New Years Resolutions

I'M REVIVING THIS!!

(Obligatory)

Although I do agree that New Years Resolutions are generally abruptly forgotten..and those who make them are discouraged from doing so oftentimes, I still insist on upholding this tradition. I’ve done this forever. And I’m constantly making new goals anyway, so this list is just one of many, many, many lists of resolutions.
I’m aiming for practicality and definite, positive change this year.

1. Carry cash.
It’s obnoxious to split checks between a million different cards. It’s obnoxious to have to go to ATMs and break 20’s when paying people back. It’s obnoxious to go to cash-only places and T___T @ yourself/the establishment. It’s obnoxious to swipe your card everywhere you go, check your bank statement the next day, and then cry yourself to sleep. Carrying cash is a quick, easy solution to most of these problems. (Goes hand in hand with the “save money” resolution, which isn’t necessarily on here specifically, but is a constant thought on my mind anyways).

2. Wake up to one alarm.
Have to admit this is going well so far, because I have a 100% success rate so far (shh I know it’s only been 2 days). Plus I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm today, so if anything, that’s like a 150% success rate or something. I don’t know, I don’t do numbers. Anyway, this resolution stems from how irritating it must be for my poor roommate to listen to my (3) alarm(s) go off a million times in the morning, starting from 1 hour prior to when I should actually be out of bed, and recurring in 5-10 minute increments due to that damned snooze button. Damn you, snooze; and sorry, roommate, I promise to change.

3. Eliminate verbal static.
In everyday speech as well as online. Verbal static consists of “um”s, “uh”s, “like”s, “omg”s, etc, which is especially distracting in public speaking situations. Like tours. And meetings. And in class. And always, basically. And online, eliminate excess “LOLOLOLOL”s or “HAHAHAHHAHA”s. This goes hand in hand with my NYR last year, which was to stop saying “lol” if I wasn’t really lol-ing, cause that’s just dishonest, right? Obviously that failed, and I think in 2010 I went from “lol” to “lolololol” which is just going in the opposite direction, really.

4. Elongate my attention span, especially during conversations.

As of right now I seriously think I have ADD, and it’s really detrimental to my friendships when we are having long conversations and I suddenly realize that I have zoned out in the middle of their talking. This happens especially often when I am on the phone. Usually a good indicator of when I’ve stopped paying attention is when a lot of “oh yeahhhh”s come in. “Wait what?”s are popular, too. And honestly, “oh yeahhh” and “wait what?” are synonymous, the only thing that differs is whether or not I’ve realized what you’re saying is important yet. I sound like a terrible person. Seriously. I realize it’s a problem. That’s the first step. And I’m taking the initiative to change this. Hence the resolution.

5. Spend less time with technology.
But let’s be real. I’ll start slow and say log off facebook every once in a while, and stop doing that thing where I refresh my newsfeed to see if anything interesting is happening. Nothing that interesting is happening. Even less interesting is happening in my life if I continue to hit refresh.

—-

Other (life) resolutions that I (and the rest of the world) make every year:
-improve health (fancy way of saying go to the gym, eating healthier, cooking more and eating out less. Farmers market anyone??)
-do better in school (includes: going to class even if it’s raining, establishing relationships with professors outside of class, speak up in class, actually read the books I pay mad bank for)
-meditate (harness the power of my mind and shit, so my default setting will not be anxious rabbit with a million things to remind myself to do. I see meditation as a chill-the-fuck-out pill for your head, which I need)
-seek out unique experiences & people
-you know, be a better person and all that. Develop better relationships with friends so I can get to that level of sitting around doing nothing and being completely comfortable with more people. Hold myself to a higher standard and do not settle for less.

2010 was so good for me. 2011, challenge accepted.

dear self,

You miss ice skating. YOU DO. Stop ignoring that fact, start making more effort to get it back into your life.

Today I watched the Stars on Ice special on NBC and I sat there and was jealous of them for being able to do that all their life. I watched and something in me woke up and said HEY, THAT COULD BE YOU. Okay, on a smaller scale, but dammit, I want it back.

So 2010,

I will be on the ice during spring break and in the summer. I will try to get a job as a skating teacher, and I will try to perform at some cheesy little exhibition or SOMETHING. I WILL.

Dear self, you also really need your drivers license.

The fact that you can never spell 'license' correctly without spell-check does NOT take from the fact that YOU NEED ONE. DESPERATELY. You complain of dependency and feeling trapped and YET, not once over break did you practice driving with your father and further yourself onto this path that you have elongated unnecessarily.

In 2010, I WILL GET MY LICENSE and dammit I spelled it wrong again. Thank you gods of google chrome.

Dear self, you should also probably get healthier. Eating & portioning right is more fun than cramming your face with pounds upon pounds of preservatives and chemicalized food. ALSO, SALT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! It is not its own food group, stop treating it like it is.

Dear self, you used to be flexible once. Now when your ham strings hurt when you stretch it DOES mean that you are old and decrepit. Stretching is good for blood flow and fitness and all that other mumbo jumbo, take some time out of your (NON) busy life to STRETCH, maybe it will make you happier and more sprightly.

Good job for buying floss and milk today at the store. Pat on the back.

Dear self, making decisions is good. Remembering that you have goals for the future is also good. And remembering that you DO want to live past twenty five and DO NOT want to die of liver failure would probably be beneficial when you have to make some decisions. Sleeping at normal hours is also good.

Dear self, packing your clothes at 3:00 AM should not make you want to cry. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF. STOP BUYING THINGS. You could clothe a small country. Remember, you are just ONE GIRL. Not a small country.

Instead of buying more clothes, remember that you DO want to buy a DSLR and that you DO want to go to Australia, and that you should probably start saving for retirement and fancy things like that.

---

That was semi-weird. Anyway. I am back in Irvine, and un-packing all my STUFF made me want to cry (again), my laptop experiencing difficulty made me want to cry (again), and sitting here thinking of the next ten weeks makes me...want to sleep forever. Or run home. And you know how much I hate running so take this to heart.

Irvine. Oh, Irvine. I return to you with such bitterness in my heart. Feelings of frustration and anxiety and depression clog the pipes of my mind like the drain of a bathtub of a very hairy man.

I just can't explain, but I do feel so very trapped here. It is all so planned out and perfect. I really can't explain. But the good thing is, I have GOALS for this quarter.

Goals are like shiny things in your pocket that you keep around so that, when you start considering your pillow and that box of chocolates your best friend, and yes this will be happening in the near future, you can drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning and do the whole damn thing again BECAUSE you want to

-write for the New U and perhaps reach out to the souls of the soulless. Discover if there are real people out there. Good luck, here is a flashlight.

-DECLARE your major and minor, so when people ask what major you are, you don't have to lie and tell long stories about feeling lost and directionless and trying to find your identity and bogus bat-shit stuff like that, nobody really cares. Let's keep it simple. Declare a major and minor and there you have it, simple, one-word answers.

-get your plan together to go to freaking Australia, so you can hug kangaroos and koalas (that are supposedly mean, but what gives, you'll find out for yourself) and scuba dive (even though you suck at it) and stay there long enough that you start sounding like those seagulls from Finding Nemo. Also hopefully pick up some culture and discard your ignorance and stop saying "crikey she's a beaut" when talking about Australia.

-SAVE MONEY, because you have TOO MUCH STUFF. George Clooney in Up In The Air and his backpack theory would not approve. (PS this is a very good movie, up for 6 Academy Awards, go watch plz.)

Also, other things to keep you happy when life is not the cat's meow or something:

-THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Hopefully George will be spectating and you will get to spectate George spectating. Do remember to still attend classes.

-Academy Awards & watching all the nominated movies. Culture yourself, do it. Culture yourself online for free, even better. Then make predictions and yell at the TV and all that good stuff. Awards shows = your equivalent to these basketball games people keep talking about.

-TV shows that have come highly recommended: 30 Rock, Glee, Entourage, Weeds. Do it. Be a hermit. Watch every single episode without leaving the comfort of your room.

-On the other hand SUNSHINE is a useful happiness-tool. Vitamin D yourself, but also SPF yourself.

-Reading for fun, people used to do it back in the day, some people have forgotten how, you fortunately live in the past and DO remember these things that they call "books", and well HEY you own a few! Let's crack em open!

Thinking positive is good. If that doesn't work, being cynical and making fun of anything that you can make fun of will probably be good. Making fun of people who don't know that they are being made fun of to their face is fun but not so good for your karma. Making fun of people who can hear you making fun of them is the worst. Karma is not your friend, being 10+ feet away from people and then opening your loud mouth is your friend.

Challenging yourself is good, because trying new things is good. Trying and failing is also good, because then you learn more about yourself and ALSO get to console yourself by eating lots of failure-food. And crying, you haven't done that in a while, I hear that's good for you too.

I am so weird right now. Whatever. Stay weird everyone, it makes life better. HAY 2010, I hope you are ready to be...had...yes.

P.S. You spend entirely too much time on facebook. Your internet "friends" are NOT THAT INTERESTING!!

the great thing about pants

Or shoes, for that matter.

They come with a receipt. And a return policy. And a visible price tag! In life, none of this is offered. More on this later.

Conversation with my sister (who is startlingly similar to me in our approaches to zee "love life" or lack thereof…)

amy: cant
amy: stoppp
amy: thinking
amy: abt
amy: pants
me: lmao
me: i thought you were gonna say [boy]
me: i'm so glad you didnt
amy: i think im in .... love?
me: LOL
me: then go get the pants
me: if its true love
me: they'll wait for you
amy: noo
amy: but i want them.. NOW
amy: ohh mommmaa needs her sugarrrrr

Sometimes it freaks me out how similar we are. Oh but if only all life were like this! THINK ABOUT IT…

You walk into the store (aka life) not really wanting anything, just set on the idea that if anything surprises you and tickles your fancy enough you will consider it for a while and then purchase it, if you think it's worth it. Simple as that.

And it's so easy to find something that you fall in love with in a store, because they're so upfront and honest with you! You know how much they will cost you. You can try them on for as long as you want to see if they're a good fit. And you know that when it all comes down to it, you can just return them if the relationship is not working out!

Moral of the story: boys need price tags. And return policies.

Part deux: similarities between search for boys and search for shoes.

1. Appearance

No crocs. Must be nice looking, and us girls love to outdo each other with our cute accessories. Appearance of shoes (or boys I guess) tells you a lot about the person wearing them. This of course is the first factor that draws you in, the others come later as you try the shoes on. Or the boy.

2. Comfort
Pretty self-explanatory. Shoes or boy must not give you blisters from rubbing you the wrong way, be it physical blisters or emotional ones. Must be able to hang out with said shoes/boy for long periods of time without wanting to cry and/or escape.

3. Price range

Q: Is it worth it?
Q: If I don't buy them now, will I still be thinking of them? Will I regret it?
Q: Will the payback come? AKA will I get the maximum amount of bang for my buck? (K that sounds wrong when thinking of males)

4. Uniqueness

Shoes/boy should reflect your essential style. If it fits in with who you are as a unique entity, DO IT.

Shoe shopping is so much easier than life.

Then again, a pair of shoes won't make you laugh. Except for maybe these shoes. HAH..

miscellaneous bullet points

-I always wake up feeling sad nowadays; in those spare moments between sleeping and waking my emotions are suspended in thin air. They tip over to the melancholy arena and I slowly gather consciousness as a strange sadness fills me to the core. It's a feeling I'm getting used to but I'm questioning why in the world it's there...but I ignore it's presence, put it aside, and force myself awake and out of bed and into another meaningless day. But if there's anything I've learned it's that you can't discard a feeling. So what is this really? Loneliness? Lack of meaning in my life? Lack of tangible goals? It could be a million different things.

ANYWAY, I don't mean to start the post on such a blue note...

-Currently pulling together a recap of 2009 post of EPIC PROPORTIONS...coming soon (deep theater man voice)

-SHAWTY WHATCHO NAME IS? I love me my divas; Beyonce and Lady GaGa = a match made in heaven.

-My roommate and I are entering another dangerous dip phase. Last year we bought 3 jars of spinach dip and ate it on everything until the mention of it's name triggered our gag reflexes. Earlier this year our obsession with homemade guacamole amounted to us buying x number of avocados... and now we have moved on to cheese dip. It was bound to come to this. SALSA CON QUESO, anyone??? My love for this dip is long lasting, I think I loved it since summer before senior year (holy CRAP that was a long time ago). And cheese is something I am especially picky about, so lemmetellya. This is good shit.

-Planning on ending my 3-week pescetarianism this Friday at Disneyland with a celebratory TURKEY LEGGGG

-Finals = finding LOTS of ways to entertain myself on the intarwebZ. I've found a trillion sites and blogs that I will probably love long time.

-tumblr.com. SERIOUSLY, DO IT. Seriously. Another shameless plug; http://internalogic.tumblr.com

-X-mas list as of right now: a really long ethernet cord so I can browse the web from the kitchen counter (aka my new favorite hangout) OR wifi, OmmWriter for PCs, and $15,000 for study abroad in the Fall. Bill Gates can you hear me? I have been so good this year...

Or ya know...being home for Christmas is always good.

ebert & roeper style

Two thumbs up to magazine arrivals in the mail. Taylor on the cover of InStyle, Blake on the cover of Nylon, and SJP (iffffy, but okay) on the cover of Elle? I am QUITE satisfied.

One thumb up to mushroom/spinach/cheese quesadillas. My vegetarianism continues successfully......but yes I am feenin for an in-n-out burger or some kbbq. SIGH.

Two thumbs up to the strengthening of the Nexxus of Spite.

Two thumbs up to me dragging my sleepy ass out of bed at 9:15, 45 minutes later than usual, and still managing to make it to class on time, even though I looked like I fell down the rabbit hole. Can this get three thumbs up actually? I'm really proud of myself.

One thumb up to having great conversations/super chill visits with friends I click-click-click with. Insight, injuries, laughter and discussion galore...but only one thumb up because I intended to stay for an hour and ended up staying for three.

Two thumbs up for people I can be weird around. People who enjoy my cross-eyed dinosaur faces and my french-fry lovin habits. My fondness for weirdness GROWS AND GROWS. From anthro: "anthropology teaches us that people do weird things but they don't do them randomly. They have their reasons...their behavior follows a pattern. It has an internal logic." ...two big thumbs up for internal logic. heh.

One thumb up to John Mayer's CD, Battle Studies. And for actually downloading off the music thread in general, YAY.

No thumbs up to my final tomorrow. Actually one thumb up cause I really DGAF about this class (hah, future major maybe) and plus it's just another one to get through.

Two thumbs up to DISNEYLAND THIS FRIDAY!!! PLUS a Disneyland pass?!? PLEASE let this work.....I'm getting my other digits involved into this bullet point and crossing all my fingers.

No thumbs up to everyone and their dog being sick, even my friend's computer got a virus (ha, ha, ha......)

One thumb up to plans for baking cupcakes next Wednesday: planning on trying out recipes for gingerbread cupcakes or peppermint cupcakes or something holiday-like...

One thumb up to crafty creative thoughts about gift-wrapping and gift-purchasing and wishlists. Only one thumb because I have not the bank account to afford to wrap my gifts so lavishly or even purchase the items I wish I could for the dear ones in my life.

No thumbs up to discovering that UCI = high school, sans parents.

One thumb up to endless apricot blossom green tea addiction. This would get two thumbs up except for the fact that it swellllls my bladder and makes me pee in public restrooms, which I HATE.

No thumbs up to my messy messy room, you can hardly see the floor. And my laundry awaits.

No thumbs up to SHITTT it's 2:00 time to actually get work done......bye.

happy halloween mnonkin fabkers

I hate to overuse a cliche but okay, shitshow for sure.

Started off the night at Chipotle! FREE BURRITOS WHAT! The crew I went with ended up going back for seconds...and thirds. NOT FAT, I SWEAR. But yeah I only had 1.3 burritos so whatever y'allll! In retrospect Halloween weekend was like, the worst weekend EVER when caloric intake is concerned.
-five! five dollar footlong! I ate it in...basically one sitting...hahaha.
-burrrrritos YEE
-Del Taco. GOTTA LOVE IT, chicken soft taco, you are my best friend. Fried jalapeno rings, not feelin you as much.
-shots shots shots shot-shot-shots ERRRRBODDDYYY
So fat. SO, so fat. I should really just go back to dating the gym. (Elliptical, I love you, I'm sorry, let's give this a second chance. It could really work this time.)

Then I went to Newport Beach for "Nightmare on 29th"... I don't even know how to start so I will just...list things.

-hoes hoes hoes - the man version, as well as probably some girl versions too LOL. (My annoying side came out as I decided to document lap dances and face-licking of all sorts)
-and drunks. Drunks drunks drunks EVERYWHERE. Horny kind, loud kind, hand-holding kind (LOL), apparently the angry kind...and then just...more drunk people added into the mix. Drunk Tigger with ears askew, drunk Scot in kilt, drunk Donkey Kong, etc etc. Tranny messes, all of you.
-probably dropped my phone a thousand more times, because now it is even MORE crappy and broken-looking, and click-y. THIS IS NOT HOW MY PHONE SHOULD BE, IT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN THREE MONTHS!
-was force fed a shot out of NOWHERE, while I was in the middle of talking. Basically I guess he just poured it into my mouth when I was saying something, I'm guessing something like "WOW" cause you open your mouth big for that one. K I'm gonna stop talking.
-apparently someone punched in the side of a car and then spent the night in the drunk tank.
-also, apparently someone got STABBED on 29th street too...yeah wtfz guys
-basically gave this guy (who flaked on me, which is like #1 offense) shit all night, and punched him with my gold cuff YES. Mission accomplished. But it's okay, because
-he ended up peeing his pants later, HAHAHA!!!!!!! More ON than IN, BUT STILL!!! HAHAHA!!!
-sang along/dance partied to Taylor Swift with the guy who ended up in the drunk tank later
-then found Taylor Swift downstairs
-also met a girl scout and then proceeded to recite the oath whilst pouring Captain Mo, oh how far we have come.
-felt like I was back in Asia because it was literally 938472387 degrees in the house, plus sweaty humidity, so basically I felt like I was inhaling a mixture of BO and alcohol all night, which was definitely a highlight. NO.
-I made a Jewish friend named MITCH!
-someone randomly picked me up as a big sis, which is funny because 1. neither of us are affiliated because we both de-pledged/deferred and because 2. just wtf HAHAHA...oh well he offered me lunch so I will be taking advantage of this accordingly
-got hit on (?????) by very drunk/very taken boy...LOL but I dodged that bullet whew
-and got hugged a lot, which I really was not enjoying, because I mean, it was 23984793874 degrees in there, do we really need to share our body warmth? Really? Come on guys.

Then we stopped by another party for about two minutes, with one minute being devoted to me emptying my bladder.

THEN we came back to my apartment complex and played some beer pong (which I really do not remember).
-apparently I was talking hella shit to nobody but my own partner. TEAMWORK FTW. But it's okay because
-I DID NOT TROLL. One cup made, accomplishment I would say, especially considering my state of being...hahaha NTS, do not play this game when very drunk

And then I don't remember coming back to my apartment but...I MADE IT SAFE AND SOUND!

Good costumes I saw:
-JUNO & PAULIE BLEEKER!!! I took a picture of her belly. In retrospect that might be semi-awkward but do I care? No. Also this was funny because some guy thought she was ACTUALLY pregnant and mentioned that it might be harmful to her unborn baby to be downing that many shots, LOL.
-IDK, but there is a picture of some guy's nipple on my camera.......good.
-TAYLOR SWIFT! (: as mentioned before.
-there were a lot of babies. And just...naked people. Well, I mean, Mean Girls hit on an immortal truth: Halloween is the only time a girl can dress like a slut and not be judged for it. Apparently the rule applies to guys as well. But really, being naked is not a costume. I'm sorry.
-DeadMaus woooo
-"drunk all the time". He made a shirt with pictures of himself highly inebriated, that said "wanted by the FBI for being DRUNK ALL THE TIME" or something like that. Oh yeah this is the guy who I Taylor Swift-ed with and also the guy who punched in the side of the car and ended up in the drunk tank. So I guess his costume wasn't really a costume, more of a...real life identity type thing. HAHA.
-TOOL! He had a hat shaped like a wrench and then a shirt that said tool, I LOLed.
-some guy was an angel, I LOLed again.
-cute high school couple - football player and cheerleader. The football guy came in FULL GEAR. Those shoulder pads were NOT FUN to stand next to, especially when he turned abruptly and whacked my face
-then you got your regular crew of tramps and nerds, workout people and guys in corsets (which is REALLY not pretty, or even that funny, if you ask me)

But I'm not ragging on other peoples costumes, because okay, I don't even know what I was...basically people asked me what I was, and I just said "you tell me." So responses I got:
-Pocahontas (okay, this is initially what I wanted to be, but I totally thought I ditched that idea when I found this ridiculously shiny $8 dress at Buffalo Exchange. Apparently not, though? So I guess I win..)
-Cleopatra (that's the one I was planning on sticking with)
-Greek goddess
-shiny piece of shit. No, I kid. But yeah whatever.
-"pretty". HAHAHA......awkward, bye.

Also I was very unaware of how drunk texty I am.
-I REALLY MISS YOU HOME PEOPLE. Sorry to Neri for getting the full brunt of my drunken homesickness. Also my first text reads "I breally ahev to pee rght now." So thanks Neri...for reading about the state of my bladder....yeeeeah.
-Thanks to Tim who basically made my night with this piece of quality texting: "Ur a mnonkin fabker baller ! luqo" (WHAT IS LUQO? But "mnonkin fabker" is definitely entering my daily vocabulary)
-"RAPE RAPE RAPE" (?!?!?!)
-"Woowowww m drunk when id this haoppen." (Self, please stop texting. And the time stamp reads 1:45 AM, so I guess there is your answer.)
-at least that was a change from 12:01 AM, "I need to bhe more drunkk"
-then to Nate: "Hoep youre having a better night than me. Fuck," -- was I telling him to get some action?? (; HAHAHA just kidding friends
-1:46 is when I wanted to be back in the CPT I suppose. "Im drinkk take me home )))):::" That is really a scary smiley face, four mouths and three sets of eyes. Monsters really do come out on Halloween. But I guess this is still better than the hoards of emoticon-overusers :D :D :D :D :D :P :P :P :P :P ;) ;) who once texted me on a daily basis before I non-subtly snipped them out of my inbox and life.

So yeah, I woke up around 10 this morning still in full costume, just...on my bed. Must say it was kind of surprising but at the same time very relieving. Lol. Cleaned up, went to Del Taco & de-briefed the night...and now a full day of homework and school business to deal with. And yeah, apparently I KO'ed while listening to Super Mash Bros, so add that to the list of other random music I fall asleep to (NERD). HOLLA, MUSIC THREAD.

identity

I feel as though I don't know my own identity, but others seem to.

Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)

I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.

But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.

Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.

Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.

Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.

He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)

Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.

Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.

So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.

Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.

After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.

I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).

SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?

Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.

Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.

So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.

The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.

I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.

So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.

Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?

I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.

So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.

But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.

I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.

"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."

NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.

Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.

On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."

I was pretty thrilled.

life lately

My computer/mind have been completely failing me lately, so I've put Asia-trip-related goodness on hold. Also I hate Facebook for leading me to believe that my pictures are uploading successfully, and then after one hour of patiently watching the loading bar tiptoe closer to the end, a popup appears saying "Upload failed!" Thanks for the exclamation point, Facebook, I'm enthusiastic about failure too! SIGH.

So instead of blogging more about Asia or trying to upload pictures again, I've found much more entertainment on the internets.

1. The VMAs were today, yay. Of course I missed it cause I fell asleep, and I don't have cable anyway. Thankfully I checked up on the ever-dependable Perez and found the video of Kanye hatin on my girl Taylor. What a gem. How incredibly rude of him, if I were Taylor I would've hit him with my Moonman. I thought it was kind of sad that KidCudi didn't win a Moonman, because he IS the moon man, isn't he? Hahah. And also I found out that Taylor is like 5'11' or some other Amazonian height. But I digress. What wins me over about Kanye is that he published an apology blog, here it is, in typical Kanye fashion - he got his Caps Lockdown and his excessive exclamation points, what more can we ask for.

"I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!"

......LOL. My outrage on Taylor's behalf subsided a little.

2. Fashion Week in NYC. Happy happy happy. So far BCBG and Derek Lam are my faves, Rag & Bone and Alexander Wang were good too. I have kind of fallen in love with Victoria Beckham, because she comes across as actually kind of cute and fun and non-alien like, contrary to her appearance, plus she knows what she's talking about. And her collection is actually well-designed unlike other celebrity-turned-designers IE LAUREN CONRAD. Honestly why is she even famous. But hoorah for Posh Spice! Christian Siriano too, ALWAYS a favorite.

3. GOSSIP GIRL IS TOMORROW!!!!!!!! I'm as enthusiastic about this as Kanye is about apologizing to Taylor, can't you tell? YAY!!!

---

One week till I'm back in Irvine. Much to do till then!

breath

There's makeup on the pillow from the nights I'm out too late
There are plans and thoughts in my mind, cause I can't seem to wait
for things to keep on happening, I need to set the pace
but they say to take it slow, this life is not a race

---

More and more, the every day roller coaster is teaching me how to depend on myself and where to find the people to truly count on. I feel like I'm living the Sex & the City life cause right now the guys in my life are kinda whaaack. My close girl friends are so fun to chill with or go out on adventures with or cause trouble with...and it's really different from kicking it with boys, obviously. It's so weird cause it's kinda opposite from home-life, but I like both. I CAN HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, TOO!

Which brings me to the point that I kind of have been really liking Miley Cyrus the past couple of days. Today I watched the Hannah Montana movie (and kind of secretly loved it). "See you again" has been on repeat lately, it's so fun to dance to hehe. SHH GUYS, this is a big secret. I told myself I would never like Miley but oh well.

Cause HONESTLY honestly, we all have our Hannah Montana sides! HAHA this is maybe one of the lamest analogies I've ever made but...I totally get it. We all have that interior that only a few people know. And I especially feel that there's a switch that I turn on when I go to parties or hang out with people. I feel like a different person. There's a select few here who know both sides to the story, and I think I'm going to keep it that way for now.

SO you know how there's that saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea"? Metaphorically, I totally understand. But yesterday I went grunion running and there were like...no fish in the sea. I was in the ocean for like 1+ hour getting DRENCHED (and loving it) and we caught one fish. We meaning the people who caught me and J. on our way to doing our laundry and convinced us to go with them to Seal Beach. Sigh, summer adventures...that result in late nights...and sleepy days...and bad grades on stats tests. BOO.

But yeah basically grunions are fish, once a year they come in to mate and when the waves come in they wash up on the beach and stuff. There were SO many people out trying to catch them, it was pretty crazy! I loved just being in the ocean at night, it just feels like another world. I got completely soaked and it was exhilirating.

So that brings my beach count for the summer up to a measly 2. Both were rather spontaneous nighttime adventures. Once was with A., a new friend(?). We'll see.

Honestly, tonight there are so many things I could do and I love that. But I'm kind of excited to take a breather and take it slow...for once, right? I haven't had much down time lately, there are people to see and things to do. I don't get a chance to write as often and I think my skills are definitely going down the drain. It's a scribbled thought accompanying my morning ramen or sandwiched between my late-night teeth-brushing and KO on the pillow.

I'm very excited to see C. tomorrow. (:

I can't control my train of thought right now! It's definitely de-railed. So I'll make some lists, cause that is what I am good at.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LATELY:
-I'm not a very romantic person.
-We're all a little bit racist.
-The Exorcist was not that scary.
-I feel low when I feel like there are no options.
-This is more of an opinion...but I think my cupcakes are better than Sprinkles. Maybe I just got a big ego (cue music)

---
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
---

GOALS:
summer:
-learn how to read palms (holla Arjun. hahah)
-get a bike, bike to Newport
-maybe run a 5k.
-learn how to play Ego and The Climb on the piano
-get back to ice skating
next year:
-formal rush but don't pledge
-join ASUCI
-write for the New U
-or join the yearbook
-Snowboard club?
-learn how to DANCE!
-join an environmental friendly club
-get into SPOP

---

This was the most random blog ever...

I'm on a bus

motherfuckers, take a look at me.

YES! The title is indeed true, because I am blogging to you live from the Vietnamese Bus*. Slash Highway Five. It's a great day out here on the highway for a number of reasons:
1. the sun is shining! (even though I can't feel it and all the shades are drawn..)
2. I just found out this bus has wifi. LEGIT
3. the Jacki Chan movie about the Tuxedo is playing...which is a huge upgrade from Miss Vietnam Global. (Although I do love a good pageant show)
and of course,
4. "I'm On A Boat" has been stuck in my head for the past 3-4 hours, except the remixed version that my head created, "I'm On A Bus"...it's pretty great.
All in all a successful trip thus far. My estimated arrival time in Irvine is probably around 4 or 5, and from there I have a nice lonely evening and perhaps a kickback to attend if plans legitimize. (Is that even a word?)

*For those of you who are interested, I skipped out on the sandwich after finding out that it really is actually ground liver. And no, there is no nail salon. Unfortunate, my nails could use some work.

I just looked out my window....SHIET, MIDDLE CAL! D: Shoot me now. This giant bus is gonna kill so many butterflies and bugs. And there are no nice trees and hills for me to entertain my eyes with. Which leads me to the second list of my blogpost:

Why NorCal is Far Superior (from both SoCal and MidCal, if that even counts as a segment of Cal.)
1. THE AIR. So much more fresh, crisp, clean, more adjectives that remind you of a salad. Honestly, I can see LA from some parts in Irvine and it looks kind of like Mordor. Smog is no fun, kids.
2. Trees. There are a LOT more trees. And it's just a lot more dense and green and lush. Plus we have the REAL trees (ie Redwoods) not the wimpy little trees that I don't know the names of. They're nice too, but Redwoods will always be my favorite.

3. Hills. I never really noticed, but Cupertino is constantly receiving a giant hug from the hills on pretty much all sides. And they are GREEN and fabulous. I just want to run up all of them and sing about how the hills are alive with the sound of music. But then I remind myself that I am not in that great shape and I am also not Julie Andrews, so I will content myself with driving up the hills with my friends (HOLLA highway 9!). NorCal has soo many great lookout spots; perhaps I'm just not well acquainted with Irvine enough to know where the good spots are, but so far the only place I know of is the top floor of the parking structure. WIN.


4. Character. I feel like NorCal is not as manufactured and planned as SoCal. Especially Irvine, which was plotted out specifically and planned meticulously by the Irvine Company. Hooray for having a Utopian style town (bleh) but um...I like towns and cities that grow. I can't really explain it, but just looking around the streets of NorCal you KNOW that there's character and stories and growing. SoCal just feels too materialistic and image-conscious.
5. They say we have nothing, but honestly we have everything. We have the Bay. The beaches, the hills, and everything in between. We have great cities like SF and we have Santa Cruz and scenery and real trees...and we have Tahoe! Although that is kind of a drive.
6. NorCal has tons of Priuses! I saw one that was painted really nicely; it was an ocean scene I think? Then it blended into a rainbow. THE POINT IS we are environment-friendly! Unlike Mordor and those smog producing Orcs. I hardly ever see Priuses in SoCal and when I do it makes me a little happy inside. Haha.
7. The people. This one is kind of a given.


Which leads me to the discussion of a most fabulously-spent holiday. It's hard to believe that a little less than a week ago, Nate, Crystal and I were careening down this same highway, killing bugs without a thought, heading for HOME and friends and happiness. I can honestly say, although this break seems to be ending prematurely, it was very well spent in great company. It just fits, like puzzle pieces nawmean? I guess I didn't truly realize the significance of HOME before this break, I don't know why. I have a lot more to say on this subject but as it is, this blogpost is already quite long and I know that if I got into the details it would be more self-reflective boring-for-you-to-read material. So I will hold off on that and write about random things instead.

The guy sitting catty corner from me was writing in his moleskine earlier. I wanted to pat him on the head, but I held myself back. I'm giving Nate a holla by using his fave phrase, "catty corner." And when I was asking how to spell it, this greatness happened:
N: catty and kitty are also exceptable
C: okay
C: ACCEPTABLE*
C: SHIET SON, YOU JUST GOT CORRECTED
N: shiit
C: I AM GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS.

So I did. Also he gave a really weak excuse:
N: I woke up like an hour ago so gimme a break

Hahaha, oh meepkins. Not getting off that easy. This is a victory that I am going to relish forever. CHyeah I just immortalized it into my blogspot. What now.

Last night I had a dream that I was on my way to class and I got a phone call from a mystery number. I picked it up, and it was none other than JASON MRAZ. He was calling to tell me that he wanted me to dance in his music video or something. And do you know what I said???? "Can I call you back later? I'm in class."
I take that as a really good sign for my grades next quarter. You don't just turn down Jason Mraz! I was surprised at my dream-self when I woke up.

Anyway, spring break was The Shit minus some sourness with my parents that I can forget about. I am re-energized for the hardest quarter this year, and I'm ready to work hard and slack off less. Being home reminded me that there are good people in the world and that there are reasons to prove yourself and have ambitions. It was just the breath of fresh air that I needed.

edit// 4pm
In my dorm room! Just added some pics...and this is me at the end of the Vietnamese bus trip:


YAY

the coolhunt

HumCore lecture got decidedly interesting as my professor assigned some reading about the coolhunt and then proceeded to discuss the fashion/photography/culture of the streets. Praise thee for relating this to Jane Jacobs in some distant way.

Basically I read some essays by Malcolm Gladwell and gathered the following about "cool":
1. It takes someone cool to recognize someone else who is cool.
2. You can't manufacture cool.
3. Once you call it cool, it is no longer cool.

Cool is a paradox.

It's interesting -- check out the flow of cool:
1. It starts with street culture. On the streets it's individual, original, unique.
2. Cool hunters find it, communicate the trend to the brands.
3. The brands mass produce the "cool" item/trend.
4. Trickles down to the mall-friendly masses.
At step 4, it ceases to be cool. Once step 1 reaches step 4, step 1 is already embracing something totally different.

Oh, and there are actual careers centered around cool hunting. Coolhunters run around on the streets finding out what kids think are in, then collaborate and create lists like the Hot Sheet and the L Report for companies that are trying to revive their cool...


...like Reebok.

Celebrity endorsements help too, I guess. I thought it was funny that I read this 1997 essay last night about how Reebok was trying to regain their cool, then I woke up and here is Leighton Meester endorsing Reebok in 2009, and I still don't see Reebok as cool, sorry. I guess there's only so much you can do.

So what is cool, really?
Personally, I find individuality cool. Dressing uniquely, living differently, thinking independently, and letting that all manifest itself upon your being as you strut out into the world for judgement and scrutiny without fear. Being cool is separating yourself from the masses. Living with inspiration and self-awareness and confidence. But that is just my opinion. Everyone wants to be cool, and everyone is different which is cool. Somehow still, most everyone is riding on the coattails of cool instead of being at the forefront of it. (So how do we get there?)

Something lacking in Irvine is culture. I thought about this as I walked around campus today; everyone pretty much dresses cookie cutter, and even if they dress differently than most people, it is still the same as other people. It kind of pains me, but it is okay because I have street fashion blogs to look at for my source of urban diversity. Still though, I would like to walk around and find someone's outfit utterly inspiring... but again, I am not contributing in any way to the culture of Irvine, because I have literally been living in my Hanes T's and AA jackets and Rainbows and all those other typical SoCal items.

This whole post was kind of a DUH. But I was extremely glad to be studying something of the now as opposed to those late great philosophers and opera composers. And how cool would it be to be a coolhunter? Legitimate.

back to bouncy

Somehow I kind of fell into a downer mood the past couple of days. But there are a number of things that totally cheered me up and here they are:

-Lady GaGa & happy music in general. I mentioned to Crystal that she should not listen to sad music and then realized that I was a filthy hypocrite, so I rid myself of my glum Mraz and instead turned to find the Remedy in happier songs (haha, such Wordplay here (omg I did it again)). Also, dancing in my room alone when nobody is looking is pretty much therapeutic.

-Going to the gym. I've been going regularly! Endorphins are my drug. Hahaha...no.

-The little study room in my dorm where little studying occurs. My friends and I record videos for each other in there, and there are a number of epic productions scattered among our friends' walls. For instance, there is one bootay-poppin video somewhere on facebook, and another video of "Jizz in my Pants" (pretty beast) somewhere else. And the study room was the scene of my friend's pencil twirling gone awry -- the pencil spun out of control and jabbed him in the eye. HAHAHA! Of course he was not hurt, otherwise I would not be laughing. Except I probably would be anyway.

-Long talks! I started getting to know this guy better and I stayed up until around 5 two nights in a row cause we just kept talking! These are the kinds of conversations I love, even though they leave me feeling drained and falling asleep in Psychology. And there is absolutely nothing romantical about these conversations, which makes me all the happier. Friendship is fun and so are fluvial conversations!

**Side note: FLUVIAL is the greatest word. Instead of saying "we clicked!" when referring to someone you get along with really well, my friends and I now say fluvial. Of or pertaining to a river. AKA FLOW! Fluvial. Woot.

-I dropped my Management class with my fobby bee-ness professor. And now I am enrolled in maybe the Best Class of All Time. Beatles & the 60's!!! I am totally pumped for this class and I don't even care that people gripe about how much memorization it is. My first lecture was today and it was pretty damn interesting, although I did fall asleep for a moment. Not to happen again! I can't wait to learrrrn.

-WEATHER!<3 Irvine has been a delicious 80+ degrees the whole week. I'm hoping for a nice summery glow in the midst of winter.

Okay my eyelids are drooping like a dozy dog's. Haha oh alliteration! Till next time.

here again

I don't know whether or not I'm at home when I'm at Cupertino still! And in all honesty I'm not even in Cupertino, I'm in Santa Clara. Which causes confusion for poor little me. I live way too far. ):

I feel like wherever you go there will just be people you love and who (hopefully) love you back. That's where home is, I guess.

I think I'm in an incredibly crappy mood! But I will push on, regardless.

SO fall quarter is over, and I did learn a lot. Not necessarily book-knowledge but like...life knowledge. Haha, hooray for experience beating you in the face with a brick. That was a little harsh, fall quarter was nothing like that! I coasted along for the most part with some bumps along the way, but that is generally how things go for me anyhow.

Lessons learned?
1. Know how to focus on yourself and what you need to take care of. IE, if you have class early in the morning the next day, do NOT stay up until 4am with people who don't have class until the afternoon. Not really the best idea.
2. Don't spend so much money. Seriously. I NEED A JOB.
3. Eating ramen overly much isn't really the best idea. Not really.
4. TIME MANAGEMENT is crucial! But we have all heard that one before, duh.
5. Yes, college is different. Adjustments must be made, do not be so surprised/naive.

Goals for next quarter:
-sign up for dance classes
-go to the ARC regularly
-work on not eating super late at night
-work on not staying up super late, for that matter.
-be on top of my schoolwork

Okay...I'm done but not really. Boo. I think a really nice long nap would help me. I'm not in the cheeriest of spirits. \=

never satisfied?

I actually really miss Irvine.

So it's weird to be home, because now I feel like Irvine is my home. I LIVE there...and I feel like I'm staying at a hotel here. I don't know where anything is in my new house and I haven't even been around that much to get to know it better. Plus, in about 24 hours my belongings will be packed away again and I will be flying south.

Don't get me wrong, I totally love seeing everyone. I realized how much I missed my friends when I first saw them and I got that super excited feeling in my throat/stomach and it's just like YAY! Still though, it's weird being here. I think winter break will be less strange because it'll be a lot longer and hanging out won't be so forced/rushed. We'll just go with the flowww.

Seriously, though. Is this how it's going to be from now on? Am I going to have to be torn between Cupertino and Irvine, always? Norcal or Socal? And why am I never happy where I am? When I'm in Irvine I want to be in Cupertino with my old friends. When I'm here, I want to be in Irvine with my new friends. Satisfaction is so hard to come by. I think what I really missed is a time that I can never really get back, when college wasn't really part of the equation and we all just had one home and we weren't flying around the world. The one-ness of it made things so easy. And now that this singularity is ruined it's difficult to be satisfied with what you have...cause it'll always be different from what it was before.

Now would be the perfect time for a cheesy line...but I say screw that. It's completely your outlook and your take on life that matters, so make it count and make sure you're being honest to yourself.

I'm all over the placeee.

And this is not really a Thanksgiving post at all. So here is a list of things I am thankful for:
1. Friends being at home in Cupertino and in Irvine.
2. TRUE friends who are more like family. Oh, and family.
3. Home cooked meals.
4. UCI and the amazing people I have met and the opportunities that are offered to me.
5. Good sales and good shopping. Plus, the ability that nice, new clothes have to make me happy. NO I'm not shallow.
6. Jack in the Box and their extensive and satisfying menu.
7. Weekends.

Most of all, I am thankful that I have a mind of my own and that I can pave my own way through life and do my own thing, that I can learn for myself and choose for myself. This freedom is incredible and not to be overlooked.

mondays are awesome

WEIRD TITLE RIGHT? I never thought I would say it, but I really love Mondays. They've become the second Sunday of the week, kind of. A slow transition into the beastiality of the rest of the week.

Reasons:
1. Class starts at one, and it's a five minute walk from my dorm. Thus, I wake up at 12:45 and make it to class on time, always.
2. Class is over by 2:50, so I'm back in my room by around three.
3. Today I got back to a girl party in the common room; pajamas, snacks, blankets, and Love Actually.<3
4. After that finished, we watched The Holiday.
5. Gossip Girl is on in four minutes.
6. I'm going to be home in two days.

My ramen dinner awaits. My Monday was great. (:

EDIT//
OKAY, Gossip Girl is NOT ON. It's okay. One Tree Hill will suffice.

i should be sleeping

but I wanted to say a couple things.

1. I miss having people around me that I can really really count on. And I miss going to Donut Wheel late at night and talking about everything instead of actually doing homework.

2. Basically I miss having the really good conversations with friends.

3. I miss being around people who know how flawed I am and hang out with me anyway.

4. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now than at home, in my own bed, dreaming the night away with the knowledge that the people I love best are just a short drive away.

5. There are maybe thousands of things that I miss right now, and the list would probably bore you to death and make me tear up in some sort of over-emotional state. But yeah, keep it together, right?

6. I miss being the me that I was used to.

7. All this missing...and a small part of me beats myself up for not being able to fully enjoy my college experience or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.

Ok, everyone misses home and I bet all this is old news for you guys. I just needed to vent right now. Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow so you guys can all ignore the maybe hormonal blog posts of a jaded teenager at three in the morning. WOW, that is a winning combination.

Bye from a rather glum anteater in Irvine.