Like I mentioned before, so much has been going on...but I find that the moments I enjoy the most are probably spent here, in front of my computer. Solitary confinement perhaps, but it's more calming for me.
Yes, I'm sitting in THE glum t-shirt, wearing my comfiest undies, contemplating my life.
Lately I've been so indecisive, a trait that I usually hate to find in both myself and others. But I really can't shake this right now, for some reason.
N gave me some good advice..
Bcz I am MEAN: don't undervalue the goodness of shallow social life
Bcz I am MEAN: just make sure you don't lose the ability to have it
I know for a fact I can have it. I'm desiring it less and less though, as the opportunity comes around more and more. And more and more, it's starting to feel like a task instead of something I enjoy. To go out, make an appearance, make people laugh, project this image that I could so readily pick up at the door and discard as I left.
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Today was a DGAF day. Need to have more of these.
I woke up around noon after having a confusing dream. Went to M's house to have an omelette and then started the day right -- at the mall. I proceeded to buy whatever I wanted without second guessing myself as often as I do. The result? Two pairs of new shoes, a couple of tops, and a skirt. An emptier wallet. A fuller stomach. But it was satisfying.
Afterwards we drove to Newport Beach. By this time it was around 7pm and getting pretty chilly, but it didn't matter much to me because the cold felt good. It felt real.
We sat on the sand as the world grew steadily darker around us. Releasing all the tension in my body and not caring whether or not sand got into my shorts, I lay back and saw one star in the light blue twilight. To my right, the faint post-sunset rainbow was fading, and to my left, the moon was rising. It was huge and calm, high above the dark beachfront houses. I lay in the cold sand thinking of absolutely nothing, watching the star sway above me, the clouds sliding past, and listening to the comforting roar of the ocean.
Something about the beach is so calming. It felt as though nothing could touch me. Nothing seemed to matter.
But then I came back and faced this confusion once more. I don't feel like myself, I feel like I've lost touch with what I really want.
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On a brighter note, I'm very excited to wear my new clothes...ha. And next week is Jason Mraz in Hollywoodddd! (:
1 comment:
Sighhhh same
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