weakness

"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."

This quote has stuck out in my mind ever since the time I stumbled upon it when browsing through Postsecret. (I've probably even written about it here). I've pondered it and thought about it but somehow I still don't know what it means to me. Does it mean that we should relent to the weakness and be absorbed in the misery of being human? Or does it simply mean that some things that make us weak are not actually ailments that should be sought to be cured? Do our weaknesses make us who we are? Or do they change us by forcing us to try to overcome them?

"Some secrets are good...a little shade makes you more interesting."
"Yeah...shadows make someone 3-d."
How true and unfortunate. Fortunate? Depends what the shadows are hiding, I suppose.

I digress. I was writing about weakness. I thought somehow that snippet of a conversation would relate because it does in my mind, but maybe not so much after all.

Anyway. Here I am, possibly at the weakest point ever. I suppose the cycle of engaging myself too much when I know I need rest is paralleled emotionally as well. But first off let's discuss the breakdown. It started off Monday night, and then all of Tuesday I was in bed with a raging fever, imagining I was on my death bed and thinking of all the things I'd regret. I hadn't the strength to get up and beg for medicine until about four hours into my pitiful non-nap. Delirious and awoken from my "near-death" state, I thought I knew what I would do and I had a certain determination. I'm proud of my then-self; but maybe I was only that way because I had an excuse. I could put it off until I got better, at least.

Today I was feeling better. I made it to class, hung out with friends, went to Baja Fresh for a free burrito deal. Towards the end of dinner I started itching...and finding strange bumps on my face. Initially I dismissed them as bug bites but then they started popping up really quickly. I was not in a good state. I guess I was having an allergic reaction, to what, I don't know. But we raced off to Albertsons to pick up some Benadryl, with my heartbeat pounding in my ever-swelling face.

So maybe it's all the acetaminophen and diphenhydramine in my system right now that's making me feel like this. Like what? LIKE SHIT. My body is under attack from within. I feel betrayed.

I hate feeling weak.

I also hate that I am doing nothing to get closer to where I want to be. In any aspect of my life. Why am I holding myself back? I am my own worst enemy.