merry christmas

Merry Christmas friends! (:

Someone asked me today: what did you want for Christmas?

I couldn't really think of anything off the top of my head; most of the things that I want cost a lot of money and are things that I want to work towards and save for myself (slr, France $$, snowboard). Other things that I want are things that have to be earned as well, things like the capacity for caring more about things, the ability to be happy with what I have, the ability to appreciate and share that appreciation.

So I told him that. His response? Wow, you've changed.

On the contrary I think I've always wanted those things, maybe I just never voiced them clearly enough. I guess getting absorbed into materialism and the consumer culture is easier than remembering what really matters in life...but then what REALLY matters anyway?

I think what matters now is improving relationships with people and remembering that people are around to make you laugh and to pull you out of ruts. What matters is...that in the future I keep remembering to be a good person, to remember what values I cherish most, to remember who I am past all these surface-type labels.

This is turning into a new-years-resolution type post and TRUST ME I'm already prepared for that one, so I'll stop now. I don't even know why I'm blogging. It's Christmas, I just decorated 25 cupcakes, overloaded on sugar, I have a kitchen to clean, I'm sleepy...Off to snoozeland I go. Must wake up early for matinee showing of Sherlock Holmes, love being Asian.

P.S. Christmas isn't about WANTING. Every day that we live is about wanting.

break-induced crazy

When someone says, "I have a feeling you'll like this" or some other statement that indicates the fact that they THINK they know you well enough to judge whether or not you will enjoy the next tidbit that they present to you, doesn't that kinda sorta force you into a little corner and make you a little more prone to actually liking it? Or pretending to like it, at least?

I mean, you can't really say, "This is kinda lame. I can't believe you thought I'd like this." Cause what they pick for you to like is kind of their perception of who you are, so in a way, I guess they're testing how close they got to the bulls-eye.

The best I can muster up is a "aw yeah! This is funny." Or something like that. Just bear with them for the moment, realize how much they fail at knowing you, work on letting them get to know you better, and then never talk about that one failed tidbit ever again. Life goes on.

I'm always totally insecure about picking things for people. "You know what I like" -- this statement sometimes scares the bejeezus out of me, unless I do know that I know what they like. It comes off as a kind of test to me, like, "hey we've been friends this long, if you forgot that I totally hate peanuts then why the eff are you still hanging out with me" type thing.

Another thing -- I used to take these online personality test things a lot, just for fun, just to kill time. I think I liked having myself simply laid out by a few general statements, just because it was something I could put a finger on and be like, "ah! Yes, I do agree, this statement often pertains to the way that I behave in everyday life."

Somewhere though, did I get too used to being told how I am? Did I get too accustomed to relying on outside sources to share some insight on how I myself behave? Shouldn't it just be me figuring this stuff out? Maybe I'm too stuck in my own head to actually see myself for whoever I am. But then again maybe I'm also very interested in how others see me, and maybe that's how I define myself (???) but I'm always really interested to hear about peoples' first impressions of me and how they JUDGE me, etc.

Anyway, one random day on the Internet I found this name analysis type deal. I got linked from Jason Mraz' blog, yes I read his blog, no I am not some infatuated little fangirl, I just think he has some nice insights every once in a while when he's not too busy trying to convert everyone into hippie love machines striking downward facing dog poses.

The verdict:

* The name Chery gives you a strongly independent and highly creative nature, with drive and ambition to have experiences and accomplish things out of the ordinary.

* You can work intently at whatever is new and holds your interest at the moment, but your interest wanes quickly when drudgery and monotony set in.

* Obstacles to your progress or restrictions on your freedom to act create a sense of frustration which may cause you to feel resentful and even rebellious.

* You can then become intolerant of others, and caustic and belittling in your expression, thereby imposing stress on your personal relationships.

* Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus.

So do I merely agree with these statements BECAUSE they are true, or are they true because this bogus name-meaning-generator told me it is so?

And another question: am I going crazy because it is break and I have absolutely nothing to do, or is it break because I am going crazy from having nothing to do?

the great thing about pants

Or shoes, for that matter.

They come with a receipt. And a return policy. And a visible price tag! In life, none of this is offered. More on this later.

Conversation with my sister (who is startlingly similar to me in our approaches to zee "love life" or lack thereof…)

amy: cant
amy: stoppp
amy: thinking
amy: abt
amy: pants
me: lmao
me: i thought you were gonna say [boy]
me: i'm so glad you didnt
amy: i think im in .... love?
me: LOL
me: then go get the pants
me: if its true love
me: they'll wait for you
amy: noo
amy: but i want them.. NOW
amy: ohh mommmaa needs her sugarrrrr

Sometimes it freaks me out how similar we are. Oh but if only all life were like this! THINK ABOUT IT…

You walk into the store (aka life) not really wanting anything, just set on the idea that if anything surprises you and tickles your fancy enough you will consider it for a while and then purchase it, if you think it's worth it. Simple as that.

And it's so easy to find something that you fall in love with in a store, because they're so upfront and honest with you! You know how much they will cost you. You can try them on for as long as you want to see if they're a good fit. And you know that when it all comes down to it, you can just return them if the relationship is not working out!

Moral of the story: boys need price tags. And return policies.

Part deux: similarities between search for boys and search for shoes.

1. Appearance

No crocs. Must be nice looking, and us girls love to outdo each other with our cute accessories. Appearance of shoes (or boys I guess) tells you a lot about the person wearing them. This of course is the first factor that draws you in, the others come later as you try the shoes on. Or the boy.

2. Comfort
Pretty self-explanatory. Shoes or boy must not give you blisters from rubbing you the wrong way, be it physical blisters or emotional ones. Must be able to hang out with said shoes/boy for long periods of time without wanting to cry and/or escape.

3. Price range

Q: Is it worth it?
Q: If I don't buy them now, will I still be thinking of them? Will I regret it?
Q: Will the payback come? AKA will I get the maximum amount of bang for my buck? (K that sounds wrong when thinking of males)

4. Uniqueness

Shoes/boy should reflect your essential style. If it fits in with who you are as a unique entity, DO IT.

Shoe shopping is so much easier than life.

Then again, a pair of shoes won't make you laugh. Except for maybe these shoes. HAH..

cool

When people tell you you're cool, what does that make you think?

I'm so awkward with compliments. As C says I should learn to just smile and say "thanks" but any form of flattery makes me feel totes awk.

Maybe this stems from my childhood, like when my parentals showed me off to the relatives...

relatives: oh you're so pretty!!
me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: and cute!!!!11!!1!!!

me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: and your mom tells me you're so smart, too!!11!!1!

me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: (cheek pinching/fast Indonesian and raucous laughter with my parents)

me: (awkward face, awkward shuffle away)

yeah, I'm sure we've all been in THAT situation. I think my instinct now is to totally negate any incoming compliments completely, so I'll respond with a "ohhh, heh heh nooo, not at allll...."/awkward-face combo that is sure to win them all.

Sigh compliments. I think mostly I'd rather be complimented on something I actively think about/choose for myself, not something inherent or genetic. Yeah I don't know, but should compliments be kept for things that people actually work for? Like they work hard or decide something and you're like hey, good job. Not like oh hey, you were born with nice hair, good job. Like when I say "thanks" I feel like I should be proud of whatever they're complimenting me on, not just cause I happen to be a certain way. Okay, I think too much.

I just need to learn how to accept compliments graciously, I guess. I feel like such a non-lady in this aspect. I bet Audrey Hepburn doesn't even have an awkward face....but whatever. I'm weird and awkward that way, love me please. ):

IDK. Do I even pay compliments? Maybe I should pay more. Anyway, yeah. BE COOL. I'm starting to hate this word. It just sounds weird.

Reminds me of French class
Oui! D'accord! COOL!

And Nicolas with his Montreal accent says COOL in ze most perfect way, tres bien. Oui, oui.

I'm scared.

There, I said it.

miscellaneous bullet points

-I always wake up feeling sad nowadays; in those spare moments between sleeping and waking my emotions are suspended in thin air. They tip over to the melancholy arena and I slowly gather consciousness as a strange sadness fills me to the core. It's a feeling I'm getting used to but I'm questioning why in the world it's there...but I ignore it's presence, put it aside, and force myself awake and out of bed and into another meaningless day. But if there's anything I've learned it's that you can't discard a feeling. So what is this really? Loneliness? Lack of meaning in my life? Lack of tangible goals? It could be a million different things.

ANYWAY, I don't mean to start the post on such a blue note...

-Currently pulling together a recap of 2009 post of EPIC PROPORTIONS...coming soon (deep theater man voice)

-SHAWTY WHATCHO NAME IS? I love me my divas; Beyonce and Lady GaGa = a match made in heaven.

-My roommate and I are entering another dangerous dip phase. Last year we bought 3 jars of spinach dip and ate it on everything until the mention of it's name triggered our gag reflexes. Earlier this year our obsession with homemade guacamole amounted to us buying x number of avocados... and now we have moved on to cheese dip. It was bound to come to this. SALSA CON QUESO, anyone??? My love for this dip is long lasting, I think I loved it since summer before senior year (holy CRAP that was a long time ago). And cheese is something I am especially picky about, so lemmetellya. This is good shit.

-Planning on ending my 3-week pescetarianism this Friday at Disneyland with a celebratory TURKEY LEGGGG

-Finals = finding LOTS of ways to entertain myself on the intarwebZ. I've found a trillion sites and blogs that I will probably love long time.

-tumblr.com. SERIOUSLY, DO IT. Seriously. Another shameless plug; http://internalogic.tumblr.com

-X-mas list as of right now: a really long ethernet cord so I can browse the web from the kitchen counter (aka my new favorite hangout) OR wifi, OmmWriter for PCs, and $15,000 for study abroad in the Fall. Bill Gates can you hear me? I have been so good this year...

Or ya know...being home for Christmas is always good.

i love the internet

Especially during finals week. I'll elaborate later....but for now I'm using this as a plug to my most recent love affair.

HTTP://INTERNALOGIC.TUMBLR.COM

Everyone...hop on board. Seriously, I guarantee you will love it as much as I do (and Nate does)

ebert & roeper style

Two thumbs up to magazine arrivals in the mail. Taylor on the cover of InStyle, Blake on the cover of Nylon, and SJP (iffffy, but okay) on the cover of Elle? I am QUITE satisfied.

One thumb up to mushroom/spinach/cheese quesadillas. My vegetarianism continues successfully......but yes I am feenin for an in-n-out burger or some kbbq. SIGH.

Two thumbs up to the strengthening of the Nexxus of Spite.

Two thumbs up to me dragging my sleepy ass out of bed at 9:15, 45 minutes later than usual, and still managing to make it to class on time, even though I looked like I fell down the rabbit hole. Can this get three thumbs up actually? I'm really proud of myself.

One thumb up to having great conversations/super chill visits with friends I click-click-click with. Insight, injuries, laughter and discussion galore...but only one thumb up because I intended to stay for an hour and ended up staying for three.

Two thumbs up for people I can be weird around. People who enjoy my cross-eyed dinosaur faces and my french-fry lovin habits. My fondness for weirdness GROWS AND GROWS. From anthro: "anthropology teaches us that people do weird things but they don't do them randomly. They have their reasons...their behavior follows a pattern. It has an internal logic." ...two big thumbs up for internal logic. heh.

One thumb up to John Mayer's CD, Battle Studies. And for actually downloading off the music thread in general, YAY.

No thumbs up to my final tomorrow. Actually one thumb up cause I really DGAF about this class (hah, future major maybe) and plus it's just another one to get through.

Two thumbs up to DISNEYLAND THIS FRIDAY!!! PLUS a Disneyland pass?!? PLEASE let this work.....I'm getting my other digits involved into this bullet point and crossing all my fingers.

No thumbs up to everyone and their dog being sick, even my friend's computer got a virus (ha, ha, ha......)

One thumb up to plans for baking cupcakes next Wednesday: planning on trying out recipes for gingerbread cupcakes or peppermint cupcakes or something holiday-like...

One thumb up to crafty creative thoughts about gift-wrapping and gift-purchasing and wishlists. Only one thumb because I have not the bank account to afford to wrap my gifts so lavishly or even purchase the items I wish I could for the dear ones in my life.

No thumbs up to discovering that UCI = high school, sans parents.

One thumb up to endless apricot blossom green tea addiction. This would get two thumbs up except for the fact that it swellllls my bladder and makes me pee in public restrooms, which I HATE.

No thumbs up to my messy messy room, you can hardly see the floor. And my laundry awaits.

No thumbs up to SHITTT it's 2:00 time to actually get work done......bye.

blog barf

It seems to be an appropriate time to blog, considering the fact that I found out within the span of ten shocking minutes that I have a quiz and homework due tomorrow, as well as a final on Thursday for Anthro. Good thing I didn't go to Anthro at all last week. Oh week 9, how far away and lost you are to me.

So, I sit here neglecting my "responsibilities", as I am so apt to do. Instead of getting a move on my ridiculous student life, I watched "Above and BEYONCE" (clever, right?) on Fuse for an hour as I munched on tortilla chips and fresh-made guacamole. Beyonce is the greatest diva ever and I love her.

After realizing I spent a good hour polishing off that avocado and watching Beyonce transform from her glammed out, big hair, booty shakin days to her more sleek and polished...booty shakin (complete with robot hand), I headed to my bomb shelter of a room and decided that things must be done! So I blog.

Currently I am updating my iPod after what feels like a decade of not doing so. Sometime in the summer I accidentally pressed "sync" and about half of the songs from my PC library got deleted. Every time after that when I plugged my iPod into my laptop to add new songs, more oldies disappeared. Today I am taking the plunge and recklessly deleting all my old music and resorting to only having the music from my laptop on my iPod. Will I regret this? Maybe. Probably. Because what will I ever do when I just want to listen to music from the Hairspray soundtrack?? And this actually happens more often then you would think. But hi-ho, I can't be stuck in the past forever, and no regrets, yada yada yada. I know I'm being a little dramatic for JUST an iPod but...SIGH. I had been building that library for a good four years and now it is all going to music heaven in one fell swoop. Actually it's taking kind of a long time and those rotating arrows are killing me slowly.

ANYWAY, I have also been munching on these amazing dark chocolate/peppermint bark morsels from Dove. It always confused me when I saw Dove products in the candy aisle because I was like, what? Soap? Candy? What? BUT yeah these babies are delicious. Got me thinking of making a batch of peppermint bark sometime in the future. Another great thing about these is that every wrapper comes with a quick holiday tip from MARTHA STEWART HERSELF...in the past five minutes I have eaten three (do not judge) and have received the following holiday tips from the home-ec goddess:

-Try printing your own labels to personalize holiday tins.

-Use cake stands to serve food on your buffet table.

-Keep poinsettias out of drafty spaces.

I must admit they are rather drab pieces of advice, but these little tips have me unwrapping more and more chocolates. NOT because I am a fatty and want to taste the deliciously rich chocolate and peppermint medley melting in my mouth and seeping into my system...just because I want to read what Martha has to say. I mean, she went to jail, guys. If that doesn't equal life experiences/life advice then I don't know WHAT does.

But these holiday tips do have me in a rather festive moods. Plans are formulating in my mind; plans of turning myself into a cupcake factory and delivering home made cupcakes to everyone I like (making a list, checking it twice), plans of making aforementioned peppermint bark, along with cake balls and home-made ornaments, etc. etc. etc. Just call me Martha Jr.

The thing is though, these plans will probably not come to fruition. Well, aside from the cupcakes. I mean...my apartment is bare enough as it is and the wonderland of pine garlands and twinkly lights that I dream of would take sooo much EFFORT and MONEY. And I am quite short on both. SIGH, we'll see. Finals will roll around and I will suddenly find myself with SO much time and energy to do anything (but study) so...I guess I will keep you updated on my holiday cheer-meter.

Speaking of holiday cheer....Thanksgiving was not full of it. I'm sorry, I know it's a great holiday and all, but my parents freaking took me to Reno. Las Vegas' trampy little wannabe sister. It was so, so depressing.

Thursday evening we arrived at the hotel, with the casino on the first floor as usual. It was around 6pm, right when most families are sitting down ready to carve the (hopefully moist) turkey. And the casino was populated with older, lonely people. Sipping a beer or smoking a cigarette, seated at a slot machine with no friends or smiles in sight. It was really sad. Is this what some people are destined for? And if this is how they spend their Thanksgiving you can only imagine what the rest of their days are like.

Throughout the whole trip I saw sad people like that. The over-eager waitress with thick eyeliner trying to make her Thanksgiving better than it was, the family at the buffet with fighting kids until the mother told them to "shut the fuck up".....things like that. SIGH RENO, why you bummin me out.

Maybe it's my fault for thinking about this too much and maybe they shouldn't even be pitied to begin with. Who am I to judge and say that their lives are so sad and small? Certainly it's not something I would want for myself but then again it's only a glimpse of what I see of their lives, and I'm so quick to judge and assume and pity them. For all I know they could actually be so much happier than it seems. But also maybe not.

Anyway. Recently I guess I've been doubting everything I do. And when I say everything I mean everything. Motives, consequences, every single little thing. Maybe it was sitting in the car plugged into my iPod for a grand total of like...twelve hours that did it. Too much time to think. Thinking usually means looking back and grating on myself for past mistakes and regrets, and yes I will not lie, I regret a LOT of stuff from back in the day. I don't want to go back and dig up all these past mistakes so I should just...leave them in the ground, right? So I'm so set on doing that but at the same time I can't stop looking back and wishing I did something else, said something else, chose something else.

This second guessing just leads to more second guessing in the present. And about the future, I guess. I'm asking myself too much...and things I was so sure about just a couple weeks ago seem so distant and uncertain now. I don't know what is going to bring about some solidarity in my life but maybe I should just get used to this up in the air feeling.

And speaking of up in the air...my plane ride from SJ to the OC was delightful. I love being a stranger. Absolutely adore it. And also that feeling that you get, right as you take off, when your stomach drops a little bit and you don't know whether or not you're going to die...I love that feeling. It's the uncertainty, the tiny moment that you hang in the air wondering if you're going to fall in some spectacular crash of flame and metal, or if you're going to catch the wind and soar, continue on your way. That moment gives me such peace, that moment when I feel like I might just die. This sounds really morbid. But I really like that moment -- reminiscent of a Tyler Durden "near-life experience" type thing. And I really like turbulence...and we had a lot, surprisingly.

Plane rides just make me happy in general. Feeling so far from the world below with it's grounding tendencies is refreshing and I love being in the air away from it all. The houses slowly getting back to regular size always bums me out a little bit.

I talked with my friend about plans today. He's a meticulous planner, very methodical, very thought-out, and he always follows through with his plans. Whereas I am a planner, but have much less follow-through. I don't know whether to consider this a good or bad thing, I guess there are some moments for both sides. Just that....the plans I have right now...I really want them to happen. And it scares me knowing my tendencies.

But I've made some recent changes.

I am going to stay busy as to avoid this over-thinking. Because thinking makes me dig holes and then I dig giant holes and then I find that I am stuck in these giant holes. Instead, I will keep busy, eat chocolate, and study more. YES.

I've also decided to be a vegetarian. As of today I have not eaten meat for 5 days, I am winning.

I think that's about it...I just got an invitation to go shopping at Nordstrom (WITH AN EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT) and I don't know how to handle this. Hyperventilating. Really wanting to buy shit that I don't really need. Must study. OMG, BRAIN EXPLOSION.

weekends

Are weekends like bookends? Are they meant solely for propping up the days with more meaning/importance? Do they serve their sole purpose as empty little days just to make the weekdays look nicely put together?

NO. TOTALLY NO.

I love weekends.

I hardly left my apartment yesterday and today, and now that I think about it I pretty much wore sweatpants for almost the whole 48 hours.

I watched a LOT of TV. Sex and the City marathon continues every Saturday night with L & S, and we simultaneously ragged on Carrie for never wearing an effing bra while stuffing our faces with delicious home-made guacamole.

Then today...I thought I would be productive today. I got up, turned on the TV as I made breakfast, and the first thing I heard was..."you're watching the next iron chef MARATHON!!" Oh god, there goes my productivity.

This show has my mouth salivating and my heart pumping and my mind running for the best foods that I have ever experienced. And it inspires me and my roommate to cook more deliciously. And it lengthened my mental grocery list.

Places I want to visit/find over winter break:

-The Red Crane

-The Counter

-Tamarind

-Yiassoo

-Boiling Crab

-Amber Cafe

-more authentic Indian, Mediterranean, Japanese, Korean, Mexican and Vietnamese places

-Downtown Mtn View/Palo Alto

-SF

...and basically find ALL THE BEST FOODS, EVER!!

page 1

What have you failed at in the past that you now regret? Or what task, project, or goal are you avoiding because it's challenging? Today, start taking it on. And this time, don't be such a pussy when things get tough.

It's hard to answer this prompt because one, I hate thinking about things I regret. I try to live without any regrets but of course they're always going to exist, there's no denying it. And two, I'm avoiding so much, and the more I think about it, the more I realize I've been avoiding things my whole life.

Avoiding making ripples and being comfortable enough to step on some toes. But that's a different issue. My roommate and I are working on this goal: be aggressive. Not necessarily aggressive but more loyal to your desires and the such...and to stop being such a doormat. I seriously need to stop being a doormat.

"So when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. But if you're like most people I know, you give til it hurts...and then you give some more."

-Meredith Grey

Been there, done that. I feel like I have nothing left to give, and I'm just pulled in a million different directions and I can't satisfy anyone or myself.

I'm digressing from the actual prompt. Right now I suppose I'm avoiding researching the study abroad programs that I want to participate in. I've been putting it off and I know that deadlines are going to come up and that if I miss them this year I'll have to rearrange the plans I've made and re-figure it out. Half of me doesn't mind right now, this whole thing is so up in the air and we'll see if I ever make it out of the country at all. Plus financially I'm being drawn to several different areas and I really don't have the money to do everything I want.

In the past I've failed at saving money and getting to my goals...so I need to keep reminding myself to limit the spending.

I'm putting off these plans because I guess it feels so...final. When it comes around it'll come around, but I know that nothing happens unless you make it happen for yourself. I'm just in such a lazy place right now. I just want to sit and make lists.

In the past I have failed at working harder to realize my potential, and in the past I have failed at being honest to whatever rampant emotions take hold. In the past I have failed at keeping the thoughts/words/actions relationship pointed in the same direction. Too many directions.

"Watch your thoughts, they become your words.
Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

Another thing to work on.

And another thing I've failed at in the past is forming my own opinions about things, and I've failed at not letting peoples' judgments get in the way of my decisions. About MY life. I hate judgment, stop the judgment.

There are too many things for me to tackle right now, and all I really want to do is disappear into my big bed and forget the world exists.

There's something so interesting about meeting strangers. Flitting in and out of your life and you don't really know if they're meant to bring you something more than just a name and a greeting.

Another thing I've been avoiding is the gym, but I went today and yesterday and the endorphins are pumpin and YAY! Hah, I tackled one thing. Baby steps.

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford

making wishes

Birthday candles, shooting stars, 11:11

So many people take these as opportunities to make wishes. As often as they come, I’ll grasp the moment and think of what I want most, and then close my eyes and hope.

“Why bother?” some say, “wishes don’t come true, anyway.”

Not to be a cynic, but I can’t help but agree.

Too often, wishes don’t come true, won’t come true. Should I stop asking for giant magnificent things, things that can’t happen in the blink of an eye?

If wishes came true…I would be living a contradiction. I may be somewhere else, maybe NYC. I would have much more money at my disposal, I would have my closest friends with me. I would have everyone, or I would have no one. I would start over with a blank slate, I would rewind, I would fast forward. I would have talent, stronger will, a better work ethic. I would have that missing something. I would have a secure promise of a successful future, and I would have this recognition of my potential and the knowledge that it will get me somewhere soon. I’ll have my name in the byline, my influence far-reaching. I would have balance and lose the in-betweens. And I wouldn’t get so caught in (what I know are just) momentary lapses, I wouldn’t get stuck in people-ruts.

But as life goes, and as wishes go,

none of these wishes I once made really came true.

I still make wishes every chance I get.

I consider it a moment to step back and pause the world, re-align yourself with yourself and forget about any outside influences puncturing your sphere. Brainstorm — think about what I do have, what I could have, and what I don’t want to have. And the wish I make is usually just for things like courage or focus or discipline, to reach my goals.

My wish is a recognition of what I desire, but that itself is not the wish. The wish is the means of getting there.

So every chance I get I make a wish,

not because I believe some divine entity will grant it to me,

but because it reminds me of what my goals are

and how I can do everything I can to make them come true for myself.

follow your heart

I've never been very good at this, in any aspect.

Yesterday was an excellent Saturday, consisting of:

-swinging in the park

-all you can eat KBBQ

-browsing Borders whilst sipping hot chocolate

-live guitarist

-wandering through Michaels & Target

-Sex & the City marathon

-all occurring in very good company.

Today was rather different...I went for a run with my roommate to the park and completely DIED. So very out of shape. But I got to swing again.

I think I'm dehydrated.

I bought this journal at Borders yesterday called "Skinny Bitchin." I'm excited to complete it, and I will be posting responses to the prompts.

Today I also wrote a letter to no one (someone), failed at studying for Anthro, formulated plans in my head for future park visits and a zoo trip, and found out that male giraffes often engage in sexual activities with each other.

Also, I've decided that this face :C is stupid.

---

Here is my goal for the week:

"Live more freely, walk more slowly, appreciate more readily. Understand and desire love, pursue love, live in love."

starbucks thoughts

How inspirational for a pastry bag from Starbucks:

flavors my senses
sweetens my disposition
stirs my imagination
nourishes my dreams

Really? A blueberry scone can do all that?

Au contraire, I found out that blueberry scones are one of the least healthy breakfasts in america…so it’s more like nourishing your obesity.

Going to the farmers market tomorrow morning, where I hope to purchase some dream-nourishing, imagination-stirring, and disposition-sweetening (and actually healthy) foods.

who we are is simply who we can be

Really? Really, is this identity crisis still going on? I'm dragging it out, maybe intentionally, forcing myself into this dark little hole and hoping to figure out whether or not I can emerge as a put-together butterfly or just stumble out and be the awkward little caterpillar.

I realize I have a hard time being myself. There are very few people that I am truly comfortable around, and even with that, I'm only really truly 100% comfortable around well, myself. When I'm alone and undisturbed. I suppose that's true for everyone...it's just that my public persona and private persona tend to differ so much that I find it hard to balance and still be comfortable when I'm around people. This is hardly making sense, even to me.

I had a nice Veterans' day -- C, M, and I ventured to Costa Mesa and checked out a revolving sushi restaurant. Can I just say that I am officially a huge fan of revolving sushi? Those little plates of 2-3 bucks a pop are rather deceiving though, I ended up spending around $20 including tax and tip so it's NOT THAT CHEAP. No judgement please. But definitely intending to visit much more often, maybe once I save some money.

Over Godzilla rolls and other various DELCIOUS sushi morsels, we talked about what's going on in our lives -- new love interests, old love interests, nonexistant love interests (that was me, lol). C seems like a really wise person. She said that some couples didn't know how to be friends, because they start off on a romantic note instead of basing their relationship off of friendship. It seems like it makes sense to me, although I'm sure it's not always the case.

But that got me thinking. How do we know how to be friends at all? With anyone? Is there some sort of unknown recognition when you look someone in the eyes and realize that you're embarking upon a journey towards getting to know them better, and getting to be comfortable around them? Is there some moment when you subconsciously decide that you are "friends" and then just continue on that way?

For me friendship is an acceptance of one anothers quirks. A knowledge of it, maybe even an expectation of it. And you like the person's weirdness enough to want to hang around a little bit and watch this personality play out and interact with yours.

Tough cookies, though. We can't have quirk resumes and list the little things about us as a person that sets us apart. You can't go around asking people to list off the top of their head the things that make them weird and different from everyone else. Hell, if someone asked me what sets me apart, I would have no effing clue. Blank stare.

I think this goes with my weird comfort thing. It takes me a (really?) long time to get comfortable around someone and start being able to be myself. Usually, I feel that I am just awkward and fake and censored and boring and uncomfortable, among a slew of other MLEHh adjectives. It's because I don't want to offend or alienate, right from the start. Maybe I'm a perennial people-pleaser and just try to make everyone happy and make everyone like me and make everyone think I'm funny, or something. Dammit, am I that insecure?? (Answer: probably.) But seriously, how are they going to know the real me if the person I introduce myself as is often a far throw from the person that I am when I'm comfortable?

So I realize...I need to stop being afraid of stepping on toes. Like M, just to be as YOU as possible and disregard how weird you come off to the other person. Yes, send them LOLCATS bumper stickers even if you met them just a couple days before. Yes, tell them that you just texted them from the toilet. And yes, tell them honestly what is going through your mind at that very moment. And like H said so long ago, who the fuck cares if they don't like you?

That's my goal for this week, I suppose. Being more honest to who I am...aka being the weird person that I can be. When I'm weird it's probably cause I'm just going with my brainwaves. I need to stop second guessing myself and my actions and just go with it, stop holding myself back for fear of losing some. You'll never have them all.

But then again, right now I just feel like the most mundane and boring sack of human to ever walk the face of this earth.

Also it has been brought to my attention that people are surprised to find out that I'm smart. Smart relative to what, I don't know, but it takes a midterm grade or an SAT score to get them to double back and say "Whoa. You're smart?"

Which leaves me with my awkward face on. Heh...no...modest shrug, change topic. But yeah, do I come across as an idiot or something? Is it really surprising to these people that I can be this girl who makes corny jokes and laughs at anything, but also get good grades and be a litttttle book smart? It seems like nobody is giving me this chance to show them my 3-d self. Face value = Chery likes to eat, can make people laugh, etc, boring boring boring.

It makes me wonder about how people think of each other. Being me, I have unusually high expectations for...well...everyone I meet, basically. I know it's stupid. But it's like innocent until proven guilty -- you are smart and funny and interesting until you prove to me that you're some airheaded dumbass douchebag with a lousy sense of humor. Also I realize I tend to wait for people to prove me wrong, and I linger as I try to watch personalities appear.

I feel like I'm starting to sound really creepy and weird. HAHA...I'm just a people watcher I guess. People have always interested me, and now I might even minor in anthropology. As of right now though, I have to study the currents and wind patterns of planet Earth. JOY TO THE WORLD.

slow moments

Lately I've taken a liking to the slow moments in life. Weekends are times I especially look forward to, not because of the wild crazy college parties...but because of stupid stuff, like being able to sit in front of my laptop for hours on end without having to worry about wasting time or where I need to be or what I need to get done.

I contradict myself, though, because this morning I woke up at 8:45, then 10:00, then finally 11:30...all three times in a relatively minor panic. First thought was what time is it!? Am I late?! It took me a while to realize there was nothing going on that I would be late for, since it was in fact Saturday morning. But I woke ill at ease and the first thing I did this morning when I got out of bed was make a list of all the things I want to accomplish this weekend.

However this list has not really come close to getting completed. Saturday afternoon unraveled nice and slowly for me, with a lot of time just on the internet doing time-wasting things. Then I made myself a delicious and giant breakfast burrito and watched the Sex and the City movie, which confirms to me my desire to get the hell out of the OC and start experiencing real life.

Maybe I'm starting to feel claustrophobic here. Claustrophobic, misguided, and...taken at face value. I just need to learn how to release my inhibitions.

Anyway, I won't go into detail. But slow moments have become the only things I look forward to on a day to day basis now:
-laying in the park, eating extra buttery popcorn and reading my anthro book, as it got chillier and chillier and people walked around immersed in their busy lives
-coming home and improvising a meal, as I browse through oldies and country and jazz on the radio. And then devouring my meal while reading a book.
-and just the quiet moments before I get to sleep where I just think or write or read.

In the long run I'm looking forward to
-receiving my $100 order from Forever 21. Yes, I broke, late one lonely night, and decided that new clothes would make me happier. I am actually very very excited for this.
-POST COLLEGE LIFE.
-Thanksgiving break, and my NorCal sigh of relief. Fresh breath of air, here I come.

My roommate told me about a park not a mile away, and she mentioned that they have swings there. SWINGS! My one love. I'm desperate to go, but there isn't really anyone that I want to accompany me. Should I brave the potential Irvine rapists and go it alone? Or should I compromise my comfort being by myself for guaranteeing some safety?

I listen to a lot more mellow music lately...and I just want to eat dark chocolate and live in my bed, read Elle magazine and hope that the world just dies chaotically by itself, not bothering me in my humble retreat within my comforter. I'll watch from my pillow, and maybe emerge when the sun comes out.

But that's the other weird thing. Usually I hate rain and cold weather in general. Right now, I'm dying for a sharp wind in my face and I'm asking the skies when they'll water the earth again. I can't wait until I come home. And I really just want to get out of the OC.

Empire State of Mind -- Jay Z

I just need to push myself more and fulfill my own expectations. I just feel like I'm letting things slip through the cracks.

happy halloween mnonkin fabkers

I hate to overuse a cliche but okay, shitshow for sure.

Started off the night at Chipotle! FREE BURRITOS WHAT! The crew I went with ended up going back for seconds...and thirds. NOT FAT, I SWEAR. But yeah I only had 1.3 burritos so whatever y'allll! In retrospect Halloween weekend was like, the worst weekend EVER when caloric intake is concerned.
-five! five dollar footlong! I ate it in...basically one sitting...hahaha.
-burrrrritos YEE
-Del Taco. GOTTA LOVE IT, chicken soft taco, you are my best friend. Fried jalapeno rings, not feelin you as much.
-shots shots shots shot-shot-shots ERRRRBODDDYYY
So fat. SO, so fat. I should really just go back to dating the gym. (Elliptical, I love you, I'm sorry, let's give this a second chance. It could really work this time.)

Then I went to Newport Beach for "Nightmare on 29th"... I don't even know how to start so I will just...list things.

-hoes hoes hoes - the man version, as well as probably some girl versions too LOL. (My annoying side came out as I decided to document lap dances and face-licking of all sorts)
-and drunks. Drunks drunks drunks EVERYWHERE. Horny kind, loud kind, hand-holding kind (LOL), apparently the angry kind...and then just...more drunk people added into the mix. Drunk Tigger with ears askew, drunk Scot in kilt, drunk Donkey Kong, etc etc. Tranny messes, all of you.
-probably dropped my phone a thousand more times, because now it is even MORE crappy and broken-looking, and click-y. THIS IS NOT HOW MY PHONE SHOULD BE, IT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN THREE MONTHS!
-was force fed a shot out of NOWHERE, while I was in the middle of talking. Basically I guess he just poured it into my mouth when I was saying something, I'm guessing something like "WOW" cause you open your mouth big for that one. K I'm gonna stop talking.
-apparently someone punched in the side of a car and then spent the night in the drunk tank.
-also, apparently someone got STABBED on 29th street too...yeah wtfz guys
-basically gave this guy (who flaked on me, which is like #1 offense) shit all night, and punched him with my gold cuff YES. Mission accomplished. But it's okay, because
-he ended up peeing his pants later, HAHAHA!!!!!!! More ON than IN, BUT STILL!!! HAHAHA!!!
-sang along/dance partied to Taylor Swift with the guy who ended up in the drunk tank later
-then found Taylor Swift downstairs
-also met a girl scout and then proceeded to recite the oath whilst pouring Captain Mo, oh how far we have come.
-felt like I was back in Asia because it was literally 938472387 degrees in the house, plus sweaty humidity, so basically I felt like I was inhaling a mixture of BO and alcohol all night, which was definitely a highlight. NO.
-I made a Jewish friend named MITCH!
-someone randomly picked me up as a big sis, which is funny because 1. neither of us are affiliated because we both de-pledged/deferred and because 2. just wtf HAHAHA...oh well he offered me lunch so I will be taking advantage of this accordingly
-got hit on (?????) by very drunk/very taken boy...LOL but I dodged that bullet whew
-and got hugged a lot, which I really was not enjoying, because I mean, it was 23984793874 degrees in there, do we really need to share our body warmth? Really? Come on guys.

Then we stopped by another party for about two minutes, with one minute being devoted to me emptying my bladder.

THEN we came back to my apartment complex and played some beer pong (which I really do not remember).
-apparently I was talking hella shit to nobody but my own partner. TEAMWORK FTW. But it's okay because
-I DID NOT TROLL. One cup made, accomplishment I would say, especially considering my state of being...hahaha NTS, do not play this game when very drunk

And then I don't remember coming back to my apartment but...I MADE IT SAFE AND SOUND!

Good costumes I saw:
-JUNO & PAULIE BLEEKER!!! I took a picture of her belly. In retrospect that might be semi-awkward but do I care? No. Also this was funny because some guy thought she was ACTUALLY pregnant and mentioned that it might be harmful to her unborn baby to be downing that many shots, LOL.
-IDK, but there is a picture of some guy's nipple on my camera.......good.
-TAYLOR SWIFT! (: as mentioned before.
-there were a lot of babies. And just...naked people. Well, I mean, Mean Girls hit on an immortal truth: Halloween is the only time a girl can dress like a slut and not be judged for it. Apparently the rule applies to guys as well. But really, being naked is not a costume. I'm sorry.
-DeadMaus woooo
-"drunk all the time". He made a shirt with pictures of himself highly inebriated, that said "wanted by the FBI for being DRUNK ALL THE TIME" or something like that. Oh yeah this is the guy who I Taylor Swift-ed with and also the guy who punched in the side of the car and ended up in the drunk tank. So I guess his costume wasn't really a costume, more of a...real life identity type thing. HAHA.
-TOOL! He had a hat shaped like a wrench and then a shirt that said tool, I LOLed.
-some guy was an angel, I LOLed again.
-cute high school couple - football player and cheerleader. The football guy came in FULL GEAR. Those shoulder pads were NOT FUN to stand next to, especially when he turned abruptly and whacked my face
-then you got your regular crew of tramps and nerds, workout people and guys in corsets (which is REALLY not pretty, or even that funny, if you ask me)

But I'm not ragging on other peoples costumes, because okay, I don't even know what I was...basically people asked me what I was, and I just said "you tell me." So responses I got:
-Pocahontas (okay, this is initially what I wanted to be, but I totally thought I ditched that idea when I found this ridiculously shiny $8 dress at Buffalo Exchange. Apparently not, though? So I guess I win..)
-Cleopatra (that's the one I was planning on sticking with)
-Greek goddess
-shiny piece of shit. No, I kid. But yeah whatever.
-"pretty". HAHAHA......awkward, bye.

Also I was very unaware of how drunk texty I am.
-I REALLY MISS YOU HOME PEOPLE. Sorry to Neri for getting the full brunt of my drunken homesickness. Also my first text reads "I breally ahev to pee rght now." So thanks Neri...for reading about the state of my bladder....yeeeeah.
-Thanks to Tim who basically made my night with this piece of quality texting: "Ur a mnonkin fabker baller ! luqo" (WHAT IS LUQO? But "mnonkin fabker" is definitely entering my daily vocabulary)
-"RAPE RAPE RAPE" (?!?!?!)
-"Woowowww m drunk when id this haoppen." (Self, please stop texting. And the time stamp reads 1:45 AM, so I guess there is your answer.)
-at least that was a change from 12:01 AM, "I need to bhe more drunkk"
-then to Nate: "Hoep youre having a better night than me. Fuck," -- was I telling him to get some action?? (; HAHAHA just kidding friends
-1:46 is when I wanted to be back in the CPT I suppose. "Im drinkk take me home )))):::" That is really a scary smiley face, four mouths and three sets of eyes. Monsters really do come out on Halloween. But I guess this is still better than the hoards of emoticon-overusers :D :D :D :D :D :P :P :P :P :P ;) ;) who once texted me on a daily basis before I non-subtly snipped them out of my inbox and life.

So yeah, I woke up around 10 this morning still in full costume, just...on my bed. Must say it was kind of surprising but at the same time very relieving. Lol. Cleaned up, went to Del Taco & de-briefed the night...and now a full day of homework and school business to deal with. And yeah, apparently I KO'ed while listening to Super Mash Bros, so add that to the list of other random music I fall asleep to (NERD). HOLLA, MUSIC THREAD.

salmonfresh

FASHION SHOW TOMORROW? WHAT???

HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM

SO EXCITEDDDD. CAPS LOCK LEVEL EXCITED.

you could call it fiction

Isn't it all just some twisted bedtime story anyway? Things get so convoluted.

Living, telling, re-telling...lingering, essentially. Why is it so hard to drop these moments as they come, leave them in our mind to age gracefully, instead of re-iterating and re-living. But that's the simple truth; it's hard to just live moment-to-moment. That's not how we're wired, I guess.

---

Last night I won a BP tournament with J! Haha, whether by sheer skill or piecing together of lucky occurrences, we left the apartment at 3 AM with a nice little keg as our trophy. It's now sitting in my room...and I don't really know what to do with it. Whatever.

I went to his place for some late night nibbling and then he knocked out in about 2 seconds flat, so I turned off the lights, snuck out the door, and headed home.

VDC was shrouded in fog last night. I walked with a purpose but enjoyed it all the same; there was a duality in that I wanted to get home and I also wanted to shake this feeling that had suddenly seized me. I admired the effect of the street lights lost blurred amidst the fog and fantasized about creepy figures emerging from the haze ahead of me. But I wasn't really scared...the solitude and quiet was peaceful and I felt very calm, and a lot more content than I've been in a while.

I need to take walks like these more...people here don't walk!

Today I woke up and decided a little me-day would be good. I'm surprisingly productive and happy thus far, got my laundry done, ran into friends twice and by a twist of fate perhaps, ended up having a nice little late lunch with them. Serendipity, how you please me. Now I just have to study for French, and if I'm productive enough I'm going to retire early and read my Elle magazine before dozing off.

Another week is starting and it's safe to say I have certain goals.

RJ, I'm copying you today. Songs of the moment:

Street Lights - Kanye West
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
So Beautiful - Dashboard Confessional
A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
In My Life - The Beatles
You & I Both - Jason Mraz
Song for a Friend - Jason Mraz

words of wisdom

Today started off semi-rough.

I had a French quiz this morning...and if you didn't see my status, you will now.
Chery Sutjahjo: LOL FML french quiz: he asked me who is the laziest in my family, i answered by telling him where i keep my spare umbrellas....HAHAHAHA FAIL

YEAHHH so, paresseux and parapluie definitely NOT the same thing. I was basically laughing my head off the whole time as he reviewed the quiz and went over the answers. Because my answer, instead of saying something along the lines of "I am the laziest in my family" or something like that, was more like "In the closet." .......HAHAHA.

Good thing I have a midterm on Tuesday. WIN! Actually I'm a LOT better at written as opposed to oral testing, so I'm not supremely worried about this. Still. Studying to be done.

Anyway...some random little tidbits have been needling at me much more too. I don't know why I'm being so touchy today, but there was some SERIOUS vibin going on.

VIBIN - Vicious Inner Bitchin. Occurs when I am not a good mood and start mentally hating on every living being on this planet for no apparent reason. This never translates to vocal bitchin, which is good. Just turns my head into some crazy place for the time being.

Yeah so I was hardcore vibin for a large portion of today, I don't really know why. Thankfully my buddy Meher knows whats up, and when I texted him telling him about my weird mood, he responded:

Fuck'em Friday, noun - a spontaneous occurrence of extreme vibin, usually occurring on, but not limited to, a Friday. Reason for occurrence: bitches ain't shit. Ex, "man, fuck'em Friday, I'm vibin on these hoes."

I loled in the middle of class.

Anyway the rest of the day was satisfactory, and this weekend should be ultimate rest time. Not much planned and I'm enjoying it the way that it is. DGAF weekend for sure! GOD I need to stop with these weird terms.

ALSO, I HAVE A NEW BABY:
HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM
more lifestyle, less whining. please add!

identity

I feel as though I don't know my own identity, but others seem to.

Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)

I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.

But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.

Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.

Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.

Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.

He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)

Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.

Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.

So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.

Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.

After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.

I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).

SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?

Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.

Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.

So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.

The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.

I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.

So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.

Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?

I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.

So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.

But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.

I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.

"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."

NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.

Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.

On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."

I was pretty thrilled.

no thing, nothing

So guys. Monday is apparently wake-up call day, Chery doesn't have a thing day.

That's right. A thing. Especially now, it's noticeable. People have THINGS...C has her dance/photo/fashion thing, A has the architecture and the dance thing, N has his political thing, T has his biology business, M has the music thing...need I continue? Oh it's not only home people who have things (I hope you don't feel like I'm pointing fingers), UCI people have more things. Seriously everyone and their mother AND their dog is pledging for a sorority/fraternity (not that I'm jealous) but that counts as a thing!!! M has her SPOP/being friends with everybody thing, J has like a thousand different things, all of which are resume boosting AND enjoyable for her, S has freakin TRIATHLON CLUB...where does this leave me?? THING LESS!!! I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE GYMMMMM.

At least I have TRIED things...right? Sorority thing? Tried it for a week, wasn't for me. Lots of frustration and confusion on my part there but a good and worthwhile experience when it all comes down to it. And it's taught me to grow up as a person too.

So what makes me notice, even more tonight than ever before, that I don't have a thing?? Well, I ran into a summer friend on the bus today, and he managed to convince me to go to a dance workshop. So I went. I was pretty psyched, I was like, YES, I did one boogiezone class over the summer, a couple hiphop classes last year, flight school in Meher's garage, TOTALLY legit. It was like, time to get back on the dance crack!! YES. I thought I could easily make dance my thing. I mean, everyone here dances. Not that hard, right?

Fast forward about one hour, Chery = chopped and screwed. Not in the good way. Yeah okay so maybe I shouldn't have gone back to the dance crack by diving head first into a workshop for PROS. It's like after you have a hangover you go out again and then start the night by taking 10 shots in a row, BAM, no bueno. Okay that didn't really make sense BUT I think you get my jist.

Yeah so it was a pretty demeaning hour. I felt about one inch tall. And lemme tell ya, there were like PEOPLE I KNOW there, and I talked to them, so they KNOW I went. This was none of the James Bond under-the-radar secretly training to be Ciara type shit, this was like OH HEY YOU'RE HERE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DANCED, COOL. Yeah I don't dance guys. And they didn't believe me either, so when I failed it was like, "wow she wasn't being modest, she does suck." And since they all know I was there, cause I talked to them (mistake) they also all know that I left about 2 hours early...

But HONESTLY swear to GOD, I thought the girl said "bathroom run!" In actuality she said "back to front" which is why everyone started shuffling around and rearranging. You can see how that would be confusing right? But yeah I saw it as an opportunity to roll out, cause come on, that was not really where I was meant to be at that moment in time. Plus my friend was like hardcore hating her life right then and I felt supersuper bad for dragging her with me on my druggie quest for dance crack...so yeah we peaced out. Not a shining moment for me because leaving involved walking past the front of the basketball courts...where everyone was facing, trying to learn this super legit piece...yeaaaah.

High five self, at least I tried, RIGHT?

So, dance. NOT MY THING.

I went home and cooked myself six potstickers, extra browned and crispy and delicious, to make myself feel better. All the while I vented to my roomie about how I don't have a thing. So then I segmented off my life into past things and future things and present things.

THINGS I ONCE HAD
-the ice skating thing. Can't really go back to it now, it's just a side thing. Not even really a thing. Even when I actually had it I didn't appreciate it at it's full value, and then I quit, so anyway it's NOT my thing.
-piano thing, again, QUIT. Such a quitter, fml.
-I guess I had the yearbook thing in high school. Again, does not translate into college life.
-Girl Scout. Um...didn't officially quit, just kind of gradually drained it out of my life. Not a thing.

Which leaves me with no things.

THINGS I TRIED TO HAVE
-New U: well, basically, I failed at writing an article for the first week because I'm too busy...killing flies or something. This week there are more pieces that I can write and I am going to strap myself to my chair with the new belt I bought until something worth reading comes out of my fingertips or I sit there long enough until I starve and lose a thousand pounds and slip out from under the belt, whichever comes first.
-Dance: HAAA, see above. I still want this to be a thing in my life but I need baby steps guys! And everyone here is freaking good already so my baby steps are like...lost among their running man steps. HA, reference to a dance "picture" that I semi-learned today, omg, I am being such a poser trying to sound like a pro right now. Moving right along.
-Sorority thing: Can I get a nice, rousing "NAY"? Nay.

Still have nothing.

So what do I do with my life then? REALLY, REALLY? 24 hours a day, and usually I am awake for about at least 14 of them, so what the eff am I doing all day?

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE RECENT PAST:
-overcame my disgust for flies and killed around 4 of them yesterday in a panic-induced killing frenzy spurred by my roommate and friend. Then proceeded to vacuum up the guts and corpses, and then rewarded myself with a pizookie.
-I bought really cute shoes today. I'm wearing them right now, and they are possibly the only things making me happy at this moment in time.
-I had a really delicious breakfast burrito, and now my grocery list includes breakfast burrito ingredients. I also have a new list of movies to see, including one called "Nobody" which is pretty much how I feel right now. Go watch the trailer and then take me to the movie, THANKS.
-I think I got a 3/3 on my quiz today for Earth System Science.....YAAAAAY.

And not much else... I guess...

Okay it has also been brought to my attention that I keep telling people that I'm a journalism major, but I haven't even declared yet, so BASICALLY I've been lying to everyone I've met since Week 0...SORRY GUYS.

Jacki and I tried to figure out what my thing is as she cooked me dessert. When I say dessert, I mean deep fried nutella wrapped in wonton skins and then sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Jacki: I'm not sure if they'll be good...let's just try it and then pretend this never happened if they suck.
Chery: Jacki. They have chocolate, sugar, and are deep fried. They HAVE to be good. Rule of nature.
And then after that we kind of died and stopped talking cause we were busy stuffing our faces.

Anyway, trying to figure out my thing...
Jacki: You like reading!! That's a thing!!
Chery: JACKI. ANYONE CAN READ. THAT'S NOT MY THING.

But yeah, things that I AM good at include...
-reading. WOOOO
-eating, especially fried things or sweet things, or salty things. Or all of the above.
-spending unnecessary money on unnecessary items, like good clothes or good food.
-venting
-making fun of people, probably. Verbally or mentally...sneakily or otherwise.
-procrastinating (like what I'm doing now)
-making lists.
-...texting

and surprise, surprise, these are ALL THINGS that basically ANY human being on this whole Earth can do. So basically I'm a non-unique waste of oxygen. Haaa...

I think my problem is I just can't commit to things. Maybe I should just pick a thing, and stop flirting with too many things, and then openly ask the thing to be in a relationship with me, and then change my status on facebook, and then spend all my time with this thing such that people will say, "Oh, Chery? Yeah, she's that girl! She has that _____ thing."

I mean, as of right now, I don't even know how people classify me. Not that I want to be classified, but I especially don't want to be known as thing-less girl, or be defined by who I hang out with. "Oh, Chery? Yeah she's always with that SPOP/dance/Frat/Sorority girl/boy."

But no. I fail at committing to things in general. I will have lunch with you later this week but I will probably forget who you are by the end of the month. So how am I supposed to pick a thing and love that thing for ever and ever??? I freaking get tired of my outfit by the end of the day, dammit.

I don't even want any sympathy right now, don't tell me I'm not a failure. JUST TELL ME I'M A FAILURE, maybe then I'll get a move on and DO something about it for once, instead of vent to my three online readers. And DON'T EVEN say the "writing thing" because one, I have been lying to people about that being my major, two, the only writing I do right now is blogging which hardly counts and making lists of things to do which counts even less, and then copying lecture notes which counts the least because I'm hardly even thinking as I sit there vacuously copying slide after slide, and three I haven't even written an article for the New U yet, and let me be frank, it's not like it's a huge struggle to do. I just...haven't. If writing was my thing I'd have churned out like a thousand articles by now and been crowned unofficial staff writer of the month.

SIGH. It's fine. This is an optimistic kind of depression... and thus begins the search for my thing. At least I don't have swine flu, having swine flu as your thing is worse than having no thing at all. Praise the skies.

your mind is rather reckless

Jason Mraz concert last night! (:

It started off on a disappointing note. They played a video basically advertising the Gratitude Cafe and, I felt that he was forcing his beliefs on us, the audience... it felt kind of preachy. Mraz has turned into a hypnotic hippie, au-natural musician, zen-god of some sort. His music has definitely changed but it's a change that I embrace and enjoy. However when he tries to spread his influence through informational documentary-esque videos rather than through his music...well, needless to say, I object.

Anyway, the amazing part of the concert came soon enough. He played some old favorites, we sing/dance/steal things songs, as well as some new songs that I haven't heard before (What Would Love Do Now). By far my favorite songs were A Beautiful Mess and You & I Both...because, well, they're my favorite songs. His voice is so amazing live. Three times for Mraz, more coming for sure.

Other favorite moments:
-speaking French (:
-he sang part of Lucky in Spanish...swoon.

"Anything you want can be yours at any time."

He got his message across without any help from that useless video. I don't know... there's something of a freedom in what he sings about and what he conveys.

---

On another note... I don't know what to make of the dreams I keep having. Have you ever had a recurring dream? Or in this case, a recurring dream figure? I can't understand this discrepancy between waking and dreaming, and the sharp switch from sleep to wake rattles me every morning, and I think it's the cause for me waking up glum and ill at ease.

Maybe I'm taking these dreams too seriously, but I've always been a strong believer that dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something that your conscious decides to ignore. I've always looked up symbols and remembered my dreams and pondered over them, wondering what my waking self is missing that my dreaming self knows so well. I always take vivid dreams as wake-up calls...which is kind of ironic, I guess. Should I stop taking my dreams so seriously? Are they merely fantastical, convoluted imagery connected by a confused and over-worked waking mind? Or are they really...actually, substantial?

---

Today, in concert hangover tradition, has been spent lazily and Mrazily. It's almost 1, I want to go back in bed, read a magazine, listen to my LOVAH, forget the world exists. Today I want my room and nothing else...maybe a cookie. Some nice company would be nice later on too.

J and I talked last night about college friends and home friends. It was nice to hear that someone is feeling how I am feeling, and thinking the thoughts that I am thinking. At school, everyone is in it for themselves. I think I need to work on remembering this more.

Duties await. Til next time...which will probably be very very soon. Is October my blog-frenzy month or something???

<3

cruise control

Here we are! The end of the week has finally been reached. For the most part I spent it in autopilot -- which I'm sure you guys understand, if not from your own lives, but from my recent blog posts. Yeah, I've been complaining. Or not complaining specifically but wondering and over-thinking too much, as usual, I guess.

Every day felt like the same thing again and again. Maybe it's because I have to wake up at the same time every day, that when I turn and see the clock hands pointing at 8:30 AM every morning, it just feels like some weird deja vu, as if I'm heading into a day that I've already lived through once before.

So it was school, that was routine enough. Work, very routine. Even social functions & friendships are getting strained as everyone starts to divert their attention to their own lives and own interests. It's not necessarily that I'm feeling left behind...maybe just that everyone is so certain of what they want, and I'm a little more susceptible to just floating for a while.

Anyway, I cruise controlled myself through the week and ended up here, this paradise of a Friday afternoon. I'm planning on cleaning/reorganizing my room because...busy weeks = messy rooms, complete with clothes cast aside as they were deemed unworthy outfit choices. I need to plan my weekend and get started on writing a piece for the new U which is due this Sunday. I need to catch up on notes/readings from the week...

This is starting to turn into a to-do list, and I already have too many of those.

Things I am looking forward to:
-football game tonight between 2 frats. (: I'm pretty good friends with one of the frats and they invited me to come out and support. I'm excited -- I miss watching football, as little as I understand it. I miss HIGH SCHOOL and HOMECOMING, sigh sigh sigh.
-JASON MRAZ concert on Saturday! To be honest at this moment I'm not supremely thrilled or anything...but I suppose that's just because I'm in mellowed-out finally-Friday stage. A good nights sleep and a little bit of fun will definitely change that for me.

But yeah lately I've been feeling like a granny. Not wanting to do much, just wanting to get to bed early or have a little ME time. I should seriously start learning how to knit and/or play bridge.

is this it?

Is this what the future holds? I feel like I'm merely keeping myself occupied, filling the space between the times when my head leaves and hits the pillow. When does it start meaning something? When does it start becoming more than a title and become a part of who you are?

In other news I got a position as an intern for the Vendor Fairs at ASUCI.

In other other news...I went about today feeling very antisocial. A lot of times I noticed that I wasn't smiling. I don't really know why, maybe it was just one of THOSE days.

end of the day blues

Work is really starting to pile up, I'm feeling like I'm falling behind. I'm starting to get a little worried about my schedule too. Juggling school, work, social life, SLEEP, and a smattering of other things I'm trying to get involved in. Still waiting on a call from ASUCI (still crossing my fingers), haven't yet gotten around to writing a piece for the New U, and have just recently started trying to figure out how H.O.T tutoring is going to fit in to my schedule.

I will admit I'm getting a little stressed about how hectic things may be getting...but perhaps it's solely because things are still settling. Once my schedule gets a bit more stable maybe I'll feel more secure.

It just seems like time passes so quickly these days and I can't ever really get around to everything I want to do. Suddenly it's 12 midnight and I'm reminding myself to head to bed, gotta be up at 8:30 to get ready for yet another day.

On the bright side I'm never bored...there are always things to look forward to and I'm always pre-planning and making lists of things to accomplish. Goals goals goals...but sometimes perhaps too many? I just feel that my plate last year was so empty, that now, maybe my eyes are bigger than my stomach. We'll see...I'm gonna jump into this full speed and see if I crash and burn.

Still feels like somethings a little lacking. I'd love to sit and think and talk fluidly for a long time, without worrying about time or another topic to discuss.

celebrity

In-N-Out was the place to be on Monday night, especially if you're usually a person who sits in front of their computer on Monday nights.

All under one roof: AJ Rafael, Christine "Happy Slip", Kev Jumba, Uncle Same, Scott Yoshimoto, Cathy Nguyen, Paul Dateh, Phil Wang and Wesley Chan. The youtube generation -- made it big on the interweb and gained fans by posting videos. Fans who now flock to events to see their Internet crushes in the flesh.

I went to a concert to raise awareness for Hepatitis B among Asian Americans. Performers included AJ Rafael, Kev Jumba, Happy Slip, Paul Dateh, and Kaba Modern. A pretty great show when it all comes down to it.

The thing that got to me most was how they came by their stardom. They all pretty much had the same humble roots and chanced upon this new youtube culture that is steadily gaining momentum and bursting forward into a new medium of pop culture. These artists are known mostly through their online persona -- youtube, twitter, facebook, what have you. What a strange world when fame starts on such a personal scale. It's a weird kind of celebrity, I guess...because it takes one to know one. One youtube junkie to recognize another. One talented artist to spend the time in front of the computer posting videos, and a distant fan spending the time to watch and listen, comment and subscribe.

Then the relationship that sprouts from that is weird as well. They're not used to fame, I don't think they expected it. It's still the beginning stages of "stardom" I guess you could say, blinking in the light of the flashbulbs and unable to turn down an offer. Still eager for fans and recognition, appreciative of support and encouraging more turnout. I guess it's a stage where they still HAVE to be nice. They're not famous enough or successful enough to turn down fans. Their reputation as an artist isn't developed enough for them to be selfish. So I must assume that it is incredibly taxing -- to keep smiling for photographs, keep talking and promoting, keep signing scooters...when all you really want is a damn burger and some peace and quiet.

I could never be famous. I used to dream of the glitz and glamour and people yelling my name and wanting my autograph. But now I know I'd never be able to deal with that kind of attention, I'd never be able to consistently be the STAR that everyone wants to see. I have my breakdowns and moments when I don't want to be anyone at all. And I guess I'd have to admit that I'm selfish enough to submit to these momentary emotional instabilities.

So as I discussed with Joyce as we nibbled our late night egg rolls, it's much better to be successful and well-known than famous and well-recognized. People who work behind the scenes still get the importance and influence as famous people do, but they don't get the swarms of eager fans, because fans don't really know what they look like. They get to eat their burgers in peace.

When I was younger I wished I had an instantly displayable talent. Things I did -- ice skating, piano, writing -- required some special arena or instrument. I couldn't just whip out a talent in the middle of the blacktop at recess like some singer could. I couldn't sprint around the track at warp speed, I couldn't do a backflip in the middle of the auditorium. I needed a rink or a piano or some kind of essay or piece to showcase my "talent".

Now I guess it's not such a bad thing. As a writer I could have influence, and perhaps even change the way people think and perceive the world. But I don't necessarily have to be physically recognized. I could write from the safety of my bedroom, growing nostril hairs to the tip of my chin with my head of hair uncombed and greasy and the world would probably never know. I could be the spitting image of the mean witch in Snow White, but nobody would really care as long as I wrote well enough. My picture could just be some outdated, photoshopped, airbrushed picture to be stamped at the head of a column every single week.

So I have a great deal of admiration for these people. They know what the public wants to see and they are able to cater to that, 24/7. It's not just when they're on stage. So major props to them.

I guess because of this, and because I wonder if they are happy with this chanced-upon fame, I get shy when I talk to them. I admire them so much, have so much to ask them about how they got to where they are, but usually I just clam up, ask for a picture, and then sidle away. I don't want to be a bother, and I'm unsure whether or not they're being honest when they say they don't mind. Who am I to keep them talking to me?

But I guess this is a skill I need to work on. I watched as some of my friends joked around with Paul Dateh -- as if he were a real person!! Unthinkable!! They even invited him to In N Out for a milkshake and I tagged along, at a loss of words and at the same time not wanting to seem like some dumb groupie. But yeah I'm definitely missing that aggressive/personable factor that turns people from celebrities to neighbors. Something I need to work on. I think it's a confidence thing.

---

Something else I struck upon tonight as I discussed Greek life with Omar. It's important to think about your place in the world from a 360 degree view. Who are you looking up to, who is looking up to you? Who is next to you, going through the same things that you are going through?

During my one week as a Greek (I can't get over this cheesy rhyme) I looked at the girls in the sororities and saw girls I could look up to, girls who could be like big sisters, to be asked advice and to be admired. I saw girls who I could be friends with, to discuss current problems and solve them side by side. And I even saw girls who I felt like I could be a leader for. When you find all three I guess it's a good match because you can grow in all directions.

Applying this theory to everyday life and the friends that I have now, I realize it's quite the same. People I talk to every day are people I look up to and want to emulate. There are people who are right beside me going through the same things that I am dealing with. And there are people beside me who I feel that I can offer guidance to. I think a balance between these three is what makes life interesting, because then it's not always the same thing being expected of you.

j'adore!

The vendor fair came to UCI today. One of my favorite weeks of the school year, hahah. Okay it's not really THAT amazing, but I just like seeing people out on Ring Road all the time.

Anyway, I caught an early bus to school and then spent $20 before class buying tops. After class I spent another $20 at the American Apparel booth...and because my bag was starting to get overstuffed because of my many purchases, I took a bus home to drop off my stuff.

I effectively wasted my intended one hour study period by buying t-shirts and then taking the t-shirts home. Next class was Earth System Science, where I fell asleep for five minutes after ignoring a rather random serenade while I found my seat. Yeah...anyway. The quiz in ESS was alright, I definitely need to purchase a textbook I guess. Bummer. MORE MONEY...

Afterwards I paid a visit to the vendor fair again, and then decided to appease my grumbling stomach with some DELICIOUS pizza. I'm very particular about crusts and this one hit the spot. Joyce and I also attended a Hepatitis B info session/art show in order to get free tickets for tonights concert.

A concert? TONIGHT? YES. I ran into some people advertising the "B free" awareness program and they told me that David Choi was performing tonight, among others. DAVID CHOI!!! YAY! I'm super thrrrrilled.

If all days were like today, life would be so nice and perfectly happy. Simple unfolding of little things, one after another. Happy happy happy.

I went with Mo over to UTC afterwards to get some sweets. Yogurt covered pretzels = my new best friend. Although the Koreans that own Sweet Tooth overprice these treats crazily, I am still a pretty consistent customer. SIGH, why do I spend money like I grow it in my backyard?!?! I DON'T!!! I don't even have a backyard!!!

UTC was interesting for two reasons:
1. Spotted J#1...and J#2. More on that later.
2. Received my second awkward phone call of the day. I feel like this is phone karma of some sort. Or rush karma. SOMETHING. Anyway this morning, I called my pledge mom to tell her that I was de-pledging from Gamma Phi Beta. It was kind of awkward with a lot of long empty pauses on her end, as well as some trailing off sentences and uncertainty and flustered lying on my part. But in the end the deed was done.
So then yeah, after de-pledging this, I get a call from alpha Kappa Delta Phi not six hours later informing me that they would LOVE to see me at their info night! Tonight! At 7pm! They really want to see me there!!!

Yeahh. I'm kind of done with the sorority thing. Why would they even want me? I'd probably just end up being the bitch that everyone hates but pretends to love, because we are "sisters" and happen to own the same clothing and know the same people.

MOVING ON. But yeah. OH. I made a creeper-y decision and convinced Mo that we NEEDED to go back on campus...for several reasons...one being that J#2 was headed that way. I'm not a stalker, I swear. But OKAY FINE it was pretty creepy on my part, I will admit. But the ultimate result was not a run-in with him, it was a run-in with other people that was actually much more enjoyable. Mini-errand running and mini-conversations were had, free shit was acquired, bathroom narration was listened to, and then I headed home fully satisfied and feeling very non-creepy.

Spy talk is so much fun. Target acquired! Abort mission, target is leaving the premises! LOL...

The stress of thinking about sorority stuff is now finally lifted and I feel like I can see so much clearer. I closed that door but opened several more today. I turned in an application for Yearbook at UCI, found out that I might be getting a position in ASUCI (not counting my chickens before they hatch!! CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME), and basically filled out my social schedule a little bit more. THANK GOODNESS for random run-ins with people I like.

So yeah, I'm in quite a chipper mood. The concert is at 6:30 so I'm planning to take the next two hours to be productive, catch up on work, etc. etc. My schedule feels so nice and empty without much to be pulling me back, only opportunities that I can choose to go to or choose to forget.

And today in French I learned how to say j'adore! How appropriate for a day that ended up being...adored? HA...I def need to practice my French.

EDIT
Okay, I was shamelessly lied to. I checked my twitter and David Choi is sick...and in Korea...WTF MATE. I guess I will still go, KevJumba and AJ Rafael are supposed to be there. Plus Kaba, always good to see. SIGH DAVID CHOI, WHY.

don't listen, don't read

I signed up to write for the New University (UCI's weekly newspaper) about a week ago, went to the meeting last Wednesday, and secured a position writing for Features. Well, kind of.

What they do is e-mail a list of topics they'd like to see pieces about. Today I got the first e-mail with a pretty extensive list of topics, I could see myself worming my way into writing a couple of those pieces. How well they turn out, I don't know and I can't really imagine.

Honestly though, I don't think I'm a journalistic writer. I'm more of a blogger. I will tell you about what goes through my head throughout the day, why I wore the shoes I wore, what I think about certain things. I will describe to you how I felt about something, what I'm wondering about something else. But I'm not a journalistic writer. I can't TELL you anything about the world...I only know me. Nothing really important. I'll write about details, maybe shoot for the big picture but miss entirely.

So who is going to read what I have to say? Nobody cares, I'm one in a million minds. I'm not established enough or opinionated enough or interesting enough for people to CARE about things that I care about. I'm not engaging enough to make you read this, so I turn out to be my only audience.

Can I change this? I guess I'll accept this challenge to myself. One thing I fear is accidentally assuming a presumptuous, know-it-all voice that is not really me. Don't try too hard, be yourself. So much easier said than done.

Here's to Mondays -- new beginnings, and forgetting about the past.

NOBODY READS ANYMORE, ANYWAY!!! So why bother WRITE?

My Anthro 2A professor asked the lecture hall, "How many of you are currently reading a novel for pleasure?"
I raised my hand.
Looked around.
There were probably five hands in the air.
"You guys are missing out on a world of knowledge."

Agreed...but we'd all rather socialize online, increase the number of our facebook friends and pretend to ourselves that we are popular and meaningful. Shallow social life, truly, and I'm guilty as charged. It's a necessary evil, like that extra kick in your coffee.