Today was marked by the moments in between, sun in my eyes and the grass so green. Sandwiched between the last lost hour of class and a little crushed dream, I watched the cloudless sky and a dark bug zip by and I wondered about life, about love, the hows and whys. When do we just know, how do we know, what do we know? And what do we deserve? And how can we see, from the outside looking in, what is a facade and what's genuine? There's nothing like experience and we can only have our own, so here's to you and yours. I just know, some are meant to love and some are not, it's not a basic human right. It's another acceptance process and we can be sad or happy about it but it all boils down to the only changing factor, which is you. The only thing to change is you. Change your mind, your expectations, and change the world around you. Fast forward past rejection and some errands and I'm in my favorite sandwich shop, gazing at the people passing by and wondering, again, why. I'm alone here, me, but there's no where and no one else I'd rather be. So I'll live slowly and recognize that things just happen, or they don't. But that bug in the sun and this sandwich on my my tongue made my day what it happened to be -- perfect for me, just what I need.
---
Oh, today. So I faced rejection today, but to be honest I'm not too disappointed. Congratulations SPOP 2010!
To be honest I didn't really expect to get it; I guess in my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't because I felt that I had taken my share from what I applied for. I got Alternative Spring Break, discussion leader, and Campus Rep. And I'm thrilled about all three, and so excited to be a part of all three. I guess I wanted SPOP to be the cherry on top of my sundae but I can't have it all. Plus I don't really like cherries, anyway.
Like T said, it gives other people an opportunity to grow. My growth is gonna happen in Campus Rep and everything else and I'm so thrilled to be granted those opportunities, so I shan't be greedy. There's always next year and if it wasn't meant to happen this year then it just wasn't.
Not to say I wasn't disappointed, because I was, of course. But at the same time I feel selfish being disappointed because I'm so lucky to have what I have.
Anyway, this was not meant to be a post about how I feel about not getting SPOP.
Today was overall a good day. I think I'm lost in this cloud of apathy just because I've been so sleep-deprived and stressed lately. But from this cloud I managed to pull out a few strands of good moments. I sat in the park for a while and contemplated life and love with M, wandered about campus finding good company, had a spring break meeting, then went grocery shopping (such a luxury) and ate a sandwich at Le Dip by myself. I really liked eating alone, it was just what I needed after a mess of a week.
And. I'm in the works to switch schools in the spring. Pretty sure I'm going to be majoring in Anthropology, HOLLER! I'm happy with this. I'm not enough of a go-getter to succeed at journalism, and though I love writing, I don't think I'm the right personality type to major in it. I could see myself hating it as time wore on with forced assignments and everything. I like the relationship I have with writing now, and I think it's something I can cultivate without the stress of majoring in it. Also I get to let go of French which is a GREAT relief.
I feel in-between in everything. Waiting for the winter to end and on the brink of the spring. Newly initiated, not fully active. Leaving Humanities and entering Social Sciences. Just caught in-between. The awkward lull of anticipation and wondering what it'll be like when I experience it. All I can do is wait. Wait and respect the process and appreciate that everything happens and everything is perfect just the way it is.
Showing posts with label fluvial conversations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fluvial conversations. Show all posts
3.12.2010
3.09.2010
thinks i think
I got campus rep today. (: Still a little part of me wonders whether it was completely based on merit or whether it was a matter of knowing the right people. Maybe a combination of both? Hopefully more heavily weighed on merit? Either way, I'm really excited to prove myself and dive headfirst into this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted.
I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!
---
I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.
---
I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.
I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.
But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.
I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.
But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.
But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.
It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.
---
R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?
---
So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.
I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!
---
I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.
---
I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.
I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.
But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.
I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.
But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.
But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.
It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.
---
R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?
---
So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.
12.03.2009
ebert & roeper style
Two thumbs up to magazine arrivals in the mail. Taylor on the cover of InStyle, Blake on the cover of Nylon, and SJP (iffffy, but okay) on the cover of Elle? I am QUITE satisfied.
One thumb up to mushroom/spinach/cheese quesadillas. My vegetarianism continues successfully......but yes I am feenin for an in-n-out burger or some kbbq. SIGH.
Two thumbs up to the strengthening of the Nexxus of Spite.
Two thumbs up to me dragging my sleepy ass out of bed at 9:15, 45 minutes later than usual, and still managing to make it to class on time, even though I looked like I fell down the rabbit hole. Can this get three thumbs up actually? I'm really proud of myself.
One thumb up to having great conversations/super chill visits with friends I click-click-click with. Insight, injuries, laughter and discussion galore...but only one thumb up because I intended to stay for an hour and ended up staying for three.
Two thumbs up for people I can be weird around. People who enjoy my cross-eyed dinosaur faces and my french-fry lovin habits. My fondness for weirdness GROWS AND GROWS. From anthro: "anthropology teaches us that people do weird things but they don't do them randomly. They have their reasons...their behavior follows a pattern. It has an internal logic." ...two big thumbs up for internal logic. heh.
One thumb up to John Mayer's CD, Battle Studies. And for actually downloading off the music thread in general, YAY.
No thumbs up to my final tomorrow. Actually one thumb up cause I really DGAF about this class (hah, future major maybe) and plus it's just another one to get through.
Two thumbs up to DISNEYLAND THIS FRIDAY!!! PLUS a Disneyland pass?!? PLEASE let this work.....I'm getting my other digits involved into this bullet point and crossing all my fingers.
No thumbs up to everyone and their dog being sick, even my friend's computer got a virus (ha, ha, ha......)
One thumb up to plans for baking cupcakes next Wednesday: planning on trying out recipes for gingerbread cupcakes or peppermint cupcakes or something holiday-like...
One thumb up to crafty creative thoughts about gift-wrapping and gift-purchasing and wishlists. Only one thumb because I have not the bank account to afford to wrap my gifts so lavishly or even purchase the items I wish I could for the dear ones in my life.
No thumbs up to discovering that UCI = high school, sans parents.
One thumb up to endless apricot blossom green tea addiction. This would get two thumbs up except for the fact that it swellllls my bladder and makes me pee in public restrooms, which I HATE.
No thumbs up to my messy messy room, you can hardly see the floor. And my laundry awaits.
No thumbs up to SHITTT it's 2:00 time to actually get work done......bye.
11.11.2009
who we are is simply who we can be
Really? Really, is this identity crisis still going on? I'm dragging it out, maybe intentionally, forcing myself into this dark little hole and hoping to figure out whether or not I can emerge as a put-together butterfly or just stumble out and be the awkward little caterpillar.
I realize I have a hard time being myself. There are very few people that I am truly comfortable around, and even with that, I'm only really truly 100% comfortable around well, myself. When I'm alone and undisturbed. I suppose that's true for everyone...it's just that my public persona and private persona tend to differ so much that I find it hard to balance and still be comfortable when I'm around people. This is hardly making sense, even to me.
I had a nice Veterans' day -- C, M, and I ventured to Costa Mesa and checked out a revolving sushi restaurant. Can I just say that I am officially a huge fan of revolving sushi? Those little plates of 2-3 bucks a pop are rather deceiving though, I ended up spending around $20 including tax and tip so it's NOT THAT CHEAP. No judgement please. But definitely intending to visit much more often, maybe once I save some money.
Over Godzilla rolls and other various DELCIOUS sushi morsels, we talked about what's going on in our lives -- new love interests, old love interests, nonexistant love interests (that was me, lol). C seems like a really wise person. She said that some couples didn't know how to be friends, because they start off on a romantic note instead of basing their relationship off of friendship. It seems like it makes sense to me, although I'm sure it's not always the case.
But that got me thinking. How do we know how to be friends at all? With anyone? Is there some sort of unknown recognition when you look someone in the eyes and realize that you're embarking upon a journey towards getting to know them better, and getting to be comfortable around them? Is there some moment when you subconsciously decide that you are "friends" and then just continue on that way?
For me friendship is an acceptance of one anothers quirks. A knowledge of it, maybe even an expectation of it. And you like the person's weirdness enough to want to hang around a little bit and watch this personality play out and interact with yours.
Tough cookies, though. We can't have quirk resumes and list the little things about us as a person that sets us apart. You can't go around asking people to list off the top of their head the things that make them weird and different from everyone else. Hell, if someone asked me what sets me apart, I would have no effing clue. Blank stare.
I think this goes with my weird comfort thing. It takes me a (really?) long time to get comfortable around someone and start being able to be myself. Usually, I feel that I am just awkward and fake and censored and boring and uncomfortable, among a slew of other MLEHh adjectives. It's because I don't want to offend or alienate, right from the start. Maybe I'm a perennial people-pleaser and just try to make everyone happy and make everyone like me and make everyone think I'm funny, or something. Dammit, am I that insecure?? (Answer: probably.) But seriously, how are they going to know the real me if the person I introduce myself as is often a far throw from the person that I am when I'm comfortable?
So I realize...I need to stop being afraid of stepping on toes. Like M, just to be as YOU as possible and disregard how weird you come off to the other person. Yes, send them LOLCATS bumper stickers even if you met them just a couple days before. Yes, tell them that you just texted them from the toilet. And yes, tell them honestly what is going through your mind at that very moment. And like H said so long ago, who the fuck cares if they don't like you?
That's my goal for this week, I suppose. Being more honest to who I am...aka being the weird person that I can be. When I'm weird it's probably cause I'm just going with my brainwaves. I need to stop second guessing myself and my actions and just go with it, stop holding myself back for fear of losing some. You'll never have them all.
But then again, right now I just feel like the most mundane and boring sack of human to ever walk the face of this earth.
Also it has been brought to my attention that people are surprised to find out that I'm smart. Smart relative to what, I don't know, but it takes a midterm grade or an SAT score to get them to double back and say "Whoa. You're smart?"
Which leaves me with my awkward face on. Heh...no...modest shrug, change topic. But yeah, do I come across as an idiot or something? Is it really surprising to these people that I can be this girl who makes corny jokes and laughs at anything, but also get good grades and be a litttttle book smart? It seems like nobody is giving me this chance to show them my 3-d self. Face value = Chery likes to eat, can make people laugh, etc, boring boring boring.
It makes me wonder about how people think of each other. Being me, I have unusually high expectations for...well...everyone I meet, basically. I know it's stupid. But it's like innocent until proven guilty -- you are smart and funny and interesting until you prove to me that you're some airheaded dumbass douchebag with a lousy sense of humor. Also I realize I tend to wait for people to prove me wrong, and I linger as I try to watch personalities appear.
I feel like I'm starting to sound really creepy and weird. HAHA...I'm just a people watcher I guess. People have always interested me, and now I might even minor in anthropology. As of right now though, I have to study the currents and wind patterns of planet Earth. JOY TO THE WORLD.
I realize I have a hard time being myself. There are very few people that I am truly comfortable around, and even with that, I'm only really truly 100% comfortable around well, myself. When I'm alone and undisturbed. I suppose that's true for everyone...it's just that my public persona and private persona tend to differ so much that I find it hard to balance and still be comfortable when I'm around people. This is hardly making sense, even to me.
I had a nice Veterans' day -- C, M, and I ventured to Costa Mesa and checked out a revolving sushi restaurant. Can I just say that I am officially a huge fan of revolving sushi? Those little plates of 2-3 bucks a pop are rather deceiving though, I ended up spending around $20 including tax and tip so it's NOT THAT CHEAP. No judgement please. But definitely intending to visit much more often, maybe once I save some money.
Over Godzilla rolls and other various DELCIOUS sushi morsels, we talked about what's going on in our lives -- new love interests, old love interests, nonexistant love interests (that was me, lol). C seems like a really wise person. She said that some couples didn't know how to be friends, because they start off on a romantic note instead of basing their relationship off of friendship. It seems like it makes sense to me, although I'm sure it's not always the case.
But that got me thinking. How do we know how to be friends at all? With anyone? Is there some sort of unknown recognition when you look someone in the eyes and realize that you're embarking upon a journey towards getting to know them better, and getting to be comfortable around them? Is there some moment when you subconsciously decide that you are "friends" and then just continue on that way?
For me friendship is an acceptance of one anothers quirks. A knowledge of it, maybe even an expectation of it. And you like the person's weirdness enough to want to hang around a little bit and watch this personality play out and interact with yours.
Tough cookies, though. We can't have quirk resumes and list the little things about us as a person that sets us apart. You can't go around asking people to list off the top of their head the things that make them weird and different from everyone else. Hell, if someone asked me what sets me apart, I would have no effing clue. Blank stare.
I think this goes with my weird comfort thing. It takes me a (really?) long time to get comfortable around someone and start being able to be myself. Usually, I feel that I am just awkward and fake and censored and boring and uncomfortable, among a slew of other MLEHh adjectives. It's because I don't want to offend or alienate, right from the start. Maybe I'm a perennial people-pleaser and just try to make everyone happy and make everyone like me and make everyone think I'm funny, or something. Dammit, am I that insecure?? (Answer: probably.) But seriously, how are they going to know the real me if the person I introduce myself as is often a far throw from the person that I am when I'm comfortable?
So I realize...I need to stop being afraid of stepping on toes. Like M, just to be as YOU as possible and disregard how weird you come off to the other person. Yes, send them LOLCATS bumper stickers even if you met them just a couple days before. Yes, tell them that you just texted them from the toilet. And yes, tell them honestly what is going through your mind at that very moment. And like H said so long ago, who the fuck cares if they don't like you?
That's my goal for this week, I suppose. Being more honest to who I am...aka being the weird person that I can be. When I'm weird it's probably cause I'm just going with my brainwaves. I need to stop second guessing myself and my actions and just go with it, stop holding myself back for fear of losing some. You'll never have them all.
But then again, right now I just feel like the most mundane and boring sack of human to ever walk the face of this earth.
Also it has been brought to my attention that people are surprised to find out that I'm smart. Smart relative to what, I don't know, but it takes a midterm grade or an SAT score to get them to double back and say "Whoa. You're smart?"
Which leaves me with my awkward face on. Heh...no...modest shrug, change topic. But yeah, do I come across as an idiot or something? Is it really surprising to these people that I can be this girl who makes corny jokes and laughs at anything, but also get good grades and be a litttttle book smart? It seems like nobody is giving me this chance to show them my 3-d self. Face value = Chery likes to eat, can make people laugh, etc, boring boring boring.
It makes me wonder about how people think of each other. Being me, I have unusually high expectations for...well...everyone I meet, basically. I know it's stupid. But it's like innocent until proven guilty -- you are smart and funny and interesting until you prove to me that you're some airheaded dumbass douchebag with a lousy sense of humor. Also I realize I tend to wait for people to prove me wrong, and I linger as I try to watch personalities appear.
I feel like I'm starting to sound really creepy and weird. HAHA...I'm just a people watcher I guess. People have always interested me, and now I might even minor in anthropology. As of right now though, I have to study the currents and wind patterns of planet Earth. JOY TO THE WORLD.
10.19.2009
identity
I feel as though I don't know my own identity, but others seem to.
Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)
I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.
But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.
Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.
Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.
Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.
He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)
Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.
Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.
So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.
Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.
After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.
I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).
SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?
Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.
Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.
So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.
The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.
I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.
So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.
Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?
I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.
So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.
But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.
I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.
"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."
NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.
Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.
Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.
On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."
I was pretty thrilled.
Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)
I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.
But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.
Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.
Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.
Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.
He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)
Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.
Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.
So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.
Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.
After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.
I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).
SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?
Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.
Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.
So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.
The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.
I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.
So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.
Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?
I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.
So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.
But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.
I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.
"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."
NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.
Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.
Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.
On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."
I was pretty thrilled.
10.11.2009
your mind is rather reckless
Jason Mraz concert last night! (:
It started off on a disappointing note. They played a video basically advertising the Gratitude Cafe and, I felt that he was forcing his beliefs on us, the audience... it felt kind of preachy. Mraz has turned into a hypnotic hippie, au-natural musician, zen-god of some sort. His music has definitely changed but it's a change that I embrace and enjoy. However when he tries to spread his influence through informational documentary-esque videos rather than through his music...well, needless to say, I object.
Anyway, the amazing part of the concert came soon enough. He played some old favorites, we sing/dance/steal things songs, as well as some new songs that I haven't heard before (What Would Love Do Now). By far my favorite songs were A Beautiful Mess and You & I Both...because, well, they're my favorite songs. His voice is so amazing live. Three times for Mraz, more coming for sure.
Other favorite moments:
-speaking French (:
-he sang part of Lucky in Spanish...swoon.
"Anything you want can be yours at any time."
He got his message across without any help from that useless video. I don't know... there's something of a freedom in what he sings about and what he conveys.
---
On another note... I don't know what to make of the dreams I keep having. Have you ever had a recurring dream? Or in this case, a recurring dream figure? I can't understand this discrepancy between waking and dreaming, and the sharp switch from sleep to wake rattles me every morning, and I think it's the cause for me waking up glum and ill at ease.
Maybe I'm taking these dreams too seriously, but I've always been a strong believer that dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something that your conscious decides to ignore. I've always looked up symbols and remembered my dreams and pondered over them, wondering what my waking self is missing that my dreaming self knows so well. I always take vivid dreams as wake-up calls...which is kind of ironic, I guess. Should I stop taking my dreams so seriously? Are they merely fantastical, convoluted imagery connected by a confused and over-worked waking mind? Or are they really...actually, substantial?
---
Today, in concert hangover tradition, has been spent lazily and Mrazily. It's almost 1, I want to go back in bed, read a magazine, listen to my LOVAH, forget the world exists. Today I want my room and nothing else...maybe a cookie. Some nice company would be nice later on too.
J and I talked last night about college friends and home friends. It was nice to hear that someone is feeling how I am feeling, and thinking the thoughts that I am thinking. At school, everyone is in it for themselves. I think I need to work on remembering this more.
Duties await. Til next time...which will probably be very very soon. Is October my blog-frenzy month or something???
<3
It started off on a disappointing note. They played a video basically advertising the Gratitude Cafe and, I felt that he was forcing his beliefs on us, the audience... it felt kind of preachy. Mraz has turned into a hypnotic hippie, au-natural musician, zen-god of some sort. His music has definitely changed but it's a change that I embrace and enjoy. However when he tries to spread his influence through informational documentary-esque videos rather than through his music...well, needless to say, I object.
Anyway, the amazing part of the concert came soon enough. He played some old favorites, we sing/dance/steal things songs, as well as some new songs that I haven't heard before (What Would Love Do Now). By far my favorite songs were A Beautiful Mess and You & I Both...because, well, they're my favorite songs. His voice is so amazing live. Three times for Mraz, more coming for sure.
Other favorite moments:
-speaking French (:
-he sang part of Lucky in Spanish...swoon.
"Anything you want can be yours at any time."
He got his message across without any help from that useless video. I don't know... there's something of a freedom in what he sings about and what he conveys.
---
On another note... I don't know what to make of the dreams I keep having. Have you ever had a recurring dream? Or in this case, a recurring dream figure? I can't understand this discrepancy between waking and dreaming, and the sharp switch from sleep to wake rattles me every morning, and I think it's the cause for me waking up glum and ill at ease.
Maybe I'm taking these dreams too seriously, but I've always been a strong believer that dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something that your conscious decides to ignore. I've always looked up symbols and remembered my dreams and pondered over them, wondering what my waking self is missing that my dreaming self knows so well. I always take vivid dreams as wake-up calls...which is kind of ironic, I guess. Should I stop taking my dreams so seriously? Are they merely fantastical, convoluted imagery connected by a confused and over-worked waking mind? Or are they really...actually, substantial?
---
Today, in concert hangover tradition, has been spent lazily and Mrazily. It's almost 1, I want to go back in bed, read a magazine, listen to my LOVAH, forget the world exists. Today I want my room and nothing else...maybe a cookie. Some nice company would be nice later on too.
J and I talked last night about college friends and home friends. It was nice to hear that someone is feeling how I am feeling, and thinking the thoughts that I am thinking. At school, everyone is in it for themselves. I think I need to work on remembering this more.
Duties await. Til next time...which will probably be very very soon. Is October my blog-frenzy month or something???
<3
8.17.2009
more looking back
2007 was a great year.
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
8.12.2009
friends
How do you know if you are friends with someone?
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.
Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?
I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.
I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.
More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.
I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.
Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?
I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.
I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.
More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.
I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:
7.27.2009
easy breezy
Today was the last day in SoCal for a while...surprise, coming home a little early! Somehow though, once I dream of leaving, people conjure up reasons to make me stay...birthday parties, beach trips, pool parties (with cabanas!!), social activities galore, all which I THRIVE upon! Too bad my NorCal love affair must resume...I've been away too long and all I really want to do is sit in Meher's garage. Haha, holla!
Anyway, today was an easy-peasy breezy kind of day. I went wherever the wind blew me...well, I went the way the wind was coming from, because I like the wind blowing in my hair that way. I was talking about this with a friend, you look so much better when you're going against the wind than when you're going with it. PARALLEL FOR LIFE, MUCH??? WOW! Moving on.
I had work early in the morning and although it was quite a drag, it was over soon enough. I ran into my ex-RA and we planned a lunch date for a few hours in the future, so I rushed myself home and soon found myself at BCD with Norby & Mo. It was quite the cute catchup, nothing else to say! Then from there I went to Mo's and lazed around for a while, which I am very good at. We went to Newport Beach around 4:30 and chilled in the delicious ocean breeze for a while.
I met someone so funny at the beach. She's HILARIOUS -- a one-woman show. So funny and charismatic and shamelessly herself. She's one of those people I admire and wish to be more like. This might sound kind of creepy. But she's hilarrrrious! I love being around people like that. But at the same time I feel so boring and unsubstantial around her type.
We ended up back at Mo's place after the beach, had a little dinner, had a little fun...and now I'm back at my place, neglecting my packing as I knew I would. Plenty of time for that later!
Something that has come to my attention lately: my wants and actions are quite contradictory. Or rather, my actions do not lead directly to my wants. Instead they twist and tangle, with my intentions only living in my head and not in spoken word. I think I fear getting in people's way, I don't want to leave a "pushy" impression, thus I shy from asking for what I want.
Exhibit A: Last night my time of the month cravings begged for Salsa Verde. My friend told me he would take me to Albertsons but forgot and went without me...Mo insisted on him taking us anyway, and he obliged, but I steadfastly said NO even though my stomach was screaming the opposite. So is this pushover status or a desire to not get in people's way?
And if I don't get in people's ways once in a while, doesn't that mean I'll just be soon forgotten? I feel like I don't leave a lasting impression; I'll be there when you want me but I won't force myself into your life. Easily ignored?
Exhibit B: Some of you may know about my youtube friend. SIGH, I want my T-shirt back...like desperately. But I feel like I'm being naggy and annoying, which I absolutely HATE in others so I'm being less persistent than I would usually be. Is this a pathetic surrender or a polite step back?
ANNNND....there, I hit it. I'm over thinking. Excellent. I will just sit here in my lens-less 3-D glasses (!!!) and continue to ponder the reasons for my lackluster living and ignore my gaping suitcase.
T-minus 12 hours until I'm aboard the beloved Vietnamese bus! Off to do other things to take up time.
Anyway, today was an easy-peasy breezy kind of day. I went wherever the wind blew me...well, I went the way the wind was coming from, because I like the wind blowing in my hair that way. I was talking about this with a friend, you look so much better when you're going against the wind than when you're going with it. PARALLEL FOR LIFE, MUCH??? WOW! Moving on.
I had work early in the morning and although it was quite a drag, it was over soon enough. I ran into my ex-RA and we planned a lunch date for a few hours in the future, so I rushed myself home and soon found myself at BCD with Norby & Mo. It was quite the cute catchup, nothing else to say! Then from there I went to Mo's and lazed around for a while, which I am very good at. We went to Newport Beach around 4:30 and chilled in the delicious ocean breeze for a while.
I met someone so funny at the beach. She's HILARIOUS -- a one-woman show. So funny and charismatic and shamelessly herself. She's one of those people I admire and wish to be more like. This might sound kind of creepy. But she's hilarrrrious! I love being around people like that. But at the same time I feel so boring and unsubstantial around her type.
We ended up back at Mo's place after the beach, had a little dinner, had a little fun...and now I'm back at my place, neglecting my packing as I knew I would. Plenty of time for that later!
Something that has come to my attention lately: my wants and actions are quite contradictory. Or rather, my actions do not lead directly to my wants. Instead they twist and tangle, with my intentions only living in my head and not in spoken word. I think I fear getting in people's way, I don't want to leave a "pushy" impression, thus I shy from asking for what I want.
Exhibit A: Last night my time of the month cravings begged for Salsa Verde. My friend told me he would take me to Albertsons but forgot and went without me...Mo insisted on him taking us anyway, and he obliged, but I steadfastly said NO even though my stomach was screaming the opposite. So is this pushover status or a desire to not get in people's way?
And if I don't get in people's ways once in a while, doesn't that mean I'll just be soon forgotten? I feel like I don't leave a lasting impression; I'll be there when you want me but I won't force myself into your life. Easily ignored?
Exhibit B: Some of you may know about my youtube friend. SIGH, I want my T-shirt back...like desperately. But I feel like I'm being naggy and annoying, which I absolutely HATE in others so I'm being less persistent than I would usually be. Is this a pathetic surrender or a polite step back?
ANNNND....there, I hit it. I'm over thinking. Excellent. I will just sit here in my lens-less 3-D glasses (!!!) and continue to ponder the reasons for my lackluster living and ignore my gaping suitcase.
T-minus 12 hours until I'm aboard the beloved Vietnamese bus! Off to do other things to take up time.
4.29.2009
every day is different
and exciting. I don't think I'll ever be able to be truly CONTENT with my life; there are always things that I want to do and ways I can better myself and experiences that are offered. That's my happiness, I guess. Never knowing whats coming next and just going with whatever comes your way.
I have been busy...it's been good.
I had a good conversation today about caring. Like actively deciding what to care about and what to think about and neglecting the things that you deem unnecessary. He said just care about what you have to care about because everything else will blow over. SO right, I just need to remember to apply this to my life more, because lately I tend to get swept away by every little breeze. It's fun I guess, but to be anchored is more practical.
My midterm is tomorrow which is why I decided to write a blog that trails off and has no definite substance. Should really study.
Plus, I'm waiting for a real blog worthy thought to enter my head.
Till then, stay free of swine flu!
I have been busy...it's been good.
I had a good conversation today about caring. Like actively deciding what to care about and what to think about and neglecting the things that you deem unnecessary. He said just care about what you have to care about because everything else will blow over. SO right, I just need to remember to apply this to my life more, because lately I tend to get swept away by every little breeze. It's fun I guess, but to be anchored is more practical.
My midterm is tomorrow which is why I decided to write a blog that trails off and has no definite substance. Should really study.
Plus, I'm waiting for a real blog worthy thought to enter my head.
Till then, stay free of swine flu!
4.06.2009
cut the crap
What are you doing in college? What are you looking for? An actual education? Fun? Lasting friendships? A relationship? Experiences that will help you get a job? Life lessons? The chance to experiment?
Honestly, why are we where we are right now? Past the reasoning that my father paid for this academic pathway and that's how I'm in this dorm, what am I REALLY doing here?
Success, I just overused my question mark key. But seriously. Answers appreciated.
Honestly, why are we where we are right now? Past the reasoning that my father paid for this academic pathway and that's how I'm in this dorm, what am I REALLY doing here?
Success, I just overused my question mark key. But seriously. Answers appreciated.
3.08.2009
bungry
You know when you're really not hungry at all, but you still want to eat? Seriously, you had a sandwich and a smoothie not two hours ago and yet you are looking forward to that chicken carbonara and nachos for dinner. You're not hungry, your stomach is completely full! You are just bored and do not want to study. You are just bored and want to think about the delicious kinds of food that you could be eating.
So today, April and I coined the term 'bungry'. It's when you eat when you're not really hungry, more just bored/neglectful of studies. Most of the time, I realize, I eat because I am bungry. This is a terrible thing to realize. It made me quite sad, because thinking about good food really actually does make me happy. But then it disrupts my previous train of thought about how I really really should probably start getting work done. It's just so much more fun thinking about things like chicken/broccoli/mushroom sandwiches.
An hour ago, April and I satisfied our bunger with some butter toffee peanuts from the vending machine. As of 10 minutes ago, I was bhirsty. So I got myself a strawberry melon juice drink from the vending machine. Being bhirsty and bungry all the time really takes a toll on your wallet.
My bhirstiness quenched, I am now back to feeling bungry. I could really go for some ramen right now. Dammit.
So today, April and I coined the term 'bungry'. It's when you eat when you're not really hungry, more just bored/neglectful of studies. Most of the time, I realize, I eat because I am bungry. This is a terrible thing to realize. It made me quite sad, because thinking about good food really actually does make me happy. But then it disrupts my previous train of thought about how I really really should probably start getting work done. It's just so much more fun thinking about things like chicken/broccoli/mushroom sandwiches.
An hour ago, April and I satisfied our bunger with some butter toffee peanuts from the vending machine. As of 10 minutes ago, I was bhirsty. So I got myself a strawberry melon juice drink from the vending machine. Being bhirsty and bungry all the time really takes a toll on your wallet.
My bhirstiness quenched, I am now back to feeling bungry. I could really go for some ramen right now. Dammit.
3.02.2009
there is
so much that I could say right now, about this weekend of fails, about this learning experience that was thrust upon me, about this desire I have to write about some things that elude my understanding. But I have to save these words for another time, because I'm swamped and sleepy and to be honest, quite intimidated by the sheer amount of things that are on my mind. Once I start, I will never stop, so I will save it for a journal entry accompanied by hand cramps.
---
The Fray and Melee have been bouncing around in my mind all day. And all day I have avoided doing homework as per usual. I didn't even do my laundry or vacuum, I'm disgusting I know! Honestly if you asked me what I did today I would be at a loss for words. But I did have some very good fries at In-N-Out so it is not really a day wasted, right?
I cannot believe that it is week 9 already! I have to pick my classes this week (humcore, management, french? logic&linguistics? chemistry of cooking?) and possibly arrange a date for my community service...hah. I'm also planning on watching the free showing of Milk, and volunteering for Jumpstart tomorrow with a hallmate. Add in some hardcore catching up in classes and excercise and you have my week. I need some strength...
This quote stood out to me today:
"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."
It's hard for me to accept weakness, though; in both myself and others.
2.28.2009
ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Life goes on.
I think we as people don't need labels, we need stories.
But here, I will contradict myself and tell you that I befriended a hustler! Legitimate, he used to steal cars in Chi-town. Maybe he knew Kanye. His story was honest, which I appreciate. Perhaps the label 'hustler' does not fit him to a t, but I will never know. Anyway, I laugh at myself and at life in general, but here is another life-experience and that is actually all that I am asking for in the day-to-day. This will be a fun story to reminisce upon in the future.
There were many thoughts running through my mind last night at hyper-speed, but for now I've let them settle. I'm appreciating the gentle ebb and flow as I sit here sipping my tea, because generally, things don't really last.
How did we all end up so scattered in our philosophies and desires?
1.13.2009
back to bouncy
Somehow I kind of fell into a downer mood the past couple of days. But there are a number of things that totally cheered me up and here they are:
-Lady GaGa & happy music in general. I mentioned to Crystal that she should not listen to sad music and then realized that I was a filthy hypocrite, so I rid myself of my glum Mraz and instead turned to find the Remedy in happier songs (haha, such Wordplay here (omg I did it again)). Also, dancing in my room alone when nobody is looking is pretty much therapeutic.
-Going to the gym. I've been going regularly! Endorphins are my drug. Hahaha...no.
-The little study room in my dorm where little studying occurs. My friends and I record videos for each other in there, and there are a number of epic productions scattered among our friends' walls. For instance, there is one bootay-poppin video somewhere on facebook, and another video of "Jizz in my Pants" (pretty beast) somewhere else. And the study room was the scene of my friend's pencil twirling gone awry -- the pencil spun out of control and jabbed him in the eye. HAHAHA! Of course he was not hurt, otherwise I would not be laughing. Except I probably would be anyway.
-Long talks! I started getting to know this guy better and I stayed up until around 5 two nights in a row cause we just kept talking! These are the kinds of conversations I love, even though they leave me feeling drained and falling asleep in Psychology. And there is absolutely nothing romantical about these conversations, which makes me all the happier. Friendship is fun and so are fluvial conversations!
**Side note: FLUVIAL is the greatest word. Instead of saying "we clicked!" when referring to someone you get along with really well, my friends and I now say fluvial. Of or pertaining to a river. AKA FLOW! Fluvial. Woot.
-I dropped my Management class with my fobby bee-ness professor. And now I am enrolled in maybe the Best Class of All Time. Beatles & the 60's!!! I am totally pumped for this class and I don't even care that people gripe about how much memorization it is. My first lecture was today and it was pretty damn interesting, although I did fall asleep for a moment. Not to happen again! I can't wait to learrrrn.
-WEATHER!<3 Irvine has been a delicious 80+ degrees the whole week. I'm hoping for a nice summery glow in the midst of winter.
Okay my eyelids are drooping like a dozy dog's. Haha oh alliteration! Till next time.
-Lady GaGa & happy music in general. I mentioned to Crystal that she should not listen to sad music and then realized that I was a filthy hypocrite, so I rid myself of my glum Mraz and instead turned to find the Remedy in happier songs (haha, such Wordplay here (omg I did it again)). Also, dancing in my room alone when nobody is looking is pretty much therapeutic.
-Going to the gym. I've been going regularly! Endorphins are my drug. Hahaha...no.
-The little study room in my dorm where little studying occurs. My friends and I record videos for each other in there, and there are a number of epic productions scattered among our friends' walls. For instance, there is one bootay-poppin video somewhere on facebook, and another video of "Jizz in my Pants" (pretty beast) somewhere else. And the study room was the scene of my friend's pencil twirling gone awry -- the pencil spun out of control and jabbed him in the eye. HAHAHA! Of course he was not hurt, otherwise I would not be laughing. Except I probably would be anyway.
-Long talks! I started getting to know this guy better and I stayed up until around 5 two nights in a row cause we just kept talking! These are the kinds of conversations I love, even though they leave me feeling drained and falling asleep in Psychology. And there is absolutely nothing romantical about these conversations, which makes me all the happier. Friendship is fun and so are fluvial conversations!
**Side note: FLUVIAL is the greatest word. Instead of saying "we clicked!" when referring to someone you get along with really well, my friends and I now say fluvial. Of or pertaining to a river. AKA FLOW! Fluvial. Woot.
-I dropped my Management class with my fobby bee-ness professor. And now I am enrolled in maybe the Best Class of All Time. Beatles & the 60's!!! I am totally pumped for this class and I don't even care that people gripe about how much memorization it is. My first lecture was today and it was pretty damn interesting, although I did fall asleep for a moment. Not to happen again! I can't wait to learrrrn.
-WEATHER!<3 Irvine has been a delicious 80+ degrees the whole week. I'm hoping for a nice summery glow in the midst of winter.
Okay my eyelids are drooping like a dozy dog's. Haha oh alliteration! Till next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)