Growing up in Indonesia would be so much different from the childhood I had. For one thing, family would be a lot more important to me, and I can see myself being much closer to my parents than I am now. Just being here obviously puts a stronger emphasis on family and already I'm appreciating my family more as I hear stories from the past. Yesterday I sat around the kitchen table with my grandma and my mom, making sweet rice cakes and listening to them retell funny stories of when my mom was little. This seems like such an everyday task but it's something I can only do once every three or four years, and I feel like there's something wrong with that.
Maybe my life would be more solidly grounded in family and in religion if I had grown up here. My aunt talked last night about my older cousin who is dating a Chinese girl, and she said something about religion being a very important factor in deciding who to marry or date. I didn't want to tell her that religion was definitely not an important factor in my life. And it made me wonder how far I fell from the mark -- my mom tried raising me Catholic as she had been raised, but who I am now, in thought and in action, is pretty far from the Catholic girl she tried to raise.
Considering this aspect of religion made me consider everything else about my life in the US. It's easy now to pinpoint the source of all the struggles between me and my parents; it's a cultural barrier that we both can't seem to breach. My sister and I strive for an American lifestyle of independence, freedom, and an exploration of different religions/schools of thought before sticking to one. My parents want us to have the bringing up that they had, centered around family, tradition, and respect for elders, including following their advice in all subject matters.
I'm trying to imagine growing up here. My aunts in Jakarta live in big, well-designed houses, with several nice cars and plenty of helpers and chauffeurs, and send their kids to private schools. My family lives in an apartment with two Hondas, my sister and I are in charge of cleaning the house and my mother does all the cooking. Everyone serves as a chauffeur when available, and my sister and I attended public schools since elementary school.
Had I grown up in Indonesia, would I live in a big house like my cousins did? Would I see them every morning as we get dropped off at the same school? Would I be happier this way, readily accepting and prolonging a tradition of growing up in Indonesia? I can't decide for myself if I would be happier, but I know for a fact that my parents are happier here. They're surrounded by their family and old friends, and aren't treated with the disrespect that foreigners sometimes encounter in the US. Which makes me question why they moved to the US in the first place.
It was a big, courageous move for them, I know. And I have a new-found sense of respect for them when I think of what they left behind. I wonder now if they're satisfied with what they have in the US, and if they ever regret their decision. If they ever look at me and my sister, their Americanized daughters, and regret raising us in the US, so far away from their home and our family.
It does give me a sense of regret. I never really understood where they were coming from, I guess, and during our past visits to Indonesia, I didn't really think about all this; it was just another vacation. I don't know what's different this time, but I guess I'm trying more to appreciate this trip because these visits are so few and far between. I've been listening to my aunts and grandma retell stories and talk about my cousins growing up and all that...and it's left me feeling like I'm missing out, being so far away.
I'd love to be able to watch my cousins grow up and count them among my dearest friends, to talk to my grandma without having to ask my mother to translate a word that I don't understand. I'd love to hang out with my cousins and not feel like such a fish out of water, to not have to feel self conscious about my American-ness and to not have to wonder if they think I'm some stuck-up, spoiled girl from far away.
I don't know. Surrounded by a close-knit family that I'm a distant part of is making me question a lot of my own actions and desires, past and present.
8.25.2009
8.24.2009
cousins
make me so happy! (:
Last night I went to a sushi place with two sets of aunts/uncles/cousins. There were five of us seated at the "kids table", messing around just like old times. I forgot that I was 18 years old and in college and just resorted to making stupid faces at my 9 year old cousin next to me. He never stops talking and is truly a laugh riot, which I absolutely adore.
I am very content here. But at the same time this lull in productivity makes me want to go back to school even more. I had a dream last night about being back in Irvine and it made me want to get a move on with my goals. I guess I just can't really forget what I want to accomplish, and being in a place where I can't get any closer to those achievements makes me feel distant and irrelevant. I've never been good at being patient, but I realize I just need to learn how to appreciate what every day brings me, whether it be a step closer to accomplishing something or simply a good day with my family.
Being here also makes me wonder how my life would be different if I were born here instead of in the US.
Last night I went to a sushi place with two sets of aunts/uncles/cousins. There were five of us seated at the "kids table", messing around just like old times. I forgot that I was 18 years old and in college and just resorted to making stupid faces at my 9 year old cousin next to me. He never stops talking and is truly a laugh riot, which I absolutely adore.
I am very content here. But at the same time this lull in productivity makes me want to go back to school even more. I had a dream last night about being back in Irvine and it made me want to get a move on with my goals. I guess I just can't really forget what I want to accomplish, and being in a place where I can't get any closer to those achievements makes me feel distant and irrelevant. I've never been good at being patient, but I realize I just need to learn how to appreciate what every day brings me, whether it be a step closer to accomplishing something or simply a good day with my family.
Being here also makes me wonder how my life would be different if I were born here instead of in the US.
8.23.2009
coming home, part three
I am finally in Jakarta. And quite exhausted. The past two days were pretty empty days, mostly spent sitting around waiting for planes that kept getting delayed. I won't go into detail but I will just say it took an extra 24 hours to actually make it to Jakarta, with a couple spare hours spent in Singapore with my aunt and adorable little cousins.
Before I go on I guess I should recap the rest of the Hong Kong leg of my trip. Day 2 was spent in normal tourist behavior, I guess. We went on a tram that was chugging straight up to Victoria Peak at what seemed like a four o'clock angle. The view from the top was absolutely remarkable! I can't wait to post pictures but I doubt I'll be able to until I'm back in the US. Anyway we lingered for a little bit but the blistering heat discouraged us from staying any longer.
We spent the afternoon lingering in cafes, exploring the IFC mall, and getting better acquainted with the MTR system. Dinnertime found us at a small and delicious restaurant tucked into a corner of the city, close to the water and our next destination, the Avenue of Stars.
Something of the HK version of Hollywood Blvd, the avenue was set right on the water and gave us an amazing view of the lit-up city sandwiched between dark sky and reflective waters. As 8 o'clock rolled around, the Symphony of Lights began and the skyscrapers across from us lit up, syncing with the music that was being projected from behind us. It was extremely well-coordinated and pretty much blew me away...I love watching light shows and things like that. The last time I was in a similar state of awe was probably last summer at the Disneyland fireworks show. SIGH<3
Day three was uneventful and consisted of the usual traveling bore - arriving at the airport early, waiting in line to check in, waiting for planes, etc. The failure of the plane to launch after four hours on the tarmac brought us a free night at the airport hotel as well as free dinner and breakfast.
I observed the crowd of delayed passengers and saw that almost all of them were angry. It got me thinking about stress and anger and how it all really just gets passed on for no real reason, and it was kind of frustrating. Honestly in situations like these anger will get you nowhere. I felt really bad for the guy trying to deal with all the vicious Asians, he looked no more than 21 and there was a look of confusion and panic on his face. I guess all these negative feelings just end up becoming a vicious cycle and they influence our environment for the worse. Honestly, I didn't mind the wait at all. I was just thinking that these people needed to chill and realize that it was not a huge deal.
Plus I had my third book of the trip to keep me company. Usually I hate waiting but now I really don't mind... I just whip out Obama's Dreams From My Father and keep reading about our president. As I read about his childhood in Jakarta, his descriptions came to life in my head, because I've seen everything he described before. In fact, I was heading there. It made me feel a connection to the president, as trivial and unrelated as it may be. This book is really becoming an inspiration for me, cheesy as that may sound. Oh and later on I found out that Obama was my aunt's friend's classmate in Indonesia...CRAZYY!
The next morning at 11 we were FINALLY in the air, and four hours later we were in Singapore, ready for another period of waiting. This time, since we had seven hours, my aunt picked us up and we settled at her house to catch up, eat, and see my cousins. They are 8 and 6, totally adorable, and EXTREMELY high energy.
The flight to Jakarta was a short one and I completely conked out. My other aunt picked us up at the airport and I fell asleep on the way home, the conversation occurring in Indonesian between the grown-ups sounding like music to my ears.
Coming to Indonesia feels oddly like coming home. Even though I can count the number of times I've visited on one hand, coming back to visit was kind of a sigh of relief. I guess it just feels familiar and I've had nothing but positive experiences here, what with spending so much time with all my family and all the relaxation. I guess some of my fondest memories are from the times I've spent in Indonesia, like last time when I was 15.
All my relatives stayed at a villa nestled in the countryside for a weekend. It was the perfect getaway: expansive fields, a cool stream nearby, and a well furnished and comfortable villa to house us all once night fell. Despite the fact that the house was more than able to accommodate us, everyone decided to sleep outside. We pitched tents by the stream, all the kids in one tent whispering and laughing as the adults told us to quiet down. I don't recall ever feeling more happy. Everything else is just a string of memories: laughing at the puppy sliding down the hills on his belly, exploring the stream and losing our sandals, sitting outside eating bananas and watching my talkative little cousin march around the soccer field barefoot, bossing the adults around.
I guess Indonesia is the perfect vacation spot because I feel like a kid again. I'm not the one with responsibilities and a life schedule to plan, I'm just another cousin or niece or granddaughter. I hardly even know the language, too, so I'm not expected to converse fluently with the adults or company. It feels good being a kid again, being around my cousins reminds me of how simple and happy they are and I just feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when I'm playing with them. No judgments, no need to impress, no desire for approval. And it helps that my cousins are all a very talkative, high-energy, and sociable bunch. I wish I could be around more to watch them grow up, though. The last three years since I've seen them have brought considerable change, both in height and personality. I'm always a little apprehensive right before I see them -- what if they don't remember me, or what if they've gotten so different from how I remember them? My last memories of them are so fond that I don't want to replace them, unless of course with better ones.
And I'm pretty sure better memories are close on the horizon. This weekend we're all heading to a tea plantation complete with horses! I am excited. To say the least. (:
I watched two movies on the plane that I really enjoyed: Sunshine Cleaning and Big Fish. Both nearly had me to tears haha. GO WATCH if you haven't already! Time for lunch with my aunt and grandma.
Before I go on I guess I should recap the rest of the Hong Kong leg of my trip. Day 2 was spent in normal tourist behavior, I guess. We went on a tram that was chugging straight up to Victoria Peak at what seemed like a four o'clock angle. The view from the top was absolutely remarkable! I can't wait to post pictures but I doubt I'll be able to until I'm back in the US. Anyway we lingered for a little bit but the blistering heat discouraged us from staying any longer.
We spent the afternoon lingering in cafes, exploring the IFC mall, and getting better acquainted with the MTR system. Dinnertime found us at a small and delicious restaurant tucked into a corner of the city, close to the water and our next destination, the Avenue of Stars.
Something of the HK version of Hollywood Blvd, the avenue was set right on the water and gave us an amazing view of the lit-up city sandwiched between dark sky and reflective waters. As 8 o'clock rolled around, the Symphony of Lights began and the skyscrapers across from us lit up, syncing with the music that was being projected from behind us. It was extremely well-coordinated and pretty much blew me away...I love watching light shows and things like that. The last time I was in a similar state of awe was probably last summer at the Disneyland fireworks show. SIGH<3
Day three was uneventful and consisted of the usual traveling bore - arriving at the airport early, waiting in line to check in, waiting for planes, etc. The failure of the plane to launch after four hours on the tarmac brought us a free night at the airport hotel as well as free dinner and breakfast.
I observed the crowd of delayed passengers and saw that almost all of them were angry. It got me thinking about stress and anger and how it all really just gets passed on for no real reason, and it was kind of frustrating. Honestly in situations like these anger will get you nowhere. I felt really bad for the guy trying to deal with all the vicious Asians, he looked no more than 21 and there was a look of confusion and panic on his face. I guess all these negative feelings just end up becoming a vicious cycle and they influence our environment for the worse. Honestly, I didn't mind the wait at all. I was just thinking that these people needed to chill and realize that it was not a huge deal.
Plus I had my third book of the trip to keep me company. Usually I hate waiting but now I really don't mind... I just whip out Obama's Dreams From My Father and keep reading about our president. As I read about his childhood in Jakarta, his descriptions came to life in my head, because I've seen everything he described before. In fact, I was heading there. It made me feel a connection to the president, as trivial and unrelated as it may be. This book is really becoming an inspiration for me, cheesy as that may sound. Oh and later on I found out that Obama was my aunt's friend's classmate in Indonesia...CRAZYY!
The next morning at 11 we were FINALLY in the air, and four hours later we were in Singapore, ready for another period of waiting. This time, since we had seven hours, my aunt picked us up and we settled at her house to catch up, eat, and see my cousins. They are 8 and 6, totally adorable, and EXTREMELY high energy.
The flight to Jakarta was a short one and I completely conked out. My other aunt picked us up at the airport and I fell asleep on the way home, the conversation occurring in Indonesian between the grown-ups sounding like music to my ears.
Coming to Indonesia feels oddly like coming home. Even though I can count the number of times I've visited on one hand, coming back to visit was kind of a sigh of relief. I guess it just feels familiar and I've had nothing but positive experiences here, what with spending so much time with all my family and all the relaxation. I guess some of my fondest memories are from the times I've spent in Indonesia, like last time when I was 15.
All my relatives stayed at a villa nestled in the countryside for a weekend. It was the perfect getaway: expansive fields, a cool stream nearby, and a well furnished and comfortable villa to house us all once night fell. Despite the fact that the house was more than able to accommodate us, everyone decided to sleep outside. We pitched tents by the stream, all the kids in one tent whispering and laughing as the adults told us to quiet down. I don't recall ever feeling more happy. Everything else is just a string of memories: laughing at the puppy sliding down the hills on his belly, exploring the stream and losing our sandals, sitting outside eating bananas and watching my talkative little cousin march around the soccer field barefoot, bossing the adults around.
I guess Indonesia is the perfect vacation spot because I feel like a kid again. I'm not the one with responsibilities and a life schedule to plan, I'm just another cousin or niece or granddaughter. I hardly even know the language, too, so I'm not expected to converse fluently with the adults or company. It feels good being a kid again, being around my cousins reminds me of how simple and happy they are and I just feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when I'm playing with them. No judgments, no need to impress, no desire for approval. And it helps that my cousins are all a very talkative, high-energy, and sociable bunch. I wish I could be around more to watch them grow up, though. The last three years since I've seen them have brought considerable change, both in height and personality. I'm always a little apprehensive right before I see them -- what if they don't remember me, or what if they've gotten so different from how I remember them? My last memories of them are so fond that I don't want to replace them, unless of course with better ones.
And I'm pretty sure better memories are close on the horizon. This weekend we're all heading to a tea plantation complete with horses! I am excited. To say the least. (:
I watched two movies on the plane that I really enjoyed: Sunshine Cleaning and Big Fish. Both nearly had me to tears haha. GO WATCH if you haven't already! Time for lunch with my aunt and grandma.
8.20.2009
I STICKY.
I decided to not even bother to figure out the time differences and how to switch between HK and CA. Instead, I am adopting the recently acquired camping philosphy that time is of no importance. I mean, I'm on vacation, after all.
After a pretty fast 13 hour flight (consisted of Running With Scissors, 17 Again omgzacefron, & SLEEP), we landed in HK. Immediately after stepping off the plane I was greeted with a cloud of humidity and instantly my pores started filling with sweat. Apparently the fact that it was 5 in the morning does not stop HK from being an already sweltering 87 degrees Fahrenheit.
We left the airport and went on an adventure. After getting picked up by a rollicky double decker reminiscent of the Knight Bus in Harry Potter, we transferred buses a couple more times, stopped at a 7/11 for snackage, and then took a ride through dense greenery to arrive at the Big Buddha. Can I first just say -- Hong Kong is breathtakingly beautiful. It's extremely lush, it's seriously GREEN everywhere you look. The mountains are amazing to look at too, and the ocean view is just as nice. Pictures do not do it justice.
So according to my mother, the story is that if you touch the lotus leaves that the Big Buddha is seated upon, you get to make a wish. We made our way up the many many stairs and soon found ourselves at the foot of the statue. Unfortunately we soon found out that to actually get close enough to touch the lotus, we would have to pay a fee. Any spark of faith in spirituality fizzled quickly...sigh. HAHA. Moving on.
After this little side-trip we went to our hotel. L'Hotel. It's QUITE swanky and I enjoy it immensely! We have a room on the 33rd floor and I absolutely love it, unlike my dad who has a fear of heights. Glancing out the big glass windows and being greeted with a view of high rises and bustling city streets far below fulfills some sort of happiness within me. I sat on my crisp white bed and soaked it in for a while as my sister flipped through channels. We couldn't decide what to watch:
1. A program called "Let's Speak Korean!!" taught by an entirely too enthusiastic Korean girl to an entirely too white man. Pretty entertaining.
2. A (BAD) soap opera where the main character is a white girl who speaks English with a Russian accent, but speaks in Mandarin to her father, who looks EXACTLY like Gimli (complete with beard/grunting) and has recently been diagnosed with diabetes.
Needless to say we found our way to MTV soon enough and fell asleep to Colbie Caillat and Taylor Swift music videos. LOVE!
Random HK tidbits:
-Conversation between me and my mother (some of you know she was concerned about my clothing being not conservative enough.)
Mom: (pointing at girls wearing t-shirts) see, those girls aren't wearing tank tops
Chery: they also look like they haven't seen sunlight in fourteen years. I have a tan to show off.
Mom: (laughs at me. SIGH)
To fit in amongst the HK girls I would probably have to lose 20 pounds and get 30 shades lighter. And then take a trip back to 2006 and give myself lawnmower bangs again.
-My enthusiastic urban studies professor's voice has been in my head because HK is full of...
1. ROUNDABOUTS!! A great way to divert traffic! (drift off into a personal story about getting lost in the roundabouts in Paris)
2. High rises galore!! High density, affordable housing! (insert another miscellaneous story from his well-traveled life)
Seriously, I can hear him echoing in my brain. But I'm interested in all this city stuff and city life is fascinating for me right now so I'm fine with it...
-MINUS the fact that I wish I had...very limited parental attention. Haha. Clubbing & Happy Hour are not activities to bring Ma and Pa along on. NTS, come back with friends. I am dying to explore the city without parents.
-like I mentioned earlier I have 2 bug bites already, more than the rest of my family combined. I don't know whether to be flattered that the bugs love me so much or just plain annoyed. One has swollen to nickel sized and the other to poker chip sized. Incredible. My body really just amazes me sometimes.
-HUMIDITY...I STICKY, ALL THE TIME! The immortal words of Katherine Hu, spoken almost EXACTLY a year ago (!!!) hold extremely true at this point in my life. I don't remember what it feels like to be non-sticky. SIGH, southeast Asia. How you tickle my fancy.
-LOTS OF DRAGONFLIES! They're huge. I also saw these bright red spiders with creepily long legs, and a praying mantis the size of my hand.
-peoplewatching = much fun to be had. Also there are billboards of girls who look like they could go to UCI.
And yeah, I finished reading Running With Scissors. Which I HIGHLY enjoyed & highly recommend. I remembered a recent conversation I had with C about getting really immersed into a book and then starting to hear the narrator in your head...because now Augusten Burroughs basically lives in my head. HAHA I'm starting to feel a little crazy, but yeah there is a narration going on in my mind right now. It's fine. Seriously though, that book was CRAZY good. And CRAZY! But really good.
Oh, and I have been writing entirely too much...someone please buy me an electronic journal with a QWERTY keypad so I can write ALL THE TIME. Being on vacation = too much free time, too much free time = too much thinking, too much thinking = too much writing = hand cramps and chicken scratch handwriting. WiFi would be good too, thanks.
But yeah, I am enjoying Hong Kong so far! I'm not really jetlagged, I guess because my sleep schedule at home was weird enough for me to not feel 13 hours of re-scheduling. Whatever. Ok, goodbye from the lobby of my swanky L'HOTEL! Until the next time the computer is freee...
After a pretty fast 13 hour flight (consisted of Running With Scissors, 17 Again omgzacefron, & SLEEP), we landed in HK. Immediately after stepping off the plane I was greeted with a cloud of humidity and instantly my pores started filling with sweat. Apparently the fact that it was 5 in the morning does not stop HK from being an already sweltering 87 degrees Fahrenheit.
We left the airport and went on an adventure. After getting picked up by a rollicky double decker reminiscent of the Knight Bus in Harry Potter, we transferred buses a couple more times, stopped at a 7/11 for snackage, and then took a ride through dense greenery to arrive at the Big Buddha. Can I first just say -- Hong Kong is breathtakingly beautiful. It's extremely lush, it's seriously GREEN everywhere you look. The mountains are amazing to look at too, and the ocean view is just as nice. Pictures do not do it justice.
So according to my mother, the story is that if you touch the lotus leaves that the Big Buddha is seated upon, you get to make a wish. We made our way up the many many stairs and soon found ourselves at the foot of the statue. Unfortunately we soon found out that to actually get close enough to touch the lotus, we would have to pay a fee. Any spark of faith in spirituality fizzled quickly...sigh. HAHA. Moving on.
After this little side-trip we went to our hotel. L'Hotel. It's QUITE swanky and I enjoy it immensely! We have a room on the 33rd floor and I absolutely love it, unlike my dad who has a fear of heights. Glancing out the big glass windows and being greeted with a view of high rises and bustling city streets far below fulfills some sort of happiness within me. I sat on my crisp white bed and soaked it in for a while as my sister flipped through channels. We couldn't decide what to watch:
1. A program called "Let's Speak Korean!!" taught by an entirely too enthusiastic Korean girl to an entirely too white man. Pretty entertaining.
2. A (BAD) soap opera where the main character is a white girl who speaks English with a Russian accent, but speaks in Mandarin to her father, who looks EXACTLY like Gimli (complete with beard/grunting) and has recently been diagnosed with diabetes.
Needless to say we found our way to MTV soon enough and fell asleep to Colbie Caillat and Taylor Swift music videos. LOVE!
Random HK tidbits:
-Conversation between me and my mother (some of you know she was concerned about my clothing being not conservative enough.)
Mom: (pointing at girls wearing t-shirts) see, those girls aren't wearing tank tops
Chery: they also look like they haven't seen sunlight in fourteen years. I have a tan to show off.
Mom: (laughs at me. SIGH)
To fit in amongst the HK girls I would probably have to lose 20 pounds and get 30 shades lighter. And then take a trip back to 2006 and give myself lawnmower bangs again.
-My enthusiastic urban studies professor's voice has been in my head because HK is full of...
1. ROUNDABOUTS!! A great way to divert traffic! (drift off into a personal story about getting lost in the roundabouts in Paris)
2. High rises galore!! High density, affordable housing! (insert another miscellaneous story from his well-traveled life)
Seriously, I can hear him echoing in my brain. But I'm interested in all this city stuff and city life is fascinating for me right now so I'm fine with it...
-MINUS the fact that I wish I had...very limited parental attention. Haha. Clubbing & Happy Hour are not activities to bring Ma and Pa along on. NTS, come back with friends. I am dying to explore the city without parents.
-like I mentioned earlier I have 2 bug bites already, more than the rest of my family combined. I don't know whether to be flattered that the bugs love me so much or just plain annoyed. One has swollen to nickel sized and the other to poker chip sized. Incredible. My body really just amazes me sometimes.
-HUMIDITY...I STICKY, ALL THE TIME! The immortal words of Katherine Hu, spoken almost EXACTLY a year ago (!!!) hold extremely true at this point in my life. I don't remember what it feels like to be non-sticky. SIGH, southeast Asia. How you tickle my fancy.
-LOTS OF DRAGONFLIES! They're huge. I also saw these bright red spiders with creepily long legs, and a praying mantis the size of my hand.
-peoplewatching = much fun to be had. Also there are billboards of girls who look like they could go to UCI.
And yeah, I finished reading Running With Scissors. Which I HIGHLY enjoyed & highly recommend. I remembered a recent conversation I had with C about getting really immersed into a book and then starting to hear the narrator in your head...because now Augusten Burroughs basically lives in my head. HAHA I'm starting to feel a little crazy, but yeah there is a narration going on in my mind right now. It's fine. Seriously though, that book was CRAZY good. And CRAZY! But really good.
Oh, and I have been writing entirely too much...someone please buy me an electronic journal with a QWERTY keypad so I can write ALL THE TIME. Being on vacation = too much free time, too much free time = too much thinking, too much thinking = too much writing = hand cramps and chicken scratch handwriting. WiFi would be good too, thanks.
But yeah, I am enjoying Hong Kong so far! I'm not really jetlagged, I guess because my sleep schedule at home was weird enough for me to not feel 13 hours of re-scheduling. Whatever. Ok, goodbye from the lobby of my swanky L'HOTEL! Until the next time the computer is freee...
HK!
HERE! Yay.
Bug bite count: 2. Although I feel like they should count for 2 each because they've swollen to pretty incredible size.
Sigh, internet time is limited. And I finished reading Running With Scissors. C was right, WEIRD...but hilarious.
Bug bite count: 2. Although I feel like they should count for 2 each because they've swollen to pretty incredible size.
Sigh, internet time is limited. And I finished reading Running With Scissors. C was right, WEIRD...but hilarious.
8.17.2009
more looking back
2007 was a great year.
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
looking back
If you could re-do the past year, would you?
---
A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.
When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.
Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.
There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.
I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?
I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.
---
A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.
When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.
Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.
There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.
I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?
I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.
8.16.2009
simplify
I'm back from a weekend camping adventure at Lake Sonoma with the crew, unfortunately missing a few people. One camping thread and much stress on a certain vicious (but well-loved) camp director's part later and we were at campsites #95 and #96, grilling burgers, spewing profanities at bees, and getting gloriously filthy.
It was actually really nice to not have to worry about anything, including hygiene. That may sound disgusting now, but showers were not really a main priority, because you know that your neighbor stinks just as much as you do. It's a combination of campsite dust, sunblock, and sweat...and then maybe throw in some lingering scent of portapotty and lake water. Delicious.
Seriously though, the entire time I was there, I was hardly thinking (except when B and T brought up interesting topics) and mostly just enjoying every moment. I wasn't thinking about school, or all the things I had to do. I didn't think about people I miss in Irvine and I wasn't meticulously planning out my fall quarter. I wasn't belittling myself for failing to acquire an internship like my friend had, and I wasn't constantly reminding myself to make things happen. I was just be-ing, and it was refreshingly simple and nice.
Even when I'm at home, I plan things constantly. I am a list-maker and I plot out time frames in my mind, which I realize is an exceedingly stressful instinct. I plan when I shower, I plan what I am going to eat, I plan what I will wear, the list goes on. There's just too much to think of. Then there's the added stress of parentals and sibling and the expectations that they bring you. But when we were all camping, there wasn't really much to stress about. Plenty of delicious food, plenty of good company. And that is all I need to keep me content.
Turning off my phone was such a relief as well. I will admit that I am pretty attached to my cellular device here in the real world, and it is something that I both love and hate. I love it because it lets me get in contact with the people I like best, but I hate it because it means I'm always accessible and a text message could throw my pre-planned day wildly off course. Sometimes my phone brings me things that are not best for me. Plus my phone's presence by my side just makes me feel like I'm waiting for something. Expecting a text message or phone call from a friend, when in reality, the phone should be something I glance at once every couple hours instead of however often I actually do toy with it (which is embarrassingly frequent).
I could argue that I just check the time on my phone very often...which is another thing I liked about camping. I never really knew what time it was. We got back to an animalistic stage, I guess you could say. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired, and got up when the sun came out. "What time is it?" we asked each other, bleary eyed, as we stumbled out of our tents. Nobody really knew...and then I realized it was of the least significance. Life became so much more simple and pleasant.
It was pleasant too, to sit and read for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I really read for pleasure in chunks of time like this. I devoured my book, 200+ pages in about two days, reading on and off whenever I could. Most of the time when I read, I just read pages at a time and then get distracted by something else (namely technology, damn you). It was so nice to just sit, attempt to forget about the sweltering heat and obnoxious bees, and disappear into someone else's fictional life.
Now that I'm back in civilization I've decided to be less attached to these devices that steal simplicity and pleasure away from my life. But it's a tough routine to change, because here I am, listening to Drake on my iPod, typing furiously away on my laptop (with twitter, facebook, gmail, AIM, and my blog open), with my phone not three inches away. And where is the book that was such a great companion to me all weekend? It lies lonely and unfinished in my bedroom, where I dropped it after I got home.
I suppose the trip was just that -- a trip. We can't always escape the negatives of technology and modern life, but it was a nice reminder to me to retreat into simple times whenever I can. It was a weekend well-spent, with much loved friends and fun times I won't forget anytime soon.
Aside from the camaraderie, I already miss the night sky. I miss seeing the Milky Way and the millions of stars, and I miss hoping that I'll look up at exactly the right time and catch a shooting star in it's short-lived trip across the sky. Seeing that huge darkness and all the stars reminds you of how small you are, and it's reassuring in a way.
I guess I just need to bring camping philosophy into my everyday civilian life. Simplify, retreat, have fun, remember your insignificance every once in a while. Wear plenty of sunblock. Oh, and bring band-aids.
It was actually really nice to not have to worry about anything, including hygiene. That may sound disgusting now, but showers were not really a main priority, because you know that your neighbor stinks just as much as you do. It's a combination of campsite dust, sunblock, and sweat...and then maybe throw in some lingering scent of portapotty and lake water. Delicious.
Seriously though, the entire time I was there, I was hardly thinking (except when B and T brought up interesting topics) and mostly just enjoying every moment. I wasn't thinking about school, or all the things I had to do. I didn't think about people I miss in Irvine and I wasn't meticulously planning out my fall quarter. I wasn't belittling myself for failing to acquire an internship like my friend had, and I wasn't constantly reminding myself to make things happen. I was just be-ing, and it was refreshingly simple and nice.
Even when I'm at home, I plan things constantly. I am a list-maker and I plot out time frames in my mind, which I realize is an exceedingly stressful instinct. I plan when I shower, I plan what I am going to eat, I plan what I will wear, the list goes on. There's just too much to think of. Then there's the added stress of parentals and sibling and the expectations that they bring you. But when we were all camping, there wasn't really much to stress about. Plenty of delicious food, plenty of good company. And that is all I need to keep me content.
Turning off my phone was such a relief as well. I will admit that I am pretty attached to my cellular device here in the real world, and it is something that I both love and hate. I love it because it lets me get in contact with the people I like best, but I hate it because it means I'm always accessible and a text message could throw my pre-planned day wildly off course. Sometimes my phone brings me things that are not best for me. Plus my phone's presence by my side just makes me feel like I'm waiting for something. Expecting a text message or phone call from a friend, when in reality, the phone should be something I glance at once every couple hours instead of however often I actually do toy with it (which is embarrassingly frequent).
I could argue that I just check the time on my phone very often...which is another thing I liked about camping. I never really knew what time it was. We got back to an animalistic stage, I guess you could say. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired, and got up when the sun came out. "What time is it?" we asked each other, bleary eyed, as we stumbled out of our tents. Nobody really knew...and then I realized it was of the least significance. Life became so much more simple and pleasant.
It was pleasant too, to sit and read for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I really read for pleasure in chunks of time like this. I devoured my book, 200+ pages in about two days, reading on and off whenever I could. Most of the time when I read, I just read pages at a time and then get distracted by something else (namely technology, damn you). It was so nice to just sit, attempt to forget about the sweltering heat and obnoxious bees, and disappear into someone else's fictional life.
Now that I'm back in civilization I've decided to be less attached to these devices that steal simplicity and pleasure away from my life. But it's a tough routine to change, because here I am, listening to Drake on my iPod, typing furiously away on my laptop (with twitter, facebook, gmail, AIM, and my blog open), with my phone not three inches away. And where is the book that was such a great companion to me all weekend? It lies lonely and unfinished in my bedroom, where I dropped it after I got home.
I suppose the trip was just that -- a trip. We can't always escape the negatives of technology and modern life, but it was a nice reminder to me to retreat into simple times whenever I can. It was a weekend well-spent, with much loved friends and fun times I won't forget anytime soon.
Aside from the camaraderie, I already miss the night sky. I miss seeing the Milky Way and the millions of stars, and I miss hoping that I'll look up at exactly the right time and catch a shooting star in it's short-lived trip across the sky. Seeing that huge darkness and all the stars reminds you of how small you are, and it's reassuring in a way.
I guess I just need to bring camping philosophy into my everyday civilian life. Simplify, retreat, have fun, remember your insignificance every once in a while. Wear plenty of sunblock. Oh, and bring band-aids.
8.12.2009
friends
How do you know if you are friends with someone?
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.
Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?
I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.
I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.
More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.
I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.
Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?
I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.
I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.
More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.
I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:
8.10.2009
be still
Today was a weird day for me. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Lucky for me there are things in my life that can easily change that. For instance, this amazing view with these amazing people...I wanted to freeze time and sit there for eternity, not saying a word. Like I said before, sometimes things just feel right.
And sometimes it feels like the world is whizzing by. People are going to college soon and I'm embarking on this rather epic Asia-journey in a little over a week. The summer is passing by faster than I expected -- but each moment is rich and valued so I don't really feel at a loss. Some things are falling into place, which I'm enjoying. And the things that aren't...I don't really miss. I feel a definite change in myself and others. Change is good.
And something I learned: sometimes I need to just be quiet and appreciate. It's usually my instinct to have something to say...but sometimes silence speaks for itself. Right?
8.08.2009
flight
It felt like freedom. Sometimes, things just feel right.
I can't really express how good it was to just be on the ice again...but I liked the challenge.
And something about physically falling and getting up and trying again is so...simple and nice.
Waking up sore this morning was a good feeling. I want this back.
It made me happy in a way that I haven't been for a while..
Thanks C for documenting, thanks B for the accompaniment and opportunity. (:
8.06.2009
potential
I used to have it once.
---
Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"
But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.
They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.
It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.
I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.
Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.
"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?
There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.
---
And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?
I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.
If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.
---
Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"
But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.
They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.
It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.
I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.
Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.
"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?
There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.
---
And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?
I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.
If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.
8.05.2009
closer
Closer to my dreams
I'm gettin' higher
I feel it in my sleep
I said I'm gettin' higher
And closer to my dreams
Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on
Closer to my dreams
-Closer, Drake ft. Andreena Mill
---
So lately I've been talking and thinking about the future, the way that young people usually do. Within my friend group, I feel like there is so much potential and so many opportunities and I can't wait to see my friends succeed. Imagining where we'll be 10 years from now is such a trip. I want to see everyone grow up and fulfill their dreams.
Because now we actually CAN chase our dreams. As C and I wound around darkening roads last night, we talked about growing up and realizing that you can actually go after what you want. As children, there were always things that we desired, but we didn't have the means to go about and acquire them. As we grow up freedom is handed to us, through licenses, keys, connections, jobs, skills...etc. The only thing we have to do is actually utilize what we have to get what we want. That's growing up, I guess. Having less restrictions and being more able to get to where you want to be.
But restrictions will always exist...and lately, it seems that they especially like to exist in my life, at least at home. There's so much that I want to do but when I'm at home, my life gets smaller. I have a curfew, and I have to ask permission, and I am dependent. It's nice to "marinate" and relax I guess, but I'm in an ambitious sort of mood, so sitting at home just frustrates me.
Right now I just can't wait to escape. The family trip coming up is definitely something I'm looking forward to, I love travel and I know this trip will provide me some sights and sounds that will give me a lot to think about. Even more though, I want to be back at Irvine. Being home has made me realize how much more I can DO in Irvine, and all the opportunities I need to take advantage of. So I want to be there while I'm still in this "get things done" mood.
I'm gettin' higher
I feel it in my sleep
I said I'm gettin' higher
And closer to my dreams
Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on
Closer to my dreams
-Closer, Drake ft. Andreena Mill
---
So lately I've been talking and thinking about the future, the way that young people usually do. Within my friend group, I feel like there is so much potential and so many opportunities and I can't wait to see my friends succeed. Imagining where we'll be 10 years from now is such a trip. I want to see everyone grow up and fulfill their dreams.
Because now we actually CAN chase our dreams. As C and I wound around darkening roads last night, we talked about growing up and realizing that you can actually go after what you want. As children, there were always things that we desired, but we didn't have the means to go about and acquire them. As we grow up freedom is handed to us, through licenses, keys, connections, jobs, skills...etc. The only thing we have to do is actually utilize what we have to get what we want. That's growing up, I guess. Having less restrictions and being more able to get to where you want to be.
But restrictions will always exist...and lately, it seems that they especially like to exist in my life, at least at home. There's so much that I want to do but when I'm at home, my life gets smaller. I have a curfew, and I have to ask permission, and I am dependent. It's nice to "marinate" and relax I guess, but I'm in an ambitious sort of mood, so sitting at home just frustrates me.
Right now I just can't wait to escape. The family trip coming up is definitely something I'm looking forward to, I love travel and I know this trip will provide me some sights and sounds that will give me a lot to think about. Even more though, I want to be back at Irvine. Being home has made me realize how much more I can DO in Irvine, and all the opportunities I need to take advantage of. So I want to be there while I'm still in this "get things done" mood.
8.04.2009
swing swing
Something about swinging is so calming for me. Maybe it's the combination of good company and good conversation, set under a real blue summer night's sky pierced with stars and a glowing moon. I love the park after dark, it's a little more haunting and less innocent than by the light of day.
Today was a typical summer day followed by a typical summer night. I spent the day sitting around, trying to be productive but half-assing it. And then I started feeling bad for never getting things done while people around me are chasing their dreams. So I resolved to have no more of these type of days. They occur too often, and more and more, they expose the fact that it is only me standing in my own way. Why am I stopping myself?
Baby steps, I guess. I did accomplish a little bit today. Very slowly started on the route to (FINALLY!!!) getting my license, with a little help from T. I also researched the study abroad program that I hope to be participating in next summer. Six to seven weeks in France sounds like a dream come true. I'm looking forward to making this trip happen. I really can't wait to get back to Irvine and start setting the wheels in motion.
I think the trouble I have is thinking for the present. I'm so obsessed with the future and the goals, but I don't really think about the steps leading up to it. Simultaneously I analyze the past and reflect upon what HAS happened instead of what IS happening. How do I take these thoughts on the past/future and translate them into my present? If I find this out, I think I'll be a lot happier with who I am.
Jason Mraz's blog led me to a name-analyzing website today. For the most part it was pretty accurate, especially the part about being independent and striving to have experiences. And the interest waning quickly...and even the frustration/rebelliousness was pretty on point. And here's the punch: "Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation."
A restless intensity? I guess I can relate. So will relaxation be denied to me for the rest of my lifetime? Something to think about. Interesting site.
Today was a typical summer day followed by a typical summer night. I spent the day sitting around, trying to be productive but half-assing it. And then I started feeling bad for never getting things done while people around me are chasing their dreams. So I resolved to have no more of these type of days. They occur too often, and more and more, they expose the fact that it is only me standing in my own way. Why am I stopping myself?
Baby steps, I guess. I did accomplish a little bit today. Very slowly started on the route to (FINALLY!!!) getting my license, with a little help from T. I also researched the study abroad program that I hope to be participating in next summer. Six to seven weeks in France sounds like a dream come true. I'm looking forward to making this trip happen. I really can't wait to get back to Irvine and start setting the wheels in motion.
I think the trouble I have is thinking for the present. I'm so obsessed with the future and the goals, but I don't really think about the steps leading up to it. Simultaneously I analyze the past and reflect upon what HAS happened instead of what IS happening. How do I take these thoughts on the past/future and translate them into my present? If I find this out, I think I'll be a lot happier with who I am.
Jason Mraz's blog led me to a name-analyzing website today. For the most part it was pretty accurate, especially the part about being independent and striving to have experiences. And the interest waning quickly...and even the frustration/rebelliousness was pretty on point. And here's the punch: "Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation."
A restless intensity? I guess I can relate. So will relaxation be denied to me for the rest of my lifetime? Something to think about. Interesting site.
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