be still

Today was a weird day for me. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Lucky for me there are things in my life that can easily change that. For instance, this amazing view with these amazing people...I wanted to freeze time and sit there for eternity, not saying a word. Like I said before, sometimes things just feel right.

And sometimes it feels like the world is whizzing by. People are going to college soon and I'm embarking on this rather epic Asia-journey in a little over a week. The summer is passing by faster than I expected -- but each moment is rich and valued so I don't really feel at a loss. Some things are falling into place, which I'm enjoying. And the things that aren't...I don't really miss. I feel a definite change in myself and others. Change is good.

And something I learned: sometimes I need to just be quiet and appreciate. It's usually my instinct to have something to say...but sometimes silence speaks for itself. Right?

flight

It felt like freedom. Sometimes, things just feel right.
I can't really express how good it was to just be on the ice again...but I liked the challenge.
And something about physically falling and getting up and trying again is so...simple and nice.



Waking up sore this morning was a good feeling. I want this back.
It made me happy in a way that I haven't been for a while..



Thanks C for documenting, thanks B for the accompaniment and opportunity. (:

potential

I used to have it once.

---

Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"

But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.

They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.

It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.

I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.

Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.

"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?

There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.

---

And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?

I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.

If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.

closer

Closer to my dreams
I'm gettin' higher
I feel it in my sleep
I said I'm gettin' higher
And closer to my dreams
Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on
Closer to my dreams

-Closer, Drake ft. Andreena Mill

---

So lately I've been talking and thinking about the future, the way that young people usually do. Within my friend group, I feel like there is so much potential and so many opportunities and I can't wait to see my friends succeed. Imagining where we'll be 10 years from now is such a trip. I want to see everyone grow up and fulfill their dreams.

Because now we actually CAN chase our dreams. As C and I wound around darkening roads last night, we talked about growing up and realizing that you can actually go after what you want. As children, there were always things that we desired, but we didn't have the means to go about and acquire them. As we grow up freedom is handed to us, through licenses, keys, connections, jobs, skills...etc. The only thing we have to do is actually utilize what we have to get what we want. That's growing up, I guess. Having less restrictions and being more able to get to where you want to be.

But restrictions will always exist...and lately, it seems that they especially like to exist in my life, at least at home. There's so much that I want to do but when I'm at home, my life gets smaller. I have a curfew, and I have to ask permission, and I am dependent. It's nice to "marinate" and relax I guess, but I'm in an ambitious sort of mood, so sitting at home just frustrates me.

Right now I just can't wait to escape. The family trip coming up is definitely something I'm looking forward to, I love travel and I know this trip will provide me some sights and sounds that will give me a lot to think about. Even more though, I want to be back at Irvine. Being home has made me realize how much more I can DO in Irvine, and all the opportunities I need to take advantage of. So I want to be there while I'm still in this "get things done" mood.

swing swing

Something about swinging is so calming for me. Maybe it's the combination of good company and good conversation, set under a real blue summer night's sky pierced with stars and a glowing moon. I love the park after dark, it's a little more haunting and less innocent than by the light of day.

Today was a typical summer day followed by a typical summer night. I spent the day sitting around, trying to be productive but half-assing it. And then I started feeling bad for never getting things done while people around me are chasing their dreams. So I resolved to have no more of these type of days. They occur too often, and more and more, they expose the fact that it is only me standing in my own way. Why am I stopping myself?

Baby steps, I guess. I did accomplish a little bit today. Very slowly started on the route to (FINALLY!!!) getting my license, with a little help from T. I also researched the study abroad program that I hope to be participating in next summer. Six to seven weeks in France sounds like a dream come true. I'm looking forward to making this trip happen. I really can't wait to get back to Irvine and start setting the wheels in motion.

I think the trouble I have is thinking for the present. I'm so obsessed with the future and the goals, but I don't really think about the steps leading up to it. Simultaneously I analyze the past and reflect upon what HAS happened instead of what IS happening. How do I take these thoughts on the past/future and translate them into my present? If I find this out, I think I'll be a lot happier with who I am.

Jason Mraz's blog led me to a name-analyzing website today. For the most part it was pretty accurate, especially the part about being independent and striving to have experiences. And the interest waning quickly...and even the frustration/rebelliousness was pretty on point. And here's the punch: "Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation."

A restless intensity? I guess I can relate. So will relaxation be denied to me for the rest of my lifetime? Something to think about. Interesting site.