New Years Resolutions

I'M REVIVING THIS!!

(Obligatory)

Although I do agree that New Years Resolutions are generally abruptly forgotten..and those who make them are discouraged from doing so oftentimes, I still insist on upholding this tradition. I’ve done this forever. And I’m constantly making new goals anyway, so this list is just one of many, many, many lists of resolutions.
I’m aiming for practicality and definite, positive change this year.

1. Carry cash.
It’s obnoxious to split checks between a million different cards. It’s obnoxious to have to go to ATMs and break 20’s when paying people back. It’s obnoxious to go to cash-only places and T___T @ yourself/the establishment. It’s obnoxious to swipe your card everywhere you go, check your bank statement the next day, and then cry yourself to sleep. Carrying cash is a quick, easy solution to most of these problems. (Goes hand in hand with the “save money” resolution, which isn’t necessarily on here specifically, but is a constant thought on my mind anyways).

2. Wake up to one alarm.
Have to admit this is going well so far, because I have a 100% success rate so far (shh I know it’s only been 2 days). Plus I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm today, so if anything, that’s like a 150% success rate or something. I don’t know, I don’t do numbers. Anyway, this resolution stems from how irritating it must be for my poor roommate to listen to my (3) alarm(s) go off a million times in the morning, starting from 1 hour prior to when I should actually be out of bed, and recurring in 5-10 minute increments due to that damned snooze button. Damn you, snooze; and sorry, roommate, I promise to change.

3. Eliminate verbal static.
In everyday speech as well as online. Verbal static consists of “um”s, “uh”s, “like”s, “omg”s, etc, which is especially distracting in public speaking situations. Like tours. And meetings. And in class. And always, basically. And online, eliminate excess “LOLOLOLOL”s or “HAHAHAHHAHA”s. This goes hand in hand with my NYR last year, which was to stop saying “lol” if I wasn’t really lol-ing, cause that’s just dishonest, right? Obviously that failed, and I think in 2010 I went from “lol” to “lolololol” which is just going in the opposite direction, really.

4. Elongate my attention span, especially during conversations.

As of right now I seriously think I have ADD, and it’s really detrimental to my friendships when we are having long conversations and I suddenly realize that I have zoned out in the middle of their talking. This happens especially often when I am on the phone. Usually a good indicator of when I’ve stopped paying attention is when a lot of “oh yeahhhh”s come in. “Wait what?”s are popular, too. And honestly, “oh yeahhh” and “wait what?” are synonymous, the only thing that differs is whether or not I’ve realized what you’re saying is important yet. I sound like a terrible person. Seriously. I realize it’s a problem. That’s the first step. And I’m taking the initiative to change this. Hence the resolution.

5. Spend less time with technology.
But let’s be real. I’ll start slow and say log off facebook every once in a while, and stop doing that thing where I refresh my newsfeed to see if anything interesting is happening. Nothing that interesting is happening. Even less interesting is happening in my life if I continue to hit refresh.

—-

Other (life) resolutions that I (and the rest of the world) make every year:
-improve health (fancy way of saying go to the gym, eating healthier, cooking more and eating out less. Farmers market anyone??)
-do better in school (includes: going to class even if it’s raining, establishing relationships with professors outside of class, speak up in class, actually read the books I pay mad bank for)
-meditate (harness the power of my mind and shit, so my default setting will not be anxious rabbit with a million things to remind myself to do. I see meditation as a chill-the-fuck-out pill for your head, which I need)
-seek out unique experiences & people
-you know, be a better person and all that. Develop better relationships with friends so I can get to that level of sitting around doing nothing and being completely comfortable with more people. Hold myself to a higher standard and do not settle for less.

2010 was so good for me. 2011, challenge accepted.

yeah...

Okay, bye.

cobwebs

Hello, blog, haven't seen you in a while. I don't know if anyone is aware of this blog but it's still here, I guess I'll revive it every once in a while.

The main push factor of me logging back into this blog was Kathy's update about how they re-vamped their designs...yeah HAYYY NEW LAYOUT!

Anyway. This summer is pretty fun so far, I haven't been really HOME for a bit, and it's quite nice, really. I miss the familiar faces and I miss my friends but getting into a change of scene is completely appropriate for me right now, and it's making me realize what I really value as important. Goals are changing, as they constantly do, and priorities are further exposing themselves.

But yeah, I just got a text message that drained me of all emotion, so I don't really know how to feel right now. Sometimes you read something and you have to read it over and over because its waves of impact constantly wash over you and knock you off your feet. But sometimes you read something once and then you feel a whole lot of nothing. Not apathy exactly, but if you could feel the phrase "I don't know" then that would be it! BINGO.

The quaint brick houses and hot summer air of the East Coast beckon to me, lure me in, and I'm certain that I'll be here again in the future, hopefully for a longer stay. California I love you, but change is good.

spring goals

Sometimes just talking to people I really trust helps me get my feet back on the ground. Just remembering what great friends I have helps me reorient myself when I feel lost or lonely.

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SPRING QUARTER GOALS:

1. Floss more
2. Go to the gym at least 3-4 times a week
3. Listen to happier music
4. Change my eating habits and eat out less
5. Be more organized and clean
6. Party less, chill more
7. Listen more, talk less
8. Less internet, more me time
9. Stop putting things off
10. Stop always thinking two steps ahead and enjoy the present
11. Read more

I'm hoping for a chill quarter, nice and slow with just enough time to appreciate the good weather and good company. I hope this quarter will be a good one because I have a direction now and I have steps to take to accomplish my goals.

I'm also excited for my schedule. Though it's definitely up for some changes, I'm really excited to see what these courses will offer me. Note the lack of French and Journalism. (:

Anthro 139: improvisation, language, & culture
Anthro 30b: ethnography & anthropological methods
English 28C: realism & romance

And I'm trying to get into a stats class or a computer class so I can officially switch into Social Science and peace out from Humanities forevermore!

Additionally...
-Uni Studies 2 seminar (aka training for being a discussion leader for Fall '10)
-Campus Rep training (so I can be a full-on CR by Fall '10!!!)

WOO! K I'm stressing about all the crap I have to do before I leave for the forest so...peace out

spring break

haaappyyy break

I want to go home! ):

in-between

Today was marked by the moments in between, sun in my eyes and the grass so green. Sandwiched between the last lost hour of class and a little crushed dream, I watched the cloudless sky and a dark bug zip by and I wondered about life, about love, the hows and whys. When do we just know, how do we know, what do we know? And what do we deserve? And how can we see, from the outside looking in, what is a facade and what's genuine? There's nothing like experience and we can only have our own, so here's to you and yours. I just know, some are meant to love and some are not, it's not a basic human right. It's another acceptance process and we can be sad or happy about it but it all boils down to the only changing factor, which is you. The only thing to change is you. Change your mind, your expectations, and change the world around you. Fast forward past rejection and some errands and I'm in my favorite sandwich shop, gazing at the people passing by and wondering, again, why. I'm alone here, me, but there's no where and no one else I'd rather be. So I'll live slowly and recognize that things just happen, or they don't. But that bug in the sun and this sandwich on my my tongue made my day what it happened to be -- perfect for me, just what I need.

---

Oh, today. So I faced rejection today, but to be honest I'm not too disappointed. Congratulations SPOP 2010!

To be honest I didn't really expect to get it; I guess in my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't because I felt that I had taken my share from what I applied for. I got Alternative Spring Break, discussion leader, and Campus Rep. And I'm thrilled about all three, and so excited to be a part of all three. I guess I wanted SPOP to be the cherry on top of my sundae but I can't have it all. Plus I don't really like cherries, anyway.

Like T said, it gives other people an opportunity to grow. My growth is gonna happen in Campus Rep and everything else and I'm so thrilled to be granted those opportunities, so I shan't be greedy. There's always next year and if it wasn't meant to happen this year then it just wasn't.

Not to say I wasn't disappointed, because I was, of course. But at the same time I feel selfish being disappointed because I'm so lucky to have what I have.

Anyway, this was not meant to be a post about how I feel about not getting SPOP.

Today was overall a good day. I think I'm lost in this cloud of apathy just because I've been so sleep-deprived and stressed lately. But from this cloud I managed to pull out a few strands of good moments. I sat in the park for a while and contemplated life and love with M, wandered about campus finding good company, had a spring break meeting, then went grocery shopping (such a luxury) and ate a sandwich at Le Dip by myself. I really liked eating alone, it was just what I needed after a mess of a week.


And. I'm in the works to switch schools in the spring. Pretty sure I'm going to be majoring in Anthropology, HOLLER! I'm happy with this. I'm not enough of a go-getter to succeed at journalism, and though I love writing, I don't think I'm the right personality type to major in it. I could see myself hating it as time wore on with forced assignments and everything. I like the relationship I have with writing now, and I think it's something I can cultivate without the stress of majoring in it. Also I get to let go of French which is a GREAT relief.

I feel in-between in everything. Waiting for the winter to end and on the brink of the spring. Newly initiated, not fully active. Leaving Humanities and entering Social Sciences. Just caught in-between. The awkward lull of anticipation and wondering what it'll be like when I experience it. All I can do is wait. Wait and respect the process and appreciate that everything happens and everything is perfect just the way it is.

thinks i think

I got campus rep today. (: Still a little part of me wonders whether it was completely based on merit or whether it was a matter of knowing the right people. Maybe a combination of both? Hopefully more heavily weighed on merit? Either way, I'm really excited to prove myself and dive headfirst into this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted.

I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!

---

I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.

---

I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.

I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.

But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.

I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.

But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.

But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.

It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.

---

R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?

---

So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.

recap

SO much has happened in the past like...two days. Bullet points necessary.

FRIDAY

-got initiated into Gamma Phi Beta. (: Got letters and everything! HOLLER

-got into a verbal fight with a close-minded, disrespectful, belligerent scumbag, would have gotten physical if people were not in the way. HOLD ME BACK. Investing in ninja stars soon, prease. Seriously so pissed about this.

-instead of hurting said scumbag, I screwed myself over by throwing my phone on the ground and snapping it in two.

-who shows up at 4 am? My favorite CS.

SATURDAY

-cleaned the blood off my roommate's sink

-attempted to get myself another phone, semi-failed. My friend just gave me one and now all I need to do is get to Verizon and...do business.

-hung out with C all day, and barraged her with ANGER (the likes of which have been unseen since senior year). yes. ANGER!!!!!!

-thought that someone stole my favorite hot shoes and got really pissed

-went to Zeta formals! And afterparty. Met someone named Chuck and insisted upon calling him Chuck Norris. Ate shit as I ran to the bathroom in high heels. Ate shit reallllllllll bad.

-got home at 4am and KO'ed

SUNDAY

-somehow woke up at 8:00 with my ghetto alarm clock. Parents day at the GPhi house.

-found out my friend has my shoes

-got a phone from my friend

-now must study until forever

-all I really want to do is sleep

-or punch scumbag in the face (yes still)

sigh. the business. I'm tired.

march alreadyyy?

It scares me when I think about how harshly people can judge each other. Sometimes I meet someone and imagine all the criticism they could throw my way, and I don't know why I think like this. I guess lately I've just found out that not everyone is as "nice" as I idealize them to be in my head, so when I meet some strangers I get a little intimidated.

Honestly, there's so much emphasis on being good-looking here that I hardly even know what it looks like anymore. Everyone is so under the microscope at all times that it's hard to find "beauty" in the unique and natural. Everything can get so cookie-cutter.

I went to my formal last Friday and looking at pictures, I get a little weirded out. I think I look too done up. Big curly hair and fake eyelashes and all this business...I think I like my hair straight and less makeup. I look like a doll. It makes me a little uncomfortable. Some people look like this every day, I don't know how they do it! I look at those pictures and I'm a little confused at who that girl is.

Also, I need to stop being such a people pleaser. I thought about this for a while and I realized that I tend to just go with the flow and do whatever everyone else wants to do. I mean, in certain situations. When it comes to being friends with people I'm pretty easy, I would say, and not very quick to judge. It's kind of a pet peeve of mine when friends interrupt my slow get-to-know process by presenting their ideas of a person to me.

I don't know. When it comes to judgments, I really wish American society had more of a Kahluli perspective on things. Learned about this in Anthro a couple weeks back. Basically the Kahluli mindset is that you can't make assumptions about people, because you just don't know their story. How did they end up with this ideology? And how did "we" end up with ours?

I just registered for classes this morning and it was pretty breezy! I'm taking French (bane of my existence), a lit journ class, an anthro class (with my fave professor) and a discussion that will teach me to be the best discussion leader for the freshmen next Fall. EXCITING. (: It looks like it will be a fun quarter and I left myself enough time to really excel in school, make some moneys, and grow in different directions. Hopefully I'll find myself more involved and invested in the things I've joined, as well.

That's about it...Olympics are over. ): Watching figure skating was simultaneously a slap in the face and the most uplifting experience in a while. I miss you. And I wish Mirai got third. Oh well, 2014 awaits!

happy _______

It seems like everyone is either totally opposed to V-day or totally celebrating. Like people’s status updates are either mopey about being single or lovey dovey, up on their SO’s nuts. Either they have extravagant, adorable plans to parade their cuteness in the candlelight or are staging “singles revolt type things”. (Sorry to pick on you, N.) Personally I really dgaf either way, it is what it is. If you need a day to be all heppy and do cute things for someone you especially like then today is the day for you! And if you need a day to gripe and whine and eat ice cream like the apocalypse is coming and calories come with no consequences then, again, go for it! Today is your day, too! Just when those without valentines are assumed to be glum on the 14th of February…it’s kind of a whuddafuck. Is society really telling us that we can only be happy if we have someone “special” in our lives? Should we REALLY be made to feel bad about being single? Stop looking for valentines, y’all. Be your own valentine.

Today my valentine is NorCal. Roses are red, violets are blue, yadayadayada, NorCal I love you. Yesterday I hung out at Donut Wheel with some homies and just sat and chatted. Something so chill and comfortable about being home, there’s no assumptions or presumptions and you just are who you are and nobody really gives a second shit. I love being home also because my parents take me out to eat the really delicious foods. Also because the stars are always nicer from here. And the guy who sells us donuts hates us as much as ever, too. It’s nice to be back.

I just don’t really care that much about today, it’s nothing really special to me. It didn’t even occur to me that today was the day to celebrate love and pink things between “intimate companions.” Congratulations if you are half of a duo! Congratulations if you are not! V-day should just be a day to eat chocolate and say haaaay to the people you like best. Though I’ve only done the former so far.

Anywho, I WOULD like to say happy lunar new year! Gong hay fat choy, send red packets my way! Hahaha I kid, I never really got much moneys from this holiday and I’ve never been one to complain. Tis the year of the tiger, which means my cousin is 12 years old. HOOOLY, time does fly. And tigers are charismatic and courageous and brave and such, so here’s to a year of tigerlicious times.

interviews & results

So the week is finally over! And I left my fourth and final interview in a hurry, not because of the rain, not even because of the wet socks (okay maybe a little bit because of the wet socks) but MOSTLY because I wanted to blog about how awkward interviews are!

Okay, maybe it’s not that they’re AWKWARD. They’re just unnatural. And isn’t that a little bit awkward? I tend to leave interviews in a little bit of a flurry of emotion. On the one hand, I like being asked questions about myself because I do tend to self-reflect a lot, and it’s fun to communicate innermost thoughts and workings of my mind to someone who is basically a complete stranger. Once long ago I’d try to shape my words into something more pleasant to their ears but now, I’ve become more comfortable with sharing my thoughts AS my thoughts. Make sense? Just being myself more, not trying so damn hard all the time.

On the other hand, though, I also leave interviews quite frustrated. Looking back I say, oh, I could have said something else here. Or elaborated on this point. Etc. There’s no point in lingering but what DOES bother me is the whole set up of an interview. Question and answer.

In Anthro we learned about a form of communication that is called initiation/response/evaluation, which is basically ask a question, get an answer, and then proceed from there. In conversation, the evaluation segment would be elaboration on that topic and divulging anecdotes and such. However in the interview setting evaluation is literally just that — evaluation on paper, filling in little boxes, taking note of what you just said. Uncomfortable? A little.

Anyhow, interviews aren’t meant to be conversations. They’re called interviews for a reason I guess, viewing between several people? But generally it’s NOT “between”, it’s more “directed at” someone…which is something I am not a fan of. Here I am, but where are you? Questions and answers on one way streets with almost no switchover.

I digress. What frustrates me is…well, just how am I supposed to share all the knowledge and experiences I’ve acquired in the 18+ years that I’ve been living and breathing and learning? Pack it into a well-worded short verbal paragraph and hurl it onto that piece of paper, being written on by entirely foreign fingers. How can I share the experiences that have molded me into the person that I am, the changes I’ve undergone and every step into the reason why I am how I am, and how can I form this into a statement that ultimately answers WHY I am qualified for this position? How can I get them to KNOW me and understand what I’m passionate about, and what I think about, and all this stuff? Interviews are merely an introduction but I’d rather get them to skip to the middle of this story.

Tough cookies! Going into the interview I was nervous because I knew it was something that I really wanted. In the interview I was less nervous because that’s usually how it is. Anticipation brings nerves but when you’re finally not sitting around doing nothing about it, it’s not half bad.

Before, I sat at the pub with friends and got myself into interview mode. I guess I had the jitters but I got some good laughs and it was a nice comfortable crowd to send me away into the waiting arms of the interview. Anyway I said before I left, “I am just the same as everyone else.”

Someone said, don’t think that way. But I can’t see why not. This way we’re all on equal ground. There’s no hierarchy. After the interview, sure we’ll be “ranked” differently, but right now we’ve all got the same thing. Names on paper, and we’re all just as interesting and involved and engaging as the next person. I am just the same as everyone else because we are all human and we have all been experiencing life and taking from it and applying it to ourselves. The only way we differ is how we’ve rebounded from the jabs that life throws us. Essentially though, we are all the same. We’re just people.

I can see how it can be taken negatively but I said it with no sense of self-pity or self-consciousness. I take that statement as a reminder that we’re all going through experiences and changing on a day to day. I take that as a reminder that when you take away these false labels and intricate cover-ups we’re all built the same.

Someone I interviewed last week said something along those lines…he said he was just like everyone else, so it wasn’t a big deal. I think it’s when we start drawing lines and saying oh I’m more qualified, or oh I’m more popular, or I’m smarter…that’s when we trip ourselves up and stop being ourselves. It raises the stakes and turns it into a competition, when it’s really not. Just do your thing and be happy doing it! Real talk! When you’re just like everyone else it’s easier to not be like everyone else and be more you. If that makes any sense at all. Which it doesn’t, but it does to me. I’ll think about this more I guess.

ANYWAY, the week is over and I am off to celebrate this gray Friday in a yellow car because screw you raindrops, you shall not dampen my mood! (: Lately I’ve been riding a wave of good humor or contentment…so I’m going to go buy something pretty to seal the deal. Busy weekend ahead!

IN OTHER NEWS....I finally heard back from Alternative Spring Break and I am SUPER excited to be a participant at the San Bernardino National Forest this coming break!!!!! AAAAH!!!! (:

my hands smell like oranges

And oranges smell like Vitamin C.
Vitamin C, in turn, smells like "uh oh, Chery's getting sick."

Sitting in the VDC undergraduate lounge yet again, sitting on my foot, thinking about the foods I eat and how I could write a twenty-five minute long paper about this, in French, in 13 hours.

Me: I just want to blog.
J: You would.

So I finished my orange and blogged. I want to blog and I have been wanting to. therefore I need to, in a way. Before these words get backed up and I have to call a plumber, or before they shoot out of my fingertips like bullets from a loaded gun.

I recently found out that I'm not the only person in this wide universe who uses the "drafts" function in their cellular to keep track of running thoughts and creative strings of words. In his case he wrote a couple of stanzas of spoken word poetry, in my case I listed things I want(ed) to blog about. He read me his poem and I wondered if I could do this, like he said, just a thought. But I don't have time right now, what I have time for is to attend to the list on draft #35 of my cellular phone.

Right now though, my thoughts circle around Alternative Spring Break. It's a program that sends you to a particular destination, and so, instead of going home for spring break, you are sent there under a specific topic headline and you are given the task of learning more about that topic and giving back to your community in some way. The destination I seek is the San Bernardino National Forest, my topic headline being 'Giving Back to the National Forests.'

Hello, National Forests. I would like to be more near you.

My interview was this morning; I showed up early though my sinuses were clogged and I can only imagine that I sounded like some over-exaggerated germ-infested cartoon character. But I did my best. I talked with them, told them about myself (which I am remarkably terrible at doing), discussed what I consider my greatest achievement, all the usual interview questions. I'm not great at interviews. I know this.

After the formal interview was over, we talked about the different programs. The intern organizing the National Forests project was present and we discussed camping and being outdoors. It brought me back to all those hiking trips back in the day, with Girl Scouts or with my family or friends. And Marin Headlands in elementary school, Yosemite in 8th grade, even the camping trip I went on just last summer. The 2nd place Nature Award I got at Camporee...the late nights rubbing your toes together inside three pairs of socks because they still feel like ice. Building fires from scratch, trekking through switchback after switchback til we reach that glorious view, finding banana slugs to kiss. Grilling chicken and staring at our dust-decorated sneakers, everyone focusing in on one another and forgetting that such a thing called "wifi" and "Verizon Wireless" even exist. It's a whole nother planet.

Then it hit me just how much I want this experience. The intern said that one of her fears was how well everyone would get along, thirteen complete strangers in the wilderness, in unfamiliar conditions? It could be a recipe for disaster.

My mind flew to Grey's Anatomy and Meredith saying, "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."

And I thought, when she expressed those fears, how I could quell them. I feel like I could do this. This isn't another answer to the "why are you a great candidate" question, but then again, maybe it is.

I want this. Strangers sound so appealing. One week of ultimate bonding sounds so appealing. One week of being outdoors, of being far away, of giving back, sounds like the ultimate retreat for me, the best vacation possible.

I want this, badly. And the second that I realized just how much I wanted it, another emotion squeezed a spot open next to that desire. And that emotion was fear. Tangible fear that stepped on the toes of my plump desire and said "scoot over, exist less, so if you don't get this, your heart won't break."

I find out next Friday. Thankfully life is busy enough that I won't spend every waking minute thinking about how great of an opportunity this could be.

it's fight club

I pretty much had the best emo playlist of songs running alllll day today, LAME! It sucks though cause I love singing along, cause I know all the words, and I can pretend like I understand what they're saying. Time together isn't ever quite enoughhhh blah blah blah. It's bogus though, I'm tellin ya.

Anyway. You know how sometimes you keep punching a wall, and then steadily your body builds defenses and calluses itself against the certain pain you'd feel? Until some time you just stop noticing that pain should be present and then you realize, job well done, defenses up, no more bleeding. Then you wonder where it is and stop yourself and say hey -- it's so much more fun NOT feeling like shit!

Like when I ice skated breaking in new skates was always a bitch and a half. Bleeding toes and blistered ankles, SO cute, but sooner or later your skin builds up a higher tolerance in all those spots that rub you sore. I know the exact spots where the backs of my ankles are callused in a spot the size of a pencil eraser, because last summer when I put my skates back on, those old calluses had disappeared and sure enough when I took off my skates they were bleeding on my tights. Getting yourself into your old rhythm and doing something that was once so easy is really tough, you don't really notice all the little sore spots until all of a sudden you do.

Ok I'm gonna stop talking about feet. What I'm saying is, sometimes, you train yourself emotionally like this, too. Sometimes you know what to expect and save yourself future insecurity; then when it all goes according to plan you can congratulate yourself and just keep on moving. There's not enough time to decipher how you feel, moving is living and it's a one-way street. Basically you just hold your breath and let everything fly out the window, dive in and smile. There is no time for 'what if'!! We are flying high speed, pedal to the metal, towards our own death and REALLY there is not enough time for all the what ifs in the world!

This morning I woke up feeling like P.Diddy. No, I kid. HAHA. But really I didn't really feel anything. I'm so apathetic. At first I was worried and was like, hey, maybe I should force myself into overdrive and over think and like feel like a sad little girl and nitpick and mope about all my flaws and shortcomings etcetera...which I am TOTALLY capable of, but NO! TODAY was day of Dim Sum and girl bonding and SHOPPING and writing my essay, bleh. But today was so good. (:

I don't have the capacity for emotion right now, I don't think. Robot life? I don't know, one of these days, sooner or later, somethings gonna whip me into shape and remind me I'm a normal person and normal people deal with feelings... till then I guess it's the same old, see, the constellations in the sky will always leave me high and dry.

OH but today I was almost close to tears (I think) when I talked to my parents on the phone. My internet situation is soo not happening right now, and they told me they'd get me a wifi router and send it, but it's been three weeks and still no wifi. So I talked to them and they said "oh we thought since you didn't call you didn't need it anymore." UH, HELLOOO? They had said since week ONE that they'd look for one and send one ASAP. And they ALWAYS lag like this. Like not buying me a bed either. GRRR. But yeah that was pretty much the emotional climax of my day, what was yours?

oops

So I didn't sleep like I should've, or do homework, or even clean my room....

but I have the rest of the weekend for that! RIGHT?

SIGH someone straight-jacket me. No more bad business. MUST WRITE MY ESSAY.

Ice skating at 6pm tonight and going to dim sum in a couple minutes, which I am WAY too excited for. (:

emotional calluses, anyone? SUPER attractive.

anyway...

last night was party hopping night with one of my favorite party-ers. Quite the fun!

AND PS. I absolutely LOVE my roommate. And DIM SUM!

locked inside that house

So for such a short week of school, it dragged on for what felt like an eternity! Maybe it was the crazy weather, I'm pretty sure I've done enough bitching about wet socks to last...another eternity.

Irvine got exciting for a while, what with all these strong winds and downpours and thunder and lightning shows! Then yesterday some guy was strolling around the Student Center buck naked and got arrested apparently. WILD TIMES.

Anyway, I kind of hope the rain continues this weekend, just so I can feel justified when I sit on the couch for hours on end watching movies and Sex & the City and ICE SKATING!!! Plus it'll be nice to just sit indoors and KNOW you won't have to go out and brave the wilderness to go to class. So my 2010 goal was to not ditch class and this week I ditched 2 because I was not devoted enough to get drenched for my classes. I know, I knowww... education>weather. Also I fell asleep in my anthro class with my cute/funny professor and I am SO, SO sad, so I have resolved to get more sleep, and thus fall asleep in his class never ever again.

Another nice thing, I think, will be to be relatively alone this weekend. I tumblr-ed about this earlier this week I think but I do really enjoy my ME TIME! And I think I over-socialized myself without getting some stuff done that I really need to do, ie clean my room, because I seriously have about four square feet of open floor space at the moment. Grand, I know. So yeah, time to dig away into my little hidey-hole.

PLUS, I bought this Thai sauce from Trader Joe's that I am dying to try out. OOH. I should probably go defrost some chicken breasts right nowww. MMMM 6:

I feel like an elitist sometimes...or just supremely detached. Someone said TFC? I hope to GOD I don't come off as that but, as someone else said, usually I'm just caught up in my own world with relatively little regard for the rest of the goings-on of the world. Isn't everyone like that though? I don't know how to further explain this. This blog was unsubstantial BUT I shall leave with this one realization: it's always what you make of it, and nobody will ever understand your full truth. But what gives? Don't worry your pretty little head.

GOAL: get over 24 hours of sleep this weekend. Hahahah...pretty do-able, I'd say. Also get everything else done. Yeah. Ta-ta!

death by post-script

"Can you see me after class?"

Six simple words, an easy request. But sitting in my Lit Journ class, reading those words on the bottom of the last assignment I handed in...those words were six jabs at my morale and any ego I possess in that class.

I legitimately thought I was going to die. My blood vessels were constricting and I felt deprived of oxygen. My head started hurting and I almost wanted to hurl on the girl in front of me.

My mind started working furiously. What could be wrong with it? Maybe I should just tell her this isn't my scene. I'll get her to sympathize with me and say that I'm still trying to get my floaties on before I swim in the big girl pool. Or I'll just switch majors completely. I mean, I love Anthropology. My counselor takes drop-in sessions right? I'll just switch majors. My Anthro prof spent time abroad in Sweden and Micronesia and that is WAY, WAY cooler than being some damn journalist. I'm not cut out for this and I know it! Don't kid yourself girl!

For one and a half hours I dramatically imagined the end of my little stint in litjourn and the process of switching over to anthro, which is, what seems to me, a much more do-able major.

But at the end of the class I sucked it up and talked to her and it was NO BIGGIE at ALL. She just wanted me to specify some more dates, next time...

"Sorry for the ominous-sounding note!"

"Oh no, haha..not at all..."

It's not like I killed myself over the anticipation of it. It's not like I thought that my skin would be hanging from your wall as evidence of another LJ student who would not cut it.

HEAVE SIGH.

After getting my sense of self back together and figuratively slapping myself in the face I have decided that yes, I am still sticking with LJ, though I DO need to learn to grow up and stop being such a little bitch.

I'm not as critical and over-analytical as some people are, I'm not as quick to judgment and I'm not as opinionated. I'm more rose-colored glasses when it comes to certain things and I'm more accepting of human accounts of events and humans in general. Does this mean I won't succeed?

And does the fact that I randomly find stringing words together enjoyable mean that I'm cut out for literary journalism?

No to both, I guess...well that's what I hope, all we can do is sit around and wait I guess.

What DID boost my faith was my English teacher emailed and asked to use my essay draft as an example for the rest of the class, cause it was "excellent". YEAH, WHAT UP.

Anyway. I realize the reason why I overreacted so crazily was because it's important to me. Somehow. Somehow it matters to me whether or not I can be good at this. Weird, huh?

why worry

I thought I'd spend the weekend hiding away and catching up on lost time -- I borrowed a book I've been meaning to read, left myself a mess in my room that I need to attend to, and even planned out a schedule of television that I can not miss (ice skating, YES!) and homework assignments that need to be taken care of.

However nothing really goes according to plan, and the book is untouched, my room is still just as (or even more) messy as it was before I embarked on this three-day-weekend vacation, and...well, I succeeded in watching ice skating. Though I can't really say the same about my homework. But I AM super thrilled about upcoming skating events and I wishwishwishhh I could go skating right about now.

I will say that this weekend was quite well spent though. In good company, certainly, and now I sit on the departing end of it, as though I'm waiting for a flight back to reality and school and the work I must catch up. The rain causes a delay though and my flight isn't taking off anytime soon...I may regret this in the coming week but something about the rain just makes me want to sit and listen and think.

With good reason, because somehow I managed to ignore my previous plans to stay home and veg out. Instead I found myself in different social settings on three different nights, wondering why I always find a way to leave home when I'm already quite satisfied in my pajama-state. It's this missing out type thing -- what if it really is epic and I missed it because I stayed in? What if I'm missing out on my youth, the only time when I can do stupid things like this? What if there's some fantastic person out there and our paths won't align because I chose to watch The Secret Life of Bees instead?

I have to say, nothing really spectacular happened and although I had fun, I think I would've been just as happy staying home. But that's me I guess... afraid to miss out. On what, I don't really know...but something I learned is that I am just very accepting of people in general and random life roads. I'm not really a fighter when it comes to certain things...many things...maybe I'm taking the easy way out or maybe I'm just built to drift along on whatever whim occurs to me first. Sometimes I'm too accepting and too adjusted to situations that normal people would fight for... and I just let things slide because it's like hey, that's whats happening now.

I don't know. All I know is that every single thing we do is determining the next single thing that we do and so on and so on in this endless chain, until suddenly one thing that we do causes the end of all things that we do. Sometimes I wish that all our lives were structured differently and that society were structured differently so that we could drift about and make ourselves happy without having to live with fear of loneliness or poverty or hunger. Life would be so much better if we all knew what we wanted and if we all had the means to just do that without being held back by these responsibilities that were somehow thrust upon us by this meaningless society that tells us we need to grow up and we need to find love and we need to be successful, etc etc. If I could do ANYTHING in the world I would travel and find companions, though they would change with the scenery, and see everything there is to see and just talk to people and live and not even have a home base. That's kind of a happy thought and if everyone did that, how much happier would we be?

My train of thought is running wild like the wind. I really need to get back to reality. Two more hours and I'll be initiated into a sorority, embarking upon this next adventure. I keep telling myself -- live in the now, stop overthinking, why worry? Life is just what you want it to be.

decisions, decisions

So I think Australia is not going to work out after all.

After all this stress and thought that I put into it, maybe I'm a little thankful to be releasing it? I mean now is not a good time for me to be thinking about much other than the present, because the present is pretty much a giant, tentacled sea monster wrapping itself around me and pulling me into the depths of the ocean. It's just so much more work and research and meetings and questions to answer that I don't want to deal with anymore. Is it really worth it?

Maybe I won't know and maybe I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime (I probably am) but at the moment I'm so, so willing to let it go and focus on the classes that I have right now that I am getting behind on. Seriously thinking about study abroad is so taxing...and I was a little surprised to find that I was relieved to find myself a concrete reason to not do it.

The thing is, if I major in Lit Journ, there are a number of courses that I have to take in a specific order, because they are prerequisites for other required classes. And some of these are only offered once per year so it's already a pretty tightly planned schedule. And since I've only started taking LJ classes this quarter, I would consider myself a little bit late. Going abroad for one quarter would probably push my graduation date further and this isn't something I'm willing to do. Though I'm not 100 percent sure that I'd have to graduate later, I'd rather have a less hectic college experience and be on campus and follow the schedule without having to worry about courses transferring over and stuff like that.

And yes, this is pretty much a post convincing myself that study abroad is not a good option for me. I mean, I've had these wishy-washy thoughts before, but I guess they were always pansy enough for me to quash them and continue researching, telling myself I'm doing myself a huge favor.

It's too much money, too much hassle, too much to think about, etc...Right now I will say that having study abroad off my plate frees up my to-do list quite a bit and gives me time to consider other opportunities that were all banking on study abroad. Maybe I'll regret this after I graduate but HEY, five-year-later-self if you are reading this, YOU ARE STRESSED RIGHT NOW, and seriously don't have the time to do this and you are panicking! Do your best on campus at UCI! Work a lot, save BANK, graduate early, and then go to Australia to frolic however you please!!! And then go to Italy and France too, and Egypt! And all those places you researched when you thought you were going to do study abroad! SERIOUSLY!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!

I guess I do a good job of convincing myself. And though it is with a heavy heart that I put away my Australia pamphlets, I guess I know it's for the best. I'm not strong enough to fight through all these obstacles right now, I hardly have the state of mind to conjugate simple French verbs as it is.

Heave sigh. Onward, ho. This is just the week of getting over things and over things and over things. Somehow, still, I have SO much to think about and do. EFF. And I do realize it was an opportunity to escape -- but what did I expect? That school in Australia would be way more chill than school here? Think again. I need to stop trying to run from the fact that I need to put in work to succeed, no matter how much I dislike it or the environment or whatever. I just need to learn how to suck it up. GOD. I'm such a wimp.

I guess that's the thing with decisions -- I thought it was all about making positive decisions, like YES I'm going to do this, but now I also understand that you have to make decisions to opt out, to know when to say NAY. Oh, bugger. Crikey. But I will end on a cliche -- one door closes and others open! That's how I feel.

pajama time

So the week can't have been THAT bad if I have the freedom to stay in my pajamas until 8:45 pm on Sunday. It can't be THAT busy if I watched the ending of the Wedding Planner and Harry Potter (GOF) whilst eating quesadillas and deviled eggs.

Can I just say a couple things:

-somehow, I really, REALLY suck at hard-boiling eggs. Whatever can go wrong when boiling an egg WILL go wrong if you ask me to boil an egg. It's really not that hard, but for some reason I am completely incompetent.

-BUT, I am very good at making quesadillas, even when highly intoxicated. I impress myself. And also burn my tongue.

-Michael Gambon as Dumbledore pisses me off so much. I wanted to throw a (raw) egg at the TV.

-I locked my door last night, another instance of PARANOIA? It's always so, so strange when I wake up after a night of debauchery and find that I've locked my door. Good instincts, self, but it makes me wonder.

-Watched ice skating on TV and OMG, WANTTTT. ):

I have been on the same page of Euripedes for the past 4 hours, thanks to the interference of the cheesy lines of JLo & Matt McConaughey (how the eff do you spell that) and the painful acting of our very own Harry Potter. AUGHhHhhh my SCARRrrr. BOO YOU, WIZARD BOY. ACT BETTER.

Also I've finally gotten around to learning the difference between "ie" and "eg", I realize I have been mis-using both on several occasions and will do everything in my power to stop from this moment on. For the record, "ie" stands for "id est" in Latin and means "that is" so it should be used for specifying, whereas "eg" is for providing an example, "exempli gratia" or "for the sake of providing an example."

Anyway. Lately, I have been wondering about people. I mean, what makes some people so much more interesting than others? You know what I'm saying? There are those token people who know SO much about some things and are articulate and passionate about their interests, and are able to spread the wealth in this way. You can TELL that they're smart and gonna get somewhere. Then there are some people who are less so, not saying they're not as interesting or intellectual or whatever but it just takes a little more digging to find the 3D in them. Does this have to do with our childhoods or something? Why are some people so much more...accessible at a surface level than others? Curious.

A point I stumbled upon during a late night (lost) drive: security with self comes from knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Agree? Disagree?

As far as I know...well. I'm certain that I know my weaknesses and strengths for the most part, but discoveries continue to be made. Hard-boiling eggs, for instance: weakness. There you go. I guess for a long time in my life I expected myself to be good at everything and considered it a personal failure when/if I did not perform as well as I had imagined. Slowly I am learning to accept my ridiculous flaws and understanding that that makes me who I am. Knowing your weak points is always good, sometimes because it gives you something to work on...but also sometimes because you know that's just how you are and ain't nothin gonna change it.

Like I mentioned earlier I watched ice skating today on TV. There was a little mini interview with Elvis Stojko and he was talking about how he took a break for a couple years and went biking and traveling and came out with a CD (!?!?) and then stepped back on the ice and felt...refreshed. Like it was day one and he was in love with being on the ice again, and everything was new and fantastic. ELVIS STOJKO YOU PARALLEL MY LIFE.

Sad because I left my skates in NorCal.

goodbye optimism

OH MY GOD, I just had the most stressful two hours of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me but I really, really can NOT approach strangers. It puts me so outside of my comfort zone and makes me perspire unattractively and get all tense and nervous and seriously today, I felt like I was gonna hurl not once but TWICE! Once in French for unknown reasons and once after overthinking and feeling weird and judged and creepy and blEHHEhhh.

So my Lit Jrn teacher assigned us a "stranger interview" in which we have to find a random stranger and ask them about their life, get a couple of key points and moments that stand out to them.

I sat in Panera with my friend for 1.5 hours eying potential interviewees and chewing on my straw. No success there, I just got even more tangled up in this frustration and lack of self-confidence type deal that is attacking me like the FLU right now. Seriously, I need a prescription for this disease because I (think I am) better than this. Usually. Sometimes. Under the right circumstances.

Right now is just SO NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm okay talking to random people about things like shampoo and cookies, cause that's like common ground. But right off the bat asking an utter stranger for an interview? Not my cup of tea. And add in that I have to DIG and ask them about personal details of their life and ask for contact info and stuff like that for absolutely NO REASON AT ALL...it is just overwhelming and pointless and I am really just not good at this. I don't even see the point! Really.

Then we went to Target and I tried to interview this one guy and he totally shot me down. I take all rejections somewhat personally, that is just how I am, so yes, right now my tiny ego could probably balance on the head of a pin.

Top it all off with the fact that some douche biker hit my friend's car while we were in it and then proceeded to flip us off twice. TWICE. WHYYY. WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU? And yes, again, I am taking this a little personally, because it was just so incredibly rude! WHO DOES THAT!?

Okay. Logical side of me (which is still here, somehow, though quite diminished) tells me that this is all bogus and I am just being crazy. Snap out of it, get a tougher skin if you're ever going to succeed in the sharktank of life. Especially if you're gonna be a journalist.

DO I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS ANYWAY?! OH LAWD.

Um, good news good news......just so this blog isn't a veritable breeding ground for bad moods and grouchy thoughts...

-my check that UCI lost should be coming for me within the next two days

-I bought new eyeliner...if this bad mood continues I am going to be very veryyy poor...

THAT'S IT. How am I supposed to finish this assignment? Should I just binge-eat myself into a lull and then just choke on a pecan or something and then die fat and lonely and without having even completed ONE homework assignment successfully? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm making really good salad for dinner. REALLY, REALLY GOOD SALAD.