I wish I wrote these words

Mraz got there first.

A Beautiful Mess

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
and based on your body language and shoddy cursive i've been reading
your style is quite selective
though your mind is rather reckless
well i guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear

cause here we are
here we are

although you are biased, i love your advice
your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
there's no shame in being crazy
depending on how you take these words i'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is a life i've heard
but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
oh, dear
cause here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
we're still here

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess
when the only answer is yes

and through timeless words
and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn
and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern
when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses
and stained our shirts
but it's nice today
oh the wait was so worth it

---

kid cudi speaks:
"worst thing in the world is emotions so i'm sitting here trying to go through the motions"

so actually

SUMMER
June 12 or 13: come home
June 21: leave home
June 22: move in to my APARTMENT hollaaa (:
June 22-July 29: summer school
July 30-August 23: home
August 23-September 12: Indonesia
September 12-September 19: HOME
September 21: school starts

COOL...visit me please. Empty apartment, Disneyland & the beach close by.
Kind of a bummer, I'm only gonna be home for like a month total. OH WELL, such is life!

cut the crap

What are you doing in college? What are you looking for? An actual education? Fun? Lasting friendships? A relationship? Experiences that will help you get a job? Life lessons? The chance to experiment?

Honestly, why are we where we are right now? Past the reasoning that my father paid for this academic pathway and that's how I'm in this dorm, what am I REALLY doing here?

Success, I just overused my question mark key. But seriously. Answers appreciated.

tunnels

Today in my pointless HumCore discussion we somehow reached an interesting topic. Apparently, there are tunnels running underneath the UCI campus, connecting from Mesa Court (one end of campus) to Campus Village (other far end of campus). I've heard this before but today in class several people justified the existence of these tunnels and said that they saw people using them/have friends who have been inside.

This is definitely on my to-do list.

I've also heard that while UCI was being built in the 60's, the idea of these tunnels arose as a mechanism for preventing protests/rallies. The tunnels are supposed to let policemen get from point A to point B without detection so they can catch bad guys and such. What I also found interesting is that the intent of making UCI an anti-protest campus was a knee-jerk reaction to all the activity at Berkeley in the 60's. Haha, lucky us with our underground police tunnels and dormant political life.

---

I also really have to get my ass in gear. Also, everyone should get a twitter.
Yeah, I'm not the happiest right now. Oh well.

there is

so much that I could say right now, about this weekend of fails, about this learning experience that was thrust upon me, about this desire I have to write about some things that elude my understanding. But I have to save these words for another time, because I'm swamped and sleepy and to be honest, quite intimidated by the sheer amount of things that are on my mind. Once I start, I will never stop, so I will save it for a journal entry accompanied by hand cramps.

---

The Fray and Melee have been bouncing around in my mind all day. And all day I have avoided doing homework as per usual. I didn't even do my laundry or vacuum, I'm disgusting I know! Honestly if you asked me what I did today I would be at a loss for words. But I did have some very good fries at In-N-Out so it is not really a day wasted, right?

I cannot believe that it is week 9 already! I have to pick my classes this week (humcore, management, french? logic&linguistics? chemistry of cooking?) and possibly arrange a date for my community service...hah. I'm also planning on watching the free showing of Milk, and volunteering for Jumpstart tomorrow with a hallmate. Add in some hardcore catching up in classes and excercise and you have my week. I need some strength...

This quote stood out to me today:
"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."
It's hard for me to accept weakness, though; in both myself and others.

so it's raining.

Which is quite an odd phenomenon around here.

In other news, I have finished my first round of midterms for this quarter! Hoorah. Although I am pretty sure I epically failed my Beatles midterm. Who knew the class that makes me happiest also could cause me this much stress.

I'm pretty exhausted but my room is also in the worst disorder. I can't decide whether to take a nap or clean my room! Oh bother.

this, i miss

Walking home by the railroad.




Cupertino in the summer time.




Walking to the park.



Stillness and beauty...& being alone to appreciate it.



The chemistry and the crazy and the "THIS IS IT" factor.

---

I'm getting antsy; I can't stay still for long. I need a change of scenery. Talk of escaping to Pasadena and NorCal and LA are especially enticing right now.

I want to go on a nice hike and see the view. Not the smog, the view.

In other news, my midterms remain un-studied for and my tan lines have become more definite. I am half pleased.

GG failed.

Another thing on my mind: project 365. One photo every day for a year to represent each day. It's not too late to start, right? And I finally have a working camera, thanks to friendly people and some Scotch tape. I'll start tomorrow!

The Grand Slam breakfast tomorrow at Denny's! Waking up bright and early, 5:30 AM. Good thing I am getting all my REM.

"You rock, don't change."

Okay, I admit that I am probably more hormonal/stressed/exhausted/emotional than I ever thought a human being could possibly be, but I am at a strange place dealing with strange circumstances and feeling strange emotions. I'm not going to go into detail because I really think overall this is going to blow over and I will laugh at this and learn from this and ultimately forget about this, so I won't immortalize it in words on the web.

Anyway, I was having a pretty grumpy day. I went to bed angry and frustrated, woke up angry and frustrated, got more angry and frustrated as I tragically failed my midterm, and pretty much decided that something must be done about the piles of bullshit that I was wading into. So I read a magazine, wore my pajamas all day, watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, listened to emo music, talked to people I actually like, took some tips from Nina Garcia, and reminisced on good ole high school days by reading all my yearbook entries.

Reading all the nice things my homies wrote for me ages ago is so touching! I miss the good times and the chemistry and trust between us all, and I miss people a lot. People who I didn't really think I would miss that much, I do. It'll never be the same way again, I realize, but I think I've made my peace with that. You can't really keep going forward if you're concentrating on the past, cause then you'll just miss out.

Somewhere between Breakfast at Tiffany's and Nina Garcia's Little Black Book I hit upon a goldmine. I keep being disloyal to myself and what I really want, and it frustrates me. Like I think what happened is I pretty much drowned in the day to day drama and I let it get to me too much, such that I forgot about who I am and what really matters to me. I'd like to say that I'm past it all, but truth be told, I'm not. It takes a while for me to get un-grumpy about situations and I know I can't force it anymore. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I need to forget about it!

A lot of people wrote in my yearbook, "Don't change." Things like that. That's hard; people are always changing. Everything changes! It's all transient.

here again

I don't know whether or not I'm at home when I'm at Cupertino still! And in all honesty I'm not even in Cupertino, I'm in Santa Clara. Which causes confusion for poor little me. I live way too far. ):

I feel like wherever you go there will just be people you love and who (hopefully) love you back. That's where home is, I guess.

I think I'm in an incredibly crappy mood! But I will push on, regardless.

SO fall quarter is over, and I did learn a lot. Not necessarily book-knowledge but like...life knowledge. Haha, hooray for experience beating you in the face with a brick. That was a little harsh, fall quarter was nothing like that! I coasted along for the most part with some bumps along the way, but that is generally how things go for me anyhow.

Lessons learned?
1. Know how to focus on yourself and what you need to take care of. IE, if you have class early in the morning the next day, do NOT stay up until 4am with people who don't have class until the afternoon. Not really the best idea.
2. Don't spend so much money. Seriously. I NEED A JOB.
3. Eating ramen overly much isn't really the best idea. Not really.
4. TIME MANAGEMENT is crucial! But we have all heard that one before, duh.
5. Yes, college is different. Adjustments must be made, do not be so surprised/naive.

Goals for next quarter:
-sign up for dance classes
-go to the ARC regularly
-work on not eating super late at night
-work on not staying up super late, for that matter.
-be on top of my schoolwork

Okay...I'm done but not really. Boo. I think a really nice long nap would help me. I'm not in the cheeriest of spirits. \=

MEH.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-eu-britain-new-word,0,1807854.story
'Meh' is officially a word! Suck it, fancy English. We're slowly ushering in the official age of internet-inspired lingo. Can't wait to use GTFO in my next paper! Haha.

This formal introduction of 'meh' into everyday language comes at perhaps the most perfect time. There is no other word right now to better describe how I feel about college, boys, studying, drama, etc. Meh. It's all temporary, so why give it more attention and stress than it really deserves, right?

Meh is a way of life.

Anyway, to the more substantial portion of my blog, in bullet points this time because I am lazy and hungry.
-My Ramen supply is dwindling rapidly, I fear I will starve to death.
-I changed my meal plan for next quarter so I won't have to be Ramen girl again (hopefully).
-I really have nothing else to say.

Only like a week more until I get to go home. I feel like it will be such a welcome release and I am pining for it and counting down the days until I can reunite with my favorites again. I miss you guys. ):

I close with this quote, because this is how I feel ATM:
"Maybe we could be each others soul mates. And then we could just let men be these great nice guys to have fun with." -Sex and the City

Ah, the wisdom of single ladies in staggering Jimmy Choos will never fail me. And my love-hate relationship with that show is, I think, permanently on the love side now. SJP/Carrie just bug me to no end, but whatever.

GOSSIP GIRL IS ON NOW!! I miss my GG crew. ):

strange days at uc irvine

I am in a strange mood so I suppose I will spread the love by writing up a strange post for all you lovely strange people...if you are here, that is.

It is Saturday, obviously. I got to hang out with Crystal yesterday and it was so very refreshing to get to just sit down and be chill and strange again. It feels like home. It sucked to have to say bye to her after only like an hour though, but I did have a very nice walk back to Middle Earth. The sky was perfect and the moon and stars were beautiful as well. Later on in the night I got the opportunity to go out and see the stars again and the city lights in the distance and it made me feel good. Hoorah.

Yesterday I went to Roscoes in Long Beach with some hallmates. It was delicious! Also very fattening but it is okay. We thought we saw Common but it was not him, just a lookalike. Quite unfortunate. I ate a hunk of cornbread that was the size of my face as well as the big momma special. I really got a kick out of ordering that. Also, I forgot what I was going to say after that so I'm sitting here pretending that I know what I'm saying. Moving on. OH! There was a FAT protest going on while we were there, which was exciting! People were marching on the street with signs saying NO ON PROP 8 and it was heartwarming and yummy. I wanted to join but my homies wanted to go home.

I should currently be working on my Humanities Core project because it needs my utter devotion and time quite like a small child would. Henceforth I will refer to it as my baby. My baby has five parents, four of which I will deem incompetent and confused. Of course this group does not include myself because I am ever so informed and responsible. If you are not getting the sarcasm that is dripping off the previous sentence then you are a sad, sad person. Anyway, I feel like I am the only person in my group who understands what we are supposed to do. The rest of them are following a sad, delusional pathway into a dark forest with trees that grow fruits shaped like F's. I WANT TO GO TO THE FOREST WITH A's!!! So for now I am trekking alone and re-shaping our ideas, possibly later on today I will sound the call and they will run to me like eager young puppies.

I am a terrible person and that was a really strange paragraph! Please forgive.

I have been in Irvine for over a month and I still have not been to the beach (during the day) or to a sports game. Thankfully the latter will change as of tonight at 7PM! I'm going to the opening game of the men's basketball season and I am supremely excited to make an anteater sign and yell ZOT ZOT ZOT with full force! Unfortunately I have a little bit of a sore throat (I may be sick, but I am also in denial) so my ZOTS! might be a little less energetic than usual. I had Airborne today for the first time...and I ate a tablespoon of honey with my brunch, my RA does that every day and she has not been sick for three years! So I am adopting this practice in the hopes that I too will have superhuman immunity. I am also excited to get a free CIA (crazy insane anteaters, UCI version of Bull Spirit) t-shirt tonight, so my friends and I are going to the Bren Events Center about an hour and a half early. YAY!

What else. I went clubbing on Thursday night, which resulted in a very tired Friday morning. But it was SO WORTH IT. I danced with a very cute Robin Hood. And there was also this big Asian guy dressed up as a...IDK what he was, but he had on like a bulletproof vest or something. Bulletproof monk perhaps. Anyway he was ridiculously inappropriate and humped the floor and countless other things, which was mildly entertaining but also disgusting. Also there was some guy dressed up like a tree with leaves stuck all over him, like ALL OVER HIM. And he was dancing next to me and seriously I was getting like leaf-burn. It was annoying to say the least. My friends and I dressed up as the Mean Girls with boobie holes, like when Janice cuts circles in Regina's tank top? Yeah, we were desperate for a costume but we did get some props from the girls who understood our reference. We also received many confused stares and head scratches from some boys but who needs them anyway.

The word 'strange' reminds me of that one TV show, Strange Days at Blake Holsey (???) High. So that is what I am referring to in the title of this odd blog.

I reorganized my whole closet on Friday Night.

Oh and everyone has written about Obama winning already but I would just like to contribute my piece! YAY!!! At the time when it was announced I was definitely running into an air mattress that was propped up against the wall. I have learned that air mattresses provide unlimited amounts of fun. I'm bummed that I wasn't more involved in the counting process, but it is okay. I enjoyed myself and I did partake in some post-election debates and excitement so all is well!

I guess I'm peacin out...I have a midterm on Monday and my HumCore baby is screaming at the top of its nonexistent philosophical lungs so I must go be mothering. People are hookah-ing tonight so I am excited to be left alone for ONCE! Sorry, I'm not hating but I do not like people in general right now. I am in a strange place. Toodles!