simplify

I'm back from a weekend camping adventure at Lake Sonoma with the crew, unfortunately missing a few people. One camping thread and much stress on a certain vicious (but well-loved) camp director's part later and we were at campsites #95 and #96, grilling burgers, spewing profanities at bees, and getting gloriously filthy.

It was actually really nice to not have to worry about anything, including hygiene. That may sound disgusting now, but showers were not really a main priority, because you know that your neighbor stinks just as much as you do. It's a combination of campsite dust, sunblock, and sweat...and then maybe throw in some lingering scent of portapotty and lake water. Delicious.

Seriously though, the entire time I was there, I was hardly thinking (except when B and T brought up interesting topics) and mostly just enjoying every moment. I wasn't thinking about school, or all the things I had to do. I didn't think about people I miss in Irvine and I wasn't meticulously planning out my fall quarter. I wasn't belittling myself for failing to acquire an internship like my friend had, and I wasn't constantly reminding myself to make things happen. I was just be-ing, and it was refreshingly simple and nice.

Even when I'm at home, I plan things constantly. I am a list-maker and I plot out time frames in my mind, which I realize is an exceedingly stressful instinct. I plan when I shower, I plan what I am going to eat, I plan what I will wear, the list goes on. There's just too much to think of. Then there's the added stress of parentals and sibling and the expectations that they bring you. But when we were all camping, there wasn't really much to stress about. Plenty of delicious food, plenty of good company. And that is all I need to keep me content.

Turning off my phone was such a relief as well. I will admit that I am pretty attached to my cellular device here in the real world, and it is something that I both love and hate. I love it because it lets me get in contact with the people I like best, but I hate it because it means I'm always accessible and a text message could throw my pre-planned day wildly off course. Sometimes my phone brings me things that are not best for me. Plus my phone's presence by my side just makes me feel like I'm waiting for something. Expecting a text message or phone call from a friend, when in reality, the phone should be something I glance at once every couple hours instead of however often I actually do toy with it (which is embarrassingly frequent).

I could argue that I just check the time on my phone very often...which is another thing I liked about camping. I never really knew what time it was. We got back to an animalistic stage, I guess you could say. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired, and got up when the sun came out. "What time is it?" we asked each other, bleary eyed, as we stumbled out of our tents. Nobody really knew...and then I realized it was of the least significance. Life became so much more simple and pleasant.

It was pleasant too, to sit and read for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I really read for pleasure in chunks of time like this. I devoured my book, 200+ pages in about two days, reading on and off whenever I could. Most of the time when I read, I just read pages at a time and then get distracted by something else (namely technology, damn you). It was so nice to just sit, attempt to forget about the sweltering heat and obnoxious bees, and disappear into someone else's fictional life.

Now that I'm back in civilization I've decided to be less attached to these devices that steal simplicity and pleasure away from my life. But it's a tough routine to change, because here I am, listening to Drake on my iPod, typing furiously away on my laptop (with twitter, facebook, gmail, AIM, and my blog open), with my phone not three inches away. And where is the book that was such a great companion to me all weekend? It lies lonely and unfinished in my bedroom, where I dropped it after I got home.

I suppose the trip was just that -- a trip. We can't always escape the negatives of technology and modern life, but it was a nice reminder to me to retreat into simple times whenever I can. It was a weekend well-spent, with much loved friends and fun times I won't forget anytime soon.

Aside from the camaraderie, I already miss the night sky. I miss seeing the Milky Way and the millions of stars, and I miss hoping that I'll look up at exactly the right time and catch a shooting star in it's short-lived trip across the sky. Seeing that huge darkness and all the stars reminds you of how small you are, and it's reassuring in a way.

I guess I just need to bring camping philosophy into my everyday civilian life. Simplify, retreat, have fun, remember your insignificance every once in a while. Wear plenty of sunblock. Oh, and bring band-aids.

friends

How do you know if you are friends with someone?
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.

Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?

I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.

I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.

More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.

I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:

be still

Today was a weird day for me. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Lucky for me there are things in my life that can easily change that. For instance, this amazing view with these amazing people...I wanted to freeze time and sit there for eternity, not saying a word. Like I said before, sometimes things just feel right.

And sometimes it feels like the world is whizzing by. People are going to college soon and I'm embarking on this rather epic Asia-journey in a little over a week. The summer is passing by faster than I expected -- but each moment is rich and valued so I don't really feel at a loss. Some things are falling into place, which I'm enjoying. And the things that aren't...I don't really miss. I feel a definite change in myself and others. Change is good.

And something I learned: sometimes I need to just be quiet and appreciate. It's usually my instinct to have something to say...but sometimes silence speaks for itself. Right?

swing swing

Something about swinging is so calming for me. Maybe it's the combination of good company and good conversation, set under a real blue summer night's sky pierced with stars and a glowing moon. I love the park after dark, it's a little more haunting and less innocent than by the light of day.

Today was a typical summer day followed by a typical summer night. I spent the day sitting around, trying to be productive but half-assing it. And then I started feeling bad for never getting things done while people around me are chasing their dreams. So I resolved to have no more of these type of days. They occur too often, and more and more, they expose the fact that it is only me standing in my own way. Why am I stopping myself?

Baby steps, I guess. I did accomplish a little bit today. Very slowly started on the route to (FINALLY!!!) getting my license, with a little help from T. I also researched the study abroad program that I hope to be participating in next summer. Six to seven weeks in France sounds like a dream come true. I'm looking forward to making this trip happen. I really can't wait to get back to Irvine and start setting the wheels in motion.

I think the trouble I have is thinking for the present. I'm so obsessed with the future and the goals, but I don't really think about the steps leading up to it. Simultaneously I analyze the past and reflect upon what HAS happened instead of what IS happening. How do I take these thoughts on the past/future and translate them into my present? If I find this out, I think I'll be a lot happier with who I am.

Jason Mraz's blog led me to a name-analyzing website today. For the most part it was pretty accurate, especially the part about being independent and striving to have experiences. And the interest waning quickly...and even the frustration/rebelliousness was pretty on point. And here's the punch: "Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation."

A restless intensity? I guess I can relate. So will relaxation be denied to me for the rest of my lifetime? Something to think about. Interesting site.

easy breezy

Today was the last day in SoCal for a while...surprise, coming home a little early! Somehow though, once I dream of leaving, people conjure up reasons to make me stay...birthday parties, beach trips, pool parties (with cabanas!!), social activities galore, all which I THRIVE upon! Too bad my NorCal love affair must resume...I've been away too long and all I really want to do is sit in Meher's garage. Haha, holla!

Anyway, today was an easy-peasy breezy kind of day. I went wherever the wind blew me...well, I went the way the wind was coming from, because I like the wind blowing in my hair that way. I was talking about this with a friend, you look so much better when you're going against the wind than when you're going with it. PARALLEL FOR LIFE, MUCH??? WOW! Moving on.

I had work early in the morning and although it was quite a drag, it was over soon enough. I ran into my ex-RA and we planned a lunch date for a few hours in the future, so I rushed myself home and soon found myself at BCD with Norby & Mo. It was quite the cute catchup, nothing else to say! Then from there I went to Mo's and lazed around for a while, which I am very good at. We went to Newport Beach around 4:30 and chilled in the delicious ocean breeze for a while.

I met someone so funny at the beach. She's HILARIOUS -- a one-woman show. So funny and charismatic and shamelessly herself. She's one of those people I admire and wish to be more like. This might sound kind of creepy. But she's hilarrrrious! I love being around people like that. But at the same time I feel so boring and unsubstantial around her type.

We ended up back at Mo's place after the beach, had a little dinner, had a little fun...and now I'm back at my place, neglecting my packing as I knew I would. Plenty of time for that later!

Something that has come to my attention lately: my wants and actions are quite contradictory. Or rather, my actions do not lead directly to my wants. Instead they twist and tangle, with my intentions only living in my head and not in spoken word. I think I fear getting in people's way, I don't want to leave a "pushy" impression, thus I shy from asking for what I want.

Exhibit A: Last night my time of the month cravings begged for Salsa Verde. My friend told me he would take me to Albertsons but forgot and went without me...Mo insisted on him taking us anyway, and he obliged, but I steadfastly said NO even though my stomach was screaming the opposite. So is this pushover status or a desire to not get in people's way?

And if I don't get in people's ways once in a while, doesn't that mean I'll just be soon forgotten? I feel like I don't leave a lasting impression; I'll be there when you want me but I won't force myself into your life. Easily ignored?

Exhibit B: Some of you may know about my youtube friend. SIGH, I want my T-shirt back...like desperately. But I feel like I'm being naggy and annoying, which I absolutely HATE in others so I'm being less persistent than I would usually be. Is this a pathetic surrender or a polite step back?

ANNNND....there, I hit it. I'm over thinking. Excellent. I will just sit here in my lens-less 3-D glasses (!!!) and continue to ponder the reasons for my lackluster living and ignore my gaping suitcase.

T-minus 12 hours until I'm aboard the beloved Vietnamese bus! Off to do other things to take up time.

oh, those summer nights

I need to work at living in the moment
instead of considering the future
and questioning the past.