I have been home for less than one hour and already I have made five separate lists of things to do before I go back to Irvine. SIGH, back to reality much?
My last night in Singapore I tossed and turned, insomnia-stricken, my mind running wild with tons of things to write about -- the trip, my experiences, observations, resolutions, etc...but now I'm kind of lazy. I just want to sit and be home for a while, vegetate for a bit. Real blog coming tomorrow I guess. I only have a week before I'm back at school sooo...busy days ahead! (:
Showing posts with label missing things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label missing things. Show all posts
9.11.2009
8.24.2009
cousins
make me so happy! (:
Last night I went to a sushi place with two sets of aunts/uncles/cousins. There were five of us seated at the "kids table", messing around just like old times. I forgot that I was 18 years old and in college and just resorted to making stupid faces at my 9 year old cousin next to me. He never stops talking and is truly a laugh riot, which I absolutely adore.
I am very content here. But at the same time this lull in productivity makes me want to go back to school even more. I had a dream last night about being back in Irvine and it made me want to get a move on with my goals. I guess I just can't really forget what I want to accomplish, and being in a place where I can't get any closer to those achievements makes me feel distant and irrelevant. I've never been good at being patient, but I realize I just need to learn how to appreciate what every day brings me, whether it be a step closer to accomplishing something or simply a good day with my family.
Being here also makes me wonder how my life would be different if I were born here instead of in the US.
Last night I went to a sushi place with two sets of aunts/uncles/cousins. There were five of us seated at the "kids table", messing around just like old times. I forgot that I was 18 years old and in college and just resorted to making stupid faces at my 9 year old cousin next to me. He never stops talking and is truly a laugh riot, which I absolutely adore.
I am very content here. But at the same time this lull in productivity makes me want to go back to school even more. I had a dream last night about being back in Irvine and it made me want to get a move on with my goals. I guess I just can't really forget what I want to accomplish, and being in a place where I can't get any closer to those achievements makes me feel distant and irrelevant. I've never been good at being patient, but I realize I just need to learn how to appreciate what every day brings me, whether it be a step closer to accomplishing something or simply a good day with my family.
Being here also makes me wonder how my life would be different if I were born here instead of in the US.
8.17.2009
more looking back
2007 was a great year.
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?
edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.
A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.
Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:
8.08.2009
flight
It felt like freedom. Sometimes, things just feel right.
I can't really express how good it was to just be on the ice again...but I liked the challenge.
And something about physically falling and getting up and trying again is so...simple and nice.
Waking up sore this morning was a good feeling. I want this back.
It made me happy in a way that I haven't been for a while..
Thanks C for documenting, thanks B for the accompaniment and opportunity. (:
8.06.2009
potential
I used to have it once.
---
Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"
But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.
They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.
It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.
I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.
Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.
"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?
There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.
---
And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?
I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.
If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.
---
Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"
But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.
They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.
It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.
I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.
Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.
"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?
There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.
---
And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?
I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.
If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.
8.05.2009
closer
Closer to my dreams
I'm gettin' higher
I feel it in my sleep
I said I'm gettin' higher
And closer to my dreams
Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on
Closer to my dreams
-Closer, Drake ft. Andreena Mill
---
So lately I've been talking and thinking about the future, the way that young people usually do. Within my friend group, I feel like there is so much potential and so many opportunities and I can't wait to see my friends succeed. Imagining where we'll be 10 years from now is such a trip. I want to see everyone grow up and fulfill their dreams.
Because now we actually CAN chase our dreams. As C and I wound around darkening roads last night, we talked about growing up and realizing that you can actually go after what you want. As children, there were always things that we desired, but we didn't have the means to go about and acquire them. As we grow up freedom is handed to us, through licenses, keys, connections, jobs, skills...etc. The only thing we have to do is actually utilize what we have to get what we want. That's growing up, I guess. Having less restrictions and being more able to get to where you want to be.
But restrictions will always exist...and lately, it seems that they especially like to exist in my life, at least at home. There's so much that I want to do but when I'm at home, my life gets smaller. I have a curfew, and I have to ask permission, and I am dependent. It's nice to "marinate" and relax I guess, but I'm in an ambitious sort of mood, so sitting at home just frustrates me.
Right now I just can't wait to escape. The family trip coming up is definitely something I'm looking forward to, I love travel and I know this trip will provide me some sights and sounds that will give me a lot to think about. Even more though, I want to be back at Irvine. Being home has made me realize how much more I can DO in Irvine, and all the opportunities I need to take advantage of. So I want to be there while I'm still in this "get things done" mood.
I'm gettin' higher
I feel it in my sleep
I said I'm gettin' higher
And closer to my dreams
Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on
Closer to my dreams
-Closer, Drake ft. Andreena Mill
---
So lately I've been talking and thinking about the future, the way that young people usually do. Within my friend group, I feel like there is so much potential and so many opportunities and I can't wait to see my friends succeed. Imagining where we'll be 10 years from now is such a trip. I want to see everyone grow up and fulfill their dreams.
Because now we actually CAN chase our dreams. As C and I wound around darkening roads last night, we talked about growing up and realizing that you can actually go after what you want. As children, there were always things that we desired, but we didn't have the means to go about and acquire them. As we grow up freedom is handed to us, through licenses, keys, connections, jobs, skills...etc. The only thing we have to do is actually utilize what we have to get what we want. That's growing up, I guess. Having less restrictions and being more able to get to where you want to be.
But restrictions will always exist...and lately, it seems that they especially like to exist in my life, at least at home. There's so much that I want to do but when I'm at home, my life gets smaller. I have a curfew, and I have to ask permission, and I am dependent. It's nice to "marinate" and relax I guess, but I'm in an ambitious sort of mood, so sitting at home just frustrates me.
Right now I just can't wait to escape. The family trip coming up is definitely something I'm looking forward to, I love travel and I know this trip will provide me some sights and sounds that will give me a lot to think about. Even more though, I want to be back at Irvine. Being home has made me realize how much more I can DO in Irvine, and all the opportunities I need to take advantage of. So I want to be there while I'm still in this "get things done" mood.
7.31.2009
nostalgia
When did our present turn into the past? Is it instantaneous, the second it's over it becomes the past? There are times that feel like just yesterday that I realize are so far gone.
I ran into some old family friends today after lunch. We passed by casually, not recognizing one another after the lapse of not seeing each other for a couple years. Turning around I realized that it really was them, so I caught up with them and WOW what a trip. I remember baby-sitting the two kids, and now they're fourteen and eleven. One of them is taller than my sister, thankfully still shorter than me (just by an inch). She's about to start high school, if you can call it that. She's homeschooling because she is a tennis SUPERSTAR. Caps lock necessary.
Time really flies...we used to see each other a lot, they were like the little siblings I never had. Maybe I'm being extra nostalgic, I just miss those olden days.
And I miss the golden age -- I didn't really think about it until yesterday, high school was pretty outrageous. So many good times, and it felt so unique and fresh. Just the people I surrounded myself with had such a different feel than the people I meet in college. College life can be pretty cookie-cutter at times. Yeah it's fun, but don't we all get tired of it? I'm looking for someone(s) to flip that around and bring back the glory days of high school, except college style. Does that make sense? High school life just felt more interesting.
Maybe college is just a lull. The empty space between the fun of high school and the grind of post-college life. A time to realize your goals, make connections (but not relationships), and start building yourself a foundation. This post is making college sound SO dull, which it really is not...I'm just being nostalgic, I suppose.
<3 Gabe Bondoc.
I ran into some old family friends today after lunch. We passed by casually, not recognizing one another after the lapse of not seeing each other for a couple years. Turning around I realized that it really was them, so I caught up with them and WOW what a trip. I remember baby-sitting the two kids, and now they're fourteen and eleven. One of them is taller than my sister, thankfully still shorter than me (just by an inch). She's about to start high school, if you can call it that. She's homeschooling because she is a tennis SUPERSTAR. Caps lock necessary.
Time really flies...we used to see each other a lot, they were like the little siblings I never had. Maybe I'm being extra nostalgic, I just miss those olden days.
And I miss the golden age -- I didn't really think about it until yesterday, high school was pretty outrageous. So many good times, and it felt so unique and fresh. Just the people I surrounded myself with had such a different feel than the people I meet in college. College life can be pretty cookie-cutter at times. Yeah it's fun, but don't we all get tired of it? I'm looking for someone(s) to flip that around and bring back the glory days of high school, except college style. Does that make sense? High school life just felt more interesting.
Maybe college is just a lull. The empty space between the fun of high school and the grind of post-college life. A time to realize your goals, make connections (but not relationships), and start building yourself a foundation. This post is making college sound SO dull, which it really is not...I'm just being nostalgic, I suppose.
<3 Gabe Bondoc.
homes
Being back home is different. In all honesty, I'm confused at which "home" is my main home now. Irvine pulls me back the way Cupertino pulled me back when I was in Irvine...it's kind of painful to constantly be in this limbo. I find myself wondering what I'd be doing if I was in Irvine. But here, let's not ponder the might-have-beens, rather, let's focus on recent ponderings of being back home...
First off, I'm going to whine a little bit. Grievances about home include:
-weak showerhead
-lack of my regular beauty products (SIGH Aussie shampoo, I MISS YOU DEARLY)
-curfew....sucks major ass.
-I feel extra poor here, even though in Irvine I was making very little bank.
Anyway...being home is extra nice right now. It's like a fresh breath of air, time to gather yourself and re-focus. It's nice having something to look forward to and consistently work at, too (HOLLA DANCE BISCUITS) hahah.
Also, I think everyone is taking notice of each other more. Some things feel a lot closer. I find myself being much more open with people too, maybe the physical distance made me realize how important they actually are in my life. I'm kind of rambling, it's late...
Living life in chunks is easier to do.
First off, I'm going to whine a little bit. Grievances about home include:
-weak showerhead
-lack of my regular beauty products (SIGH Aussie shampoo, I MISS YOU DEARLY)
-curfew....sucks major ass.
-I feel extra poor here, even though in Irvine I was making very little bank.
Anyway...being home is extra nice right now. It's like a fresh breath of air, time to gather yourself and re-focus. It's nice having something to look forward to and consistently work at, too (HOLLA DANCE BISCUITS) hahah.
Also, I think everyone is taking notice of each other more. Some things feel a lot closer. I find myself being much more open with people too, maybe the physical distance made me realize how important they actually are in my life. I'm kind of rambling, it's late...
Living life in chunks is easier to do.
4.21.2009
unreachable
where is everyone! ):
true or false:
all we really want is to feel like we belong.
i miss you guys
true or false:
all we really want is to feel like we belong.
i miss you guys
3.28.2009
I'm on a bus
motherfuckers, take a look at me.
YES! The title is indeed true, because I am blogging to you live from the Vietnamese Bus*. Slash Highway Five. It's a great day out here on the highway for a number of reasons:
1. the sun is shining! (even though I can't feel it and all the shades are drawn..)
2. I just found out this bus has wifi. LEGIT
3. the Jacki Chan movie about the Tuxedo is playing...which is a huge upgrade from Miss Vietnam Global. (Although I do love a good pageant show)
and of course,
4. "I'm On A Boat" has been stuck in my head for the past 3-4 hours, except the remixed version that my head created, "I'm On A Bus"...it's pretty great.
All in all a successful trip thus far. My estimated arrival time in Irvine is probably around 4 or 5, and from there I have a nice lonely evening and perhaps a kickback to attend if plans legitimize. (Is that even a word?)
*For those of you who are interested, I skipped out on the sandwich after finding out that it really is actually ground liver. And no, there is no nail salon. Unfortunate, my nails could use some work.
I just looked out my window....SHIET, MIDDLE CAL! D: Shoot me now. This giant bus is gonna kill so many butterflies and bugs. And there are no nice trees and hills for me to entertain my eyes with. Which leads me to the second list of my blogpost:
Why NorCal is Far Superior (from both SoCal and MidCal, if that even counts as a segment of Cal.)
1. THE AIR. So much more fresh, crisp, clean, more adjectives that remind you of a salad. Honestly, I can see LA from some parts in Irvine and it looks kind of like Mordor. Smog is no fun, kids.
2. Trees. There are a LOT more trees. And it's just a lot more dense and green and lush. Plus we have the REAL trees (ie Redwoods) not the wimpy little trees that I don't know the names of. They're nice too, but Redwoods will always be my favorite.
3. Hills. I never really noticed, but Cupertino is constantly receiving a giant hug from the hills on pretty much all sides. And they are GREEN and fabulous. I just want to run up all of them and sing about how the hills are alive with the sound of music. But then I remind myself that I am not in that great shape and I am also not Julie Andrews, so I will content myself with driving up the hills with my friends (HOLLA highway 9!). NorCal has soo many great lookout spots; perhaps I'm just not well acquainted with Irvine enough to know where the good spots are, but so far the only place I know of is the top floor of the parking structure. WIN.
4. Character. I feel like NorCal is not as manufactured and planned as SoCal. Especially Irvine, which was plotted out specifically and planned meticulously by the Irvine Company. Hooray for having a Utopian style town (bleh) but um...I like towns and cities that grow. I can't really explain it, but just looking around the streets of NorCal you KNOW that there's character and stories and growing. SoCal just feels too materialistic and image-conscious.
5. They say we have nothing, but honestly we have everything. We have the Bay. The beaches, the hills, and everything in between. We have great cities like SF and we have Santa Cruz and scenery and real trees...and we have Tahoe! Although that is kind of a drive.
6. NorCal has tons of Priuses! I saw one that was painted really nicely; it was an ocean scene I think? Then it blended into a rainbow. THE POINT IS we are environment-friendly! Unlike Mordor and those smog producing Orcs. I hardly ever see Priuses in SoCal and when I do it makes me a little happy inside. Haha.
7. The people. This one is kind of a given.
Which leads me to the discussion of a most fabulously-spent holiday. It's hard to believe that a little less than a week ago, Nate, Crystal and I were careening down this same highway, killing bugs without a thought, heading for HOME and friends and happiness. I can honestly say, although this break seems to be ending prematurely, it was very well spent in great company. It just fits, like puzzle pieces nawmean? I guess I didn't truly realize the significance of HOME before this break, I don't know why. I have a lot more to say on this subject but as it is, this blogpost is already quite long and I know that if I got into the details it would be more self-reflective boring-for-you-to-read material. So I will hold off on that and write about random things instead.
The guy sitting catty corner from me was writing in his moleskine earlier. I wanted to pat him on the head, but I held myself back. I'm giving Nate a holla by using his fave phrase, "catty corner." And when I was asking how to spell it, this greatness happened:
N: catty and kitty are also exceptable
C: okay
C: ACCEPTABLE*
C: SHIET SON, YOU JUST GOT CORRECTED
N: shiit
C: I AM GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS.
So I did. Also he gave a really weak excuse:
N: I woke up like an hour ago so gimme a break
Hahaha, oh meepkins. Not getting off that easy. This is a victory that I am going to relish forever. CHyeah I just immortalized it into my blogspot. What now.
Last night I had a dream that I was on my way to class and I got a phone call from a mystery number. I picked it up, and it was none other than JASON MRAZ. He was calling to tell me that he wanted me to dance in his music video or something. And do you know what I said???? "Can I call you back later? I'm in class."
I take that as a really good sign for my grades next quarter. You don't just turn down Jason Mraz! I was surprised at my dream-self when I woke up.
Anyway, spring break was The Shit minus some sourness with my parents that I can forget about. I am re-energized for the hardest quarter this year, and I'm ready to work hard and slack off less. Being home reminded me that there are good people in the world and that there are reasons to prove yourself and have ambitions. It was just the breath of fresh air that I needed.
edit// 4pm
In my dorm room! Just added some pics...and this is me at the end of the Vietnamese bus trip:
YAY
YES! The title is indeed true, because I am blogging to you live from the Vietnamese Bus*. Slash Highway Five. It's a great day out here on the highway for a number of reasons:
1. the sun is shining! (even though I can't feel it and all the shades are drawn..)
2. I just found out this bus has wifi. LEGIT
3. the Jacki Chan movie about the Tuxedo is playing...which is a huge upgrade from Miss Vietnam Global. (Although I do love a good pageant show)
and of course,
4. "I'm On A Boat" has been stuck in my head for the past 3-4 hours, except the remixed version that my head created, "I'm On A Bus"...it's pretty great.
All in all a successful trip thus far. My estimated arrival time in Irvine is probably around 4 or 5, and from there I have a nice lonely evening and perhaps a kickback to attend if plans legitimize. (Is that even a word?)
*For those of you who are interested, I skipped out on the sandwich after finding out that it really is actually ground liver. And no, there is no nail salon. Unfortunate, my nails could use some work.
I just looked out my window....SHIET, MIDDLE CAL! D: Shoot me now. This giant bus is gonna kill so many butterflies and bugs. And there are no nice trees and hills for me to entertain my eyes with. Which leads me to the second list of my blogpost:
Why NorCal is Far Superior (from both SoCal and MidCal, if that even counts as a segment of Cal.)
1. THE AIR. So much more fresh, crisp, clean, more adjectives that remind you of a salad. Honestly, I can see LA from some parts in Irvine and it looks kind of like Mordor. Smog is no fun, kids.
2. Trees. There are a LOT more trees. And it's just a lot more dense and green and lush. Plus we have the REAL trees (ie Redwoods) not the wimpy little trees that I don't know the names of. They're nice too, but Redwoods will always be my favorite.
3. Hills. I never really noticed, but Cupertino is constantly receiving a giant hug from the hills on pretty much all sides. And they are GREEN and fabulous. I just want to run up all of them and sing about how the hills are alive with the sound of music. But then I remind myself that I am not in that great shape and I am also not Julie Andrews, so I will content myself with driving up the hills with my friends (HOLLA highway 9!). NorCal has soo many great lookout spots; perhaps I'm just not well acquainted with Irvine enough to know where the good spots are, but so far the only place I know of is the top floor of the parking structure. WIN.
4. Character. I feel like NorCal is not as manufactured and planned as SoCal. Especially Irvine, which was plotted out specifically and planned meticulously by the Irvine Company. Hooray for having a Utopian style town (bleh) but um...I like towns and cities that grow. I can't really explain it, but just looking around the streets of NorCal you KNOW that there's character and stories and growing. SoCal just feels too materialistic and image-conscious.
5. They say we have nothing, but honestly we have everything. We have the Bay. The beaches, the hills, and everything in between. We have great cities like SF and we have Santa Cruz and scenery and real trees...and we have Tahoe! Although that is kind of a drive.
6. NorCal has tons of Priuses! I saw one that was painted really nicely; it was an ocean scene I think? Then it blended into a rainbow. THE POINT IS we are environment-friendly! Unlike Mordor and those smog producing Orcs. I hardly ever see Priuses in SoCal and when I do it makes me a little happy inside. Haha.
7. The people. This one is kind of a given.
Which leads me to the discussion of a most fabulously-spent holiday. It's hard to believe that a little less than a week ago, Nate, Crystal and I were careening down this same highway, killing bugs without a thought, heading for HOME and friends and happiness. I can honestly say, although this break seems to be ending prematurely, it was very well spent in great company. It just fits, like puzzle pieces nawmean? I guess I didn't truly realize the significance of HOME before this break, I don't know why. I have a lot more to say on this subject but as it is, this blogpost is already quite long and I know that if I got into the details it would be more self-reflective boring-for-you-to-read material. So I will hold off on that and write about random things instead.
The guy sitting catty corner from me was writing in his moleskine earlier. I wanted to pat him on the head, but I held myself back. I'm giving Nate a holla by using his fave phrase, "catty corner." And when I was asking how to spell it, this greatness happened:
N: catty and kitty are also exceptable
C: okay
C: ACCEPTABLE*
C: SHIET SON, YOU JUST GOT CORRECTED
N: shiit
C: I AM GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS.
So I did. Also he gave a really weak excuse:
N: I woke up like an hour ago so gimme a break
Hahaha, oh meepkins. Not getting off that easy. This is a victory that I am going to relish forever. CHyeah I just immortalized it into my blogspot. What now.
Last night I had a dream that I was on my way to class and I got a phone call from a mystery number. I picked it up, and it was none other than JASON MRAZ. He was calling to tell me that he wanted me to dance in his music video or something. And do you know what I said???? "Can I call you back later? I'm in class."
I take that as a really good sign for my grades next quarter. You don't just turn down Jason Mraz! I was surprised at my dream-self when I woke up.
Anyway, spring break was The Shit minus some sourness with my parents that I can forget about. I am re-energized for the hardest quarter this year, and I'm ready to work hard and slack off less. Being home reminded me that there are good people in the world and that there are reasons to prove yourself and have ambitions. It was just the breath of fresh air that I needed.
edit// 4pm
In my dorm room! Just added some pics...and this is me at the end of the Vietnamese bus trip:
YAY
2.03.2009
this, i miss
Walking home by the railroad.
Cupertino in the summer time.
Walking to the park.
Stillness and beauty...& being alone to appreciate it.
The chemistry and the crazy and the "THIS IS IT" factor.
---
I'm getting antsy; I can't stay still for long. I need a change of scenery. Talk of escaping to Pasadena and NorCal and LA are especially enticing right now.
I want to go on a nice hike and see the view. Not the smog, the view.
In other news, my midterms remain un-studied for and my tan lines have become more definite. I am half pleased.
GG failed.
Another thing on my mind: project 365. One photo every day for a year to represent each day. It's not too late to start, right? And I finally have a working camera, thanks to friendly people and some Scotch tape. I'll start tomorrow!
The Grand Slam breakfast tomorrow at Denny's! Waking up bright and early, 5:30 AM. Good thing I am getting all my REM.
1.27.2009
"You rock, don't change."
Okay, I admit that I am probably more hormonal/stressed/exhausted/emotional than I ever thought a human being could possibly be, but I am at a strange place dealing with strange circumstances and feeling strange emotions. I'm not going to go into detail because I really think overall this is going to blow over and I will laugh at this and learn from this and ultimately forget about this, so I won't immortalize it in words on the web.
Anyway, I was having a pretty grumpy day. I went to bed angry and frustrated, woke up angry and frustrated, got more angry and frustrated as I tragically failed my midterm, and pretty much decided that something must be done about the piles of bullshit that I was wading into. So I read a magazine, wore my pajamas all day, watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, listened to emo music, talked to people I actually like, took some tips from Nina Garcia, and reminisced on good ole high school days by reading all my yearbook entries.
Reading all the nice things my homies wrote for me ages ago is so touching! I miss the good times and the chemistry and trust between us all, and I miss people a lot. People who I didn't really think I would miss that much, I do. It'll never be the same way again, I realize, but I think I've made my peace with that. You can't really keep going forward if you're concentrating on the past, cause then you'll just miss out.
Somewhere between Breakfast at Tiffany's and Nina Garcia's Little Black Book I hit upon a goldmine. I keep being disloyal to myself and what I really want, and it frustrates me. Like I think what happened is I pretty much drowned in the day to day drama and I let it get to me too much, such that I forgot about who I am and what really matters to me. I'd like to say that I'm past it all, but truth be told, I'm not. It takes a while for me to get un-grumpy about situations and I know I can't force it anymore. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I need to forget about it!
A lot of people wrote in my yearbook, "Don't change." Things like that. That's hard; people are always changing. Everything changes! It's all transient.
Anyway, I was having a pretty grumpy day. I went to bed angry and frustrated, woke up angry and frustrated, got more angry and frustrated as I tragically failed my midterm, and pretty much decided that something must be done about the piles of bullshit that I was wading into. So I read a magazine, wore my pajamas all day, watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, listened to emo music, talked to people I actually like, took some tips from Nina Garcia, and reminisced on good ole high school days by reading all my yearbook entries.
Reading all the nice things my homies wrote for me ages ago is so touching! I miss the good times and the chemistry and trust between us all, and I miss people a lot. People who I didn't really think I would miss that much, I do. It'll never be the same way again, I realize, but I think I've made my peace with that. You can't really keep going forward if you're concentrating on the past, cause then you'll just miss out.
Somewhere between Breakfast at Tiffany's and Nina Garcia's Little Black Book I hit upon a goldmine. I keep being disloyal to myself and what I really want, and it frustrates me. Like I think what happened is I pretty much drowned in the day to day drama and I let it get to me too much, such that I forgot about who I am and what really matters to me. I'd like to say that I'm past it all, but truth be told, I'm not. It takes a while for me to get un-grumpy about situations and I know I can't force it anymore. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I need to forget about it!
A lot of people wrote in my yearbook, "Don't change." Things like that. That's hard; people are always changing. Everything changes! It's all transient.
1.06.2009
oddball teachers & scrambled brain
Hello friends! I have a spare moment in my oddly busy Tuesday, so I decided to be non-productive and instead blog about Irvine happenings. It is strange that I have only been here for about two days, it seems much much longer than that.
Sunday was the day of moving. I lugged all of my belongings up the three flights of stairs back to my dorm room, and then decided that a change was in order. So pretty much I spent the afternoon reorganizing everything I owned. I moved my desk into a more favorable position and I am quite pleased with the result! I also unpacked everything I brought and realized that I have far too many clothes for my own good. Seriously, some of my drawers are very difficult to open because they are packed to the capacity with clothing.
Monday morning arrives and guess what time I woke up? Seven AM. IN THE MORNING! To what? Go to class? NOPE! I went to the gym. I had a very good workout and burned tons of calories and it actually had a great effect on the rest of my day! Endorphins are my favorite. It kept me energized all day and I was seriously like...not tired and super cheerful, despite the fact that classes started.
Speaking of classes, my new discussion leader is completely fails. Her name is Lahela Minerbi, and she is the complete opposite of Brian Thill (mah fave). He was interesting, she is not. He was practical and to the point, she definitely is not. Our one and a half hour class consisted of too many "get to know you!" activities for my liking as well as her describing Midsummer Night's Dream as though we were idiots. I kid you not, at one point she flapped her arms about and pretended to be Cupid. Brian Thill would not approve. I miss his cut-the-bullshit attitude.
Another thing I miss: good food. Winter break brought my standards up again where food is concerned. I definitely gained a lot of weight from pigging out on gourmet Asian food all the time. Now I miss the gourmet! Scrambled eggs tasted like dried brain, chicken tastes more like cardboard, spicy beef is not spicy, etc. I could compile a list of food-related grievances but it would depress me and bore you, so I shall not. Summary: food kind of sucks.
Oh but I had some deer jerky! My friend brought some from his trip to Texas where he shot and killed and later jerk-ified the deer. I only had a little bit cause I felt too guilty for eating such a precious creature. Bambi was my favorite Disney character as a kid! ):
Anyway, today is quite busy. I had my first Psych lecture today which went pretty well, as well as my first Management lecture. My teacher is fob extraordinaire, and from now on I refuse to refer to this class as anything but "bee-ness crass!" If you didn't get that, it's supposed to be "business class" in fobby English. I feel bad for making fun of him haha but it just frustrates me because this means that I actually have to listen harder and pay more attention to him in order to understand the material. Which bums me out, duh. Oh well, I may not be in this class for long.
So I have my empty chunk of time right now until around 5...I need to make a trip to the bookstore and purchase my set of $300 books! WHY SO EXPENSIVE! I texted my mom telling her how much money I needed in my account and I mentioned how sad it was that it was so much moneys. She texted back:
It's ok if u study hard n get gd grade for ur skill it bcomes cheap, last as long as u live. mny is xfer.
CUTE! Haha, but I don't know what the last line means. I think money is transferred?
Then at 7:30 tonight I have my first hip hop class! haha hoorahhhh. And then hall meeting and snow trip meeting. My hall is going to Big Bear this weekend to frolic in the snow and yeah..I am excited and also hoping that it is not that much bank because my wallet is being steadily drained. Which makes me sad.
And now I should really get to starting my homework! Lahela Minerbi makes me do a LOT of work that Brian Thill never required. ):
Sunday was the day of moving. I lugged all of my belongings up the three flights of stairs back to my dorm room, and then decided that a change was in order. So pretty much I spent the afternoon reorganizing everything I owned. I moved my desk into a more favorable position and I am quite pleased with the result! I also unpacked everything I brought and realized that I have far too many clothes for my own good. Seriously, some of my drawers are very difficult to open because they are packed to the capacity with clothing.
Monday morning arrives and guess what time I woke up? Seven AM. IN THE MORNING! To what? Go to class? NOPE! I went to the gym. I had a very good workout and burned tons of calories and it actually had a great effect on the rest of my day! Endorphins are my favorite. It kept me energized all day and I was seriously like...not tired and super cheerful, despite the fact that classes started.
Speaking of classes, my new discussion leader is completely fails. Her name is Lahela Minerbi, and she is the complete opposite of Brian Thill (mah fave). He was interesting, she is not. He was practical and to the point, she definitely is not. Our one and a half hour class consisted of too many "get to know you!" activities for my liking as well as her describing Midsummer Night's Dream as though we were idiots. I kid you not, at one point she flapped her arms about and pretended to be Cupid. Brian Thill would not approve. I miss his cut-the-bullshit attitude.
Another thing I miss: good food. Winter break brought my standards up again where food is concerned. I definitely gained a lot of weight from pigging out on gourmet Asian food all the time. Now I miss the gourmet! Scrambled eggs tasted like dried brain, chicken tastes more like cardboard, spicy beef is not spicy, etc. I could compile a list of food-related grievances but it would depress me and bore you, so I shall not. Summary: food kind of sucks.
Oh but I had some deer jerky! My friend brought some from his trip to Texas where he shot and killed and later jerk-ified the deer. I only had a little bit cause I felt too guilty for eating such a precious creature. Bambi was my favorite Disney character as a kid! ):
Anyway, today is quite busy. I had my first Psych lecture today which went pretty well, as well as my first Management lecture. My teacher is fob extraordinaire, and from now on I refuse to refer to this class as anything but "bee-ness crass!" If you didn't get that, it's supposed to be "business class" in fobby English. I feel bad for making fun of him haha but it just frustrates me because this means that I actually have to listen harder and pay more attention to him in order to understand the material. Which bums me out, duh. Oh well, I may not be in this class for long.
So I have my empty chunk of time right now until around 5...I need to make a trip to the bookstore and purchase my set of $300 books! WHY SO EXPENSIVE! I texted my mom telling her how much money I needed in my account and I mentioned how sad it was that it was so much moneys. She texted back:
It's ok if u study hard n get gd grade for ur skill it bcomes cheap, last as long as u live. mny is xfer.
CUTE! Haha, but I don't know what the last line means. I think money is transferred?
Then at 7:30 tonight I have my first hip hop class! haha hoorahhhh. And then hall meeting and snow trip meeting. My hall is going to Big Bear this weekend to frolic in the snow and yeah..I am excited and also hoping that it is not that much bank because my wallet is being steadily drained. Which makes me sad.
And now I should really get to starting my homework! Lahela Minerbi makes me do a LOT of work that Brian Thill never required. ):
11.19.2008
i should be sleeping
but I wanted to say a couple things.
1. I miss having people around me that I can really really count on. And I miss going to Donut Wheel late at night and talking about everything instead of actually doing homework.
2. Basically I miss having the really good conversations with friends.
3. I miss being around people who know how flawed I am and hang out with me anyway.
4. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now than at home, in my own bed, dreaming the night away with the knowledge that the people I love best are just a short drive away.
5. There are maybe thousands of things that I miss right now, and the list would probably bore you to death and make me tear up in some sort of over-emotional state. But yeah, keep it together, right?
6. I miss being the me that I was used to.
7. All this missing...and a small part of me beats myself up for not being able to fully enjoy my college experience or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.
Ok, everyone misses home and I bet all this is old news for you guys. I just needed to vent right now. Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow so you guys can all ignore the maybe hormonal blog posts of a jaded teenager at three in the morning. WOW, that is a winning combination.
Bye from a rather glum anteater in Irvine.
1. I miss having people around me that I can really really count on. And I miss going to Donut Wheel late at night and talking about everything instead of actually doing homework.
2. Basically I miss having the really good conversations with friends.
3. I miss being around people who know how flawed I am and hang out with me anyway.
4. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now than at home, in my own bed, dreaming the night away with the knowledge that the people I love best are just a short drive away.
5. There are maybe thousands of things that I miss right now, and the list would probably bore you to death and make me tear up in some sort of over-emotional state. But yeah, keep it together, right?
6. I miss being the me that I was used to.
7. All this missing...and a small part of me beats myself up for not being able to fully enjoy my college experience or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.
Ok, everyone misses home and I bet all this is old news for you guys. I just needed to vent right now. Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow so you guys can all ignore the maybe hormonal blog posts of a jaded teenager at three in the morning. WOW, that is a winning combination.
Bye from a rather glum anteater in Irvine.
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