thinks i think

I got campus rep today. (: Still a little part of me wonders whether it was completely based on merit or whether it was a matter of knowing the right people. Maybe a combination of both? Hopefully more heavily weighed on merit? Either way, I'm really excited to prove myself and dive headfirst into this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted.

I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!

---

I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.

---

I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.

I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.

But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.

I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.

But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.

But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.

It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.

---

R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?

---

So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.

why worry

I thought I'd spend the weekend hiding away and catching up on lost time -- I borrowed a book I've been meaning to read, left myself a mess in my room that I need to attend to, and even planned out a schedule of television that I can not miss (ice skating, YES!) and homework assignments that need to be taken care of.

However nothing really goes according to plan, and the book is untouched, my room is still just as (or even more) messy as it was before I embarked on this three-day-weekend vacation, and...well, I succeeded in watching ice skating. Though I can't really say the same about my homework. But I AM super thrilled about upcoming skating events and I wishwishwishhh I could go skating right about now.

I will say that this weekend was quite well spent though. In good company, certainly, and now I sit on the departing end of it, as though I'm waiting for a flight back to reality and school and the work I must catch up. The rain causes a delay though and my flight isn't taking off anytime soon...I may regret this in the coming week but something about the rain just makes me want to sit and listen and think.

With good reason, because somehow I managed to ignore my previous plans to stay home and veg out. Instead I found myself in different social settings on three different nights, wondering why I always find a way to leave home when I'm already quite satisfied in my pajama-state. It's this missing out type thing -- what if it really is epic and I missed it because I stayed in? What if I'm missing out on my youth, the only time when I can do stupid things like this? What if there's some fantastic person out there and our paths won't align because I chose to watch The Secret Life of Bees instead?

I have to say, nothing really spectacular happened and although I had fun, I think I would've been just as happy staying home. But that's me I guess... afraid to miss out. On what, I don't really know...but something I learned is that I am just very accepting of people in general and random life roads. I'm not really a fighter when it comes to certain things...many things...maybe I'm taking the easy way out or maybe I'm just built to drift along on whatever whim occurs to me first. Sometimes I'm too accepting and too adjusted to situations that normal people would fight for... and I just let things slide because it's like hey, that's whats happening now.

I don't know. All I know is that every single thing we do is determining the next single thing that we do and so on and so on in this endless chain, until suddenly one thing that we do causes the end of all things that we do. Sometimes I wish that all our lives were structured differently and that society were structured differently so that we could drift about and make ourselves happy without having to live with fear of loneliness or poverty or hunger. Life would be so much better if we all knew what we wanted and if we all had the means to just do that without being held back by these responsibilities that were somehow thrust upon us by this meaningless society that tells us we need to grow up and we need to find love and we need to be successful, etc etc. If I could do ANYTHING in the world I would travel and find companions, though they would change with the scenery, and see everything there is to see and just talk to people and live and not even have a home base. That's kind of a happy thought and if everyone did that, how much happier would we be?

My train of thought is running wild like the wind. I really need to get back to reality. Two more hours and I'll be initiated into a sorority, embarking upon this next adventure. I keep telling myself -- live in the now, stop overthinking, why worry? Life is just what you want it to be.

blog barf

It seems to be an appropriate time to blog, considering the fact that I found out within the span of ten shocking minutes that I have a quiz and homework due tomorrow, as well as a final on Thursday for Anthro. Good thing I didn't go to Anthro at all last week. Oh week 9, how far away and lost you are to me.

So, I sit here neglecting my "responsibilities", as I am so apt to do. Instead of getting a move on my ridiculous student life, I watched "Above and BEYONCE" (clever, right?) on Fuse for an hour as I munched on tortilla chips and fresh-made guacamole. Beyonce is the greatest diva ever and I love her.

After realizing I spent a good hour polishing off that avocado and watching Beyonce transform from her glammed out, big hair, booty shakin days to her more sleek and polished...booty shakin (complete with robot hand), I headed to my bomb shelter of a room and decided that things must be done! So I blog.

Currently I am updating my iPod after what feels like a decade of not doing so. Sometime in the summer I accidentally pressed "sync" and about half of the songs from my PC library got deleted. Every time after that when I plugged my iPod into my laptop to add new songs, more oldies disappeared. Today I am taking the plunge and recklessly deleting all my old music and resorting to only having the music from my laptop on my iPod. Will I regret this? Maybe. Probably. Because what will I ever do when I just want to listen to music from the Hairspray soundtrack?? And this actually happens more often then you would think. But hi-ho, I can't be stuck in the past forever, and no regrets, yada yada yada. I know I'm being a little dramatic for JUST an iPod but...SIGH. I had been building that library for a good four years and now it is all going to music heaven in one fell swoop. Actually it's taking kind of a long time and those rotating arrows are killing me slowly.

ANYWAY, I have also been munching on these amazing dark chocolate/peppermint bark morsels from Dove. It always confused me when I saw Dove products in the candy aisle because I was like, what? Soap? Candy? What? BUT yeah these babies are delicious. Got me thinking of making a batch of peppermint bark sometime in the future. Another great thing about these is that every wrapper comes with a quick holiday tip from MARTHA STEWART HERSELF...in the past five minutes I have eaten three (do not judge) and have received the following holiday tips from the home-ec goddess:

-Try printing your own labels to personalize holiday tins.

-Use cake stands to serve food on your buffet table.

-Keep poinsettias out of drafty spaces.

I must admit they are rather drab pieces of advice, but these little tips have me unwrapping more and more chocolates. NOT because I am a fatty and want to taste the deliciously rich chocolate and peppermint medley melting in my mouth and seeping into my system...just because I want to read what Martha has to say. I mean, she went to jail, guys. If that doesn't equal life experiences/life advice then I don't know WHAT does.

But these holiday tips do have me in a rather festive moods. Plans are formulating in my mind; plans of turning myself into a cupcake factory and delivering home made cupcakes to everyone I like (making a list, checking it twice), plans of making aforementioned peppermint bark, along with cake balls and home-made ornaments, etc. etc. etc. Just call me Martha Jr.

The thing is though, these plans will probably not come to fruition. Well, aside from the cupcakes. I mean...my apartment is bare enough as it is and the wonderland of pine garlands and twinkly lights that I dream of would take sooo much EFFORT and MONEY. And I am quite short on both. SIGH, we'll see. Finals will roll around and I will suddenly find myself with SO much time and energy to do anything (but study) so...I guess I will keep you updated on my holiday cheer-meter.

Speaking of holiday cheer....Thanksgiving was not full of it. I'm sorry, I know it's a great holiday and all, but my parents freaking took me to Reno. Las Vegas' trampy little wannabe sister. It was so, so depressing.

Thursday evening we arrived at the hotel, with the casino on the first floor as usual. It was around 6pm, right when most families are sitting down ready to carve the (hopefully moist) turkey. And the casino was populated with older, lonely people. Sipping a beer or smoking a cigarette, seated at a slot machine with no friends or smiles in sight. It was really sad. Is this what some people are destined for? And if this is how they spend their Thanksgiving you can only imagine what the rest of their days are like.

Throughout the whole trip I saw sad people like that. The over-eager waitress with thick eyeliner trying to make her Thanksgiving better than it was, the family at the buffet with fighting kids until the mother told them to "shut the fuck up".....things like that. SIGH RENO, why you bummin me out.

Maybe it's my fault for thinking about this too much and maybe they shouldn't even be pitied to begin with. Who am I to judge and say that their lives are so sad and small? Certainly it's not something I would want for myself but then again it's only a glimpse of what I see of their lives, and I'm so quick to judge and assume and pity them. For all I know they could actually be so much happier than it seems. But also maybe not.

Anyway. Recently I guess I've been doubting everything I do. And when I say everything I mean everything. Motives, consequences, every single little thing. Maybe it was sitting in the car plugged into my iPod for a grand total of like...twelve hours that did it. Too much time to think. Thinking usually means looking back and grating on myself for past mistakes and regrets, and yes I will not lie, I regret a LOT of stuff from back in the day. I don't want to go back and dig up all these past mistakes so I should just...leave them in the ground, right? So I'm so set on doing that but at the same time I can't stop looking back and wishing I did something else, said something else, chose something else.

This second guessing just leads to more second guessing in the present. And about the future, I guess. I'm asking myself too much...and things I was so sure about just a couple weeks ago seem so distant and uncertain now. I don't know what is going to bring about some solidarity in my life but maybe I should just get used to this up in the air feeling.

And speaking of up in the air...my plane ride from SJ to the OC was delightful. I love being a stranger. Absolutely adore it. And also that feeling that you get, right as you take off, when your stomach drops a little bit and you don't know whether or not you're going to die...I love that feeling. It's the uncertainty, the tiny moment that you hang in the air wondering if you're going to fall in some spectacular crash of flame and metal, or if you're going to catch the wind and soar, continue on your way. That moment gives me such peace, that moment when I feel like I might just die. This sounds really morbid. But I really like that moment -- reminiscent of a Tyler Durden "near-life experience" type thing. And I really like turbulence...and we had a lot, surprisingly.

Plane rides just make me happy in general. Feeling so far from the world below with it's grounding tendencies is refreshing and I love being in the air away from it all. The houses slowly getting back to regular size always bums me out a little bit.

I talked with my friend about plans today. He's a meticulous planner, very methodical, very thought-out, and he always follows through with his plans. Whereas I am a planner, but have much less follow-through. I don't know whether to consider this a good or bad thing, I guess there are some moments for both sides. Just that....the plans I have right now...I really want them to happen. And it scares me knowing my tendencies.

But I've made some recent changes.

I am going to stay busy as to avoid this over-thinking. Because thinking makes me dig holes and then I dig giant holes and then I find that I am stuck in these giant holes. Instead, I will keep busy, eat chocolate, and study more. YES.

I've also decided to be a vegetarian. As of today I have not eaten meat for 5 days, I am winning.

I think that's about it...I just got an invitation to go shopping at Nordstrom (WITH AN EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT) and I don't know how to handle this. Hyperventilating. Really wanting to buy shit that I don't really need. Must study. OMG, BRAIN EXPLOSION.

making wishes

Birthday candles, shooting stars, 11:11

So many people take these as opportunities to make wishes. As often as they come, I’ll grasp the moment and think of what I want most, and then close my eyes and hope.

“Why bother?” some say, “wishes don’t come true, anyway.”

Not to be a cynic, but I can’t help but agree.

Too often, wishes don’t come true, won’t come true. Should I stop asking for giant magnificent things, things that can’t happen in the blink of an eye?

If wishes came true…I would be living a contradiction. I may be somewhere else, maybe NYC. I would have much more money at my disposal, I would have my closest friends with me. I would have everyone, or I would have no one. I would start over with a blank slate, I would rewind, I would fast forward. I would have talent, stronger will, a better work ethic. I would have that missing something. I would have a secure promise of a successful future, and I would have this recognition of my potential and the knowledge that it will get me somewhere soon. I’ll have my name in the byline, my influence far-reaching. I would have balance and lose the in-betweens. And I wouldn’t get so caught in (what I know are just) momentary lapses, I wouldn’t get stuck in people-ruts.

But as life goes, and as wishes go,

none of these wishes I once made really came true.

I still make wishes every chance I get.

I consider it a moment to step back and pause the world, re-align yourself with yourself and forget about any outside influences puncturing your sphere. Brainstorm — think about what I do have, what I could have, and what I don’t want to have. And the wish I make is usually just for things like courage or focus or discipline, to reach my goals.

My wish is a recognition of what I desire, but that itself is not the wish. The wish is the means of getting there.

So every chance I get I make a wish,

not because I believe some divine entity will grant it to me,

but because it reminds me of what my goals are

and how I can do everything I can to make them come true for myself.

follow your heart

I've never been very good at this, in any aspect.

Yesterday was an excellent Saturday, consisting of:

-swinging in the park

-all you can eat KBBQ

-browsing Borders whilst sipping hot chocolate

-live guitarist

-wandering through Michaels & Target

-Sex & the City marathon

-all occurring in very good company.

Today was rather different...I went for a run with my roommate to the park and completely DIED. So very out of shape. But I got to swing again.

I think I'm dehydrated.

I bought this journal at Borders yesterday called "Skinny Bitchin." I'm excited to complete it, and I will be posting responses to the prompts.

Today I also wrote a letter to no one (someone), failed at studying for Anthro, formulated plans in my head for future park visits and a zoo trip, and found out that male giraffes often engage in sexual activities with each other.

Also, I've decided that this face :C is stupid.

---

Here is my goal for the week:

"Live more freely, walk more slowly, appreciate more readily. Understand and desire love, pursue love, live in love."

slow moments

Lately I've taken a liking to the slow moments in life. Weekends are times I especially look forward to, not because of the wild crazy college parties...but because of stupid stuff, like being able to sit in front of my laptop for hours on end without having to worry about wasting time or where I need to be or what I need to get done.

I contradict myself, though, because this morning I woke up at 8:45, then 10:00, then finally 11:30...all three times in a relatively minor panic. First thought was what time is it!? Am I late?! It took me a while to realize there was nothing going on that I would be late for, since it was in fact Saturday morning. But I woke ill at ease and the first thing I did this morning when I got out of bed was make a list of all the things I want to accomplish this weekend.

However this list has not really come close to getting completed. Saturday afternoon unraveled nice and slowly for me, with a lot of time just on the internet doing time-wasting things. Then I made myself a delicious and giant breakfast burrito and watched the Sex and the City movie, which confirms to me my desire to get the hell out of the OC and start experiencing real life.

Maybe I'm starting to feel claustrophobic here. Claustrophobic, misguided, and...taken at face value. I just need to learn how to release my inhibitions.

Anyway, I won't go into detail. But slow moments have become the only things I look forward to on a day to day basis now:
-laying in the park, eating extra buttery popcorn and reading my anthro book, as it got chillier and chillier and people walked around immersed in their busy lives
-coming home and improvising a meal, as I browse through oldies and country and jazz on the radio. And then devouring my meal while reading a book.
-and just the quiet moments before I get to sleep where I just think or write or read.

In the long run I'm looking forward to
-receiving my $100 order from Forever 21. Yes, I broke, late one lonely night, and decided that new clothes would make me happier. I am actually very very excited for this.
-POST COLLEGE LIFE.
-Thanksgiving break, and my NorCal sigh of relief. Fresh breath of air, here I come.

My roommate told me about a park not a mile away, and she mentioned that they have swings there. SWINGS! My one love. I'm desperate to go, but there isn't really anyone that I want to accompany me. Should I brave the potential Irvine rapists and go it alone? Or should I compromise my comfort being by myself for guaranteeing some safety?

I listen to a lot more mellow music lately...and I just want to eat dark chocolate and live in my bed, read Elle magazine and hope that the world just dies chaotically by itself, not bothering me in my humble retreat within my comforter. I'll watch from my pillow, and maybe emerge when the sun comes out.

But that's the other weird thing. Usually I hate rain and cold weather in general. Right now, I'm dying for a sharp wind in my face and I'm asking the skies when they'll water the earth again. I can't wait until I come home. And I really just want to get out of the OC.

Empire State of Mind -- Jay Z

I just need to push myself more and fulfill my own expectations. I just feel like I'm letting things slip through the cracks.

you could call it fiction

Isn't it all just some twisted bedtime story anyway? Things get so convoluted.

Living, telling, re-telling...lingering, essentially. Why is it so hard to drop these moments as they come, leave them in our mind to age gracefully, instead of re-iterating and re-living. But that's the simple truth; it's hard to just live moment-to-moment. That's not how we're wired, I guess.

---

Last night I won a BP tournament with J! Haha, whether by sheer skill or piecing together of lucky occurrences, we left the apartment at 3 AM with a nice little keg as our trophy. It's now sitting in my room...and I don't really know what to do with it. Whatever.

I went to his place for some late night nibbling and then he knocked out in about 2 seconds flat, so I turned off the lights, snuck out the door, and headed home.

VDC was shrouded in fog last night. I walked with a purpose but enjoyed it all the same; there was a duality in that I wanted to get home and I also wanted to shake this feeling that had suddenly seized me. I admired the effect of the street lights lost blurred amidst the fog and fantasized about creepy figures emerging from the haze ahead of me. But I wasn't really scared...the solitude and quiet was peaceful and I felt very calm, and a lot more content than I've been in a while.

I need to take walks like these more...people here don't walk!

Today I woke up and decided a little me-day would be good. I'm surprisingly productive and happy thus far, got my laundry done, ran into friends twice and by a twist of fate perhaps, ended up having a nice little late lunch with them. Serendipity, how you please me. Now I just have to study for French, and if I'm productive enough I'm going to retire early and read my Elle magazine before dozing off.

Another week is starting and it's safe to say I have certain goals.

RJ, I'm copying you today. Songs of the moment:

Street Lights - Kanye West
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
So Beautiful - Dashboard Confessional
A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
In My Life - The Beatles
You & I Both - Jason Mraz
Song for a Friend - Jason Mraz

cruise control

Here we are! The end of the week has finally been reached. For the most part I spent it in autopilot -- which I'm sure you guys understand, if not from your own lives, but from my recent blog posts. Yeah, I've been complaining. Or not complaining specifically but wondering and over-thinking too much, as usual, I guess.

Every day felt like the same thing again and again. Maybe it's because I have to wake up at the same time every day, that when I turn and see the clock hands pointing at 8:30 AM every morning, it just feels like some weird deja vu, as if I'm heading into a day that I've already lived through once before.

So it was school, that was routine enough. Work, very routine. Even social functions & friendships are getting strained as everyone starts to divert their attention to their own lives and own interests. It's not necessarily that I'm feeling left behind...maybe just that everyone is so certain of what they want, and I'm a little more susceptible to just floating for a while.

Anyway, I cruise controlled myself through the week and ended up here, this paradise of a Friday afternoon. I'm planning on cleaning/reorganizing my room because...busy weeks = messy rooms, complete with clothes cast aside as they were deemed unworthy outfit choices. I need to plan my weekend and get started on writing a piece for the new U which is due this Sunday. I need to catch up on notes/readings from the week...

This is starting to turn into a to-do list, and I already have too many of those.

Things I am looking forward to:
-football game tonight between 2 frats. (: I'm pretty good friends with one of the frats and they invited me to come out and support. I'm excited -- I miss watching football, as little as I understand it. I miss HIGH SCHOOL and HOMECOMING, sigh sigh sigh.
-JASON MRAZ concert on Saturday! To be honest at this moment I'm not supremely thrilled or anything...but I suppose that's just because I'm in mellowed-out finally-Friday stage. A good nights sleep and a little bit of fun will definitely change that for me.

But yeah lately I've been feeling like a granny. Not wanting to do much, just wanting to get to bed early or have a little ME time. I should seriously start learning how to knit and/or play bridge.

end of the day blues

Work is really starting to pile up, I'm feeling like I'm falling behind. I'm starting to get a little worried about my schedule too. Juggling school, work, social life, SLEEP, and a smattering of other things I'm trying to get involved in. Still waiting on a call from ASUCI (still crossing my fingers), haven't yet gotten around to writing a piece for the New U, and have just recently started trying to figure out how H.O.T tutoring is going to fit in to my schedule.

I will admit I'm getting a little stressed about how hectic things may be getting...but perhaps it's solely because things are still settling. Once my schedule gets a bit more stable maybe I'll feel more secure.

It just seems like time passes so quickly these days and I can't ever really get around to everything I want to do. Suddenly it's 12 midnight and I'm reminding myself to head to bed, gotta be up at 8:30 to get ready for yet another day.

On the bright side I'm never bored...there are always things to look forward to and I'm always pre-planning and making lists of things to accomplish. Goals goals goals...but sometimes perhaps too many? I just feel that my plate last year was so empty, that now, maybe my eyes are bigger than my stomach. We'll see...I'm gonna jump into this full speed and see if I crash and burn.

Still feels like somethings a little lacking. I'd love to sit and think and talk fluidly for a long time, without worrying about time or another topic to discuss.

back to reality

I have been home for less than one hour and already I have made five separate lists of things to do before I go back to Irvine. SIGH, back to reality much?

My last night in Singapore I tossed and turned, insomnia-stricken, my mind running wild with tons of things to write about -- the trip, my experiences, observations, resolutions, etc...but now I'm kind of lazy. I just want to sit and be home for a while, vegetate for a bit. Real blog coming tomorrow I guess. I only have a week before I'm back at school sooo...busy days ahead! (:

looking back

If you could re-do the past year, would you?

---

A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.

When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.

Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.

There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.

I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?

I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.

be still

Today was a weird day for me. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Lucky for me there are things in my life that can easily change that. For instance, this amazing view with these amazing people...I wanted to freeze time and sit there for eternity, not saying a word. Like I said before, sometimes things just feel right.

And sometimes it feels like the world is whizzing by. People are going to college soon and I'm embarking on this rather epic Asia-journey in a little over a week. The summer is passing by faster than I expected -- but each moment is rich and valued so I don't really feel at a loss. Some things are falling into place, which I'm enjoying. And the things that aren't...I don't really miss. I feel a definite change in myself and others. Change is good.

And something I learned: sometimes I need to just be quiet and appreciate. It's usually my instinct to have something to say...but sometimes silence speaks for itself. Right?

alone

"We all need somebody to lean on."
Do we?

I've been a strong proponent/admirer of independence for a very long time. If you can't depend on yourself, then who are you going to depend on? If you can't be happy being a singular self, how can you be happy with someone else? If you can't make it alone, how will you make it at all?

We're not completely alone, however. There are people who trip in and out of our lives, passers by in a personalized journey that you ultimately travel alone. They do bring happiness, they bring security and comfort, they bring a lot of things into your life. But their segment in your life comes to a conclusion soon enough and then they fade, left to be a happy memory. And new people come in to bring happiness/encouragement/intimacy etc. back in. You choose to let them bring that back to you. You pick and choose who comes in and out and what they bring to your door.

So purely alone, but we try so hard to have someone and to surround ourselves with people. Humans are social beings, I accept and embrace that fact, in fact I am living that fact. But I also appreciate and cherish the time when I can be reclusive and utterly alone. My apartment is empty most nights, I enjoy the quiet and the allowances it brings me. Only my light is on and my music is blasting, with no regards of being a bother.

I was not aware that there were people who feared so much what I enjoy.
Just recently I've met people who can't stand being alone. Who are afraid of being alone in their own home, at day or at night, who not only desire the presence of other people close by at all times, but say that they NEED this constant company. It really surprised me. But you come across all kinds of people in life.

---
Every day I ask myself what I'm looking for; every day, the answer changes.

every day is different

and exciting. I don't think I'll ever be able to be truly CONTENT with my life; there are always things that I want to do and ways I can better myself and experiences that are offered. That's my happiness, I guess. Never knowing whats coming next and just going with whatever comes your way.

I have been busy...it's been good.

I had a good conversation today about caring. Like actively deciding what to care about and what to think about and neglecting the things that you deem unnecessary. He said just care about what you have to care about because everything else will blow over. SO right, I just need to remember to apply this to my life more, because lately I tend to get swept away by every little breeze. It's fun I guess, but to be anchored is more practical.

My midterm is tomorrow which is why I decided to write a blog that trails off and has no definite substance. Should really study.

Plus, I'm waiting for a real blog worthy thought to enter my head.
Till then, stay free of swine flu!

oh lately it's so quiet

it's perfect timing, really.

My parents+sister came down to visit today; so we spent some green on delicious food & clothing. My tame Saturday ends thus: cleaned my room, wrote, etc. And this, I suppose.

DIRECTIONS:
- Go to Google image search.
- Type in your answer to each question.
- Choose a picture
- Use this website (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php) to make your collage.
- Save the image for use in this note.
- Post and tag all your friends.

QUESTIONS:
1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. How are you feeling right now?
11. What do you love most in the world?
12. What do you want to be when you grow up?



It was entertaining.