thinks i think

I got campus rep today. (: Still a little part of me wonders whether it was completely based on merit or whether it was a matter of knowing the right people. Maybe a combination of both? Hopefully more heavily weighed on merit? Either way, I'm really excited to prove myself and dive headfirst into this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted.

I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!

---

I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.

---

I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.

I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.

But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.

I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.

But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.

But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.

It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.

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R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?

---

So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.

interviews & results

So the week is finally over! And I left my fourth and final interview in a hurry, not because of the rain, not even because of the wet socks (okay maybe a little bit because of the wet socks) but MOSTLY because I wanted to blog about how awkward interviews are!

Okay, maybe it’s not that they’re AWKWARD. They’re just unnatural. And isn’t that a little bit awkward? I tend to leave interviews in a little bit of a flurry of emotion. On the one hand, I like being asked questions about myself because I do tend to self-reflect a lot, and it’s fun to communicate innermost thoughts and workings of my mind to someone who is basically a complete stranger. Once long ago I’d try to shape my words into something more pleasant to their ears but now, I’ve become more comfortable with sharing my thoughts AS my thoughts. Make sense? Just being myself more, not trying so damn hard all the time.

On the other hand, though, I also leave interviews quite frustrated. Looking back I say, oh, I could have said something else here. Or elaborated on this point. Etc. There’s no point in lingering but what DOES bother me is the whole set up of an interview. Question and answer.

In Anthro we learned about a form of communication that is called initiation/response/evaluation, which is basically ask a question, get an answer, and then proceed from there. In conversation, the evaluation segment would be elaboration on that topic and divulging anecdotes and such. However in the interview setting evaluation is literally just that — evaluation on paper, filling in little boxes, taking note of what you just said. Uncomfortable? A little.

Anyhow, interviews aren’t meant to be conversations. They’re called interviews for a reason I guess, viewing between several people? But generally it’s NOT “between”, it’s more “directed at” someone…which is something I am not a fan of. Here I am, but where are you? Questions and answers on one way streets with almost no switchover.

I digress. What frustrates me is…well, just how am I supposed to share all the knowledge and experiences I’ve acquired in the 18+ years that I’ve been living and breathing and learning? Pack it into a well-worded short verbal paragraph and hurl it onto that piece of paper, being written on by entirely foreign fingers. How can I share the experiences that have molded me into the person that I am, the changes I’ve undergone and every step into the reason why I am how I am, and how can I form this into a statement that ultimately answers WHY I am qualified for this position? How can I get them to KNOW me and understand what I’m passionate about, and what I think about, and all this stuff? Interviews are merely an introduction but I’d rather get them to skip to the middle of this story.

Tough cookies! Going into the interview I was nervous because I knew it was something that I really wanted. In the interview I was less nervous because that’s usually how it is. Anticipation brings nerves but when you’re finally not sitting around doing nothing about it, it’s not half bad.

Before, I sat at the pub with friends and got myself into interview mode. I guess I had the jitters but I got some good laughs and it was a nice comfortable crowd to send me away into the waiting arms of the interview. Anyway I said before I left, “I am just the same as everyone else.”

Someone said, don’t think that way. But I can’t see why not. This way we’re all on equal ground. There’s no hierarchy. After the interview, sure we’ll be “ranked” differently, but right now we’ve all got the same thing. Names on paper, and we’re all just as interesting and involved and engaging as the next person. I am just the same as everyone else because we are all human and we have all been experiencing life and taking from it and applying it to ourselves. The only way we differ is how we’ve rebounded from the jabs that life throws us. Essentially though, we are all the same. We’re just people.

I can see how it can be taken negatively but I said it with no sense of self-pity or self-consciousness. I take that statement as a reminder that we’re all going through experiences and changing on a day to day. I take that as a reminder that when you take away these false labels and intricate cover-ups we’re all built the same.

Someone I interviewed last week said something along those lines…he said he was just like everyone else, so it wasn’t a big deal. I think it’s when we start drawing lines and saying oh I’m more qualified, or oh I’m more popular, or I’m smarter…that’s when we trip ourselves up and stop being ourselves. It raises the stakes and turns it into a competition, when it’s really not. Just do your thing and be happy doing it! Real talk! When you’re just like everyone else it’s easier to not be like everyone else and be more you. If that makes any sense at all. Which it doesn’t, but it does to me. I’ll think about this more I guess.

ANYWAY, the week is over and I am off to celebrate this gray Friday in a yellow car because screw you raindrops, you shall not dampen my mood! (: Lately I’ve been riding a wave of good humor or contentment…so I’m going to go buy something pretty to seal the deal. Busy weekend ahead!

IN OTHER NEWS....I finally heard back from Alternative Spring Break and I am SUPER excited to be a participant at the San Bernardino National Forest this coming break!!!!! AAAAH!!!! (:

it's fight club

I pretty much had the best emo playlist of songs running alllll day today, LAME! It sucks though cause I love singing along, cause I know all the words, and I can pretend like I understand what they're saying. Time together isn't ever quite enoughhhh blah blah blah. It's bogus though, I'm tellin ya.

Anyway. You know how sometimes you keep punching a wall, and then steadily your body builds defenses and calluses itself against the certain pain you'd feel? Until some time you just stop noticing that pain should be present and then you realize, job well done, defenses up, no more bleeding. Then you wonder where it is and stop yourself and say hey -- it's so much more fun NOT feeling like shit!

Like when I ice skated breaking in new skates was always a bitch and a half. Bleeding toes and blistered ankles, SO cute, but sooner or later your skin builds up a higher tolerance in all those spots that rub you sore. I know the exact spots where the backs of my ankles are callused in a spot the size of a pencil eraser, because last summer when I put my skates back on, those old calluses had disappeared and sure enough when I took off my skates they were bleeding on my tights. Getting yourself into your old rhythm and doing something that was once so easy is really tough, you don't really notice all the little sore spots until all of a sudden you do.

Ok I'm gonna stop talking about feet. What I'm saying is, sometimes, you train yourself emotionally like this, too. Sometimes you know what to expect and save yourself future insecurity; then when it all goes according to plan you can congratulate yourself and just keep on moving. There's not enough time to decipher how you feel, moving is living and it's a one-way street. Basically you just hold your breath and let everything fly out the window, dive in and smile. There is no time for 'what if'!! We are flying high speed, pedal to the metal, towards our own death and REALLY there is not enough time for all the what ifs in the world!

This morning I woke up feeling like P.Diddy. No, I kid. HAHA. But really I didn't really feel anything. I'm so apathetic. At first I was worried and was like, hey, maybe I should force myself into overdrive and over think and like feel like a sad little girl and nitpick and mope about all my flaws and shortcomings etcetera...which I am TOTALLY capable of, but NO! TODAY was day of Dim Sum and girl bonding and SHOPPING and writing my essay, bleh. But today was so good. (:

I don't have the capacity for emotion right now, I don't think. Robot life? I don't know, one of these days, sooner or later, somethings gonna whip me into shape and remind me I'm a normal person and normal people deal with feelings... till then I guess it's the same old, see, the constellations in the sky will always leave me high and dry.

OH but today I was almost close to tears (I think) when I talked to my parents on the phone. My internet situation is soo not happening right now, and they told me they'd get me a wifi router and send it, but it's been three weeks and still no wifi. So I talked to them and they said "oh we thought since you didn't call you didn't need it anymore." UH, HELLOOO? They had said since week ONE that they'd look for one and send one ASAP. And they ALWAYS lag like this. Like not buying me a bed either. GRRR. But yeah that was pretty much the emotional climax of my day, what was yours?

pajama time

So the week can't have been THAT bad if I have the freedom to stay in my pajamas until 8:45 pm on Sunday. It can't be THAT busy if I watched the ending of the Wedding Planner and Harry Potter (GOF) whilst eating quesadillas and deviled eggs.

Can I just say a couple things:

-somehow, I really, REALLY suck at hard-boiling eggs. Whatever can go wrong when boiling an egg WILL go wrong if you ask me to boil an egg. It's really not that hard, but for some reason I am completely incompetent.

-BUT, I am very good at making quesadillas, even when highly intoxicated. I impress myself. And also burn my tongue.

-Michael Gambon as Dumbledore pisses me off so much. I wanted to throw a (raw) egg at the TV.

-I locked my door last night, another instance of PARANOIA? It's always so, so strange when I wake up after a night of debauchery and find that I've locked my door. Good instincts, self, but it makes me wonder.

-Watched ice skating on TV and OMG, WANTTTT. ):

I have been on the same page of Euripedes for the past 4 hours, thanks to the interference of the cheesy lines of JLo & Matt McConaughey (how the eff do you spell that) and the painful acting of our very own Harry Potter. AUGHhHhhh my SCARRrrr. BOO YOU, WIZARD BOY. ACT BETTER.

Also I've finally gotten around to learning the difference between "ie" and "eg", I realize I have been mis-using both on several occasions and will do everything in my power to stop from this moment on. For the record, "ie" stands for "id est" in Latin and means "that is" so it should be used for specifying, whereas "eg" is for providing an example, "exempli gratia" or "for the sake of providing an example."

Anyway. Lately, I have been wondering about people. I mean, what makes some people so much more interesting than others? You know what I'm saying? There are those token people who know SO much about some things and are articulate and passionate about their interests, and are able to spread the wealth in this way. You can TELL that they're smart and gonna get somewhere. Then there are some people who are less so, not saying they're not as interesting or intellectual or whatever but it just takes a little more digging to find the 3D in them. Does this have to do with our childhoods or something? Why are some people so much more...accessible at a surface level than others? Curious.

A point I stumbled upon during a late night (lost) drive: security with self comes from knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Agree? Disagree?

As far as I know...well. I'm certain that I know my weaknesses and strengths for the most part, but discoveries continue to be made. Hard-boiling eggs, for instance: weakness. There you go. I guess for a long time in my life I expected myself to be good at everything and considered it a personal failure when/if I did not perform as well as I had imagined. Slowly I am learning to accept my ridiculous flaws and understanding that that makes me who I am. Knowing your weak points is always good, sometimes because it gives you something to work on...but also sometimes because you know that's just how you are and ain't nothin gonna change it.

Like I mentioned earlier I watched ice skating today on TV. There was a little mini interview with Elvis Stojko and he was talking about how he took a break for a couple years and went biking and traveling and came out with a CD (!?!?) and then stepped back on the ice and felt...refreshed. Like it was day one and he was in love with being on the ice again, and everything was new and fantastic. ELVIS STOJKO YOU PARALLEL MY LIFE.

Sad because I left my skates in NorCal.

goodbye optimism

OH MY GOD, I just had the most stressful two hours of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me but I really, really can NOT approach strangers. It puts me so outside of my comfort zone and makes me perspire unattractively and get all tense and nervous and seriously today, I felt like I was gonna hurl not once but TWICE! Once in French for unknown reasons and once after overthinking and feeling weird and judged and creepy and blEHHEhhh.

So my Lit Jrn teacher assigned us a "stranger interview" in which we have to find a random stranger and ask them about their life, get a couple of key points and moments that stand out to them.

I sat in Panera with my friend for 1.5 hours eying potential interviewees and chewing on my straw. No success there, I just got even more tangled up in this frustration and lack of self-confidence type deal that is attacking me like the FLU right now. Seriously, I need a prescription for this disease because I (think I am) better than this. Usually. Sometimes. Under the right circumstances.

Right now is just SO NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm okay talking to random people about things like shampoo and cookies, cause that's like common ground. But right off the bat asking an utter stranger for an interview? Not my cup of tea. And add in that I have to DIG and ask them about personal details of their life and ask for contact info and stuff like that for absolutely NO REASON AT ALL...it is just overwhelming and pointless and I am really just not good at this. I don't even see the point! Really.

Then we went to Target and I tried to interview this one guy and he totally shot me down. I take all rejections somewhat personally, that is just how I am, so yes, right now my tiny ego could probably balance on the head of a pin.

Top it all off with the fact that some douche biker hit my friend's car while we were in it and then proceeded to flip us off twice. TWICE. WHYYY. WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU? And yes, again, I am taking this a little personally, because it was just so incredibly rude! WHO DOES THAT!?

Okay. Logical side of me (which is still here, somehow, though quite diminished) tells me that this is all bogus and I am just being crazy. Snap out of it, get a tougher skin if you're ever going to succeed in the sharktank of life. Especially if you're gonna be a journalist.

DO I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS ANYWAY?! OH LAWD.

Um, good news good news......just so this blog isn't a veritable breeding ground for bad moods and grouchy thoughts...

-my check that UCI lost should be coming for me within the next two days

-I bought new eyeliner...if this bad mood continues I am going to be very veryyy poor...

THAT'S IT. How am I supposed to finish this assignment? Should I just binge-eat myself into a lull and then just choke on a pecan or something and then die fat and lonely and without having even completed ONE homework assignment successfully? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm making really good salad for dinner. REALLY, REALLY GOOD SALAD.

hello awkward life

Do you ever have one of those days when things are just OVERWHELMING? And these are like regular random things, like seeing people. Being near humans. Being near large quantities of regular, living human.

Today was all over the place. Yeah, coming back to school after a three-week lapse is bound to be a little strange, but I highly doubt that what I experienced today could be considered normal.

Let's start with French class. First off can I just say that three weeks, though it is apparently not enough time to forget about some things, seems to be JUST enough time to forget about 10 weeks worth of the French language. I stood there getting really nervous and awkwardly perspiring with my confused face on (this is not cute) as she blabbered on in French. I felt like I SHOULD have known what she was saying, and okay I really should have known what she was saying, but I just sat there listening and randomly caught her saying things like "today" and "you ask" and great things like that. Luckily for me my skills at piecing together sentences were...also not intact. Fail.

Lunch was a nice catch up session with J. After almost (unintentionally) stealing our pizzas, we caught up and talked about study abroad, winter break, tattoos, random people, etc. SO overall quite a success minus the three people who passed by and STARED at me, it was SO WEIRD. DID I HAVE PIZZA ON MY FACE? DID A BIRD POOP ON MY HAIR? I am not some exhibition creature guys, girls eat pizza too okay?! I thought this was like a known fact but APPARENTLY NOT.

Then I went to English. Here finally I was out-awkwarded by my TA who seemed to be a little overwhelmed at teaching this class of thirty students. Really, I would not be worried. I mean, one guy came in wearing crocs. I'm sorry, I would not be intimidated of this.

Okay I'm just kidding. Footwear really does not tell you anything about how smart someone is (he's probably a genius who doesn't have enough time to match regular-people shoes to his outfit because he's busy tying guns to trees with Al Gore in the fight against global warming -- SNL anyone??!!?).

Anyway. She was semi-nervous which made me feel a LITTLE better, cause my heart rate was up and my palms were sweaty (knees weak, arms are heavy) from running around a completely undiscovered area of campus trying to find my damn English class. REALLY, who schedules English classes in the Computer Science building? COME ON PEOPLE.

Afterwards I met up with Monique and my crazy found an outlet. Awkwardly ran into people and just pretended to NOT, kept laughing at things that were not funny in order to pretend that I actually have a life and/or sense of humor as I passed said awkward persons. Also I learned a new yoga pose (?) that is kind of like the fetal position, face down on the floor. It was fun, I like to think it helped me zen out after my crazy but then again, I'm not so sure. Monique says it helps cause your center of gravity is very close to the ground or your core or SOMETHING, I wasn't really listening, I was making puppy/dinosaur noises and thinking about taping my fingers together to see how it would feel to be a T-rex. Do I have ADD?

Open windows are also great, I've decided.

example one:

S and I are sitting in a car and two guys walk buy. Guy one does a double take.

S: HE TOTALLY DID A DOUBLE TAKE

C: IT'S CAUSE I'M HAAAAWT

S: YOU KNOW IT GIRL

C: EW LOOOK HE JUST SPIT WHAT A NASTYYYY

S: shit the window's open.

Yeah I'm pretty sure he heard us, and yes we do speak in Caps Lock in regular life.

example two:

M and I are driving by the bus stop and we see D there.

C: D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

car screeches to a stop.

M: D!!!!! D! D! D!!!!!!!!!!!

D waves.

car speeds off

We are non-awkward, I love it.

Open windows are great.

And today I went to Target and I did NOT buy chocolate! OR really cute wall hangings! OR makeup! Except I did buy makeup.

Anyway, I closed off the crazy day by eating leftover Thai food and blasting the greatest hits of pop music whilst singing obnoxiously loud with my lovely roommate. We also made THE MOST DELICIOUS GUACAMOLE EVER, seriously this guaco was ahhh-mazing. And we watched Sex & The City. All in all a rather uneventfully eventful day, if you catch my drift.

And yeah I decided that I need a little time before I can be integrated back into college society. Today, I was just really off my rocker. It was so weird. Funny, but weird.

It just felt weird to be back. Weird to be another face in the crowd that nobody really gives a hoot about. Maybe that was why I was so weird today, it was some sort of sad effort at separating myself from the masses. Well it definitely worked, I'm pretty sure the amount of people who think I am probably crazy has doubled since I set foot on campus at 10:30 this morning. All in a day's work.

Monique summed it up pretty well -- I was just overwhelmed. By people, "feelings", study abroad, the mystery of my missing check, housing, people I don't like, classes I am waitlisted for, being a failure at French, my ethernet not working, oh crap I need to turn in my rent. EVERYTHING. This must be how babies feel when they are birthed into this strange world of adult-sized people saying things that they don't understand and living lives that they don't understand. I'm a fetus guys.

It was also weird that I saw pretty much EVERYONE today. Everyone being, people I wasn't aware that I would run into. Yeah there are lots of people here to run into. I don't know, just imagine every single emotion you have EVER felt, and then imagine feeling them ALL at the same time, and then you pretty much have my day. Wild huh?

Oh and the greatest tidbit maybe. I ran to the bus just as the doors closed and screeched (seriously screeched, you know I make weird noises): NOOOooOooOOOO!

The driver opened it and said, "well, that works." So, semi-embarrassed, I thumped up the stairs and saw someone really familiar looking sitting in the first seat. "Hey!" he said. "HEYYYY," I said, smiling, and then proceeded to the back of the bus. It wasn't till I plopped myself down that I realized it was STEAK BOYYYY. HAHAHA I guess sometimes people who take you on nine hour dates don't really leave a lasting impression? What is WRONG with me.

Anywho. Hopefully life will settle down a little bit in the coming days, I'd like to not feel so alien and strange all the time. Or maybe I'll just stay this hyper and crazy, it's fun for everyone. If you think about it there are only 50 days this quarter, cause 10 weeks times 5 days of class is 50, and then subtract today and some random day we have off and it's 48 days!!! Isn't that uplifting!?!? 48 more days of awkward life!!! I'm excited!!!

ebert & roeper style

Two thumbs up to magazine arrivals in the mail. Taylor on the cover of InStyle, Blake on the cover of Nylon, and SJP (iffffy, but okay) on the cover of Elle? I am QUITE satisfied.

One thumb up to mushroom/spinach/cheese quesadillas. My vegetarianism continues successfully......but yes I am feenin for an in-n-out burger or some kbbq. SIGH.

Two thumbs up to the strengthening of the Nexxus of Spite.

Two thumbs up to me dragging my sleepy ass out of bed at 9:15, 45 minutes later than usual, and still managing to make it to class on time, even though I looked like I fell down the rabbit hole. Can this get three thumbs up actually? I'm really proud of myself.

One thumb up to having great conversations/super chill visits with friends I click-click-click with. Insight, injuries, laughter and discussion galore...but only one thumb up because I intended to stay for an hour and ended up staying for three.

Two thumbs up for people I can be weird around. People who enjoy my cross-eyed dinosaur faces and my french-fry lovin habits. My fondness for weirdness GROWS AND GROWS. From anthro: "anthropology teaches us that people do weird things but they don't do them randomly. They have their reasons...their behavior follows a pattern. It has an internal logic." ...two big thumbs up for internal logic. heh.

One thumb up to John Mayer's CD, Battle Studies. And for actually downloading off the music thread in general, YAY.

No thumbs up to my final tomorrow. Actually one thumb up cause I really DGAF about this class (hah, future major maybe) and plus it's just another one to get through.

Two thumbs up to DISNEYLAND THIS FRIDAY!!! PLUS a Disneyland pass?!? PLEASE let this work.....I'm getting my other digits involved into this bullet point and crossing all my fingers.

No thumbs up to everyone and their dog being sick, even my friend's computer got a virus (ha, ha, ha......)

One thumb up to plans for baking cupcakes next Wednesday: planning on trying out recipes for gingerbread cupcakes or peppermint cupcakes or something holiday-like...

One thumb up to crafty creative thoughts about gift-wrapping and gift-purchasing and wishlists. Only one thumb because I have not the bank account to afford to wrap my gifts so lavishly or even purchase the items I wish I could for the dear ones in my life.

No thumbs up to discovering that UCI = high school, sans parents.

One thumb up to endless apricot blossom green tea addiction. This would get two thumbs up except for the fact that it swellllls my bladder and makes me pee in public restrooms, which I HATE.

No thumbs up to my messy messy room, you can hardly see the floor. And my laundry awaits.

No thumbs up to SHITTT it's 2:00 time to actually get work done......bye.

who we are is simply who we can be

Really? Really, is this identity crisis still going on? I'm dragging it out, maybe intentionally, forcing myself into this dark little hole and hoping to figure out whether or not I can emerge as a put-together butterfly or just stumble out and be the awkward little caterpillar.

I realize I have a hard time being myself. There are very few people that I am truly comfortable around, and even with that, I'm only really truly 100% comfortable around well, myself. When I'm alone and undisturbed. I suppose that's true for everyone...it's just that my public persona and private persona tend to differ so much that I find it hard to balance and still be comfortable when I'm around people. This is hardly making sense, even to me.

I had a nice Veterans' day -- C, M, and I ventured to Costa Mesa and checked out a revolving sushi restaurant. Can I just say that I am officially a huge fan of revolving sushi? Those little plates of 2-3 bucks a pop are rather deceiving though, I ended up spending around $20 including tax and tip so it's NOT THAT CHEAP. No judgement please. But definitely intending to visit much more often, maybe once I save some money.

Over Godzilla rolls and other various DELCIOUS sushi morsels, we talked about what's going on in our lives -- new love interests, old love interests, nonexistant love interests (that was me, lol). C seems like a really wise person. She said that some couples didn't know how to be friends, because they start off on a romantic note instead of basing their relationship off of friendship. It seems like it makes sense to me, although I'm sure it's not always the case.

But that got me thinking. How do we know how to be friends at all? With anyone? Is there some sort of unknown recognition when you look someone in the eyes and realize that you're embarking upon a journey towards getting to know them better, and getting to be comfortable around them? Is there some moment when you subconsciously decide that you are "friends" and then just continue on that way?

For me friendship is an acceptance of one anothers quirks. A knowledge of it, maybe even an expectation of it. And you like the person's weirdness enough to want to hang around a little bit and watch this personality play out and interact with yours.

Tough cookies, though. We can't have quirk resumes and list the little things about us as a person that sets us apart. You can't go around asking people to list off the top of their head the things that make them weird and different from everyone else. Hell, if someone asked me what sets me apart, I would have no effing clue. Blank stare.

I think this goes with my weird comfort thing. It takes me a (really?) long time to get comfortable around someone and start being able to be myself. Usually, I feel that I am just awkward and fake and censored and boring and uncomfortable, among a slew of other MLEHh adjectives. It's because I don't want to offend or alienate, right from the start. Maybe I'm a perennial people-pleaser and just try to make everyone happy and make everyone like me and make everyone think I'm funny, or something. Dammit, am I that insecure?? (Answer: probably.) But seriously, how are they going to know the real me if the person I introduce myself as is often a far throw from the person that I am when I'm comfortable?

So I realize...I need to stop being afraid of stepping on toes. Like M, just to be as YOU as possible and disregard how weird you come off to the other person. Yes, send them LOLCATS bumper stickers even if you met them just a couple days before. Yes, tell them that you just texted them from the toilet. And yes, tell them honestly what is going through your mind at that very moment. And like H said so long ago, who the fuck cares if they don't like you?

That's my goal for this week, I suppose. Being more honest to who I am...aka being the weird person that I can be. When I'm weird it's probably cause I'm just going with my brainwaves. I need to stop second guessing myself and my actions and just go with it, stop holding myself back for fear of losing some. You'll never have them all.

But then again, right now I just feel like the most mundane and boring sack of human to ever walk the face of this earth.

Also it has been brought to my attention that people are surprised to find out that I'm smart. Smart relative to what, I don't know, but it takes a midterm grade or an SAT score to get them to double back and say "Whoa. You're smart?"

Which leaves me with my awkward face on. Heh...no...modest shrug, change topic. But yeah, do I come across as an idiot or something? Is it really surprising to these people that I can be this girl who makes corny jokes and laughs at anything, but also get good grades and be a litttttle book smart? It seems like nobody is giving me this chance to show them my 3-d self. Face value = Chery likes to eat, can make people laugh, etc, boring boring boring.

It makes me wonder about how people think of each other. Being me, I have unusually high expectations for...well...everyone I meet, basically. I know it's stupid. But it's like innocent until proven guilty -- you are smart and funny and interesting until you prove to me that you're some airheaded dumbass douchebag with a lousy sense of humor. Also I realize I tend to wait for people to prove me wrong, and I linger as I try to watch personalities appear.

I feel like I'm starting to sound really creepy and weird. HAHA...I'm just a people watcher I guess. People have always interested me, and now I might even minor in anthropology. As of right now though, I have to study the currents and wind patterns of planet Earth. JOY TO THE WORLD.

happy halloween mnonkin fabkers

I hate to overuse a cliche but okay, shitshow for sure.

Started off the night at Chipotle! FREE BURRITOS WHAT! The crew I went with ended up going back for seconds...and thirds. NOT FAT, I SWEAR. But yeah I only had 1.3 burritos so whatever y'allll! In retrospect Halloween weekend was like, the worst weekend EVER when caloric intake is concerned.
-five! five dollar footlong! I ate it in...basically one sitting...hahaha.
-burrrrritos YEE
-Del Taco. GOTTA LOVE IT, chicken soft taco, you are my best friend. Fried jalapeno rings, not feelin you as much.
-shots shots shots shot-shot-shots ERRRRBODDDYYY
So fat. SO, so fat. I should really just go back to dating the gym. (Elliptical, I love you, I'm sorry, let's give this a second chance. It could really work this time.)

Then I went to Newport Beach for "Nightmare on 29th"... I don't even know how to start so I will just...list things.

-hoes hoes hoes - the man version, as well as probably some girl versions too LOL. (My annoying side came out as I decided to document lap dances and face-licking of all sorts)
-and drunks. Drunks drunks drunks EVERYWHERE. Horny kind, loud kind, hand-holding kind (LOL), apparently the angry kind...and then just...more drunk people added into the mix. Drunk Tigger with ears askew, drunk Scot in kilt, drunk Donkey Kong, etc etc. Tranny messes, all of you.
-probably dropped my phone a thousand more times, because now it is even MORE crappy and broken-looking, and click-y. THIS IS NOT HOW MY PHONE SHOULD BE, IT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN THREE MONTHS!
-was force fed a shot out of NOWHERE, while I was in the middle of talking. Basically I guess he just poured it into my mouth when I was saying something, I'm guessing something like "WOW" cause you open your mouth big for that one. K I'm gonna stop talking.
-apparently someone punched in the side of a car and then spent the night in the drunk tank.
-also, apparently someone got STABBED on 29th street too...yeah wtfz guys
-basically gave this guy (who flaked on me, which is like #1 offense) shit all night, and punched him with my gold cuff YES. Mission accomplished. But it's okay, because
-he ended up peeing his pants later, HAHAHA!!!!!!! More ON than IN, BUT STILL!!! HAHAHA!!!
-sang along/dance partied to Taylor Swift with the guy who ended up in the drunk tank later
-then found Taylor Swift downstairs
-also met a girl scout and then proceeded to recite the oath whilst pouring Captain Mo, oh how far we have come.
-felt like I was back in Asia because it was literally 938472387 degrees in the house, plus sweaty humidity, so basically I felt like I was inhaling a mixture of BO and alcohol all night, which was definitely a highlight. NO.
-I made a Jewish friend named MITCH!
-someone randomly picked me up as a big sis, which is funny because 1. neither of us are affiliated because we both de-pledged/deferred and because 2. just wtf HAHAHA...oh well he offered me lunch so I will be taking advantage of this accordingly
-got hit on (?????) by very drunk/very taken boy...LOL but I dodged that bullet whew
-and got hugged a lot, which I really was not enjoying, because I mean, it was 23984793874 degrees in there, do we really need to share our body warmth? Really? Come on guys.

Then we stopped by another party for about two minutes, with one minute being devoted to me emptying my bladder.

THEN we came back to my apartment complex and played some beer pong (which I really do not remember).
-apparently I was talking hella shit to nobody but my own partner. TEAMWORK FTW. But it's okay because
-I DID NOT TROLL. One cup made, accomplishment I would say, especially considering my state of being...hahaha NTS, do not play this game when very drunk

And then I don't remember coming back to my apartment but...I MADE IT SAFE AND SOUND!

Good costumes I saw:
-JUNO & PAULIE BLEEKER!!! I took a picture of her belly. In retrospect that might be semi-awkward but do I care? No. Also this was funny because some guy thought she was ACTUALLY pregnant and mentioned that it might be harmful to her unborn baby to be downing that many shots, LOL.
-IDK, but there is a picture of some guy's nipple on my camera.......good.
-TAYLOR SWIFT! (: as mentioned before.
-there were a lot of babies. And just...naked people. Well, I mean, Mean Girls hit on an immortal truth: Halloween is the only time a girl can dress like a slut and not be judged for it. Apparently the rule applies to guys as well. But really, being naked is not a costume. I'm sorry.
-DeadMaus woooo
-"drunk all the time". He made a shirt with pictures of himself highly inebriated, that said "wanted by the FBI for being DRUNK ALL THE TIME" or something like that. Oh yeah this is the guy who I Taylor Swift-ed with and also the guy who punched in the side of the car and ended up in the drunk tank. So I guess his costume wasn't really a costume, more of a...real life identity type thing. HAHA.
-TOOL! He had a hat shaped like a wrench and then a shirt that said tool, I LOLed.
-some guy was an angel, I LOLed again.
-cute high school couple - football player and cheerleader. The football guy came in FULL GEAR. Those shoulder pads were NOT FUN to stand next to, especially when he turned abruptly and whacked my face
-then you got your regular crew of tramps and nerds, workout people and guys in corsets (which is REALLY not pretty, or even that funny, if you ask me)

But I'm not ragging on other peoples costumes, because okay, I don't even know what I was...basically people asked me what I was, and I just said "you tell me." So responses I got:
-Pocahontas (okay, this is initially what I wanted to be, but I totally thought I ditched that idea when I found this ridiculously shiny $8 dress at Buffalo Exchange. Apparently not, though? So I guess I win..)
-Cleopatra (that's the one I was planning on sticking with)
-Greek goddess
-shiny piece of shit. No, I kid. But yeah whatever.
-"pretty". HAHAHA......awkward, bye.

Also I was very unaware of how drunk texty I am.
-I REALLY MISS YOU HOME PEOPLE. Sorry to Neri for getting the full brunt of my drunken homesickness. Also my first text reads "I breally ahev to pee rght now." So thanks Neri...for reading about the state of my bladder....yeeeeah.
-Thanks to Tim who basically made my night with this piece of quality texting: "Ur a mnonkin fabker baller ! luqo" (WHAT IS LUQO? But "mnonkin fabker" is definitely entering my daily vocabulary)
-"RAPE RAPE RAPE" (?!?!?!)
-"Woowowww m drunk when id this haoppen." (Self, please stop texting. And the time stamp reads 1:45 AM, so I guess there is your answer.)
-at least that was a change from 12:01 AM, "I need to bhe more drunkk"
-then to Nate: "Hoep youre having a better night than me. Fuck," -- was I telling him to get some action?? (; HAHAHA just kidding friends
-1:46 is when I wanted to be back in the CPT I suppose. "Im drinkk take me home )))):::" That is really a scary smiley face, four mouths and three sets of eyes. Monsters really do come out on Halloween. But I guess this is still better than the hoards of emoticon-overusers :D :D :D :D :D :P :P :P :P :P ;) ;) who once texted me on a daily basis before I non-subtly snipped them out of my inbox and life.

So yeah, I woke up around 10 this morning still in full costume, just...on my bed. Must say it was kind of surprising but at the same time very relieving. Lol. Cleaned up, went to Del Taco & de-briefed the night...and now a full day of homework and school business to deal with. And yeah, apparently I KO'ed while listening to Super Mash Bros, so add that to the list of other random music I fall asleep to (NERD). HOLLA, MUSIC THREAD.

identity

I feel as though I don't know my own identity, but others seem to.

Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)

I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.

But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.

Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.

Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.

Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.

He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)

Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.

Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.

So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.

Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.

After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.

I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).

SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?

Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.

Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.

So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.

The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.

I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.

So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.

Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?

I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.

So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.

But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.

I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.

"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."

NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.

Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.

On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."

I was pretty thrilled.

no thing, nothing

So guys. Monday is apparently wake-up call day, Chery doesn't have a thing day.

That's right. A thing. Especially now, it's noticeable. People have THINGS...C has her dance/photo/fashion thing, A has the architecture and the dance thing, N has his political thing, T has his biology business, M has the music thing...need I continue? Oh it's not only home people who have things (I hope you don't feel like I'm pointing fingers), UCI people have more things. Seriously everyone and their mother AND their dog is pledging for a sorority/fraternity (not that I'm jealous) but that counts as a thing!!! M has her SPOP/being friends with everybody thing, J has like a thousand different things, all of which are resume boosting AND enjoyable for her, S has freakin TRIATHLON CLUB...where does this leave me?? THING LESS!!! I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE GYMMMMM.

At least I have TRIED things...right? Sorority thing? Tried it for a week, wasn't for me. Lots of frustration and confusion on my part there but a good and worthwhile experience when it all comes down to it. And it's taught me to grow up as a person too.

So what makes me notice, even more tonight than ever before, that I don't have a thing?? Well, I ran into a summer friend on the bus today, and he managed to convince me to go to a dance workshop. So I went. I was pretty psyched, I was like, YES, I did one boogiezone class over the summer, a couple hiphop classes last year, flight school in Meher's garage, TOTALLY legit. It was like, time to get back on the dance crack!! YES. I thought I could easily make dance my thing. I mean, everyone here dances. Not that hard, right?

Fast forward about one hour, Chery = chopped and screwed. Not in the good way. Yeah okay so maybe I shouldn't have gone back to the dance crack by diving head first into a workshop for PROS. It's like after you have a hangover you go out again and then start the night by taking 10 shots in a row, BAM, no bueno. Okay that didn't really make sense BUT I think you get my jist.

Yeah so it was a pretty demeaning hour. I felt about one inch tall. And lemme tell ya, there were like PEOPLE I KNOW there, and I talked to them, so they KNOW I went. This was none of the James Bond under-the-radar secretly training to be Ciara type shit, this was like OH HEY YOU'RE HERE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DANCED, COOL. Yeah I don't dance guys. And they didn't believe me either, so when I failed it was like, "wow she wasn't being modest, she does suck." And since they all know I was there, cause I talked to them (mistake) they also all know that I left about 2 hours early...

But HONESTLY swear to GOD, I thought the girl said "bathroom run!" In actuality she said "back to front" which is why everyone started shuffling around and rearranging. You can see how that would be confusing right? But yeah I saw it as an opportunity to roll out, cause come on, that was not really where I was meant to be at that moment in time. Plus my friend was like hardcore hating her life right then and I felt supersuper bad for dragging her with me on my druggie quest for dance crack...so yeah we peaced out. Not a shining moment for me because leaving involved walking past the front of the basketball courts...where everyone was facing, trying to learn this super legit piece...yeaaaah.

High five self, at least I tried, RIGHT?

So, dance. NOT MY THING.

I went home and cooked myself six potstickers, extra browned and crispy and delicious, to make myself feel better. All the while I vented to my roomie about how I don't have a thing. So then I segmented off my life into past things and future things and present things.

THINGS I ONCE HAD
-the ice skating thing. Can't really go back to it now, it's just a side thing. Not even really a thing. Even when I actually had it I didn't appreciate it at it's full value, and then I quit, so anyway it's NOT my thing.
-piano thing, again, QUIT. Such a quitter, fml.
-I guess I had the yearbook thing in high school. Again, does not translate into college life.
-Girl Scout. Um...didn't officially quit, just kind of gradually drained it out of my life. Not a thing.

Which leaves me with no things.

THINGS I TRIED TO HAVE
-New U: well, basically, I failed at writing an article for the first week because I'm too busy...killing flies or something. This week there are more pieces that I can write and I am going to strap myself to my chair with the new belt I bought until something worth reading comes out of my fingertips or I sit there long enough until I starve and lose a thousand pounds and slip out from under the belt, whichever comes first.
-Dance: HAAA, see above. I still want this to be a thing in my life but I need baby steps guys! And everyone here is freaking good already so my baby steps are like...lost among their running man steps. HA, reference to a dance "picture" that I semi-learned today, omg, I am being such a poser trying to sound like a pro right now. Moving right along.
-Sorority thing: Can I get a nice, rousing "NAY"? Nay.

Still have nothing.

So what do I do with my life then? REALLY, REALLY? 24 hours a day, and usually I am awake for about at least 14 of them, so what the eff am I doing all day?

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE RECENT PAST:
-overcame my disgust for flies and killed around 4 of them yesterday in a panic-induced killing frenzy spurred by my roommate and friend. Then proceeded to vacuum up the guts and corpses, and then rewarded myself with a pizookie.
-I bought really cute shoes today. I'm wearing them right now, and they are possibly the only things making me happy at this moment in time.
-I had a really delicious breakfast burrito, and now my grocery list includes breakfast burrito ingredients. I also have a new list of movies to see, including one called "Nobody" which is pretty much how I feel right now. Go watch the trailer and then take me to the movie, THANKS.
-I think I got a 3/3 on my quiz today for Earth System Science.....YAAAAAY.

And not much else... I guess...

Okay it has also been brought to my attention that I keep telling people that I'm a journalism major, but I haven't even declared yet, so BASICALLY I've been lying to everyone I've met since Week 0...SORRY GUYS.

Jacki and I tried to figure out what my thing is as she cooked me dessert. When I say dessert, I mean deep fried nutella wrapped in wonton skins and then sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Jacki: I'm not sure if they'll be good...let's just try it and then pretend this never happened if they suck.
Chery: Jacki. They have chocolate, sugar, and are deep fried. They HAVE to be good. Rule of nature.
And then after that we kind of died and stopped talking cause we were busy stuffing our faces.

Anyway, trying to figure out my thing...
Jacki: You like reading!! That's a thing!!
Chery: JACKI. ANYONE CAN READ. THAT'S NOT MY THING.

But yeah, things that I AM good at include...
-reading. WOOOO
-eating, especially fried things or sweet things, or salty things. Or all of the above.
-spending unnecessary money on unnecessary items, like good clothes or good food.
-venting
-making fun of people, probably. Verbally or mentally...sneakily or otherwise.
-procrastinating (like what I'm doing now)
-making lists.
-...texting

and surprise, surprise, these are ALL THINGS that basically ANY human being on this whole Earth can do. So basically I'm a non-unique waste of oxygen. Haaa...

I think my problem is I just can't commit to things. Maybe I should just pick a thing, and stop flirting with too many things, and then openly ask the thing to be in a relationship with me, and then change my status on facebook, and then spend all my time with this thing such that people will say, "Oh, Chery? Yeah, she's that girl! She has that _____ thing."

I mean, as of right now, I don't even know how people classify me. Not that I want to be classified, but I especially don't want to be known as thing-less girl, or be defined by who I hang out with. "Oh, Chery? Yeah she's always with that SPOP/dance/Frat/Sorority girl/boy."

But no. I fail at committing to things in general. I will have lunch with you later this week but I will probably forget who you are by the end of the month. So how am I supposed to pick a thing and love that thing for ever and ever??? I freaking get tired of my outfit by the end of the day, dammit.

I don't even want any sympathy right now, don't tell me I'm not a failure. JUST TELL ME I'M A FAILURE, maybe then I'll get a move on and DO something about it for once, instead of vent to my three online readers. And DON'T EVEN say the "writing thing" because one, I have been lying to people about that being my major, two, the only writing I do right now is blogging which hardly counts and making lists of things to do which counts even less, and then copying lecture notes which counts the least because I'm hardly even thinking as I sit there vacuously copying slide after slide, and three I haven't even written an article for the New U yet, and let me be frank, it's not like it's a huge struggle to do. I just...haven't. If writing was my thing I'd have churned out like a thousand articles by now and been crowned unofficial staff writer of the month.

SIGH. It's fine. This is an optimistic kind of depression... and thus begins the search for my thing. At least I don't have swine flu, having swine flu as your thing is worse than having no thing at all. Praise the skies.

celebrity

In-N-Out was the place to be on Monday night, especially if you're usually a person who sits in front of their computer on Monday nights.

All under one roof: AJ Rafael, Christine "Happy Slip", Kev Jumba, Uncle Same, Scott Yoshimoto, Cathy Nguyen, Paul Dateh, Phil Wang and Wesley Chan. The youtube generation -- made it big on the interweb and gained fans by posting videos. Fans who now flock to events to see their Internet crushes in the flesh.

I went to a concert to raise awareness for Hepatitis B among Asian Americans. Performers included AJ Rafael, Kev Jumba, Happy Slip, Paul Dateh, and Kaba Modern. A pretty great show when it all comes down to it.

The thing that got to me most was how they came by their stardom. They all pretty much had the same humble roots and chanced upon this new youtube culture that is steadily gaining momentum and bursting forward into a new medium of pop culture. These artists are known mostly through their online persona -- youtube, twitter, facebook, what have you. What a strange world when fame starts on such a personal scale. It's a weird kind of celebrity, I guess...because it takes one to know one. One youtube junkie to recognize another. One talented artist to spend the time in front of the computer posting videos, and a distant fan spending the time to watch and listen, comment and subscribe.

Then the relationship that sprouts from that is weird as well. They're not used to fame, I don't think they expected it. It's still the beginning stages of "stardom" I guess you could say, blinking in the light of the flashbulbs and unable to turn down an offer. Still eager for fans and recognition, appreciative of support and encouraging more turnout. I guess it's a stage where they still HAVE to be nice. They're not famous enough or successful enough to turn down fans. Their reputation as an artist isn't developed enough for them to be selfish. So I must assume that it is incredibly taxing -- to keep smiling for photographs, keep talking and promoting, keep signing scooters...when all you really want is a damn burger and some peace and quiet.

I could never be famous. I used to dream of the glitz and glamour and people yelling my name and wanting my autograph. But now I know I'd never be able to deal with that kind of attention, I'd never be able to consistently be the STAR that everyone wants to see. I have my breakdowns and moments when I don't want to be anyone at all. And I guess I'd have to admit that I'm selfish enough to submit to these momentary emotional instabilities.

So as I discussed with Joyce as we nibbled our late night egg rolls, it's much better to be successful and well-known than famous and well-recognized. People who work behind the scenes still get the importance and influence as famous people do, but they don't get the swarms of eager fans, because fans don't really know what they look like. They get to eat their burgers in peace.

When I was younger I wished I had an instantly displayable talent. Things I did -- ice skating, piano, writing -- required some special arena or instrument. I couldn't just whip out a talent in the middle of the blacktop at recess like some singer could. I couldn't sprint around the track at warp speed, I couldn't do a backflip in the middle of the auditorium. I needed a rink or a piano or some kind of essay or piece to showcase my "talent".

Now I guess it's not such a bad thing. As a writer I could have influence, and perhaps even change the way people think and perceive the world. But I don't necessarily have to be physically recognized. I could write from the safety of my bedroom, growing nostril hairs to the tip of my chin with my head of hair uncombed and greasy and the world would probably never know. I could be the spitting image of the mean witch in Snow White, but nobody would really care as long as I wrote well enough. My picture could just be some outdated, photoshopped, airbrushed picture to be stamped at the head of a column every single week.

So I have a great deal of admiration for these people. They know what the public wants to see and they are able to cater to that, 24/7. It's not just when they're on stage. So major props to them.

I guess because of this, and because I wonder if they are happy with this chanced-upon fame, I get shy when I talk to them. I admire them so much, have so much to ask them about how they got to where they are, but usually I just clam up, ask for a picture, and then sidle away. I don't want to be a bother, and I'm unsure whether or not they're being honest when they say they don't mind. Who am I to keep them talking to me?

But I guess this is a skill I need to work on. I watched as some of my friends joked around with Paul Dateh -- as if he were a real person!! Unthinkable!! They even invited him to In N Out for a milkshake and I tagged along, at a loss of words and at the same time not wanting to seem like some dumb groupie. But yeah I'm definitely missing that aggressive/personable factor that turns people from celebrities to neighbors. Something I need to work on. I think it's a confidence thing.

---

Something else I struck upon tonight as I discussed Greek life with Omar. It's important to think about your place in the world from a 360 degree view. Who are you looking up to, who is looking up to you? Who is next to you, going through the same things that you are going through?

During my one week as a Greek (I can't get over this cheesy rhyme) I looked at the girls in the sororities and saw girls I could look up to, girls who could be like big sisters, to be asked advice and to be admired. I saw girls who I could be friends with, to discuss current problems and solve them side by side. And I even saw girls who I felt like I could be a leader for. When you find all three I guess it's a good match because you can grow in all directions.

Applying this theory to everyday life and the friends that I have now, I realize it's quite the same. People I talk to every day are people I look up to and want to emulate. There are people who are right beside me going through the same things that I am dealing with. And there are people beside me who I feel that I can offer guidance to. I think a balance between these three is what makes life interesting, because then it's not always the same thing being expected of you.

welcome back & being yourself

Time for a recap of the wild normality of my life in the past week, as well as whats coming up.

I love welcome week at UCI. Seeing everyone out and about and having the campus be an actual bustling hub is such a nice change from the usual shuttling about to class. And sure the interactions consist of lots of "please come rush for us" but it's a lot more interesting than the rest of the school year.

Anteater Involvement Fair was on Monday, so I signed up for Fashion Interest Group, Yearbook, and some Anteater Review magazine. I'm hoping to have lunch with my friend aka the editor of the UCI paper sometime soon so I can write for them too. Til then I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for them to email me and tell me to come to meetings. I can't wait to be involved at UCI and feel some sort of purpose.

The week has been blisteringly hot. Just today I stepped out of my apartment after a cold shower with my hair still wet, and as soon as I emerged into the 100 degree heat I swear to you my head started steaming. It was weird.

Star Trek was showing last night at the park; in all honesty I found it quite boring but I always like mellowing out at nighttime so it was still nice. Then today the Jakes, Rootbeer, and Shiny Toy Guns performed out on the lawn, which was REALLY fun. Although I was pretty damn exhausted from doing who knows what all day it was still really entertaining. Definitely check out Rootbeer -- they're like a non-annoying,
more articulate & stylish version of LMFAO.

Afterwards, we went to my friends place and met up with her roommate, who is astoundingly self-assured and confident of who she is. It was really inspiring and at the same time a little intimidating; I wonder at why I'm not as sure of myself as she is. She's a really interesting person, a very commanding presence, as M so accurately describes.

Anyway, we talked a lot about various things but a topic that came up and was repeatedly emphasized was the importance of being yourself. Not so hard, right? Should be pretty simple.

BUT going into the next few days this is something I'm really going to have to keep in mind. H said be yourself 100% and if they don't like it, fuck them, you don't want to hang out with them anyway.

So I'm definitely keeping this in mind, since the coming days are gonna be dedicated Panhellenic Sorority Recruitment. I signed up after some deliberation and decided that it would be an experience worth retelling and would probably give me some valuable knowledge about myself as well as others, and the functioning of the social scene at UCI.

The recruitment orientation was today and it was packed. Filled to capacity with girls, chatty girls in summery clothes, French manicures and perfect makeup. Needless to say it was pretty overwhelming. Tomorrow starts the first day of rush: check-in is at 4:00pm and the events go on until 11pm. Visiting all nine houses, and then before I leave I have to narrow my options down to seven.

Do I really intend on joining a sorority? No. For a number of reasons, monetary as well as more personal reasons. But I realize I can't really judge and say I don't belong until I've tried it out at the very least. Talking to H really emphasized this to me, she's not a typical sorority girl in any way and yet she still found a place within all the stereotypes.

Not much is making sense right now, words are falling out whichever way they please. Tomorrow is the first day of school as well as the faculty/staff/student sit-in, which means that 2/3 of my classes are cancelled. But I still have to write an extra credit piece on what a UC education means to me, as well as sign up for ASUCI tomorrow and check-in for my first French class ever. Which I am absolutely terrified of taking, wish me luck and tutor me please.

Today I also prolonged a tradition with J & J. Venturing into Aldrich Park at the start of last year, J and I found some stone Buddha statue. We rubbed his belly for good luck, hoping for the best that the 08-09 school year could bring us. Today I rubbed his belly again and wondered what changes the next few months would bring, seeing as the past year was a period of such drastic growth that I feel now, that anything could happen.

GOOD NIGHT

an alternate life

Growing up in Indonesia would be so much different from the childhood I had. For one thing, family would be a lot more important to me, and I can see myself being much closer to my parents than I am now. Just being here obviously puts a stronger emphasis on family and already I'm appreciating my family more as I hear stories from the past. Yesterday I sat around the kitchen table with my grandma and my mom, making sweet rice cakes and listening to them retell funny stories of when my mom was little. This seems like such an everyday task but it's something I can only do once every three or four years, and I feel like there's something wrong with that.

Maybe my life would be more solidly grounded in family and in religion if I had grown up here. My aunt talked last night about my older cousin who is dating a Chinese girl, and she said something about religion being a very important factor in deciding who to marry or date. I didn't want to tell her that religion was definitely not an important factor in my life. And it made me wonder how far I fell from the mark -- my mom tried raising me Catholic as she had been raised, but who I am now, in thought and in action, is pretty far from the Catholic girl she tried to raise.

Considering this aspect of religion made me consider everything else about my life in the US. It's easy now to pinpoint the source of all the struggles between me and my parents; it's a cultural barrier that we both can't seem to breach. My sister and I strive for an American lifestyle of independence, freedom, and an exploration of different religions/schools of thought before sticking to one. My parents want us to have the bringing up that they had, centered around family, tradition, and respect for elders, including following their advice in all subject matters.

I'm trying to imagine growing up here. My aunts in Jakarta live in big, well-designed houses, with several nice cars and plenty of helpers and chauffeurs, and send their kids to private schools. My family lives in an apartment with two Hondas, my sister and I are in charge of cleaning the house and my mother does all the cooking. Everyone serves as a chauffeur when available, and my sister and I attended public schools since elementary school.

Had I grown up in Indonesia, would I live in a big house like my cousins did? Would I see them every morning as we get dropped off at the same school? Would I be happier this way, readily accepting and prolonging a tradition of growing up in Indonesia? I can't decide for myself if I would be happier, but I know for a fact that my parents are happier here. They're surrounded by their family and old friends, and aren't treated with the disrespect that foreigners sometimes encounter in the US. Which makes me question why they moved to the US in the first place.

It was a big, courageous move for them, I know. And I have a new-found sense of respect for them when I think of what they left behind. I wonder now if they're satisfied with what they have in the US, and if they ever regret their decision. If they ever look at me and my sister, their Americanized daughters, and regret raising us in the US, so far away from their home and our family.

It does give me a sense of regret. I never really understood where they were coming from, I guess, and during our past visits to Indonesia, I didn't really think about all this; it was just another vacation. I don't know what's different this time, but I guess I'm trying more to appreciate this trip because these visits are so few and far between. I've been listening to my aunts and grandma retell stories and talk about my cousins growing up and all that...and it's left me feeling like I'm missing out, being so far away.

I'd love to be able to watch my cousins grow up and count them among my dearest friends, to talk to my grandma without having to ask my mother to translate a word that I don't understand. I'd love to hang out with my cousins and not feel like such a fish out of water, to not have to feel self conscious about my American-ness and to not have to wonder if they think I'm some stuck-up, spoiled girl from far away.

I don't know. Surrounded by a close-knit family that I'm a distant part of is making me question a lot of my own actions and desires, past and present.

looking back

If you could re-do the past year, would you?

---

A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.

When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.

Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.

There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.

I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?

I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.

friends

How do you know if you are friends with someone?
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.

Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?

I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.

I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.

More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.

I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:

nostalgia

When did our present turn into the past? Is it instantaneous, the second it's over it becomes the past? There are times that feel like just yesterday that I realize are so far gone.

I ran into some old family friends today after lunch. We passed by casually, not recognizing one another after the lapse of not seeing each other for a couple years. Turning around I realized that it really was them, so I caught up with them and WOW what a trip. I remember baby-sitting the two kids, and now they're fourteen and eleven. One of them is taller than my sister, thankfully still shorter than me (just by an inch). She's about to start high school, if you can call it that. She's homeschooling because she is a tennis SUPERSTAR. Caps lock necessary.

Time really flies...we used to see each other a lot, they were like the little siblings I never had. Maybe I'm being extra nostalgic, I just miss those olden days.

And I miss the golden age -- I didn't really think about it until yesterday, high school was pretty outrageous. So many good times, and it felt so unique and fresh. Just the people I surrounded myself with had such a different feel than the people I meet in college. College life can be pretty cookie-cutter at times. Yeah it's fun, but don't we all get tired of it? I'm looking for someone(s) to flip that around and bring back the glory days of high school, except college style. Does that make sense? High school life just felt more interesting.

Maybe college is just a lull. The empty space between the fun of high school and the grind of post-college life. A time to realize your goals, make connections (but not relationships), and start building yourself a foundation. This post is making college sound SO dull, which it really is not...I'm just being nostalgic, I suppose.


<3 Gabe Bondoc.

easy breezy

Today was the last day in SoCal for a while...surprise, coming home a little early! Somehow though, once I dream of leaving, people conjure up reasons to make me stay...birthday parties, beach trips, pool parties (with cabanas!!), social activities galore, all which I THRIVE upon! Too bad my NorCal love affair must resume...I've been away too long and all I really want to do is sit in Meher's garage. Haha, holla!

Anyway, today was an easy-peasy breezy kind of day. I went wherever the wind blew me...well, I went the way the wind was coming from, because I like the wind blowing in my hair that way. I was talking about this with a friend, you look so much better when you're going against the wind than when you're going with it. PARALLEL FOR LIFE, MUCH??? WOW! Moving on.

I had work early in the morning and although it was quite a drag, it was over soon enough. I ran into my ex-RA and we planned a lunch date for a few hours in the future, so I rushed myself home and soon found myself at BCD with Norby & Mo. It was quite the cute catchup, nothing else to say! Then from there I went to Mo's and lazed around for a while, which I am very good at. We went to Newport Beach around 4:30 and chilled in the delicious ocean breeze for a while.

I met someone so funny at the beach. She's HILARIOUS -- a one-woman show. So funny and charismatic and shamelessly herself. She's one of those people I admire and wish to be more like. This might sound kind of creepy. But she's hilarrrrious! I love being around people like that. But at the same time I feel so boring and unsubstantial around her type.

We ended up back at Mo's place after the beach, had a little dinner, had a little fun...and now I'm back at my place, neglecting my packing as I knew I would. Plenty of time for that later!

Something that has come to my attention lately: my wants and actions are quite contradictory. Or rather, my actions do not lead directly to my wants. Instead they twist and tangle, with my intentions only living in my head and not in spoken word. I think I fear getting in people's way, I don't want to leave a "pushy" impression, thus I shy from asking for what I want.

Exhibit A: Last night my time of the month cravings begged for Salsa Verde. My friend told me he would take me to Albertsons but forgot and went without me...Mo insisted on him taking us anyway, and he obliged, but I steadfastly said NO even though my stomach was screaming the opposite. So is this pushover status or a desire to not get in people's way?

And if I don't get in people's ways once in a while, doesn't that mean I'll just be soon forgotten? I feel like I don't leave a lasting impression; I'll be there when you want me but I won't force myself into your life. Easily ignored?

Exhibit B: Some of you may know about my youtube friend. SIGH, I want my T-shirt back...like desperately. But I feel like I'm being naggy and annoying, which I absolutely HATE in others so I'm being less persistent than I would usually be. Is this a pathetic surrender or a polite step back?

ANNNND....there, I hit it. I'm over thinking. Excellent. I will just sit here in my lens-less 3-D glasses (!!!) and continue to ponder the reasons for my lackluster living and ignore my gaping suitcase.

T-minus 12 hours until I'm aboard the beloved Vietnamese bus! Off to do other things to take up time.

alone

"We all need somebody to lean on."
Do we?

I've been a strong proponent/admirer of independence for a very long time. If you can't depend on yourself, then who are you going to depend on? If you can't be happy being a singular self, how can you be happy with someone else? If you can't make it alone, how will you make it at all?

We're not completely alone, however. There are people who trip in and out of our lives, passers by in a personalized journey that you ultimately travel alone. They do bring happiness, they bring security and comfort, they bring a lot of things into your life. But their segment in your life comes to a conclusion soon enough and then they fade, left to be a happy memory. And new people come in to bring happiness/encouragement/intimacy etc. back in. You choose to let them bring that back to you. You pick and choose who comes in and out and what they bring to your door.

So purely alone, but we try so hard to have someone and to surround ourselves with people. Humans are social beings, I accept and embrace that fact, in fact I am living that fact. But I also appreciate and cherish the time when I can be reclusive and utterly alone. My apartment is empty most nights, I enjoy the quiet and the allowances it brings me. Only my light is on and my music is blasting, with no regards of being a bother.

I was not aware that there were people who feared so much what I enjoy.
Just recently I've met people who can't stand being alone. Who are afraid of being alone in their own home, at day or at night, who not only desire the presence of other people close by at all times, but say that they NEED this constant company. It really surprised me. But you come across all kinds of people in life.

---
Every day I ask myself what I'm looking for; every day, the answer changes.

direction

The weekend was perfect! But hey, I'm speaking in the past tense and I still have some hours to burn before I can officially whine about it being Monday again. An adventure might be coming around...but for now I'm content with re-capping.

It's nice being around people who are goal-oriented. I was talking to C. about this today when she was here; hanging out with goal-oriented people makes me more goal-oriented. And goals are good: they give me something to direct my crazy energy towards. That's something I have to work on, usually I feel as though my energy gets wasted and I end up sitting around thinking too much and making myself sad or bored.

I'm looking forward to so much now. The rest of the summer, the trip to Asia, being home for small bursts...and then the start of my second year. First year was quite an adventure, but it seemed to lack direction. Next year I want to have things to focus on and goals to achieve. I want to work hard and feel rewarded. Next year I want to feel like I'm taking myself somewhere and making something of myself, instead of just having meaningless daily fun.

Lately my dreams have been telling me to expect disappointment or trouble...not gonna lie, this kind of frightens me because I'm in such a happy-go-lucky place in my life right now. I can't foresee any kind of discontentment on the horizon and I'm afraid that it will sneak up on me.

But I'm not worrying too much. I won't worry my life away! (: