FASHION SHOW TOMORROW? WHAT???
HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM
SO EXCITEDDDD. CAPS LOCK LEVEL EXCITED.
10.28.2009
10.25.2009
you could call it fiction
Isn't it all just some twisted bedtime story anyway? Things get so convoluted.
Living, telling, re-telling...lingering, essentially. Why is it so hard to drop these moments as they come, leave them in our mind to age gracefully, instead of re-iterating and re-living. But that's the simple truth; it's hard to just live moment-to-moment. That's not how we're wired, I guess.
---
Last night I won a BP tournament with J! Haha, whether by sheer skill or piecing together of lucky occurrences, we left the apartment at 3 AM with a nice little keg as our trophy. It's now sitting in my room...and I don't really know what to do with it. Whatever.
I went to his place for some late night nibbling and then he knocked out in about 2 seconds flat, so I turned off the lights, snuck out the door, and headed home.
VDC was shrouded in fog last night. I walked with a purpose but enjoyed it all the same; there was a duality in that I wanted to get home and I also wanted to shake this feeling that had suddenly seized me. I admired the effect of the street lights lost blurred amidst the fog and fantasized about creepy figures emerging from the haze ahead of me. But I wasn't really scared...the solitude and quiet was peaceful and I felt very calm, and a lot more content than I've been in a while.
I need to take walks like these more...people here don't walk!
Today I woke up and decided a little me-day would be good. I'm surprisingly productive and happy thus far, got my laundry done, ran into friends twice and by a twist of fate perhaps, ended up having a nice little late lunch with them. Serendipity, how you please me. Now I just have to study for French, and if I'm productive enough I'm going to retire early and read my Elle magazine before dozing off.
Another week is starting and it's safe to say I have certain goals.
RJ, I'm copying you today. Songs of the moment:
Street Lights - Kanye West
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
So Beautiful - Dashboard Confessional
A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
In My Life - The Beatles
You & I Both - Jason Mraz
Song for a Friend - Jason Mraz
Living, telling, re-telling...lingering, essentially. Why is it so hard to drop these moments as they come, leave them in our mind to age gracefully, instead of re-iterating and re-living. But that's the simple truth; it's hard to just live moment-to-moment. That's not how we're wired, I guess.
---
Last night I won a BP tournament with J! Haha, whether by sheer skill or piecing together of lucky occurrences, we left the apartment at 3 AM with a nice little keg as our trophy. It's now sitting in my room...and I don't really know what to do with it. Whatever.
I went to his place for some late night nibbling and then he knocked out in about 2 seconds flat, so I turned off the lights, snuck out the door, and headed home.
VDC was shrouded in fog last night. I walked with a purpose but enjoyed it all the same; there was a duality in that I wanted to get home and I also wanted to shake this feeling that had suddenly seized me. I admired the effect of the street lights lost blurred amidst the fog and fantasized about creepy figures emerging from the haze ahead of me. But I wasn't really scared...the solitude and quiet was peaceful and I felt very calm, and a lot more content than I've been in a while.
I need to take walks like these more...people here don't walk!
Today I woke up and decided a little me-day would be good. I'm surprisingly productive and happy thus far, got my laundry done, ran into friends twice and by a twist of fate perhaps, ended up having a nice little late lunch with them. Serendipity, how you please me. Now I just have to study for French, and if I'm productive enough I'm going to retire early and read my Elle magazine before dozing off.
Another week is starting and it's safe to say I have certain goals.
RJ, I'm copying you today. Songs of the moment:
Street Lights - Kanye West
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
So Beautiful - Dashboard Confessional
A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
In My Life - The Beatles
You & I Both - Jason Mraz
Song for a Friend - Jason Mraz
10.23.2009
words of wisdom
Today started off semi-rough.
I had a French quiz this morning...and if you didn't see my status, you will now.
Chery Sutjahjo: LOL FML french quiz: he asked me who is the laziest in my family, i answered by telling him where i keep my spare umbrellas....HAHAHAHA FAIL
YEAHHH so, paresseux and parapluie definitely NOT the same thing. I was basically laughing my head off the whole time as he reviewed the quiz and went over the answers. Because my answer, instead of saying something along the lines of "I am the laziest in my family" or something like that, was more like "In the closet." .......HAHAHA.
Good thing I have a midterm on Tuesday. WIN! Actually I'm a LOT better at written as opposed to oral testing, so I'm not supremely worried about this. Still. Studying to be done.
Anyway...some random little tidbits have been needling at me much more too. I don't know why I'm being so touchy today, but there was some SERIOUS vibin going on.
VIBIN - Vicious Inner Bitchin. Occurs when I am not a good mood and start mentally hating on every living being on this planet for no apparent reason. This never translates to vocal bitchin, which is good. Just turns my head into some crazy place for the time being.
Yeah so I was hardcore vibin for a large portion of today, I don't really know why. Thankfully my buddy Meher knows whats up, and when I texted him telling him about my weird mood, he responded:
Fuck'em Friday, noun - a spontaneous occurrence of extreme vibin, usually occurring on, but not limited to, a Friday. Reason for occurrence: bitches ain't shit. Ex, "man, fuck'em Friday, I'm vibin on these hoes."
I loled in the middle of class.
Anyway the rest of the day was satisfactory, and this weekend should be ultimate rest time. Not much planned and I'm enjoying it the way that it is. DGAF weekend for sure! GOD I need to stop with these weird terms.
ALSO, I HAVE A NEW BABY:
HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM
more lifestyle, less whining. please add!
I had a French quiz this morning...and if you didn't see my status, you will now.
Chery Sutjahjo: LOL FML french quiz: he asked me who is the laziest in my family, i answered by telling him where i keep my spare umbrellas....HAHAHAHA FAIL
YEAHHH so, paresseux and parapluie definitely NOT the same thing. I was basically laughing my head off the whole time as he reviewed the quiz and went over the answers. Because my answer, instead of saying something along the lines of "I am the laziest in my family" or something like that, was more like "In the closet." .......HAHAHA.
Good thing I have a midterm on Tuesday. WIN! Actually I'm a LOT better at written as opposed to oral testing, so I'm not supremely worried about this. Still. Studying to be done.
Anyway...some random little tidbits have been needling at me much more too. I don't know why I'm being so touchy today, but there was some SERIOUS vibin going on.
VIBIN - Vicious Inner Bitchin. Occurs when I am not a good mood and start mentally hating on every living being on this planet for no apparent reason. This never translates to vocal bitchin, which is good. Just turns my head into some crazy place for the time being.
Yeah so I was hardcore vibin for a large portion of today, I don't really know why. Thankfully my buddy Meher knows whats up, and when I texted him telling him about my weird mood, he responded:
Fuck'em Friday, noun - a spontaneous occurrence of extreme vibin, usually occurring on, but not limited to, a Friday. Reason for occurrence: bitches ain't shit. Ex, "man, fuck'em Friday, I'm vibin on these hoes."
I loled in the middle of class.
Anyway the rest of the day was satisfactory, and this weekend should be ultimate rest time. Not much planned and I'm enjoying it the way that it is. DGAF weekend for sure! GOD I need to stop with these weird terms.
ALSO, I HAVE A NEW BABY:
HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM
more lifestyle, less whining. please add!
10.19.2009
identity
I feel as though I don't know my own identity, but others seem to.
Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)
I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.
But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.
Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.
Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.
Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.
He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)
Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.
Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.
So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.
Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.
After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.
I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).
SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?
Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.
Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.
So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.
The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.
I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.
So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.
Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?
I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.
So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.
But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.
I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.
"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."
NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.
Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.
Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.
On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."
I was pretty thrilled.
Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)
I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.
But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.
Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.
Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.
Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.
He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)
Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.
Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.
So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.
Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.
After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.
I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).
SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?
Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.
Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.
So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.
The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.
I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.
So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.
Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?
I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.
So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.
But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.
I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.
"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."
NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.
Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.
Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.
On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."
I was pretty thrilled.
10.12.2009
no thing, nothing
So guys. Monday is apparently wake-up call day, Chery doesn't have a thing day.
That's right. A thing. Especially now, it's noticeable. People have THINGS...C has her dance/photo/fashion thing, A has the architecture and the dance thing, N has his political thing, T has his biology business, M has the music thing...need I continue? Oh it's not only home people who have things (I hope you don't feel like I'm pointing fingers), UCI people have more things. Seriously everyone and their mother AND their dog is pledging for a sorority/fraternity (not that I'm jealous) but that counts as a thing!!! M has her SPOP/being friends with everybody thing, J has like a thousand different things, all of which are resume boosting AND enjoyable for her, S has freakin TRIATHLON CLUB...where does this leave me?? THING LESS!!! I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE GYMMMMM.
At least I have TRIED things...right? Sorority thing? Tried it for a week, wasn't for me. Lots of frustration and confusion on my part there but a good and worthwhile experience when it all comes down to it. And it's taught me to grow up as a person too.
So what makes me notice, even more tonight than ever before, that I don't have a thing?? Well, I ran into a summer friend on the bus today, and he managed to convince me to go to a dance workshop. So I went. I was pretty psyched, I was like, YES, I did one boogiezone class over the summer, a couple hiphop classes last year, flight school in Meher's garage, TOTALLY legit. It was like, time to get back on the dance crack!! YES. I thought I could easily make dance my thing. I mean, everyone here dances. Not that hard, right?
Fast forward about one hour, Chery = chopped and screwed. Not in the good way. Yeah okay so maybe I shouldn't have gone back to the dance crack by diving head first into a workshop for PROS. It's like after you have a hangover you go out again and then start the night by taking 10 shots in a row, BAM, no bueno. Okay that didn't really make sense BUT I think you get my jist.
Yeah so it was a pretty demeaning hour. I felt about one inch tall. And lemme tell ya, there were like PEOPLE I KNOW there, and I talked to them, so they KNOW I went. This was none of the James Bond under-the-radar secretly training to be Ciara type shit, this was like OH HEY YOU'RE HERE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DANCED, COOL. Yeah I don't dance guys. And they didn't believe me either, so when I failed it was like, "wow she wasn't being modest, she does suck." And since they all know I was there, cause I talked to them (mistake) they also all know that I left about 2 hours early...
But HONESTLY swear to GOD, I thought the girl said "bathroom run!" In actuality she said "back to front" which is why everyone started shuffling around and rearranging. You can see how that would be confusing right? But yeah I saw it as an opportunity to roll out, cause come on, that was not really where I was meant to be at that moment in time. Plus my friend was like hardcore hating her life right then and I felt supersuper bad for dragging her with me on my druggie quest for dance crack...so yeah we peaced out. Not a shining moment for me because leaving involved walking past the front of the basketball courts...where everyone was facing, trying to learn this super legit piece...yeaaaah.
High five self, at least I tried, RIGHT?
So, dance. NOT MY THING.
I went home and cooked myself six potstickers, extra browned and crispy and delicious, to make myself feel better. All the while I vented to my roomie about how I don't have a thing. So then I segmented off my life into past things and future things and present things.
THINGS I ONCE HAD
-the ice skating thing. Can't really go back to it now, it's just a side thing. Not even really a thing. Even when I actually had it I didn't appreciate it at it's full value, and then I quit, so anyway it's NOT my thing.
-piano thing, again, QUIT. Such a quitter, fml.
-I guess I had the yearbook thing in high school. Again, does not translate into college life.
-Girl Scout. Um...didn't officially quit, just kind of gradually drained it out of my life. Not a thing.
Which leaves me with no things.
THINGS I TRIED TO HAVE
-New U: well, basically, I failed at writing an article for the first week because I'm too busy...killing flies or something. This week there are more pieces that I can write and I am going to strap myself to my chair with the new belt I bought until something worth reading comes out of my fingertips or I sit there long enough until I starve and lose a thousand pounds and slip out from under the belt, whichever comes first.
-Dance: HAAA, see above. I still want this to be a thing in my life but I need baby steps guys! And everyone here is freaking good already so my baby steps are like...lost among their running man steps. HA, reference to a dance "picture" that I semi-learned today, omg, I am being such a poser trying to sound like a pro right now. Moving right along.
-Sorority thing: Can I get a nice, rousing "NAY"? Nay.
Still have nothing.
So what do I do with my life then? REALLY, REALLY? 24 hours a day, and usually I am awake for about at least 14 of them, so what the eff am I doing all day?
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE RECENT PAST:
-overcame my disgust for flies and killed around 4 of them yesterday in a panic-induced killing frenzy spurred by my roommate and friend. Then proceeded to vacuum up the guts and corpses, and then rewarded myself with a pizookie.
-I bought really cute shoes today. I'm wearing them right now, and they are possibly the only things making me happy at this moment in time.
-I had a really delicious breakfast burrito, and now my grocery list includes breakfast burrito ingredients. I also have a new list of movies to see, including one called "Nobody" which is pretty much how I feel right now. Go watch the trailer and then take me to the movie, THANKS.
-I think I got a 3/3 on my quiz today for Earth System Science.....YAAAAAY.
And not much else... I guess...
Okay it has also been brought to my attention that I keep telling people that I'm a journalism major, but I haven't even declared yet, so BASICALLY I've been lying to everyone I've met since Week 0...SORRY GUYS.
Jacki and I tried to figure out what my thing is as she cooked me dessert. When I say dessert, I mean deep fried nutella wrapped in wonton skins and then sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Jacki: I'm not sure if they'll be good...let's just try it and then pretend this never happened if they suck.
Chery: Jacki. They have chocolate, sugar, and are deep fried. They HAVE to be good. Rule of nature.
And then after that we kind of died and stopped talking cause we were busy stuffing our faces.
Anyway, trying to figure out my thing...
Jacki: You like reading!! That's a thing!!
Chery: JACKI. ANYONE CAN READ. THAT'S NOT MY THING.
But yeah, things that I AM good at include...
-reading. WOOOO
-eating, especially fried things or sweet things, or salty things. Or all of the above.
-spending unnecessary money on unnecessary items, like good clothes or good food.
-venting
-making fun of people, probably. Verbally or mentally...sneakily or otherwise.
-procrastinating (like what I'm doing now)
-making lists.
-...texting
and surprise, surprise, these are ALL THINGS that basically ANY human being on this whole Earth can do. So basically I'm a non-unique waste of oxygen. Haaa...
I think my problem is I just can't commit to things. Maybe I should just pick a thing, and stop flirting with too many things, and then openly ask the thing to be in a relationship with me, and then change my status on facebook, and then spend all my time with this thing such that people will say, "Oh, Chery? Yeah, she's that girl! She has that _____ thing."
I mean, as of right now, I don't even know how people classify me. Not that I want to be classified, but I especially don't want to be known as thing-less girl, or be defined by who I hang out with. "Oh, Chery? Yeah she's always with that SPOP/dance/Frat/Sorority girl/boy."
But no. I fail at committing to things in general. I will have lunch with you later this week but I will probably forget who you are by the end of the month. So how am I supposed to pick a thing and love that thing for ever and ever??? I freaking get tired of my outfit by the end of the day, dammit.
I don't even want any sympathy right now, don't tell me I'm not a failure. JUST TELL ME I'M A FAILURE, maybe then I'll get a move on and DO something about it for once, instead of vent to my three online readers. And DON'T EVEN say the "writing thing" because one, I have been lying to people about that being my major, two, the only writing I do right now is blogging which hardly counts and making lists of things to do which counts even less, and then copying lecture notes which counts the least because I'm hardly even thinking as I sit there vacuously copying slide after slide, and three I haven't even written an article for the New U yet, and let me be frank, it's not like it's a huge struggle to do. I just...haven't. If writing was my thing I'd have churned out like a thousand articles by now and been crowned unofficial staff writer of the month.
SIGH. It's fine. This is an optimistic kind of depression... and thus begins the search for my thing. At least I don't have swine flu, having swine flu as your thing is worse than having no thing at all. Praise the skies.
That's right. A thing. Especially now, it's noticeable. People have THINGS...C has her dance/photo/fashion thing, A has the architecture and the dance thing, N has his political thing, T has his biology business, M has the music thing...need I continue? Oh it's not only home people who have things (I hope you don't feel like I'm pointing fingers), UCI people have more things. Seriously everyone and their mother AND their dog is pledging for a sorority/fraternity (not that I'm jealous) but that counts as a thing!!! M has her SPOP/being friends with everybody thing, J has like a thousand different things, all of which are resume boosting AND enjoyable for her, S has freakin TRIATHLON CLUB...where does this leave me?? THING LESS!!! I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE GYMMMMM.
At least I have TRIED things...right? Sorority thing? Tried it for a week, wasn't for me. Lots of frustration and confusion on my part there but a good and worthwhile experience when it all comes down to it. And it's taught me to grow up as a person too.
So what makes me notice, even more tonight than ever before, that I don't have a thing?? Well, I ran into a summer friend on the bus today, and he managed to convince me to go to a dance workshop. So I went. I was pretty psyched, I was like, YES, I did one boogiezone class over the summer, a couple hiphop classes last year, flight school in Meher's garage, TOTALLY legit. It was like, time to get back on the dance crack!! YES. I thought I could easily make dance my thing. I mean, everyone here dances. Not that hard, right?
Fast forward about one hour, Chery = chopped and screwed. Not in the good way. Yeah okay so maybe I shouldn't have gone back to the dance crack by diving head first into a workshop for PROS. It's like after you have a hangover you go out again and then start the night by taking 10 shots in a row, BAM, no bueno. Okay that didn't really make sense BUT I think you get my jist.
Yeah so it was a pretty demeaning hour. I felt about one inch tall. And lemme tell ya, there were like PEOPLE I KNOW there, and I talked to them, so they KNOW I went. This was none of the James Bond under-the-radar secretly training to be Ciara type shit, this was like OH HEY YOU'RE HERE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DANCED, COOL. Yeah I don't dance guys. And they didn't believe me either, so when I failed it was like, "wow she wasn't being modest, she does suck." And since they all know I was there, cause I talked to them (mistake) they also all know that I left about 2 hours early...
But HONESTLY swear to GOD, I thought the girl said "bathroom run!" In actuality she said "back to front" which is why everyone started shuffling around and rearranging. You can see how that would be confusing right? But yeah I saw it as an opportunity to roll out, cause come on, that was not really where I was meant to be at that moment in time. Plus my friend was like hardcore hating her life right then and I felt supersuper bad for dragging her with me on my druggie quest for dance crack...so yeah we peaced out. Not a shining moment for me because leaving involved walking past the front of the basketball courts...where everyone was facing, trying to learn this super legit piece...yeaaaah.
High five self, at least I tried, RIGHT?
So, dance. NOT MY THING.
I went home and cooked myself six potstickers, extra browned and crispy and delicious, to make myself feel better. All the while I vented to my roomie about how I don't have a thing. So then I segmented off my life into past things and future things and present things.
THINGS I ONCE HAD
-the ice skating thing. Can't really go back to it now, it's just a side thing. Not even really a thing. Even when I actually had it I didn't appreciate it at it's full value, and then I quit, so anyway it's NOT my thing.
-piano thing, again, QUIT. Such a quitter, fml.
-I guess I had the yearbook thing in high school. Again, does not translate into college life.
-Girl Scout. Um...didn't officially quit, just kind of gradually drained it out of my life. Not a thing.
Which leaves me with no things.
THINGS I TRIED TO HAVE
-New U: well, basically, I failed at writing an article for the first week because I'm too busy...killing flies or something. This week there are more pieces that I can write and I am going to strap myself to my chair with the new belt I bought until something worth reading comes out of my fingertips or I sit there long enough until I starve and lose a thousand pounds and slip out from under the belt, whichever comes first.
-Dance: HAAA, see above. I still want this to be a thing in my life but I need baby steps guys! And everyone here is freaking good already so my baby steps are like...lost among their running man steps. HA, reference to a dance "picture" that I semi-learned today, omg, I am being such a poser trying to sound like a pro right now. Moving right along.
-Sorority thing: Can I get a nice, rousing "NAY"? Nay.
Still have nothing.
So what do I do with my life then? REALLY, REALLY? 24 hours a day, and usually I am awake for about at least 14 of them, so what the eff am I doing all day?
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE RECENT PAST:
-overcame my disgust for flies and killed around 4 of them yesterday in a panic-induced killing frenzy spurred by my roommate and friend. Then proceeded to vacuum up the guts and corpses, and then rewarded myself with a pizookie.
-I bought really cute shoes today. I'm wearing them right now, and they are possibly the only things making me happy at this moment in time.
-I had a really delicious breakfast burrito, and now my grocery list includes breakfast burrito ingredients. I also have a new list of movies to see, including one called "Nobody" which is pretty much how I feel right now. Go watch the trailer and then take me to the movie, THANKS.
-I think I got a 3/3 on my quiz today for Earth System Science.....YAAAAAY.
And not much else... I guess...
Okay it has also been brought to my attention that I keep telling people that I'm a journalism major, but I haven't even declared yet, so BASICALLY I've been lying to everyone I've met since Week 0...SORRY GUYS.
Jacki and I tried to figure out what my thing is as she cooked me dessert. When I say dessert, I mean deep fried nutella wrapped in wonton skins and then sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Jacki: I'm not sure if they'll be good...let's just try it and then pretend this never happened if they suck.
Chery: Jacki. They have chocolate, sugar, and are deep fried. They HAVE to be good. Rule of nature.
And then after that we kind of died and stopped talking cause we were busy stuffing our faces.
Anyway, trying to figure out my thing...
Jacki: You like reading!! That's a thing!!
Chery: JACKI. ANYONE CAN READ. THAT'S NOT MY THING.
But yeah, things that I AM good at include...
-reading. WOOOO
-eating, especially fried things or sweet things, or salty things. Or all of the above.
-spending unnecessary money on unnecessary items, like good clothes or good food.
-venting
-making fun of people, probably. Verbally or mentally...sneakily or otherwise.
-procrastinating (like what I'm doing now)
-making lists.
-...texting
and surprise, surprise, these are ALL THINGS that basically ANY human being on this whole Earth can do. So basically I'm a non-unique waste of oxygen. Haaa...
I think my problem is I just can't commit to things. Maybe I should just pick a thing, and stop flirting with too many things, and then openly ask the thing to be in a relationship with me, and then change my status on facebook, and then spend all my time with this thing such that people will say, "Oh, Chery? Yeah, she's that girl! She has that _____ thing."
I mean, as of right now, I don't even know how people classify me. Not that I want to be classified, but I especially don't want to be known as thing-less girl, or be defined by who I hang out with. "Oh, Chery? Yeah she's always with that SPOP/dance/Frat/Sorority girl/boy."
But no. I fail at committing to things in general. I will have lunch with you later this week but I will probably forget who you are by the end of the month. So how am I supposed to pick a thing and love that thing for ever and ever??? I freaking get tired of my outfit by the end of the day, dammit.
I don't even want any sympathy right now, don't tell me I'm not a failure. JUST TELL ME I'M A FAILURE, maybe then I'll get a move on and DO something about it for once, instead of vent to my three online readers. And DON'T EVEN say the "writing thing" because one, I have been lying to people about that being my major, two, the only writing I do right now is blogging which hardly counts and making lists of things to do which counts even less, and then copying lecture notes which counts the least because I'm hardly even thinking as I sit there vacuously copying slide after slide, and three I haven't even written an article for the New U yet, and let me be frank, it's not like it's a huge struggle to do. I just...haven't. If writing was my thing I'd have churned out like a thousand articles by now and been crowned unofficial staff writer of the month.
SIGH. It's fine. This is an optimistic kind of depression... and thus begins the search for my thing. At least I don't have swine flu, having swine flu as your thing is worse than having no thing at all. Praise the skies.
10.11.2009
your mind is rather reckless
Jason Mraz concert last night! (:
It started off on a disappointing note. They played a video basically advertising the Gratitude Cafe and, I felt that he was forcing his beliefs on us, the audience... it felt kind of preachy. Mraz has turned into a hypnotic hippie, au-natural musician, zen-god of some sort. His music has definitely changed but it's a change that I embrace and enjoy. However when he tries to spread his influence through informational documentary-esque videos rather than through his music...well, needless to say, I object.
Anyway, the amazing part of the concert came soon enough. He played some old favorites, we sing/dance/steal things songs, as well as some new songs that I haven't heard before (What Would Love Do Now). By far my favorite songs were A Beautiful Mess and You & I Both...because, well, they're my favorite songs. His voice is so amazing live. Three times for Mraz, more coming for sure.
Other favorite moments:
-speaking French (:
-he sang part of Lucky in Spanish...swoon.
"Anything you want can be yours at any time."
He got his message across without any help from that useless video. I don't know... there's something of a freedom in what he sings about and what he conveys.
---
On another note... I don't know what to make of the dreams I keep having. Have you ever had a recurring dream? Or in this case, a recurring dream figure? I can't understand this discrepancy between waking and dreaming, and the sharp switch from sleep to wake rattles me every morning, and I think it's the cause for me waking up glum and ill at ease.
Maybe I'm taking these dreams too seriously, but I've always been a strong believer that dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something that your conscious decides to ignore. I've always looked up symbols and remembered my dreams and pondered over them, wondering what my waking self is missing that my dreaming self knows so well. I always take vivid dreams as wake-up calls...which is kind of ironic, I guess. Should I stop taking my dreams so seriously? Are they merely fantastical, convoluted imagery connected by a confused and over-worked waking mind? Or are they really...actually, substantial?
---
Today, in concert hangover tradition, has been spent lazily and Mrazily. It's almost 1, I want to go back in bed, read a magazine, listen to my LOVAH, forget the world exists. Today I want my room and nothing else...maybe a cookie. Some nice company would be nice later on too.
J and I talked last night about college friends and home friends. It was nice to hear that someone is feeling how I am feeling, and thinking the thoughts that I am thinking. At school, everyone is in it for themselves. I think I need to work on remembering this more.
Duties await. Til next time...which will probably be very very soon. Is October my blog-frenzy month or something???
<3
It started off on a disappointing note. They played a video basically advertising the Gratitude Cafe and, I felt that he was forcing his beliefs on us, the audience... it felt kind of preachy. Mraz has turned into a hypnotic hippie, au-natural musician, zen-god of some sort. His music has definitely changed but it's a change that I embrace and enjoy. However when he tries to spread his influence through informational documentary-esque videos rather than through his music...well, needless to say, I object.
Anyway, the amazing part of the concert came soon enough. He played some old favorites, we sing/dance/steal things songs, as well as some new songs that I haven't heard before (What Would Love Do Now). By far my favorite songs were A Beautiful Mess and You & I Both...because, well, they're my favorite songs. His voice is so amazing live. Three times for Mraz, more coming for sure.
Other favorite moments:
-speaking French (:
-he sang part of Lucky in Spanish...swoon.
"Anything you want can be yours at any time."
He got his message across without any help from that useless video. I don't know... there's something of a freedom in what he sings about and what he conveys.
---
On another note... I don't know what to make of the dreams I keep having. Have you ever had a recurring dream? Or in this case, a recurring dream figure? I can't understand this discrepancy between waking and dreaming, and the sharp switch from sleep to wake rattles me every morning, and I think it's the cause for me waking up glum and ill at ease.
Maybe I'm taking these dreams too seriously, but I've always been a strong believer that dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something that your conscious decides to ignore. I've always looked up symbols and remembered my dreams and pondered over them, wondering what my waking self is missing that my dreaming self knows so well. I always take vivid dreams as wake-up calls...which is kind of ironic, I guess. Should I stop taking my dreams so seriously? Are they merely fantastical, convoluted imagery connected by a confused and over-worked waking mind? Or are they really...actually, substantial?
---
Today, in concert hangover tradition, has been spent lazily and Mrazily. It's almost 1, I want to go back in bed, read a magazine, listen to my LOVAH, forget the world exists. Today I want my room and nothing else...maybe a cookie. Some nice company would be nice later on too.
J and I talked last night about college friends and home friends. It was nice to hear that someone is feeling how I am feeling, and thinking the thoughts that I am thinking. At school, everyone is in it for themselves. I think I need to work on remembering this more.
Duties await. Til next time...which will probably be very very soon. Is October my blog-frenzy month or something???
<3
10.09.2009
cruise control
Here we are! The end of the week has finally been reached. For the most part I spent it in autopilot -- which I'm sure you guys understand, if not from your own lives, but from my recent blog posts. Yeah, I've been complaining. Or not complaining specifically but wondering and over-thinking too much, as usual, I guess.
Every day felt like the same thing again and again. Maybe it's because I have to wake up at the same time every day, that when I turn and see the clock hands pointing at 8:30 AM every morning, it just feels like some weird deja vu, as if I'm heading into a day that I've already lived through once before.
So it was school, that was routine enough. Work, very routine. Even social functions & friendships are getting strained as everyone starts to divert their attention to their own lives and own interests. It's not necessarily that I'm feeling left behind...maybe just that everyone is so certain of what they want, and I'm a little more susceptible to just floating for a while.
Anyway, I cruise controlled myself through the week and ended up here, this paradise of a Friday afternoon. I'm planning on cleaning/reorganizing my room because...busy weeks = messy rooms, complete with clothes cast aside as they were deemed unworthy outfit choices. I need to plan my weekend and get started on writing a piece for the new U which is due this Sunday. I need to catch up on notes/readings from the week...
This is starting to turn into a to-do list, and I already have too many of those.
Things I am looking forward to:
-football game tonight between 2 frats. (: I'm pretty good friends with one of the frats and they invited me to come out and support. I'm excited -- I miss watching football, as little as I understand it. I miss HIGH SCHOOL and HOMECOMING, sigh sigh sigh.
-JASON MRAZ concert on Saturday! To be honest at this moment I'm not supremely thrilled or anything...but I suppose that's just because I'm in mellowed-out finally-Friday stage. A good nights sleep and a little bit of fun will definitely change that for me.
But yeah lately I've been feeling like a granny. Not wanting to do much, just wanting to get to bed early or have a little ME time. I should seriously start learning how to knit and/or play bridge.
Every day felt like the same thing again and again. Maybe it's because I have to wake up at the same time every day, that when I turn and see the clock hands pointing at 8:30 AM every morning, it just feels like some weird deja vu, as if I'm heading into a day that I've already lived through once before.
So it was school, that was routine enough. Work, very routine. Even social functions & friendships are getting strained as everyone starts to divert their attention to their own lives and own interests. It's not necessarily that I'm feeling left behind...maybe just that everyone is so certain of what they want, and I'm a little more susceptible to just floating for a while.
Anyway, I cruise controlled myself through the week and ended up here, this paradise of a Friday afternoon. I'm planning on cleaning/reorganizing my room because...busy weeks = messy rooms, complete with clothes cast aside as they were deemed unworthy outfit choices. I need to plan my weekend and get started on writing a piece for the new U which is due this Sunday. I need to catch up on notes/readings from the week...
This is starting to turn into a to-do list, and I already have too many of those.
Things I am looking forward to:
-football game tonight between 2 frats. (: I'm pretty good friends with one of the frats and they invited me to come out and support. I'm excited -- I miss watching football, as little as I understand it. I miss HIGH SCHOOL and HOMECOMING, sigh sigh sigh.
-JASON MRAZ concert on Saturday! To be honest at this moment I'm not supremely thrilled or anything...but I suppose that's just because I'm in mellowed-out finally-Friday stage. A good nights sleep and a little bit of fun will definitely change that for me.
But yeah lately I've been feeling like a granny. Not wanting to do much, just wanting to get to bed early or have a little ME time. I should seriously start learning how to knit and/or play bridge.
10.07.2009
is this it?
Is this what the future holds? I feel like I'm merely keeping myself occupied, filling the space between the times when my head leaves and hits the pillow. When does it start meaning something? When does it start becoming more than a title and become a part of who you are?
In other news I got a position as an intern for the Vendor Fairs at ASUCI.
In other other news...I went about today feeling very antisocial. A lot of times I noticed that I wasn't smiling. I don't really know why, maybe it was just one of THOSE days.
In other news I got a position as an intern for the Vendor Fairs at ASUCI.
In other other news...I went about today feeling very antisocial. A lot of times I noticed that I wasn't smiling. I don't really know why, maybe it was just one of THOSE days.
end of the day blues
Work is really starting to pile up, I'm feeling like I'm falling behind. I'm starting to get a little worried about my schedule too. Juggling school, work, social life, SLEEP, and a smattering of other things I'm trying to get involved in. Still waiting on a call from ASUCI (still crossing my fingers), haven't yet gotten around to writing a piece for the New U, and have just recently started trying to figure out how H.O.T tutoring is going to fit in to my schedule.
I will admit I'm getting a little stressed about how hectic things may be getting...but perhaps it's solely because things are still settling. Once my schedule gets a bit more stable maybe I'll feel more secure.
It just seems like time passes so quickly these days and I can't ever really get around to everything I want to do. Suddenly it's 12 midnight and I'm reminding myself to head to bed, gotta be up at 8:30 to get ready for yet another day.
On the bright side I'm never bored...there are always things to look forward to and I'm always pre-planning and making lists of things to accomplish. Goals goals goals...but sometimes perhaps too many? I just feel that my plate last year was so empty, that now, maybe my eyes are bigger than my stomach. We'll see...I'm gonna jump into this full speed and see if I crash and burn.
Still feels like somethings a little lacking. I'd love to sit and think and talk fluidly for a long time, without worrying about time or another topic to discuss.
I will admit I'm getting a little stressed about how hectic things may be getting...but perhaps it's solely because things are still settling. Once my schedule gets a bit more stable maybe I'll feel more secure.
It just seems like time passes so quickly these days and I can't ever really get around to everything I want to do. Suddenly it's 12 midnight and I'm reminding myself to head to bed, gotta be up at 8:30 to get ready for yet another day.
On the bright side I'm never bored...there are always things to look forward to and I'm always pre-planning and making lists of things to accomplish. Goals goals goals...but sometimes perhaps too many? I just feel that my plate last year was so empty, that now, maybe my eyes are bigger than my stomach. We'll see...I'm gonna jump into this full speed and see if I crash and burn.
Still feels like somethings a little lacking. I'd love to sit and think and talk fluidly for a long time, without worrying about time or another topic to discuss.
10.06.2009
celebrity
In-N-Out was the place to be on Monday night, especially if you're usually a person who sits in front of their computer on Monday nights.
All under one roof: AJ Rafael, Christine "Happy Slip", Kev Jumba, Uncle Same, Scott Yoshimoto, Cathy Nguyen, Paul Dateh, Phil Wang and Wesley Chan. The youtube generation -- made it big on the interweb and gained fans by posting videos. Fans who now flock to events to see their Internet crushes in the flesh.
I went to a concert to raise awareness for Hepatitis B among Asian Americans. Performers included AJ Rafael, Kev Jumba, Happy Slip, Paul Dateh, and Kaba Modern. A pretty great show when it all comes down to it.
The thing that got to me most was how they came by their stardom. They all pretty much had the same humble roots and chanced upon this new youtube culture that is steadily gaining momentum and bursting forward into a new medium of pop culture. These artists are known mostly through their online persona -- youtube, twitter, facebook, what have you. What a strange world when fame starts on such a personal scale. It's a weird kind of celebrity, I guess...because it takes one to know one. One youtube junkie to recognize another. One talented artist to spend the time in front of the computer posting videos, and a distant fan spending the time to watch and listen, comment and subscribe.
Then the relationship that sprouts from that is weird as well. They're not used to fame, I don't think they expected it. It's still the beginning stages of "stardom" I guess you could say, blinking in the light of the flashbulbs and unable to turn down an offer. Still eager for fans and recognition, appreciative of support and encouraging more turnout. I guess it's a stage where they still HAVE to be nice. They're not famous enough or successful enough to turn down fans. Their reputation as an artist isn't developed enough for them to be selfish. So I must assume that it is incredibly taxing -- to keep smiling for photographs, keep talking and promoting, keep signing scooters...when all you really want is a damn burger and some peace and quiet.
I could never be famous. I used to dream of the glitz and glamour and people yelling my name and wanting my autograph. But now I know I'd never be able to deal with that kind of attention, I'd never be able to consistently be the STAR that everyone wants to see. I have my breakdowns and moments when I don't want to be anyone at all. And I guess I'd have to admit that I'm selfish enough to submit to these momentary emotional instabilities.
So as I discussed with Joyce as we nibbled our late night egg rolls, it's much better to be successful and well-known than famous and well-recognized. People who work behind the scenes still get the importance and influence as famous people do, but they don't get the swarms of eager fans, because fans don't really know what they look like. They get to eat their burgers in peace.
When I was younger I wished I had an instantly displayable talent. Things I did -- ice skating, piano, writing -- required some special arena or instrument. I couldn't just whip out a talent in the middle of the blacktop at recess like some singer could. I couldn't sprint around the track at warp speed, I couldn't do a backflip in the middle of the auditorium. I needed a rink or a piano or some kind of essay or piece to showcase my "talent".
Now I guess it's not such a bad thing. As a writer I could have influence, and perhaps even change the way people think and perceive the world. But I don't necessarily have to be physically recognized. I could write from the safety of my bedroom, growing nostril hairs to the tip of my chin with my head of hair uncombed and greasy and the world would probably never know. I could be the spitting image of the mean witch in Snow White, but nobody would really care as long as I wrote well enough. My picture could just be some outdated, photoshopped, airbrushed picture to be stamped at the head of a column every single week.
So I have a great deal of admiration for these people. They know what the public wants to see and they are able to cater to that, 24/7. It's not just when they're on stage. So major props to them.
I guess because of this, and because I wonder if they are happy with this chanced-upon fame, I get shy when I talk to them. I admire them so much, have so much to ask them about how they got to where they are, but usually I just clam up, ask for a picture, and then sidle away. I don't want to be a bother, and I'm unsure whether or not they're being honest when they say they don't mind. Who am I to keep them talking to me?
But I guess this is a skill I need to work on. I watched as some of my friends joked around with Paul Dateh -- as if he were a real person!! Unthinkable!! They even invited him to In N Out for a milkshake and I tagged along, at a loss of words and at the same time not wanting to seem like some dumb groupie. But yeah I'm definitely missing that aggressive/personable factor that turns people from celebrities to neighbors. Something I need to work on. I think it's a confidence thing.
---
Something else I struck upon tonight as I discussed Greek life with Omar. It's important to think about your place in the world from a 360 degree view. Who are you looking up to, who is looking up to you? Who is next to you, going through the same things that you are going through?
During my one week as a Greek (I can't get over this cheesy rhyme) I looked at the girls in the sororities and saw girls I could look up to, girls who could be like big sisters, to be asked advice and to be admired. I saw girls who I could be friends with, to discuss current problems and solve them side by side. And I even saw girls who I felt like I could be a leader for. When you find all three I guess it's a good match because you can grow in all directions.
Applying this theory to everyday life and the friends that I have now, I realize it's quite the same. People I talk to every day are people I look up to and want to emulate. There are people who are right beside me going through the same things that I am dealing with. And there are people beside me who I feel that I can offer guidance to. I think a balance between these three is what makes life interesting, because then it's not always the same thing being expected of you.
All under one roof: AJ Rafael, Christine "Happy Slip", Kev Jumba, Uncle Same, Scott Yoshimoto, Cathy Nguyen, Paul Dateh, Phil Wang and Wesley Chan. The youtube generation -- made it big on the interweb and gained fans by posting videos. Fans who now flock to events to see their Internet crushes in the flesh.
I went to a concert to raise awareness for Hepatitis B among Asian Americans. Performers included AJ Rafael, Kev Jumba, Happy Slip, Paul Dateh, and Kaba Modern. A pretty great show when it all comes down to it.
The thing that got to me most was how they came by their stardom. They all pretty much had the same humble roots and chanced upon this new youtube culture that is steadily gaining momentum and bursting forward into a new medium of pop culture. These artists are known mostly through their online persona -- youtube, twitter, facebook, what have you. What a strange world when fame starts on such a personal scale. It's a weird kind of celebrity, I guess...because it takes one to know one. One youtube junkie to recognize another. One talented artist to spend the time in front of the computer posting videos, and a distant fan spending the time to watch and listen, comment and subscribe.
Then the relationship that sprouts from that is weird as well. They're not used to fame, I don't think they expected it. It's still the beginning stages of "stardom" I guess you could say, blinking in the light of the flashbulbs and unable to turn down an offer. Still eager for fans and recognition, appreciative of support and encouraging more turnout. I guess it's a stage where they still HAVE to be nice. They're not famous enough or successful enough to turn down fans. Their reputation as an artist isn't developed enough for them to be selfish. So I must assume that it is incredibly taxing -- to keep smiling for photographs, keep talking and promoting, keep signing scooters...when all you really want is a damn burger and some peace and quiet.
I could never be famous. I used to dream of the glitz and glamour and people yelling my name and wanting my autograph. But now I know I'd never be able to deal with that kind of attention, I'd never be able to consistently be the STAR that everyone wants to see. I have my breakdowns and moments when I don't want to be anyone at all. And I guess I'd have to admit that I'm selfish enough to submit to these momentary emotional instabilities.
So as I discussed with Joyce as we nibbled our late night egg rolls, it's much better to be successful and well-known than famous and well-recognized. People who work behind the scenes still get the importance and influence as famous people do, but they don't get the swarms of eager fans, because fans don't really know what they look like. They get to eat their burgers in peace.
When I was younger I wished I had an instantly displayable talent. Things I did -- ice skating, piano, writing -- required some special arena or instrument. I couldn't just whip out a talent in the middle of the blacktop at recess like some singer could. I couldn't sprint around the track at warp speed, I couldn't do a backflip in the middle of the auditorium. I needed a rink or a piano or some kind of essay or piece to showcase my "talent".
Now I guess it's not such a bad thing. As a writer I could have influence, and perhaps even change the way people think and perceive the world. But I don't necessarily have to be physically recognized. I could write from the safety of my bedroom, growing nostril hairs to the tip of my chin with my head of hair uncombed and greasy and the world would probably never know. I could be the spitting image of the mean witch in Snow White, but nobody would really care as long as I wrote well enough. My picture could just be some outdated, photoshopped, airbrushed picture to be stamped at the head of a column every single week.
So I have a great deal of admiration for these people. They know what the public wants to see and they are able to cater to that, 24/7. It's not just when they're on stage. So major props to them.
I guess because of this, and because I wonder if they are happy with this chanced-upon fame, I get shy when I talk to them. I admire them so much, have so much to ask them about how they got to where they are, but usually I just clam up, ask for a picture, and then sidle away. I don't want to be a bother, and I'm unsure whether or not they're being honest when they say they don't mind. Who am I to keep them talking to me?
But I guess this is a skill I need to work on. I watched as some of my friends joked around with Paul Dateh -- as if he were a real person!! Unthinkable!! They even invited him to In N Out for a milkshake and I tagged along, at a loss of words and at the same time not wanting to seem like some dumb groupie. But yeah I'm definitely missing that aggressive/personable factor that turns people from celebrities to neighbors. Something I need to work on. I think it's a confidence thing.
---
Something else I struck upon tonight as I discussed Greek life with Omar. It's important to think about your place in the world from a 360 degree view. Who are you looking up to, who is looking up to you? Who is next to you, going through the same things that you are going through?
During my one week as a Greek (I can't get over this cheesy rhyme) I looked at the girls in the sororities and saw girls I could look up to, girls who could be like big sisters, to be asked advice and to be admired. I saw girls who I could be friends with, to discuss current problems and solve them side by side. And I even saw girls who I felt like I could be a leader for. When you find all three I guess it's a good match because you can grow in all directions.
Applying this theory to everyday life and the friends that I have now, I realize it's quite the same. People I talk to every day are people I look up to and want to emulate. There are people who are right beside me going through the same things that I am dealing with. And there are people beside me who I feel that I can offer guidance to. I think a balance between these three is what makes life interesting, because then it's not always the same thing being expected of you.
10.05.2009
j'adore!
The vendor fair came to UCI today. One of my favorite weeks of the school year, hahah. Okay it's not really THAT amazing, but I just like seeing people out on Ring Road all the time.
Anyway, I caught an early bus to school and then spent $20 before class buying tops. After class I spent another $20 at the American Apparel booth...and because my bag was starting to get overstuffed because of my many purchases, I took a bus home to drop off my stuff.
I effectively wasted my intended one hour study period by buying t-shirts and then taking the t-shirts home. Next class was Earth System Science, where I fell asleep for five minutes after ignoring a rather random serenade while I found my seat. Yeah...anyway. The quiz in ESS was alright, I definitely need to purchase a textbook I guess. Bummer. MORE MONEY...
Afterwards I paid a visit to the vendor fair again, and then decided to appease my grumbling stomach with some DELICIOUS pizza. I'm very particular about crusts and this one hit the spot. Joyce and I also attended a Hepatitis B info session/art show in order to get free tickets for tonights concert.
A concert? TONIGHT? YES. I ran into some people advertising the "B free" awareness program and they told me that David Choi was performing tonight, among others. DAVID CHOI!!! YAY! I'm super thrrrrilled.
If all days were like today, life would be so nice and perfectly happy. Simple unfolding of little things, one after another. Happy happy happy.
I went with Mo over to UTC afterwards to get some sweets. Yogurt covered pretzels = my new best friend. Although the Koreans that own Sweet Tooth overprice these treats crazily, I am still a pretty consistent customer. SIGH, why do I spend money like I grow it in my backyard?!?! I DON'T!!! I don't even have a backyard!!!
UTC was interesting for two reasons:
1. Spotted J#1...and J#2. More on that later.
2. Received my second awkward phone call of the day. I feel like this is phone karma of some sort. Or rush karma. SOMETHING. Anyway this morning, I called my pledge mom to tell her that I was de-pledging from Gamma Phi Beta. It was kind of awkward with a lot of long empty pauses on her end, as well as some trailing off sentences and uncertainty and flustered lying on my part. But in the end the deed was done.
So then yeah, after de-pledging this, I get a call from alpha Kappa Delta Phi not six hours later informing me that they would LOVE to see me at their info night! Tonight! At 7pm! They really want to see me there!!!
Yeahh. I'm kind of done with the sorority thing. Why would they even want me? I'd probably just end up being the bitch that everyone hates but pretends to love, because we are "sisters" and happen to own the same clothing and know the same people.
MOVING ON. But yeah. OH. I made a creeper-y decision and convinced Mo that we NEEDED to go back on campus...for several reasons...one being that J#2 was headed that way. I'm not a stalker, I swear. But OKAY FINE it was pretty creepy on my part, I will admit. But the ultimate result was not a run-in with him, it was a run-in with other people that was actually much more enjoyable. Mini-errand running and mini-conversations were had, free shit was acquired, bathroom narration was listened to, and then I headed home fully satisfied and feeling very non-creepy.
Spy talk is so much fun. Target acquired! Abort mission, target is leaving the premises! LOL...
The stress of thinking about sorority stuff is now finally lifted and I feel like I can see so much clearer. I closed that door but opened several more today. I turned in an application for Yearbook at UCI, found out that I might be getting a position in ASUCI (not counting my chickens before they hatch!! CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME), and basically filled out my social schedule a little bit more. THANK GOODNESS for random run-ins with people I like.
So yeah, I'm in quite a chipper mood. The concert is at 6:30 so I'm planning to take the next two hours to be productive, catch up on work, etc. etc. My schedule feels so nice and empty without much to be pulling me back, only opportunities that I can choose to go to or choose to forget.
And today in French I learned how to say j'adore! How appropriate for a day that ended up being...adored? HA...I def need to practice my French.
EDIT
Okay, I was shamelessly lied to. I checked my twitter and David Choi is sick...and in Korea...WTF MATE. I guess I will still go, KevJumba and AJ Rafael are supposed to be there. Plus Kaba, always good to see. SIGH DAVID CHOI, WHY.
Anyway, I caught an early bus to school and then spent $20 before class buying tops. After class I spent another $20 at the American Apparel booth...and because my bag was starting to get overstuffed because of my many purchases, I took a bus home to drop off my stuff.
I effectively wasted my intended one hour study period by buying t-shirts and then taking the t-shirts home. Next class was Earth System Science, where I fell asleep for five minutes after ignoring a rather random serenade while I found my seat. Yeah...anyway. The quiz in ESS was alright, I definitely need to purchase a textbook I guess. Bummer. MORE MONEY...
Afterwards I paid a visit to the vendor fair again, and then decided to appease my grumbling stomach with some DELICIOUS pizza. I'm very particular about crusts and this one hit the spot. Joyce and I also attended a Hepatitis B info session/art show in order to get free tickets for tonights concert.
A concert? TONIGHT? YES. I ran into some people advertising the "B free" awareness program and they told me that David Choi was performing tonight, among others. DAVID CHOI!!! YAY! I'm super thrrrrilled.
If all days were like today, life would be so nice and perfectly happy. Simple unfolding of little things, one after another. Happy happy happy.
I went with Mo over to UTC afterwards to get some sweets. Yogurt covered pretzels = my new best friend. Although the Koreans that own Sweet Tooth overprice these treats crazily, I am still a pretty consistent customer. SIGH, why do I spend money like I grow it in my backyard?!?! I DON'T!!! I don't even have a backyard!!!
UTC was interesting for two reasons:
1. Spotted J#1...and J#2. More on that later.
2. Received my second awkward phone call of the day. I feel like this is phone karma of some sort. Or rush karma. SOMETHING. Anyway this morning, I called my pledge mom to tell her that I was de-pledging from Gamma Phi Beta. It was kind of awkward with a lot of long empty pauses on her end, as well as some trailing off sentences and uncertainty and flustered lying on my part. But in the end the deed was done.
So then yeah, after de-pledging this, I get a call from alpha Kappa Delta Phi not six hours later informing me that they would LOVE to see me at their info night! Tonight! At 7pm! They really want to see me there!!!
Yeahh. I'm kind of done with the sorority thing. Why would they even want me? I'd probably just end up being the bitch that everyone hates but pretends to love, because we are "sisters" and happen to own the same clothing and know the same people.
MOVING ON. But yeah. OH. I made a creeper-y decision and convinced Mo that we NEEDED to go back on campus...for several reasons...one being that J#2 was headed that way. I'm not a stalker, I swear. But OKAY FINE it was pretty creepy on my part, I will admit. But the ultimate result was not a run-in with him, it was a run-in with other people that was actually much more enjoyable. Mini-errand running and mini-conversations were had, free shit was acquired, bathroom narration was listened to, and then I headed home fully satisfied and feeling very non-creepy.
Spy talk is so much fun. Target acquired! Abort mission, target is leaving the premises! LOL...
The stress of thinking about sorority stuff is now finally lifted and I feel like I can see so much clearer. I closed that door but opened several more today. I turned in an application for Yearbook at UCI, found out that I might be getting a position in ASUCI (not counting my chickens before they hatch!! CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME), and basically filled out my social schedule a little bit more. THANK GOODNESS for random run-ins with people I like.
So yeah, I'm in quite a chipper mood. The concert is at 6:30 so I'm planning to take the next two hours to be productive, catch up on work, etc. etc. My schedule feels so nice and empty without much to be pulling me back, only opportunities that I can choose to go to or choose to forget.
And today in French I learned how to say j'adore! How appropriate for a day that ended up being...adored? HA...I def need to practice my French.
EDIT
Okay, I was shamelessly lied to. I checked my twitter and David Choi is sick...and in Korea...WTF MATE. I guess I will still go, KevJumba and AJ Rafael are supposed to be there. Plus Kaba, always good to see. SIGH DAVID CHOI, WHY.
don't listen, don't read
I signed up to write for the New University (UCI's weekly newspaper) about a week ago, went to the meeting last Wednesday, and secured a position writing for Features. Well, kind of.
What they do is e-mail a list of topics they'd like to see pieces about. Today I got the first e-mail with a pretty extensive list of topics, I could see myself worming my way into writing a couple of those pieces. How well they turn out, I don't know and I can't really imagine.
Honestly though, I don't think I'm a journalistic writer. I'm more of a blogger. I will tell you about what goes through my head throughout the day, why I wore the shoes I wore, what I think about certain things. I will describe to you how I felt about something, what I'm wondering about something else. But I'm not a journalistic writer. I can't TELL you anything about the world...I only know me. Nothing really important. I'll write about details, maybe shoot for the big picture but miss entirely.
So who is going to read what I have to say? Nobody cares, I'm one in a million minds. I'm not established enough or opinionated enough or interesting enough for people to CARE about things that I care about. I'm not engaging enough to make you read this, so I turn out to be my only audience.
Can I change this? I guess I'll accept this challenge to myself. One thing I fear is accidentally assuming a presumptuous, know-it-all voice that is not really me. Don't try too hard, be yourself. So much easier said than done.
Here's to Mondays -- new beginnings, and forgetting about the past.
NOBODY READS ANYMORE, ANYWAY!!! So why bother WRITE?
My Anthro 2A professor asked the lecture hall, "How many of you are currently reading a novel for pleasure?"
I raised my hand.
Looked around.
There were probably five hands in the air.
"You guys are missing out on a world of knowledge."
Agreed...but we'd all rather socialize online, increase the number of our facebook friends and pretend to ourselves that we are popular and meaningful. Shallow social life, truly, and I'm guilty as charged. It's a necessary evil, like that extra kick in your coffee.
What they do is e-mail a list of topics they'd like to see pieces about. Today I got the first e-mail with a pretty extensive list of topics, I could see myself worming my way into writing a couple of those pieces. How well they turn out, I don't know and I can't really imagine.
Honestly though, I don't think I'm a journalistic writer. I'm more of a blogger. I will tell you about what goes through my head throughout the day, why I wore the shoes I wore, what I think about certain things. I will describe to you how I felt about something, what I'm wondering about something else. But I'm not a journalistic writer. I can't TELL you anything about the world...I only know me. Nothing really important. I'll write about details, maybe shoot for the big picture but miss entirely.
So who is going to read what I have to say? Nobody cares, I'm one in a million minds. I'm not established enough or opinionated enough or interesting enough for people to CARE about things that I care about. I'm not engaging enough to make you read this, so I turn out to be my only audience.
Can I change this? I guess I'll accept this challenge to myself. One thing I fear is accidentally assuming a presumptuous, know-it-all voice that is not really me. Don't try too hard, be yourself. So much easier said than done.
Here's to Mondays -- new beginnings, and forgetting about the past.
NOBODY READS ANYMORE, ANYWAY!!! So why bother WRITE?
My Anthro 2A professor asked the lecture hall, "How many of you are currently reading a novel for pleasure?"
I raised my hand.
Looked around.
There were probably five hands in the air.
"You guys are missing out on a world of knowledge."
Agreed...but we'd all rather socialize online, increase the number of our facebook friends and pretend to ourselves that we are popular and meaningful. Shallow social life, truly, and I'm guilty as charged. It's a necessary evil, like that extra kick in your coffee.
10.03.2009
overwhelmed and undersatisfied
Like I mentioned before, so much has been going on...but I find that the moments I enjoy the most are probably spent here, in front of my computer. Solitary confinement perhaps, but it's more calming for me.
Yes, I'm sitting in THE glum t-shirt, wearing my comfiest undies, contemplating my life.
Lately I've been so indecisive, a trait that I usually hate to find in both myself and others. But I really can't shake this right now, for some reason.
N gave me some good advice..
Bcz I am MEAN: don't undervalue the goodness of shallow social life
Bcz I am MEAN: just make sure you don't lose the ability to have it
I know for a fact I can have it. I'm desiring it less and less though, as the opportunity comes around more and more. And more and more, it's starting to feel like a task instead of something I enjoy. To go out, make an appearance, make people laugh, project this image that I could so readily pick up at the door and discard as I left.
---
Today was a DGAF day. Need to have more of these.
I woke up around noon after having a confusing dream. Went to M's house to have an omelette and then started the day right -- at the mall. I proceeded to buy whatever I wanted without second guessing myself as often as I do. The result? Two pairs of new shoes, a couple of tops, and a skirt. An emptier wallet. A fuller stomach. But it was satisfying.
Afterwards we drove to Newport Beach. By this time it was around 7pm and getting pretty chilly, but it didn't matter much to me because the cold felt good. It felt real.
We sat on the sand as the world grew steadily darker around us. Releasing all the tension in my body and not caring whether or not sand got into my shorts, I lay back and saw one star in the light blue twilight. To my right, the faint post-sunset rainbow was fading, and to my left, the moon was rising. It was huge and calm, high above the dark beachfront houses. I lay in the cold sand thinking of absolutely nothing, watching the star sway above me, the clouds sliding past, and listening to the comforting roar of the ocean.
Something about the beach is so calming. It felt as though nothing could touch me. Nothing seemed to matter.
But then I came back and faced this confusion once more. I don't feel like myself, I feel like I've lost touch with what I really want.
---
On a brighter note, I'm very excited to wear my new clothes...ha. And next week is Jason Mraz in Hollywoodddd! (:
Yes, I'm sitting in THE glum t-shirt, wearing my comfiest undies, contemplating my life.
Lately I've been so indecisive, a trait that I usually hate to find in both myself and others. But I really can't shake this right now, for some reason.
N gave me some good advice..
Bcz I am MEAN: don't undervalue the goodness of shallow social life
Bcz I am MEAN: just make sure you don't lose the ability to have it
I know for a fact I can have it. I'm desiring it less and less though, as the opportunity comes around more and more. And more and more, it's starting to feel like a task instead of something I enjoy. To go out, make an appearance, make people laugh, project this image that I could so readily pick up at the door and discard as I left.
---
Today was a DGAF day. Need to have more of these.
I woke up around noon after having a confusing dream. Went to M's house to have an omelette and then started the day right -- at the mall. I proceeded to buy whatever I wanted without second guessing myself as often as I do. The result? Two pairs of new shoes, a couple of tops, and a skirt. An emptier wallet. A fuller stomach. But it was satisfying.
Afterwards we drove to Newport Beach. By this time it was around 7pm and getting pretty chilly, but it didn't matter much to me because the cold felt good. It felt real.
We sat on the sand as the world grew steadily darker around us. Releasing all the tension in my body and not caring whether or not sand got into my shorts, I lay back and saw one star in the light blue twilight. To my right, the faint post-sunset rainbow was fading, and to my left, the moon was rising. It was huge and calm, high above the dark beachfront houses. I lay in the cold sand thinking of absolutely nothing, watching the star sway above me, the clouds sliding past, and listening to the comforting roar of the ocean.
Something about the beach is so calming. It felt as though nothing could touch me. Nothing seemed to matter.
But then I came back and faced this confusion once more. I don't feel like myself, I feel like I've lost touch with what I really want.
---
On a brighter note, I'm very excited to wear my new clothes...ha. And next week is Jason Mraz in Hollywoodddd! (:
10.02.2009
where did she go?
From the outside looking in, everything is fine and dandy.
But something beneath the surface keeps on taking me away from that "happy place", and I can't even really put my finger on it. It seems like everything is pulling me in a thousand different directions, including my emotions. It's an up and down ride and although I've gotten used to just waiting until things level out again, it always sucks when you're at a lull for no apparent reason.
School is going fine. Classes are alright so far, I definitely have to devote a lot more time to really learning the material but that's actually something I'm looking forward to this weekend. Locking myself up, being alone, and getting work done. I don't want to even hear about the outside world. I just don't want to be around people right now.
Ideally, right now, I'd be at Memorial Park, sitting in the grass, sipping Jamba Juice with some favorites and just...not talking. Awake-napping and simply being, as honestly and purely as we could ever be.
But the reality is that I am here still, and this escape is not something that can be granted to me. So this is my escape instead, I think. I will admit I've been slumming it around the apartment in oversize t-shirts the past few days, confused about my own confusion and wondering at my disappointments and shortcomings. Ramen has been surprisingly comforting.
Seriously though I can't really put my finger on what it is that is disappointing me so much. Perhaps that is just adding to the frustration as well. Because really, if I had to describe my mood as of late, I guess I would just say frustrated. Do me a favor and send me bowls/glasses/plates that you don't want, so I can smash them in the parking lot. And I know studies show that this doesn't actually relieve any stress or anything, I just want to hear the crash. I can imagine it, it feels so satisfying.
Maybe I just haven't gotten a hundred percent settled.
It could be that, or it could be several other push-pull factors that leave me feeling stretched and stranded in between the two poles.
Do I want this meaningless, shallow, social life? It's important for me to be well-liked and well-known but is this really the way to go about it?
Shouldn't I determine for myself who I hang out with and who I want to get to know?
But even so I don't feel as though I can do that. I can't determine it for myself. There are so many people that are outside of my grasp, and some of them penetrate my bubble and seek something from me, but I don't know what. I just feel so distant, and those who are trying to inch closer to me are quite unwelcome at this point.
I guess I'm feeling superbly elitist. I don't want to be around people at all right now. I want the world to freeze, to give me 24 hours of unlost time, to read and sleep and think and write, to regain some damn sense of self. After that I'll be the person that everyone expects me to be.
I feel like such a moody teen, but I guess that is, in reality, what I am. "NOBODY UNDERSTAAAAAAANDS ME!!!!!" Cry me a river.
At the same time that all of this is happening, I hate myself for being so stupid. Because I know this is a phase and I KNOW that everything is actually fine. But I hate myself for submitting to this unknown frustration. I just need to take a breath.
But something beneath the surface keeps on taking me away from that "happy place", and I can't even really put my finger on it. It seems like everything is pulling me in a thousand different directions, including my emotions. It's an up and down ride and although I've gotten used to just waiting until things level out again, it always sucks when you're at a lull for no apparent reason.
School is going fine. Classes are alright so far, I definitely have to devote a lot more time to really learning the material but that's actually something I'm looking forward to this weekend. Locking myself up, being alone, and getting work done. I don't want to even hear about the outside world. I just don't want to be around people right now.
Ideally, right now, I'd be at Memorial Park, sitting in the grass, sipping Jamba Juice with some favorites and just...not talking. Awake-napping and simply being, as honestly and purely as we could ever be.
But the reality is that I am here still, and this escape is not something that can be granted to me. So this is my escape instead, I think. I will admit I've been slumming it around the apartment in oversize t-shirts the past few days, confused about my own confusion and wondering at my disappointments and shortcomings. Ramen has been surprisingly comforting.
Seriously though I can't really put my finger on what it is that is disappointing me so much. Perhaps that is just adding to the frustration as well. Because really, if I had to describe my mood as of late, I guess I would just say frustrated. Do me a favor and send me bowls/glasses/plates that you don't want, so I can smash them in the parking lot. And I know studies show that this doesn't actually relieve any stress or anything, I just want to hear the crash. I can imagine it, it feels so satisfying.
Maybe I just haven't gotten a hundred percent settled.
It could be that, or it could be several other push-pull factors that leave me feeling stretched and stranded in between the two poles.
Do I want this meaningless, shallow, social life? It's important for me to be well-liked and well-known but is this really the way to go about it?
Shouldn't I determine for myself who I hang out with and who I want to get to know?
But even so I don't feel as though I can do that. I can't determine it for myself. There are so many people that are outside of my grasp, and some of them penetrate my bubble and seek something from me, but I don't know what. I just feel so distant, and those who are trying to inch closer to me are quite unwelcome at this point.
I guess I'm feeling superbly elitist. I don't want to be around people at all right now. I want the world to freeze, to give me 24 hours of unlost time, to read and sleep and think and write, to regain some damn sense of self. After that I'll be the person that everyone expects me to be.
I feel like such a moody teen, but I guess that is, in reality, what I am. "NOBODY UNDERSTAAAAAAANDS ME!!!!!" Cry me a river.
At the same time that all of this is happening, I hate myself for being so stupid. Because I know this is a phase and I KNOW that everything is actually fine. But I hate myself for submitting to this unknown frustration. I just need to take a breath.
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