oh, those summer nights

I need to work at living in the moment
instead of considering the future
and questioning the past.

tetris & a sense of humor

So today when I was (not) studying, I decided that life is like Tetris. It is maybe the most perfect analogy I have ever created, and I congratulate myself on this genius idea.

You see, sometimes things just fit perfectly. And you are rewarded for your skill/action or whatever you did to deserve something falling into place so nicely. Kudos.



More often than not, this is not the case.



Sometimes, you THINK something will fit, BUT IT WON'T! That's your bad, oops. Don't worry, it's fixable.



It just sucks when something better comes along that would have fit. Then you kick yourself in the shins. But again, more pieces are coming so, not to worry!

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Ultimately you die, unless you play tetris until you...actually die. Sad for you.


Sometimes things are just fail. It's okay, try again.

Don't worry guys, contrary to the illustrations, I am actually pretty good at Tetris......ha.

I wonder what my life would look like as a Tetris game. Haha. Am I crazy? Have I been trying to study/not study for too long? Yes, probably to both. Sigh.

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A more substantial portion of this strange blogpost:

A good sense of humor is all you need to get through anything life throws your way.

For instance, the single life can be crazy and very weird. One of my girl friends told me stories about weird guys touching her legs and asking to see her armpits and the such. And we all know the (fail) stories of my car hustler and other...more than friendly endeavors. Haha. Today the girl friend I mentioned texted me about a guy she met twice:

"homeboy went through my underwear drawer. who does that?!"

In response, all I have to ask is, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DEALING WITH? Some boys just surpass any and all boundaries and never fail to put a O_O on my face.

"he brought over two cans of beer...LOL"

...............good. At least it was two...courtesy, perhaps? Or he was really, really thirsty.

"he pulled the shaving line like the other guy. he's like hey you don't have much hair then he touched my leg"

Yeah, there was another guy who did that. HAHA....okay. Can I get some explanations? These situations are just so bizarre.

weakness

"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."

This quote has stuck out in my mind ever since the time I stumbled upon it when browsing through Postsecret. (I've probably even written about it here). I've pondered it and thought about it but somehow I still don't know what it means to me. Does it mean that we should relent to the weakness and be absorbed in the misery of being human? Or does it simply mean that some things that make us weak are not actually ailments that should be sought to be cured? Do our weaknesses make us who we are? Or do they change us by forcing us to try to overcome them?

"Some secrets are good...a little shade makes you more interesting."
"Yeah...shadows make someone 3-d."
How true and unfortunate. Fortunate? Depends what the shadows are hiding, I suppose.

I digress. I was writing about weakness. I thought somehow that snippet of a conversation would relate because it does in my mind, but maybe not so much after all.

Anyway. Here I am, possibly at the weakest point ever. I suppose the cycle of engaging myself too much when I know I need rest is paralleled emotionally as well. But first off let's discuss the breakdown. It started off Monday night, and then all of Tuesday I was in bed with a raging fever, imagining I was on my death bed and thinking of all the things I'd regret. I hadn't the strength to get up and beg for medicine until about four hours into my pitiful non-nap. Delirious and awoken from my "near-death" state, I thought I knew what I would do and I had a certain determination. I'm proud of my then-self; but maybe I was only that way because I had an excuse. I could put it off until I got better, at least.

Today I was feeling better. I made it to class, hung out with friends, went to Baja Fresh for a free burrito deal. Towards the end of dinner I started itching...and finding strange bumps on my face. Initially I dismissed them as bug bites but then they started popping up really quickly. I was not in a good state. I guess I was having an allergic reaction, to what, I don't know. But we raced off to Albertsons to pick up some Benadryl, with my heartbeat pounding in my ever-swelling face.

So maybe it's all the acetaminophen and diphenhydramine in my system right now that's making me feel like this. Like what? LIKE SHIT. My body is under attack from within. I feel betrayed.

I hate feeling weak.

I also hate that I am doing nothing to get closer to where I want to be. In any aspect of my life. Why am I holding myself back? I am my own worst enemy.

alone

"We all need somebody to lean on."
Do we?

I've been a strong proponent/admirer of independence for a very long time. If you can't depend on yourself, then who are you going to depend on? If you can't be happy being a singular self, how can you be happy with someone else? If you can't make it alone, how will you make it at all?

We're not completely alone, however. There are people who trip in and out of our lives, passers by in a personalized journey that you ultimately travel alone. They do bring happiness, they bring security and comfort, they bring a lot of things into your life. But their segment in your life comes to a conclusion soon enough and then they fade, left to be a happy memory. And new people come in to bring happiness/encouragement/intimacy etc. back in. You choose to let them bring that back to you. You pick and choose who comes in and out and what they bring to your door.

So purely alone, but we try so hard to have someone and to surround ourselves with people. Humans are social beings, I accept and embrace that fact, in fact I am living that fact. But I also appreciate and cherish the time when I can be reclusive and utterly alone. My apartment is empty most nights, I enjoy the quiet and the allowances it brings me. Only my light is on and my music is blasting, with no regards of being a bother.

I was not aware that there were people who feared so much what I enjoy.
Just recently I've met people who can't stand being alone. Who are afraid of being alone in their own home, at day or at night, who not only desire the presence of other people close by at all times, but say that they NEED this constant company. It really surprised me. But you come across all kinds of people in life.

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Every day I ask myself what I'm looking for; every day, the answer changes.

direction

The weekend was perfect! But hey, I'm speaking in the past tense and I still have some hours to burn before I can officially whine about it being Monday again. An adventure might be coming around...but for now I'm content with re-capping.

It's nice being around people who are goal-oriented. I was talking to C. about this today when she was here; hanging out with goal-oriented people makes me more goal-oriented. And goals are good: they give me something to direct my crazy energy towards. That's something I have to work on, usually I feel as though my energy gets wasted and I end up sitting around thinking too much and making myself sad or bored.

I'm looking forward to so much now. The rest of the summer, the trip to Asia, being home for small bursts...and then the start of my second year. First year was quite an adventure, but it seemed to lack direction. Next year I want to have things to focus on and goals to achieve. I want to work hard and feel rewarded. Next year I want to feel like I'm taking myself somewhere and making something of myself, instead of just having meaningless daily fun.

Lately my dreams have been telling me to expect disappointment or trouble...not gonna lie, this kind of frightens me because I'm in such a happy-go-lucky place in my life right now. I can't foresee any kind of discontentment on the horizon and I'm afraid that it will sneak up on me.

But I'm not worrying too much. I won't worry my life away! (: