identity

I feel as though I don't know my own identity, but others seem to.

Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)

I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.

But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.

Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.

Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.

Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.

He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)

Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.

Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.

So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.

Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.

After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.

I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).

SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?

Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.

Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.

So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.

The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.

I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.

So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.

Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?

I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.

So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.

But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.

I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.

"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."

NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.

Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.

On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."

I was pretty thrilled.