HERE! Yay.
Bug bite count: 2. Although I feel like they should count for 2 each because they've swollen to pretty incredible size.
Sigh, internet time is limited. And I finished reading Running With Scissors. C was right, WEIRD...but hilarious.
8.20.2009
8.17.2009
more looking back
2007 was a great year.
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
looking back
If you could re-do the past year, would you?
---
A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.
When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.
Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.
There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.
I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?
I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.
---
A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.
When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.
Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.
There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.
I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?
I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.
8.16.2009
simplify
I'm back from a weekend camping adventure at Lake Sonoma with the crew, unfortunately missing a few people. One camping thread and much stress on a certain vicious (but well-loved) camp director's part later and we were at campsites #95 and #96, grilling burgers, spewing profanities at bees, and getting gloriously filthy.
It was actually really nice to not have to worry about anything, including hygiene. That may sound disgusting now, but showers were not really a main priority, because you know that your neighbor stinks just as much as you do. It's a combination of campsite dust, sunblock, and sweat...and then maybe throw in some lingering scent of portapotty and lake water. Delicious.
Seriously though, the entire time I was there, I was hardly thinking (except when B and T brought up interesting topics) and mostly just enjoying every moment. I wasn't thinking about school, or all the things I had to do. I didn't think about people I miss in Irvine and I wasn't meticulously planning out my fall quarter. I wasn't belittling myself for failing to acquire an internship like my friend had, and I wasn't constantly reminding myself to make things happen. I was just be-ing, and it was refreshingly simple and nice.
Even when I'm at home, I plan things constantly. I am a list-maker and I plot out time frames in my mind, which I realize is an exceedingly stressful instinct. I plan when I shower, I plan what I am going to eat, I plan what I will wear, the list goes on. There's just too much to think of. Then there's the added stress of parentals and sibling and the expectations that they bring you. But when we were all camping, there wasn't really much to stress about. Plenty of delicious food, plenty of good company. And that is all I need to keep me content.
Turning off my phone was such a relief as well. I will admit that I am pretty attached to my cellular device here in the real world, and it is something that I both love and hate. I love it because it lets me get in contact with the people I like best, but I hate it because it means I'm always accessible and a text message could throw my pre-planned day wildly off course. Sometimes my phone brings me things that are not best for me. Plus my phone's presence by my side just makes me feel like I'm waiting for something. Expecting a text message or phone call from a friend, when in reality, the phone should be something I glance at once every couple hours instead of however often I actually do toy with it (which is embarrassingly frequent).
I could argue that I just check the time on my phone very often...which is another thing I liked about camping. I never really knew what time it was. We got back to an animalistic stage, I guess you could say. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired, and got up when the sun came out. "What time is it?" we asked each other, bleary eyed, as we stumbled out of our tents. Nobody really knew...and then I realized it was of the least significance. Life became so much more simple and pleasant.
It was pleasant too, to sit and read for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I really read for pleasure in chunks of time like this. I devoured my book, 200+ pages in about two days, reading on and off whenever I could. Most of the time when I read, I just read pages at a time and then get distracted by something else (namely technology, damn you). It was so nice to just sit, attempt to forget about the sweltering heat and obnoxious bees, and disappear into someone else's fictional life.
Now that I'm back in civilization I've decided to be less attached to these devices that steal simplicity and pleasure away from my life. But it's a tough routine to change, because here I am, listening to Drake on my iPod, typing furiously away on my laptop (with twitter, facebook, gmail, AIM, and my blog open), with my phone not three inches away. And where is the book that was such a great companion to me all weekend? It lies lonely and unfinished in my bedroom, where I dropped it after I got home.
I suppose the trip was just that -- a trip. We can't always escape the negatives of technology and modern life, but it was a nice reminder to me to retreat into simple times whenever I can. It was a weekend well-spent, with much loved friends and fun times I won't forget anytime soon.
Aside from the camaraderie, I already miss the night sky. I miss seeing the Milky Way and the millions of stars, and I miss hoping that I'll look up at exactly the right time and catch a shooting star in it's short-lived trip across the sky. Seeing that huge darkness and all the stars reminds you of how small you are, and it's reassuring in a way.
I guess I just need to bring camping philosophy into my everyday civilian life. Simplify, retreat, have fun, remember your insignificance every once in a while. Wear plenty of sunblock. Oh, and bring band-aids.
It was actually really nice to not have to worry about anything, including hygiene. That may sound disgusting now, but showers were not really a main priority, because you know that your neighbor stinks just as much as you do. It's a combination of campsite dust, sunblock, and sweat...and then maybe throw in some lingering scent of portapotty and lake water. Delicious.
Seriously though, the entire time I was there, I was hardly thinking (except when B and T brought up interesting topics) and mostly just enjoying every moment. I wasn't thinking about school, or all the things I had to do. I didn't think about people I miss in Irvine and I wasn't meticulously planning out my fall quarter. I wasn't belittling myself for failing to acquire an internship like my friend had, and I wasn't constantly reminding myself to make things happen. I was just be-ing, and it was refreshingly simple and nice.
Even when I'm at home, I plan things constantly. I am a list-maker and I plot out time frames in my mind, which I realize is an exceedingly stressful instinct. I plan when I shower, I plan what I am going to eat, I plan what I will wear, the list goes on. There's just too much to think of. Then there's the added stress of parentals and sibling and the expectations that they bring you. But when we were all camping, there wasn't really much to stress about. Plenty of delicious food, plenty of good company. And that is all I need to keep me content.
Turning off my phone was such a relief as well. I will admit that I am pretty attached to my cellular device here in the real world, and it is something that I both love and hate. I love it because it lets me get in contact with the people I like best, but I hate it because it means I'm always accessible and a text message could throw my pre-planned day wildly off course. Sometimes my phone brings me things that are not best for me. Plus my phone's presence by my side just makes me feel like I'm waiting for something. Expecting a text message or phone call from a friend, when in reality, the phone should be something I glance at once every couple hours instead of however often I actually do toy with it (which is embarrassingly frequent).
I could argue that I just check the time on my phone very often...which is another thing I liked about camping. I never really knew what time it was. We got back to an animalistic stage, I guess you could say. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired, and got up when the sun came out. "What time is it?" we asked each other, bleary eyed, as we stumbled out of our tents. Nobody really knew...and then I realized it was of the least significance. Life became so much more simple and pleasant.
It was pleasant too, to sit and read for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I really read for pleasure in chunks of time like this. I devoured my book, 200+ pages in about two days, reading on and off whenever I could. Most of the time when I read, I just read pages at a time and then get distracted by something else (namely technology, damn you). It was so nice to just sit, attempt to forget about the sweltering heat and obnoxious bees, and disappear into someone else's fictional life.
Now that I'm back in civilization I've decided to be less attached to these devices that steal simplicity and pleasure away from my life. But it's a tough routine to change, because here I am, listening to Drake on my iPod, typing furiously away on my laptop (with twitter, facebook, gmail, AIM, and my blog open), with my phone not three inches away. And where is the book that was such a great companion to me all weekend? It lies lonely and unfinished in my bedroom, where I dropped it after I got home.
I suppose the trip was just that -- a trip. We can't always escape the negatives of technology and modern life, but it was a nice reminder to me to retreat into simple times whenever I can. It was a weekend well-spent, with much loved friends and fun times I won't forget anytime soon.
Aside from the camaraderie, I already miss the night sky. I miss seeing the Milky Way and the millions of stars, and I miss hoping that I'll look up at exactly the right time and catch a shooting star in it's short-lived trip across the sky. Seeing that huge darkness and all the stars reminds you of how small you are, and it's reassuring in a way.
I guess I just need to bring camping philosophy into my everyday civilian life. Simplify, retreat, have fun, remember your insignificance every once in a while. Wear plenty of sunblock. Oh, and bring band-aids.
8.12.2009
friends
How do you know if you are friends with someone?
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.
Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?
I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.
I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.
More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.
I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.
Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?
I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.
I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.
More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.
I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:
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