where did she go?

From the outside looking in, everything is fine and dandy.
But something beneath the surface keeps on taking me away from that "happy place", and I can't even really put my finger on it. It seems like everything is pulling me in a thousand different directions, including my emotions. It's an up and down ride and although I've gotten used to just waiting until things level out again, it always sucks when you're at a lull for no apparent reason.

School is going fine. Classes are alright so far, I definitely have to devote a lot more time to really learning the material but that's actually something I'm looking forward to this weekend. Locking myself up, being alone, and getting work done. I don't want to even hear about the outside world. I just don't want to be around people right now.

Ideally, right now, I'd be at Memorial Park, sitting in the grass, sipping Jamba Juice with some favorites and just...not talking. Awake-napping and simply being, as honestly and purely as we could ever be.

But the reality is that I am here still, and this escape is not something that can be granted to me. So this is my escape instead, I think. I will admit I've been slumming it around the apartment in oversize t-shirts the past few days, confused about my own confusion and wondering at my disappointments and shortcomings. Ramen has been surprisingly comforting.

Seriously though I can't really put my finger on what it is that is disappointing me so much. Perhaps that is just adding to the frustration as well. Because really, if I had to describe my mood as of late, I guess I would just say frustrated. Do me a favor and send me bowls/glasses/plates that you don't want, so I can smash them in the parking lot. And I know studies show that this doesn't actually relieve any stress or anything, I just want to hear the crash. I can imagine it, it feels so satisfying.

Maybe I just haven't gotten a hundred percent settled.

It could be that, or it could be several other push-pull factors that leave me feeling stretched and stranded in between the two poles.

Do I want this meaningless, shallow, social life? It's important for me to be well-liked and well-known but is this really the way to go about it?
Shouldn't I determine for myself who I hang out with and who I want to get to know?
But even so I don't feel as though I can do that. I can't determine it for myself. There are so many people that are outside of my grasp, and some of them penetrate my bubble and seek something from me, but I don't know what. I just feel so distant, and those who are trying to inch closer to me are quite unwelcome at this point.

I guess I'm feeling superbly elitist. I don't want to be around people at all right now. I want the world to freeze, to give me 24 hours of unlost time, to read and sleep and think and write, to regain some damn sense of self. After that I'll be the person that everyone expects me to be.

I feel like such a moody teen, but I guess that is, in reality, what I am. "NOBODY UNDERSTAAAAAAANDS ME!!!!!" Cry me a river.

At the same time that all of this is happening, I hate myself for being so stupid. Because I know this is a phase and I KNOW that everything is actually fine. But I hate myself for submitting to this unknown frustration. I just need to take a breath.