strange world of adult-sized people saying things that they don't understand and living lives that they don't understand. I'm a fetus guys.

It was also weird that I saw pretty much EVERYONE today. Everyone being, people I wasn't aware that I would run into. Yeah there are lots of people here to run into. I don't know, just imagine every single emotion you have EVER felt, and then imagine feeling them ALL at the same time, and then you pretty much have my day. Wild huh?

Oh and the greatest tidbit maybe. I ran to the bus just as the doors closed and screeched (seriously screeched, you know I make weird noises): NOOOooOooOOOO!

The driver opened it and said, "well, that works." So, semi-embarrassed, I thumped up the stairs and saw someone really familiar looking sitting in the first seat. "Hey!" he said. "HEYYYY," I said, smiling, and then proceeded to the back of the bus. It wasn't till I plopped myself down that I realized it was STEAK BOYYYY. HAHAHA I guess sometimes people who take you on nine hour dates don't really leave a lasting impression? What is WRONG with me.

Anywho. Hopefully life will settle down a little bit in the coming days, I'd like to not feel so alien and strange all the time. Or maybe I'll just stay this hyper and crazy, it's fun for everyone. If you think about it there are only 50 days this quarter, cause 10 weeks times 5 days of class is 50, and then subtract today and some random day we have off and it's 48 days!!! Isn't that uplifting!?!? 48 more days of awkward life!!! I'm excited!!!

dear self,

You miss ice skating. YOU DO. Stop ignoring that fact, start making more effort to get it back into your life.

Today I watched the Stars on Ice special on NBC and I sat there and was jealous of them for being able to do that all their life. I watched and something in me woke up and said HEY, THAT COULD BE YOU. Okay, on a smaller scale, but dammit, I want it back.

So 2010,

I will be on the ice during spring break and in the summer. I will try to get a job as a skating teacher, and I will try to perform at some cheesy little exhibition or SOMETHING. I WILL.

Dear self, you also really need your drivers license.

The fact that you can never spell 'license' correctly without spell-check does NOT take from the fact that YOU NEED ONE. DESPERATELY. You complain of dependency and feeling trapped and YET, not once over break did you practice driving with your father and further yourself onto this path that you have elongated unnecessarily.

In 2010, I WILL GET MY LICENSE and dammit I spelled it wrong again. Thank you gods of google chrome.

Dear self, you should also probably get healthier. Eating & portioning right is more fun than cramming your face with pounds upon pounds of preservatives and chemicalized food. ALSO, SALT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! It is not its own food group, stop treating it like it is.

Dear self, you used to be flexible once. Now when your ham strings hurt when you stretch it DOES mean that you are old and decrepit. Stretching is good for blood flow and fitness and all that other mumbo jumbo, take some time out of your (NON) busy life to STRETCH, maybe it will make you happier and more sprightly.

Good job for buying floss and milk today at the store. Pat on the back.

Dear self, making decisions is good. Remembering that you have goals for the future is also good. And remembering that you DO want to live past twenty five and DO NOT want to die of liver failure would probably be beneficial when you have to make some decisions. Sleeping at normal hours is also good.

Dear self, packing your clothes at 3:00 AM should not make you want to cry. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF. STOP BUYING THINGS. You could clothe a small country. Remember, you are just ONE GIRL. Not a small country.

Instead of buying more clothes, remember that you DO want to buy a DSLR and that you DO want to go to Australia, and that you should probably start saving for retirement and fancy things like that.

---

That was semi-weird. Anyway. I am back in Irvine, and un-packing all my STUFF made me want to cry (again), my laptop experiencing difficulty made me want to cry (again), and sitting here thinking of the next ten weeks makes me...want to sleep forever. Or run home. And you know how much I hate running so take this to heart.

Irvine. Oh, Irvine. I return to you with such bitterness in my heart. Feelings of frustration and anxiety and depression clog the pipes of my mind like the drain of a bathtub of a very hairy man.

I just can't explain, but I do feel so very trapped here. It is all so planned out and perfect. I really can't explain. But the good thing is, I have GOALS for this quarter.

Goals are like shiny things in your pocket that you keep around so that, when you start considering your pillow and that box of chocolates your best friend, and yes this will be happening in the near future, you can drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning and do the whole damn thing again BECAUSE you want to

-write for the New U and perhaps reach out to the souls of the soulless. Discover if there are real people out there. Good luck, here is a flashlight.

-DECLARE your major and minor, so when people ask what major you are, you don't have to lie and tell long stories about feeling lost and directionless and trying to find your identity and bogus bat-shit stuff like that, nobody really cares. Let's keep it simple. Declare a major and minor and there you have it, simple, one-word answers.

-get your plan together to go to freaking Australia, so you can hug kangaroos and koalas (that are supposedly mean, but what gives, you'll find out for yourself) and scuba dive (even though you suck at it) and stay there long enough that you start sounding like those seagulls from Finding Nemo. Also hopefully pick up some culture and discard your ignorance and stop saying "crikey she's a beaut" when talking about Australia.

-SAVE MONEY, because you have TOO MUCH STUFF. George Clooney in Up In The Air and his backpack theory would not approve. (PS this is a very good movie, up for 6 Academy Awards, go watch plz.)

Also, other things to keep you happy when life is not the cat's meow or something:

-THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Hopefully George will be spectating and you will get to spectate George spectating. Do remember to still attend classes.

-Academy Awards & watching all the nominated movies. Culture yourself, do it. Culture yourself online for free, even better. Then make predictions and yell at the TV and all that good stuff. Awards shows = your equivalent to these basketball games people keep talking about.

-TV shows that have come highly recommended: 30 Rock, Glee, Entourage, Weeds. Do it. Be a hermit. Watch every single episode without leaving the comfort of your room.

-On the other hand SUNSHINE is a useful happiness-tool. Vitamin D yourself, but also SPF yourself.

-Reading for fun, people used to do it back in the day, some people have forgotten how, you fortunately live in the past and DO remember these things that they call "books", and well HEY you own a few! Let's crack em open!

Thinking positive is good. If that doesn't work, being cynical and making fun of anything that you can make fun of will probably be good. Making fun of people who don't know that they are being made fun of to their face is fun but not so good for your karma. Making fun of people who can hear you making fun of them is the worst. Karma is not your friend, being 10+ feet away from people and then opening your loud mouth is your friend.

Challenging yourself is good, because trying new things is good. Trying and failing is also good, because then you learn more about yourself and ALSO get to console yourself by eating lots of failure-food. And crying, you haven't done that in a while, I hear that's good for you too.

I am so weird right now. Whatever. Stay weird everyone, it makes life better. HAY 2010, I hope you are ready to be...had...yes.

P.S. You spend entirely too much time on facebook. Your internet "friends" are NOT THAT INTERESTING!!

a 2009 recap

I think I did a really good job documenting 2009. 97 posts on this blog, 1145 tweets, photo albums from every month on facebook, and then a BOATLOAD of random memorabilia on various tumblr accounts. Tumblr = my miscellaneous drawer. I love it with a burning passion.

Anyway, I hardly even remember what happened this year. But who needs to, when you have technology working for you the way that I do? I guess part of the reason why I document so much of what happens in my life is because I'm always afraid of forgetting. Alzheimers IS one of my greatest fears. I'm getting sidetracked. What I mean to say is, right now, looking back, I hardly remember what happened in 2009 and how these events brought me to where I am now. I read a couple of posts from December 2008 and damn I feel different. In a good way, in a bad way, who can really say? But I'll resort to a Vanessa Carlton lyric that somehow always lodges itself into my brain at times like these:

"I feel so far from where I've been."

But yes, if I've learned anything at all, it's that everything is always moving. Constantly changing. My efforts to hold onto moments and remember the happenings is just evidence of how much things can change in fleeting moments. No matter what, you'll never remember it exactly as it was.

January 2009

-Rang in the New Year with the greatest of friends at Meher's house. I still remember Natalie saying "this is the only year we can still wear those glasses, because next year we'll have a bar in the middle of our face!" Trudat, double true.

-I browsed through my January 2009 pictures and it's nice to see I've pretty much spent the entire year with the same people. The same faces in those pictures but I feel so much closer to them, which I love.

February 2009

-February was a very happy month, full of lounging in the park or at various beaches, exploring in Pasadena, LMFAO concert, Beatles music...etc.

-This was the month of the car hustla/aspiring screenwriter.

-Happy birthday TWITTER, 2/8. <3>

March 2009

-March was just as good, if not better.

-The month of spring break! Surprisingly I did not go to Miami or somewhere and prance around in a tiny bikini while gyrating my hips to the party tunes as beer and roofies rained down around me. INSTEAD, Nate and Crystal and I roadtripped our way home. I look back at this very fondly.

April 2009

-BIRTHDAY MONTH! I turned 18 years old. Legally an adult. Time for some responsibility. Or, you know, not. Midnight brought phone calls and texts and IMs from people I love, then I had a very fun birthday dinner and quite the birthday party...hahaha.

-And this was the month I started the lil sis program for PAPhi. WOOPWOOP...made some friends, had some adventures, learned some lessons, yafeel? I think it opened my eyes to a lot of people-business. Goodbye, naivete.

May 2009

-A busy month. I think I was mostly taken up with the lil sis thing, lots of hanging outs with peoples. And I got a job this month at the Zot N Go, happy seven months, job.

-Cartilage piercing!

June 2009

-HELLO SUMMER! & hello summer school.....moved into my apartment in Irvine. And BRING ON THE SUMMER FUN!

-I went to my first rave - EDC! (:

-In general, June was just about cool summer nights and hot summer days, socializing excessively, eating too much, shopping a lot, getting tan, staying out late, sleeping in, breaking rules, all the regular summer goodness.

July 2009

-More of the same( :

-This month, I chased grunions and made some memorable insta-friends.

-"More and more, the every day roller coaster is teaching me how to depend on myself and where to find the people to truly count on."

-July, I just wanted more, more, more. More of everything. Hahaha, sigh.

August 2009

-What a month of revelations!

-Camping trip with some sluts. Probably one of my favorite memories from summer 09, and what great fun it was. It was nice to be without technology for a while and to just enjoy the company of your friends, and to be gloriously dirty and physically exhausted and not give a damn. Being tan is also fun. Being bowlegged is not.

-I GOT MY PERMIT! AHHAHAHAHA -_- Am I a grown up yet?

-Was reminded of how much I miss ice skating.

-My trip to the motherland brought a lot of new things to think about to my plate, as well as a lot of understanding and renewed appreciation for my life...and a general push to work harder and fulfill potential, or something like that.

September 2009

-back to school. I entered the quarter ready to get down to business, very goal-oriented, yadayada. I think I lost it somewhere along the way.

-rushed Greek. Learned a lot about myself and others. Stress. Tried harder to understand this concept of "being yourself".

-but I did sign up for a lot of stuff. Kept my job at Zot N Go, discovered a subject that I'm really interested in (anthropology), got a position on the yearbook staff, started the process of becoming a writer for the paper, and got an internship for student govt.

October 2009

-was a ridiculous month. I guess I got sucked into this identity crisis sort of deal and had some struggles figuring that out, but I also had a lot of fun.

-Went to my third Jason Mraz concert, saw Gym Class Heroes and Shwayze, and had quite a Halloween. Also randomly made things happen and ended up going to the Gen Art fashion show in LA, which turned into the birthing of the fuckupellas as well as a sad attempt at a fashion blog and, later on, a realization that I am not fashionista material. I will just blog about other things, haha.

-started valuing the power of DGAF. And yeah, there was much rambling and craziness on my blog in October. "WHO AM I/WHERE AM I GOING" type teen angst, all in a days work.

November 2009

-another socially busy month with a side of more teen-angst, blog style.

-Saw The-Dream, discovered revolving sushi, had a nice adventure day & re-fell in love with swinging, meteor showers, cooked a lot more at my apartment...generally I think I learned to appreciate the littler things in life, and started trying to slow myself down.

-Thanksgiving was spent in Reno with my family. Thought a lot about things that I am thankful for.

December 2009

-Meet my new boyfriend: the Disneyland annual pass.

-birthed my tumblr. LOVE<3

-HOME & amazing friends...I am really so, so lucky. I don't think I could ever find a group as hilarious and trustworthy and just off the wall cool...awzm (:

So for 2010, goals...keep blogging? Keep documenting, keep thinking (but less overthinking).

And staying FOCUSED! Being the best I can be -- staying motivated and ambitious when it comes to school stuff, getting healthier cause I figure my body took a massive beating in 2009, and being more decisive.

ANYWAY, overall, I just feel like events in 2009 taught me so much and opened my eyes to how the world works slash how I function, as well. 2010 I'm definitely going to keep learning and I'm excited for whatever is coming up, because basically we just keep learning until we die, and I think that's kinda great.

HAPPY NEW YEAR (: