recap

SO much has happened in the past like...two days. Bullet points necessary.

FRIDAY

-got initiated into Gamma Phi Beta. (: Got letters and everything! HOLLER

-got into a verbal fight with a close-minded, disrespectful, belligerent scumbag, would have gotten physical if people were not in the way. HOLD ME BACK. Investing in ninja stars soon, prease. Seriously so pissed about this.

-instead of hurting said scumbag, I screwed myself over by throwing my phone on the ground and snapping it in two.

-who shows up at 4 am? My favorite CS.

SATURDAY

-cleaned the blood off my roommate's sink

-attempted to get myself another phone, semi-failed. My friend just gave me one and now all I need to do is get to Verizon and...do business.

-hung out with C all day, and barraged her with ANGER (the likes of which have been unseen since senior year). yes. ANGER!!!!!!

-thought that someone stole my favorite hot shoes and got really pissed

-went to Zeta formals! And afterparty. Met someone named Chuck and insisted upon calling him Chuck Norris. Ate shit as I ran to the bathroom in high heels. Ate shit reallllllllll bad.

-got home at 4am and KO'ed

SUNDAY

-somehow woke up at 8:00 with my ghetto alarm clock. Parents day at the GPhi house.

-found out my friend has my shoes

-got a phone from my friend

-now must study until forever

-all I really want to do is sleep

-or punch scumbag in the face (yes still)

sigh. the business. I'm tired.

happy _______

It seems like everyone is either totally opposed to V-day or totally celebrating. Like people’s status updates are either mopey about being single or lovey dovey, up on their SO’s nuts. Either they have extravagant, adorable plans to parade their cuteness in the candlelight or are staging “singles revolt type things”. (Sorry to pick on you, N.) Personally I really dgaf either way, it is what it is. If you need a day to be all heppy and do cute things for someone you especially like then today is the day for you! And if you need a day to gripe and whine and eat ice cream like the apocalypse is coming and calories come with no consequences then, again, go for it! Today is your day, too! Just when those without valentines are assumed to be glum on the 14th of February…it’s kind of a whuddafuck. Is society really telling us that we can only be happy if we have someone “special” in our lives? Should we REALLY be made to feel bad about being single? Stop looking for valentines, y’all. Be your own valentine.

Today my valentine is NorCal. Roses are red, violets are blue, yadayadayada, NorCal I love you. Yesterday I hung out at Donut Wheel with some homies and just sat and chatted. Something so chill and comfortable about being home, there’s no assumptions or presumptions and you just are who you are and nobody really gives a second shit. I love being home also because my parents take me out to eat the really delicious foods. Also because the stars are always nicer from here. And the guy who sells us donuts hates us as much as ever, too. It’s nice to be back.

I just don’t really care that much about today, it’s nothing really special to me. It didn’t even occur to me that today was the day to celebrate love and pink things between “intimate companions.” Congratulations if you are half of a duo! Congratulations if you are not! V-day should just be a day to eat chocolate and say haaaay to the people you like best. Though I’ve only done the former so far.

Anywho, I WOULD like to say happy lunar new year! Gong hay fat choy, send red packets my way! Hahaha I kid, I never really got much moneys from this holiday and I’ve never been one to complain. Tis the year of the tiger, which means my cousin is 12 years old. HOOOLY, time does fly. And tigers are charismatic and courageous and brave and such, so here’s to a year of tigerlicious times.

goodbye optimism

OH MY GOD, I just had the most stressful two hours of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me but I really, really can NOT approach strangers. It puts me so outside of my comfort zone and makes me perspire unattractively and get all tense and nervous and seriously today, I felt like I was gonna hurl not once but TWICE! Once in French for unknown reasons and once after overthinking and feeling weird and judged and creepy and blEHHEhhh.

So my Lit Jrn teacher assigned us a "stranger interview" in which we have to find a random stranger and ask them about their life, get a couple of key points and moments that stand out to them.

I sat in Panera with my friend for 1.5 hours eying potential interviewees and chewing on my straw. No success there, I just got even more tangled up in this frustration and lack of self-confidence type deal that is attacking me like the FLU right now. Seriously, I need a prescription for this disease because I (think I am) better than this. Usually. Sometimes. Under the right circumstances.

Right now is just SO NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm okay talking to random people about things like shampoo and cookies, cause that's like common ground. But right off the bat asking an utter stranger for an interview? Not my cup of tea. And add in that I have to DIG and ask them about personal details of their life and ask for contact info and stuff like that for absolutely NO REASON AT ALL...it is just overwhelming and pointless and I am really just not good at this. I don't even see the point! Really.

Then we went to Target and I tried to interview this one guy and he totally shot me down. I take all rejections somewhat personally, that is just how I am, so yes, right now my tiny ego could probably balance on the head of a pin.

Top it all off with the fact that some douche biker hit my friend's car while we were in it and then proceeded to flip us off twice. TWICE. WHYYY. WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU? And yes, again, I am taking this a little personally, because it was just so incredibly rude! WHO DOES THAT!?

Okay. Logical side of me (which is still here, somehow, though quite diminished) tells me that this is all bogus and I am just being crazy. Snap out of it, get a tougher skin if you're ever going to succeed in the sharktank of life. Especially if you're gonna be a journalist.

DO I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS ANYWAY?! OH LAWD.

Um, good news good news......just so this blog isn't a veritable breeding ground for bad moods and grouchy thoughts...

-my check that UCI lost should be coming for me within the next two days

-I bought new eyeliner...if this bad mood continues I am going to be very veryyy poor...

THAT'S IT. How am I supposed to finish this assignment? Should I just binge-eat myself into a lull and then just choke on a pecan or something and then die fat and lonely and without having even completed ONE homework assignment successfully? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm making really good salad for dinner. REALLY, REALLY GOOD SALAD.

slow moments

Lately I've taken a liking to the slow moments in life. Weekends are times I especially look forward to, not because of the wild crazy college parties...but because of stupid stuff, like being able to sit in front of my laptop for hours on end without having to worry about wasting time or where I need to be or what I need to get done.

I contradict myself, though, because this morning I woke up at 8:45, then 10:00, then finally 11:30...all three times in a relatively minor panic. First thought was what time is it!? Am I late?! It took me a while to realize there was nothing going on that I would be late for, since it was in fact Saturday morning. But I woke ill at ease and the first thing I did this morning when I got out of bed was make a list of all the things I want to accomplish this weekend.

However this list has not really come close to getting completed. Saturday afternoon unraveled nice and slowly for me, with a lot of time just on the internet doing time-wasting things. Then I made myself a delicious and giant breakfast burrito and watched the Sex and the City movie, which confirms to me my desire to get the hell out of the OC and start experiencing real life.

Maybe I'm starting to feel claustrophobic here. Claustrophobic, misguided, and...taken at face value. I just need to learn how to release my inhibitions.

Anyway, I won't go into detail. But slow moments have become the only things I look forward to on a day to day basis now:
-laying in the park, eating extra buttery popcorn and reading my anthro book, as it got chillier and chillier and people walked around immersed in their busy lives
-coming home and improvising a meal, as I browse through oldies and country and jazz on the radio. And then devouring my meal while reading a book.
-and just the quiet moments before I get to sleep where I just think or write or read.

In the long run I'm looking forward to
-receiving my $100 order from Forever 21. Yes, I broke, late one lonely night, and decided that new clothes would make me happier. I am actually very very excited for this.
-POST COLLEGE LIFE.
-Thanksgiving break, and my NorCal sigh of relief. Fresh breath of air, here I come.

My roommate told me about a park not a mile away, and she mentioned that they have swings there. SWINGS! My one love. I'm desperate to go, but there isn't really anyone that I want to accompany me. Should I brave the potential Irvine rapists and go it alone? Or should I compromise my comfort being by myself for guaranteeing some safety?

I listen to a lot more mellow music lately...and I just want to eat dark chocolate and live in my bed, read Elle magazine and hope that the world just dies chaotically by itself, not bothering me in my humble retreat within my comforter. I'll watch from my pillow, and maybe emerge when the sun comes out.

But that's the other weird thing. Usually I hate rain and cold weather in general. Right now, I'm dying for a sharp wind in my face and I'm asking the skies when they'll water the earth again. I can't wait until I come home. And I really just want to get out of the OC.

Empire State of Mind -- Jay Z

I just need to push myself more and fulfill my own expectations. I just feel like I'm letting things slip through the cracks.

no thing, nothing

So guys. Monday is apparently wake-up call day, Chery doesn't have a thing day.

That's right. A thing. Especially now, it's noticeable. People have THINGS...C has her dance/photo/fashion thing, A has the architecture and the dance thing, N has his political thing, T has his biology business, M has the music thing...need I continue? Oh it's not only home people who have things (I hope you don't feel like I'm pointing fingers), UCI people have more things. Seriously everyone and their mother AND their dog is pledging for a sorority/fraternity (not that I'm jealous) but that counts as a thing!!! M has her SPOP/being friends with everybody thing, J has like a thousand different things, all of which are resume boosting AND enjoyable for her, S has freakin TRIATHLON CLUB...where does this leave me?? THING LESS!!! I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE GYMMMMM.

At least I have TRIED things...right? Sorority thing? Tried it for a week, wasn't for me. Lots of frustration and confusion on my part there but a good and worthwhile experience when it all comes down to it. And it's taught me to grow up as a person too.

So what makes me notice, even more tonight than ever before, that I don't have a thing?? Well, I ran into a summer friend on the bus today, and he managed to convince me to go to a dance workshop. So I went. I was pretty psyched, I was like, YES, I did one boogiezone class over the summer, a couple hiphop classes last year, flight school in Meher's garage, TOTALLY legit. It was like, time to get back on the dance crack!! YES. I thought I could easily make dance my thing. I mean, everyone here dances. Not that hard, right?

Fast forward about one hour, Chery = chopped and screwed. Not in the good way. Yeah okay so maybe I shouldn't have gone back to the dance crack by diving head first into a workshop for PROS. It's like after you have a hangover you go out again and then start the night by taking 10 shots in a row, BAM, no bueno. Okay that didn't really make sense BUT I think you get my jist.

Yeah so it was a pretty demeaning hour. I felt about one inch tall. And lemme tell ya, there were like PEOPLE I KNOW there, and I talked to them, so they KNOW I went. This was none of the James Bond under-the-radar secretly training to be Ciara type shit, this was like OH HEY YOU'RE HERE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DANCED, COOL. Yeah I don't dance guys. And they didn't believe me either, so when I failed it was like, "wow she wasn't being modest, she does suck." And since they all know I was there, cause I talked to them (mistake) they also all know that I left about 2 hours early...

But HONESTLY swear to GOD, I thought the girl said "bathroom run!" In actuality she said "back to front" which is why everyone started shuffling around and rearranging. You can see how that would be confusing right? But yeah I saw it as an opportunity to roll out, cause come on, that was not really where I was meant to be at that moment in time. Plus my friend was like hardcore hating her life right then and I felt supersuper bad for dragging her with me on my druggie quest for dance crack...so yeah we peaced out. Not a shining moment for me because leaving involved walking past the front of the basketball courts...where everyone was facing, trying to learn this super legit piece...yeaaaah.

High five self, at least I tried, RIGHT?

So, dance. NOT MY THING.

I went home and cooked myself six potstickers, extra browned and crispy and delicious, to make myself feel better. All the while I vented to my roomie about how I don't have a thing. So then I segmented off my life into past things and future things and present things.

THINGS I ONCE HAD
-the ice skating thing. Can't really go back to it now, it's just a side thing. Not even really a thing. Even when I actually had it I didn't appreciate it at it's full value, and then I quit, so anyway it's NOT my thing.
-piano thing, again, QUIT. Such a quitter, fml.
-I guess I had the yearbook thing in high school. Again, does not translate into college life.
-Girl Scout. Um...didn't officially quit, just kind of gradually drained it out of my life. Not a thing.

Which leaves me with no things.

THINGS I TRIED TO HAVE
-New U: well, basically, I failed at writing an article for the first week because I'm too busy...killing flies or something. This week there are more pieces that I can write and I am going to strap myself to my chair with the new belt I bought until something worth reading comes out of my fingertips or I sit there long enough until I starve and lose a thousand pounds and slip out from under the belt, whichever comes first.
-Dance: HAAA, see above. I still want this to be a thing in my life but I need baby steps guys! And everyone here is freaking good already so my baby steps are like...lost among their running man steps. HA, reference to a dance "picture" that I semi-learned today, omg, I am being such a poser trying to sound like a pro right now. Moving right along.
-Sorority thing: Can I get a nice, rousing "NAY"? Nay.

Still have nothing.

So what do I do with my life then? REALLY, REALLY? 24 hours a day, and usually I am awake for about at least 14 of them, so what the eff am I doing all day?

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE RECENT PAST:
-overcame my disgust for flies and killed around 4 of them yesterday in a panic-induced killing frenzy spurred by my roommate and friend. Then proceeded to vacuum up the guts and corpses, and then rewarded myself with a pizookie.
-I bought really cute shoes today. I'm wearing them right now, and they are possibly the only things making me happy at this moment in time.
-I had a really delicious breakfast burrito, and now my grocery list includes breakfast burrito ingredients. I also have a new list of movies to see, including one called "Nobody" which is pretty much how I feel right now. Go watch the trailer and then take me to the movie, THANKS.
-I think I got a 3/3 on my quiz today for Earth System Science.....YAAAAAY.

And not much else... I guess...

Okay it has also been brought to my attention that I keep telling people that I'm a journalism major, but I haven't even declared yet, so BASICALLY I've been lying to everyone I've met since Week 0...SORRY GUYS.

Jacki and I tried to figure out what my thing is as she cooked me dessert. When I say dessert, I mean deep fried nutella wrapped in wonton skins and then sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Jacki: I'm not sure if they'll be good...let's just try it and then pretend this never happened if they suck.
Chery: Jacki. They have chocolate, sugar, and are deep fried. They HAVE to be good. Rule of nature.
And then after that we kind of died and stopped talking cause we were busy stuffing our faces.

Anyway, trying to figure out my thing...
Jacki: You like reading!! That's a thing!!
Chery: JACKI. ANYONE CAN READ. THAT'S NOT MY THING.

But yeah, things that I AM good at include...
-reading. WOOOO
-eating, especially fried things or sweet things, or salty things. Or all of the above.
-spending unnecessary money on unnecessary items, like good clothes or good food.
-venting
-making fun of people, probably. Verbally or mentally...sneakily or otherwise.
-procrastinating (like what I'm doing now)
-making lists.
-...texting

and surprise, surprise, these are ALL THINGS that basically ANY human being on this whole Earth can do. So basically I'm a non-unique waste of oxygen. Haaa...

I think my problem is I just can't commit to things. Maybe I should just pick a thing, and stop flirting with too many things, and then openly ask the thing to be in a relationship with me, and then change my status on facebook, and then spend all my time with this thing such that people will say, "Oh, Chery? Yeah, she's that girl! She has that _____ thing."

I mean, as of right now, I don't even know how people classify me. Not that I want to be classified, but I especially don't want to be known as thing-less girl, or be defined by who I hang out with. "Oh, Chery? Yeah she's always with that SPOP/dance/Frat/Sorority girl/boy."

But no. I fail at committing to things in general. I will have lunch with you later this week but I will probably forget who you are by the end of the month. So how am I supposed to pick a thing and love that thing for ever and ever??? I freaking get tired of my outfit by the end of the day, dammit.

I don't even want any sympathy right now, don't tell me I'm not a failure. JUST TELL ME I'M A FAILURE, maybe then I'll get a move on and DO something about it for once, instead of vent to my three online readers. And DON'T EVEN say the "writing thing" because one, I have been lying to people about that being my major, two, the only writing I do right now is blogging which hardly counts and making lists of things to do which counts even less, and then copying lecture notes which counts the least because I'm hardly even thinking as I sit there vacuously copying slide after slide, and three I haven't even written an article for the New U yet, and let me be frank, it's not like it's a huge struggle to do. I just...haven't. If writing was my thing I'd have churned out like a thousand articles by now and been crowned unofficial staff writer of the month.

SIGH. It's fine. This is an optimistic kind of depression... and thus begins the search for my thing. At least I don't have swine flu, having swine flu as your thing is worse than having no thing at all. Praise the skies.

cut the crap

What are you doing in college? What are you looking for? An actual education? Fun? Lasting friendships? A relationship? Experiences that will help you get a job? Life lessons? The chance to experiment?

Honestly, why are we where we are right now? Past the reasoning that my father paid for this academic pathway and that's how I'm in this dorm, what am I REALLY doing here?

Success, I just overused my question mark key. But seriously. Answers appreciated.

"You rock, don't change."

Okay, I admit that I am probably more hormonal/stressed/exhausted/emotional than I ever thought a human being could possibly be, but I am at a strange place dealing with strange circumstances and feeling strange emotions. I'm not going to go into detail because I really think overall this is going to blow over and I will laugh at this and learn from this and ultimately forget about this, so I won't immortalize it in words on the web.

Anyway, I was having a pretty grumpy day. I went to bed angry and frustrated, woke up angry and frustrated, got more angry and frustrated as I tragically failed my midterm, and pretty much decided that something must be done about the piles of bullshit that I was wading into. So I read a magazine, wore my pajamas all day, watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, listened to emo music, talked to people I actually like, took some tips from Nina Garcia, and reminisced on good ole high school days by reading all my yearbook entries.

Reading all the nice things my homies wrote for me ages ago is so touching! I miss the good times and the chemistry and trust between us all, and I miss people a lot. People who I didn't really think I would miss that much, I do. It'll never be the same way again, I realize, but I think I've made my peace with that. You can't really keep going forward if you're concentrating on the past, cause then you'll just miss out.

Somewhere between Breakfast at Tiffany's and Nina Garcia's Little Black Book I hit upon a goldmine. I keep being disloyal to myself and what I really want, and it frustrates me. Like I think what happened is I pretty much drowned in the day to day drama and I let it get to me too much, such that I forgot about who I am and what really matters to me. I'd like to say that I'm past it all, but truth be told, I'm not. It takes a while for me to get un-grumpy about situations and I know I can't force it anymore. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I need to forget about it!

A lot of people wrote in my yearbook, "Don't change." Things like that. That's hard; people are always changing. Everything changes! It's all transient.

talk

There's too much talk sometimes. Things get tangled up in everyone's different accounts of what happened, different opinions of what went wrong, different perceptions of people and how they act. There's too much talk about people's motives and people's loyalties and how to fix misunderstandings. There is miscommunication and there is lack of communication and even if you do happen to get the right amount of talk in, sometimes it's still wrong. Who's to say if trust in the talk is the best idea? There are just too many things unsaid and then there are things that are said too much. When does it ever strike the right balance? And when and who do you trust, whose talk do you believe?

I wonder if it would be better if we were all mute.

Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you

edit;
Sometimes things aren't said when you know they should be, and sometimes you leave it alone. Sometimes you say things you don't really mean, sometimes you say too much of what you mean, sometimes you over-think, sometimes you don't think enough. Sometimes you speak without thinking and think without speaking.


Humans in general and me in particular need to know when to talk and when to shut up and cut the bullshit.