dear self,

You miss ice skating. YOU DO. Stop ignoring that fact, start making more effort to get it back into your life.

Today I watched the Stars on Ice special on NBC and I sat there and was jealous of them for being able to do that all their life. I watched and something in me woke up and said HEY, THAT COULD BE YOU. Okay, on a smaller scale, but dammit, I want it back.

So 2010,

I will be on the ice during spring break and in the summer. I will try to get a job as a skating teacher, and I will try to perform at some cheesy little exhibition or SOMETHING. I WILL.

Dear self, you also really need your drivers license.

The fact that you can never spell 'license' correctly without spell-check does NOT take from the fact that YOU NEED ONE. DESPERATELY. You complain of dependency and feeling trapped and YET, not once over break did you practice driving with your father and further yourself onto this path that you have elongated unnecessarily.

In 2010, I WILL GET MY LICENSE and dammit I spelled it wrong again. Thank you gods of google chrome.

Dear self, you should also probably get healthier. Eating & portioning right is more fun than cramming your face with pounds upon pounds of preservatives and chemicalized food. ALSO, SALT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! It is not its own food group, stop treating it like it is.

Dear self, you used to be flexible once. Now when your ham strings hurt when you stretch it DOES mean that you are old and decrepit. Stretching is good for blood flow and fitness and all that other mumbo jumbo, take some time out of your (NON) busy life to STRETCH, maybe it will make you happier and more sprightly.

Good job for buying floss and milk today at the store. Pat on the back.

Dear self, making decisions is good. Remembering that you have goals for the future is also good. And remembering that you DO want to live past twenty five and DO NOT want to die of liver failure would probably be beneficial when you have to make some decisions. Sleeping at normal hours is also good.

Dear self, packing your clothes at 3:00 AM should not make you want to cry. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF. STOP BUYING THINGS. You could clothe a small country. Remember, you are just ONE GIRL. Not a small country.

Instead of buying more clothes, remember that you DO want to buy a DSLR and that you DO want to go to Australia, and that you should probably start saving for retirement and fancy things like that.

---

That was semi-weird. Anyway. I am back in Irvine, and un-packing all my STUFF made me want to cry (again), my laptop experiencing difficulty made me want to cry (again), and sitting here thinking of the next ten weeks makes me...want to sleep forever. Or run home. And you know how much I hate running so take this to heart.

Irvine. Oh, Irvine. I return to you with such bitterness in my heart. Feelings of frustration and anxiety and depression clog the pipes of my mind like the drain of a bathtub of a very hairy man.

I just can't explain, but I do feel so very trapped here. It is all so planned out and perfect. I really can't explain. But the good thing is, I have GOALS for this quarter.

Goals are like shiny things in your pocket that you keep around so that, when you start considering your pillow and that box of chocolates your best friend, and yes this will be happening in the near future, you can drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning and do the whole damn thing again BECAUSE you want to

-write for the New U and perhaps reach out to the souls of the soulless. Discover if there are real people out there. Good luck, here is a flashlight.

-DECLARE your major and minor, so when people ask what major you are, you don't have to lie and tell long stories about feeling lost and directionless and trying to find your identity and bogus bat-shit stuff like that, nobody really cares. Let's keep it simple. Declare a major and minor and there you have it, simple, one-word answers.

-get your plan together to go to freaking Australia, so you can hug kangaroos and koalas (that are supposedly mean, but what gives, you'll find out for yourself) and scuba dive (even though you suck at it) and stay there long enough that you start sounding like those seagulls from Finding Nemo. Also hopefully pick up some culture and discard your ignorance and stop saying "crikey she's a beaut" when talking about Australia.

-SAVE MONEY, because you have TOO MUCH STUFF. George Clooney in Up In The Air and his backpack theory would not approve. (PS this is a very good movie, up for 6 Academy Awards, go watch plz.)

Also, other things to keep you happy when life is not the cat's meow or something:

-THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Hopefully George will be spectating and you will get to spectate George spectating. Do remember to still attend classes.

-Academy Awards & watching all the nominated movies. Culture yourself, do it. Culture yourself online for free, even better. Then make predictions and yell at the TV and all that good stuff. Awards shows = your equivalent to these basketball games people keep talking about.

-TV shows that have come highly recommended: 30 Rock, Glee, Entourage, Weeds. Do it. Be a hermit. Watch every single episode without leaving the comfort of your room.

-On the other hand SUNSHINE is a useful happiness-tool. Vitamin D yourself, but also SPF yourself.

-Reading for fun, people used to do it back in the day, some people have forgotten how, you fortunately live in the past and DO remember these things that they call "books", and well HEY you own a few! Let's crack em open!

Thinking positive is good. If that doesn't work, being cynical and making fun of anything that you can make fun of will probably be good. Making fun of people who don't know that they are being made fun of to their face is fun but not so good for your karma. Making fun of people who can hear you making fun of them is the worst. Karma is not your friend, being 10+ feet away from people and then opening your loud mouth is your friend.

Challenging yourself is good, because trying new things is good. Trying and failing is also good, because then you learn more about yourself and ALSO get to console yourself by eating lots of failure-food. And crying, you haven't done that in a while, I hear that's good for you too.

I am so weird right now. Whatever. Stay weird everyone, it makes life better. HAY 2010, I hope you are ready to be...had...yes.

P.S. You spend entirely too much time on facebook. Your internet "friends" are NOT THAT INTERESTING!!