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What have you failed at in the past that you now regret? Or what task, project, or goal are you avoiding because it's challenging? Today, start taking it on. And this time, don't be such a pussy when things get tough.

It's hard to answer this prompt because one, I hate thinking about things I regret. I try to live without any regrets but of course they're always going to exist, there's no denying it. And two, I'm avoiding so much, and the more I think about it, the more I realize I've been avoiding things my whole life.

Avoiding making ripples and being comfortable enough to step on some toes. But that's a different issue. My roommate and I are working on this goal: be aggressive. Not necessarily aggressive but more loyal to your desires and the such...and to stop being such a doormat. I seriously need to stop being a doormat.

"So when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. But if you're like most people I know, you give til it hurts...and then you give some more."

-Meredith Grey

Been there, done that. I feel like I have nothing left to give, and I'm just pulled in a million different directions and I can't satisfy anyone or myself.

I'm digressing from the actual prompt. Right now I suppose I'm avoiding researching the study abroad programs that I want to participate in. I've been putting it off and I know that deadlines are going to come up and that if I miss them this year I'll have to rearrange the plans I've made and re-figure it out. Half of me doesn't mind right now, this whole thing is so up in the air and we'll see if I ever make it out of the country at all. Plus financially I'm being drawn to several different areas and I really don't have the money to do everything I want.

In the past I've failed at saving money and getting to my goals...so I need to keep reminding myself to limit the spending.

I'm putting off these plans because I guess it feels so...final. When it comes around it'll come around, but I know that nothing happens unless you make it happen for yourself. I'm just in such a lazy place right now. I just want to sit and make lists.

In the past I have failed at working harder to realize my potential, and in the past I have failed at being honest to whatever rampant emotions take hold. In the past I have failed at keeping the thoughts/words/actions relationship pointed in the same direction. Too many directions.

"Watch your thoughts, they become your words.
Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

Another thing to work on.

And another thing I've failed at in the past is forming my own opinions about things, and I've failed at not letting peoples' judgments get in the way of my decisions. About MY life. I hate judgment, stop the judgment.

There are too many things for me to tackle right now, and all I really want to do is disappear into my big bed and forget the world exists.

There's something so interesting about meeting strangers. Flitting in and out of your life and you don't really know if they're meant to bring you something more than just a name and a greeting.

Another thing I've been avoiding is the gym, but I went today and yesterday and the endorphins are pumpin and YAY! Hah, I tackled one thing. Baby steps.

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford

follow your heart

I've never been very good at this, in any aspect.

Yesterday was an excellent Saturday, consisting of:

-swinging in the park

-all you can eat KBBQ

-browsing Borders whilst sipping hot chocolate

-live guitarist

-wandering through Michaels & Target

-Sex & the City marathon

-all occurring in very good company.

Today was rather different...I went for a run with my roommate to the park and completely DIED. So very out of shape. But I got to swing again.

I think I'm dehydrated.

I bought this journal at Borders yesterday called "Skinny Bitchin." I'm excited to complete it, and I will be posting responses to the prompts.

Today I also wrote a letter to no one (someone), failed at studying for Anthro, formulated plans in my head for future park visits and a zoo trip, and found out that male giraffes often engage in sexual activities with each other.

Also, I've decided that this face :C is stupid.

---

Here is my goal for the week:

"Live more freely, walk more slowly, appreciate more readily. Understand and desire love, pursue love, live in love."

words of wisdom

Today started off semi-rough.

I had a French quiz this morning...and if you didn't see my status, you will now.
Chery Sutjahjo: LOL FML french quiz: he asked me who is the laziest in my family, i answered by telling him where i keep my spare umbrellas....HAHAHAHA FAIL

YEAHHH so, paresseux and parapluie definitely NOT the same thing. I was basically laughing my head off the whole time as he reviewed the quiz and went over the answers. Because my answer, instead of saying something along the lines of "I am the laziest in my family" or something like that, was more like "In the closet." .......HAHAHA.

Good thing I have a midterm on Tuesday. WIN! Actually I'm a LOT better at written as opposed to oral testing, so I'm not supremely worried about this. Still. Studying to be done.

Anyway...some random little tidbits have been needling at me much more too. I don't know why I'm being so touchy today, but there was some SERIOUS vibin going on.

VIBIN - Vicious Inner Bitchin. Occurs when I am not a good mood and start mentally hating on every living being on this planet for no apparent reason. This never translates to vocal bitchin, which is good. Just turns my head into some crazy place for the time being.

Yeah so I was hardcore vibin for a large portion of today, I don't really know why. Thankfully my buddy Meher knows whats up, and when I texted him telling him about my weird mood, he responded:

Fuck'em Friday, noun - a spontaneous occurrence of extreme vibin, usually occurring on, but not limited to, a Friday. Reason for occurrence: bitches ain't shit. Ex, "man, fuck'em Friday, I'm vibin on these hoes."

I loled in the middle of class.

Anyway the rest of the day was satisfactory, and this weekend should be ultimate rest time. Not much planned and I'm enjoying it the way that it is. DGAF weekend for sure! GOD I need to stop with these weird terms.

ALSO, I HAVE A NEW BABY:
HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM
more lifestyle, less whining. please add!

tetris & a sense of humor

So today when I was (not) studying, I decided that life is like Tetris. It is maybe the most perfect analogy I have ever created, and I congratulate myself on this genius idea.

You see, sometimes things just fit perfectly. And you are rewarded for your skill/action or whatever you did to deserve something falling into place so nicely. Kudos.



More often than not, this is not the case.



Sometimes, you THINK something will fit, BUT IT WON'T! That's your bad, oops. Don't worry, it's fixable.



It just sucks when something better comes along that would have fit. Then you kick yourself in the shins. But again, more pieces are coming so, not to worry!

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Ultimately you die, unless you play tetris until you...actually die. Sad for you.


Sometimes things are just fail. It's okay, try again.

Don't worry guys, contrary to the illustrations, I am actually pretty good at Tetris......ha.

I wonder what my life would look like as a Tetris game. Haha. Am I crazy? Have I been trying to study/not study for too long? Yes, probably to both. Sigh.

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A more substantial portion of this strange blogpost:

A good sense of humor is all you need to get through anything life throws your way.

For instance, the single life can be crazy and very weird. One of my girl friends told me stories about weird guys touching her legs and asking to see her armpits and the such. And we all know the (fail) stories of my car hustler and other...more than friendly endeavors. Haha. Today the girl friend I mentioned texted me about a guy she met twice:

"homeboy went through my underwear drawer. who does that?!"

In response, all I have to ask is, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DEALING WITH? Some boys just surpass any and all boundaries and never fail to put a O_O on my face.

"he brought over two cans of beer...LOL"

...............good. At least it was two...courtesy, perhaps? Or he was really, really thirsty.

"he pulled the shaving line like the other guy. he's like hey you don't have much hair then he touched my leg"

Yeah, there was another guy who did that. HAHA....okay. Can I get some explanations? These situations are just so bizarre.

weakness

"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."

This quote has stuck out in my mind ever since the time I stumbled upon it when browsing through Postsecret. (I've probably even written about it here). I've pondered it and thought about it but somehow I still don't know what it means to me. Does it mean that we should relent to the weakness and be absorbed in the misery of being human? Or does it simply mean that some things that make us weak are not actually ailments that should be sought to be cured? Do our weaknesses make us who we are? Or do they change us by forcing us to try to overcome them?

"Some secrets are good...a little shade makes you more interesting."
"Yeah...shadows make someone 3-d."
How true and unfortunate. Fortunate? Depends what the shadows are hiding, I suppose.

I digress. I was writing about weakness. I thought somehow that snippet of a conversation would relate because it does in my mind, but maybe not so much after all.

Anyway. Here I am, possibly at the weakest point ever. I suppose the cycle of engaging myself too much when I know I need rest is paralleled emotionally as well. But first off let's discuss the breakdown. It started off Monday night, and then all of Tuesday I was in bed with a raging fever, imagining I was on my death bed and thinking of all the things I'd regret. I hadn't the strength to get up and beg for medicine until about four hours into my pitiful non-nap. Delirious and awoken from my "near-death" state, I thought I knew what I would do and I had a certain determination. I'm proud of my then-self; but maybe I was only that way because I had an excuse. I could put it off until I got better, at least.

Today I was feeling better. I made it to class, hung out with friends, went to Baja Fresh for a free burrito deal. Towards the end of dinner I started itching...and finding strange bumps on my face. Initially I dismissed them as bug bites but then they started popping up really quickly. I was not in a good state. I guess I was having an allergic reaction, to what, I don't know. But we raced off to Albertsons to pick up some Benadryl, with my heartbeat pounding in my ever-swelling face.

So maybe it's all the acetaminophen and diphenhydramine in my system right now that's making me feel like this. Like what? LIKE SHIT. My body is under attack from within. I feel betrayed.

I hate feeling weak.

I also hate that I am doing nothing to get closer to where I want to be. In any aspect of my life. Why am I holding myself back? I am my own worst enemy.

I wish I wrote these words

Mraz got there first.

A Beautiful Mess

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
and based on your body language and shoddy cursive i've been reading
your style is quite selective
though your mind is rather reckless
well i guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear

cause here we are
here we are

although you are biased, i love your advice
your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
there's no shame in being crazy
depending on how you take these words i'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is a life i've heard
but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
oh, dear
cause here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
we're still here

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess
when the only answer is yes

and through timeless words
and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn
and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern
when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses
and stained our shirts
but it's nice today
oh the wait was so worth it

---

kid cudi speaks:
"worst thing in the world is emotions so i'm sitting here trying to go through the motions"

let me get my theme music

just forget everything that you know
let's take it all the way back to hello
they say you living like you died before
i got a place that only i can go...

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SUMMER (:

Although I have been under house arrest for the past couple days I managed to leave the house today. And it was GLORIOUS! I love being home with these people. They get my endorphins up, you guys are my endorphrends. Sorry. I feel like I am on crack right now.

I'm excited to go back to Irvine too, though. Always this limbo.

I thought this blog would be more cohesive and thoughtful, but I just wanna have fun right now. Summer summer summmmmerrrrrr. Best word in the dictionary.

there is

so much that I could say right now, about this weekend of fails, about this learning experience that was thrust upon me, about this desire I have to write about some things that elude my understanding. But I have to save these words for another time, because I'm swamped and sleepy and to be honest, quite intimidated by the sheer amount of things that are on my mind. Once I start, I will never stop, so I will save it for a journal entry accompanied by hand cramps.

---

The Fray and Melee have been bouncing around in my mind all day. And all day I have avoided doing homework as per usual. I didn't even do my laundry or vacuum, I'm disgusting I know! Honestly if you asked me what I did today I would be at a loss for words. But I did have some very good fries at In-N-Out so it is not really a day wasted, right?

I cannot believe that it is week 9 already! I have to pick my classes this week (humcore, management, french? logic&linguistics? chemistry of cooking?) and possibly arrange a date for my community service...hah. I'm also planning on watching the free showing of Milk, and volunteering for Jumpstart tomorrow with a hallmate. Add in some hardcore catching up in classes and excercise and you have my week. I need some strength...

This quote stood out to me today:
"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."
It's hard for me to accept weakness, though; in both myself and others.

talk

There's too much talk sometimes. Things get tangled up in everyone's different accounts of what happened, different opinions of what went wrong, different perceptions of people and how they act. There's too much talk about people's motives and people's loyalties and how to fix misunderstandings. There is miscommunication and there is lack of communication and even if you do happen to get the right amount of talk in, sometimes it's still wrong. Who's to say if trust in the talk is the best idea? There are just too many things unsaid and then there are things that are said too much. When does it ever strike the right balance? And when and who do you trust, whose talk do you believe?

I wonder if it would be better if we were all mute.

Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you

edit;
Sometimes things aren't said when you know they should be, and sometimes you leave it alone. Sometimes you say things you don't really mean, sometimes you say too much of what you mean, sometimes you over-think, sometimes you don't think enough. Sometimes you speak without thinking and think without speaking.


Humans in general and me in particular need to know when to talk and when to shut up and cut the bullshit.

MEH.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-eu-britain-new-word,0,1807854.story
'Meh' is officially a word! Suck it, fancy English. We're slowly ushering in the official age of internet-inspired lingo. Can't wait to use GTFO in my next paper! Haha.

This formal introduction of 'meh' into everyday language comes at perhaps the most perfect time. There is no other word right now to better describe how I feel about college, boys, studying, drama, etc. Meh. It's all temporary, so why give it more attention and stress than it really deserves, right?

Meh is a way of life.

Anyway, to the more substantial portion of my blog, in bullet points this time because I am lazy and hungry.
-My Ramen supply is dwindling rapidly, I fear I will starve to death.
-I changed my meal plan for next quarter so I won't have to be Ramen girl again (hopefully).
-I really have nothing else to say.

Only like a week more until I get to go home. I feel like it will be such a welcome release and I am pining for it and counting down the days until I can reunite with my favorites again. I miss you guys. ):

I close with this quote, because this is how I feel ATM:
"Maybe we could be each others soul mates. And then we could just let men be these great nice guys to have fun with." -Sex and the City

Ah, the wisdom of single ladies in staggering Jimmy Choos will never fail me. And my love-hate relationship with that show is, I think, permanently on the love side now. SJP/Carrie just bug me to no end, but whatever.

GOSSIP GIRL IS ON NOW!! I miss my GG crew. ):