Anyway. You know how sometimes you keep punching a wall, and then steadily your body builds defenses and calluses itself against the certain pain you'd feel? Until some time you just stop noticing that pain should be present and then you realize, job well done, defenses up, no more bleeding. Then you wonder where it is and stop yourself and say hey -- it's so much more fun NOT feeling like shit!
Like when I ice skated breaking in new skates was always a bitch and a half. Bleeding toes and blistered ankles, SO cute, but sooner or later your skin builds up a higher tolerance in all those spots that rub you sore. I know the exact spots where the backs of my ankles are callused in a spot the size of a pencil eraser, because last summer when I put my skates back on, those old calluses had disappeared and sure enough when I took off my skates they were bleeding on my tights. Getting yourself into your old rhythm and doing something that was once so easy is really tough, you don't really notice all the little sore spots until all of a sudden you do.
Ok I'm gonna stop talking about feet. What I'm saying is, sometimes, you train yourself emotionally like this, too. Sometimes you know what to expect and save yourself future insecurity; then when it all goes according to plan you can congratulate yourself and just keep on moving. There's not enough time to decipher how you feel, moving is living and it's a one-way street. Basically you just hold your breath and let everything fly out the window, dive in and smile. There is no time for 'what if'!! We are flying high speed, pedal to the metal, towards our own death and REALLY there is not enough time for all the what ifs in the world!
This morning I woke up feeling like P.Diddy. No, I kid. HAHA. But really I didn't really feel anything. I'm so apathetic. At first I was worried and was like, hey, maybe I should force myself into overdrive and over think and like feel like a sad little girl and nitpick and mope about all my flaws and shortcomings etcetera...which I am TOTALLY capable of, but NO! TODAY was day of Dim Sum and girl bonding and SHOPPING and writing my essay, bleh. But today was so good. (:
I don't have the capacity for emotion right now, I don't think. Robot life? I don't know, one of these days, sooner or later, somethings gonna whip me into shape and remind me I'm a normal person and normal people deal with feelings... till then I guess it's the same old, see, the constellations in the sky will always leave me high and dry.
OH but today I was almost close to tears (I think) when I talked to my parents on the phone. My internet situation is soo not happening right now, and they told me they'd get me a wifi router and send it, but it's been three weeks and still no wifi. So I talked to them and they said "oh we thought since you didn't call you didn't need it anymore." UH, HELLOOO? They had said since week ONE that they'd look for one and send one ASAP. And they ALWAYS lag like this. Like not buying me a bed either. GRRR. But yeah that was pretty much the emotional climax of my day, what was yours?
1 comment:
LOL, emotional climax of my day. Running around buzzed because I couldn't find my camera. I was going to CRY. I left it on a table at my friend's house and then it was gone. Then someone found it in a random kitchen drawer and all was well.
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