decisions, decisions

So I think Australia is not going to work out after all.

After all this stress and thought that I put into it, maybe I'm a little thankful to be releasing it? I mean now is not a good time for me to be thinking about much other than the present, because the present is pretty much a giant, tentacled sea monster wrapping itself around me and pulling me into the depths of the ocean. It's just so much more work and research and meetings and questions to answer that I don't want to deal with anymore. Is it really worth it?

Maybe I won't know and maybe I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime (I probably am) but at the moment I'm so, so willing to let it go and focus on the classes that I have right now that I am getting behind on. Seriously thinking about study abroad is so taxing...and I was a little surprised to find that I was relieved to find myself a concrete reason to not do it.

The thing is, if I major in Lit Journ, there are a number of courses that I have to take in a specific order, because they are prerequisites for other required classes. And some of these are only offered once per year so it's already a pretty tightly planned schedule. And since I've only started taking LJ classes this quarter, I would consider myself a little bit late. Going abroad for one quarter would probably push my graduation date further and this isn't something I'm willing to do. Though I'm not 100 percent sure that I'd have to graduate later, I'd rather have a less hectic college experience and be on campus and follow the schedule without having to worry about courses transferring over and stuff like that.

And yes, this is pretty much a post convincing myself that study abroad is not a good option for me. I mean, I've had these wishy-washy thoughts before, but I guess they were always pansy enough for me to quash them and continue researching, telling myself I'm doing myself a huge favor.

It's too much money, too much hassle, too much to think about, etc...Right now I will say that having study abroad off my plate frees up my to-do list quite a bit and gives me time to consider other opportunities that were all banking on study abroad. Maybe I'll regret this after I graduate but HEY, five-year-later-self if you are reading this, YOU ARE STRESSED RIGHT NOW, and seriously don't have the time to do this and you are panicking! Do your best on campus at UCI! Work a lot, save BANK, graduate early, and then go to Australia to frolic however you please!!! And then go to Italy and France too, and Egypt! And all those places you researched when you thought you were going to do study abroad! SERIOUSLY!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!

I guess I do a good job of convincing myself. And though it is with a heavy heart that I put away my Australia pamphlets, I guess I know it's for the best. I'm not strong enough to fight through all these obstacles right now, I hardly have the state of mind to conjugate simple French verbs as it is.

Heave sigh. Onward, ho. This is just the week of getting over things and over things and over things. Somehow, still, I have SO much to think about and do. EFF. And I do realize it was an opportunity to escape -- but what did I expect? That school in Australia would be way more chill than school here? Think again. I need to stop trying to run from the fact that I need to put in work to succeed, no matter how much I dislike it or the environment or whatever. I just need to learn how to suck it up. GOD. I'm such a wimp.

I guess that's the thing with decisions -- I thought it was all about making positive decisions, like YES I'm going to do this, but now I also understand that you have to make decisions to opt out, to know when to say NAY. Oh, bugger. Crikey. But I will end on a cliche -- one door closes and others open! That's how I feel.

goodbye optimism

OH MY GOD, I just had the most stressful two hours of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me but I really, really can NOT approach strangers. It puts me so outside of my comfort zone and makes me perspire unattractively and get all tense and nervous and seriously today, I felt like I was gonna hurl not once but TWICE! Once in French for unknown reasons and once after overthinking and feeling weird and judged and creepy and blEHHEhhh.

So my Lit Jrn teacher assigned us a "stranger interview" in which we have to find a random stranger and ask them about their life, get a couple of key points and moments that stand out to them.

I sat in Panera with my friend for 1.5 hours eying potential interviewees and chewing on my straw. No success there, I just got even more tangled up in this frustration and lack of self-confidence type deal that is attacking me like the FLU right now. Seriously, I need a prescription for this disease because I (think I am) better than this. Usually. Sometimes. Under the right circumstances.

Right now is just SO NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm okay talking to random people about things like shampoo and cookies, cause that's like common ground. But right off the bat asking an utter stranger for an interview? Not my cup of tea. And add in that I have to DIG and ask them about personal details of their life and ask for contact info and stuff like that for absolutely NO REASON AT ALL...it is just overwhelming and pointless and I am really just not good at this. I don't even see the point! Really.

Then we went to Target and I tried to interview this one guy and he totally shot me down. I take all rejections somewhat personally, that is just how I am, so yes, right now my tiny ego could probably balance on the head of a pin.

Top it all off with the fact that some douche biker hit my friend's car while we were in it and then proceeded to flip us off twice. TWICE. WHYYY. WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU? And yes, again, I am taking this a little personally, because it was just so incredibly rude! WHO DOES THAT!?

Okay. Logical side of me (which is still here, somehow, though quite diminished) tells me that this is all bogus and I am just being crazy. Snap out of it, get a tougher skin if you're ever going to succeed in the sharktank of life. Especially if you're gonna be a journalist.

DO I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS ANYWAY?! OH LAWD.

Um, good news good news......just so this blog isn't a veritable breeding ground for bad moods and grouchy thoughts...

-my check that UCI lost should be coming for me within the next two days

-I bought new eyeliner...if this bad mood continues I am going to be very veryyy poor...

THAT'S IT. How am I supposed to finish this assignment? Should I just binge-eat myself into a lull and then just choke on a pecan or something and then die fat and lonely and without having even completed ONE homework assignment successfully? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm making really good salad for dinner. REALLY, REALLY GOOD SALAD.

dear self,

You miss ice skating. YOU DO. Stop ignoring that fact, start making more effort to get it back into your life.

Today I watched the Stars on Ice special on NBC and I sat there and was jealous of them for being able to do that all their life. I watched and something in me woke up and said HEY, THAT COULD BE YOU. Okay, on a smaller scale, but dammit, I want it back.

So 2010,

I will be on the ice during spring break and in the summer. I will try to get a job as a skating teacher, and I will try to perform at some cheesy little exhibition or SOMETHING. I WILL.

Dear self, you also really need your drivers license.

The fact that you can never spell 'license' correctly without spell-check does NOT take from the fact that YOU NEED ONE. DESPERATELY. You complain of dependency and feeling trapped and YET, not once over break did you practice driving with your father and further yourself onto this path that you have elongated unnecessarily.

In 2010, I WILL GET MY LICENSE and dammit I spelled it wrong again. Thank you gods of google chrome.

Dear self, you should also probably get healthier. Eating & portioning right is more fun than cramming your face with pounds upon pounds of preservatives and chemicalized food. ALSO, SALT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! It is not its own food group, stop treating it like it is.

Dear self, you used to be flexible once. Now when your ham strings hurt when you stretch it DOES mean that you are old and decrepit. Stretching is good for blood flow and fitness and all that other mumbo jumbo, take some time out of your (NON) busy life to STRETCH, maybe it will make you happier and more sprightly.

Good job for buying floss and milk today at the store. Pat on the back.

Dear self, making decisions is good. Remembering that you have goals for the future is also good. And remembering that you DO want to live past twenty five and DO NOT want to die of liver failure would probably be beneficial when you have to make some decisions. Sleeping at normal hours is also good.

Dear self, packing your clothes at 3:00 AM should not make you want to cry. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF. STOP BUYING THINGS. You could clothe a small country. Remember, you are just ONE GIRL. Not a small country.

Instead of buying more clothes, remember that you DO want to buy a DSLR and that you DO want to go to Australia, and that you should probably start saving for retirement and fancy things like that.

---

That was semi-weird. Anyway. I am back in Irvine, and un-packing all my STUFF made me want to cry (again), my laptop experiencing difficulty made me want to cry (again), and sitting here thinking of the next ten weeks makes me...want to sleep forever. Or run home. And you know how much I hate running so take this to heart.

Irvine. Oh, Irvine. I return to you with such bitterness in my heart. Feelings of frustration and anxiety and depression clog the pipes of my mind like the drain of a bathtub of a very hairy man.

I just can't explain, but I do feel so very trapped here. It is all so planned out and perfect. I really can't explain. But the good thing is, I have GOALS for this quarter.

Goals are like shiny things in your pocket that you keep around so that, when you start considering your pillow and that box of chocolates your best friend, and yes this will be happening in the near future, you can drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning and do the whole damn thing again BECAUSE you want to

-write for the New U and perhaps reach out to the souls of the soulless. Discover if there are real people out there. Good luck, here is a flashlight.

-DECLARE your major and minor, so when people ask what major you are, you don't have to lie and tell long stories about feeling lost and directionless and trying to find your identity and bogus bat-shit stuff like that, nobody really cares. Let's keep it simple. Declare a major and minor and there you have it, simple, one-word answers.

-get your plan together to go to freaking Australia, so you can hug kangaroos and koalas (that are supposedly mean, but what gives, you'll find out for yourself) and scuba dive (even though you suck at it) and stay there long enough that you start sounding like those seagulls from Finding Nemo. Also hopefully pick up some culture and discard your ignorance and stop saying "crikey she's a beaut" when talking about Australia.

-SAVE MONEY, because you have TOO MUCH STUFF. George Clooney in Up In The Air and his backpack theory would not approve. (PS this is a very good movie, up for 6 Academy Awards, go watch plz.)

Also, other things to keep you happy when life is not the cat's meow or something:

-THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Hopefully George will be spectating and you will get to spectate George spectating. Do remember to still attend classes.

-Academy Awards & watching all the nominated movies. Culture yourself, do it. Culture yourself online for free, even better. Then make predictions and yell at the TV and all that good stuff. Awards shows = your equivalent to these basketball games people keep talking about.

-TV shows that have come highly recommended: 30 Rock, Glee, Entourage, Weeds. Do it. Be a hermit. Watch every single episode without leaving the comfort of your room.

-On the other hand SUNSHINE is a useful happiness-tool. Vitamin D yourself, but also SPF yourself.

-Reading for fun, people used to do it back in the day, some people have forgotten how, you fortunately live in the past and DO remember these things that they call "books", and well HEY you own a few! Let's crack em open!

Thinking positive is good. If that doesn't work, being cynical and making fun of anything that you can make fun of will probably be good. Making fun of people who don't know that they are being made fun of to their face is fun but not so good for your karma. Making fun of people who can hear you making fun of them is the worst. Karma is not your friend, being 10+ feet away from people and then opening your loud mouth is your friend.

Challenging yourself is good, because trying new things is good. Trying and failing is also good, because then you learn more about yourself and ALSO get to console yourself by eating lots of failure-food. And crying, you haven't done that in a while, I hear that's good for you too.

I am so weird right now. Whatever. Stay weird everyone, it makes life better. HAY 2010, I hope you are ready to be...had...yes.

P.S. You spend entirely too much time on facebook. Your internet "friends" are NOT THAT INTERESTING!!

is this it?

Is this what the future holds? I feel like I'm merely keeping myself occupied, filling the space between the times when my head leaves and hits the pillow. When does it start meaning something? When does it start becoming more than a title and become a part of who you are?

In other news I got a position as an intern for the Vendor Fairs at ASUCI.

In other other news...I went about today feeling very antisocial. A lot of times I noticed that I wasn't smiling. I don't really know why, maybe it was just one of THOSE days.

overwhelmed and undersatisfied

Like I mentioned before, so much has been going on...but I find that the moments I enjoy the most are probably spent here, in front of my computer. Solitary confinement perhaps, but it's more calming for me.

Yes, I'm sitting in THE glum t-shirt, wearing my comfiest undies, contemplating my life.

Lately I've been so indecisive, a trait that I usually hate to find in both myself and others. But I really can't shake this right now, for some reason.

N gave me some good advice..
Bcz I am MEAN: don't undervalue the goodness of shallow social life
Bcz I am MEAN: just make sure you don't lose the ability to have it

I know for a fact I can have it. I'm desiring it less and less though, as the opportunity comes around more and more. And more and more, it's starting to feel like a task instead of something I enjoy. To go out, make an appearance, make people laugh, project this image that I could so readily pick up at the door and discard as I left.

---

Today was a DGAF day. Need to have more of these.

I woke up around noon after having a confusing dream. Went to M's house to have an omelette and then started the day right -- at the mall. I proceeded to buy whatever I wanted without second guessing myself as often as I do. The result? Two pairs of new shoes, a couple of tops, and a skirt. An emptier wallet. A fuller stomach. But it was satisfying.

Afterwards we drove to Newport Beach. By this time it was around 7pm and getting pretty chilly, but it didn't matter much to me because the cold felt good. It felt real.

We sat on the sand as the world grew steadily darker around us. Releasing all the tension in my body and not caring whether or not sand got into my shorts, I lay back and saw one star in the light blue twilight. To my right, the faint post-sunset rainbow was fading, and to my left, the moon was rising. It was huge and calm, high above the dark beachfront houses. I lay in the cold sand thinking of absolutely nothing, watching the star sway above me, the clouds sliding past, and listening to the comforting roar of the ocean.

Something about the beach is so calming. It felt as though nothing could touch me. Nothing seemed to matter.

But then I came back and faced this confusion once more. I don't feel like myself, I feel like I've lost touch with what I really want.

---

On a brighter note, I'm very excited to wear my new clothes...ha. And next week is Jason Mraz in Hollywoodddd! (:

where did she go?

From the outside looking in, everything is fine and dandy.
But something beneath the surface keeps on taking me away from that "happy place", and I can't even really put my finger on it. It seems like everything is pulling me in a thousand different directions, including my emotions. It's an up and down ride and although I've gotten used to just waiting until things level out again, it always sucks when you're at a lull for no apparent reason.

School is going fine. Classes are alright so far, I definitely have to devote a lot more time to really learning the material but that's actually something I'm looking forward to this weekend. Locking myself up, being alone, and getting work done. I don't want to even hear about the outside world. I just don't want to be around people right now.

Ideally, right now, I'd be at Memorial Park, sitting in the grass, sipping Jamba Juice with some favorites and just...not talking. Awake-napping and simply being, as honestly and purely as we could ever be.

But the reality is that I am here still, and this escape is not something that can be granted to me. So this is my escape instead, I think. I will admit I've been slumming it around the apartment in oversize t-shirts the past few days, confused about my own confusion and wondering at my disappointments and shortcomings. Ramen has been surprisingly comforting.

Seriously though I can't really put my finger on what it is that is disappointing me so much. Perhaps that is just adding to the frustration as well. Because really, if I had to describe my mood as of late, I guess I would just say frustrated. Do me a favor and send me bowls/glasses/plates that you don't want, so I can smash them in the parking lot. And I know studies show that this doesn't actually relieve any stress or anything, I just want to hear the crash. I can imagine it, it feels so satisfying.

Maybe I just haven't gotten a hundred percent settled.

It could be that, or it could be several other push-pull factors that leave me feeling stretched and stranded in between the two poles.

Do I want this meaningless, shallow, social life? It's important for me to be well-liked and well-known but is this really the way to go about it?
Shouldn't I determine for myself who I hang out with and who I want to get to know?
But even so I don't feel as though I can do that. I can't determine it for myself. There are so many people that are outside of my grasp, and some of them penetrate my bubble and seek something from me, but I don't know what. I just feel so distant, and those who are trying to inch closer to me are quite unwelcome at this point.

I guess I'm feeling superbly elitist. I don't want to be around people at all right now. I want the world to freeze, to give me 24 hours of unlost time, to read and sleep and think and write, to regain some damn sense of self. After that I'll be the person that everyone expects me to be.

I feel like such a moody teen, but I guess that is, in reality, what I am. "NOBODY UNDERSTAAAAAAANDS ME!!!!!" Cry me a river.

At the same time that all of this is happening, I hate myself for being so stupid. Because I know this is a phase and I KNOW that everything is actually fine. But I hate myself for submitting to this unknown frustration. I just need to take a breath.

potential

I used to have it once.

---

Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"

But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.

They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.

It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.

I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.

Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.

"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?

There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.

---

And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?

I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.

If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.

closer

Closer to my dreams
I'm gettin' higher
I feel it in my sleep
I said I'm gettin' higher
And closer to my dreams
Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on
Closer to my dreams

-Closer, Drake ft. Andreena Mill

---

So lately I've been talking and thinking about the future, the way that young people usually do. Within my friend group, I feel like there is so much potential and so many opportunities and I can't wait to see my friends succeed. Imagining where we'll be 10 years from now is such a trip. I want to see everyone grow up and fulfill their dreams.

Because now we actually CAN chase our dreams. As C and I wound around darkening roads last night, we talked about growing up and realizing that you can actually go after what you want. As children, there were always things that we desired, but we didn't have the means to go about and acquire them. As we grow up freedom is handed to us, through licenses, keys, connections, jobs, skills...etc. The only thing we have to do is actually utilize what we have to get what we want. That's growing up, I guess. Having less restrictions and being more able to get to where you want to be.

But restrictions will always exist...and lately, it seems that they especially like to exist in my life, at least at home. There's so much that I want to do but when I'm at home, my life gets smaller. I have a curfew, and I have to ask permission, and I am dependent. It's nice to "marinate" and relax I guess, but I'm in an ambitious sort of mood, so sitting at home just frustrates me.

Right now I just can't wait to escape. The family trip coming up is definitely something I'm looking forward to, I love travel and I know this trip will provide me some sights and sounds that will give me a lot to think about. Even more though, I want to be back at Irvine. Being home has made me realize how much more I can DO in Irvine, and all the opportunities I need to take advantage of. So I want to be there while I'm still in this "get things done" mood.

unreachable

where is everyone! ):

true or false:
all we really want is to feel like we belong.

i miss you guys

cut the crap

What are you doing in college? What are you looking for? An actual education? Fun? Lasting friendships? A relationship? Experiences that will help you get a job? Life lessons? The chance to experiment?

Honestly, why are we where we are right now? Past the reasoning that my father paid for this academic pathway and that's how I'm in this dorm, what am I REALLY doing here?

Success, I just overused my question mark key. But seriously. Answers appreciated.

the coolhunt

HumCore lecture got decidedly interesting as my professor assigned some reading about the coolhunt and then proceeded to discuss the fashion/photography/culture of the streets. Praise thee for relating this to Jane Jacobs in some distant way.

Basically I read some essays by Malcolm Gladwell and gathered the following about "cool":
1. It takes someone cool to recognize someone else who is cool.
2. You can't manufacture cool.
3. Once you call it cool, it is no longer cool.

Cool is a paradox.

It's interesting -- check out the flow of cool:
1. It starts with street culture. On the streets it's individual, original, unique.
2. Cool hunters find it, communicate the trend to the brands.
3. The brands mass produce the "cool" item/trend.
4. Trickles down to the mall-friendly masses.
At step 4, it ceases to be cool. Once step 1 reaches step 4, step 1 is already embracing something totally different.

Oh, and there are actual careers centered around cool hunting. Coolhunters run around on the streets finding out what kids think are in, then collaborate and create lists like the Hot Sheet and the L Report for companies that are trying to revive their cool...


...like Reebok.

Celebrity endorsements help too, I guess. I thought it was funny that I read this 1997 essay last night about how Reebok was trying to regain their cool, then I woke up and here is Leighton Meester endorsing Reebok in 2009, and I still don't see Reebok as cool, sorry. I guess there's only so much you can do.

So what is cool, really?
Personally, I find individuality cool. Dressing uniquely, living differently, thinking independently, and letting that all manifest itself upon your being as you strut out into the world for judgement and scrutiny without fear. Being cool is separating yourself from the masses. Living with inspiration and self-awareness and confidence. But that is just my opinion. Everyone wants to be cool, and everyone is different which is cool. Somehow still, most everyone is riding on the coattails of cool instead of being at the forefront of it. (So how do we get there?)

Something lacking in Irvine is culture. I thought about this as I walked around campus today; everyone pretty much dresses cookie cutter, and even if they dress differently than most people, it is still the same as other people. It kind of pains me, but it is okay because I have street fashion blogs to look at for my source of urban diversity. Still though, I would like to walk around and find someone's outfit utterly inspiring... but again, I am not contributing in any way to the culture of Irvine, because I have literally been living in my Hanes T's and AA jackets and Rainbows and all those other typical SoCal items.

This whole post was kind of a DUH. But I was extremely glad to be studying something of the now as opposed to those late great philosophers and opera composers. And how cool would it be to be a coolhunter? Legitimate.

tunnels

Today in my pointless HumCore discussion we somehow reached an interesting topic. Apparently, there are tunnels running underneath the UCI campus, connecting from Mesa Court (one end of campus) to Campus Village (other far end of campus). I've heard this before but today in class several people justified the existence of these tunnels and said that they saw people using them/have friends who have been inside.

This is definitely on my to-do list.

I've also heard that while UCI was being built in the 60's, the idea of these tunnels arose as a mechanism for preventing protests/rallies. The tunnels are supposed to let policemen get from point A to point B without detection so they can catch bad guys and such. What I also found interesting is that the intent of making UCI an anti-protest campus was a knee-jerk reaction to all the activity at Berkeley in the 60's. Haha, lucky us with our underground police tunnels and dormant political life.

---

I also really have to get my ass in gear. Also, everyone should get a twitter.
Yeah, I'm not the happiest right now. Oh well.

there is

so much that I could say right now, about this weekend of fails, about this learning experience that was thrust upon me, about this desire I have to write about some things that elude my understanding. But I have to save these words for another time, because I'm swamped and sleepy and to be honest, quite intimidated by the sheer amount of things that are on my mind. Once I start, I will never stop, so I will save it for a journal entry accompanied by hand cramps.

---

The Fray and Melee have been bouncing around in my mind all day. And all day I have avoided doing homework as per usual. I didn't even do my laundry or vacuum, I'm disgusting I know! Honestly if you asked me what I did today I would be at a loss for words. But I did have some very good fries at In-N-Out so it is not really a day wasted, right?

I cannot believe that it is week 9 already! I have to pick my classes this week (humcore, management, french? logic&linguistics? chemistry of cooking?) and possibly arrange a date for my community service...hah. I'm also planning on watching the free showing of Milk, and volunteering for Jumpstart tomorrow with a hallmate. Add in some hardcore catching up in classes and excercise and you have my week. I need some strength...

This quote stood out to me today:
"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."
It's hard for me to accept weakness, though; in both myself and others.

this, i miss

Walking home by the railroad.




Cupertino in the summer time.




Walking to the park.



Stillness and beauty...& being alone to appreciate it.



The chemistry and the crazy and the "THIS IS IT" factor.

---

I'm getting antsy; I can't stay still for long. I need a change of scenery. Talk of escaping to Pasadena and NorCal and LA are especially enticing right now.

I want to go on a nice hike and see the view. Not the smog, the view.

In other news, my midterms remain un-studied for and my tan lines have become more definite. I am half pleased.

GG failed.

Another thing on my mind: project 365. One photo every day for a year to represent each day. It's not too late to start, right? And I finally have a working camera, thanks to friendly people and some Scotch tape. I'll start tomorrow!

The Grand Slam breakfast tomorrow at Denny's! Waking up bright and early, 5:30 AM. Good thing I am getting all my REM.

here again

I don't know whether or not I'm at home when I'm at Cupertino still! And in all honesty I'm not even in Cupertino, I'm in Santa Clara. Which causes confusion for poor little me. I live way too far. ):

I feel like wherever you go there will just be people you love and who (hopefully) love you back. That's where home is, I guess.

I think I'm in an incredibly crappy mood! But I will push on, regardless.

SO fall quarter is over, and I did learn a lot. Not necessarily book-knowledge but like...life knowledge. Haha, hooray for experience beating you in the face with a brick. That was a little harsh, fall quarter was nothing like that! I coasted along for the most part with some bumps along the way, but that is generally how things go for me anyhow.

Lessons learned?
1. Know how to focus on yourself and what you need to take care of. IE, if you have class early in the morning the next day, do NOT stay up until 4am with people who don't have class until the afternoon. Not really the best idea.
2. Don't spend so much money. Seriously. I NEED A JOB.
3. Eating ramen overly much isn't really the best idea. Not really.
4. TIME MANAGEMENT is crucial! But we have all heard that one before, duh.
5. Yes, college is different. Adjustments must be made, do not be so surprised/naive.

Goals for next quarter:
-sign up for dance classes
-go to the ARC regularly
-work on not eating super late at night
-work on not staying up super late, for that matter.
-be on top of my schoolwork

Okay...I'm done but not really. Boo. I think a really nice long nap would help me. I'm not in the cheeriest of spirits. \=

i should be sleeping

but I wanted to say a couple things.

1. I miss having people around me that I can really really count on. And I miss going to Donut Wheel late at night and talking about everything instead of actually doing homework.

2. Basically I miss having the really good conversations with friends.

3. I miss being around people who know how flawed I am and hang out with me anyway.

4. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now than at home, in my own bed, dreaming the night away with the knowledge that the people I love best are just a short drive away.

5. There are maybe thousands of things that I miss right now, and the list would probably bore you to death and make me tear up in some sort of over-emotional state. But yeah, keep it together, right?

6. I miss being the me that I was used to.

7. All this missing...and a small part of me beats myself up for not being able to fully enjoy my college experience or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.

Ok, everyone misses home and I bet all this is old news for you guys. I just needed to vent right now. Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow so you guys can all ignore the maybe hormonal blog posts of a jaded teenager at three in the morning. WOW, that is a winning combination.

Bye from a rather glum anteater in Irvine.