merry christmas

Merry Christmas friends! (:

Someone asked me today: what did you want for Christmas?

I couldn't really think of anything off the top of my head; most of the things that I want cost a lot of money and are things that I want to work towards and save for myself (slr, France $$, snowboard). Other things that I want are things that have to be earned as well, things like the capacity for caring more about things, the ability to be happy with what I have, the ability to appreciate and share that appreciation.

So I told him that. His response? Wow, you've changed.

On the contrary I think I've always wanted those things, maybe I just never voiced them clearly enough. I guess getting absorbed into materialism and the consumer culture is easier than remembering what really matters in life...but then what REALLY matters anyway?

I think what matters now is improving relationships with people and remembering that people are around to make you laugh and to pull you out of ruts. What matters is...that in the future I keep remembering to be a good person, to remember what values I cherish most, to remember who I am past all these surface-type labels.

This is turning into a new-years-resolution type post and TRUST ME I'm already prepared for that one, so I'll stop now. I don't even know why I'm blogging. It's Christmas, I just decorated 25 cupcakes, overloaded on sugar, I have a kitchen to clean, I'm sleepy...Off to snoozeland I go. Must wake up early for matinee showing of Sherlock Holmes, love being Asian.

P.S. Christmas isn't about WANTING. Every day that we live is about wanting.

making wishes

Birthday candles, shooting stars, 11:11

So many people take these as opportunities to make wishes. As often as they come, I’ll grasp the moment and think of what I want most, and then close my eyes and hope.

“Why bother?” some say, “wishes don’t come true, anyway.”

Not to be a cynic, but I can’t help but agree.

Too often, wishes don’t come true, won’t come true. Should I stop asking for giant magnificent things, things that can’t happen in the blink of an eye?

If wishes came true…I would be living a contradiction. I may be somewhere else, maybe NYC. I would have much more money at my disposal, I would have my closest friends with me. I would have everyone, or I would have no one. I would start over with a blank slate, I would rewind, I would fast forward. I would have talent, stronger will, a better work ethic. I would have that missing something. I would have a secure promise of a successful future, and I would have this recognition of my potential and the knowledge that it will get me somewhere soon. I’ll have my name in the byline, my influence far-reaching. I would have balance and lose the in-betweens. And I wouldn’t get so caught in (what I know are just) momentary lapses, I wouldn’t get stuck in people-ruts.

But as life goes, and as wishes go,

none of these wishes I once made really came true.

I still make wishes every chance I get.

I consider it a moment to step back and pause the world, re-align yourself with yourself and forget about any outside influences puncturing your sphere. Brainstorm — think about what I do have, what I could have, and what I don’t want to have. And the wish I make is usually just for things like courage or focus or discipline, to reach my goals.

My wish is a recognition of what I desire, but that itself is not the wish. The wish is the means of getting there.

So every chance I get I make a wish,

not because I believe some divine entity will grant it to me,

but because it reminds me of what my goals are

and how I can do everything I can to make them come true for myself.

more looking back

2007 was a great year.

I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?

edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.

A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.

Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:

swing swing

Something about swinging is so calming for me. Maybe it's the combination of good company and good conversation, set under a real blue summer night's sky pierced with stars and a glowing moon. I love the park after dark, it's a little more haunting and less innocent than by the light of day.

Today was a typical summer day followed by a typical summer night. I spent the day sitting around, trying to be productive but half-assing it. And then I started feeling bad for never getting things done while people around me are chasing their dreams. So I resolved to have no more of these type of days. They occur too often, and more and more, they expose the fact that it is only me standing in my own way. Why am I stopping myself?

Baby steps, I guess. I did accomplish a little bit today. Very slowly started on the route to (FINALLY!!!) getting my license, with a little help from T. I also researched the study abroad program that I hope to be participating in next summer. Six to seven weeks in France sounds like a dream come true. I'm looking forward to making this trip happen. I really can't wait to get back to Irvine and start setting the wheels in motion.

I think the trouble I have is thinking for the present. I'm so obsessed with the future and the goals, but I don't really think about the steps leading up to it. Simultaneously I analyze the past and reflect upon what HAS happened instead of what IS happening. How do I take these thoughts on the past/future and translate them into my present? If I find this out, I think I'll be a lot happier with who I am.

Jason Mraz's blog led me to a name-analyzing website today. For the most part it was pretty accurate, especially the part about being independent and striving to have experiences. And the interest waning quickly...and even the frustration/rebelliousness was pretty on point. And here's the punch: "Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation."

A restless intensity? I guess I can relate. So will relaxation be denied to me for the rest of my lifetime? Something to think about. Interesting site.

homes

Being back home is different. In all honesty, I'm confused at which "home" is my main home now. Irvine pulls me back the way Cupertino pulled me back when I was in Irvine...it's kind of painful to constantly be in this limbo. I find myself wondering what I'd be doing if I was in Irvine. But here, let's not ponder the might-have-beens, rather, let's focus on recent ponderings of being back home...

First off, I'm going to whine a little bit. Grievances about home include:
-weak showerhead
-lack of my regular beauty products (SIGH Aussie shampoo, I MISS YOU DEARLY)
-curfew....sucks major ass.
-I feel extra poor here, even though in Irvine I was making very little bank.

Anyway...being home is extra nice right now. It's like a fresh breath of air, time to gather yourself and re-focus. It's nice having something to look forward to and consistently work at, too (HOLLA DANCE BISCUITS) hahah.

Also, I think everyone is taking notice of each other more. Some things feel a lot closer. I find myself being much more open with people too, maybe the physical distance made me realize how important they actually are in my life. I'm kind of rambling, it's late...

Living life in chunks is easier to do.

cut the crap

What are you doing in college? What are you looking for? An actual education? Fun? Lasting friendships? A relationship? Experiences that will help you get a job? Life lessons? The chance to experiment?

Honestly, why are we where we are right now? Past the reasoning that my father paid for this academic pathway and that's how I'm in this dorm, what am I REALLY doing here?

Success, I just overused my question mark key. But seriously. Answers appreciated.

there is

so much that I could say right now, about this weekend of fails, about this learning experience that was thrust upon me, about this desire I have to write about some things that elude my understanding. But I have to save these words for another time, because I'm swamped and sleepy and to be honest, quite intimidated by the sheer amount of things that are on my mind. Once I start, I will never stop, so I will save it for a journal entry accompanied by hand cramps.

---

The Fray and Melee have been bouncing around in my mind all day. And all day I have avoided doing homework as per usual. I didn't even do my laundry or vacuum, I'm disgusting I know! Honestly if you asked me what I did today I would be at a loss for words. But I did have some very good fries at In-N-Out so it is not really a day wasted, right?

I cannot believe that it is week 9 already! I have to pick my classes this week (humcore, management, french? logic&linguistics? chemistry of cooking?) and possibly arrange a date for my community service...hah. I'm also planning on watching the free showing of Milk, and volunteering for Jumpstart tomorrow with a hallmate. Add in some hardcore catching up in classes and excercise and you have my week. I need some strength...

This quote stood out to me today:
"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."
It's hard for me to accept weakness, though; in both myself and others.

back to bouncy

Somehow I kind of fell into a downer mood the past couple of days. But there are a number of things that totally cheered me up and here they are:

-Lady GaGa & happy music in general. I mentioned to Crystal that she should not listen to sad music and then realized that I was a filthy hypocrite, so I rid myself of my glum Mraz and instead turned to find the Remedy in happier songs (haha, such Wordplay here (omg I did it again)). Also, dancing in my room alone when nobody is looking is pretty much therapeutic.

-Going to the gym. I've been going regularly! Endorphins are my drug. Hahaha...no.

-The little study room in my dorm where little studying occurs. My friends and I record videos for each other in there, and there are a number of epic productions scattered among our friends' walls. For instance, there is one bootay-poppin video somewhere on facebook, and another video of "Jizz in my Pants" (pretty beast) somewhere else. And the study room was the scene of my friend's pencil twirling gone awry -- the pencil spun out of control and jabbed him in the eye. HAHAHA! Of course he was not hurt, otherwise I would not be laughing. Except I probably would be anyway.

-Long talks! I started getting to know this guy better and I stayed up until around 5 two nights in a row cause we just kept talking! These are the kinds of conversations I love, even though they leave me feeling drained and falling asleep in Psychology. And there is absolutely nothing romantical about these conversations, which makes me all the happier. Friendship is fun and so are fluvial conversations!

**Side note: FLUVIAL is the greatest word. Instead of saying "we clicked!" when referring to someone you get along with really well, my friends and I now say fluvial. Of or pertaining to a river. AKA FLOW! Fluvial. Woot.

-I dropped my Management class with my fobby bee-ness professor. And now I am enrolled in maybe the Best Class of All Time. Beatles & the 60's!!! I am totally pumped for this class and I don't even care that people gripe about how much memorization it is. My first lecture was today and it was pretty damn interesting, although I did fall asleep for a moment. Not to happen again! I can't wait to learrrrn.

-WEATHER!<3 Irvine has been a delicious 80+ degrees the whole week. I'm hoping for a nice summery glow in the midst of winter.

Okay my eyelids are drooping like a dozy dog's. Haha oh alliteration! Till next time.

i should be sleeping

but I wanted to say a couple things.

1. I miss having people around me that I can really really count on. And I miss going to Donut Wheel late at night and talking about everything instead of actually doing homework.

2. Basically I miss having the really good conversations with friends.

3. I miss being around people who know how flawed I am and hang out with me anyway.

4. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now than at home, in my own bed, dreaming the night away with the knowledge that the people I love best are just a short drive away.

5. There are maybe thousands of things that I miss right now, and the list would probably bore you to death and make me tear up in some sort of over-emotional state. But yeah, keep it together, right?

6. I miss being the me that I was used to.

7. All this missing...and a small part of me beats myself up for not being able to fully enjoy my college experience or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.

Ok, everyone misses home and I bet all this is old news for you guys. I just needed to vent right now. Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow so you guys can all ignore the maybe hormonal blog posts of a jaded teenager at three in the morning. WOW, that is a winning combination.

Bye from a rather glum anteater in Irvine.