locked inside that house

So for such a short week of school, it dragged on for what felt like an eternity! Maybe it was the crazy weather, I'm pretty sure I've done enough bitching about wet socks to last...another eternity.

Irvine got exciting for a while, what with all these strong winds and downpours and thunder and lightning shows! Then yesterday some guy was strolling around the Student Center buck naked and got arrested apparently. WILD TIMES.

Anyway, I kind of hope the rain continues this weekend, just so I can feel justified when I sit on the couch for hours on end watching movies and Sex & the City and ICE SKATING!!! Plus it'll be nice to just sit indoors and KNOW you won't have to go out and brave the wilderness to go to class. So my 2010 goal was to not ditch class and this week I ditched 2 because I was not devoted enough to get drenched for my classes. I know, I knowww... education>weather. Also I fell asleep in my anthro class with my cute/funny professor and I am SO, SO sad, so I have resolved to get more sleep, and thus fall asleep in his class never ever again.

Another nice thing, I think, will be to be relatively alone this weekend. I tumblr-ed about this earlier this week I think but I do really enjoy my ME TIME! And I think I over-socialized myself without getting some stuff done that I really need to do, ie clean my room, because I seriously have about four square feet of open floor space at the moment. Grand, I know. So yeah, time to dig away into my little hidey-hole.

PLUS, I bought this Thai sauce from Trader Joe's that I am dying to try out. OOH. I should probably go defrost some chicken breasts right nowww. MMMM 6:

I feel like an elitist sometimes...or just supremely detached. Someone said TFC? I hope to GOD I don't come off as that but, as someone else said, usually I'm just caught up in my own world with relatively little regard for the rest of the goings-on of the world. Isn't everyone like that though? I don't know how to further explain this. This blog was unsubstantial BUT I shall leave with this one realization: it's always what you make of it, and nobody will ever understand your full truth. But what gives? Don't worry your pretty little head.

GOAL: get over 24 hours of sleep this weekend. Hahahah...pretty do-able, I'd say. Also get everything else done. Yeah. Ta-ta!

decisions, decisions

So I think Australia is not going to work out after all.

After all this stress and thought that I put into it, maybe I'm a little thankful to be releasing it? I mean now is not a good time for me to be thinking about much other than the present, because the present is pretty much a giant, tentacled sea monster wrapping itself around me and pulling me into the depths of the ocean. It's just so much more work and research and meetings and questions to answer that I don't want to deal with anymore. Is it really worth it?

Maybe I won't know and maybe I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime (I probably am) but at the moment I'm so, so willing to let it go and focus on the classes that I have right now that I am getting behind on. Seriously thinking about study abroad is so taxing...and I was a little surprised to find that I was relieved to find myself a concrete reason to not do it.

The thing is, if I major in Lit Journ, there are a number of courses that I have to take in a specific order, because they are prerequisites for other required classes. And some of these are only offered once per year so it's already a pretty tightly planned schedule. And since I've only started taking LJ classes this quarter, I would consider myself a little bit late. Going abroad for one quarter would probably push my graduation date further and this isn't something I'm willing to do. Though I'm not 100 percent sure that I'd have to graduate later, I'd rather have a less hectic college experience and be on campus and follow the schedule without having to worry about courses transferring over and stuff like that.

And yes, this is pretty much a post convincing myself that study abroad is not a good option for me. I mean, I've had these wishy-washy thoughts before, but I guess they were always pansy enough for me to quash them and continue researching, telling myself I'm doing myself a huge favor.

It's too much money, too much hassle, too much to think about, etc...Right now I will say that having study abroad off my plate frees up my to-do list quite a bit and gives me time to consider other opportunities that were all banking on study abroad. Maybe I'll regret this after I graduate but HEY, five-year-later-self if you are reading this, YOU ARE STRESSED RIGHT NOW, and seriously don't have the time to do this and you are panicking! Do your best on campus at UCI! Work a lot, save BANK, graduate early, and then go to Australia to frolic however you please!!! And then go to Italy and France too, and Egypt! And all those places you researched when you thought you were going to do study abroad! SERIOUSLY!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!

I guess I do a good job of convincing myself. And though it is with a heavy heart that I put away my Australia pamphlets, I guess I know it's for the best. I'm not strong enough to fight through all these obstacles right now, I hardly have the state of mind to conjugate simple French verbs as it is.

Heave sigh. Onward, ho. This is just the week of getting over things and over things and over things. Somehow, still, I have SO much to think about and do. EFF. And I do realize it was an opportunity to escape -- but what did I expect? That school in Australia would be way more chill than school here? Think again. I need to stop trying to run from the fact that I need to put in work to succeed, no matter how much I dislike it or the environment or whatever. I just need to learn how to suck it up. GOD. I'm such a wimp.

I guess that's the thing with decisions -- I thought it was all about making positive decisions, like YES I'm going to do this, but now I also understand that you have to make decisions to opt out, to know when to say NAY. Oh, bugger. Crikey. But I will end on a cliche -- one door closes and others open! That's how I feel.

crazy, cont.

First off let me state that all technology hates me, for an unknown reason, because all I have ever done is shamelessly love and worship all things techy. Like my laptop for instance. I think the little crumb that was lodged under my 2 key has now migrated to underneath my d; thankfully it works if I press it really hard at just the right angle. THANKFULLY.

Also I just had a half-hour struggle with my laptop not starting when I plug my ethernet in, and the wifi failing in general, and then my laptop did this crazy restore type thing, and it SHOULD have fixed everything, but obviously not, because this KEEPS ON HAPPENING TO ME and I have NO IDEA WHY! Do I have bad tech-karma? I'll treat you better laptop, I promise, just be perfect for me right now, that's all I really ask.

This is a very inconvenient time for my laptop to start malfunctioning because as it stands, I am pretty majorly swamped. Yes it is 12:30 AM and I am blogging to find an outlet for all the stress that I am swimming in right now (yes, Nate, this might be a good time for a massage), when REALLY I should be being productive and reading my Aristotle (too bad it said it's gonna take ONE DAY TO LOAD....) OR even, if I'm a regular person with teachers and technology that are nice and functional, I should be out killing my liver -- people are college-style binge drinking, and I am just college-style pulling my hair out. EVEN THOUGH IT'S WEEK ONE. Usually week one translates into the last week of break.

Not this quarter. This quarter, we are hitting the ground running. No, not running. Sprinting. I am not good at any sort of athletic activity, actual physical activity or metaphorical or otherwise. So this might not be good.

Today was my first Lit Jrn class. It is safe to say that I will be learning a lot, whether I will be learning in tears or with steady drive, only the coming weeks will tell. My teacher is immediately someone I have massive respect for, she's written for a million different things and is very articulate, passionate, and REAL about the course as well as the whole writing industry. Kind of a scary genius. Though yes, it is a little disheartening to be told from day one that this industry is dying and you will probably not succeed, and that your work will be massively critiqued and you will end up failing at one point or another...and just other great, shiny little tidbits like that. Yay realism. No more "GOOD JOB!" stickers, not in this class.

Though I do respect this realistic attitude it was, I guess, kind of a shock. This is the first serious journalism class I've ever taken, but this is obviously not the case for my classmates. Sitting next to them I feel extremely average. They photograph, they started their high school paper, they intern for radical left-wing groups. They know all the cool underground indie bands, they worked in PR with all zee fashionistas, they are applying to law school. They are passionate, focused, articulate, and opinionated. And me? Uh...I should really start reading the news...

We had to do little introductions, the regular, yadayada, and everyone was talking about all their journalism experience and internships and where they want to be in the future and stuff like that.

My turn came and my heart started thumping furiously. WHY IS THAT? I am talking about me, a subject that I have steadily been observing for 18, almost 19, years. I am quite the authority on the subject of me, and yet when I talk about myself, I completely blank and forget my own damn name. I said something about how writing was mostly my hobby ever since I was little and I love it, this is my first lit journ class, I have a blog (NO BIGGIE, SRSLY), um....I had like a thousand xangas in middle school, so YEAH trying to see if this can be a career! My classmates chuckled at the xanga statement so yay, at least I'm not completely socially awkward. Or maybe they laughed out of pity. Who knows, you can never tell with these insane genius writer-gods.

After this 'writing is a hobby want to make it my career' little schpeel my teacher inserted a little fact about how writing should probably still be a hobby cause it's really hard to make a career out of it, etc. OKAY then, peace out, time to major in engineering or biology or something that will actually provide a roof over my head that is not made out of dismantled FedEx boxes and old Campbell soup cans.

Anyway, looking back it wasn't SO bad but maybe the passage of time softens the wounds inflicted by day one of lit journ. I do admire my teacher a lot, and hopefully I will get up the courage to go to office hours and be less intimidated by her/the course in general. She gave us some advice, telling us not to get discouraged (might be too late), and that "intellect without discipline is boring." I quite agree though I must say I think I am lacking in the discipline arena...yep, 12:45 AM, sitting in my rainbow undies listening to Katy Perry, DEF have not read Aristotle yet. Success? I think so.

Thankfully the other class I had today was totally uplifting. Meet my new professor and LOVE OF MY LIFE! He's HILARIOUS. AND SO SMART!! And he dresses really nicely. And SO FUNNY. Did I mention? So, so funny.

The class is Linguistics/Anthropology and I am so ready to dive into this subject matter and go to every single office hours session he holds so I can just listen to him talk and laugh at all his jokes....SIIIIIGH.

The first rule of this class is "be excellent to each other." Yes. He says things like this. He is from Boston and told us to be prepared to hear him talk about Boston (and "draring" and inserting random r's everywhere) at least four times per lecture. Sure enough I heard quite a bit about Boston just from today, but also SWEDEN where he studied furniture designers and the gestures they make! "I'm downplaying it right now cause it's my job...but it's pretty awesome." He also mentioned Avatar...and said things like "bad shits going down" and "um, uh, ah, we, well...expect this level of scholarship from me" and just other great, self-deprecating things like that. Am I gushing? I'm gushing. He also talked about this man-purse and how it's a symbol of great masculinity on this island in Micronesia where he did some research and it was just a giant lol-fest. I can't even explain. I am terribly, terribly excited. He is one of those extremely smart, energetic, and ENGAGING professors, which I absolutely love. I think I've only had one other prof like this.

I only wish I had that class more often, to de-stress me from the crazy that is my life. Two times a week is not enough Keith Murphy for me. Not enough time to distract me from the pile-up of reading and writing and interviewing, and other meetings, and oh you forgot this meeting, and hey wanna hang out? NO CAN'T, GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO AUSTRALIA. Dammit.

I am seriously very, very stressed right now, I do not know what to do. Step by step, perhaps? Blog less, homework more? MMMM somehow this sounds very unappealing...

Sigh. At the end of this day I just feel like I am extraordinarly average without one interesting bone in my body. Hello self, stop thinking you are interesting and smart and good at writing. You are not. You are a baby with SO much to learn about the world. Heave a giant sigh and shoulder this burden. Tomorrow I will wake up and know that this is not exactly the case but for right now...someone just hug me. And be my personal assistant this quarter, please. And maybe give me $15,000, that would be nice.

slow moments

Lately I've taken a liking to the slow moments in life. Weekends are times I especially look forward to, not because of the wild crazy college parties...but because of stupid stuff, like being able to sit in front of my laptop for hours on end without having to worry about wasting time or where I need to be or what I need to get done.

I contradict myself, though, because this morning I woke up at 8:45, then 10:00, then finally 11:30...all three times in a relatively minor panic. First thought was what time is it!? Am I late?! It took me a while to realize there was nothing going on that I would be late for, since it was in fact Saturday morning. But I woke ill at ease and the first thing I did this morning when I got out of bed was make a list of all the things I want to accomplish this weekend.

However this list has not really come close to getting completed. Saturday afternoon unraveled nice and slowly for me, with a lot of time just on the internet doing time-wasting things. Then I made myself a delicious and giant breakfast burrito and watched the Sex and the City movie, which confirms to me my desire to get the hell out of the OC and start experiencing real life.

Maybe I'm starting to feel claustrophobic here. Claustrophobic, misguided, and...taken at face value. I just need to learn how to release my inhibitions.

Anyway, I won't go into detail. But slow moments have become the only things I look forward to on a day to day basis now:
-laying in the park, eating extra buttery popcorn and reading my anthro book, as it got chillier and chillier and people walked around immersed in their busy lives
-coming home and improvising a meal, as I browse through oldies and country and jazz on the radio. And then devouring my meal while reading a book.
-and just the quiet moments before I get to sleep where I just think or write or read.

In the long run I'm looking forward to
-receiving my $100 order from Forever 21. Yes, I broke, late one lonely night, and decided that new clothes would make me happier. I am actually very very excited for this.
-POST COLLEGE LIFE.
-Thanksgiving break, and my NorCal sigh of relief. Fresh breath of air, here I come.

My roommate told me about a park not a mile away, and she mentioned that they have swings there. SWINGS! My one love. I'm desperate to go, but there isn't really anyone that I want to accompany me. Should I brave the potential Irvine rapists and go it alone? Or should I compromise my comfort being by myself for guaranteeing some safety?

I listen to a lot more mellow music lately...and I just want to eat dark chocolate and live in my bed, read Elle magazine and hope that the world just dies chaotically by itself, not bothering me in my humble retreat within my comforter. I'll watch from my pillow, and maybe emerge when the sun comes out.

But that's the other weird thing. Usually I hate rain and cold weather in general. Right now, I'm dying for a sharp wind in my face and I'm asking the skies when they'll water the earth again. I can't wait until I come home. And I really just want to get out of the OC.

Empire State of Mind -- Jay Z

I just need to push myself more and fulfill my own expectations. I just feel like I'm letting things slip through the cracks.

cruise control

Here we are! The end of the week has finally been reached. For the most part I spent it in autopilot -- which I'm sure you guys understand, if not from your own lives, but from my recent blog posts. Yeah, I've been complaining. Or not complaining specifically but wondering and over-thinking too much, as usual, I guess.

Every day felt like the same thing again and again. Maybe it's because I have to wake up at the same time every day, that when I turn and see the clock hands pointing at 8:30 AM every morning, it just feels like some weird deja vu, as if I'm heading into a day that I've already lived through once before.

So it was school, that was routine enough. Work, very routine. Even social functions & friendships are getting strained as everyone starts to divert their attention to their own lives and own interests. It's not necessarily that I'm feeling left behind...maybe just that everyone is so certain of what they want, and I'm a little more susceptible to just floating for a while.

Anyway, I cruise controlled myself through the week and ended up here, this paradise of a Friday afternoon. I'm planning on cleaning/reorganizing my room because...busy weeks = messy rooms, complete with clothes cast aside as they were deemed unworthy outfit choices. I need to plan my weekend and get started on writing a piece for the new U which is due this Sunday. I need to catch up on notes/readings from the week...

This is starting to turn into a to-do list, and I already have too many of those.

Things I am looking forward to:
-football game tonight between 2 frats. (: I'm pretty good friends with one of the frats and they invited me to come out and support. I'm excited -- I miss watching football, as little as I understand it. I miss HIGH SCHOOL and HOMECOMING, sigh sigh sigh.
-JASON MRAZ concert on Saturday! To be honest at this moment I'm not supremely thrilled or anything...but I suppose that's just because I'm in mellowed-out finally-Friday stage. A good nights sleep and a little bit of fun will definitely change that for me.

But yeah lately I've been feeling like a granny. Not wanting to do much, just wanting to get to bed early or have a little ME time. I should seriously start learning how to knit and/or play bridge.

back to reality

I have been home for less than one hour and already I have made five separate lists of things to do before I go back to Irvine. SIGH, back to reality much?

My last night in Singapore I tossed and turned, insomnia-stricken, my mind running wild with tons of things to write about -- the trip, my experiences, observations, resolutions, etc...but now I'm kind of lazy. I just want to sit and be home for a while, vegetate for a bit. Real blog coming tomorrow I guess. I only have a week before I'm back at school sooo...busy days ahead! (:

potential

I used to have it once.

---

Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"

But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.

They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.

It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.

I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.

Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.

"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?

There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.

---

And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?

I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.

If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.

weakness

"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."

This quote has stuck out in my mind ever since the time I stumbled upon it when browsing through Postsecret. (I've probably even written about it here). I've pondered it and thought about it but somehow I still don't know what it means to me. Does it mean that we should relent to the weakness and be absorbed in the misery of being human? Or does it simply mean that some things that make us weak are not actually ailments that should be sought to be cured? Do our weaknesses make us who we are? Or do they change us by forcing us to try to overcome them?

"Some secrets are good...a little shade makes you more interesting."
"Yeah...shadows make someone 3-d."
How true and unfortunate. Fortunate? Depends what the shadows are hiding, I suppose.

I digress. I was writing about weakness. I thought somehow that snippet of a conversation would relate because it does in my mind, but maybe not so much after all.

Anyway. Here I am, possibly at the weakest point ever. I suppose the cycle of engaging myself too much when I know I need rest is paralleled emotionally as well. But first off let's discuss the breakdown. It started off Monday night, and then all of Tuesday I was in bed with a raging fever, imagining I was on my death bed and thinking of all the things I'd regret. I hadn't the strength to get up and beg for medicine until about four hours into my pitiful non-nap. Delirious and awoken from my "near-death" state, I thought I knew what I would do and I had a certain determination. I'm proud of my then-self; but maybe I was only that way because I had an excuse. I could put it off until I got better, at least.

Today I was feeling better. I made it to class, hung out with friends, went to Baja Fresh for a free burrito deal. Towards the end of dinner I started itching...and finding strange bumps on my face. Initially I dismissed them as bug bites but then they started popping up really quickly. I was not in a good state. I guess I was having an allergic reaction, to what, I don't know. But we raced off to Albertsons to pick up some Benadryl, with my heartbeat pounding in my ever-swelling face.

So maybe it's all the acetaminophen and diphenhydramine in my system right now that's making me feel like this. Like what? LIKE SHIT. My body is under attack from within. I feel betrayed.

I hate feeling weak.

I also hate that I am doing nothing to get closer to where I want to be. In any aspect of my life. Why am I holding myself back? I am my own worst enemy.

I wish I wrote these words

Mraz got there first.

A Beautiful Mess

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
and based on your body language and shoddy cursive i've been reading
your style is quite selective
though your mind is rather reckless
well i guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear

cause here we are
here we are

although you are biased, i love your advice
your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
there's no shame in being crazy
depending on how you take these words i'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is a life i've heard
but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
oh, dear
cause here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
we're still here

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess
when the only answer is yes

and through timeless words
and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn
and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern
when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses
and stained our shirts
but it's nice today
oh the wait was so worth it

---

kid cudi speaks:
"worst thing in the world is emotions so i'm sitting here trying to go through the motions"

unreachable

where is everyone! ):

true or false:
all we really want is to feel like we belong.

i miss you guys

sigh of relief

So judging from the varied "IMUNNA DIEEE" tweets that my friends posted, I'm guessing we all pretty much had a hard week. This week was jam packed for me and I am now over the week 1 hump, with two rather sad side effects:
1. Busy schedule = no time for project 365. I neglected it rather shamefully, and I am realllly sad about this. I guess it only really lasted for 60 days? I'll pick it up again later, for sure.
2. My throat is starting to get a little sore, which frightens me. I DO NOT WANT TO BE SICK! ):

Besides that, I have tons of reading to do this weekend. Which I am actually not dreading. In fact, I am kind of excited to pick up my texts! My classes are pretty engaging and interesting so far and I'm happy that I picked classes that actually spark my interest:

Stats & Probability: okay, so this class has a lot of homework and tests but I'm thinking that's gonna keep me on the ball. The reading is pretty easy so far and there's a lot of people in this class with me. By far the best thing about this class is the professor. He reminds me of an old wise turtle cause he talks kind of slow and has some sort of strange (but kind of enjoyable) inflection. The first class he was sick so he sounded like he was drowning in his own phlegm half the time, especially when he said "guh-guh-guhghg-good". He keeps everyone awake in this class with his slow, subtle humor...or actually, I think most of the time everyone is just laughing at how strange he is. Haha. The first class he talked about giraffes and now I'm not sure I know what a giraffe is. Today he talked about letting a die decide the route of your life and now I'm convinced that it will be a fun experiment.

Humanities Core: The lecturer this week is relatively good. What I'm most concerned with is my pregnant discussion leader. First of all, I am a little bit (a lot bit) freaked out by pregnant women, and damn she is PREGNANT. Her belly button is no longer inverted. Every time I look up there I think about how there are actually TWO PEOPLE behind the podium, not just one. So she's due like 8th week of the quarter so she's leaving 6th week I believe. She made a joke about how she might go into labor in the middle of class...nobody laughed. Everyone kind of got tense and looked at each other like "how fast do you think I can drop this discussion??" She tried to smooth over that fail joke but I don't think it worked. She's really nice though, really smart and I feel like she'll be a good discussion leader. Second bad thing about this situation is that once she leaves, my professor (aka HEAD of the whole HumCore dept) is taking over. Just the last three or four weeks...oh yeah, and she's grading my research paper (70% of my grade) and my final (50% of my grade). I'M A LITTLE SCARED.

Atmosphere: This teacher is clueless. She struggles with her powerpoints and all the TAs are super ^___^ Y so they don't really know how to help her either...but it's okay. It's KIND of interesting, so far I've learned about the ozone and water vapor and great things like that. ALSO this guy: TROY HARTMAN. Surfs on air! Because really, we are at the bottom of an ocean of air! Hahaha. SO COOLLLLL. Oh and during the first class she mentioned "Pineapple Express" and EVERYONE perked up. But she didn't mean THAT kind of pineapple express...she meant the warm current of winds from Hawaii! Duh!!!

Urban Studies: Definitely love this class. The teacher is super passionate and pretty much knows EVERYTHING about every city that ever graced the face of this planet. He seriously made the three hour lecture super interesting, he has tons of pictures (that he took himself!) of cities ranging from Machu Pichu to Vienna to Beijing to Mumbai. He's super well-traveled, knowledgeable, approachable, and e's really funny too, and the class feel is just really engaging and interesting. This class is making me consider a major in urban planning or urban studies.

Besides academics, I've been rushing for PAPhi Lil Sis this week. So I went out to all their events just for fun and to meet people and they all turned out to be really cool. I'm a little wary of doing the program and I'm not completely sure I want to be invested in it yet, but we'll see what happens. The rush chair actually JUST called me and told me to come pick up an application at their booth sooo I will see how that goes.

I definitely had my gross grumpy patch on like Wednesday and Thursday. I was in the worst mood ever and every little thing was getting on my nerves but I'm pretty much over that now I think! Life is rainbows and daffodils again. I think it's cause it's Friday and it's sunny. (:

I've been in and out of my room so much this week that it's getting pretty grody...I need to clean and do laundry and catch up on reading and all that goodness.

Random highlights of the week:
-Natalie's phone call on April Fools
-watching Meher get his hair cut via Skype

DAMN spring break feels so long ago. Still missing NorCal hella-effing much but I'm keeping busy here so I won't die of loneliness.

"You rock, don't change."

Okay, I admit that I am probably more hormonal/stressed/exhausted/emotional than I ever thought a human being could possibly be, but I am at a strange place dealing with strange circumstances and feeling strange emotions. I'm not going to go into detail because I really think overall this is going to blow over and I will laugh at this and learn from this and ultimately forget about this, so I won't immortalize it in words on the web.

Anyway, I was having a pretty grumpy day. I went to bed angry and frustrated, woke up angry and frustrated, got more angry and frustrated as I tragically failed my midterm, and pretty much decided that something must be done about the piles of bullshit that I was wading into. So I read a magazine, wore my pajamas all day, watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, listened to emo music, talked to people I actually like, took some tips from Nina Garcia, and reminisced on good ole high school days by reading all my yearbook entries.

Reading all the nice things my homies wrote for me ages ago is so touching! I miss the good times and the chemistry and trust between us all, and I miss people a lot. People who I didn't really think I would miss that much, I do. It'll never be the same way again, I realize, but I think I've made my peace with that. You can't really keep going forward if you're concentrating on the past, cause then you'll just miss out.

Somewhere between Breakfast at Tiffany's and Nina Garcia's Little Black Book I hit upon a goldmine. I keep being disloyal to myself and what I really want, and it frustrates me. Like I think what happened is I pretty much drowned in the day to day drama and I let it get to me too much, such that I forgot about who I am and what really matters to me. I'd like to say that I'm past it all, but truth be told, I'm not. It takes a while for me to get un-grumpy about situations and I know I can't force it anymore. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I need to forget about it!

A lot of people wrote in my yearbook, "Don't change." Things like that. That's hard; people are always changing. Everything changes! It's all transient.

talk

There's too much talk sometimes. Things get tangled up in everyone's different accounts of what happened, different opinions of what went wrong, different perceptions of people and how they act. There's too much talk about people's motives and people's loyalties and how to fix misunderstandings. There is miscommunication and there is lack of communication and even if you do happen to get the right amount of talk in, sometimes it's still wrong. Who's to say if trust in the talk is the best idea? There are just too many things unsaid and then there are things that are said too much. When does it ever strike the right balance? And when and who do you trust, whose talk do you believe?

I wonder if it would be better if we were all mute.

Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you

edit;
Sometimes things aren't said when you know they should be, and sometimes you leave it alone. Sometimes you say things you don't really mean, sometimes you say too much of what you mean, sometimes you over-think, sometimes you don't think enough. Sometimes you speak without thinking and think without speaking.


Humans in general and me in particular need to know when to talk and when to shut up and cut the bullshit.