thinks i think

I got campus rep today. (: Still a little part of me wonders whether it was completely based on merit or whether it was a matter of knowing the right people. Maybe a combination of both? Hopefully more heavily weighed on merit? Either way, I'm really excited to prove myself and dive headfirst into this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted.

I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!

---

I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.

---

I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.

I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.

But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.

I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.

But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.

But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.

It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.

---

R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?

---

So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.

interviews & results

So the week is finally over! And I left my fourth and final interview in a hurry, not because of the rain, not even because of the wet socks (okay maybe a little bit because of the wet socks) but MOSTLY because I wanted to blog about how awkward interviews are!

Okay, maybe it’s not that they’re AWKWARD. They’re just unnatural. And isn’t that a little bit awkward? I tend to leave interviews in a little bit of a flurry of emotion. On the one hand, I like being asked questions about myself because I do tend to self-reflect a lot, and it’s fun to communicate innermost thoughts and workings of my mind to someone who is basically a complete stranger. Once long ago I’d try to shape my words into something more pleasant to their ears but now, I’ve become more comfortable with sharing my thoughts AS my thoughts. Make sense? Just being myself more, not trying so damn hard all the time.

On the other hand, though, I also leave interviews quite frustrated. Looking back I say, oh, I could have said something else here. Or elaborated on this point. Etc. There’s no point in lingering but what DOES bother me is the whole set up of an interview. Question and answer.

In Anthro we learned about a form of communication that is called initiation/response/evaluation, which is basically ask a question, get an answer, and then proceed from there. In conversation, the evaluation segment would be elaboration on that topic and divulging anecdotes and such. However in the interview setting evaluation is literally just that — evaluation on paper, filling in little boxes, taking note of what you just said. Uncomfortable? A little.

Anyhow, interviews aren’t meant to be conversations. They’re called interviews for a reason I guess, viewing between several people? But generally it’s NOT “between”, it’s more “directed at” someone…which is something I am not a fan of. Here I am, but where are you? Questions and answers on one way streets with almost no switchover.

I digress. What frustrates me is…well, just how am I supposed to share all the knowledge and experiences I’ve acquired in the 18+ years that I’ve been living and breathing and learning? Pack it into a well-worded short verbal paragraph and hurl it onto that piece of paper, being written on by entirely foreign fingers. How can I share the experiences that have molded me into the person that I am, the changes I’ve undergone and every step into the reason why I am how I am, and how can I form this into a statement that ultimately answers WHY I am qualified for this position? How can I get them to KNOW me and understand what I’m passionate about, and what I think about, and all this stuff? Interviews are merely an introduction but I’d rather get them to skip to the middle of this story.

Tough cookies! Going into the interview I was nervous because I knew it was something that I really wanted. In the interview I was less nervous because that’s usually how it is. Anticipation brings nerves but when you’re finally not sitting around doing nothing about it, it’s not half bad.

Before, I sat at the pub with friends and got myself into interview mode. I guess I had the jitters but I got some good laughs and it was a nice comfortable crowd to send me away into the waiting arms of the interview. Anyway I said before I left, “I am just the same as everyone else.”

Someone said, don’t think that way. But I can’t see why not. This way we’re all on equal ground. There’s no hierarchy. After the interview, sure we’ll be “ranked” differently, but right now we’ve all got the same thing. Names on paper, and we’re all just as interesting and involved and engaging as the next person. I am just the same as everyone else because we are all human and we have all been experiencing life and taking from it and applying it to ourselves. The only way we differ is how we’ve rebounded from the jabs that life throws us. Essentially though, we are all the same. We’re just people.

I can see how it can be taken negatively but I said it with no sense of self-pity or self-consciousness. I take that statement as a reminder that we’re all going through experiences and changing on a day to day. I take that as a reminder that when you take away these false labels and intricate cover-ups we’re all built the same.

Someone I interviewed last week said something along those lines…he said he was just like everyone else, so it wasn’t a big deal. I think it’s when we start drawing lines and saying oh I’m more qualified, or oh I’m more popular, or I’m smarter…that’s when we trip ourselves up and stop being ourselves. It raises the stakes and turns it into a competition, when it’s really not. Just do your thing and be happy doing it! Real talk! When you’re just like everyone else it’s easier to not be like everyone else and be more you. If that makes any sense at all. Which it doesn’t, but it does to me. I’ll think about this more I guess.

ANYWAY, the week is over and I am off to celebrate this gray Friday in a yellow car because screw you raindrops, you shall not dampen my mood! (: Lately I’ve been riding a wave of good humor or contentment…so I’m going to go buy something pretty to seal the deal. Busy weekend ahead!

IN OTHER NEWS....I finally heard back from Alternative Spring Break and I am SUPER excited to be a participant at the San Bernardino National Forest this coming break!!!!! AAAAH!!!! (:

death by post-script

"Can you see me after class?"

Six simple words, an easy request. But sitting in my Lit Journ class, reading those words on the bottom of the last assignment I handed in...those words were six jabs at my morale and any ego I possess in that class.

I legitimately thought I was going to die. My blood vessels were constricting and I felt deprived of oxygen. My head started hurting and I almost wanted to hurl on the girl in front of me.

My mind started working furiously. What could be wrong with it? Maybe I should just tell her this isn't my scene. I'll get her to sympathize with me and say that I'm still trying to get my floaties on before I swim in the big girl pool. Or I'll just switch majors completely. I mean, I love Anthropology. My counselor takes drop-in sessions right? I'll just switch majors. My Anthro prof spent time abroad in Sweden and Micronesia and that is WAY, WAY cooler than being some damn journalist. I'm not cut out for this and I know it! Don't kid yourself girl!

For one and a half hours I dramatically imagined the end of my little stint in litjourn and the process of switching over to anthro, which is, what seems to me, a much more do-able major.

But at the end of the class I sucked it up and talked to her and it was NO BIGGIE at ALL. She just wanted me to specify some more dates, next time...

"Sorry for the ominous-sounding note!"

"Oh no, haha..not at all..."

It's not like I killed myself over the anticipation of it. It's not like I thought that my skin would be hanging from your wall as evidence of another LJ student who would not cut it.

HEAVE SIGH.

After getting my sense of self back together and figuratively slapping myself in the face I have decided that yes, I am still sticking with LJ, though I DO need to learn to grow up and stop being such a little bitch.

I'm not as critical and over-analytical as some people are, I'm not as quick to judgment and I'm not as opinionated. I'm more rose-colored glasses when it comes to certain things and I'm more accepting of human accounts of events and humans in general. Does this mean I won't succeed?

And does the fact that I randomly find stringing words together enjoyable mean that I'm cut out for literary journalism?

No to both, I guess...well that's what I hope, all we can do is sit around and wait I guess.

What DID boost my faith was my English teacher emailed and asked to use my essay draft as an example for the rest of the class, cause it was "excellent". YEAH, WHAT UP.

Anyway. I realize the reason why I overreacted so crazily was because it's important to me. Somehow. Somehow it matters to me whether or not I can be good at this. Weird, huh?

decisions, decisions

So I think Australia is not going to work out after all.

After all this stress and thought that I put into it, maybe I'm a little thankful to be releasing it? I mean now is not a good time for me to be thinking about much other than the present, because the present is pretty much a giant, tentacled sea monster wrapping itself around me and pulling me into the depths of the ocean. It's just so much more work and research and meetings and questions to answer that I don't want to deal with anymore. Is it really worth it?

Maybe I won't know and maybe I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime (I probably am) but at the moment I'm so, so willing to let it go and focus on the classes that I have right now that I am getting behind on. Seriously thinking about study abroad is so taxing...and I was a little surprised to find that I was relieved to find myself a concrete reason to not do it.

The thing is, if I major in Lit Journ, there are a number of courses that I have to take in a specific order, because they are prerequisites for other required classes. And some of these are only offered once per year so it's already a pretty tightly planned schedule. And since I've only started taking LJ classes this quarter, I would consider myself a little bit late. Going abroad for one quarter would probably push my graduation date further and this isn't something I'm willing to do. Though I'm not 100 percent sure that I'd have to graduate later, I'd rather have a less hectic college experience and be on campus and follow the schedule without having to worry about courses transferring over and stuff like that.

And yes, this is pretty much a post convincing myself that study abroad is not a good option for me. I mean, I've had these wishy-washy thoughts before, but I guess they were always pansy enough for me to quash them and continue researching, telling myself I'm doing myself a huge favor.

It's too much money, too much hassle, too much to think about, etc...Right now I will say that having study abroad off my plate frees up my to-do list quite a bit and gives me time to consider other opportunities that were all banking on study abroad. Maybe I'll regret this after I graduate but HEY, five-year-later-self if you are reading this, YOU ARE STRESSED RIGHT NOW, and seriously don't have the time to do this and you are panicking! Do your best on campus at UCI! Work a lot, save BANK, graduate early, and then go to Australia to frolic however you please!!! And then go to Italy and France too, and Egypt! And all those places you researched when you thought you were going to do study abroad! SERIOUSLY!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!

I guess I do a good job of convincing myself. And though it is with a heavy heart that I put away my Australia pamphlets, I guess I know it's for the best. I'm not strong enough to fight through all these obstacles right now, I hardly have the state of mind to conjugate simple French verbs as it is.

Heave sigh. Onward, ho. This is just the week of getting over things and over things and over things. Somehow, still, I have SO much to think about and do. EFF. And I do realize it was an opportunity to escape -- but what did I expect? That school in Australia would be way more chill than school here? Think again. I need to stop trying to run from the fact that I need to put in work to succeed, no matter how much I dislike it or the environment or whatever. I just need to learn how to suck it up. GOD. I'm such a wimp.

I guess that's the thing with decisions -- I thought it was all about making positive decisions, like YES I'm going to do this, but now I also understand that you have to make decisions to opt out, to know when to say NAY. Oh, bugger. Crikey. But I will end on a cliche -- one door closes and others open! That's how I feel.

goodbye optimism

OH MY GOD, I just had the most stressful two hours of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me but I really, really can NOT approach strangers. It puts me so outside of my comfort zone and makes me perspire unattractively and get all tense and nervous and seriously today, I felt like I was gonna hurl not once but TWICE! Once in French for unknown reasons and once after overthinking and feeling weird and judged and creepy and blEHHEhhh.

So my Lit Jrn teacher assigned us a "stranger interview" in which we have to find a random stranger and ask them about their life, get a couple of key points and moments that stand out to them.

I sat in Panera with my friend for 1.5 hours eying potential interviewees and chewing on my straw. No success there, I just got even more tangled up in this frustration and lack of self-confidence type deal that is attacking me like the FLU right now. Seriously, I need a prescription for this disease because I (think I am) better than this. Usually. Sometimes. Under the right circumstances.

Right now is just SO NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm okay talking to random people about things like shampoo and cookies, cause that's like common ground. But right off the bat asking an utter stranger for an interview? Not my cup of tea. And add in that I have to DIG and ask them about personal details of their life and ask for contact info and stuff like that for absolutely NO REASON AT ALL...it is just overwhelming and pointless and I am really just not good at this. I don't even see the point! Really.

Then we went to Target and I tried to interview this one guy and he totally shot me down. I take all rejections somewhat personally, that is just how I am, so yes, right now my tiny ego could probably balance on the head of a pin.

Top it all off with the fact that some douche biker hit my friend's car while we were in it and then proceeded to flip us off twice. TWICE. WHYYY. WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU? And yes, again, I am taking this a little personally, because it was just so incredibly rude! WHO DOES THAT!?

Okay. Logical side of me (which is still here, somehow, though quite diminished) tells me that this is all bogus and I am just being crazy. Snap out of it, get a tougher skin if you're ever going to succeed in the sharktank of life. Especially if you're gonna be a journalist.

DO I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS ANYWAY?! OH LAWD.

Um, good news good news......just so this blog isn't a veritable breeding ground for bad moods and grouchy thoughts...

-my check that UCI lost should be coming for me within the next two days

-I bought new eyeliner...if this bad mood continues I am going to be very veryyy poor...

THAT'S IT. How am I supposed to finish this assignment? Should I just binge-eat myself into a lull and then just choke on a pecan or something and then die fat and lonely and without having even completed ONE homework assignment successfully? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm making really good salad for dinner. REALLY, REALLY GOOD SALAD.

merry christmas

Merry Christmas friends! (:

Someone asked me today: what did you want for Christmas?

I couldn't really think of anything off the top of my head; most of the things that I want cost a lot of money and are things that I want to work towards and save for myself (slr, France $$, snowboard). Other things that I want are things that have to be earned as well, things like the capacity for caring more about things, the ability to be happy with what I have, the ability to appreciate and share that appreciation.

So I told him that. His response? Wow, you've changed.

On the contrary I think I've always wanted those things, maybe I just never voiced them clearly enough. I guess getting absorbed into materialism and the consumer culture is easier than remembering what really matters in life...but then what REALLY matters anyway?

I think what matters now is improving relationships with people and remembering that people are around to make you laugh and to pull you out of ruts. What matters is...that in the future I keep remembering to be a good person, to remember what values I cherish most, to remember who I am past all these surface-type labels.

This is turning into a new-years-resolution type post and TRUST ME I'm already prepared for that one, so I'll stop now. I don't even know why I'm blogging. It's Christmas, I just decorated 25 cupcakes, overloaded on sugar, I have a kitchen to clean, I'm sleepy...Off to snoozeland I go. Must wake up early for matinee showing of Sherlock Holmes, love being Asian.

P.S. Christmas isn't about WANTING. Every day that we live is about wanting.

break-induced crazy

When someone says, "I have a feeling you'll like this" or some other statement that indicates the fact that they THINK they know you well enough to judge whether or not you will enjoy the next tidbit that they present to you, doesn't that kinda sorta force you into a little corner and make you a little more prone to actually liking it? Or pretending to like it, at least?

I mean, you can't really say, "This is kinda lame. I can't believe you thought I'd like this." Cause what they pick for you to like is kind of their perception of who you are, so in a way, I guess they're testing how close they got to the bulls-eye.

The best I can muster up is a "aw yeah! This is funny." Or something like that. Just bear with them for the moment, realize how much they fail at knowing you, work on letting them get to know you better, and then never talk about that one failed tidbit ever again. Life goes on.

I'm always totally insecure about picking things for people. "You know what I like" -- this statement sometimes scares the bejeezus out of me, unless I do know that I know what they like. It comes off as a kind of test to me, like, "hey we've been friends this long, if you forgot that I totally hate peanuts then why the eff are you still hanging out with me" type thing.

Another thing -- I used to take these online personality test things a lot, just for fun, just to kill time. I think I liked having myself simply laid out by a few general statements, just because it was something I could put a finger on and be like, "ah! Yes, I do agree, this statement often pertains to the way that I behave in everyday life."

Somewhere though, did I get too used to being told how I am? Did I get too accustomed to relying on outside sources to share some insight on how I myself behave? Shouldn't it just be me figuring this stuff out? Maybe I'm too stuck in my own head to actually see myself for whoever I am. But then again maybe I'm also very interested in how others see me, and maybe that's how I define myself (???) but I'm always really interested to hear about peoples' first impressions of me and how they JUDGE me, etc.

Anyway, one random day on the Internet I found this name analysis type deal. I got linked from Jason Mraz' blog, yes I read his blog, no I am not some infatuated little fangirl, I just think he has some nice insights every once in a while when he's not too busy trying to convert everyone into hippie love machines striking downward facing dog poses.

The verdict:

* The name Chery gives you a strongly independent and highly creative nature, with drive and ambition to have experiences and accomplish things out of the ordinary.

* You can work intently at whatever is new and holds your interest at the moment, but your interest wanes quickly when drudgery and monotony set in.

* Obstacles to your progress or restrictions on your freedom to act create a sense of frustration which may cause you to feel resentful and even rebellious.

* You can then become intolerant of others, and caustic and belittling in your expression, thereby imposing stress on your personal relationships.

* Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus.

So do I merely agree with these statements BECAUSE they are true, or are they true because this bogus name-meaning-generator told me it is so?

And another question: am I going crazy because it is break and I have absolutely nothing to do, or is it break because I am going crazy from having nothing to do?

cool

When people tell you you're cool, what does that make you think?

I'm so awkward with compliments. As C says I should learn to just smile and say "thanks" but any form of flattery makes me feel totes awk.

Maybe this stems from my childhood, like when my parentals showed me off to the relatives...

relatives: oh you're so pretty!!
me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: and cute!!!!11!!1!!!

me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: and your mom tells me you're so smart, too!!11!!1!

me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: (cheek pinching/fast Indonesian and raucous laughter with my parents)

me: (awkward face, awkward shuffle away)

yeah, I'm sure we've all been in THAT situation. I think my instinct now is to totally negate any incoming compliments completely, so I'll respond with a "ohhh, heh heh nooo, not at allll...."/awkward-face combo that is sure to win them all.

Sigh compliments. I think mostly I'd rather be complimented on something I actively think about/choose for myself, not something inherent or genetic. Yeah I don't know, but should compliments be kept for things that people actually work for? Like they work hard or decide something and you're like hey, good job. Not like oh hey, you were born with nice hair, good job. Like when I say "thanks" I feel like I should be proud of whatever they're complimenting me on, not just cause I happen to be a certain way. Okay, I think too much.

I just need to learn how to accept compliments graciously, I guess. I feel like such a non-lady in this aspect. I bet Audrey Hepburn doesn't even have an awkward face....but whatever. I'm weird and awkward that way, love me please. ):

IDK. Do I even pay compliments? Maybe I should pay more. Anyway, yeah. BE COOL. I'm starting to hate this word. It just sounds weird.

Reminds me of French class
Oui! D'accord! COOL!

And Nicolas with his Montreal accent says COOL in ze most perfect way, tres bien. Oui, oui.

blog barf

It seems to be an appropriate time to blog, considering the fact that I found out within the span of ten shocking minutes that I have a quiz and homework due tomorrow, as well as a final on Thursday for Anthro. Good thing I didn't go to Anthro at all last week. Oh week 9, how far away and lost you are to me.

So, I sit here neglecting my "responsibilities", as I am so apt to do. Instead of getting a move on my ridiculous student life, I watched "Above and BEYONCE" (clever, right?) on Fuse for an hour as I munched on tortilla chips and fresh-made guacamole. Beyonce is the greatest diva ever and I love her.

After realizing I spent a good hour polishing off that avocado and watching Beyonce transform from her glammed out, big hair, booty shakin days to her more sleek and polished...booty shakin (complete with robot hand), I headed to my bomb shelter of a room and decided that things must be done! So I blog.

Currently I am updating my iPod after what feels like a decade of not doing so. Sometime in the summer I accidentally pressed "sync" and about half of the songs from my PC library got deleted. Every time after that when I plugged my iPod into my laptop to add new songs, more oldies disappeared. Today I am taking the plunge and recklessly deleting all my old music and resorting to only having the music from my laptop on my iPod. Will I regret this? Maybe. Probably. Because what will I ever do when I just want to listen to music from the Hairspray soundtrack?? And this actually happens more often then you would think. But hi-ho, I can't be stuck in the past forever, and no regrets, yada yada yada. I know I'm being a little dramatic for JUST an iPod but...SIGH. I had been building that library for a good four years and now it is all going to music heaven in one fell swoop. Actually it's taking kind of a long time and those rotating arrows are killing me slowly.

ANYWAY, I have also been munching on these amazing dark chocolate/peppermint bark morsels from Dove. It always confused me when I saw Dove products in the candy aisle because I was like, what? Soap? Candy? What? BUT yeah these babies are delicious. Got me thinking of making a batch of peppermint bark sometime in the future. Another great thing about these is that every wrapper comes with a quick holiday tip from MARTHA STEWART HERSELF...in the past five minutes I have eaten three (do not judge) and have received the following holiday tips from the home-ec goddess:

-Try printing your own labels to personalize holiday tins.

-Use cake stands to serve food on your buffet table.

-Keep poinsettias out of drafty spaces.

I must admit they are rather drab pieces of advice, but these little tips have me unwrapping more and more chocolates. NOT because I am a fatty and want to taste the deliciously rich chocolate and peppermint medley melting in my mouth and seeping into my system...just because I want to read what Martha has to say. I mean, she went to jail, guys. If that doesn't equal life experiences/life advice then I don't know WHAT does.

But these holiday tips do have me in a rather festive moods. Plans are formulating in my mind; plans of turning myself into a cupcake factory and delivering home made cupcakes to everyone I like (making a list, checking it twice), plans of making aforementioned peppermint bark, along with cake balls and home-made ornaments, etc. etc. etc. Just call me Martha Jr.

The thing is though, these plans will probably not come to fruition. Well, aside from the cupcakes. I mean...my apartment is bare enough as it is and the wonderland of pine garlands and twinkly lights that I dream of would take sooo much EFFORT and MONEY. And I am quite short on both. SIGH, we'll see. Finals will roll around and I will suddenly find myself with SO much time and energy to do anything (but study) so...I guess I will keep you updated on my holiday cheer-meter.

Speaking of holiday cheer....Thanksgiving was not full of it. I'm sorry, I know it's a great holiday and all, but my parents freaking took me to Reno. Las Vegas' trampy little wannabe sister. It was so, so depressing.

Thursday evening we arrived at the hotel, with the casino on the first floor as usual. It was around 6pm, right when most families are sitting down ready to carve the (hopefully moist) turkey. And the casino was populated with older, lonely people. Sipping a beer or smoking a cigarette, seated at a slot machine with no friends or smiles in sight. It was really sad. Is this what some people are destined for? And if this is how they spend their Thanksgiving you can only imagine what the rest of their days are like.

Throughout the whole trip I saw sad people like that. The over-eager waitress with thick eyeliner trying to make her Thanksgiving better than it was, the family at the buffet with fighting kids until the mother told them to "shut the fuck up".....things like that. SIGH RENO, why you bummin me out.

Maybe it's my fault for thinking about this too much and maybe they shouldn't even be pitied to begin with. Who am I to judge and say that their lives are so sad and small? Certainly it's not something I would want for myself but then again it's only a glimpse of what I see of their lives, and I'm so quick to judge and assume and pity them. For all I know they could actually be so much happier than it seems. But also maybe not.

Anyway. Recently I guess I've been doubting everything I do. And when I say everything I mean everything. Motives, consequences, every single little thing. Maybe it was sitting in the car plugged into my iPod for a grand total of like...twelve hours that did it. Too much time to think. Thinking usually means looking back and grating on myself for past mistakes and regrets, and yes I will not lie, I regret a LOT of stuff from back in the day. I don't want to go back and dig up all these past mistakes so I should just...leave them in the ground, right? So I'm so set on doing that but at the same time I can't stop looking back and wishing I did something else, said something else, chose something else.

This second guessing just leads to more second guessing in the present. And about the future, I guess. I'm asking myself too much...and things I was so sure about just a couple weeks ago seem so distant and uncertain now. I don't know what is going to bring about some solidarity in my life but maybe I should just get used to this up in the air feeling.

And speaking of up in the air...my plane ride from SJ to the OC was delightful. I love being a stranger. Absolutely adore it. And also that feeling that you get, right as you take off, when your stomach drops a little bit and you don't know whether or not you're going to die...I love that feeling. It's the uncertainty, the tiny moment that you hang in the air wondering if you're going to fall in some spectacular crash of flame and metal, or if you're going to catch the wind and soar, continue on your way. That moment gives me such peace, that moment when I feel like I might just die. This sounds really morbid. But I really like that moment -- reminiscent of a Tyler Durden "near-life experience" type thing. And I really like turbulence...and we had a lot, surprisingly.

Plane rides just make me happy in general. Feeling so far from the world below with it's grounding tendencies is refreshing and I love being in the air away from it all. The houses slowly getting back to regular size always bums me out a little bit.

I talked with my friend about plans today. He's a meticulous planner, very methodical, very thought-out, and he always follows through with his plans. Whereas I am a planner, but have much less follow-through. I don't know whether to consider this a good or bad thing, I guess there are some moments for both sides. Just that....the plans I have right now...I really want them to happen. And it scares me knowing my tendencies.

But I've made some recent changes.

I am going to stay busy as to avoid this over-thinking. Because thinking makes me dig holes and then I dig giant holes and then I find that I am stuck in these giant holes. Instead, I will keep busy, eat chocolate, and study more. YES.

I've also decided to be a vegetarian. As of today I have not eaten meat for 5 days, I am winning.

I think that's about it...I just got an invitation to go shopping at Nordstrom (WITH AN EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT) and I don't know how to handle this. Hyperventilating. Really wanting to buy shit that I don't really need. Must study. OMG, BRAIN EXPLOSION.

who we are is simply who we can be

Really? Really, is this identity crisis still going on? I'm dragging it out, maybe intentionally, forcing myself into this dark little hole and hoping to figure out whether or not I can emerge as a put-together butterfly or just stumble out and be the awkward little caterpillar.

I realize I have a hard time being myself. There are very few people that I am truly comfortable around, and even with that, I'm only really truly 100% comfortable around well, myself. When I'm alone and undisturbed. I suppose that's true for everyone...it's just that my public persona and private persona tend to differ so much that I find it hard to balance and still be comfortable when I'm around people. This is hardly making sense, even to me.

I had a nice Veterans' day -- C, M, and I ventured to Costa Mesa and checked out a revolving sushi restaurant. Can I just say that I am officially a huge fan of revolving sushi? Those little plates of 2-3 bucks a pop are rather deceiving though, I ended up spending around $20 including tax and tip so it's NOT THAT CHEAP. No judgement please. But definitely intending to visit much more often, maybe once I save some money.

Over Godzilla rolls and other various DELCIOUS sushi morsels, we talked about what's going on in our lives -- new love interests, old love interests, nonexistant love interests (that was me, lol). C seems like a really wise person. She said that some couples didn't know how to be friends, because they start off on a romantic note instead of basing their relationship off of friendship. It seems like it makes sense to me, although I'm sure it's not always the case.

But that got me thinking. How do we know how to be friends at all? With anyone? Is there some sort of unknown recognition when you look someone in the eyes and realize that you're embarking upon a journey towards getting to know them better, and getting to be comfortable around them? Is there some moment when you subconsciously decide that you are "friends" and then just continue on that way?

For me friendship is an acceptance of one anothers quirks. A knowledge of it, maybe even an expectation of it. And you like the person's weirdness enough to want to hang around a little bit and watch this personality play out and interact with yours.

Tough cookies, though. We can't have quirk resumes and list the little things about us as a person that sets us apart. You can't go around asking people to list off the top of their head the things that make them weird and different from everyone else. Hell, if someone asked me what sets me apart, I would have no effing clue. Blank stare.

I think this goes with my weird comfort thing. It takes me a (really?) long time to get comfortable around someone and start being able to be myself. Usually, I feel that I am just awkward and fake and censored and boring and uncomfortable, among a slew of other MLEHh adjectives. It's because I don't want to offend or alienate, right from the start. Maybe I'm a perennial people-pleaser and just try to make everyone happy and make everyone like me and make everyone think I'm funny, or something. Dammit, am I that insecure?? (Answer: probably.) But seriously, how are they going to know the real me if the person I introduce myself as is often a far throw from the person that I am when I'm comfortable?

So I realize...I need to stop being afraid of stepping on toes. Like M, just to be as YOU as possible and disregard how weird you come off to the other person. Yes, send them LOLCATS bumper stickers even if you met them just a couple days before. Yes, tell them that you just texted them from the toilet. And yes, tell them honestly what is going through your mind at that very moment. And like H said so long ago, who the fuck cares if they don't like you?

That's my goal for this week, I suppose. Being more honest to who I am...aka being the weird person that I can be. When I'm weird it's probably cause I'm just going with my brainwaves. I need to stop second guessing myself and my actions and just go with it, stop holding myself back for fear of losing some. You'll never have them all.

But then again, right now I just feel like the most mundane and boring sack of human to ever walk the face of this earth.

Also it has been brought to my attention that people are surprised to find out that I'm smart. Smart relative to what, I don't know, but it takes a midterm grade or an SAT score to get them to double back and say "Whoa. You're smart?"

Which leaves me with my awkward face on. Heh...no...modest shrug, change topic. But yeah, do I come across as an idiot or something? Is it really surprising to these people that I can be this girl who makes corny jokes and laughs at anything, but also get good grades and be a litttttle book smart? It seems like nobody is giving me this chance to show them my 3-d self. Face value = Chery likes to eat, can make people laugh, etc, boring boring boring.

It makes me wonder about how people think of each other. Being me, I have unusually high expectations for...well...everyone I meet, basically. I know it's stupid. But it's like innocent until proven guilty -- you are smart and funny and interesting until you prove to me that you're some airheaded dumbass douchebag with a lousy sense of humor. Also I realize I tend to wait for people to prove me wrong, and I linger as I try to watch personalities appear.

I feel like I'm starting to sound really creepy and weird. HAHA...I'm just a people watcher I guess. People have always interested me, and now I might even minor in anthropology. As of right now though, I have to study the currents and wind patterns of planet Earth. JOY TO THE WORLD.

is this it?

Is this what the future holds? I feel like I'm merely keeping myself occupied, filling the space between the times when my head leaves and hits the pillow. When does it start meaning something? When does it start becoming more than a title and become a part of who you are?

In other news I got a position as an intern for the Vendor Fairs at ASUCI.

In other other news...I went about today feeling very antisocial. A lot of times I noticed that I wasn't smiling. I don't really know why, maybe it was just one of THOSE days.

don't listen, don't read

I signed up to write for the New University (UCI's weekly newspaper) about a week ago, went to the meeting last Wednesday, and secured a position writing for Features. Well, kind of.

What they do is e-mail a list of topics they'd like to see pieces about. Today I got the first e-mail with a pretty extensive list of topics, I could see myself worming my way into writing a couple of those pieces. How well they turn out, I don't know and I can't really imagine.

Honestly though, I don't think I'm a journalistic writer. I'm more of a blogger. I will tell you about what goes through my head throughout the day, why I wore the shoes I wore, what I think about certain things. I will describe to you how I felt about something, what I'm wondering about something else. But I'm not a journalistic writer. I can't TELL you anything about the world...I only know me. Nothing really important. I'll write about details, maybe shoot for the big picture but miss entirely.

So who is going to read what I have to say? Nobody cares, I'm one in a million minds. I'm not established enough or opinionated enough or interesting enough for people to CARE about things that I care about. I'm not engaging enough to make you read this, so I turn out to be my only audience.

Can I change this? I guess I'll accept this challenge to myself. One thing I fear is accidentally assuming a presumptuous, know-it-all voice that is not really me. Don't try too hard, be yourself. So much easier said than done.

Here's to Mondays -- new beginnings, and forgetting about the past.

NOBODY READS ANYMORE, ANYWAY!!! So why bother WRITE?

My Anthro 2A professor asked the lecture hall, "How many of you are currently reading a novel for pleasure?"
I raised my hand.
Looked around.
There were probably five hands in the air.
"You guys are missing out on a world of knowledge."

Agreed...but we'd all rather socialize online, increase the number of our facebook friends and pretend to ourselves that we are popular and meaningful. Shallow social life, truly, and I'm guilty as charged. It's a necessary evil, like that extra kick in your coffee.

an alternate life

Growing up in Indonesia would be so much different from the childhood I had. For one thing, family would be a lot more important to me, and I can see myself being much closer to my parents than I am now. Just being here obviously puts a stronger emphasis on family and already I'm appreciating my family more as I hear stories from the past. Yesterday I sat around the kitchen table with my grandma and my mom, making sweet rice cakes and listening to them retell funny stories of when my mom was little. This seems like such an everyday task but it's something I can only do once every three or four years, and I feel like there's something wrong with that.

Maybe my life would be more solidly grounded in family and in religion if I had grown up here. My aunt talked last night about my older cousin who is dating a Chinese girl, and she said something about religion being a very important factor in deciding who to marry or date. I didn't want to tell her that religion was definitely not an important factor in my life. And it made me wonder how far I fell from the mark -- my mom tried raising me Catholic as she had been raised, but who I am now, in thought and in action, is pretty far from the Catholic girl she tried to raise.

Considering this aspect of religion made me consider everything else about my life in the US. It's easy now to pinpoint the source of all the struggles between me and my parents; it's a cultural barrier that we both can't seem to breach. My sister and I strive for an American lifestyle of independence, freedom, and an exploration of different religions/schools of thought before sticking to one. My parents want us to have the bringing up that they had, centered around family, tradition, and respect for elders, including following their advice in all subject matters.

I'm trying to imagine growing up here. My aunts in Jakarta live in big, well-designed houses, with several nice cars and plenty of helpers and chauffeurs, and send their kids to private schools. My family lives in an apartment with two Hondas, my sister and I are in charge of cleaning the house and my mother does all the cooking. Everyone serves as a chauffeur when available, and my sister and I attended public schools since elementary school.

Had I grown up in Indonesia, would I live in a big house like my cousins did? Would I see them every morning as we get dropped off at the same school? Would I be happier this way, readily accepting and prolonging a tradition of growing up in Indonesia? I can't decide for myself if I would be happier, but I know for a fact that my parents are happier here. They're surrounded by their family and old friends, and aren't treated with the disrespect that foreigners sometimes encounter in the US. Which makes me question why they moved to the US in the first place.

It was a big, courageous move for them, I know. And I have a new-found sense of respect for them when I think of what they left behind. I wonder now if they're satisfied with what they have in the US, and if they ever regret their decision. If they ever look at me and my sister, their Americanized daughters, and regret raising us in the US, so far away from their home and our family.

It does give me a sense of regret. I never really understood where they were coming from, I guess, and during our past visits to Indonesia, I didn't really think about all this; it was just another vacation. I don't know what's different this time, but I guess I'm trying more to appreciate this trip because these visits are so few and far between. I've been listening to my aunts and grandma retell stories and talk about my cousins growing up and all that...and it's left me feeling like I'm missing out, being so far away.

I'd love to be able to watch my cousins grow up and count them among my dearest friends, to talk to my grandma without having to ask my mother to translate a word that I don't understand. I'd love to hang out with my cousins and not feel like such a fish out of water, to not have to feel self conscious about my American-ness and to not have to wonder if they think I'm some stuck-up, spoiled girl from far away.

I don't know. Surrounded by a close-knit family that I'm a distant part of is making me question a lot of my own actions and desires, past and present.

looking back

If you could re-do the past year, would you?

---

A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.

When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.

Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.

There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.

I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?

I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.

potential

I used to have it once.

---

Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"

But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.

They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.

It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.

I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.

Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.

"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?

There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.

---

And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?

I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.

If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.

swing swing

Something about swinging is so calming for me. Maybe it's the combination of good company and good conversation, set under a real blue summer night's sky pierced with stars and a glowing moon. I love the park after dark, it's a little more haunting and less innocent than by the light of day.

Today was a typical summer day followed by a typical summer night. I spent the day sitting around, trying to be productive but half-assing it. And then I started feeling bad for never getting things done while people around me are chasing their dreams. So I resolved to have no more of these type of days. They occur too often, and more and more, they expose the fact that it is only me standing in my own way. Why am I stopping myself?

Baby steps, I guess. I did accomplish a little bit today. Very slowly started on the route to (FINALLY!!!) getting my license, with a little help from T. I also researched the study abroad program that I hope to be participating in next summer. Six to seven weeks in France sounds like a dream come true. I'm looking forward to making this trip happen. I really can't wait to get back to Irvine and start setting the wheels in motion.

I think the trouble I have is thinking for the present. I'm so obsessed with the future and the goals, but I don't really think about the steps leading up to it. Simultaneously I analyze the past and reflect upon what HAS happened instead of what IS happening. How do I take these thoughts on the past/future and translate them into my present? If I find this out, I think I'll be a lot happier with who I am.

Jason Mraz's blog led me to a name-analyzing website today. For the most part it was pretty accurate, especially the part about being independent and striving to have experiences. And the interest waning quickly...and even the frustration/rebelliousness was pretty on point. And here's the punch: "Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation."

A restless intensity? I guess I can relate. So will relaxation be denied to me for the rest of my lifetime? Something to think about. Interesting site.

nostalgia

When did our present turn into the past? Is it instantaneous, the second it's over it becomes the past? There are times that feel like just yesterday that I realize are so far gone.

I ran into some old family friends today after lunch. We passed by casually, not recognizing one another after the lapse of not seeing each other for a couple years. Turning around I realized that it really was them, so I caught up with them and WOW what a trip. I remember baby-sitting the two kids, and now they're fourteen and eleven. One of them is taller than my sister, thankfully still shorter than me (just by an inch). She's about to start high school, if you can call it that. She's homeschooling because she is a tennis SUPERSTAR. Caps lock necessary.

Time really flies...we used to see each other a lot, they were like the little siblings I never had. Maybe I'm being extra nostalgic, I just miss those olden days.

And I miss the golden age -- I didn't really think about it until yesterday, high school was pretty outrageous. So many good times, and it felt so unique and fresh. Just the people I surrounded myself with had such a different feel than the people I meet in college. College life can be pretty cookie-cutter at times. Yeah it's fun, but don't we all get tired of it? I'm looking for someone(s) to flip that around and bring back the glory days of high school, except college style. Does that make sense? High school life just felt more interesting.

Maybe college is just a lull. The empty space between the fun of high school and the grind of post-college life. A time to realize your goals, make connections (but not relationships), and start building yourself a foundation. This post is making college sound SO dull, which it really is not...I'm just being nostalgic, I suppose.


<3 Gabe Bondoc.

easy breezy

Today was the last day in SoCal for a while...surprise, coming home a little early! Somehow though, once I dream of leaving, people conjure up reasons to make me stay...birthday parties, beach trips, pool parties (with cabanas!!), social activities galore, all which I THRIVE upon! Too bad my NorCal love affair must resume...I've been away too long and all I really want to do is sit in Meher's garage. Haha, holla!

Anyway, today was an easy-peasy breezy kind of day. I went wherever the wind blew me...well, I went the way the wind was coming from, because I like the wind blowing in my hair that way. I was talking about this with a friend, you look so much better when you're going against the wind than when you're going with it. PARALLEL FOR LIFE, MUCH??? WOW! Moving on.

I had work early in the morning and although it was quite a drag, it was over soon enough. I ran into my ex-RA and we planned a lunch date for a few hours in the future, so I rushed myself home and soon found myself at BCD with Norby & Mo. It was quite the cute catchup, nothing else to say! Then from there I went to Mo's and lazed around for a while, which I am very good at. We went to Newport Beach around 4:30 and chilled in the delicious ocean breeze for a while.

I met someone so funny at the beach. She's HILARIOUS -- a one-woman show. So funny and charismatic and shamelessly herself. She's one of those people I admire and wish to be more like. This might sound kind of creepy. But she's hilarrrrious! I love being around people like that. But at the same time I feel so boring and unsubstantial around her type.

We ended up back at Mo's place after the beach, had a little dinner, had a little fun...and now I'm back at my place, neglecting my packing as I knew I would. Plenty of time for that later!

Something that has come to my attention lately: my wants and actions are quite contradictory. Or rather, my actions do not lead directly to my wants. Instead they twist and tangle, with my intentions only living in my head and not in spoken word. I think I fear getting in people's way, I don't want to leave a "pushy" impression, thus I shy from asking for what I want.

Exhibit A: Last night my time of the month cravings begged for Salsa Verde. My friend told me he would take me to Albertsons but forgot and went without me...Mo insisted on him taking us anyway, and he obliged, but I steadfastly said NO even though my stomach was screaming the opposite. So is this pushover status or a desire to not get in people's way?

And if I don't get in people's ways once in a while, doesn't that mean I'll just be soon forgotten? I feel like I don't leave a lasting impression; I'll be there when you want me but I won't force myself into your life. Easily ignored?

Exhibit B: Some of you may know about my youtube friend. SIGH, I want my T-shirt back...like desperately. But I feel like I'm being naggy and annoying, which I absolutely HATE in others so I'm being less persistent than I would usually be. Is this a pathetic surrender or a polite step back?

ANNNND....there, I hit it. I'm over thinking. Excellent. I will just sit here in my lens-less 3-D glasses (!!!) and continue to ponder the reasons for my lackluster living and ignore my gaping suitcase.

T-minus 12 hours until I'm aboard the beloved Vietnamese bus! Off to do other things to take up time.