Growth

I can't honestly say that summer is "flying by" or simply "dragging along". It seems to be moving at a reasonable pace, probably because my days are comfortably filled with things I enjoy doing and my list of goals to accomplish by summers end continues to grow. I've always liked knowing that there is something else to do; an empty summer stretching out before me threatens depression and lack of motivation to get out and get moving.

So what I strive for this summer is to not make the mistakes I've committed in previous years. I've always had periods of time where I shut myself in and try to force myself into some state of self-realization. It's always at times when I don't have things like school and a busy work schedule to distract me, times like winter break and the ever desirable summer vacation. Maybe it's because I'm spending all of this time with myself and learning more about myself and my desires with every coming day. In the past I've tried to force this knowledge and deeper understanding, not realizing that this can only come with time, as cliche as it may sound.

Thus I've rather appropriately made my goal for this summer to be to learn to be patient. I want to learn how to wait for things and realize that what I deserve will come along down the road eventually. I want to learn to appreciate the present view without longing for the blurry image of the future to sharpen and focus. Because how can you truly love and respect what it is you have at this moment if you are constantly looking forward, waiting for something even better to come along? The way I see it, everything I have right now is the best that it ever will be, and if something even better comes along, then I'll just have learned that the world is indeed a marvelous place chock full of pleasant surprises.

I realize that yes, I am in an incredibly optimistic mood. Two weeks into summer, what more do you expect from me? I'm looking forward to this time to strengthen friendships and delve deeper into figuring out what truly puts me into this rather euphoric state of mind. I want to be almost recklessly myself, because I fear that in the past I have been too timid and afraid to demand what it is that I know will make me happy. After all, you only get the respect that you demand, so maybe this famous line applies to happiness as well?

What else about this summer is so promising for me? The realization that this is the final chapter of a trapped life. Perhaps I exaggerate a bit too much, I do have a certain amount of freedom and I have to admit that I am much better off than some. But I look around myself now and it is the same four walls encasing me within this house that I am beginning to call a home (disregarding the terrible timing altogether), the same untidy scenery, the same clutter that seems to accumulate at my hands far too quickly. I can not wait to finally hold the reigns and to be in control of my direct environment; I feel that college will offer me this opportunity to prove myself as an independent being.

And calling this life a "trapped" one may also be too dramatic. I've been growing more fond of this place that I call home, which is saddening, seeing as my days are numbered here. Today was an exceptionally good day within the Sutjahjo household, I accompanied my parents to the library and watched a movie and had dinner with them. I went driving with my dad. I complimented my mother's cooking. I guess today was a very small and peaceful day, but it's the little things like this that accumulate and make me realize how truly lucky and very blessed I am. These days also make me sorry that I wasted time being glum and moody in the past. But I'm hoping I can at least balance that out this summer. I spent a lot of time reading today, and I realized how much of a bookworm I am. I can get shut inside of a book with the spell of words spinning around me, and I unwilling to be freed from that imaginary place that is such an easy escape for me. Books hold such an attractive allure that I have avoided far too long, and I can't wait to read anything I can get a hold of!

This post is going all over the place! But there is one simple thing that I want to state before I wrap up: I am happy. I hope it continues like this for a long time, because I have much that I look forward to and I want to be happy enough to be able to appreciate it and realize what gifts I have at my fingertips.