that's what chery said

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'M REVIVING THIS!!

(Obligatory)

Although I do agree that New Years Resolutions are generally abruptly forgotten..and those who make them are discouraged from doing so oftentimes, I still insist on upholding this tradition. I’ve done this forever. And I’m constantly making new goals anyway, so this list is just one of many, many, many lists of resolutions.
I’m aiming for practicality and definite, positive change this year.

1. Carry cash.
It’s obnoxious to split checks between a million different cards. It’s obnoxious to have to go to ATMs and break 20’s when paying people back. It’s obnoxious to go to cash-only places and T___T @ yourself/the establishment. It’s obnoxious to swipe your card everywhere you go, check your bank statement the next day, and then cry yourself to sleep. Carrying cash is a quick, easy solution to most of these problems. (Goes hand in hand with the “save money” resolution, which isn’t necessarily on here specifically, but is a constant thought on my mind anyways).

2. Wake up to one alarm.
Have to admit this is going well so far, because I have a 100% success rate so far (shh I know it’s only been 2 days). Plus I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm today, so if anything, that’s like a 150% success rate or something. I don’t know, I don’t do numbers. Anyway, this resolution stems from how irritating it must be for my poor roommate to listen to my (3) alarm(s) go off a million times in the morning, starting from 1 hour prior to when I should actually be out of bed, and recurring in 5-10 minute increments due to that damned snooze button. Damn you, snooze; and sorry, roommate, I promise to change.

3. Eliminate verbal static.
In everyday speech as well as online. Verbal static consists of “um”s, “uh”s, “like”s, “omg”s, etc, which is especially distracting in public speaking situations. Like tours. And meetings. And in class. And always, basically. And online, eliminate excess “LOLOLOLOL”s or “HAHAHAHHAHA”s. This goes hand in hand with my NYR last year, which was to stop saying “lol” if I wasn’t really lol-ing, cause that’s just dishonest, right? Obviously that failed, and I think in 2010 I went from “lol” to “lolololol” which is just going in the opposite direction, really.

4. Elongate my attention span, especially during conversations.

As of right now I seriously think I have ADD, and it’s really detrimental to my friendships when we are having long conversations and I suddenly realize that I have zoned out in the middle of their talking. This happens especially often when I am on the phone. Usually a good indicator of when I’ve stopped paying attention is when a lot of “oh yeahhhh”s come in. “Wait what?”s are popular, too. And honestly, “oh yeahhh” and “wait what?” are synonymous, the only thing that differs is whether or not I’ve realized what you’re saying is important yet. I sound like a terrible person. Seriously. I realize it’s a problem. That’s the first step. And I’m taking the initiative to change this. Hence the resolution.

5. Spend less time with technology.
But let’s be real. I’ll start slow and say log off facebook every once in a while, and stop doing that thing where I refresh my newsfeed to see if anything interesting is happening. Nothing that interesting is happening. Even less interesting is happening in my life if I continue to hit refresh.

—-

Other (life) resolutions that I (and the rest of the world) make every year:
-improve health (fancy way of saying go to the gym, eating healthier, cooking more and eating out less. Farmers market anyone??)
-do better in school (includes: going to class even if it’s raining, establishing relationships with professors outside of class, speak up in class, actually read the books I pay mad bank for)
-meditate (harness the power of my mind and shit, so my default setting will not be anxious rabbit with a million things to remind myself to do. I see meditation as a chill-the-fuck-out pill for your head, which I need)
-seek out unique experiences & people
-you know, be a better person and all that. Develop better relationships with friends so I can get to that level of sitting around doing nothing and being completely comfortable with more people. Hold myself to a higher standard and do not settle for less.

2010 was so good for me. 2011, challenge accepted.

yeah...

2010-07-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, bye.

cobwebs

2010-06-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

Hello, blog, haven't seen you in a while. I don't know if anyone is aware of this blog but it's still here, I guess I'll revive it every once in a while.

The main push factor of me logging back into this blog was Kathy's update about how they re-vamped their designs...yeah HAYYY NEW LAYOUT!

Anyway. This summer is pretty fun so far, I haven't been really HOME for a bit, and it's quite nice, really. I miss the familiar faces and I miss my friends but getting into a change of scene is completely appropriate for me right now, and it's making me realize what I really value as important. Goals are changing, as they constantly do, and priorities are further exposing themselves.

But yeah, I just got a text message that drained me of all emotion, so I don't really know how to feel right now. Sometimes you read something and you have to read it over and over because its waves of impact constantly wash over you and knock you off your feet. But sometimes you read something once and then you feel a whole lot of nothing. Not apathy exactly, but if you could feel the phrase "I don't know" then that would be it! BINGO.

The quaint brick houses and hot summer air of the East Coast beckon to me, lure me in, and I'm certain that I'll be here again in the future, hopefully for a longer stay. California I love you, but change is good.

spring goals

2010-03-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes just talking to people I really trust helps me get my feet back on the ground. Just remembering what great friends I have helps me reorient myself when I feel lost or lonely.

---
SPRING QUARTER GOALS:

1. Floss more
2. Go to the gym at least 3-4 times a week
3. Listen to happier music
4. Change my eating habits and eat out less
5. Be more organized and clean
6. Party less, chill more
7. Listen more, talk less
8. Less internet, more me time
9. Stop putting things off
10. Stop always thinking two steps ahead and enjoy the present
11. Read more

I'm hoping for a chill quarter, nice and slow with just enough time to appreciate the good weather and good company. I hope this quarter will be a good one because I have a direction now and I have steps to take to accomplish my goals.

I'm also excited for my schedule. Though it's definitely up for some changes, I'm really excited to see what these courses will offer me. Note the lack of French and Journalism. (:

Anthro 139: improvisation, language, & culture
Anthro 30b: ethnography & anthropological methods
English 28C: realism & romance

And I'm trying to get into a stats class or a computer class so I can officially switch into Social Science and peace out from Humanities forevermore!

Additionally...
-Uni Studies 2 seminar (aka training for being a discussion leader for Fall '10)
-Campus Rep training (so I can be a full-on CR by Fall '10!!!)

WOO! K I'm stressing about all the crap I have to do before I leave for the forest so...peace out

spring break

2010-03-21T02:47:00.001-07:00

haaappyyy break

I want to go home! ):

in-between

2010-03-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

Today was marked by the moments in between, sun in my eyes and the grass so green. Sandwiched between the last lost hour of class and a little crushed dream, I watched the cloudless sky and a dark bug zip by and I wondered about life, about love, the hows and whys. When do we just know, how do we know, what do we know? And what do we deserve? And how can we see, from the outside looking in, what is a facade and what's genuine? There's nothing like experience and we can only have our own, so here's to you and yours. I just know, some are meant to love and some are not, it's not a basic human right. It's another acceptance process and we can be sad or happy about it but it all boils down to the only changing factor, which is you. The only thing to change is you. Change your mind, your expectations, and change the world around you. Fast forward past rejection and some errands and I'm in my favorite sandwich shop, gazing at the people passing by and wondering, again, why. I'm alone here, me, but there's no where and no one else I'd rather be. So I'll live slowly and recognize that things just happen, or they don't. But that bug in the sun and this sandwich on my my tongue made my day what it happened to be -- perfect for me, just what I need.

---

Oh, today. So I faced rejection today, but to be honest I'm not too disappointed. Congratulations SPOP 2010!

To be honest I didn't really expect to get it; I guess in my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't because I felt that I had taken my share from what I applied for. I got Alternative Spring Break, discussion leader, and Campus Rep. And I'm thrilled about all three, and so excited to be a part of all three. I guess I wanted SPOP to be the cherry on top of my sundae but I can't have it all. Plus I don't really like cherries, anyway.

Like T said, it gives other people an opportunity to grow. My growth is gonna happen in Campus Rep and everything else and I'm so thrilled to be granted those opportunities, so I shan't be greedy. There's always next year and if it wasn't meant to happen this year then it just wasn't.

Not to say I wasn't disappointed, because I was, of course. But at the same time I feel selfish being disappointed because I'm so lucky to have what I have.

Anyway, this was not meant to be a post about how I feel about not getting SPOP.

Today was overall a good day. I think I'm lost in this cloud of apathy just because I've been so sleep-deprived and stressed lately. But from this cloud I managed to pull out a few strands of good moments. I sat in the park for a while and contemplated life and love with M, wandered about campus finding good company, had a spring break meeting, then went grocery shopping (such a luxury) and ate a sandwich at Le Dip by myself. I really liked eating alone, it was just what I needed after a mess of a week.

And. I'm in the works to switch schools in the spring. Pretty sure I'm going to be majoring in Anthropology, HOLLER! I'm happy with this. I'm not enough of a go-getter to succeed at journalism, and though I love writing, I don't think I'm the right personality type to major in it. I could see myself hating it as time wore on with forced assignments and everything. I like the relationship I have with writing now, and I think it's something I can cultivate without the stress of majoring in it. Also I get to let go of French which is a GREAT relief.

I feel in-between in everything. Waiting for the winter to end and on the brink of the spring. Newly initiated, not fully active. Leaving Humanities and entering Social Sciences. Just caught in-between. The awkward lull of anticipation and wondering what it'll be like when I experience it. All I can do is wait. Wait and respect the process and appreciate that everything happens and everything is perfect just the way it is.

thinks i think

2010-03-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

I got campus rep today. (: Still a little part of me wonders whether it was completely based on merit or whether it was a matter of knowing the right people. Maybe a combination of both? Hopefully more heavily weighed on merit? Either way, I'm really excited to prove myself and dive headfirst into this. I'm thrilled to have been accepted.

I've heard back from 3/4 things I applied for and now I'm waiting on the last one, SPOP. I don't know but I am hoping hoping hopingg!

---

I think sometimes I just desire the unknown, the fascination of not knowing things, testing limits and boundaries. Sometimes I'm too curious for my own good and I end up screwing myself over. And I never know what I want, it changes from moment to moment.

---

I had a conversation with a friend and I realized how unhappy and almost fearful I get when I can't cheer someone up properly. I worry about saying the right thing, or the wrong thing. I care too much and treat everyone too delicately perhaps? And I don't trust in myself enough to be confident in the friendship. Constantly seeking reassurance that I'm not rubbing them the wrong way. Maybe I'm too insecure, or maybe I just care too much. I just hate not knowing what people need to hear or what would make them cheer up.

I should learn how to give people a little credit. Maybe they're not as adaptable/accepting as I am but the friends I have are human! I have to have a little more faith.

But then sometimes I'm too good at adapting to the people around me. Sometimes I put up with shit because I accept that that's how the other person is and I merely become a reflection of that. I end up pushing my own boundaries, even sacrificing my personal comfort to ensure that the other person can be themselves/comfortable around me without having to feel like they need to censor themselves. Or something. I'm okay with this.

I guess I just go with it...and sometimes it's just like an innate knowledge of who you really care about and who you don't. I'm too accommodating to people sometimes. M stated it pretty well today, I have to be better at prioritizing who I would sacrifice more for and who I wouldn't. They can't all be up on that same tier.

But yeah, people get to me in ways I wouldn't even imagine. I took a personality test and it said that I'm always putting others first and trying to accommodate everyone's needs. People pleaser? I guess that comes with a negative connotation...but I would actually agree. M said it's so that I have a wide range of people who I can hang out with and have fun with etc, variety is always fun for me and I highly value that in life.

But within that wide range there's only a select few I really really trust. I feel like I'm keeping a secret sometimes, when I don't tell things to people that I feel obliged to tell things too. It's not really obligation when I discuss things.

It also bothers me when I find that people automatically assume that being single is a bad thing. I'm terribly happy sitting in bed typing this random blog and putting off French. I'm pondering next steps and whether or not I should actively brush aside some things that distract from my priorities. I'm a bitch in my thoughts. Power trippppin.

---

R said he didn't think I needed/was ready for a relationship right now. Sometimes I don't feel like I will be, ever, because...I don't know. From an early age my parents taught me to be independent and happy on my own. And that's how I learned to live and that's how I like to live; I get awkward when labels and complex people-relationships come into play. Does growing up involve me being more accepting of relationships, or am I too grown up and wearied/jaded already?

---

So obviously the not-overthinking thing is not working out. I'm hungry.

recap

2010-03-07T13:02:00.001-08:00

SO much has happened in the past like...two days. Bullet points necessary.

FRIDAY

-got initiated into Gamma Phi Beta. (: Got letters and everything! HOLLER

-got into a verbal fight with a close-minded, disrespectful, belligerent scumbag, would have gotten physical if people were not in the way. HOLD ME BACK. Investing in ninja stars soon, prease. Seriously so pissed about this.

-instead of hurting said scumbag, I screwed myself over by throwing my phone on the ground and snapping it in two.

-who shows up at 4 am? My favorite CS.

SATURDAY

-cleaned the blood off my roommate's sink

-attempted to get myself another phone, semi-failed. My friend just gave me one and now all I need to do is get to Verizon and...do business.

-hung out with C all day, and barraged her with ANGER (the likes of which have been unseen since senior year). yes. ANGER!!!!!!

-thought that someone stole my favorite hot shoes and got really pissed

-went to Zeta formals! And afterparty. Met someone named Chuck and insisted upon calling him Chuck Norris. Ate shit as I ran to the bathroom in high heels. Ate shit reallllllllll bad.

-got home at 4am and KO'ed

SUNDAY

-somehow woke up at 8:00 with my ghetto alarm clock. Parents day at the GPhi house.

-found out my friend has my shoes

-got a phone from my friend

-now must study until forever

-all I really want to do is sleep

-or punch scumbag in the face (yes still)

sigh. the business. I'm tired.

march alreadyyy?

2010-03-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

It scares me when I think about how harshly people can judge each other. Sometimes I meet someone and imagine all the criticism they could throw my way, and I don't know why I think like this. I guess lately I've just found out that not everyone is as "nice" as I idealize them to be in my head, so when I meet some strangers I get a little intimidated.

Honestly, there's so much emphasis on being good-looking here that I hardly even know what it looks like anymore. Everyone is so under the microscope at all times that it's hard to find "beauty" in the unique and natural. Everything can get so cookie-cutter.

I went to my formal last Friday and looking at pictures, I get a little weirded out. I think I look too done up. Big curly hair and fake eyelashes and all this business...I think I like my hair straight and less makeup. I look like a doll. It makes me a little uncomfortable. Some people look like this every day, I don't know how they do it! I look at those pictures and I'm a little confused at who that girl is.

Also, I need to stop being such a people pleaser. I thought about this for a while and I realized that I tend to just go with the flow and do whatever everyone else wants to do. I mean, in certain situations. When it comes to being friends with people I'm pretty easy, I would say, and not very quick to judge. It's kind of a pet peeve of mine when friends interrupt my slow get-to-know process by presenting their ideas of a person to me.

I don't know. When it comes to judgments, I really wish American society had more of a Kahluli perspective on things. Learned about this in Anthro a couple weeks back. Basically the Kahluli mindset is that you can't make assumptions about people, because you just don't know their story. How did they end up with this ideology? And how did "we" end up with ours?

I just registered for classes this morning and it was pretty breezy! I'm taking French (bane of my existence), a lit journ class, an anthro class (with my fave professor) and a discussion that will teach me to be the best discussion leader for the freshmen next Fall. EXCITING. (: It looks like it will be a fun quarter and I left myself enough time to really excel in school, make some moneys, and grow in different directions. Hopefully I'll find myself more involved and invested in the things I've joined, as well.

That's about it...Olympics are over. ): Watching figure skating was simultaneously a slap in the face and the most uplifting experience in a while. I miss you. And I wish Mirai got third. Oh well, 2014 awaits!

happy _______

2010-02-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

It seems like everyone is either totally opposed to V-day or totally celebrating. Like people’s status updates are either mopey about being single or lovey dovey, up on their SO’s nuts. Either they have extravagant, adorable plans to parade their cuteness in the candlelight or are staging “singles revolt type things”. (Sorry to pick on you, N.) Personally I really dgaf either way, it is what it is. If you need a day to be all heppy and do cute things for someone you especially like then today is the day for you! And if you need a day to gripe and whine and eat ice cream like the apocalypse is coming and calories come with no consequences then, again, go for it! Today is your day, too! Just when those without valentines are assumed to be glum on the 14th of February…it’s kind of a whuddafuck. Is society really telling us that we can only be happy if we have someone “special” in our lives? Should we REALLY be made to feel bad about being single? Stop looking for valentines, y’all. Be your own valentine.

Today my valentine is NorCal. Roses are red, violets are blue, yadayadayada, NorCal I love you. Yesterday I hung out at Donut Wheel with some homies and just sat and chatted. Something so chill and comfortable about being home, there’s no assumptions or presumptions and you just are who you are and nobody really gives a second shit. I love being home also because my parents take me out to eat the really delicious foods. Also because the stars are always nicer from here. And the guy who sells us donuts hates us as much as ever, too. It’s nice to be back.

I just don’t really care that much about today, it’s nothing really special to me. It didn’t even occur to me that today was the day to celebrate love and pink things between “intimate companions.” Congratulations if you are half of a duo! Congratulations if you are not! V-day should just be a day to eat chocolate and say haaaay to the people you like best. Though I’ve only done the former so far.

Anywho, I WOULD like to say happy lunar new year! Gong hay fat choy, send red packets my way! Hahaha I kid, I never really got much moneys from this holiday and I’ve never been one to complain. Tis the year of the tiger, which means my cousin is 12 years old. HOOOLY, time does fly. And tigers are charismatic and courageous and brave and such, so here’s to a year of tigerlicious times.

interviews & results

2010-02-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

So the week is finally over! And I left my fourth and final interview in a hurry, not because of the rain, not even because of the wet socks (okay maybe a little bit because of the wet socks) but MOSTLY because I wanted to blog about how awkward interviews are!

Okay, maybe it’s not that they’re AWKWARD. They’re just unnatural. And isn’t that a little bit awkward? I tend to leave interviews in a little bit of a flurry of emotion. On the one hand, I like being asked questions about myself because I do tend to self-reflect a lot, and it’s fun to communicate innermost thoughts and workings of my mind to someone who is basically a complete stranger. Once long ago I’d try to shape my words into something more pleasant to their ears but now, I’ve become more comfortable with sharing my thoughts AS my thoughts. Make sense? Just being myself more, not trying so damn hard all the time.

On the other hand, though, I also leave interviews quite frustrated. Looking back I say, oh, I could have said something else here. Or elaborated on this point. Etc. There’s no point in lingering but what DOES bother me is the whole set up of an interview. Question and answer.

In Anthro we learned about a form of communication that is called initiation/response/evaluation, which is basically ask a question, get an answer, and then proceed from there. In conversation, the evaluation segment would be elaboration on that topic and divulging anecdotes and such. However in the interview setting evaluation is literally just that — evaluation on paper, filling in little boxes, taking note of what you just said. Uncomfortable? A little.

Anyhow, interviews aren’t meant to be conversations. They’re called interviews for a reason I guess, viewing between several people? But generally it’s NOT “between”, it’s more “directed at” someone…which is something I am not a fan of. Here I am, but where are you? Questions and answers on one way streets with almost no switchover.

I digress. What frustrates me is…well, just how am I supposed to share all the knowledge and experiences I’ve acquired in the 18+ years that I’ve been living and breathing and learning? Pack it into a well-worded short verbal paragraph and hurl it onto that piece of paper, being written on by entirely foreign fingers. How can I share the experiences that have molded me into the person that I am, the changes I’ve undergone and every step into the reason why I am how I am, and how can I form this into a statement that ultimately answers WHY I am qualified for this position? How can I get them to KNOW me and understand what I’m passionate about, and what I think about, and all this stuff? Interviews are merely an introduction but I’d rather get them to skip to the middle of this story.

Tough cookies! Going into the interview I was nervous because I knew it was something that I really wanted. In the interview I was less nervous because that’s usually how it is. Anticipation brings nerves but when you’re finally not sitting around doing nothing about it, it’s not half bad.

Before, I sat at the pub with friends and got myself into interview mode. I guess I had the jitters but I got some good laughs and it was a nice comfortable crowd to send me away into the waiting arms of the interview. Anyway I said before I left, “I am just the same as everyone else.”

Someone said, don’t think that way. But I can’t see why not. This way we’re all on equal ground. There’s no hierarchy. After the interview, sure we’ll be “ranked” differently, but right now we’ve all got the same thing. Names on paper, and we’re all just as interesting and involved and engaging as the next person. I am just the same as everyone else because we are all human and we have all been experiencing life and taking from it and applying it to ourselves. The only way we differ is how we’ve rebounded from the jabs that life throws us. Essentially though, we are all the same. We’re just people.

I can see how it can be taken negatively but I said it with no sense of self-pity or self-consciousness. I take that statement as a reminder that we’re all going through experiences and changing on a day to day. I take that as a reminder that when you take away these false labels and intricate cover-ups we’re all built the same.

Someone I interviewed last week said something along those lines…he said he was just like everyone else, so it wasn’t a big deal. I think it’s when we start drawing lines and saying oh I’m more qualified, or oh I’m more popular, or I’m smarter…that’s when we trip ourselves up and stop being ourselves. It raises the stakes and turns it into a competition, when it’s really not. Just do your thing and be happy doing it! Real talk! When you’re just like everyone else it’s easier to not be like everyone else and be more you. If that makes any sense at all. Which it doesn’t, but it does to me. I’ll think about this more I guess.

ANYWAY, the week is over and I am off to celebrate this gray Friday in a yellow car because screw you raindrops, you shall not dampen my mood! (: Lately I’ve been riding a wave of good humor or contentment…so I’m going to go buy something pretty to seal the deal. Busy weekend ahead!

IN OTHER NEWS....I finally heard back from Alternative Spring Break and I am SUPER excited to be a participant at the San Bernardino National Forest this coming break!!!!! AAAAH!!!! (:

my hands smell like oranges

2010-01-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

And oranges smell like Vitamin C.
Vitamin C, in turn, smells like "uh oh, Chery's getting sick."

Sitting in the VDC undergraduate lounge yet again, sitting on my foot, thinking about the foods I eat and how I could write a twenty-five minute long paper about this, in French, in 13 hours.

Me: I just want to blog.
J: You would.

So I finished my orange and blogged. I want to blog and I have been wanting to. therefore I need to, in a way. Before these words get backed up and I have to call a plumber, or before they shoot out of my fingertips like bullets from a loaded gun.

I recently found out that I'm not the only person in this wide universe who uses the "drafts" function in their cellular to keep track of running thoughts and creative strings of words. In his case he wrote a couple of stanzas of spoken word poetry, in my case I listed things I want(ed) to blog about. He read me his poem and I wondered if I could do this, like he said, just a thought. But I don't have time right now, what I have time for is to attend to the list on draft #35 of my cellular phone.

Right now though, my thoughts circle around Alternative Spring Break. It's a program that sends you to a particular destination, and so, instead of going home for spring break, you are sent there under a specific topic headline and you are given the task of learning more about that topic and giving back to your community in some way. The destination I seek is the San Bernardino National Forest, my topic headline being 'Giving Back to the National Forests.'

Hello, National Forests. I would like to be more near you.

My interview was this morning; I showed up early though my sinuses were clogged and I can only imagine that I sounded like some over-exaggerated germ-infested cartoon character. But I did my best. I talked with them, told them about myself (which I am remarkably terrible at doing), discussed what I consider my greatest achievement, all the usual interview questions. I'm not great at interviews. I know this.

After the formal interview was over, we talked about the different programs. The intern organizing the National Forests project was present and we discussed camping and being outdoors. It brought me back to all those hiking trips back in the day, with Girl Scouts or with my family or friends. And Marin Headlands in elementary school, Yosemite in 8th grade, even the camping trip I went on just last summer. The 2nd place Nature Award I got at Camporee...the late nights rubbing your toes together inside three pairs of socks because they still feel like ice. Building fires from scratch, trekking through switchback after switchback til we reach that glorious view, finding banana slugs to kiss. Grilling chicken and staring at our dust-decorated sneakers, everyone focusing in on one another and forgetting that such a thing called "wifi" and "Verizon Wireless" even exist. It's a whole nother planet.

Then it hit me just how much I want this experience. The intern said that one of her fears was how well everyone would get along, thirteen complete strangers in the wilderness, in unfamiliar conditions? It could be a recipe for disaster.

My mind flew to Grey's Anatomy and Meredith saying, "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."

And I thought, when she expressed those fears, how I could quell them. I feel like I could do this. This isn't another answer to the "why are you a great candidate" question, but then again, maybe it is.

I want this. Strangers sound so appealing. One week of ultimate bonding sounds so appealing. One week of being outdoors, of being far away, of giving back, sounds like the ultimate retreat for me, the best vacation possible.

I want this, badly. And the second that I realized just how much I wanted it, another emotion squeezed a spot open next to that desire. And that emotion was fear. Tangible fear that stepped on the toes of my plump desire and said "scoot over, exist less, so if you don't get this, your heart won't break."

I find out next Friday. Thankfully life is busy enough that I won't spend every waking minute thinking about how great of an opportunity this could be.

it's fight club

2010-01-23T23:45:00.000-08:00

I pretty much had the best emo playlist of songs running alllll day today, LAME! It sucks though cause I love singing along, cause I know all the words, and I can pretend like I understand what they're saying. Time together isn't ever quite enoughhhh blah blah blah. It's bogus though, I'm tellin ya.

Anyway. You know how sometimes you keep punching a wall, and then steadily your body builds defenses and calluses itself against the certain pain you'd feel? Until some time you just stop noticing that pain should be present and then you realize, job well done, defenses up, no more bleeding. Then you wonder where it is and stop yourself and say hey -- it's so much more fun NOT feeling like shit!

Like when I ice skated breaking in new skates was always a bitch and a half. Bleeding toes and blistered ankles, SO cute, but sooner or later your skin builds up a higher tolerance in all those spots that rub you sore. I know the exact spots where the backs of my ankles are callused in a spot the size of a pencil eraser, because last summer when I put my skates back on, those old calluses had disappeared and sure enough when I took off my skates they were bleeding on my tights. Getting yourself into your old rhythm and doing something that was once so easy is really tough, you don't really notice all the little sore spots until all of a sudden you do.

Ok I'm gonna stop talking about feet. What I'm saying is, sometimes, you train yourself emotionally like this, too. Sometimes you know what to expect and save yourself future insecurity; then when it all goes according to plan you can congratulate yourself and just keep on moving. There's not enough time to decipher how you feel, moving is living and it's a one-way street. Basically you just hold your breath and let everything fly out the window, dive in and smile. There is no time for 'what if'!! We are flying high speed, pedal to the metal, towards our own death and REALLY there is not enough time for all the what ifs in the world!

This morning I woke up feeling like P.Diddy. No, I kid. HAHA. But really I didn't really feel anything. I'm so apathetic. At first I was worried and was like, hey, maybe I should force myself into overdrive and over think and like feel like a sad little girl and nitpick and mope about all my flaws and shortcomings etcetera...which I am TOTALLY capable of, but NO! TODAY was day of Dim Sum and girl bonding and SHOPPING and writing my essay, bleh. But today was so good. (:

I don't have the capacity for emotion right now, I don't think. Robot life? I don't know, one of these days, sooner or later, somethings gonna whip me into shape and remind me I'm a normal person and normal people deal with feelings... till then I guess it's the same old, see, the constellations in the sky will always leave me high and dry.

OH but today I was almost close to tears (I think) when I talked to my parents on the phone. My internet situation is soo not happening right now, and they told me they'd get me a wifi router and send it, but it's been three weeks and still no wifi. So I talked to them and they said "oh we thought since you didn't call you didn't need it anymore." UH, HELLOOO? They had said since week ONE that they'd look for one and send one ASAP. And they ALWAYS lag like this. Like not buying me a bed either. GRRR. But yeah that was pretty much the emotional climax of my day, what was yours?

oops

2010-01-23T11:59:00.000-08:00

So I didn't sleep like I should've, or do homework, or even clean my room....

but I have the rest of the weekend for that! RIGHT?

SIGH someone straight-jacket me. No more bad business. MUST WRITE MY ESSAY.

Ice skating at 6pm tonight and going to dim sum in a couple minutes, which I am WAY too excited for. (:

emotional calluses, anyone? SUPER attractive.

anyway...

last night was party hopping night with one of my favorite party-ers. Quite the fun!

AND PS. I absolutely LOVE my roommate. And DIM SUM!

locked inside that house

2010-01-22T15:00:00.001-08:00

So for such a short week of school, it dragged on for what felt like an eternity! Maybe it was the crazy weather, I'm pretty sure I've done enough bitching about wet socks to last...another eternity.

Irvine got exciting for a while, what with all these strong winds and downpours and thunder and lightning shows! Then yesterday some guy was strolling around the Student Center buck naked and got arrested apparently. WILD TIMES.

Anyway, I kind of hope the rain continues this weekend, just so I can feel justified when I sit on the couch for hours on end watching movies and Sex & the City and ICE SKATING!!! Plus it'll be nice to just sit indoors and KNOW you won't have to go out and brave the wilderness to go to class. So my 2010 goal was to not ditch class and this week I ditched 2 because I was not devoted enough to get drenched for my classes. I know, I knowww... education>weather. Also I fell asleep in my anthro class with my cute/funny professor and I am SO, SO sad, so I have resolved to get more sleep, and thus fall asleep in his class never ever again.

Another nice thing, I think, will be to be relatively alone this weekend. I tumblr-ed about this earlier this week I think but I do really enjoy my ME TIME! And I think I over-socialized myself without getting some stuff done that I really need to do, ie clean my room, because I seriously have about four square feet of open floor space at the moment. Grand, I know. So yeah, time to dig away into my little hidey-hole.

PLUS, I bought this Thai sauce from Trader Joe's that I am dying to try out. OOH. I should probably go defrost some chicken breasts right nowww. MMMM 6:

I feel like an elitist sometimes...or just supremely detached. Someone said TFC? I hope to GOD I don't come off as that but, as someone else said, usually I'm just caught up in my own world with relatively little regard for the rest of the goings-on of the world. Isn't everyone like that though? I don't know how to further explain this. This blog was unsubstantial BUT I shall leave with this one realization: it's always what you make of it, and nobody will ever understand your full truth. But what gives? Don't worry your pretty little head.

GOAL: get over 24 hours of sleep this weekend. Hahahah...pretty do-able, I'd say. Also get everything else done. Yeah. Ta-ta!

death by post-script

2010-01-19T23:04:00.000-08:00

"Can you see me after class?"

Six simple words, an easy request. But sitting in my Lit Journ class, reading those words on the bottom of the last assignment I handed in...those words were six jabs at my morale and any ego I possess in that class.

I legitimately thought I was going to die. My blood vessels were constricting and I felt deprived of oxygen. My head started hurting and I almost wanted to hurl on the girl in front of me.

My mind started working furiously. What could be wrong with it? Maybe I should just tell her this isn't my scene. I'll get her to sympathize with me and say that I'm still trying to get my floaties on before I swim in the big girl pool. Or I'll just switch majors completely. I mean, I love Anthropology. My counselor takes drop-in sessions right? I'll just switch majors. My Anthro prof spent time abroad in Sweden and Micronesia and that is WAY, WAY cooler than being some damn journalist. I'm not cut out for this and I know it! Don't kid yourself girl!

For one and a half hours I dramatically imagined the end of my little stint in litjourn and the process of switching over to anthro, which is, what seems to me, a much more do-able major.

But at the end of the class I sucked it up and talked to her and it was NO BIGGIE at ALL. She just wanted me to specify some more dates, next time...

"Sorry for the ominous-sounding note!"

"Oh no, haha..not at all..."

It's not like I killed myself over the anticipation of it. It's not like I thought that my skin would be hanging from your wall as evidence of another LJ student who would not cut it.

HEAVE SIGH.

After getting my sense of self back together and figuratively slapping myself in the face I have decided that yes, I am still sticking with LJ, though I DO need to learn to grow up and stop being such a little bitch.

I'm not as critical and over-analytical as some people are, I'm not as quick to judgment and I'm not as opinionated. I'm more rose-colored glasses when it comes to certain things and I'm more accepting of human accounts of events and humans in general. Does this mean I won't succeed?

And does the fact that I randomly find stringing words together enjoyable mean that I'm cut out for literary journalism?

No to both, I guess...well that's what I hope, all we can do is sit around and wait I guess.

What DID boost my faith was my English teacher emailed and asked to use my essay draft as an example for the rest of the class, cause it was "excellent". YEAH, WHAT UP.

Anyway. I realize the reason why I overreacted so crazily was because it's important to me. Somehow. Somehow it matters to me whether or not I can be good at this. Weird, huh?

why worry

2010-01-18T17:31:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd spend the weekend hiding away and catching up on lost time -- I borrowed a book I've been meaning to read, left myself a mess in my room that I need to attend to, and even planned out a schedule of television that I can not miss (ice skating, YES!) and homework assignments that need to be taken care of.

However nothing really goes according to plan, and the book is untouched, my room is still just as (or even more) messy as it was before I embarked on this three-day-weekend vacation, and...well, I succeeded in watching ice skating. Though I can't really say the same about my homework. But I AM super thrilled about upcoming skating events and I wishwishwishhh I could go skating right about now.

I will say that this weekend was quite well spent though. In good company, certainly, and now I sit on the departing end of it, as though I'm waiting for a flight back to reality and school and the work I must catch up. The rain causes a delay though and my flight isn't taking off anytime soon...I may regret this in the coming week but something about the rain just makes me want to sit and listen and think.

With good reason, because somehow I managed to ignore my previous plans to stay home and veg out. Instead I found myself in different social settings on three different nights, wondering why I always find a way to leave home when I'm already quite satisfied in my pajama-state. It's this missing out type thing -- what if it really is epic and I missed it because I stayed in? What if I'm missing out on my youth, the only time when I can do stupid things like this? What if there's some fantastic person out there and our paths won't align because I chose to watch The Secret Life of Bees instead?

I have to say, nothing really spectacular happened and although I had fun, I think I would've been just as happy staying home. But that's me I guess... afraid to miss out. On what, I don't really know...but something I learned is that I am just very accepting of people in general and random life roads. I'm not really a fighter when it comes to certain things...many things...maybe I'm taking the easy way out or maybe I'm just built to drift along on whatever whim occurs to me first. Sometimes I'm too accepting and too adjusted to situations that normal people would fight for... and I just let things slide because it's like hey, that's whats happening now.

I don't know. All I know is that every single thing we do is determining the next single thing that we do and so on and so on in this endless chain, until suddenly one thing that we do causes the end of all things that we do. Sometimes I wish that all our lives were structured differently and that society were structured differently so that we could drift about and make ourselves happy without having to live with fear of loneliness or poverty or hunger. Life would be so much better if we all knew what we wanted and if we all had the means to just do that without being held back by these responsibilities that were somehow thrust upon us by this meaningless society that tells us we need to grow up and we need to find love and we need to be successful, etc etc. If I could do ANYTHING in the world I would travel and find companions, though they would change with the scenery, and see everything there is to see and just talk to people and live and not even have a home base. That's kind of a happy thought and if everyone did that, how much happier would we be?

My train of thought is running wild like the wind. I really need to get back to reality. Two more hours and I'll be initiated into a sorority, embarking upon this next adventure. I keep telling myself -- live in the now, stop overthinking, why worry? Life is just what you want it to be.

decisions, decisions

2010-01-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

So I think Australia is not going to work out after all.

After all this stress and thought that I put into it, maybe I'm a little thankful to be releasing it? I mean now is not a good time for me to be thinking about much other than the present, because the present is pretty much a giant, tentacled sea monster wrapping itself around me and pulling me into the depths of the ocean. It's just so much more work and research and meetings and questions to answer that I don't want to deal with anymore. Is it really worth it?

Maybe I won't know and maybe I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime (I probably am) but at the moment I'm so, so willing to let it go and focus on the classes that I have right now that I am getting behind on. Seriously thinking about study abroad is so taxing...and I was a little surprised to find that I was relieved to find myself a concrete reason to not do it.

The thing is, if I major in Lit Journ, there are a number of courses that I have to take in a specific order, because they are prerequisites for other required classes. And some of these are only offered once per year so it's already a pretty tightly planned schedule. And since I've only started taking LJ classes this quarter, I would consider myself a little bit late. Going abroad for one quarter would probably push my graduation date further and this isn't something I'm willing to do. Though I'm not 100 percent sure that I'd have to graduate later, I'd rather have a less hectic college experience and be on campus and follow the schedule without having to worry about courses transferring over and stuff like that.

And yes, this is pretty much a post convincing myself that study abroad is not a good option for me. I mean, I've had these wishy-washy thoughts before, but I guess they were always pansy enough for me to quash them and continue researching, telling myself I'm doing myself a huge favor.

It's too much money, too much hassle, too much to think about, etc...Right now I will say that having study abroad off my plate frees up my to-do list quite a bit and gives me time to consider other opportunities that were all banking on study abroad. Maybe I'll regret this after I graduate but HEY, five-year-later-self if you are reading this, YOU ARE STRESSED RIGHT NOW, and seriously don't have the time to do this and you are panicking! Do your best on campus at UCI! Work a lot, save BANK, graduate early, and then go to Australia to frolic however you please!!! And then go to Italy and France too, and Egypt! And all those places you researched when you thought you were going to do study abroad! SERIOUSLY!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!

I guess I do a good job of convincing myself. And though it is with a heavy heart that I put away my Australia pamphlets, I guess I know it's for the best. I'm not strong enough to fight through all these obstacles right now, I hardly have the state of mind to conjugate simple French verbs as it is.

Heave sigh. Onward, ho. This is just the week of getting over things and over things and over things. Somehow, still, I have SO much to think about and do. EFF. And I do realize it was an opportunity to escape -- but what did I expect? That school in Australia would be way more chill than school here? Think again. I need to stop trying to run from the fact that I need to put in work to succeed, no matter how much I dislike it or the environment or whatever. I just need to learn how to suck it up. GOD. I'm such a wimp.

I guess that's the thing with decisions -- I thought it was all about making positive decisions, like YES I'm going to do this, but now I also understand that you have to make decisions to opt out, to know when to say NAY. Oh, bugger. Crikey. But I will end on a cliche -- one door closes and others open! That's how I feel.

pajama time

2010-01-10T20:38:00.000-08:00

So the week can't have been THAT bad if I have the freedom to stay in my pajamas until 8:45 pm on Sunday. It can't be THAT busy if I watched the ending of the Wedding Planner and Harry Potter (GOF) whilst eating quesadillas and deviled eggs.

Can I just say a couple things:

-somehow, I really, REALLY suck at hard-boiling eggs. Whatever can go wrong when boiling an egg WILL go wrong if you ask me to boil an egg. It's really not that hard, but for some reason I am completely incompetent.

-BUT, I am very good at making quesadillas, even when highly intoxicated. I impress myself. And also burn my tongue.

-Michael Gambon as Dumbledore pisses me off so much. I wanted to throw a (raw) egg at the TV.

-I locked my door last night, another instance of PARANOIA? It's always so, so strange when I wake up after a night of debauchery and find that I've locked my door. Good instincts, self, but it makes me wonder.

-Watched ice skating on TV and OMG, WANTTTT. ):

I have been on the same page of Euripedes for the past 4 hours, thanks to the interference of the cheesy lines of JLo & Matt McConaughey (how the eff do you spell that) and the painful acting of our very own Harry Potter. AUGHhHhhh my SCARRrrr. BOO YOU, WIZARD BOY. ACT BETTER.

Also I've finally gotten around to learning the difference between "ie" and "eg", I realize I have been mis-using both on several occasions and will do everything in my power to stop from this moment on. For the record, "ie" stands for "id est" in Latin and means "that is" so it should be used for specifying, whereas "eg" is for providing an example, "exempli gratia" or "for the sake of providing an example."

Anyway. Lately, I have been wondering about people. I mean, what makes some people so much more interesting than others? You know what I'm saying? There are those token people who know SO much about some things and are articulate and passionate about their interests, and are able to spread the wealth in this way. You can TELL that they're smart and gonna get somewhere. Then there are some people who are less so, not saying they're not as interesting or intellectual or whatever but it just takes a little more digging to find the 3D in them. Does this have to do with our childhoods or something? Why are some people so much more...accessible at a surface level than others? Curious.

A point I stumbled upon during a late night (lost) drive: security with self comes from knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Agree? Disagree?

As far as I know...well. I'm certain that I know my weaknesses and strengths for the most part, but discoveries continue to be made. Hard-boiling eggs, for instance: weakness. There you go. I guess for a long time in my life I expected myself to be good at everything and considered it a personal failure when/if I did not perform as well as I had imagined. Slowly I am learning to accept my ridiculous flaws and understanding that that makes me who I am. Knowing your weak points is always good, sometimes because it gives you something to work on...but also sometimes because you know that's just how you are and ain't nothin gonna change it.

Like I mentioned earlier I watched ice skating today on TV. There was a little mini interview with Elvis Stojko and he was talking about how he took a break for a couple years and went biking and traveling and came out with a CD (!?!?) and then stepped back on the ice and felt...refreshed. Like it was day one and he was in love with being on the ice again, and everything was new and fantastic. ELVIS STOJKO YOU PARALLEL MY LIFE.

Sad because I left my skates in NorCal.

goodbye optimism

2010-01-06T17:49:00.001-08:00

OH MY GOD, I just had the most stressful two hours of my life. I don't know what is wrong with me but I really, really can NOT approach strangers. It puts me so outside of my comfort zone and makes me perspire unattractively and get all tense and nervous and seriously today, I felt like I was gonna hurl not once but TWICE! Once in French for unknown reasons and once after overthinking and feeling weird and judged and creepy and blEHHEhhh.

So my Lit Jrn teacher assigned us a "stranger interview" in which we have to find a random stranger and ask them about their life, get a couple of key points and moments that stand out to them.

I sat in Panera with my friend for 1.5 hours eying potential interviewees and chewing on my straw. No success there, I just got even more tangled up in this frustration and lack of self-confidence type deal that is attacking me like the FLU right now. Seriously, I need a prescription for this disease because I (think I am) better than this. Usually. Sometimes. Under the right circumstances.

Right now is just SO NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm okay talking to random people about things like shampoo and cookies, cause that's like common ground. But right off the bat asking an utter stranger for an interview? Not my cup of tea. And add in that I have to DIG and ask them about personal details of their life and ask for contact info and stuff like that for absolutely NO REASON AT ALL...it is just overwhelming and pointless and I am really just not good at this. I don't even see the point! Really.

Then we went to Target and I tried to interview this one guy and he totally shot me down. I take all rejections somewhat personally, that is just how I am, so yes, right now my tiny ego could probably balance on the head of a pin.

Top it all off with the fact that some douche biker hit my friend's car while we were in it and then proceeded to flip us off twice. TWICE. WHYYY. WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU? And yes, again, I am taking this a little personally, because it was just so incredibly rude! WHO DOES THAT!?

Okay. Logical side of me (which is still here, somehow, though quite diminished) tells me that this is all bogus and I am just being crazy. Snap out of it, get a tougher skin if you're ever going to succeed in the sharktank of life. Especially if you're gonna be a journalist.

DO I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS ANYWAY?! OH LAWD.

Um, good news good news......just so this blog isn't a veritable breeding ground for bad moods and grouchy thoughts...

-my check that UCI lost should be coming for me within the next two days

-I bought new eyeliner...if this bad mood continues I am going to be very veryyy poor...

THAT'S IT. How am I supposed to finish this assignment? Should I just binge-eat myself into a lull and then just choke on a pecan or something and then die fat and lonely and without having even completed ONE homework assignment successfully? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm making really good salad for dinner. REALLY, REALLY GOOD SALAD.

crazy, cont.

2010-01-06T01:02:00.000-08:00

First off let me state that all technology hates me, for an unknown reason, because all I have ever done is shamelessly love and worship all things techy. Like my laptop for instance. I think the little crumb that was lodged under my 2 key has now migrated to underneath my d; thankfully it works if I press it really hard at just the right angle. THANKFULLY.

Also I just had a half-hour struggle with my laptop not starting when I plug my ethernet in, and the wifi failing in general, and then my laptop did this crazy restore type thing, and it SHOULD have fixed everything, but obviously not, because this KEEPS ON HAPPENING TO ME and I have NO IDEA WHY! Do I have bad tech-karma? I'll treat you better laptop, I promise, just be perfect for me right now, that's all I really ask.

This is a very inconvenient time for my laptop to start malfunctioning because as it stands, I am pretty majorly swamped. Yes it is 12:30 AM and I am blogging to find an outlet for all the stress that I am swimming in right now (yes, Nate, this might be a good time for a massage), when REALLY I should be being productive and reading my Aristotle (too bad it said it's gonna take ONE DAY TO LOAD....) OR even, if I'm a regular person with teachers and technology that are nice and functional, I should be out killing my liver -- people are college-style binge drinking, and I am just college-style pulling my hair out. EVEN THOUGH IT'S WEEK ONE. Usually week one translates into the last week of break.

Not this quarter. This quarter, we are hitting the ground running. No, not running. Sprinting. I am not good at any sort of athletic activity, actual physical activity or metaphorical or otherwise. So this might not be good.

Today was my first Lit Jrn class. It is safe to say that I will be learning a lot, whether I will be learning in tears or with steady drive, only the coming weeks will tell. My teacher is immediately someone I have massive respect for, she's written for a million different things and is very articulate, passionate, and REAL about the course as well as the whole writing industry. Kind of a scary genius. Though yes, it is a little disheartening to be told from day one that this industry is dying and you will probably not succeed, and that your work will be massively critiqued and you will end up failing at one point or another...and just other great, shiny little tidbits like that. Yay realism. No more "GOOD JOB!" stickers, not in this class.

Though I do respect this realistic attitude it was, I guess, kind of a shock. This is the first serious journalism class I've ever taken, but this is obviously not the case for my classmates. Sitting next to them I feel extremely average. They photograph, they started their high school paper, they intern for radical left-wing groups. They know all the cool underground indie bands, they worked in PR with all zee fashionistas, they are applying to law school. They are passionate, focused, articulate, and opinionated. And me? Uh...I should really start reading the news...

We had to do little introductions, the regular, yadayada, and everyone was talking about all their journalism experience and internships and where they want to be in the future and stuff like that.

My turn came and my heart started thumping furiously. WHY IS THAT? I am talking about me, a subject that I have steadily been observing for 18, almost 19, years. I am quite the authority on the subject of me, and yet when I talk about myself, I completely blank and forget my own damn name. I said something about how writing was mostly my hobby ever since I was little and I love it, this is my first lit journ class, I have a blog (NO BIGGIE, SRSLY), um....I had like a thousand xangas in middle school, so YEAH trying to see if this can be a career! My classmates chuckled at the xanga statement so yay, at least I'm not completely socially awkward. Or maybe they laughed out of pity. Who knows, you can never tell with these insane genius writer-gods.

After this 'writing is a hobby want to make it my career' little schpeel my teacher inserted a little fact about how writing should probably still be a hobby cause it's really hard to make a career out of it, etc. OKAY then, peace out, time to major in engineering or biology or something that will actually provide a roof over my head that is not made out of dismantled FedEx boxes and old Campbell soup cans.

Anyway, looking back it wasn't SO bad but maybe the passage of time softens the wounds inflicted by day one of lit journ. I do admire my teacher a lot, and hopefully I will get up the courage to go to office hours and be less intimidated by her/the course in general. She gave us some advice, telling us not to get discouraged (might be too late), and that "intellect without discipline is boring." I quite agree though I must say I think I am lacking in the discipline arena...yep, 12:45 AM, sitting in my rainbow undies listening to Katy Perry, DEF have not read Aristotle yet. Success? I think so.

Thankfully the other class I had today was totally uplifting. Meet my new professor and LOVE OF MY LIFE! He's HILARIOUS. AND SO SMART!! And he dresses really nicely. And SO FUNNY. Did I mention? So, so funny.

The class is Linguistics/Anthropology and I am so ready to dive into this subject matter and go to every single office hours session he holds so I can just listen to him talk and laugh at all his jokes....SIIIIIGH.

The first rule of this class is "be excellent to each other." Yes. He says things like this. He is from Boston and told us to be prepared to hear him talk about Boston (and "draring" and inserting random r's everywhere) at least four times per lecture. Sure enough I heard quite a bit about Boston just from today, but also SWEDEN where he studied furniture designers and the gestures they make! "I'm downplaying it right now cause it's my job...but it's pretty awesome." He also mentioned Avatar...and said things like "bad shits going down" and "um, uh, ah, we, well...expect this level of scholarship from me" and just other great, self-deprecating things like that. Am I gushing? I'm gushing. He also talked about this man-purse and how it's a symbol of great masculinity on this island in Micronesia where he did some research and it was just a giant lol-fest. I can't even explain. I am terribly, terribly excited. He is one of those extremely smart, energetic, and ENGAGING professors, which I absolutely love. I think I've only had one other prof like this.

I only wish I had that class more often, to de-stress me from the crazy that is my life. Two times a week is not enough Keith Murphy for me. Not enough time to distract me from the pile-up of reading and writing and interviewing, and other meetings, and oh you forgot this meeting, and hey wanna hang out? NO CAN'T, GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO AUSTRALIA. Dammit.

I am seriously very, very stressed right now, I do not know what to do. Step by step, perhaps? Blog less, homework more? MMMM somehow this sounds very unappealing...

Sigh. At the end of this day I just feel like I am extraordinarly average without one interesting bone in my body. Hello self, stop thinking you are interesting and smart and good at writing. You are not. You are a baby with SO much to learn about the world. Heave a giant sigh and shoulder this burden. Tomorrow I will wake up and know that this is not exactly the case but for right now...someone just hug me. And be my personal assistant this quarter, please. And maybe give me $15,000, that would be nice.

hello awkward life

2010-01-04T22:25:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those days when things are just OVERWHELMING? And these are like regular random things, like seeing people. Being near humans. Being near large quantities of regular, living human.

Today was all over the place. Yeah, coming back to school after a three-week lapse is bound to be a little strange, but I highly doubt that what I experienced today could be considered normal.

Let's start with French class. First off can I just say that three weeks, though it is apparently not enough time to forget about some things, seems to be JUST enough time to forget about 10 weeks worth of the French language. I stood there getting really nervous and awkwardly perspiring with my confused face on (this is not cute) as she blabbered on in French. I felt like I SHOULD have known what she was saying, and okay I really should have known what she was saying, but I just sat there listening and randomly caught her saying things like "today" and "you ask" and great things like that. Luckily for me my skills at piecing together sentences were...also not intact. Fail.

Lunch was a nice catch up session with J. After almost (unintentionally) stealing our pizzas, we caught up and talked about study abroad, winter break, tattoos, random people, etc. SO overall quite a success minus the three people who passed by and STARED at me, it was SO WEIRD. DID I HAVE PIZZA ON MY FACE? DID A BIRD POOP ON MY HAIR? I am not some exhibition creature guys, girls eat pizza too okay?! I thought this was like a known fact but APPARENTLY NOT.

Then I went to English. Here finally I was out-awkwarded by my TA who seemed to be a little overwhelmed at teaching this class of thirty students. Really, I would not be worried. I mean, one guy came in wearing crocs. I'm sorry, I would not be intimidated of this.

Okay I'm just kidding. Footwear really does not tell you anything about how smart someone is (he's probably a genius who doesn't have enough time to match regular-people shoes to his outfit because he's busy tying guns to trees with Al Gore in the fight against global warming -- SNL anyone??!!?).

Anyway. She was semi-nervous which made me feel a LITTLE better, cause my heart rate was up and my palms were sweaty (knees weak, arms are heavy) from running around a completely undiscovered area of campus trying to find my damn English class. REALLY, who schedules English classes in the Computer Science building? COME ON PEOPLE.

Afterwards I met up with Monique and my crazy found an outlet. Awkwardly ran into people and just pretended to NOT, kept laughing at things that were not funny in order to pretend that I actually have a life and/or sense of humor as I passed said awkward persons. Also I learned a new yoga pose (?) that is kind of like the fetal position, face down on the floor. It was fun, I like to think it helped me zen out after my crazy but then again, I'm not so sure. Monique says it helps cause your center of gravity is very close to the ground or your core or SOMETHING, I wasn't really listening, I was making puppy/dinosaur noises and thinking about taping my fingers together to see how it would feel to be a T-rex. Do I have ADD?

Open windows are also great, I've decided.

example one:

S and I are sitting in a car and two guys walk buy. Guy one does a double take.

S: HE TOTALLY DID A DOUBLE TAKE

C: IT'S CAUSE I'M HAAAAWT

S: YOU KNOW IT GIRL

C: EW LOOOK HE JUST SPIT WHAT A NASTYYYY

S: shit the window's open.

Yeah I'm pretty sure he heard us, and yes we do speak in Caps Lock in regular life.

example two:

M and I are driving by the bus stop and we see D there.

C: D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

car screeches to a stop.

M: D!!!!! D! D! D!!!!!!!!!!!

D waves.

car speeds off

We are non-awkward, I love it.

Open windows are great.

And today I went to Target and I did NOT buy chocolate! OR really cute wall hangings! OR makeup! Except I did buy makeup.

Anyway, I closed off the crazy day by eating leftover Thai food and blasting the greatest hits of pop music whilst singing obnoxiously loud with my lovely roommate. We also made THE MOST DELICIOUS GUACAMOLE EVER, seriously this guaco was ahhh-mazing. And we watched Sex & The City. All in all a rather uneventfully eventful day, if you catch my drift.

And yeah I decided that I need a little time before I can be integrated back into college society. Today, I was just really off my rocker. It was so weird. Funny, but weird.

It just felt weird to be back. Weird to be another face in the crowd that nobody really gives a hoot about. Maybe that was why I was so weird today, it was some sort of sad effort at separating myself from the masses. Well it definitely worked, I'm pretty sure the amount of people who think I am probably crazy has doubled since I set foot on campus at 10:30 this morning. All in a day's work.

Monique summed it up pretty well -- I was just overwhelmed. By people, "feelings", study abroad, the mystery of my missing check, housing, people I don't like, classes I am waitlisted for, being a failure at French, my ethernet not working, oh crap I need to turn in my rent. EVERYTHING. This must be how babies feel when they are birthed into this strange world of adult-sized people saying things that they don't understand and living lives that they don't understand. I'm a fetus guys.

It was also weird that I saw pretty much EVERYONE today. Everyone being, people I wasn't aware that I would run into. Yeah there are lots of people here to run into. I don't know, just imagine every single emotion you have EVER felt, and then imagine feeling them ALL at the same time, and then you pretty much have my day. Wild huh?

Oh and the greatest tidbit maybe. I ran to the bus just as the doors closed and screeched (seriously screeched, you know I make weird noises): NOOOooOooOOOO!

The driver opened it and said, "well, that works." So, semi-embarrassed, I thumped up the stairs and saw someone really familiar looking sitting in the first seat. "Hey!" he said. "HEYYYY," I said, smiling, and then proceeded to the back of the bus. It wasn't till I plopped myself down that I realized it was STEAK BOYYYY. HAHAHA I guess sometimes people who take you on nine hour dates don't really leave a lasting impression? What is WRONG with me.

Anywho. Hopefully life will settle down a little bit in the coming days, I'd like to not feel so alien and strange all the time. Or maybe I'll just stay this hyper and crazy, it's fun for everyone. If you think about it there are only 50 days this quarter, cause 10 weeks times 5 days of class is 50, and then subtract today and some random day we have off and it's 48 days!!! Isn't that uplifting!?!? 48 more days of awkward life!!! I'm excited!!!

dear self,

2010-01-03T17:08:00.000-08:00

You miss ice skating. YOU DO. Stop ignoring that fact, start making more effort to get it back into your life.

Today I watched the Stars on Ice special on NBC and I sat there and was jealous of them for being able to do that all their life. I watched and something in me woke up and said HEY, THAT COULD BE YOU. Okay, on a smaller scale, but dammit, I want it back.

So 2010,

I will be on the ice during spring break and in the summer. I will try to get a job as a skating teacher, and I will try to perform at some cheesy little exhibition or SOMETHING. I WILL.

Dear self, you also really need your drivers license.

The fact that you can never spell 'license' correctly without spell-check does NOT take from the fact that YOU NEED ONE. DESPERATELY. You complain of dependency and feeling trapped and YET, not once over break did you practice driving with your father and further yourself onto this path that you have elongated unnecessarily.

In 2010, I WILL GET MY LICENSE and dammit I spelled it wrong again. Thank you gods of google chrome.

Dear self, you should also probably get healthier. Eating & portioning right is more fun than cramming your face with pounds upon pounds of preservatives and chemicalized food. ALSO, SALT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! It is not its own food group, stop treating it like it is.

Dear self, you used to be flexible once. Now when your ham strings hurt when you stretch it DOES mean that you are old and decrepit. Stretching is good for blood flow and fitness and all that other mumbo jumbo, take some time out of your (NON) busy life to STRETCH, maybe it will make you happier and more sprightly.

Good job for buying floss and milk today at the store. Pat on the back.

Dear self, making decisions is good. Remembering that you have goals for the future is also good. And remembering that you DO want to live past twenty five and DO NOT want to die of liver failure would probably be beneficial when you have to make some decisions. Sleeping at normal hours is also good.

Dear self, packing your clothes at 3:00 AM should not make you want to cry. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF. STOP BUYING THINGS. You could clothe a small country. Remember, you are just ONE GIRL. Not a small country.

Instead of buying more clothes, remember that you DO want to buy a DSLR and that you DO want to go to Australia, and that you should probably start saving for retirement and fancy things like that.

---

That was semi-weird. Anyway. I am back in Irvine, and un-packing all my STUFF made me want to cry (again), my laptop experiencing difficulty made me want to cry (again), and sitting here thinking of the next ten weeks makes me...want to sleep forever. Or run home. And you know how much I hate running so take this to heart.

Irvine. Oh, Irvine. I return to you with such bitterness in my heart. Feelings of frustration and anxiety and depression clog the pipes of my mind like the drain of a bathtub of a very hairy man.

I just can't explain, but I do feel so very trapped here. It is all so planned out and perfect. I really can't explain. But the good thing is, I have GOALS for this quarter.

Goals are like shiny things in your pocket that you keep around so that, when you start considering your pillow and that box of chocolates your best friend, and yes this will be happening in the near future, you can drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning and do the whole damn thing again BECAUSE you want to

-write for the New U and perhaps reach out to the souls of the soulless. Discover if there are real people out there. Good luck, here is a flashlight.

-DECLARE your major and minor, so when people ask what major you are, you don't have to lie and tell long stories about feeling lost and directionless and trying to find your identity and bogus bat-shit stuff like that, nobody really cares. Let's keep it simple. Declare a major and minor and there you have it, simple, one-word answers.

-get your plan together to go to freaking Australia, so you can hug kangaroos and koalas (that are supposedly mean, but what gives, you'll find out for yourself) and scuba dive (even though you suck at it) and stay there long enough that you start sounding like those seagulls from Finding Nemo. Also hopefully pick up some culture and discard your ignorance and stop saying "crikey she's a beaut" when talking about Australia.

-SAVE MONEY, because you have TOO MUCH STUFF. George Clooney in Up In The Air and his backpack theory would not approve. (PS this is a very good movie, up for 6 Academy Awards, go watch plz.)

Also, other things to keep you happy when life is not the cat's meow or something:

-THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Hopefully George will be spectating and you will get to spectate George spectating. Do remember to still attend classes.

-Academy Awards & watching all the nominated movies. Culture yourself, do it. Culture yourself online for free, even better. Then make predictions and yell at the TV and all that good stuff. Awards shows = your equivalent to these basketball games people keep talking about.

-TV shows that have come highly recommended: 30 Rock, Glee, Entourage, Weeds. Do it. Be a hermit. Watch every single episode without leaving the comfort of your room.

-On the other hand SUNSHINE is a useful happiness-tool. Vitamin D yourself, but also SPF yourself.

-Reading for fun, people used to do it back in the day, some people have forgotten how, you fortunately live in the past and DO remember these things that they call "books", and well HEY you own a few! Let's crack em open!

Thinking positive is good. If that doesn't work, being cynical and making fun of anything that you can make fun of will probably be good. Making fun of people who don't know that they are being made fun of to their face is fun but not so good for your karma. Making fun of people who can hear you making fun of them is the worst. Karma is not your friend, being 10+ feet away from people and then opening your loud mouth is your friend.

Challenging yourself is good, because trying new things is good. Trying and failing is also good, because then you learn more about yourself and ALSO get to console yourself by eating lots of failure-food. And crying, you haven't done that in a while, I hear that's good for you too.

I am so weird right now. Whatever. Stay weird everyone, it makes life better. HAY 2010, I hope you are ready to be...had...yes.

P.S. You spend entirely too much time on facebook. Your internet "friends" are NOT THAT INTERESTING!!

a 2009 recap

2010-01-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

I think I did a really good job documenting 2009. 97 posts on this blog, 1145 tweets, photo albums from every month on facebook, and then a BOATLOAD of random memorabilia on various tumblr accounts. Tumblr = my miscellaneous drawer. I love it with a burning passion.

Anyway, I hardly even remember what happened this year. But who needs to, when you have technology working for you the way that I do? I guess part of the reason why I document so much of what happens in my life is because I'm always afraid of forgetting. Alzheimers IS one of my greatest fears. I'm getting sidetracked. What I mean to say is, right now, looking back, I hardly remember what happened in 2009 and how these events brought me to where I am now. I read a couple of posts from December 2008 and damn I feel different. In a good way, in a bad way, who can really say? But I'll resort to a Vanessa Carlton lyric that somehow always lodges itself into my brain at times like these:

"I feel so far from where I've been."

But yes, if I've learned anything at all, it's that everything is always moving. Constantly changing. My efforts to hold onto moments and remember the happenings is just evidence of how much things can change in fleeting moments. No matter what, you'll never remember it exactly as it was.

January 2009

-Rang in the New Year with the greatest of friends at Meher's house. I still remember Natalie saying "this is the only year we can still wear those glasses, because next year we'll have a bar in the middle of our face!" Trudat, double true.

-I browsed through my January 2009 pictures and it's nice to see I've pretty much spent the entire year with the same people. The same faces in those pictures but I feel so much closer to them, which I love.

February 2009

-February was a very happy month, full of lounging in the park or at various beaches, exploring in Pasadena, LMFAO concert, Beatles music...etc.

-This was the month of the car hustla/aspiring screenwriter.

-Happy birthday TWITTER, 2/8. <3>

March 2009

-March was just as good, if not better.

-The month of spring break! Surprisingly I did not go to Miami or somewhere and prance around in a tiny bikini while gyrating my hips to the party tunes as beer and roofies rained down around me. INSTEAD, Nate and Crystal and I roadtripped our way home. I look back at this very fondly.

April 2009

-BIRTHDAY MONTH! I turned 18 years old. Legally an adult. Time for some responsibility. Or, you know, not. Midnight brought phone calls and texts and IMs from people I love, then I had a very fun birthday dinner and quite the birthday party...hahaha.

-And this was the month I started the lil sis program for PAPhi. WOOPWOOP...made some friends, had some adventures, learned some lessons, yafeel? I think it opened my eyes to a lot of people-business. Goodbye, naivete.

May 2009

-A busy month. I think I was mostly taken up with the lil sis thing, lots of hanging outs with peoples. And I got a job this month at the Zot N Go, happy seven months, job.

-Cartilage piercing!

June 2009

-HELLO SUMMER! & hello summer school.....moved into my apartment in Irvine. And BRING ON THE SUMMER FUN!

-I went to my first rave - EDC! (:

-In general, June was just about cool summer nights and hot summer days, socializing excessively, eating too much, shopping a lot, getting tan, staying out late, sleeping in, breaking rules, all the regular summer goodness.

July 2009

-More of the same( :

-This month, I chased grunions and made some memorable insta-friends.

-"More and more, the every day roller coaster is teaching me how to depend on myself and where to find the people to truly count on."

-July, I just wanted more, more, more. More of everything. Hahaha, sigh.

August 2009

-What a month of revelations!

-Camping trip with some sluts. Probably one of my favorite memories from summer 09, and what great fun it was. It was nice to be without technology for a while and to just enjoy the company of your friends, and to be gloriously dirty and physically exhausted and not give a damn. Being tan is also fun. Being bowlegged is not.

-I GOT MY PERMIT! AHHAHAHAHA -_- Am I a grown up yet?

-Was reminded of how much I miss ice skating.

-My trip to the motherland brought a lot of new things to think about to my plate, as well as a lot of understanding and renewed appreciation for my life...and a general push to work harder and fulfill potential, or something like that.

September 2009

-back to school. I entered the quarter ready to get down to business, very goal-oriented, yadayada. I think I lost it somewhere along the way.

-rushed Greek. Learned a lot about myself and others. Stress. Tried harder to understand this concept of "being yourself".

-but I did sign up for a lot of stuff. Kept my job at Zot N Go, discovered a subject that I'm really interested in (anthropology), got a position on the yearbook staff, started the process of becoming a writer for the paper, and got an internship for student govt.

October 2009

-was a ridiculous month. I guess I got sucked into this identity crisis sort of deal and had some struggles figuring that out, but I also had a lot of fun.

-Went to my third Jason Mraz concert, saw Gym Class Heroes and Shwayze, and had quite a Halloween. Also randomly made things happen and ended up going to the Gen Art fashion show in LA, which turned into the birthing of the fuckupellas as well as a sad attempt at a fashion blog and, later on, a realization that I am not fashionista material. I will just blog about other things, haha.

-started valuing the power of DGAF. And yeah, there was much rambling and craziness on my blog in October. "WHO AM I/WHERE AM I GOING" type teen angst, all in a days work.

November 2009

-another socially busy month with a side of more teen-angst, blog style.

-Saw The-Dream, discovered revolving sushi, had a nice adventure day & re-fell in love with swinging, meteor showers, cooked a lot more at my apartment...generally I think I learned to appreciate the littler things in life, and started trying to slow myself down.

-Thanksgiving was spent in Reno with my family. Thought a lot about things that I am thankful for.

December 2009

-Meet my new boyfriend: the Disneyland annual pass.

-birthed my tumblr. LOVE<3

-HOME & amazing friends...I am really so, so lucky. I don't think I could ever find a group as hilarious and trustworthy and just off the wall cool...awzm (:

So for 2010, goals...keep blogging? Keep documenting, keep thinking (but less overthinking).

And staying FOCUSED! Being the best I can be -- staying motivated and ambitious when it comes to school stuff, getting healthier cause I figure my body took a massive beating in 2009, and being more decisive.

ANYWAY, overall, I just feel like events in 2009 taught me so much and opened my eyes to how the world works slash how I function, as well. 2010 I'm definitely going to keep learning and I'm excited for whatever is coming up, because basically we just keep learning until we die, and I think that's kinda great.

HAPPY NEW YEAR (:

merry christmas

2009-12-25T02:22:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas friends! (:

Someone asked me today: what did you want for Christmas?

I couldn't really think of anything off the top of my head; most of the things that I want cost a lot of money and are things that I want to work towards and save for myself (slr, France $$, snowboard). Other things that I want are things that have to be earned as well, things like the capacity for caring more about things, the ability to be happy with what I have, the ability to appreciate and share that appreciation.

So I told him that. His response? Wow, you've changed.

On the contrary I think I've always wanted those things, maybe I just never voiced them clearly enough. I guess getting absorbed into materialism and the consumer culture is easier than remembering what really matters in life...but then what REALLY matters anyway?

I think what matters now is improving relationships with people and remembering that people are around to make you laugh and to pull you out of ruts. What matters is...that in the future I keep remembering to be a good person, to remember what values I cherish most, to remember who I am past all these surface-type labels.

This is turning into a new-years-resolution type post and TRUST ME I'm already prepared for that one, so I'll stop now. I don't even know why I'm blogging. It's Christmas, I just decorated 25 cupcakes, overloaded on sugar, I have a kitchen to clean, I'm sleepy...Off to snoozeland I go. Must wake up early for matinee showing of Sherlock Holmes, love being Asian.

P.S. Christmas isn't about WANTING. Every day that we live is about wanting.

break-induced crazy

2009-12-22T15:28:00.000-08:00

When someone says, "I have a feeling you'll like this" or some other statement that indicates the fact that they THINK they know you well enough to judge whether or not you will enjoy the next tidbit that they present to you, doesn't that kinda sorta force you into a little corner and make you a little more prone to actually liking it? Or pretending to like it, at least?

I mean, you can't really say, "This is kinda lame. I can't believe you thought I'd like this." Cause what they pick for you to like is kind of their perception of who you are, so in a way, I guess they're testing how close they got to the bulls-eye.

The best I can muster up is a "aw yeah! This is funny." Or something like that. Just bear with them for the moment, realize how much they fail at knowing you, work on letting them get to know you better, and then never talk about that one failed tidbit ever again. Life goes on.

I'm always totally insecure about picking things for people. "You know what I like" -- this statement sometimes scares the bejeezus out of me, unless I do know that I know what they like. It comes off as a kind of test to me, like, "hey we've been friends this long, if you forgot that I totally hate peanuts then why the eff are you still hanging out with me" type thing.

Another thing -- I used to take these online personality test things a lot, just for fun, just to kill time. I think I liked having myself simply laid out by a few general statements, just because it was something I could put a finger on and be like, "ah! Yes, I do agree, this statement often pertains to the way that I behave in everyday life."

Somewhere though, did I get too used to being told how I am? Did I get too accustomed to relying on outside sources to share some insight on how I myself behave? Shouldn't it just be me figuring this stuff out? Maybe I'm too stuck in my own head to actually see myself for whoever I am. But then again maybe I'm also very interested in how others see me, and maybe that's how I define myself (???) but I'm always really interested to hear about peoples' first impressions of me and how they JUDGE me, etc.

Anyway, one random day on the Internet I found this name analysis type deal. I got linked from Jason Mraz' blog, yes I read his blog, no I am not some infatuated little fangirl, I just think he has some nice insights every once in a while when he's not too busy trying to convert everyone into hippie love machines striking downward facing dog poses.

The verdict:

* The name Chery gives you a strongly independent and highly creative nature, with drive and ambition to have experiences and accomplish things out of the ordinary.

* You can work intently at whatever is new and holds your interest at the moment, but your interest wanes quickly when drudgery and monotony set in.

* Obstacles to your progress or restrictions on your freedom to act create a sense of frustration which may cause you to feel resentful and even rebellious.

* You can then become intolerant of others, and caustic and belittling in your expression, thereby imposing stress on your personal relationships.

* Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus.

So do I merely agree with these statements BECAUSE they are true, or are they true because this bogus name-meaning-generator told me it is so?

And another question: am I going crazy because it is break and I have absolutely nothing to do, or is it break because I am going crazy from having nothing to do?

the great thing about pants

2009-12-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

Or shoes, for that matter.

They come with a receipt. And a return policy. And a visible price tag! In life, none of this is offered. More on this later.

Conversation with my sister (who is startlingly similar to me in our approaches to zee "love life" or lack thereof…)

amy: cant
amy: stoppp
amy: thinking
amy: abt
amy: pants
me: lmao
me: i thought you were gonna say [boy]
me: i'm so glad you didnt
amy: i think im in .... love?
me: LOL
me: then go get the pants
me: if its true love
me: they'll wait for you
amy: noo
amy: but i want them.. NOW
amy: ohh mommmaa needs her sugarrrrr

Sometimes it freaks me out how similar we are. Oh but if only all life were like this! THINK ABOUT IT…

You walk into the store (aka life) not really wanting anything, just set on the idea that if anything surprises you and tickles your fancy enough you will consider it for a while and then purchase it, if you think it's worth it. Simple as that.

And it's so easy to find something that you fall in love with in a store, because they're so upfront and honest with you! You know how much they will cost you. You can try them on for as long as you want to see if they're a good fit. And you know that when it all comes down to it, you can just return them if the relationship is not working out!

Moral of the story: boys need price tags. And return policies.

Part deux: similarities between search for boys and search for shoes.

1. Appearance

No crocs. Must be nice looking, and us girls love to outdo each other with our cute accessories. Appearance of shoes (or boys I guess) tells you a lot about the person wearing them. This of course is the first factor that draws you in, the others come later as you try the shoes on. Or the boy.

2. Comfort
Pretty self-explanatory. Shoes or boy must not give you blisters from rubbing you the wrong way, be it physical blisters or emotional ones. Must be able to hang out with said shoes/boy for long periods of time without wanting to cry and/or escape.

3. Price range

Q: Is it worth it?
Q: If I don't buy them now, will I still be thinking of them? Will I regret it?
Q: Will the payback come? AKA will I get the maximum amount of bang for my buck? (K that sounds wrong when thinking of males)

4. Uniqueness

Shoes/boy should reflect your essential style. If it fits in with who you are as a unique entity, DO IT.

Shoe shopping is so much easier than life.

Then again, a pair of shoes won't make you laugh. Except for maybe these shoes. HAH..

cool

2009-12-17T00:40:00.000-08:00

When people tell you you're cool, what does that make you think?

I'm so awkward with compliments. As C says I should learn to just smile and say "thanks" but any form of flattery makes me feel totes awk.

Maybe this stems from my childhood, like when my parentals showed me off to the relatives...

relatives: oh you're so pretty!!
me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: and cute!!!!11!!1!!!

me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: and your mom tells me you're so smart, too!!11!!1!

me: heh heh thanks...........

relatives: (cheek pinching/fast Indonesian and raucous laughter with my parents)

me: (awkward face, awkward shuffle away)

yeah, I'm sure we've all been in THAT situation. I think my instinct now is to totally negate any incoming compliments completely, so I'll respond with a "ohhh, heh heh nooo, not at allll...."/awkward-face combo that is sure to win them all.

Sigh compliments. I think mostly I'd rather be complimented on something I actively think about/choose for myself, not something inherent or genetic. Yeah I don't know, but should compliments be kept for things that people actually work for? Like they work hard or decide something and you're like hey, good job. Not like oh hey, you were born with nice hair, good job. Like when I say "thanks" I feel like I should be proud of whatever they're complimenting me on, not just cause I happen to be a certain way. Okay, I think too much.

I just need to learn how to accept compliments graciously, I guess. I feel like such a non-lady in this aspect. I bet Audrey Hepburn doesn't even have an awkward face....but whatever. I'm weird and awkward that way, love me please. ):

IDK. Do I even pay compliments? Maybe I should pay more. Anyway, yeah. BE COOL. I'm starting to hate this word. It just sounds weird.

Reminds me of French class
Oui! D'accord! COOL!

And Nicolas with his Montreal accent says COOL in ze most perfect way, tres bien. Oui, oui.

I'm scared.

2009-12-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

There, I said it.

miscellaneous bullet points

2009-12-09T14:47:00.001-08:00

-I always wake up feeling sad nowadays; in those spare moments between sleeping and waking my emotions are suspended in thin air. They tip over to the melancholy arena and I slowly gather consciousness as a strange sadness fills me to the core. It's a feeling I'm getting used to but I'm questioning why in the world it's there...but I ignore it's presence, put it aside, and force myself awake and out of bed and into another meaningless day. But if there's anything I've learned it's that you can't discard a feeling. So what is this really? Loneliness? Lack of meaning in my life? Lack of tangible goals? It could be a million different things.

ANYWAY, I don't mean to start the post on such a blue note...

-Currently pulling together a recap of 2009 post of EPIC PROPORTIONS...coming soon (deep theater man voice)

-SHAWTY WHATCHO NAME IS? I love me my divas; Beyonce and Lady GaGa = a match made in heaven.

-My roommate and I are entering another dangerous dip phase. Last year we bought 3 jars of spinach dip and ate it on everything until the mention of it's name triggered our gag reflexes. Earlier this year our obsession with homemade guacamole amounted to us buying x number of avocados... and now we have moved on to cheese dip. It was bound to come to this. SALSA CON QUESO, anyone??? My love for this dip is long lasting, I think I loved it since summer before senior year (holy CRAP that was a long time ago). And cheese is something I am especially picky about, so lemmetellya. This is good shit.

-Planning on ending my 3-week pescetarianism this Friday at Disneyland with a celebratory TURKEY LEGGGG

-Finals = finding LOTS of ways to entertain myself on the intarwebZ. I've found a trillion sites and blogs that I will probably love long time.

-tumblr.com. SERIOUSLY, DO IT. Seriously. Another shameless plug; http://internalogic.tumblr.com

-X-mas list as of right now: a really long ethernet cord so I can browse the web from the kitchen counter (aka my new favorite hangout) OR wifi, OmmWriter for PCs, and $15,000 for study abroad in the Fall. Bill Gates can you hear me? I have been so good this year...

Or ya know...being home for Christmas is always good.

i love the internet

2009-12-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

Especially during finals week. I'll elaborate later....but for now I'm using this as a plug to my most recent love affair.

HTTP://INTERNALOGIC.TUMBLR.COM

Everyone...hop on board. Seriously, I guarantee you will love it as much as I do (and Nate does)

ebert & roeper style

2009-12-03T01:50:00.001-08:00

Two thumbs up to magazine arrivals in the mail. Taylor on the cover of InStyle, Blake on the cover of Nylon, and SJP (iffffy, but okay) on the cover of Elle? I am QUITE satisfied.

One thumb up to mushroom/spinach/cheese quesadillas. My vegetarianism continues successfully......but yes I am feenin for an in-n-out burger or some kbbq. SIGH.

Two thumbs up to the strengthening of the Nexxus of Spite.

Two thumbs up to me dragging my sleepy ass out of bed at 9:15, 45 minutes later than usual, and still managing to make it to class on time, even though I looked like I fell down the rabbit hole. Can this get three thumbs up actually? I'm really proud of myself.

One thumb up to having great conversations/super chill visits with friends I click-click-click with. Insight, injuries, laughter and discussion galore...but only one thumb up because I intended to stay for an hour and ended up staying for three.

Two thumbs up for people I can be weird around. People who enjoy my cross-eyed dinosaur faces and my french-fry lovin habits. My fondness for weirdness GROWS AND GROWS. From anthro: "anthropology teaches us that people do weird things but they don't do them randomly. They have their reasons...their behavior follows a pattern. It has an internal logic." ...two big thumbs up for internal logic. heh.

One thumb up to John Mayer's CD, Battle Studies. And for actually downloading off the music thread in general, YAY.

No thumbs up to my final tomorrow. Actually one thumb up cause I really DGAF about this class (hah, future major maybe) and plus it's just another one to get through.

Two thumbs up to DISNEYLAND THIS FRIDAY!!! PLUS a Disneyland pass?!? PLEASE let this work.....I'm getting my other digits involved into this bullet point and crossing all my fingers.

No thumbs up to everyone and their dog being sick, even my friend's computer got a virus (ha, ha, ha......)

One thumb up to plans for baking cupcakes next Wednesday: planning on trying out recipes for gingerbread cupcakes or peppermint cupcakes or something holiday-like...

One thumb up to crafty creative thoughts about gift-wrapping and gift-purchasing and wishlists. Only one thumb because I have not the bank account to afford to wrap my gifts so lavishly or even purchase the items I wish I could for the dear ones in my life.

No thumbs up to discovering that UCI = high school, sans parents.

One thumb up to endless apricot blossom green tea addiction. This would get two thumbs up except for the fact that it swellllls my bladder and makes me pee in public restrooms, which I HATE.

No thumbs up to my messy messy room, you can hardly see the floor. And my laundry awaits.

No thumbs up to SHITTT it's 2:00 time to actually get work done......bye.

blog barf

2009-11-29T19:48:00.000-08:00

It seems to be an appropriate time to blog, considering the fact that I found out within the span of ten shocking minutes that I have a quiz and homework due tomorrow, as well as a final on Thursday for Anthro. Good thing I didn't go to Anthro at all last week. Oh week 9, how far away and lost you are to me.

So, I sit here neglecting my "responsibilities", as I am so apt to do. Instead of getting a move on my ridiculous student life, I watched "Above and BEYONCE" (clever, right?) on Fuse for an hour as I munched on tortilla chips and fresh-made guacamole. Beyonce is the greatest diva ever and I love her.

After realizing I spent a good hour polishing off that avocado and watching Beyonce transform from her glammed out, big hair, booty shakin days to her more sleek and polished...booty shakin (complete with robot hand), I headed to my bomb shelter of a room and decided that things must be done! So I blog.

Currently I am updating my iPod after what feels like a decade of not doing so. Sometime in the summer I accidentally pressed "sync" and about half of the songs from my PC library got deleted. Every time after that when I plugged my iPod into my laptop to add new songs, more oldies disappeared. Today I am taking the plunge and recklessly deleting all my old music and resorting to only having the music from my laptop on my iPod. Will I regret this? Maybe. Probably. Because what will I ever do when I just want to listen to music from the Hairspray soundtrack?? And this actually happens more often then you would think. But hi-ho, I can't be stuck in the past forever, and no regrets, yada yada yada. I know I'm being a little dramatic for JUST an iPod but...SIGH. I had been building that library for a good four years and now it is all going to music heaven in one fell swoop. Actually it's taking kind of a long time and those rotating arrows are killing me slowly.

ANYWAY, I have also been munching on these amazing dark chocolate/peppermint bark morsels from Dove. It always confused me when I saw Dove products in the candy aisle because I was like, what? Soap? Candy? What? BUT yeah these babies are delicious. Got me thinking of making a batch of peppermint bark sometime in the future. Another great thing about these is that every wrapper comes with a quick holiday tip from MARTHA STEWART HERSELF...in the past five minutes I have eaten three (do not judge) and have received the following holiday tips from the home-ec goddess:

-Try printing your own labels to personalize holiday tins.

-Use cake stands to serve food on your buffet table.

-Keep poinsettias out of drafty spaces.

I must admit they are rather drab pieces of advice, but these little tips have me unwrapping more and more chocolates. NOT because I am a fatty and want to taste the deliciously rich chocolate and peppermint medley melting in my mouth and seeping into my system...just because I want to read what Martha has to say. I mean, she went to jail, guys. If that doesn't equal life experiences/life advice then I don't know WHAT does.

But these holiday tips do have me in a rather festive moods. Plans are formulating in my mind; plans of turning myself into a cupcake factory and delivering home made cupcakes to everyone I like (making a list, checking it twice), plans of making aforementioned peppermint bark, along with cake balls and home-made ornaments, etc. etc. etc. Just call me Martha Jr.

The thing is though, these plans will probably not come to fruition. Well, aside from the cupcakes. I mean...my apartment is bare enough as it is and the wonderland of pine garlands and twinkly lights that I dream of would take sooo much EFFORT and MONEY. And I am quite short on both. SIGH, we'll see. Finals will roll around and I will suddenly find myself with SO much time and energy to do anything (but study) so...I guess I will keep you updated on my holiday cheer-meter.

Speaking of holiday cheer....Thanksgiving was not full of it. I'm sorry, I know it's a great holiday and all, but my parents freaking took me to Reno. Las Vegas' trampy little wannabe sister. It was so, so depressing.

Thursday evening we arrived at the hotel, with the casino on the first floor as usual. It was around 6pm, right when most families are sitting down ready to carve the (hopefully moist) turkey. And the casino was populated with older, lonely people. Sipping a beer or smoking a cigarette, seated at a slot machine with no friends or smiles in sight. It was really sad. Is this what some people are destined for? And if this is how they spend their Thanksgiving you can only imagine what the rest of their days are like.

Throughout the whole trip I saw sad people like that. The over-eager waitress with thick eyeliner trying to make her Thanksgiving better than it was, the family at the buffet with fighting kids until the mother told them to "shut the fuck up".....things like that. SIGH RENO, why you bummin me out.

Maybe it's my fault for thinking about this too much and maybe they shouldn't even be pitied to begin with. Who am I to judge and say that their lives are so sad and small? Certainly it's not something I would want for myself but then again it's only a glimpse of what I see of their lives, and I'm so quick to judge and assume and pity them. For all I know they could actually be so much happier than it seems. But also maybe not.

Anyway. Recently I guess I've been doubting everything I do. And when I say everything I mean everything. Motives, consequences, every single little thing. Maybe it was sitting in the car plugged into my iPod for a grand total of like...twelve hours that did it. Too much time to think. Thinking usually means looking back and grating on myself for past mistakes and regrets, and yes I will not lie, I regret a LOT of stuff from back in the day. I don't want to go back and dig up all these past mistakes so I should just...leave them in the ground, right? So I'm so set on doing that but at the same time I can't stop looking back and wishing I did something else, said something else, chose something else.

This second guessing just leads to more second guessing in the present. And about the future, I guess. I'm asking myself too much...and things I was so sure about just a couple weeks ago seem so distant and uncertain now. I don't know what is going to bring about some solidarity in my life but maybe I should just get used to this up in the air feeling.

And speaking of up in the air...my plane ride from SJ to the OC was delightful. I love being a stranger. Absolutely adore it. And also that feeling that you get, right as you take off, when your stomach drops a little bit and you don't know whether or not you're going to die...I love that feeling. It's the uncertainty, the tiny moment that you hang in the air wondering if you're going to fall in some spectacular crash of flame and metal, or if you're going to catch the wind and soar, continue on your way. That moment gives me such peace, that moment when I feel like I might just die. This sounds really morbid. But I really like that moment -- reminiscent of a Tyler Durden "near-life experience" type thing. And I really like turbulence...and we had a lot, surprisingly.

Plane rides just make me happy in general. Feeling so far from the world below with it's grounding tendencies is refreshing and I love being in the air away from it all. The houses slowly getting back to regular size always bums me out a little bit.

I talked with my friend about plans today. He's a meticulous planner, very methodical, very thought-out, and he always follows through with his plans. Whereas I am a planner, but have much less follow-through. I don't know whether to consider this a good or bad thing, I guess there are some moments for both sides. Just that....the plans I have right now...I really want them to happen. And it scares me knowing my tendencies.

But I've made some recent changes.

I am going to stay busy as to avoid this over-thinking. Because thinking makes me dig holes and then I dig giant holes and then I find that I am stuck in these giant holes. Instead, I will keep busy, eat chocolate, and study more. YES.

I've also decided to be a vegetarian. As of today I have not eaten meat for 5 days, I am winning.

I think that's about it...I just got an invitation to go shopping at Nordstrom (WITH AN EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT) and I don't know how to handle this. Hyperventilating. Really wanting to buy shit that I don't really need. Must study. OMG, BRAIN EXPLOSION.

weekends

2009-11-22T22:54:00.001-08:00

Are weekends like bookends? Are they meant solely for propping up the days with more meaning/importance? Do they serve their sole purpose as empty little days just to make the weekdays look nicely put together?

NO. TOTALLY NO.

I love weekends.

I hardly left my apartment yesterday and today, and now that I think about it I pretty much wore sweatpants for almost the whole 48 hours.

I watched a LOT of TV. Sex and the City marathon continues every Saturday night with L & S, and we simultaneously ragged on Carrie for never wearing an effing bra while stuffing our faces with delicious home-made guacamole.

Then today...I thought I would be productive today. I got up, turned on the TV as I made breakfast, and the first thing I heard was..."you're watching the next iron chef MARATHON!!" Oh god, there goes my productivity.

This show has my mouth salivating and my heart pumping and my mind running for the best foods that I have ever experienced. And it inspires me and my roommate to cook more deliciously. And it lengthened my mental grocery list.

Places I want to visit/find over winter break:

-The Red Crane

-The Counter

-Tamarind

-Yiassoo

-Boiling Crab

-Amber Cafe

-more authentic Indian, Mediterranean, Japanese, Korean, Mexican and Vietnamese places

-Downtown Mtn View/Palo Alto

-SF

...and basically find ALL THE BEST FOODS, EVER!!

page 1

2009-11-21T19:47:00.000-08:00

What have you failed at in the past that you now regret? Or what task, project, or goal are you avoiding because it's challenging? Today, start taking it on. And this time, don't be such a pussy when things get tough.

It's hard to answer this prompt because one, I hate thinking about things I regret. I try to live without any regrets but of course they're always going to exist, there's no denying it. And two, I'm avoiding so much, and the more I think about it, the more I realize I've been avoiding things my whole life.

Avoiding making ripples and being comfortable enough to step on some toes. But that's a different issue. My roommate and I are working on this goal: be aggressive. Not necessarily aggressive but more loyal to your desires and the such...and to stop being such a doormat. I seriously need to stop being a doormat.

"So when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. But if you're like most people I know, you give til it hurts...and then you give some more."

-Meredith Grey

Been there, done that. I feel like I have nothing left to give, and I'm just pulled in a million different directions and I can't satisfy anyone or myself.

I'm digressing from the actual prompt. Right now I suppose I'm avoiding researching the study abroad programs that I want to participate in. I've been putting it off and I know that deadlines are going to come up and that if I miss them this year I'll have to rearrange the plans I've made and re-figure it out. Half of me doesn't mind right now, this whole thing is so up in the air and we'll see if I ever make it out of the country at all. Plus financially I'm being drawn to several different areas and I really don't have the money to do everything I want.

In the past I've failed at saving money and getting to my goals...so I need to keep reminding myself to limit the spending.

I'm putting off these plans because I guess it feels so...final. When it comes around it'll come around, but I know that nothing happens unless you make it happen for yourself. I'm just in such a lazy place right now. I just want to sit and make lists.

In the past I have failed at working harder to realize my potential, and in the past I have failed at being honest to whatever rampant emotions take hold. In the past I have failed at keeping the thoughts/words/actions relationship pointed in the same direction. Too many directions.

"Watch your thoughts, they become your words.
Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

Another thing to work on.

And another thing I've failed at in the past is forming my own opinions about things, and I've failed at not letting peoples' judgments get in the way of my decisions. About MY life. I hate judgment, stop the judgment.

There are too many things for me to tackle right now, and all I really want to do is disappear into my big bed and forget the world exists.

There's something so interesting about meeting strangers. Flitting in and out of your life and you don't really know if they're meant to bring you something more than just a name and a greeting.

Another thing I've been avoiding is the gym, but I went today and yesterday and the endorphins are pumpin and YAY! Hah, I tackled one thing. Baby steps.

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford

making wishes

2009-11-17T02:38:00.000-08:00

Birthday candles, shooting stars, 11:11

So many people take these as opportunities to make wishes. As often as they come, I’ll grasp the moment and think of what I want most, and then close my eyes and hope.

“Why bother?” some say, “wishes don’t come true, anyway.”

Not to be a cynic, but I can’t help but agree.

Too often, wishes don’t come true, won’t come true. Should I stop asking for giant magnificent things, things that can’t happen in the blink of an eye?

If wishes came true…I would be living a contradiction. I may be somewhere else, maybe NYC. I would have much more money at my disposal, I would have my closest friends with me. I would have everyone, or I would have no one. I would start over with a blank slate, I would rewind, I would fast forward. I would have talent, stronger will, a better work ethic. I would have that missing something. I would have a secure promise of a successful future, and I would have this recognition of my potential and the knowledge that it will get me somewhere soon. I’ll have my name in the byline, my influence far-reaching. I would have balance and lose the in-betweens. And I wouldn’t get so caught in (what I know are just) momentary lapses, I wouldn’t get stuck in people-ruts.

But as life goes, and as wishes go,

none of these wishes I once made really came true.

I still make wishes every chance I get.

I consider it a moment to step back and pause the world, re-align yourself with yourself and forget about any outside influences puncturing your sphere. Brainstorm — think about what I do have, what I could have, and what I don’t want to have. And the wish I make is usually just for things like courage or focus or discipline, to reach my goals.

My wish is a recognition of what I desire, but that itself is not the wish. The wish is the means of getting there.

So every chance I get I make a wish,

not because I believe some divine entity will grant it to me,

but because it reminds me of what my goals are

and how I can do everything I can to make them come true for myself.

follow your heart

2009-11-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

I've never been very good at this, in any aspect.

Yesterday was an excellent Saturday, consisting of:

-swinging in the park

-all you can eat KBBQ

-browsing Borders whilst sipping hot chocolate

-live guitarist

-wandering through Michaels & Target

-Sex & the City marathon

-all occurring in very good company.

Today was rather different...I went for a run with my roommate to the park and completely DIED. So very out of shape. But I got to swing again.

I think I'm dehydrated.

I bought this journal at Borders yesterday called "Skinny Bitchin." I'm excited to complete it, and I will be posting responses to the prompts.

Today I also wrote a letter to no one (someone), failed at studying for Anthro, formulated plans in my head for future park visits and a zoo trip, and found out that male giraffes often engage in sexual activities with each other.

Also, I've decided that this face :C is stupid.

---

Here is my goal for the week:

"Live more freely, walk more slowly, appreciate more readily. Understand and desire love, pursue love, live in love."

starbucks thoughts

2009-11-14T01:30:00.000-08:00

How inspirational for a pastry bag from Starbucks:

flavors my senses
sweetens my disposition
stirs my imagination
nourishes my dreams

Really? A blueberry scone can do all that?

Au contraire, I found out that blueberry scones are one of the least healthy breakfasts in america…so it’s more like nourishing your obesity.

Going to the farmers market tomorrow morning, where I hope to purchase some dream-nourishing, imagination-stirring, and disposition-sweetening (and actually healthy) foods.

who we are is simply who we can be

2009-11-11T23:01:00.000-08:00

Really? Really, is this identity crisis still going on? I'm dragging it out, maybe intentionally, forcing myself into this dark little hole and hoping to figure out whether or not I can emerge as a put-together butterfly or just stumble out and be the awkward little caterpillar.

I realize I have a hard time being myself. There are very few people that I am truly comfortable around, and even with that, I'm only really truly 100% comfortable around well, myself. When I'm alone and undisturbed. I suppose that's true for everyone...it's just that my public persona and private persona tend to differ so much that I find it hard to balance and still be comfortable when I'm around people. This is hardly making sense, even to me.

I had a nice Veterans' day -- C, M, and I ventured to Costa Mesa and checked out a revolving sushi restaurant. Can I just say that I am officially a huge fan of revolving sushi? Those little plates of 2-3 bucks a pop are rather deceiving though, I ended up spending around $20 including tax and tip so it's NOT THAT CHEAP. No judgement please. But definitely intending to visit much more often, maybe once I save some money.

Over Godzilla rolls and other various DELCIOUS sushi morsels, we talked about what's going on in our lives -- new love interests, old love interests, nonexistant love interests (that was me, lol). C seems like a really wise person. She said that some couples didn't know how to be friends, because they start off on a romantic note instead of basing their relationship off of friendship. It seems like it makes sense to me, although I'm sure it's not always the case.

But that got me thinking. How do we know how to be friends at all? With anyone? Is there some sort of unknown recognition when you look someone in the eyes and realize that you're embarking upon a journey towards getting to know them better, and getting to be comfortable around them? Is there some moment when you subconsciously decide that you are "friends" and then just continue on that way?

For me friendship is an acceptance of one anothers quirks. A knowledge of it, maybe even an expectation of it. And you like the person's weirdness enough to want to hang around a little bit and watch this personality play out and interact with yours.

Tough cookies, though. We can't have quirk resumes and list the little things about us as a person that sets us apart. You can't go around asking people to list off the top of their head the things that make them weird and different from everyone else. Hell, if someone asked me what sets me apart, I would have no effing clue. Blank stare.

I think this goes with my weird comfort thing. It takes me a (really?) long time to get comfortable around someone and start being able to be myself. Usually, I feel that I am just awkward and fake and censored and boring and uncomfortable, among a slew of other MLEHh adjectives. It's because I don't want to offend or alienate, right from the start. Maybe I'm a perennial people-pleaser and just try to make everyone happy and make everyone like me and make everyone think I'm funny, or something. Dammit, am I that insecure?? (Answer: probably.) But seriously, how are they going to know the real me if the person I introduce myself as is often a far throw from the person that I am when I'm comfortable?

So I realize...I need to stop being afraid of stepping on toes. Like M, just to be as YOU as possible and disregard how weird you come off to the other person. Yes, send them LOLCATS bumper stickers even if you met them just a couple days before. Yes, tell them that you just texted them from the toilet. And yes, tell them honestly what is going through your mind at that very moment. And like H said so long ago, who the fuck cares if they don't like you?

That's my goal for this week, I suppose. Being more honest to who I am...aka being the weird person that I can be. When I'm weird it's probably cause I'm just going with my brainwaves. I need to stop second guessing myself and my actions and just go with it, stop holding myself back for fear of losing some. You'll never have them all.

But then again, right now I just feel like the most mundane and boring sack of human to ever walk the face of this earth.

Also it has been brought to my attention that people are surprised to find out that I'm smart. Smart relative to what, I don't know, but it takes a midterm grade or an SAT score to get them to double back and say "Whoa. You're smart?"

Which leaves me with my awkward face on. Heh...no...modest shrug, change topic. But yeah, do I come across as an idiot or something? Is it really surprising to these people that I can be this girl who makes corny jokes and laughs at anything, but also get good grades and be a litttttle book smart? It seems like nobody is giving me this chance to show them my 3-d self. Face value = Chery likes to eat, can make people laugh, etc, boring boring boring.

It makes me wonder about how people think of each other. Being me, I have unusually high expectations for...well...everyone I meet, basically. I know it's stupid. But it's like innocent until proven guilty -- you are smart and funny and interesting until you prove to me that you're some airheaded dumbass douchebag with a lousy sense of humor. Also I realize I tend to wait for people to prove me wrong, and I linger as I try to watch personalities appear.

I feel like I'm starting to sound really creepy and weird. HAHA...I'm just a people watcher I guess. People have always interested me, and now I might even minor in anthropology. As of right now though, I have to study the currents and wind patterns of planet Earth. JOY TO THE WORLD.

slow moments

2009-11-07T16:46:00.001-08:00

Lately I've taken a liking to the slow moments in life. Weekends are times I especially look forward to, not because of the wild crazy college parties...but because of stupid stuff, like being able to sit in front of my laptop for hours on end without having to worry about wasting time or where I need to be or what I need to get done.

I contradict myself, though, because this morning I woke up at 8:45, then 10:00, then finally 11:30...all three times in a relatively minor panic. First thought was what time is it!? Am I late?! It took me a while to realize there was nothing going on that I would be late for, since it was in fact Saturday morning. But I woke ill at ease and the first thing I did this morning when I got out of bed was make a list of all the things I want to accomplish this weekend.

However this list has not really come close to getting completed. Saturday afternoon unraveled nice and slowly for me, with a lot of time just on the internet doing time-wasting things. Then I made myself a delicious and giant breakfast burrito and watched the Sex and the City movie, which confirms to me my desire to get the hell out of the OC and start experiencing real life.

Maybe I'm starting to feel claustrophobic here. Claustrophobic, misguided, and...taken at face value. I just need to learn how to release my inhibitions.

Anyway, I won't go into detail. But slow moments have become the only things I look forward to on a day to day basis now:
-laying in the park, eating extra buttery popcorn and reading my anthro book, as it got chillier and chillier and people walked around immersed in their busy lives
-coming home and improvising a meal, as I browse through oldies and country and jazz on the radio. And then devouring my meal while reading a book.
-and just the quiet moments before I get to sleep where I just think or write or read.

In the long run I'm looking forward to
-receiving my $100 order from Forever 21. Yes, I broke, late one lonely night, and decided that new clothes would make me happier. I am actually very very excited for this.
-POST COLLEGE LIFE.
-Thanksgiving break, and my NorCal sigh of relief. Fresh breath of air, here I come.

My roommate told me about a park not a mile away, and she mentioned that they have swings there. SWINGS! My one love. I'm desperate to go, but there isn't really anyone that I want to accompany me. Should I brave the potential Irvine rapists and go it alone? Or should I compromise my comfort being by myself for guaranteeing some safety?

I listen to a lot more mellow music lately...and I just want to eat dark chocolate and live in my bed, read Elle magazine and hope that the world just dies chaotically by itself, not bothering me in my humble retreat within my comforter. I'll watch from my pillow, and maybe emerge when the sun comes out.

But that's the other weird thing. Usually I hate rain and cold weather in general. Right now, I'm dying for a sharp wind in my face and I'm asking the skies when they'll water the earth again. I can't wait until I come home. And I really just want to get out of the OC.

Empire State of Mind -- Jay Z

I just need to push myself more and fulfill my own expectations. I just feel like I'm letting things slip through the cracks.

happy halloween mnonkin fabkers

2009-11-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

I hate to overuse a cliche but okay, shitshow for sure.

Started off the night at Chipotle! FREE BURRITOS WHAT! The crew I went with ended up going back for seconds...and thirds. NOT FAT, I SWEAR. But yeah I only had 1.3 burritos so whatever y'allll! In retrospect Halloween weekend was like, the worst weekend EVER when caloric intake is concerned.
-five! five dollar footlong! I ate it in...basically one sitting...hahaha.
-burrrrritos YEE
-Del Taco. GOTTA LOVE IT, chicken soft taco, you are my best friend. Fried jalapeno rings, not feelin you as much.
-shots shots shots shot-shot-shots ERRRRBODDDYYY
So fat. SO, so fat. I should really just go back to dating the gym. (Elliptical, I love you, I'm sorry, let's give this a second chance. It could really work this time.)

Then I went to Newport Beach for "Nightmare on 29th"... I don't even know how to start so I will just...list things.

-hoes hoes hoes - the man version, as well as probably some girl versions too LOL. (My annoying side came out as I decided to document lap dances and face-licking of all sorts)
-and drunks. Drunks drunks drunks EVERYWHERE. Horny kind, loud kind, hand-holding kind (LOL), apparently the angry kind...and then just...more drunk people added into the mix. Drunk Tigger with ears askew, drunk Scot in kilt, drunk Donkey Kong, etc etc. Tranny messes, all of you.
-probably dropped my phone a thousand more times, because now it is even MORE crappy and broken-looking, and click-y. THIS IS NOT HOW MY PHONE SHOULD BE, IT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN THREE MONTHS!
-was force fed a shot out of NOWHERE, while I was in the middle of talking. Basically I guess he just poured it into my mouth when I was saying something, I'm guessing something like "WOW" cause you open your mouth big for that one. K I'm gonna stop talking.
-apparently someone punched in the side of a car and then spent the night in the drunk tank.
-also, apparently someone got STABBED on 29th street too...yeah wtfz guys
-basically gave this guy (who flaked on me, which is like #1 offense) shit all night, and punched him with my gold cuff YES. Mission accomplished. But it's okay, because
-he ended up peeing his pants later, HAHAHA!!!!!!! More ON than IN, BUT STILL!!! HAHAHA!!!
-sang along/dance partied to Taylor Swift with the guy who ended up in the drunk tank later
-then found Taylor Swift downstairs
-also met a girl scout and then proceeded to recite the oath whilst pouring Captain Mo, oh how far we have come.
-felt like I was back in Asia because it was literally 938472387 degrees in the house, plus sweaty humidity, so basically I felt like I was inhaling a mixture of BO and alcohol all night, which was definitely a highlight. NO.
-I made a Jewish friend named MITCH!
-someone randomly picked me up as a big sis, which is funny because 1. neither of us are affiliated because we both de-pledged/deferred and because 2. just wtf HAHAHA...oh well he offered me lunch so I will be taking advantage of this accordingly
-got hit on (?????) by very drunk/very taken boy...LOL but I dodged that bullet whew
-and got hugged a lot, which I really was not enjoying, because I mean, it was 23984793874 degrees in there, do we really need to share our body warmth? Really? Come on guys.

Then we stopped by another party for about two minutes, with one minute being devoted to me emptying my bladder.

THEN we came back to my apartment complex and played some beer pong (which I really do not remember).
-apparently I was talking hella shit to nobody but my own partner. TEAMWORK FTW. But it's okay because
-I DID NOT TROLL. One cup made, accomplishment I would say, especially considering my state of being...hahaha NTS, do not play this game when very drunk

And then I don't remember coming back to my apartment but...I MADE IT SAFE AND SOUND!

Good costumes I saw:
-JUNO & PAULIE BLEEKER!!! I took a picture of her belly. In retrospect that might be semi-awkward but do I care? No. Also this was funny because some guy thought she was ACTUALLY pregnant and mentioned that it might be harmful to her unborn baby to be downing that many shots, LOL.
-IDK, but there is a picture of some guy's nipple on my camera.......good.
-TAYLOR SWIFT! (: as mentioned before.
-there were a lot of babies. And just...naked people. Well, I mean, Mean Girls hit on an immortal truth: Halloween is the only time a girl can dress like a slut and not be judged for it. Apparently the rule applies to guys as well. But really, being naked is not a costume. I'm sorry.
-DeadMaus woooo
-"drunk all the time". He made a shirt with pictures of himself highly inebriated, that said "wanted by the FBI for being DRUNK ALL THE TIME" or something like that. Oh yeah this is the guy who I Taylor Swift-ed with and also the guy who punched in the side of the car and ended up in the drunk tank. So I guess his costume wasn't really a costume, more of a...real life identity type thing. HAHA.
-TOOL! He had a hat shaped like a wrench and then a shirt that said tool, I LOLed.
-some guy was an angel, I LOLed again.
-cute high school couple - football player and cheerleader. The football guy came in FULL GEAR. Those shoulder pads were NOT FUN to stand next to, especially when he turned abruptly and whacked my face
-then you got your regular crew of tramps and nerds, workout people and guys in corsets (which is REALLY not pretty, or even that funny, if you ask me)

But I'm not ragging on other peoples costumes, because okay, I don't even know what I was...basically people asked me what I was, and I just said "you tell me." So responses I got:
-Pocahontas (okay, this is initially what I wanted to be, but I totally thought I ditched that idea when I found this ridiculously shiny $8 dress at Buffalo Exchange. Apparently not, though? So I guess I win..)
-Cleopatra (that's the one I was planning on sticking with)
-Greek goddess
-shiny piece of shit. No, I kid. But yeah whatever.
-"pretty". HAHAHA......awkward, bye.

Also I was very unaware of how drunk texty I am.
-I REALLY MISS YOU HOME PEOPLE. Sorry to Neri for getting the full brunt of my drunken homesickness. Also my first text reads "I breally ahev to pee rght now." So thanks Neri...for reading about the state of my bladder....yeeeeah.
-Thanks to Tim who basically made my night with this piece of quality texting: "Ur a mnonkin fabker baller ! luqo" (WHAT IS LUQO? But "mnonkin fabker" is definitely entering my daily vocabulary)
-"RAPE RAPE RAPE" (?!?!?!)
-"Woowowww m drunk when id this haoppen." (Self, please stop texting. And the time stamp reads 1:45 AM, so I guess there is your answer.)
-at least that was a change from 12:01 AM, "I need to bhe more drunkk"
-then to Nate: "Hoep youre having a better night than me. Fuck," -- was I telling him to get some action?? (; HAHAHA just kidding friends
-1:46 is when I wanted to be back in the CPT I suppose. "Im drinkk take me home )))):::" That is really a scary smiley face, four mouths and three sets of eyes. Monsters really do come out on Halloween. But I guess this is still better than the hoards of emoticon-overusers :D :D :D :D :D :P :P :P :P :P ;) ;) who once texted me on a daily basis before I non-subtly snipped them out of my inbox and life.

So yeah, I woke up around 10 this morning still in full costume, just...on my bed. Must say it was kind of surprising but at the same time very relieving. Lol. Cleaned up, went to Del Taco & de-briefed the night...and now a full day of homework and school business to deal with. And yeah, apparently I KO'ed while listening to Super Mash Bros, so add that to the list of other random music I fall asleep to (NERD). HOLLA, MUSIC THREAD.

salmonfresh

2009-10-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

FASHION SHOW TOMORROW? WHAT???

HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM

SO EXCITEDDDD. CAPS LOCK LEVEL EXCITED.

you could call it fiction

2009-10-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Isn't it all just some twisted bedtime story anyway? Things get so convoluted.

Living, telling, re-telling...lingering, essentially. Why is it so hard to drop these moments as they come, leave them in our mind to age gracefully, instead of re-iterating and re-living. But that's the simple truth; it's hard to just live moment-to-moment. That's not how we're wired, I guess.

---

Last night I won a BP tournament with J! Haha, whether by sheer skill or piecing together of lucky occurrences, we left the apartment at 3 AM with a nice little keg as our trophy. It's now sitting in my room...and I don't really know what to do with it. Whatever.

I went to his place for some late night nibbling and then he knocked out in about 2 seconds flat, so I turned off the lights, snuck out the door, and headed home.

VDC was shrouded in fog last night. I walked with a purpose but enjoyed it all the same; there was a duality in that I wanted to get home and I also wanted to shake this feeling that had suddenly seized me. I admired the effect of the street lights lost blurred amidst the fog and fantasized about creepy figures emerging from the haze ahead of me. But I wasn't really scared...the solitude and quiet was peaceful and I felt very calm, and a lot more content than I've been in a while.

I need to take walks like these more...people here don't walk!

Today I woke up and decided a little me-day would be good. I'm surprisingly productive and happy thus far, got my laundry done, ran into friends twice and by a twist of fate perhaps, ended up having a nice little late lunch with them. Serendipity, how you please me. Now I just have to study for French, and if I'm productive enough I'm going to retire early and read my Elle magazine before dozing off.

Another week is starting and it's safe to say I have certain goals.

RJ, I'm copying you today. Songs of the moment:

Street Lights - Kanye West
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
So Beautiful - Dashboard Confessional
A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz
In My Life - The Beatles
You & I Both - Jason Mraz
Song for a Friend - Jason Mraz

words of wisdom

2009-10-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

Today started off semi-rough.

I had a French quiz this morning...and if you didn't see my status, you will now.
Chery Sutjahjo: LOL FML french quiz: he asked me who is the laziest in my family, i answered by telling him where i keep my spare umbrellas....HAHAHAHA FAIL

YEAHHH so, paresseux and parapluie definitely NOT the same thing. I was basically laughing my head off the whole time as he reviewed the quiz and went over the answers. Because my answer, instead of saying something along the lines of "I am the laziest in my family" or something like that, was more like "In the closet." .......HAHAHA.

Good thing I have a midterm on Tuesday. WIN! Actually I'm a LOT better at written as opposed to oral testing, so I'm not supremely worried about this. Still. Studying to be done.

Anyway...some random little tidbits have been needling at me much more too. I don't know why I'm being so touchy today, but there was some SERIOUS vibin going on.

VIBIN - Vicious Inner Bitchin. Occurs when I am not a good mood and start mentally hating on every living being on this planet for no apparent reason. This never translates to vocal bitchin, which is good. Just turns my head into some crazy place for the time being.

Yeah so I was hardcore vibin for a large portion of today, I don't really know why. Thankfully my buddy Meher knows whats up, and when I texted him telling him about my weird mood, he responded:

Fuck'em Friday, noun - a spontaneous occurrence of extreme vibin, usually occurring on, but not limited to, a Friday. Reason for occurrence: bitches ain't shit. Ex, "man, fuck'em Friday, I'm vibin on these hoes."

I loled in the middle of class.

Anyway the rest of the day was satisfactory, and this weekend should be ultimate rest time. Not much planned and I'm enjoying it the way that it is. DGAF weekend for sure! GOD I need to stop with these weird terms.

ALSO, I HAVE A NEW BABY:
HTTP://SALMONFRESH.BLOGSPOT.COM
more lifestyle, less whining. please add!

identity

2009-10-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I don't know my own identity, but others seem to.

Identity -- what a weird word. We were talking about it in my anthropology discussion today and as I doodled in the margins, I penned this word over and over. If you flip the second t it could become an f and magically change into "identify". How ironic, since our own personal identity is something that we need to identify for ourselves. Cool, right? Or is this merely a sign that I should stop doodling and start taking notes? (But I did read an article about how doodling can actually help you pay attention or absorb more.)

I digress. I sat down with excitement to write a post about identity, since it's been exactly a week since my last venture into the blogosphere. And lately an identity is something I've been searching for.

But maybe, after all, it is right here under my nose.

Crystal stayed over the weekend and we had a delightful time ignoring our studies and alternately chit-chatting about serious-ness and triviality. I have to say it was such a nice weekend to be solitary but with a companion -- does that make sense? Crystal seems to be so much more 3-D than many people I am surrounded with here in the OC, perhaps simply because there's much more history/trust/understanding/what have you there that is absent in the newer friends I've found.

Old friends are definitely gold, and I was reminded of that this weekend. Saturday night the CS' teamed up and skyped Nate, and I promised him I would blog about this, so here I am. Plus it kind of fits in to the theme of identity that I'm trying so hard to pitch right now...so here goes.

Nate has this theory about girls. Picture this: you enter a room, maybe a party or something, anywhere with a bunch of people. Nate's idea is that there are always six types of girls in this room, all of which play some role in your life/goal to get someone's number.

He calls it the "Six Female F's." Not in the dirty way...or maybe in the dirty way. I'm not gonna get into that. But let's dive into this idea. Here are the six girls, all labeled with F's, a product of Nate's hard thinking:
1. Forget
2. Friend
3. Flirt
4. Fantasy (or Fuck, if you're being R-rated)
5. Fight
6. Fat (in the sense that she is not your type...I must say this isn't a very karma-friendly label, but Nate also suggested "Flee" and that sounds equally cruel. Also all of these labels are Nate's, I am merely being the messenger, so don't shoot me.)

Keep in mind these are all relative to the rest of the room.

Anyway, he went into detail and we three had a rather long conversation about these different types of girls. Basically 1 is your warm-up, she's friendly and easy to talk to, but in essence is only a stepping stone. 2 is getting warmer, someone you'd keep as a friend, but also serves a purpose. Because she's probably standing next to 3, who is your target. 3 is a good fit and is probably someone you can succeed at getting without too much effort or pain on your part. 4 is a little bit of a reach (Ivy League) but is the hottest girl in the room. 5 is the one who looks like she's going to kill you, but is basically 3 with more gates/hoops to jump through before earning her good favor. And 6...well...6 is the girl you avoid.

So 1 and 2 are stepping stones, and 3, 4, and 5 are prizes in their own different and special way.

Then he proceeded to discuss with me how much of a 5 I am. My neutral face, it seems, is quite intimidating, and I was gently accused of being a bit unapproachable. I was a little surprised at this but after careful thought and discussion I suppose it is a bit true. I mean, I do own a magnet that says "I hate you" and I will not shy away from making sarcastic remarks only one minute after meeting you. Also I have this tendency of making fun of people...but I'm also pretty self-deprecating so it cancels out right? Please? Gods of Karma? But I do have barriers, I will admit. I just never really considered myself in that light, I never thought about how I appear to other people and if I actually am an intimidating person.

After ending our skype conference, Crystal and I headed out to my friend's birthday party. Still a little vexed at being told that I was intimidating and unapproachable, I set out to prove this label wrong. I dressed to the fours (LOL) and set out to this party, turning on my social butterfly switch along the way.

I must say, the loot I gathered from this night must prove Natekins wrong:
1. a discounted pasta dinner, with extra shrimp, from a guy who works at the cafeteria.
2. a compliment on my skirt from a semi-creepy guy...this was not encouraging.
3. an offer for a sushi dinner w/sake from a guy who works at a sushi place in Huntington Beach.
4. an offer for a boyfriend -- yes, his friend was advertising all of his positive qualities for him (he was absent from the party) and even telling me that he had discussed with his gf about how we would be a "good couple" or something to that extent...yes.
5. a study session/offer to blaze (at separate times, of course).

SO HAH, NATE, I AM TOTALLY APPROACHABLE! If I wasn't approachable, would I have reaped these fine rewards? I don't really intend to follow through on many of these offers but...whatever. That was a fun night to experiment. And now you all have a story to read, so who's complaining?

Oh, me and the other CS also had some fun talking to Boy #3, who called me a racist/sexist/meanie and said that he would "smack me" on several occasions. I called him out on his Chris Brown tendencies and then the CS duo proceeded to blast his "argument" to smithereens and let him walk away with his tail between his legs. His parting words? "You guys are smart." Nurrrrr. It was pretty fun, banter is always entertaining.

Then I won at some games of beer pong and bounced, with my ego inflated a little bit. It was a good night. Hahaha.

So anyway, I decided that I can be intimidating, I guess...but usually I'll get rid of this demeanor once I start to get to know you (?). I don't even really know how to write about this because it feels so weird to pretend to know how I appear to people. You tell me.

The next day Crystal and I discussed a different identity. This time we talked about what my "thing" was, ie the subject of my last (rather crazy/ranty) blog post. She was intent on telling me that writing is my thing...but for me, it's still kind of hard to believe.

I don't really know why I can't fully accept it as my thing. If you think about it, I've been writing ever since I was little. I wrote for those Reflections essay contest things in elementary school, and I wrote stories and newspapers for my dad when I was bored at home during the summer. I had about a thousand xangas throughout middle school, and journals at every age. Then I got into the blog world and I will tell you now that I have 3 blogs that I either post on regularly or intend to post on regularly...along with my regular hand-written journals, of which I have two at the moment.

So why is it so hard for me to say that writing is my thing? I guess it's partly the relationship I had with it as I grew up. My dad seemed to get the point across to me that writing is a side dish, meant to compliment a breadwinner-type job. Writing was always my habit, and I did and do enjoy writing immensely. But I can't get over the hump of seeing it as a hobby and merely that; maybe it's just a certain fear that as soon as I make it my thing, it'll turn into an obligation and something that I NEED to be good at. Not just something I'll always enjoy and do for fun without caring about how shitty my grammar/metaphors are.

Maybe it is that aspect of fear then, that I'm facing a certain failure (starving journalist, anyone?) as well as a risk of losing the love that I have for writing as soon as I transform it into a job rather than an easily accessible hobby. Sure it's good to get paid to do what you love, but what if it turns into something I just get paid for doing, not something I love anymore?

I voiced these thoughts to Crystal and then felt like such a hypocrite. Last year when we went snowboarding I told Crystal to embrace the fear as you ride down the mountain. Without letting go of your fear, it'll restrain you and keep you from realizing your full potential. And fear is part of the process because it's something to overcome.

So I guess this is...a call to arms of some sort. A declaration, a preparation to face my fear and trust in myself and my ability, to anchor myself with something. To turn and face a direction and to find a goal shimmering on the horizon somewhere. And hopefully I'll inch towards it...quickly I hope, though, cause I'm impatient like that. Ha.

But also I've always labelled writers as "weird" people. I know it's wrong to label...but there are weird people who are weird in an interesting and quirky way, and then there are weird people who are weird for the sake of being weird and kind of shove their weirdness in your face, instead of letting you discover it on your own. I don't want to be classified as one of these weird-weird people and then push people away from me because they're scared I'll blog about them or something. I don't know, I just don't want to be one of those weird people who flaunt it, I'd rather be undercover weird. Or maybe it's too late for that.

I've been listening to "Empire State of Mind" on repeat and it stirs up some ambitious side of me. I mean...I'm believing everything Alicia Keys is telling me. Like seriously. If I go there and all my dreams do not come true I am going to be really offended that she lied to me like that.

"In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York..."

NYC 2012 -- I'm gonna make it happen. Also France next summer...anyone wanna donate 10k to my fund? MUCH appreciated.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating as always. I took my first midterm today (with much struggle as I desperately held in my pee for 50 minutes as my bladder cried for release) and I have one for l'anthropologie at 2 tomorrow. I...have not started studying. At all. And this is the class I always fall asleep in ($75 naps, if you wil) and doodle in. Funnily enough I think the subject matter is really quite interesting and after making a comment in class that was well-received by my TA, I started thinking about minoring in the subject. WELL, wake-up call, it's gonna take a lot more than some good thoughts to make that happen. Time for some effort.

Another thing I've been thinking about is platonic crushes. It's kind of hard to get to know someone with solely that intention in mind. Just to get to know them, without it being weird, or without someone wondering if it's a date or what not. I just have this thing where I'm really interested in people in general, and I don't want it to be mistaken for romantic interest or something bogus like that. I JUST WANNA FIND OUT HOW INTERESTING YOU ARE! REALLY. At this moment there are a couple of people I am intrigued with and I'm trying to figure out how to get to know them better without a. being creepy/weird or b. people starting rumors about how I want them in my pants.

On a closing note: today I got a fortune cookie that said "The star of happiness is shining on you."

I was pretty thrilled.

no thing, nothing

2009-10-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

So guys. Monday is apparently wake-up call day, Chery doesn't have a thing day.

That's right. A thing. Especially now, it's noticeable. People have THINGS...C has her dance/photo/fashion thing, A has the architecture and the dance thing, N has his political thing, T has his biology business, M has the music thing...need I continue? Oh it's not only home people who have things (I hope you don't feel like I'm pointing fingers), UCI people have more things. Seriously everyone and their mother AND their dog is pledging for a sorority/fraternity (not that I'm jealous) but that counts as a thing!!! M has her SPOP/being friends with everybody thing, J has like a thousand different things, all of which are resume boosting AND enjoyable for her, S has freakin TRIATHLON CLUB...where does this leave me?? THING LESS!!! I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE GYMMMMM.

At least I have TRIED things...right? Sorority thing? Tried it for a week, wasn't for me. Lots of frustration and confusion on my part there but a good and worthwhile experience when it all comes down to it. And it's taught me to grow up as a person too.

So what makes me notice, even more tonight than ever before, that I don't have a thing?? Well, I ran into a summer friend on the bus today, and he managed to convince me to go to a dance workshop. So I went. I was pretty psyched, I was like, YES, I did one boogiezone class over the summer, a couple hiphop classes last year, flight school in Meher's garage, TOTALLY legit. It was like, time to get back on the dance crack!! YES. I thought I could easily make dance my thing. I mean, everyone here dances. Not that hard, right?

Fast forward about one hour, Chery = chopped and screwed. Not in the good way. Yeah okay so maybe I shouldn't have gone back to the dance crack by diving head first into a workshop for PROS. It's like after you have a hangover you go out again and then start the night by taking 10 shots in a row, BAM, no bueno. Okay that didn't really make sense BUT I think you get my jist.

Yeah so it was a pretty demeaning hour. I felt about one inch tall. And lemme tell ya, there were like PEOPLE I KNOW there, and I talked to them, so they KNOW I went. This was none of the James Bond under-the-radar secretly training to be Ciara type shit, this was like OH HEY YOU'RE HERE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DANCED, COOL. Yeah I don't dance guys. And they didn't believe me either, so when I failed it was like, "wow she wasn't being modest, she does suck." And since they all know I was there, cause I talked to them (mistake) they also all know that I left about 2 hours early...

But HONESTLY swear to GOD, I thought the girl said "bathroom run!" In actuality she said "back to front" which is why everyone started shuffling around and rearranging. You can see how that would be confusing right? But yeah I saw it as an opportunity to roll out, cause come on, that was not really where I was meant to be at that moment in time. Plus my friend was like hardcore hating her life right then and I felt supersuper bad for dragging her with me on my druggie quest for dance crack...so yeah we peaced out. Not a shining moment for me because leaving involved walking past the front of the basketball courts...where everyone was facing, trying to learn this super legit piece...yeaaaah.

High five self, at least I tried, RIGHT?

So, dance. NOT MY THING.

I went home and cooked myself six potstickers, extra browned and crispy and delicious, to make myself feel better. All the while I vented to my roomie about how I don't have a thing. So then I segmented off my life into past things and future things and present things.

THINGS I ONCE HAD
-the ice skating thing. Can't really go back to it now, it's just a side thing. Not even really a thing. Even when I actually had it I didn't appreciate it at it's full value, and then I quit, so anyway it's NOT my thing.
-piano thing, again, QUIT. Such a quitter, fml.
-I guess I had the yearbook thing in high school. Again, does not translate into college life.
-Girl Scout. Um...didn't officially quit, just kind of gradually drained it out of my life. Not a thing.

Which leaves me with no things.

THINGS I TRIED TO HAVE
-New U: well, basically, I failed at writing an article for the first week because I'm too busy...killing flies or something. This week there are more pieces that I can write and I am going to strap myself to my chair with the new belt I bought until something worth reading comes out of my fingertips or I sit there long enough until I starve and lose a thousand pounds and slip out from under the belt, whichever comes first.
-Dance: HAAA, see above. I still want this to be a thing in my life but I need baby steps guys! And everyone here is freaking good already so my baby steps are like...lost among their running man steps. HA, reference to a dance "picture" that I semi-learned today, omg, I am being such a poser trying to sound like a pro right now. Moving right along.
-Sorority thing: Can I get a nice, rousing "NAY"? Nay.

Still have nothing.

So what do I do with my life then? REALLY, REALLY? 24 hours a day, and usually I am awake for about at least 14 of them, so what the eff am I doing all day?

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE RECENT PAST:
-overcame my disgust for flies and killed around 4 of them yesterday in a panic-induced killing frenzy spurred by my roommate and friend. Then proceeded to vacuum up the guts and corpses, and then rewarded myself with a pizookie.
-I bought really cute shoes today. I'm wearing them right now, and they are possibly the only things making me happy at this moment in time.
-I had a really delicious breakfast burrito, and now my grocery list includes breakfast burrito ingredients. I also have a new list of movies to see, including one called "Nobody" which is pretty much how I feel right now. Go watch the trailer and then take me to the movie, THANKS.
-I think I got a 3/3 on my quiz today for Earth System Science.....YAAAAAY.

And not much else... I guess...

Okay it has also been brought to my attention that I keep telling people that I'm a journalism major, but I haven't even declared yet, so BASICALLY I've been lying to everyone I've met since Week 0...SORRY GUYS.

Jacki and I tried to figure out what my thing is as she cooked me dessert. When I say dessert, I mean deep fried nutella wrapped in wonton skins and then sprinkled with powdered sugar.
Jacki: I'm not sure if they'll be good...let's just try it and then pretend this never happened if they suck.
Chery: Jacki. They have chocolate, sugar, and are deep fried. They HAVE to be good. Rule of nature.
And then after that we kind of died and stopped talking cause we were busy stuffing our faces.

Anyway, trying to figure out my thing...
Jacki: You like reading!! That's a thing!!
Chery: JACKI. ANYONE CAN READ. THAT'S NOT MY THING.

But yeah, things that I AM good at include...
-reading. WOOOO
-eating, especially fried things or sweet things, or salty things. Or all of the above.
-spending unnecessary money on unnecessary items, like good clothes or good food.
-venting
-making fun of people, probably. Verbally or mentally...sneakily or otherwise.
-procrastinating (like what I'm doing now)
-making lists.
-...texting

and surprise, surprise, these are ALL THINGS that basically ANY human being on this whole Earth can do. So basically I'm a non-unique waste of oxygen. Haaa...

I think my problem is I just can't commit to things. Maybe I should just pick a thing, and stop flirting with too many things, and then openly ask the thing to be in a relationship with me, and then change my status on facebook, and then spend all my time with this thing such that people will say, "Oh, Chery? Yeah, she's that girl! She has that _____ thing."

I mean, as of right now, I don't even know how people classify me. Not that I want to be classified, but I especially don't want to be known as thing-less girl, or be defined by who I hang out with. "Oh, Chery? Yeah she's always with that SPOP/dance/Frat/Sorority girl/boy."

But no. I fail at committing to things in general. I will have lunch with you later this week but I will probably forget who you are by the end of the month. So how am I supposed to pick a thing and love that thing for ever and ever??? I freaking get tired of my outfit by the end of the day, dammit.

I don't even want any sympathy right now, don't tell me I'm not a failure. JUST TELL ME I'M A FAILURE, maybe then I'll get a move on and DO something about it for once, instead of vent to my three online readers. And DON'T EVEN say the "writing thing" because one, I have been lying to people about that being my major, two, the only writing I do right now is blogging which hardly counts and making lists of things to do which counts even less, and then copying lecture notes which counts the least because I'm hardly even thinking as I sit there vacuously copying slide after slide, and three I haven't even written an article for the New U yet, and let me be frank, it's not like it's a huge struggle to do. I just...haven't. If writing was my thing I'd have churned out like a thousand articles by now and been crowned unofficial staff writer of the month.

SIGH. It's fine. This is an optimistic kind of depression... and thus begins the search for my thing. At least I don't have swine flu, having swine flu as your thing is worse than having no thing at all. Praise the skies.

your mind is rather reckless

2009-10-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

Jason Mraz concert last night! (:

It started off on a disappointing note. They played a video basically advertising the Gratitude Cafe and, I felt that he was forcing his beliefs on us, the audience... it felt kind of preachy. Mraz has turned into a hypnotic hippie, au-natural musician, zen-god of some sort. His music has definitely changed but it's a change that I embrace and enjoy. However when he tries to spread his influence through informational documentary-esque videos rather than through his music...well, needless to say, I object.

Anyway, the amazing part of the concert came soon enough. He played some old favorites, we sing/dance/steal things songs, as well as some new songs that I haven't heard before (What Would Love Do Now). By far my favorite songs were A Beautiful Mess and You & I Both...because, well, they're my favorite songs. His voice is so amazing live. Three times for Mraz, more coming for sure.

Other favorite moments:
-speaking French (:
-he sang part of Lucky in Spanish...swoon.

"Anything you want can be yours at any time."

He got his message across without any help from that useless video. I don't know... there's something of a freedom in what he sings about and what he conveys.

---

On another note... I don't know what to make of the dreams I keep having. Have you ever had a recurring dream? Or in this case, a recurring dream figure? I can't understand this discrepancy between waking and dreaming, and the sharp switch from sleep to wake rattles me every morning, and I think it's the cause for me waking up glum and ill at ease.

Maybe I'm taking these dreams too seriously, but I've always been a strong believer that dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something that your conscious decides to ignore. I've always looked up symbols and remembered my dreams and pondered over them, wondering what my waking self is missing that my dreaming self knows so well. I always take vivid dreams as wake-up calls...which is kind of ironic, I guess. Should I stop taking my dreams so seriously? Are they merely fantastical, convoluted imagery connected by a confused and over-worked waking mind? Or are they really...actually, substantial?

---

Today, in concert hangover tradition, has been spent lazily and Mrazily. It's almost 1, I want to go back in bed, read a magazine, listen to my LOVAH, forget the world exists. Today I want my room and nothing else...maybe a cookie. Some nice company would be nice later on too.

J and I talked last night about college friends and home friends. It was nice to hear that someone is feeling how I am feeling, and thinking the thoughts that I am thinking. At school, everyone is in it for themselves. I think I need to work on remembering this more.

Duties await. Til next time...which will probably be very very soon. Is October my blog-frenzy month or something???

<3

cruise control

2009-10-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

Here we are! The end of the week has finally been reached. For the most part I spent it in autopilot -- which I'm sure you guys understand, if not from your own lives, but from my recent blog posts. Yeah, I've been complaining. Or not complaining specifically but wondering and over-thinking too much, as usual, I guess.

Every day felt like the same thing again and again. Maybe it's because I have to wake up at the same time every day, that when I turn and see the clock hands pointing at 8:30 AM every morning, it just feels like some weird deja vu, as if I'm heading into a day that I've already lived through once before.

So it was school, that was routine enough. Work, very routine. Even social functions & friendships are getting strained as everyone starts to divert their attention to their own lives and own interests. It's not necessarily that I'm feeling left behind...maybe just that everyone is so certain of what they want, and I'm a little more susceptible to just floating for a while.

Anyway, I cruise controlled myself through the week and ended up here, this paradise of a Friday afternoon. I'm planning on cleaning/reorganizing my room because...busy weeks = messy rooms, complete with clothes cast aside as they were deemed unworthy outfit choices. I need to plan my weekend and get started on writing a piece for the new U which is due this Sunday. I need to catch up on notes/readings from the week...

This is starting to turn into a to-do list, and I already have too many of those.

Things I am looking forward to:
-football game tonight between 2 frats. (: I'm pretty good friends with one of the frats and they invited me to come out and support. I'm excited -- I miss watching football, as little as I understand it. I miss HIGH SCHOOL and HOMECOMING, sigh sigh sigh.
-JASON MRAZ concert on Saturday! To be honest at this moment I'm not supremely thrilled or anything...but I suppose that's just because I'm in mellowed-out finally-Friday stage. A good nights sleep and a little bit of fun will definitely change that for me.

But yeah lately I've been feeling like a granny. Not wanting to do much, just wanting to get to bed early or have a little ME time. I should seriously start learning how to knit and/or play bridge.

is this it?

2009-10-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

Is this what the future holds? I feel like I'm merely keeping myself occupied, filling the space between the times when my head leaves and hits the pillow. When does it start meaning something? When does it start becoming more than a title and become a part of who you are?

In other news I got a position as an intern for the Vendor Fairs at ASUCI.

In other other news...I went about today feeling very antisocial. A lot of times I noticed that I wasn't smiling. I don't really know why, maybe it was just one of THOSE days.

end of the day blues

2009-10-07T00:08:00.000-07:00

Work is really starting to pile up, I'm feeling like I'm falling behind. I'm starting to get a little worried about my schedule too. Juggling school, work, social life, SLEEP, and a smattering of other things I'm trying to get involved in. Still waiting on a call from ASUCI (still crossing my fingers), haven't yet gotten around to writing a piece for the New U, and have just recently started trying to figure out how H.O.T tutoring is going to fit in to my schedule.

I will admit I'm getting a little stressed about how hectic things may be getting...but perhaps it's solely because things are still settling. Once my schedule gets a bit more stable maybe I'll feel more secure.

It just seems like time passes so quickly these days and I can't ever really get around to everything I want to do. Suddenly it's 12 midnight and I'm reminding myself to head to bed, gotta be up at 8:30 to get ready for yet another day.

On the bright side I'm never bored...there are always things to look forward to and I'm always pre-planning and making lists of things to accomplish. Goals goals goals...but sometimes perhaps too many? I just feel that my plate last year was so empty, that now, maybe my eyes are bigger than my stomach. We'll see...I'm gonna jump into this full speed and see if I crash and burn.

Still feels like somethings a little lacking. I'd love to sit and think and talk fluidly for a long time, without worrying about time or another topic to discuss.

celebrity

2009-10-06T01:27:00.000-07:00

In-N-Out was the place to be on Monday night, especially if you're usually a person who sits in front of their computer on Monday nights.

All under one roof: AJ Rafael, Christine "Happy Slip", Kev Jumba, Uncle Same, Scott Yoshimoto, Cathy Nguyen, Paul Dateh, Phil Wang and Wesley Chan. The youtube generation -- made it big on the interweb and gained fans by posting videos. Fans who now flock to events to see their Internet crushes in the flesh.

I went to a concert to raise awareness for Hepatitis B among Asian Americans. Performers included AJ Rafael, Kev Jumba, Happy Slip, Paul Dateh, and Kaba Modern. A pretty great show when it all comes down to it.

The thing that got to me most was how they came by their stardom. They all pretty much had the same humble roots and chanced upon this new youtube culture that is steadily gaining momentum and bursting forward into a new medium of pop culture. These artists are known mostly through their online persona -- youtube, twitter, facebook, what have you. What a strange world when fame starts on such a personal scale. It's a weird kind of celebrity, I guess...because it takes one to know one. One youtube junkie to recognize another. One talented artist to spend the time in front of the computer posting videos, and a distant fan spending the time to watch and listen, comment and subscribe.

Then the relationship that sprouts from that is weird as well. They're not used to fame, I don't think they expected it. It's still the beginning stages of "stardom" I guess you could say, blinking in the light of the flashbulbs and unable to turn down an offer. Still eager for fans and recognition, appreciative of support and encouraging more turnout. I guess it's a stage where they still HAVE to be nice. They're not famous enough or successful enough to turn down fans. Their reputation as an artist isn't developed enough for them to be selfish. So I must assume that it is incredibly taxing -- to keep smiling for photographs, keep talking and promoting, keep signing scooters...when all you really want is a damn burger and some peace and quiet.

I could never be famous. I used to dream of the glitz and glamour and people yelling my name and wanting my autograph. But now I know I'd never be able to deal with that kind of attention, I'd never be able to consistently be the STAR that everyone wants to see. I have my breakdowns and moments when I don't want to be anyone at all. And I guess I'd have to admit that I'm selfish enough to submit to these momentary emotional instabilities.

So as I discussed with Joyce as we nibbled our late night egg rolls, it's much better to be successful and well-known than famous and well-recognized. People who work behind the scenes still get the importance and influence as famous people do, but they don't get the swarms of eager fans, because fans don't really know what they look like. They get to eat their burgers in peace.

When I was younger I wished I had an instantly displayable talent. Things I did -- ice skating, piano, writing -- required some special arena or instrument. I couldn't just whip out a talent in the middle of the blacktop at recess like some singer could. I couldn't sprint around the track at warp speed, I couldn't do a backflip in the middle of the auditorium. I needed a rink or a piano or some kind of essay or piece to showcase my "talent".

Now I guess it's not such a bad thing. As a writer I could have influence, and perhaps even change the way people think and perceive the world. But I don't necessarily have to be physically recognized. I could write from the safety of my bedroom, growing nostril hairs to the tip of my chin with my head of hair uncombed and greasy and the world would probably never know. I could be the spitting image of the mean witch in Snow White, but nobody would really care as long as I wrote well enough. My picture could just be some outdated, photoshopped, airbrushed picture to be stamped at the head of a column every single week.

So I have a great deal of admiration for these people. They know what the public wants to see and they are able to cater to that, 24/7. It's not just when they're on stage. So major props to them.

I guess because of this, and because I wonder if they are happy with this chanced-upon fame, I get shy when I talk to them. I admire them so much, have so much to ask them about how they got to where they are, but usually I just clam up, ask for a picture, and then sidle away. I don't want to be a bother, and I'm unsure whether or not they're being honest when they say they don't mind. Who am I to keep them talking to me?

But I guess this is a skill I need to work on. I watched as some of my friends joked around with Paul Dateh -- as if he were a real person!! Unthinkable!! They even invited him to In N Out for a milkshake and I tagged along, at a loss of words and at the same time not wanting to seem like some dumb groupie. But yeah I'm definitely missing that aggressive/personable factor that turns people from celebrities to neighbors. Something I need to work on. I think it's a confidence thing.

---

Something else I struck upon tonight as I discussed Greek life with Omar. It's important to think about your place in the world from a 360 degree view. Who are you looking up to, who is looking up to you? Who is next to you, going through the same things that you are going through?

During my one week as a Greek (I can't get over this cheesy rhyme) I looked at the girls in the sororities and saw girls I could look up to, girls who could be like big sisters, to be asked advice and to be admired. I saw girls who I could be friends with, to discuss current problems and solve them side by side. And I even saw girls who I felt like I could be a leader for. When you find all three I guess it's a good match because you can grow in all directions.

Applying this theory to everyday life and the friends that I have now, I realize it's quite the same. People I talk to every day are people I look up to and want to emulate. There are people who are right beside me going through the same things that I am dealing with. And there are people beside me who I feel that I can offer guidance to. I think a balance between these three is what makes life interesting, because then it's not always the same thing being expected of you.

j'adore!

2009-10-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

The vendor fair came to UCI today. One of my favorite weeks of the school year, hahah. Okay it's not really THAT amazing, but I just like seeing people out on Ring Road all the time.

Anyway, I caught an early bus to school and then spent $20 before class buying tops. After class I spent another $20 at the American Apparel booth...and because my bag was starting to get overstuffed because of my many purchases, I took a bus home to drop off my stuff.

I effectively wasted my intended one hour study period by buying t-shirts and then taking the t-shirts home. Next class was Earth System Science, where I fell asleep for five minutes after ignoring a rather random serenade while I found my seat. Yeah...anyway. The quiz in ESS was alright, I definitely need to purchase a textbook I guess. Bummer. MORE MONEY...

Afterwards I paid a visit to the vendor fair again, and then decided to appease my grumbling stomach with some DELICIOUS pizza. I'm very particular about crusts and this one hit the spot. Joyce and I also attended a Hepatitis B info session/art show in order to get free tickets for tonights concert.

A concert? TONIGHT? YES. I ran into some people advertising the "B free" awareness program and they told me that David Choi was performing tonight, among others. DAVID CHOI!!! YAY! I'm super thrrrrilled.

If all days were like today, life would be so nice and perfectly happy. Simple unfolding of little things, one after another. Happy happy happy.

I went with Mo over to UTC afterwards to get some sweets. Yogurt covered pretzels = my new best friend. Although the Koreans that own Sweet Tooth overprice these treats crazily, I am still a pretty consistent customer. SIGH, why do I spend money like I grow it in my backyard?!?! I DON'T!!! I don't even have a backyard!!!

UTC was interesting for two reasons:
1. Spotted J#1...and J#2. More on that later.
2. Received my second awkward phone call of the day. I feel like this is phone karma of some sort. Or rush karma. SOMETHING. Anyway this morning, I called my pledge mom to tell her that I was de-pledging from Gamma Phi Beta. It was kind of awkward with a lot of long empty pauses on her end, as well as some trailing off sentences and uncertainty and flustered lying on my part. But in the end the deed was done.
So then yeah, after de-pledging this, I get a call from alpha Kappa Delta Phi not six hours later informing me that they would LOVE to see me at their info night! Tonight! At 7pm! They really want to see me there!!!

Yeahh. I'm kind of done with the sorority thing. Why would they even want me? I'd probably just end up being the bitch that everyone hates but pretends to love, because we are "sisters" and happen to own the same clothing and know the same people.

MOVING ON. But yeah. OH. I made a creeper-y decision and convinced Mo that we NEEDED to go back on campus...for several reasons...one being that J#2 was headed that way. I'm not a stalker, I swear. But OKAY FINE it was pretty creepy on my part, I will admit. But the ultimate result was not a run-in with him, it was a run-in with other people that was actually much more enjoyable. Mini-errand running and mini-conversations were had, free shit was acquired, bathroom narration was listened to, and then I headed home fully satisfied and feeling very non-creepy.

Spy talk is so much fun. Target acquired! Abort mission, target is leaving the premises! LOL...

The stress of thinking about sorority stuff is now finally lifted and I feel like I can see so much clearer. I closed that door but opened several more today. I turned in an application for Yearbook at UCI, found out that I might be getting a position in ASUCI (not counting my chickens before they hatch!! CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME), and basically filled out my social schedule a little bit more. THANK GOODNESS for random run-ins with people I like.

So yeah, I'm in quite a chipper mood. The concert is at 6:30 so I'm planning to take the next two hours to be productive, catch up on work, etc. etc. My schedule feels so nice and empty without much to be pulling me back, only opportunities that I can choose to go to or choose to forget.

And today in French I learned how to say j'adore! How appropriate for a day that ended up being...adored? HA...I def need to practice my French.

EDIT
Okay, I was shamelessly lied to. I checked my twitter and David Choi is sick...and in Korea...WTF MATE. I guess I will still go, KevJumba and AJ Rafael are supposed to be there. Plus Kaba, always good to see. SIGH DAVID CHOI, WHY.

don't listen, don't read

2009-10-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

I signed up to write for the New University (UCI's weekly newspaper) about a week ago, went to the meeting last Wednesday, and secured a position writing for Features. Well, kind of.

What they do is e-mail a list of topics they'd like to see pieces about. Today I got the first e-mail with a pretty extensive list of topics, I could see myself worming my way into writing a couple of those pieces. How well they turn out, I don't know and I can't really imagine.

Honestly though, I don't think I'm a journalistic writer. I'm more of a blogger. I will tell you about what goes through my head throughout the day, why I wore the shoes I wore, what I think about certain things. I will describe to you how I felt about something, what I'm wondering about something else. But I'm not a journalistic writer. I can't TELL you anything about the world...I only know me. Nothing really important. I'll write about details, maybe shoot for the big picture but miss entirely.

So who is going to read what I have to say? Nobody cares, I'm one in a million minds. I'm not established enough or opinionated enough or interesting enough for people to CARE about things that I care about. I'm not engaging enough to make you read this, so I turn out to be my only audience.

Can I change this? I guess I'll accept this challenge to myself. One thing I fear is accidentally assuming a presumptuous, know-it-all voice that is not really me. Don't try too hard, be yourself. So much easier said than done.

Here's to Mondays -- new beginnings, and forgetting about the past.

NOBODY READS ANYMORE, ANYWAY!!! So why bother WRITE?

My Anthro 2A professor asked the lecture hall, "How many of you are currently reading a novel for pleasure?"
I raised my hand.
Looked around.
There were probably five hands in the air.
"You guys are missing out on a world of knowledge."

Agreed...but we'd all rather socialize online, increase the number of our facebook friends and pretend to ourselves that we are popular and meaningful. Shallow social life, truly, and I'm guilty as charged. It's a necessary evil, like that extra kick in your coffee.

overwhelmed and undersatisfied

2009-10-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

Like I mentioned before, so much has been going on...but I find that the moments I enjoy the most are probably spent here, in front of my computer. Solitary confinement perhaps, but it's more calming for me.

Yes, I'm sitting in THE glum t-shirt, wearing my comfiest undies, contemplating my life.

Lately I've been so indecisive, a trait that I usually hate to find in both myself and others. But I really can't shake this right now, for some reason.

N gave me some good advice..
Bcz I am MEAN: don't undervalue the goodness of shallow social life
Bcz I am MEAN: just make sure you don't lose the ability to have it

I know for a fact I can have it. I'm desiring it less and less though, as the opportunity comes around more and more. And more and more, it's starting to feel like a task instead of something I enjoy. To go out, make an appearance, make people laugh, project this image that I could so readily pick up at the door and discard as I left.

---

Today was a DGAF day. Need to have more of these.

I woke up around noon after having a confusing dream. Went to M's house to have an omelette and then started the day right -- at the mall. I proceeded to buy whatever I wanted without second guessing myself as often as I do. The result? Two pairs of new shoes, a couple of tops, and a skirt. An emptier wallet. A fuller stomach. But it was satisfying.

Afterwards we drove to Newport Beach. By this time it was around 7pm and getting pretty chilly, but it didn't matter much to me because the cold felt good. It felt real.

We sat on the sand as the world grew steadily darker around us. Releasing all the tension in my body and not caring whether or not sand got into my shorts, I lay back and saw one star in the light blue twilight. To my right, the faint post-sunset rainbow was fading, and to my left, the moon was rising. It was huge and calm, high above the dark beachfront houses. I lay in the cold sand thinking of absolutely nothing, watching the star sway above me, the clouds sliding past, and listening to the comforting roar of the ocean.

Something about the beach is so calming. It felt as though nothing could touch me. Nothing seemed to matter.

But then I came back and faced this confusion once more. I don't feel like myself, I feel like I've lost touch with what I really want.

---

On a brighter note, I'm very excited to wear my new clothes...ha. And next week is Jason Mraz in Hollywoodddd! (:

where did she go?

2009-10-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

From the outside looking in, everything is fine and dandy.
But something beneath the surface keeps on taking me away from that "happy place", and I can't even really put my finger on it. It seems like everything is pulling me in a thousand different directions, including my emotions. It's an up and down ride and although I've gotten used to just waiting until things level out again, it always sucks when you're at a lull for no apparent reason.

School is going fine. Classes are alright so far, I definitely have to devote a lot more time to really learning the material but that's actually something I'm looking forward to this weekend. Locking myself up, being alone, and getting work done. I don't want to even hear about the outside world. I just don't want to be around people right now.

Ideally, right now, I'd be at Memorial Park, sitting in the grass, sipping Jamba Juice with some favorites and just...not talking. Awake-napping and simply being, as honestly and purely as we could ever be.

But the reality is that I am here still, and this escape is not something that can be granted to me. So this is my escape instead, I think. I will admit I've been slumming it around the apartment in oversize t-shirts the past few days, confused about my own confusion and wondering at my disappointments and shortcomings. Ramen has been surprisingly comforting.

Seriously though I can't really put my finger on what it is that is disappointing me so much. Perhaps that is just adding to the frustration as well. Because really, if I had to describe my mood as of late, I guess I would just say frustrated. Do me a favor and send me bowls/glasses/plates that you don't want, so I can smash them in the parking lot. And I know studies show that this doesn't actually relieve any stress or anything, I just want to hear the crash. I can imagine it, it feels so satisfying.

Maybe I just haven't gotten a hundred percent settled.

It could be that, or it could be several other push-pull factors that leave me feeling stretched and stranded in between the two poles.

Do I want this meaningless, shallow, social life? It's important for me to be well-liked and well-known but is this really the way to go about it?
Shouldn't I determine for myself who I hang out with and who I want to get to know?
But even so I don't feel as though I can do that. I can't determine it for myself. There are so many people that are outside of my grasp, and some of them penetrate my bubble and seek something from me, but I don't know what. I just feel so distant, and those who are trying to inch closer to me are quite unwelcome at this point.

I guess I'm feeling superbly elitist. I don't want to be around people at all right now. I want the world to freeze, to give me 24 hours of unlost time, to read and sleep and think and write, to regain some damn sense of self. After that I'll be the person that everyone expects me to be.

I feel like such a moody teen, but I guess that is, in reality, what I am. "NOBODY UNDERSTAAAAAAANDS ME!!!!!" Cry me a river.

At the same time that all of this is happening, I hate myself for being so stupid. Because I know this is a phase and I KNOW that everything is actually fine. But I hate myself for submitting to this unknown frustration. I just need to take a breath.

back

2009-10-02T00:33:00.001-07:00

to the wanting to smash things phase. SERIOUSLY, what is going ON!?!?!

things on my plate

2009-09-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

A lot has been happening lately. I spent the majority of yesterday being super frustrated and imagining shattering glass and ceramic cups and bowls. I looked at mirrors and wanted to punch them. But by the end of the day I was in a chipper mood, thanks to a handful of people including N. I guess I just had a weird night, but what came of it is ultimately better than I ever could have guessed.

I know I'm being vague...um, I got my t-shirt back LOL.

Sorority recruitment is over and bid day is tomorrow. Honestly the whole rush process was so tedious and exhausting. It was all a good experience though, and I'm glad I went through the whole thing, even though my (better?) judgment was suggesting I do otherwise. I ended up finding a house that I actually liked, but this raises more problems for me to think about.

For instance, the money thing. I don't want to ever feel like I'm paying to have friends or paying to have fun or something else like that, because I have plenty of fun without the harsh emptying of my wallet. I don't want to be stereotyped as a "sorority girl", I don't want to have to walk around campus representing something that I don't know if I fully support.

Don't get me wrong, there are certainly aspects that are tempting for me. But as of right now, I'm really on the fence. I guess I'll let bid day unfold and see what happens from there. I can't really tell if I'll be pleased or upset if I don't get a bid; honestly, it could go either way. I'm not sure. I guess we'll see.

Besides that I'm keeping busy enough with work and school. Plus the clubs I signed up for are starting to have all their meetings and such, so I'm gonna check them out and see which ones fit best.

I had a strange urge to write today but there's nothing of substance that really came out, I don't think. I guess this is more of a "hello, I am still here" type of post.

Oh one more thing, C GOT TEXTING, freaking finally. Hahaha, okay I'm out!

welcome back & being yourself

2009-09-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

Time for a recap of the wild normality of my life in the past week, as well as whats coming up.

I love welcome week at UCI. Seeing everyone out and about and having the campus be an actual bustling hub is such a nice change from the usual shuttling about to class. And sure the interactions consist of lots of "please come rush for us" but it's a lot more interesting than the rest of the school year.

Anteater Involvement Fair was on Monday, so I signed up for Fashion Interest Group, Yearbook, and some Anteater Review magazine. I'm hoping to have lunch with my friend aka the editor of the UCI paper sometime soon so I can write for them too. Til then I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for them to email me and tell me to come to meetings. I can't wait to be involved at UCI and feel some sort of purpose.

The week has been blisteringly hot. Just today I stepped out of my apartment after a cold shower with my hair still wet, and as soon as I emerged into the 100 degree heat I swear to you my head started steaming. It was weird.

Star Trek was showing last night at the park; in all honesty I found it quite boring but I always like mellowing out at nighttime so it was still nice. Then today the Jakes, Rootbeer, and Shiny Toy Guns performed out on the lawn, which was REALLY fun. Although I was pretty damn exhausted from doing who knows what all day it was still really entertaining. Definitely check out Rootbeer -- they're like a non-annoying,
more articulate & stylish version of LMFAO.

Afterwards, we went to my friends place and met up with her roommate, who is astoundingly self-assured and confident of who she is. It was really inspiring and at the same time a little intimidating; I wonder at why I'm not as sure of myself as she is. She's a really interesting person, a very commanding presence, as M so accurately describes.

Anyway, we talked a lot about various things but a topic that came up and was repeatedly emphasized was the importance of being yourself. Not so hard, right? Should be pretty simple.

BUT going into the next few days this is something I'm really going to have to keep in mind. H said be yourself 100% and if they don't like it, fuck them, you don't want to hang out with them anyway.

So I'm definitely keeping this in mind, since the coming days are gonna be dedicated Panhellenic Sorority Recruitment. I signed up after some deliberation and decided that it would be an experience worth retelling and would probably give me some valuable knowledge about myself as well as others, and the functioning of the social scene at UCI.

The recruitment orientation was today and it was packed. Filled to capacity with girls, chatty girls in summery clothes, French manicures and perfect makeup. Needless to say it was pretty overwhelming. Tomorrow starts the first day of rush: check-in is at 4:00pm and the events go on until 11pm. Visiting all nine houses, and then before I leave I have to narrow my options down to seven.

Do I really intend on joining a sorority? No. For a number of reasons, monetary as well as more personal reasons. But I realize I can't really judge and say I don't belong until I've tried it out at the very least. Talking to H really emphasized this to me, she's not a typical sorority girl in any way and yet she still found a place within all the stereotypes.

Not much is making sense right now, words are falling out whichever way they please. Tomorrow is the first day of school as well as the faculty/staff/student sit-in, which means that 2/3 of my classes are cancelled. But I still have to write an extra credit piece on what a UC education means to me, as well as sign up for ASUCI tomorrow and check-in for my first French class ever. Which I am absolutely terrified of taking, wish me luck and tutor me please.

Today I also prolonged a tradition with J & J. Venturing into Aldrich Park at the start of last year, J and I found some stone Buddha statue. We rubbed his belly for good luck, hoping for the best that the 08-09 school year could bring us. Today I rubbed his belly again and wondered what changes the next few months would bring, seeing as the past year was a period of such drastic growth that I feel now, that anything could happen.

GOOD NIGHT

forever

2009-09-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

It may not mean nothin to y'all
But understand nothing was done for me
So I don't plan on stopping at all
I want this shit forever

---

I want this success, and I'm afraid I'll lose sight of just how much I want it.

If this summer taught me anything...it humbled me and reminded me how that nothing is ever going to come easily. This summer showed me the prize -- the lifestyle I could live if I want it badly enough, and if I prove this want through devoted hard work.

But what is success? It comes in three parts for me and my greatest hope is to be able to gather all three.

1. Money - to not have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, to not have to worry about paying the rent. Or to just buy myself a nice NYC apartment. (: And to be able to buy the clothes/products/shoes that I just LOOK at right now.
2. Happiness - hopefully I'll be able to keep my friends & family close as I try to struggle to the top, and hopefully the rewards will be reaped among us all. A summer in Indonesia taught me the style of Indonesian hospitality that I so respect. It is endlessly giving, thoughtful, and conscious of the needs of others. It's something that I want to be able to incorporate into my life and something that really makes me happy. ALSO, of course, the happiness of doing something that I truly love.
3. Change - am I changing the world? Am I at least changing how some people view the world, or how some people think? Am I changing myself for the better?

I guess this is my reminder to strive.

---

I'm preparing to leave Cupertino once again. Just one year ago, my mind was frantic and my thoughts were scattered. Excited but excited (and anxious) in a thousand different directions. Balance is coming to me slowly and it's going to be the main focus for me this year...
and with that
I wish us all luck. (:

life lately

2009-09-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

My computer/mind have been completely failing me lately, so I've put Asia-trip-related goodness on hold. Also I hate Facebook for leading me to believe that my pictures are uploading successfully, and then after one hour of patiently watching the loading bar tiptoe closer to the end, a popup appears saying "Upload failed!" Thanks for the exclamation point, Facebook, I'm enthusiastic about failure too! SIGH.

So instead of blogging more about Asia or trying to upload pictures again, I've found much more entertainment on the internets.

1. The VMAs were today, yay. Of course I missed it cause I fell asleep, and I don't have cable anyway. Thankfully I checked up on the ever-dependable Perez and found the video of Kanye hatin on my girl Taylor. What a gem. How incredibly rude of him, if I were Taylor I would've hit him with my Moonman. I thought it was kind of sad that KidCudi didn't win a Moonman, because he IS the moon man, isn't he? Hahah. And also I found out that Taylor is like 5'11' or some other Amazonian height. But I digress. What wins me over about Kanye is that he published an apology blog, here it is, in typical Kanye fashion - he got his Caps Lockdown and his excessive exclamation points, what more can we ask for.

"I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!"

......LOL. My outrage on Taylor's behalf subsided a little.

2. Fashion Week in NYC. Happy happy happy. So far BCBG and Derek Lam are my faves, Rag & Bone and Alexander Wang were good too. I have kind of fallen in love with Victoria Beckham, because she comes across as actually kind of cute and fun and non-alien like, contrary to her appearance, plus she knows what she's talking about. And her collection is actually well-designed unlike other celebrity-turned-designers IE LAUREN CONRAD. Honestly why is she even famous. But hoorah for Posh Spice! Christian Siriano too, ALWAYS a favorite.

3. GOSSIP GIRL IS TOMORROW!!!!!!!! I'm as enthusiastic about this as Kanye is about apologizing to Taylor, can't you tell? YAY!!!

---

One week till I'm back in Irvine. Much to do till then!

where to begin

2009-09-12T11:22:00.001-07:00

It's been so long since I've actually written any of the thoughts crossing my mind that I don't know where to start. How do I even go about doing this thoroughly?

Where I left off...I was still in Jakarta at my aunt's house. After that, I spent 3 days in Jogja being a tourist and visiting various Buddhist/Hindu temples. I also watched a show about Ramayana that I really enjoyed, and I ate lots of hella CHEAP & DELICIOUS local food. If you know me, you know I love the cheap & delicious. SIGH, we had dinner for six for twelve dollars. And it was SOO yummyyyy...okay, my mouth is watering. And my mom hasn't gone to Costco to re-stock our house yet, so all I've eaten so far is crackers from the plane. No more talk of food.

After Jogja, we returned to my aunt's house to re-pack for the weekend at my grandma's house. A 2-hour drive away, it's in a city called Bandung, and is infested with mosquitoes. My bug bite count probably quadrupled thanks to Bandung.

The first thing I do whenever I get to my grandma's house is look at the photos on the walls. There are tons of them, pictures of me and my cousins and my aunts and uncles at various ages. The most recent one of me is actually from when I was like 12 probably...this must change. But there are pictures of me at three dressed up in snow gear in Ohio, and pictures of me and my grandpa and grandma and cousins at Disneyland when I was six...times I don't really remember, but times I'm glad that my grandma is documenting. There's also a relatively recent family portrait; but sadly my family is absent. I felt like it was kind of mirroring the current situation: just a visit, 3 weeks of peeking into the family life that my cousins live every day. The people in that portrait welcome us with smiles and open arms but soon enough we always turn away.

There's also an 8x10 of my grandfather, who passed away when I was about ten or eleven. His face looks so serious but I've seen pictures where he's holding my sister and he's laughing and it looks like it comes so easily. I see some resemblance in my mother and aunts when I look at his picture, and I think about all the old stories that my mom used to tell of him, like how he didn't get to finish his education, and instead had to work hard to help support his family. And how he burned his one pair of socks while trying to let them dry...hahah. But when it comes down to it, I don't really remember this man, and it frustrates me. I feel like I have no right to miss him, but I guess I just wish he were around (or I were around more) for us to try and be friends. My one memory of him is probably from when I was eight or nine. He was smoking outside, looking pensive and reserved as usual, and my mom nudged me to go outside and tell him to stop smoking. I was a little reluctant to do so, I think at that age I was a little intimidated by him, and ashamed of my sad grasp on the language. But I tiptoed outside and stood next to him, and looked at him and asked in broken Indonesian, "please don't smoke, ok?" I remember him smiling quietly and putting out his cigarette...but that's pretty much all I have. Maybe one more memory of him retrieving a ball that my cousin and I lost...but for the most part, I know him only from stories and recollections.

I tried harder to get to know my grandma for this reason. She's an excellent chef, better at English than my grandpa was (I think) and still a rather active and very generous woman. I just liked being around her because I feel like she glues our family together. Everyone looks to her with such respect and gratitude and in turn, she takes care of everyone very well.

Just being in my grandma's house feels kind of like a time machine. It startled me when I realized that that was the exact house my mother grew up in. I was looking at old photographs and saw the same clocks and cabinets, the same set up...it was pretty crazy. I visualized my mom watching horror movies alone at night and then tiptoeing to her room fearfully...and then retraced her footsteps as I went to bed. I sat around the same dining table that my mom and her siblings and parents had breakfast and lunch and dinner around for countless years, walked around the same house that my mom's brother lived in for his tragically short life. The uncle I'll never know, aside from seeing his youthful face in old pictures. I can't really describe how I feel when I'm at my grandma's house, but it feels like being home, and it's one of my favorite places in the world.

Another thing about Bandung -- it's one of those towns where everyone knows everyone. Or it used to be that kind of town, at least. I met a tofu vendor who used to sell tofu to my mom when she was my age and younger, and I visited the doctor around the corner that my mom used to see...and went to the apothecary to pick up cough medicine, the same apothecary my grandma used to send my mom to pick up prescriptions. The owners still remembered her and invited her in and started a long conversation, in a trademark of Indonesian hospitality. It was pretty crazy realizing how much of my mom's history took place in that town.

...

back to reality

2009-09-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

I have been home for less than one hour and already I have made five separate lists of things to do before I go back to Irvine. SIGH, back to reality much?

My last night in Singapore I tossed and turned, insomnia-stricken, my mind running wild with tons of things to write about -- the trip, my experiences, observations, resolutions, etc...but now I'm kind of lazy. I just want to sit and be home for a while, vegetate for a bit. Real blog coming tomorrow I guess. I only have a week before I'm back at school sooo...busy days ahead! (:

an alternate life

2009-08-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

Growing up in Indonesia would be so much different from the childhood I had. For one thing, family would be a lot more important to me, and I can see myself being much closer to my parents than I am now. Just being here obviously puts a stronger emphasis on family and already I'm appreciating my family more as I hear stories from the past. Yesterday I sat around the kitchen table with my grandma and my mom, making sweet rice cakes and listening to them retell funny stories of when my mom was little. This seems like such an everyday task but it's something I can only do once every three or four years, and I feel like there's something wrong with that.

Maybe my life would be more solidly grounded in family and in religion if I had grown up here. My aunt talked last night about my older cousin who is dating a Chinese girl, and she said something about religion being a very important factor in deciding who to marry or date. I didn't want to tell her that religion was definitely not an important factor in my life. And it made me wonder how far I fell from the mark -- my mom tried raising me Catholic as she had been raised, but who I am now, in thought and in action, is pretty far from the Catholic girl she tried to raise.

Considering this aspect of religion made me consider everything else about my life in the US. It's easy now to pinpoint the source of all the struggles between me and my parents; it's a cultural barrier that we both can't seem to breach. My sister and I strive for an American lifestyle of independence, freedom, and an exploration of different religions/schools of thought before sticking to one. My parents want us to have the bringing up that they had, centered around family, tradition, and respect for elders, including following their advice in all subject matters.

I'm trying to imagine growing up here. My aunts in Jakarta live in big, well-designed houses, with several nice cars and plenty of helpers and chauffeurs, and send their kids to private schools. My family lives in an apartment with two Hondas, my sister and I are in charge of cleaning the house and my mother does all the cooking. Everyone serves as a chauffeur when available, and my sister and I attended public schools since elementary school.

Had I grown up in Indonesia, would I live in a big house like my cousins did? Would I see them every morning as we get dropped off at the same school? Would I be happier this way, readily accepting and prolonging a tradition of growing up in Indonesia? I can't decide for myself if I would be happier, but I know for a fact that my parents are happier here. They're surrounded by their family and old friends, and aren't treated with the disrespect that foreigners sometimes encounter in the US. Which makes me question why they moved to the US in the first place.

It was a big, courageous move for them, I know. And I have a new-found sense of respect for them when I think of what they left behind. I wonder now if they're satisfied with what they have in the US, and if they ever regret their decision. If they ever look at me and my sister, their Americanized daughters, and regret raising us in the US, so far away from their home and our family.

It does give me a sense of regret. I never really understood where they were coming from, I guess, and during our past visits to Indonesia, I didn't really think about all this; it was just another vacation. I don't know what's different this time, but I guess I'm trying more to appreciate this trip because these visits are so few and far between. I've been listening to my aunts and grandma retell stories and talk about my cousins growing up and all that...and it's left me feeling like I'm missing out, being so far away.

I'd love to be able to watch my cousins grow up and count them among my dearest friends, to talk to my grandma without having to ask my mother to translate a word that I don't understand. I'd love to hang out with my cousins and not feel like such a fish out of water, to not have to feel self conscious about my American-ness and to not have to wonder if they think I'm some stuck-up, spoiled girl from far away.

I don't know. Surrounded by a close-knit family that I'm a distant part of is making me question a lot of my own actions and desires, past and present.

cousins

2009-08-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

make me so happy! (:

Last night I went to a sushi place with two sets of aunts/uncles/cousins. There were five of us seated at the "kids table", messing around just like old times. I forgot that I was 18 years old and in college and just resorted to making stupid faces at my 9 year old cousin next to me. He never stops talking and is truly a laugh riot, which I absolutely adore.

I am very content here. But at the same time this lull in productivity makes me want to go back to school even more. I had a dream last night about being back in Irvine and it made me want to get a move on with my goals. I guess I just can't really forget what I want to accomplish, and being in a place where I can't get any closer to those achievements makes me feel distant and irrelevant. I've never been good at being patient, but I realize I just need to learn how to appreciate what every day brings me, whether it be a step closer to accomplishing something or simply a good day with my family.

Being here also makes me wonder how my life would be different if I were born here instead of in the US.

coming home, part three

2009-08-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

I am finally in Jakarta. And quite exhausted. The past two days were pretty empty days, mostly spent sitting around waiting for planes that kept getting delayed. I won't go into detail but I will just say it took an extra 24 hours to actually make it to Jakarta, with a couple spare hours spent in Singapore with my aunt and adorable little cousins.

Before I go on I guess I should recap the rest of the Hong Kong leg of my trip. Day 2 was spent in normal tourist behavior, I guess. We went on a tram that was chugging straight up to Victoria Peak at what seemed like a four o'clock angle. The view from the top was absolutely remarkable! I can't wait to post pictures but I doubt I'll be able to until I'm back in the US. Anyway we lingered for a little bit but the blistering heat discouraged us from staying any longer.

We spent the afternoon lingering in cafes, exploring the IFC mall, and getting better acquainted with the MTR system. Dinnertime found us at a small and delicious restaurant tucked into a corner of the city, close to the water and our next destination, the Avenue of Stars.

Something of the HK version of Hollywood Blvd, the avenue was set right on the water and gave us an amazing view of the lit-up city sandwiched between dark sky and reflective waters. As 8 o'clock rolled around, the Symphony of Lights began and the skyscrapers across from us lit up, syncing with the music that was being projected from behind us. It was extremely well-coordinated and pretty much blew me away...I love watching light shows and things like that. The last time I was in a similar state of awe was probably last summer at the Disneyland fireworks show. SIGH<3

Day three was uneventful and consisted of the usual traveling bore - arriving at the airport early, waiting in line to check in, waiting for planes, etc. The failure of the plane to launch after four hours on the tarmac brought us a free night at the airport hotel as well as free dinner and breakfast.

I observed the crowd of delayed passengers and saw that almost all of them were angry. It got me thinking about stress and anger and how it all really just gets passed on for no real reason, and it was kind of frustrating. Honestly in situations like these anger will get you nowhere. I felt really bad for the guy trying to deal with all the vicious Asians, he looked no more than 21 and there was a look of confusion and panic on his face. I guess all these negative feelings just end up becoming a vicious cycle and they influence our environment for the worse. Honestly, I didn't mind the wait at all. I was just thinking that these people needed to chill and realize that it was not a huge deal.

Plus I had my third book of the trip to keep me company. Usually I hate waiting but now I really don't mind... I just whip out Obama's Dreams From My Father and keep reading about our president. As I read about his childhood in Jakarta, his descriptions came to life in my head, because I've seen everything he described before. In fact, I was heading there. It made me feel a connection to the president, as trivial and unrelated as it may be. This book is really becoming an inspiration for me, cheesy as that may sound. Oh and later on I found out that Obama was my aunt's friend's classmate in Indonesia...CRAZYY!

The next morning at 11 we were FINALLY in the air, and four hours later we were in Singapore, ready for another period of waiting. This time, since we had seven hours, my aunt picked us up and we settled at her house to catch up, eat, and see my cousins. They are 8 and 6, totally adorable, and EXTREMELY high energy.

The flight to Jakarta was a short one and I completely conked out. My other aunt picked us up at the airport and I fell asleep on the way home, the conversation occurring in Indonesian between the grown-ups sounding like music to my ears.

Coming to Indonesia feels oddly like coming home. Even though I can count the number of times I've visited on one hand, coming back to visit was kind of a sigh of relief. I guess it just feels familiar and I've had nothing but positive experiences here, what with spending so much time with all my family and all the relaxation. I guess some of my fondest memories are from the times I've spent in Indonesia, like last time when I was 15.

All my relatives stayed at a villa nestled in the countryside for a weekend. It was the perfect getaway: expansive fields, a cool stream nearby, and a well furnished and comfortable villa to house us all once night fell. Despite the fact that the house was more than able to accommodate us, everyone decided to sleep outside. We pitched tents by the stream, all the kids in one tent whispering and laughing as the adults told us to quiet down. I don't recall ever feeling more happy. Everything else is just a string of memories: laughing at the puppy sliding down the hills on his belly, exploring the stream and losing our sandals, sitting outside eating bananas and watching my talkative little cousin march around the soccer field barefoot, bossing the adults around.

I guess Indonesia is the perfect vacation spot because I feel like a kid again. I'm not the one with responsibilities and a life schedule to plan, I'm just another cousin or niece or granddaughter. I hardly even know the language, too, so I'm not expected to converse fluently with the adults or company. It feels good being a kid again, being around my cousins reminds me of how simple and happy they are and I just feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when I'm playing with them. No judgments, no need to impress, no desire for approval. And it helps that my cousins are all a very talkative, high-energy, and sociable bunch. I wish I could be around more to watch them grow up, though. The last three years since I've seen them have brought considerable change, both in height and personality. I'm always a little apprehensive right before I see them -- what if they don't remember me, or what if they've gotten so different from how I remember them? My last memories of them are so fond that I don't want to replace them, unless of course with better ones.

And I'm pretty sure better memories are close on the horizon. This weekend we're all heading to a tea plantation complete with horses! I am excited. To say the least. (:

I watched two movies on the plane that I really enjoyed: Sunshine Cleaning and Big Fish. Both nearly had me to tears haha. GO WATCH if you haven't already! Time for lunch with my aunt and grandma.

I STICKY.

2009-08-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

I decided to not even bother to figure out the time differences and how to switch between HK and CA. Instead, I am adopting the recently acquired camping philosphy that time is of no importance. I mean, I'm on vacation, after all.

After a pretty fast 13 hour flight (consisted of Running With Scissors, 17 Again omgzacefron, & SLEEP), we landed in HK. Immediately after stepping off the plane I was greeted with a cloud of humidity and instantly my pores started filling with sweat. Apparently the fact that it was 5 in the morning does not stop HK from being an already sweltering 87 degrees Fahrenheit.

We left the airport and went on an adventure. After getting picked up by a rollicky double decker reminiscent of the Knight Bus in Harry Potter, we transferred buses a couple more times, stopped at a 7/11 for snackage, and then took a ride through dense greenery to arrive at the Big Buddha. Can I first just say -- Hong Kong is breathtakingly beautiful. It's extremely lush, it's seriously GREEN everywhere you look. The mountains are amazing to look at too, and the ocean view is just as nice. Pictures do not do it justice.

So according to my mother, the story is that if you touch the lotus leaves that the Big Buddha is seated upon, you get to make a wish. We made our way up the many many stairs and soon found ourselves at the foot of the statue. Unfortunately we soon found out that to actually get close enough to touch the lotus, we would have to pay a fee. Any spark of faith in spirituality fizzled quickly...sigh. HAHA. Moving on.

After this little side-trip we went to our hotel. L'Hotel. It's QUITE swanky and I enjoy it immensely! We have a room on the 33rd floor and I absolutely love it, unlike my dad who has a fear of heights. Glancing out the big glass windows and being greeted with a view of high rises and bustling city streets far below fulfills some sort of happiness within me. I sat on my crisp white bed and soaked it in for a while as my sister flipped through channels. We couldn't decide what to watch:
1. A program called "Let's Speak Korean!!" taught by an entirely too enthusiastic Korean girl to an entirely too white man. Pretty entertaining.
2. A (BAD) soap opera where the main character is a white girl who speaks English with a Russian accent, but speaks in Mandarin to her father, who looks EXACTLY like Gimli (complete with beard/grunting) and has recently been diagnosed with diabetes.
Needless to say we found our way to MTV soon enough and fell asleep to Colbie Caillat and Taylor Swift music videos. LOVE!

Random HK tidbits:
-Conversation between me and my mother (some of you know she was concerned about my clothing being not conservative enough.)
Mom: (pointing at girls wearing t-shirts) see, those girls aren't wearing tank tops
Chery: they also look like they haven't seen sunlight in fourteen years. I have a tan to show off.
Mom: (laughs at me. SIGH)
To fit in amongst the HK girls I would probably have to lose 20 pounds and get 30 shades lighter. And then take a trip back to 2006 and give myself lawnmower bangs again.
-My enthusiastic urban studies professor's voice has been in my head because HK is full of...
1. ROUNDABOUTS!! A great way to divert traffic! (drift off into a personal story about getting lost in the roundabouts in Paris)
2. High rises galore!! High density, affordable housing! (insert another miscellaneous story from his well-traveled life)
Seriously, I can hear him echoing in my brain. But I'm interested in all this city stuff and city life is fascinating for me right now so I'm fine with it...
-MINUS the fact that I wish I had...very limited parental attention. Haha. Clubbing & Happy Hour are not activities to bring Ma and Pa along on. NTS, come back with friends. I am dying to explore the city without parents.
-like I mentioned earlier I have 2 bug bites already, more than the rest of my family combined. I don't know whether to be flattered that the bugs love me so much or just plain annoyed. One has swollen to nickel sized and the other to poker chip sized. Incredible. My body really just amazes me sometimes.
-HUMIDITY...I STICKY, ALL THE TIME! The immortal words of Katherine Hu, spoken almost EXACTLY a year ago (!!!) hold extremely true at this point in my life. I don't remember what it feels like to be non-sticky. SIGH, southeast Asia. How you tickle my fancy.
-LOTS OF DRAGONFLIES! They're huge. I also saw these bright red spiders with creepily long legs, and a praying mantis the size of my hand.
-peoplewatching = much fun to be had. Also there are billboards of girls who look like they could go to UCI.

And yeah, I finished reading Running With Scissors. Which I HIGHLY enjoyed & highly recommend. I remembered a recent conversation I had with C about getting really immersed into a book and then starting to hear the narrator in your head...because now Augusten Burroughs basically lives in my head. HAHA I'm starting to feel a little crazy, but yeah there is a narration going on in my mind right now. It's fine. Seriously though, that book was CRAZY good. And CRAZY! But really good.

Oh, and I have been writing entirely too much...someone please buy me an electronic journal with a QWERTY keypad so I can write ALL THE TIME. Being on vacation = too much free time, too much free time = too much thinking, too much thinking = too much writing = hand cramps and chicken scratch handwriting. WiFi would be good too, thanks.

But yeah, I am enjoying Hong Kong so far! I'm not really jetlagged, I guess because my sleep schedule at home was weird enough for me to not feel 13 hours of re-scheduling. Whatever. Ok, goodbye from the lobby of my swanky L'HOTEL! Until the next time the computer is freee...

HK!

2009-08-20T03:59:00.001-07:00

HERE! Yay.

Bug bite count: 2. Although I feel like they should count for 2 each because they've swollen to pretty incredible size.

Sigh, internet time is limited. And I finished reading Running With Scissors. C was right, WEIRD...but hilarious.

more looking back

2009-08-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

2007 was a great year.

I feel like I used to be funny, but am not anymore. I don't feel interesting or weird anymore. DID I LOSE IT?

edit/
I didn't mean this post to sound like I was fishing for compliments or reassurance. Now when I read it that's what I see...haha that's my bad. I guess it was a temporary fall into nostalgia/insecurity.

A skype session with T/M in Davis and A/C at my house reminded me to not look sadly upon the past. The conversation with A and C also reassured me how much I've grown since 2007 or whenever, really...and the time that has passed and the lessons that came with it should be something that I value rather than look upon nostalgically. I still miss things, though.

Anyway. Best of luck to A...and to all of us I guess. (:

looking back

2009-08-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

If you could re-do the past year, would you?

---

A's departure for college made me think of myself at this time last year. On the brink of a whole other life, unsure of what would come of the transition. I definitely was not myself when I got to Irvine.

When I think back on it all, I suppose I was thrust into something so uncertain that of course, I felt desperate and sought a quick escape from the confusion. Maybe I landed too fast. Maybe a good amount of floundering is necessary. I guess I floundered for a bit but then tightly grasped the first thing that came my way. Which was a mistake on my part.

Since then I know I've grown a lot. I think I'm becoming more secure with who I am, but I think part of this security comes from who I surround myself with. I have a stronger sense of self when I'm in NorCal, maybe because my friends have known me longer and already know who I am and how I behave. So because they know me better, I'm less conscious of my actions and less interested in how I appear to others. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, fail. Maybe it's because I care too much about what people think. Fail times two.

There shouldn't have to be this difference between home 1 and home 2. College is a weird place I guess. I wish I had more people like my home-friends, people who I can just kick it and be silly with. It's coming with time but patience was never a strong trait.

I think when fall quarter starts I will be thinking about this less. When I am here, I miss Irvine, when I am in Irvine, I miss Norcal. Can't I just have everything I want whenever I want it?

I don't know what spurred this train of thought. I feel like summer is ending! I am leaving for Hong Kong/Singapore/Indonesia in 24 hours. I have not packed. This should not be a surprise to any of you. Hahaha.

simplify

2009-08-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm back from a weekend camping adventure at Lake Sonoma with the crew, unfortunately missing a few people. One camping thread and much stress on a certain vicious (but well-loved) camp director's part later and we were at campsites #95 and #96, grilling burgers, spewing profanities at bees, and getting gloriously filthy.

It was actually really nice to not have to worry about anything, including hygiene. That may sound disgusting now, but showers were not really a main priority, because you know that your neighbor stinks just as much as you do. It's a combination of campsite dust, sunblock, and sweat...and then maybe throw in some lingering scent of portapotty and lake water. Delicious.

Seriously though, the entire time I was there, I was hardly thinking (except when B and T brought up interesting topics) and mostly just enjoying every moment. I wasn't thinking about school, or all the things I had to do. I didn't think about people I miss in Irvine and I wasn't meticulously planning out my fall quarter. I wasn't belittling myself for failing to acquire an internship like my friend had, and I wasn't constantly reminding myself to make things happen. I was just be-ing, and it was refreshingly simple and nice.

Even when I'm at home, I plan things constantly. I am a list-maker and I plot out time frames in my mind, which I realize is an exceedingly stressful instinct. I plan when I shower, I plan what I am going to eat, I plan what I will wear, the list goes on. There's just too much to think of. Then there's the added stress of parentals and sibling and the expectations that they bring you. But when we were all camping, there wasn't really much to stress about. Plenty of delicious food, plenty of good company. And that is all I need to keep me content.

Turning off my phone was such a relief as well. I will admit that I am pretty attached to my cellular device here in the real world, and it is something that I both love and hate. I love it because it lets me get in contact with the people I like best, but I hate it because it means I'm always accessible and a text message could throw my pre-planned day wildly off course. Sometimes my phone brings me things that are not best for me. Plus my phone's presence by my side just makes me feel like I'm waiting for something. Expecting a text message or phone call from a friend, when in reality, the phone should be something I glance at once every couple hours instead of however often I actually do toy with it (which is embarrassingly frequent).

I could argue that I just check the time on my phone very often...which is another thing I liked about camping. I never really knew what time it was. We got back to an animalistic stage, I guess you could say. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired, and got up when the sun came out. "What time is it?" we asked each other, bleary eyed, as we stumbled out of our tents. Nobody really knew...and then I realized it was of the least significance. Life became so much more simple and pleasant.

It was pleasant too, to sit and read for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I really read for pleasure in chunks of time like this. I devoured my book, 200+ pages in about two days, reading on and off whenever I could. Most of the time when I read, I just read pages at a time and then get distracted by something else (namely technology, damn you). It was so nice to just sit, attempt to forget about the sweltering heat and obnoxious bees, and disappear into someone else's fictional life.

Now that I'm back in civilization I've decided to be less attached to these devices that steal simplicity and pleasure away from my life. But it's a tough routine to change, because here I am, listening to Drake on my iPod, typing furiously away on my laptop (with twitter, facebook, gmail, AIM, and my blog open), with my phone not three inches away. And where is the book that was such a great companion to me all weekend? It lies lonely and unfinished in my bedroom, where I dropped it after I got home.

I suppose the trip was just that -- a trip. We can't always escape the negatives of technology and modern life, but it was a nice reminder to me to retreat into simple times whenever I can. It was a weekend well-spent, with much loved friends and fun times I won't forget anytime soon.

Aside from the camaraderie, I already miss the night sky. I miss seeing the Milky Way and the millions of stars, and I miss hoping that I'll look up at exactly the right time and catch a shooting star in it's short-lived trip across the sky. Seeing that huge darkness and all the stars reminds you of how small you are, and it's reassuring in a way.

I guess I just need to bring camping philosophy into my everyday civilian life. Simplify, retreat, have fun, remember your insignificance every once in a while. Wear plenty of sunblock. Oh, and bring band-aids.

friends

2009-08-12T23:52:00.000-07:00

How do you know if you are friends with someone?
A said it's when you both look at each other when something random/weird happens.
C said it's when she steals ice from their glass of water,
and T said it's when he drinks their water.

Personally, I don't really know. Of course those aren't really SERIOUS lines of friendship or acquaintance-ship, but it's interesting to think about. When do we actually start being friends with people?

I guess I'd have to say I'm really friends with you if I'm comfortable enough to be a lot less than a model citizen around you. If I make racist jokes, steal your food/beverage, spill ice cream on myself, sing like a dying cat, or actually if I'm completely silent and non-fidgety, those are very good signs for you. If you want to be my friend, that is.

I was talking to A about friends the other day, and how lucky I feel to have a GROUP of people I can be comfortably flawed around. Going to college and meeting all those other people made me realize that friends like these are not actually normal...not everyone has this to come home to. I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have such amazing people so close to me. No Mother Shei to cut fruit and be a voice of reason amidst all the crazy bitches, no dependable brother-figures to drive to the boonies to pick me up and split Pizookies with and call me out on being a bitch. Coming home would certainly not be coming home anymore.

More than that, it's great to know that they will actually be there for support when it really counts. Accompanying me to the rink and encouraging me to find some way to pursue any and all goals is a huge sign of friendship for me. Particularly this summer I felt that I got a lot of support with skating, dancing, writing, and even miscellaneous boy issues.

I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish here. After eating dinner part 2 with T/A/C and watching A breakdance and then having dessert, I got dropped off and was suddenly in quite a pensive mood. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice having you people around...so thanks. (:

be still

2009-08-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

Today was a weird day for me. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Lucky for me there are things in my life that can easily change that. For instance, this amazing view with these amazing people...I wanted to freeze time and sit there for eternity, not saying a word. Like I said before, sometimes things just feel right.

And sometimes it feels like the world is whizzing by. People are going to college soon and I'm embarking on this rather epic Asia-journey in a little over a week. The summer is passing by faster than I expected -- but each moment is rich and valued so I don't really feel at a loss. Some things are falling into place, which I'm enjoying. And the things that aren't...I don't really miss. I feel a definite change in myself and others. Change is good.

And something I learned: sometimes I need to just be quiet and appreciate. It's usually my instinct to have something to say...but sometimes silence speaks for itself. Right?

flight

2009-08-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

It felt like freedom. Sometimes, things just feel right.
I can't really express how good it was to just be on the ice again...but I liked the challenge.
And something about physically falling and getting up and trying again is so...simple and nice.

Waking up sore this morning was a good feeling. I want this back.
It made me happy in a way that I haven't been for a while..

Thanks C for documenting, thanks B for the accompaniment and opportunity. (:

potential

2009-08-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

I used to have it once.

---

Today, I went back to the ice rink to watch a competition, a pretty big competition that I used to skate in all the time. It was surreal, just being in the same atmosphere that I had once been so comfortable in. The excessive rhinestones, the two-faced attitudes of competitive skaters and their bitchy moms...but also the beauty of it all. I felt like a fish out of water and I wanted to cry out, "I belong here! I was once that girl out there on the ice!!!"

But of course, that would just make me even more irrelevant. And I was already feeling irrelevant enough as it is. The tiny little kids I used to skate with had grown up. At 11 or 12, they were getting closer to my height and quickly surpassing any skill I ever had on the ice. These tiny, talented girls. Practically bouncing with potential and actually utilizing it, honing their talent because it was something they loved, and it could probably take them somewhere. I wanted to tell them how LUCKY they were. I wanted to tell them to hold on to it and love it as long as they could.

They spoke of such big dreams. I forgot how competitive and BIG everything was in the ice skating world...big competitions, big names, and that translates into big schools when talk of college got around. It made me feel smaller...it's a different world in there.

It was quite the fish tank. I was extremely left out. It's the worst feeling: when you're no longer relevant in a world that you were once an integral part of. When something that was once your whole life moves on without you.

I was filled with envy and regret. Watching everyone skate made me realize how much I had lost and how much I had wasted. I guess now I really know what it feels like to take something for granted, and realize too late how much it meant.

Running into my old coach only cemented this fact further. "Are you ever going to come back?" he asked, with the same tone of voice that I once feared. I knew I missed the sport, dearly. But a lot had changed; my body and lifestyle wouldn't allow for an easy transition back into this world. I wish I had at least skated for the rest of high school (do I really? This is tough). Or I wish that I had at least valued it while I had it, because by the end of it, I was ready to forget about skating. I was tired, jaded...and I needed a break. But it was laziness that changed that break into an altogether halt. Even when I knew I missed it, I didn't return.

"You were amazing." We relived some memories and talked about the old days, which made me miss it even more. Competitions, routines, music, strengths and weaknesses...it all came rushing back and I realize how much fun it really was. And now I beat myself down -- why did I throw that away? Why didn't I appreciate it at it's full value?

There's nothing I can really do now. I'm planning on lacing up my skates again, hopefully in the near future, but it'll just be a hobby. There won't be that chance for improvement, that rush for competition, that thirst for learning something new, and that satisfaction of a weary body and a lesson that pushed me hard. It'll be different but this is one of those times I feel like I'll be lucky to settle.

---

And lately I've been surrounded with so much potential like this. Running into my old tennis superstar family friend, just talking to friends, watching dancers, watching skaters. Where's my potential? Did I really waste it all, when I was younger and unaware of my own luck? Where could I be now, WHO would I be now, if I had realized so much earlier?

I guess there's a different kind of potential now. When my coach asked me what I wanted to do for a living, I told him I wanted to write, with no hesitation. But there was a quiet voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't be enough. Because I want some stronger, more expressive form of expression to be part of my life again. Maybe that's why I'm trying to run back to ice skating, or half-heartedly trying to run towards dancing. We'll see where that takes me, I guess.

If anything, this whole experience has taught me to do whatever I can to do what I love. That part of growing up -- recognize your desire, then chase it. Simple.

closer

2009-08-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

Closer to my dreams
I'm gettin' higher
I feel it in my sleep
I said I'm gettin' higher
And closer to my dreams
Sometimes it feels like I'll never move on
Closer to my dreams

-Closer, Drake ft. Andreena Mill

---

So lately I've been talking and thinking about the future, the way that young people usually do. Within my friend group, I feel like there is so much potential and so many opportunities and I can't wait to see my friends succeed. Imagining where we'll be 10 years from now is such a trip. I want to see everyone grow up and fulfill their dreams.

Because now we actually CAN chase our dreams. As C and I wound around darkening roads last night, we talked about growing up and realizing that you can actually go after what you want. As children, there were always things that we desired, but we didn't have the means to go about and acquire them. As we grow up freedom is handed to us, through licenses, keys, connections, jobs, skills...etc. The only thing we have to do is actually utilize what we have to get what we want. That's growing up, I guess. Having less restrictions and being more able to get to where you want to be.

But restrictions will always exist...and lately, it seems that they especially like to exist in my life, at least at home. There's so much that I want to do but when I'm at home, my life gets smaller. I have a curfew, and I have to ask permission, and I am dependent. It's nice to "marinate" and relax I guess, but I'm in an ambitious sort of mood, so sitting at home just frustrates me.

Right now I just can't wait to escape. The family trip coming up is definitely something I'm looking forward to, I love travel and I know this trip will provide me some sights and sounds that will give me a lot to think about. Even more though, I want to be back at Irvine. Being home has made me realize how much more I can DO in Irvine, and all the opportunities I need to take advantage of. So I want to be there while I'm still in this "get things done" mood.

swing swing

2009-08-04T01:46:00.000-07:00

Something about swinging is so calming for me. Maybe it's the combination of good company and good conversation, set under a real blue summer night's sky pierced with stars and a glowing moon. I love the park after dark, it's a little more haunting and less innocent than by the light of day.

Today was a typical summer day followed by a typical summer night. I spent the day sitting around, trying to be productive but half-assing it. And then I started feeling bad for never getting things done while people around me are chasing their dreams. So I resolved to have no more of these type of days. They occur too often, and more and more, they expose the fact that it is only me standing in my own way. Why am I stopping myself?

Baby steps, I guess. I did accomplish a little bit today. Very slowly started on the route to (FINALLY!!!) getting my license, with a little help from T. I also researched the study abroad program that I hope to be participating in next summer. Six to seven weeks in France sounds like a dream come true. I'm looking forward to making this trip happen. I really can't wait to get back to Irvine and start setting the wheels in motion.

I think the trouble I have is thinking for the present. I'm so obsessed with the future and the goals, but I don't really think about the steps leading up to it. Simultaneously I analyze the past and reflect upon what HAS happened instead of what IS happening. How do I take these thoughts on the past/future and translate them into my present? If I find this out, I think I'll be a lot happier with who I am.

Jason Mraz's blog led me to a name-analyzing website today. For the most part it was pretty accurate, especially the part about being independent and striving to have experiences. And the interest waning quickly...and even the frustration/rebelliousness was pretty on point. And here's the punch: "Although the name Chery creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation."

A restless intensity? I guess I can relate. So will relaxation be denied to me for the rest of my lifetime? Something to think about. Interesting site.

nostalgia

2009-07-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

When did our present turn into the past? Is it instantaneous, the second it's over it becomes the past? There are times that feel like just yesterday that I realize are so far gone.

I ran into some old family friends today after lunch. We passed by casually, not recognizing one another after the lapse of not seeing each other for a couple years. Turning around I realized that it really was them, so I caught up with them and WOW what a trip. I remember baby-sitting the two kids, and now they're fourteen and eleven. One of them is taller than my sister, thankfully still shorter than me (just by an inch). She's about to start high school, if you can call it that. She's homeschooling because she is a tennis SUPERSTAR. Caps lock necessary.

Time really flies...we used to see each other a lot, they were like the little siblings I never had. Maybe I'm being extra nostalgic, I just miss those olden days.

And I miss the golden age -- I didn't really think about it until yesterday, high school was pretty outrageous. So many good times, and it felt so unique and fresh. Just the people I surrounded myself with had such a different feel than the people I meet in college. College life can be pretty cookie-cutter at times. Yeah it's fun, but don't we all get tired of it? I'm looking for someone(s) to flip that around and bring back the glory days of high school, except college style. Does that make sense? High school life just felt more interesting.

Maybe college is just a lull. The empty space between the fun of high school and the grind of post-college life. A time to realize your goals, make connections (but not relationships), and start building yourself a foundation. This post is making college sound SO dull, which it really is not...I'm just being nostalgic, I suppose.

<3 Gabe Bondoc.

homes

2009-07-31T01:50:00.000-07:00

Being back home is different. In all honesty, I'm confused at which "home" is my main home now. Irvine pulls me back the way Cupertino pulled me back when I was in Irvine...it's kind of painful to constantly be in this limbo. I find myself wondering what I'd be doing if I was in Irvine. But here, let's not ponder the might-have-beens, rather, let's focus on recent ponderings of being back home...

First off, I'm going to whine a little bit. Grievances about home include:
-weak showerhead
-lack of my regular beauty products (SIGH Aussie shampoo, I MISS YOU DEARLY)
-curfew....sucks major ass.
-I feel extra poor here, even though in Irvine I was making very little bank.

Anyway...being home is extra nice right now. It's like a fresh breath of air, time to gather yourself and re-focus. It's nice having something to look forward to and consistently work at, too (HOLLA DANCE BISCUITS) hahah.

Also, I think everyone is taking notice of each other more. Some things feel a lot closer. I find myself being much more open with people too, maybe the physical distance made me realize how important they actually are in my life. I'm kind of rambling, it's late...

Living life in chunks is easier to do.

easy breezy

2009-07-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day in SoCal for a while...surprise, coming home a little early! Somehow though, once I dream of leaving, people conjure up reasons to make me stay...birthday parties, beach trips, pool parties (with cabanas!!), social activities galore, all which I THRIVE upon! Too bad my NorCal love affair must resume...I've been away too long and all I really want to do is sit in Meher's garage. Haha, holla!

Anyway, today was an easy-peasy breezy kind of day. I went wherever the wind blew me...well, I went the way the wind was coming from, because I like the wind blowing in my hair that way. I was talking about this with a friend, you look so much better when you're going against the wind than when you're going with it. PARALLEL FOR LIFE, MUCH??? WOW! Moving on.

I had work early in the morning and although it was quite a drag, it was over soon enough. I ran into my ex-RA and we planned a lunch date for a few hours in the future, so I rushed myself home and soon found myself at BCD with Norby & Mo. It was quite the cute catchup, nothing else to say! Then from there I went to Mo's and lazed around for a while, which I am very good at. We went to Newport Beach around 4:30 and chilled in the delicious ocean breeze for a while.

I met someone so funny at the beach. She's HILARIOUS -- a one-woman show. So funny and charismatic and shamelessly herself. She's one of those people I admire and wish to be more like. This might sound kind of creepy. But she's hilarrrrious! I love being around people like that. But at the same time I feel so boring and unsubstantial around her type.

We ended up back at Mo's place after the beach, had a little dinner, had a little fun...and now I'm back at my place, neglecting my packing as I knew I would. Plenty of time for that later!

Something that has come to my attention lately: my wants and actions are quite contradictory. Or rather, my actions do not lead directly to my wants. Instead they twist and tangle, with my intentions only living in my head and not in spoken word. I think I fear getting in people's way, I don't want to leave a "pushy" impression, thus I shy from asking for what I want.

Exhibit A: Last night my time of the month cravings begged for Salsa Verde. My friend told me he would take me to Albertsons but forgot and went without me...Mo insisted on him taking us anyway, and he obliged, but I steadfastly said NO even though my stomach was screaming the opposite. So is this pushover status or a desire to not get in people's way?

And if I don't get in people's ways once in a while, doesn't that mean I'll just be soon forgotten? I feel like I don't leave a lasting impression; I'll be there when you want me but I won't force myself into your life. Easily ignored?

Exhibit B: Some of you may know about my youtube friend. SIGH, I want my T-shirt back...like desperately. But I feel like I'm being naggy and annoying, which I absolutely HATE in others so I'm being less persistent than I would usually be. Is this a pathetic surrender or a polite step back?

ANNNND....there, I hit it. I'm over thinking. Excellent. I will just sit here in my lens-less 3-D glasses (!!!) and continue to ponder the reasons for my lackluster living and ignore my gaping suitcase.

T-minus 12 hours until I'm aboard the beloved Vietnamese bus! Off to do other things to take up time.

oh, those summer nights

2009-07-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

I need to work at living in the moment
instead of considering the future
and questioning the past.

tetris & a sense of humor

2009-07-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

So today when I was (not) studying, I decided that life is like Tetris. It is maybe the most perfect analogy I have ever created, and I congratulate myself on this genius idea.

You see, sometimes things just fit perfectly. And you are rewarded for your skill/action or whatever you did to deserve something falling into place so nicely. Kudos.

More often than not, this is not the case.

Sometimes, you THINK something will fit, BUT IT WON'T! That's your bad, oops. Don't worry, it's fixable.

It just sucks when something better comes along that would have fit. Then you kick yourself in the shins. But again, more pieces are coming so, not to worry!

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Ultimately you die, unless you play tetris until you...actually die. Sad for you.

Sometimes things are just fail. It's okay, try again.

Don't worry guys, contrary to the illustrations, I am actually pretty good at Tetris......ha.

I wonder what my life would look like as a Tetris game. Haha. Am I crazy? Have I been trying to study/not study for too long? Yes, probably to both. Sigh.

---
A more substantial portion of this strange blogpost:

A good sense of humor is all you need to get through anything life throws your way.

For instance, the single life can be crazy and very weird. One of my girl friends told me stories about weird guys touching her legs and asking to see her armpits and the such. And we all know the (fail) stories of my car hustler and other...more than friendly endeavors. Haha. Today the girl friend I mentioned texted me about a guy she met twice:

"homeboy went through my underwear drawer. who does that?!"

In response, all I have to ask is, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DEALING WITH? Some boys just surpass any and all boundaries and never fail to put a O_O on my face.

"he brought over two cans of beer...LOL"

...............good. At least it was two...courtesy, perhaps? Or he was really, really thirsty.

"he pulled the shaving line like the other guy. he's like hey you don't have much hair then he touched my leg"

Yeah, there was another guy who did that. HAHA....okay. Can I get some explanations? These situations are just so bizarre.

weakness

2009-07-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

"You need not find a cure for everything that makes you weak."

This quote has stuck out in my mind ever since the time I stumbled upon it when browsing through Postsecret. (I've probably even written about it here). I've pondered it and thought about it but somehow I still don't know what it means to me. Does it mean that we should relent to the weakness and be absorbed in the misery of being human? Or does it simply mean that some things that make us weak are not actually ailments that should be sought to be cured? Do our weaknesses make us who we are? Or do they change us by forcing us to try to overcome them?

"Some secrets are good...a little shade makes you more interesting."
"Yeah...shadows make someone 3-d."
How true and unfortunate. Fortunate? Depends what the shadows are hiding, I suppose.

I digress. I was writing about weakness. I thought somehow that snippet of a conversation would relate because it does in my mind, but maybe not so much after all.

Anyway. Here I am, possibly at the weakest point ever. I suppose the cycle of engaging myself too much when I know I need rest is paralleled emotionally as well. But first off let's discuss the breakdown. It started off Monday night, and then all of Tuesday I was in bed with a raging fever, imagining I was on my death bed and thinking of all the things I'd regret. I hadn't the strength to get up and beg for medicine until about four hours into my pitiful non-nap. Delirious and awoken from my "near-death" state, I thought I knew what I would do and I had a certain determination. I'm proud of my then-self; but maybe I was only that way because I had an excuse. I could put it off until I got better, at least.

Today I was feeling better. I made it to class, hung out with friends, went to Baja Fresh for a free burrito deal. Towards the end of dinner I started itching...and finding strange bumps on my face. Initially I dismissed them as bug bites but then they started popping up really quickly. I was not in a good state. I guess I was having an allergic reaction, to what, I don't know. But we raced off to Albertsons to pick up some Benadryl, with my heartbeat pounding in my ever-swelling face.

So maybe it's all the acetaminophen and diphenhydramine in my system right now that's making me feel like this. Like what? LIKE SHIT. My body is under attack from within. I feel betrayed.

I hate feeling weak.

I also hate that I am doing nothing to get closer to where I want to be. In any aspect of my life. Why am I holding myself back? I am my own worst enemy.

alone

2009-07-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

"We all need somebody to lean on."
Do we?

I've been a strong proponent/admirer of independence for a very long time. If you can't depend on yourself, then who are you going to depend on? If you can't be happy being a singular self, how can you be happy with someone else? If you can't make it alone, how will you make it at all?

We're not completely alone, however. There are people who trip in and out of our lives, passers by in a personalized journey that you ultimately travel alone. They do bring happiness, they bring security and comfort, they bring a lot of things into your life. But their segment in your life comes to a conclusion soon enough and then they fade, left to be a happy memory. And new people come in to bring happiness/encouragement/intimacy etc. back in. You choose to let them bring that back to you. You pick and choose who comes in and out and what they bring to your door.

So purely alone, but we try so hard to have someone and to surround ourselves with people. Humans are social beings, I accept and embrace that fact, in fact I am living that fact. But I also appreciate and cherish the time when I can be reclusive and utterly alone. My apartment is empty most nights, I enjoy the quiet and the allowances it brings me. Only my light is on and my music is blasting, with no regards of being a bother.

I was not aware that there were people who feared so much what I enjoy.
Just recently I've met people who can't stand being alone. Who are afraid of being alone in their own home, at day or at night, who not only desire the presence of other people close by at all times, but say that they NEED this constant company. It really surprised me. But you come across all kinds of people in life.

---
Every day I ask myself what I'm looking for; every day, the answer changes.

direction

2009-07-12T15:38:00.001-07:00

The weekend was perfect! But hey, I'm speaking in the past tense and I still have some hours to burn before I can officially whine about it being Monday again. An adventure might be coming around...but for now I'm content with re-capping.

It's nice being around people who are goal-oriented. I was talking to C. about this today when she was here; hanging out with goal-oriented people makes me more goal-oriented. And goals are good: they give me something to direct my crazy energy towards. That's something I have to work on, usually I feel as though my energy gets wasted and I end up sitting around thinking too much and making myself sad or bored.

I'm looking forward to so much now. The rest of the summer, the trip to Asia, being home for small bursts...and then the start of my second year. First year was quite an adventure, but it seemed to lack direction. Next year I want to have things to focus on and goals to achieve. I want to work hard and feel rewarded. Next year I want to feel like I'm taking myself somewhere and making something of myself, instead of just having meaningless daily fun.

Lately my dreams have been telling me to expect disappointment or trouble...not gonna lie, this kind of frightens me because I'm in such a happy-go-lucky place in my life right now. I can't foresee any kind of discontentment on the horizon and I'm afraid that it will sneak up on me.

But I'm not worrying too much. I won't worry my life away! (:

breath

2009-07-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

There's makeup on the pillow from the nights I'm out too late
There are plans and thoughts in my mind, cause I can't seem to wait
for things to keep on happening, I need to set the pace
but they say to take it slow, this life is not a race

---

More and more, the every day roller coaster is teaching me how to depend on myself and where to find the people to truly count on. I feel like I'm living the Sex & the City life cause right now the guys in my life are kinda whaaack. My close girl friends are so fun to chill with or go out on adventures with or cause trouble with...and it's really different from kicking it with boys, obviously. It's so weird cause it's kinda opposite from home-life, but I like both. I CAN HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, TOO!

Which brings me to the point that I kind of have been really liking Miley Cyrus the past couple of days. Today I watched the Hannah Montana movie (and kind of secretly loved it). "See you again" has been on repeat lately, it's so fun to dance to hehe. SHH GUYS, this is a big secret. I told myself I would never like Miley but oh well.

Cause HONESTLY honestly, we all have our Hannah Montana sides! HAHA this is maybe one of the lamest analogies I've ever made but...I totally get it. We all have that interior that only a few people know. And I especially feel that there's a switch that I turn on when I go to parties or hang out with people. I feel like a different person. There's a select few here who know both sides to the story, and I think I'm going to keep it that way for now.

SO you know how there's that saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea"? Metaphorically, I totally understand. But yesterday I went grunion running and there were like...no fish in the sea. I was in the ocean for like 1+ hour getting DRENCHED (and loving it) and we caught one fish. We meaning the people who caught me and J. on our way to doing our laundry and convinced us to go with them to Seal Beach. Sigh, summer adventures...that result in late nights...and sleepy days...and bad grades on stats tests. BOO.

But yeah basically grunions are fish, once a year they come in to mate and when the waves come in they wash up on the beach and stuff. There were SO many people out trying to catch them, it was pretty crazy! I loved just being in the ocean at night, it just feels like another world. I got completely soaked and it was exhilirating.

So that brings my beach count for the summer up to a measly 2. Both were rather spontaneous nighttime adventures. Once was with A., a new friend(?). We'll see.

Honestly, tonight there are so many things I could do and I love that. But I'm kind of excited to take a breather and take it slow...for once, right? I haven't had much down time lately, there are people to see and things to do. I don't get a chance to write as often and I think my skills are definitely going down the drain. It's a scribbled thought accompanying my morning ramen or sandwiched between my late-night teeth-brushing and KO on the pillow.

I'm very excited to see C. tomorrow. (:

I can't control my train of thought right now! It's definitely de-railed. So I'll make some lists, cause that is what I am good at.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LATELY:
-I'm not a very romantic person.
-We're all a little bit racist.
-The Exorcist was not that scary.
-I feel low when I feel like there are no options.
-This is more of an opinion...but I think my cupcakes are better than Sprinkles. Maybe I just got a big ego (cue music)

---
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
---

GOALS:
summer:
-learn how to read palms (holla Arjun. hahah)
-get a bike, bike to Newport
-maybe run a 5k.
-learn how to play Ego and The Climb on the piano
-get back to ice skating
next year:
-formal rush but don't pledge
-join ASUCI
-write for the New U
-or join the yearbook
-Snowboard club?
-learn how to DANCE!
-join an environmental friendly club
-get into SPOP

---

This was the most random blog ever...

expectations

2009-07-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

No matter what you do, it's never going to be what you expected.

I need to stop trying so hard to plan and pursue these images in my mind...life is so much easier if you just roll with the punches and approach each day with a blank slate.

Life is good in Irvine. Every day is a different adventure and I'm constantly meeting new people, which is keeping me happy. I think I'm the type of person who just always needs these new situations and people to keep me interested. If life gets boring, I get sad. And then I start thinking too much, and we all know how bad that is. I like being in Irvine cause I'm always occupied...home gets a bit too mellow sometimes.

Today I went to Costco and had free samples. SO GOOD. I resolve to go there for lunch on the weekends. I am a poor college student and their food is good, so it seems like a pretty obvious decision right?

I wish I wrote these words

2009-06-26T02:19:00.000-07:00

Mraz got there first.

A Beautiful Mess

you've got the best of both worlds
you're the kind of girl who can take down a man
and lift him back up again
you are strong but you're needy
humble but you're greedy
and based on your body language and shoddy cursive i've been reading
your style is quite selective
though your mind is rather reckless
well i guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear

cause here we are
here we are

although you are biased, i love your advice
your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
there's no shame in being crazy
depending on how you take these words i'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses

well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is a life i've heard
but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
oh, dear
cause here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
here we are
we're still here

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess
when the only answer is yes

and through timeless words
and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn
and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern
when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses
and stained our shirts
but it's nice today
oh the wait was so worth it

---

kid cudi speaks:
"worst thing in the world is emotions so i'm sitting here trying to go through the motions"

let me get my theme music

2009-06-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

just forget everything that you know
let's take it all the way back to hello
they say you living like you died before
i got a place that only i can go...

---

SUMMER (:

Although I have been under house arrest for the past couple days I managed to leave the house today. And it was GLORIOUS! I love being home with these people. They get my endorphins up, you guys are my endorphrends. Sorry. I feel like I am on crack right now.

I'm excited to go back to Irvine too, though. Always this limbo.

I thought this blog would be more cohesive and thoughtful, but I just wanna have fun right now. Summer summer summmmmerrrrrr. Best word in the dictionary.

the cusp

2009-06-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

Thus ends my freshman year at UC Irvine. Although I'm not moved out yet (quite the contrary in fact) everything has winded down. My roommate moved out today at 3; unfortunately, I wasn't around to bid her goodbye. I returned to half a barren room. The other side was as opposite of barren as possible, starting me on this endless task of packing my many many belongings. My freshman year lies forlornly around me, taking up more space than I can afford. Posters, quotes, random bits of memorabilia that my packrat self has decided to stow away. I suppose I feel some sort of success, looking back upon it all. But I think that's mostly because I tried so much, failed so much, and learned so much in turn.

I could go into details about personal growth and all that miscellaneous blabber but that's a more private entry that requires a bit more thought and reflection on my part. I haven't really sat down and thought about how I've changed over the past year, and I don't think it's something that can really be listed anyway. The important thing is I'm taking the lessons with me; hopefully they'll remind me to screw my head on straight.

The fact is, I know I've changed. We've all changed. It's surreal to think that just one year ago we were wearing those bedsheets they call graduation gowns, filled with an exuberance about the "last" summer in Cupertino and the adventures that the fall would bring us. Looking at all the pictures of 2009 graduating and going to prom and SANP is strange. It makes me feel old and irrelevant. And it feels like they're tresspassing on something that I've staked as my own claim; those events should belong to me and 2008. It's hard to realize that everyone has their own memories and everyone makes it what it is for themselves. It's hard to realize how important their graduation is to them, when the 2008 graduation is the only one that bears any significance for me. But of course this is always how it is, you're looking into the fishtank most of the time, and on special occasions you are the fish. Once you're outside the tank again it's weird to look at the fish and think it was you, just moments ago.

Enough with the far-fetched analogy. There are definitely similarities between June 2008 and June 2009. For instance, I am sick. Graduation last year I was feeling feverish, and what resulted was a rather miserable (but memorable nonetheless) SANP, and then a week of recovery. I guess I can't stop myself from going full speed at the end of the year. It's always jam-packed and I'm not good at slowing down and taking care of myself. These "ends" will never happen again, right? Might as well make it memorable and suffer the consequences later. Full speed ahead! (:

I'm worried about coming home though. I don't want to be sick for the one week I have at home, sandwiched between long stays in Irvine. I have so much I want to do in that one week that being bed-ridden would completely KILL me! So I'm stocking up on vitamin C and pounding my body with fluids. And I'm not one to rely on medicine, but I have some Motrin in my bag. Just in case of emergency.

Besides that, I'm really excited for this summer. I know I won't be staying in one place for long, essentially I'm splitting my time between Irvine, Cupertino, and Indonesia. But I've always liked the jet-setting lifestyle and I hope the shortness of my stays will prevent me from becoming lazy and putting off things that I want to do. It does suck that I won't be able to spend more time in NorCal, but there's no fighting it now I guess. This is the first fragmented summer of many to come, I feel. In a way it's good: these short bursts of home keep reminding me of how good it is for me and keep me wanting more. I leave just when I'm really appreciating it, and it draws me back like nothing else.

Home just sounds so good right now. My dorm is empty and I can finally be unabashedly myself: singing Taylor Swift as I pack, being the messy and loud person that I naturally am without infringing on the comfort of my roommate. Don't get me wrong, I love my roommate, but we all need our own space. And alone time was so limited this year. It was hard to sit and just BE, to wind down and re-achieve zen. To type a nice long blog and listen to music full blast. This is what home offers to me in my mind: a place where I can be myself without worrying. Sorry guys, I know I'm weird, but I know they've accepted my quirks and I've accepted theirs. This mutual understanding is what makes home that much more precious, no more judgements and the knowledge that they'll be there through thick and thin. The comfortable-as-you-are ambiance is something that Irvine lacks for a large part and is what I miss most.

Finals ended last night at 9pm (just as the Lakers won...) and I spent the night packing, playing tetris, and slowly burning up. I went to bed with a fever and chills, hating myself for having such a sad immune system. I woke up feeling better though, and I went to an Obey warehouse sale and shopped shopped shopped! I'm terrible at saving money, but hey, I deserved this. Today I packed and helped friends move, hung out a little bit and stressed over the swollen-ness of my stupid lymph nodes. (Is that what they are?) Tonight I'm hanging out with pledge sisters and the bros, and having a sleepover in Monique's room hopefully. The last kick! And tomorrow morning my parents are coming to pick me up. Hopefully I'll be completely packed and I can just throw my stuff in the car and BOUNCE!

I am so ecstatic that summer is here! It tastes like sweet tea from chick-fil-a and sounds like the laughter of friends and music on full blast. It smells like chlorine and ocean and Chipotle and frozen yogurt. It looks like a great view from Highway 9, a sunset over the beach, sunny days wherever I am. I can't wait to see my friends, and my family, and to recuperate and not worry about jack squat! ANTICIPATION! I have high hopes for Summer 2009 and I won't let myself down. (: (longboarding, DJing, being tan, getting my hair back to regular color, exercising, cooking, scrapbooking, finding dorm decor, industrial bar piercing?, bonfires, BAKING, beach trips, SF, dance choreos, sleepovers, camping, shopping, making bank, karaoke, bowling, swimming, movie marathons, piano, ice skating, reading, vegetating, eating too much, sitting around doing nothing with people who mean everything (:...etc.)

I'm such a rambler. This blog is way too long. Time to get back to packing!
HOME SOON!!! (:

so actually

2009-05-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

SUMMER
June 12 or 13: come home
June 21: leave home
June 22: move in to my APARTMENT hollaaa (:
June 22-July 29: summer school
July 30-August 23: home
August 23-September 12: Indonesia
September 12-September 19: HOME
September 21: school starts

COOL...visit me please. Empty apartment, Disneyland & the beach close by.
Kind of a bummer, I'm only gonna be home for like a month total. OH WELL, such is life!

a regular kind of recap

2009-05-05T14:02:00.001-07:00

because I really haven't in a while. Lots has been going on!

I am halfway through my last quarter of freshman year and I must say it is the most hectic of them all! Besides being pretty exhausted and/or lazy 24/7 I have been occupying myself with the following...

SCHOOL
I have a midterm and a test this week and also a prospectus for my research paper. This quarter is a lot more busy work than I have ever had to deal with but I suppose it's keeping me in check so I don't completely failS on tests/papers. Although I didn't do super well on my first HumCore paper but...sigh. ): I'm currently working on a research paper about urban planning/environmental design, which is really related to the paper about new urbanism I turned in a couple weeks back...I'm gonna be an expert, seriously! And I'm actually considering urban planning as a major/minor so we'll see where this goes.

PLEDGING
Still a lil sis pledge. It's actually realllly fun and getting to know my pledge sisters and the bros is pretty cool. You learn a lot about different people/why they behave the way they do when you are thrust into an already established group of friends. I've been observing and it teaches you a lot about how to conduct yourself in the way you deem most fit...hard to explain, but I'm enjoying myself tremendously. It's always nice to have something to look forward to, and there are a lot of events that they planned for us. Fun times.

Also me and my pledge sisters went to the tattoo parlor over the weekend and got some piercings hehe. I'm probably gonna be back there sooner than I thought.

WORK
My first day of work was today! So I got up at the crack of dawn (6:30 AM) to don my UCI Dining polo and hat and really weird rubber shoes. It was pretty chill, all I really had to do was make coffee and work the register. Everyone was really nice, too, even though today was NOOB day and I was ultimate noobs. Plus I got free sushi at the end, YEE!!

Also one of my co-workers is a staff writer for the UCI paper, the New University. The editor-in-chief came in to buy coffee and we chatted for a bit and I gave him my email which MEANS I'm probably gonna be writing for the New U SOON!! Either this quarter if I have time or next year. (: Connections baby!

Besides all that not much has been going on. Summer plans are falling into place and it looks like I probably won't be taking summer school at UCI this year. What IS happening:
-GETTING MY LISENCE
-summer school at De Anza perhaps
-job. Baskin Robbins anyone?? HAHAh...
-Irvine trip to move into my apartment/stay for a while? ANY TAKERS? We can stay there and make some trips to Disneyland & the beach etc... (:
-going to Indonesia in early September

and then I guess school begins again late Sept! Time sure does fly.

It's funny reading the seniors' statuses or wall posts about college. I chanced upon an "09 goes to college" facebook group when I was avoiding doing work and it kinda made me sad. I feel old. ): I wanna be young and excited for college again! Cause all I really want to do right now is go home and be lazy. Hopefully this summer will be revitalizing enough.

Also, I reallllly want to go snowboarding. REALLLY BADLY. ):

I texted my sister earlier this week about shiiiit that was going on in my life and I'm finding more and more how similar we are. It shouldn't be surprising but I never really thought of her as someone I'd talk to about my problems. I guess we're really similar in how we deal with things and how we view things...so it's definitely nice realizing that someone who's been right beside you this whole time is actually a lot more than what you thought. NTS talk to sister more. (: But yeah she offered me this one great piece of advice: "keep your pimphand strong and be hard."
HAHAHAHA......truth.

That's pretty much it...I think I'm gonna take a nap.

every day is different

2009-04-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

and exciting. I don't think I'll ever be able to be truly CONTENT with my life; there are always things that I want to do and ways I can better myself and experiences that are offered. That's my happiness, I guess. Never knowing whats coming next and just going with whatever comes your way.

I have been busy...it's been good.

I had a good conversation today about caring. Like actively deciding what to care about and what to think about and neglecting the things that you deem unnecessary. He said just care about what you have to care about because everything else will blow over. SO right, I just need to remember to apply this to my life more, because lately I tend to get swept away by every little breeze. It's fun I guess, but to be anchored is more practical.

My midterm is tomorrow which is why I decided to write a blog that trails off and has no definite substance. Should really study.

Plus, I'm waiting for a real blog worthy thought to enter my head.
Till then, stay free of swine flu!

unreachable

2009-04-21T20:55:00.001-07:00

where is everyone! ):

true or false:
all we really want is to feel like we belong.

i miss you guys

oh lately it's so quiet

2009-04-11T23:37:00.001-07:00

it's perfect timing, really.

My parents+sister came down to visit today; so we spent some green on delicious food & clothing. My tame Saturday ends thus: cleaned my room, wrote, etc. And this, I suppose.

DIRECTIONS:
- Go to Google image search.
- Type in your answer to each question.
- Choose a picture
- Use this website (http://bighugelabs .com/flickr/mosaic.php) to make your collage.
- Save the image for use in this note.
- Post and tag all your friends.

QUESTIONS:
1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. How are you feeling right now?
11. What do you love most in the world?
12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

It was entertaining.

cut the crap

2009-04-06T02:09:00.000-07:00

What are you doing in college? What are you looking for? An actual education? Fun? Lasting friendships? A relationship? Experiences that will help you get a job? Life lessons? The chance to experiment?

Honestly, why are we where we are right now? Past the reasoning that my father paid for this academic pathway and that's how I'm in this dorm, what am I REALLY doing here?

Success, I just overused my question mark key. But seriously. Answers appreciated.

sigh of relief

2009-04-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

So judging from the varied "IMUNNA DIEEE" tweets that my friends posted, I'm guessing we all pretty much had a hard week. This week was jam packed for me and I am now over the week 1 hump, with two rather sad side effects:
1. Busy schedule = no time for project 365. I neglected it rather shamefully, and I am realllly sad about this. I guess it only really lasted for 60 days? I'll pick it up again later, for sure.
2. My throat is starting to get a little sore, which frightens me. I DO NOT WANT TO BE SICK! ):

Besides that, I have tons of reading to do this weekend. Which I am actually not dreading. In fact, I am kind of excited to pick up my texts! My classes are pretty engaging and interesting so far and I'm happy that I picked classes that actually spark my interest:

Stats & Probability: okay, so this class has a lot of homework and tests but I'm thinking that's gonna keep me on the ball. The reading is pretty easy so far and there's a lot of people in this class with me. By far the best thing about this class is the professor. He reminds me of an old wise turtle cause he talks kind of slow and has some sort of strange (but kind of enjoyable) inflection. The first class he was sick so he sounded like he was drowning in his own phlegm half the time, especially when he said "guh-guh-guhghg-good". He keeps everyone awake in this class with his slow, subtle humor...or actually, I think most of the time everyone is just laughing at how strange he is. Haha. The first class he talked about giraffes and now I'm not sure I know what a giraffe is. Today he talked about letting a die decide the route of your life and now I'm convinced that it will be a fun experiment.

Humanities Core: The lecturer this week is relatively good. What I'm most concerned with is my pregnant discussion leader. First of all, I am a little bit (a lot bit) freaked out by pregnant women, and damn she is PREGNANT. Her belly button is no longer inverted. Every time I look up there I think about how there are actually TWO PEOPLE behind the podium, not just one. So she's due like 8th week of the quarter so she's leaving 6th week I believe. She made a joke about how she might go into labor in the middle of class...nobody laughed. Everyone kind of got tense and looked at each other like "how fast do you think I can drop this discussion??" She tried to smooth over that fail joke but I don't think it worked. She's really nice though, really smart and I feel like she'll be a good discussion leader. Second bad thing about this situation is that once she leaves, my professor (aka HEAD of the whole HumCore dept) is taking over. Just the last three or four weeks...oh yeah, and she's grading my research paper (70% of my grade) and my final (50% of my grade). I'M A LITTLE SCARED.

Atmosphere: This teacher is clueless. She struggles with her powerpoints and all the TAs are super ^___^ Y so they don't really know how to help her either...but it's okay. It's KIND of interesting, so far I've learned about the ozone and water vapor and great things like that. ALSO this guy: TROY HARTMAN. Surfs on air! Because really, we are at the bottom of an ocean of air! Hahaha. SO COOLLLLL. Oh and during the first class she mentioned "Pineapple Express" and EVERYONE perked up. But she didn't mean THAT kind of pineapple express...she meant the warm current of winds from Hawaii! Duh!!!

Urban Studies: Definitely love this class. The teacher is super passionate and pretty much knows EVERYTHING about every city that ever graced the face of this planet. He seriously made the three hour lecture super interesting, he has tons of pictures (that he took himself!) of cities ranging from Machu Pichu to Vienna to Beijing to Mumbai. He's super well-traveled, knowledgeable, approachable, and e's really funny too, and the class feel is just really engaging and interesting. This class is making me consider a major in urban planning or urban studies.

Besides academics, I've been rushing for PAPhi Lil Sis this week. So I went out to all their events just for fun and to meet people and they all turned out to be really cool. I'm a little wary of doing the program and I'm not completely sure I want to be invested in it yet, but we'll see what happens. The rush chair actually JUST called me and told me to come pick up an application at their booth sooo I will see how that goes.

I definitely had my gross grumpy patch on like Wednesday and Thursday. I was in the worst mood ever and every little thing was getting on my nerves but I'm pretty much over that now I think! Life is rainbows and daffodils again. I think it's cause it's Friday and it's sunny. (:

I've been in and out of my room so much this week that it's getting pretty grody...I need to clean and do laundry and catch up on reading and all that goodness.

Random highlights of the week:
-Natalie's phone call on April Fools
-watching Meher get his hair cut via Skype

DAMN spring break feels so long ago. Still missing NorCal hella-effing much but I'm keeping busy here so I won't die of loneliness.

I'm on a bus

2009-03-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

motherfuckers, take a look at me.

YES! The title is indeed true, because I am blogging to you live from the Vietnamese Bus*. Slash Highway Five. It's a great day out here on the highway for a number of reasons:
1. the sun is shining! (even though I can't feel it and all the shades are drawn..)
2. I just found out this bus has wifi. LEGIT
3. the Jacki Chan movie about the Tuxedo is playing...which is a huge upgrade from Miss Vietnam Global. (Although I do love a good pageant show)
and of course,
4. "I'm On A Boat" has been stuck in my head for the past 3-4 hours, except the remixed version that my head created, "I'm On A Bus"...it's pretty great.
All in all a successful trip thus far. My estimated arrival time in Irvine is probably around 4 or 5, and from there I have a nice lonely evening and perhaps a kickback to attend if plans legitimize. (Is that even a word?)

*For those of you who are interested, I skipped out on the sandwich after finding out that it really is actually ground liver. And no, there is no nail salon. Unfortunate, my nails could use some work.

I just looked out my window....SHIET, MIDDLE CAL! D: Shoot me now. This giant bus is gonna kill so many butterflies and bugs. And there are no nice trees and hills for me to entertain my eyes with. Which leads me to the second list of my blogpost:

Why NorCal is Far Superior (from both SoCal and MidCal, if that even counts as a segment of Cal.)
1. THE AIR. So much more fresh, crisp, clean, more adjectives that remind you of a salad. Honestly, I can see LA from some parts in Irvine and it looks kind of like Mordor. Smog is no fun, kids.
2. Trees. There are a LOT more trees. And it's just a lot more dense and green and lush. Plus we have the REAL trees (ie Redwoods) not the wimpy little trees that I don't know the names of. They're nice too, but Redwoods will always be my favorite.

3. Hills. I never really noticed, but Cupertino is constantly receiving a giant hug from the hills on pretty much all sides. And they are GREEN and fabulous. I just want to run up all of them and sing about how the hills are alive with the sound of music. But then I remind myself that I am not in that great shape and I am also not Julie Andrews, so I will content myself with driving up the hills with my friends (HOLLA highway 9!). NorCal has soo many great lookout spots; perhaps I'm just not well acquainted with Irvine enough to know where the good spots are, but so far the only place I know of is the top floor of the parking structure. WIN.

4. Character. I feel like NorCal is not as manufactured and planned as SoCal. Especially Irvine, which was plotted out specifically and planned meticulously by the Irvine Company. Hooray for having a Utopian style town (bleh) but um...I like towns and cities that grow. I can't really explain it, but just looking around the streets of NorCal you KNOW that there's character and stories and growing. SoCal just feels too materialistic and image-conscious.
5. They say we have nothing, but honestly we have everything. We have the Bay. The beaches, the hills, and everything in between. We have great cities like SF and we have Santa Cruz and scenery and real trees...and we have Tahoe! Although that is kind of a drive.
6. NorCal has tons of Priuses! I saw one that was painted really nicely; it was an ocean scene I think? Then it blended into a rainbow. THE POINT IS we are environment-friendly! Unlike Mordor and those smog producing Orcs. I hardly ever see Priuses in SoCal and when I do it makes me a little happy inside. Haha.
7. The people. This one is kind of a given.

Which leads me to the discussion of a most fabulously-spent holiday. It's hard to believe that a little less than a week ago, Nate, Crystal and I were careening down this same highway, killing bugs without a thought, heading for HOME and friends and happiness. I can honestly say, although this break seems to be ending prematurely, it was very well spent in great company. It just fits, like puzzle pieces nawmean? I guess I didn't truly realize the significance of HOME before this break, I don't know why. I have a lot more to say on this subject but as it is, this blogpost is already quite long and I know that if I got into the details it would be more self-reflective boring-for-you-to-read material. So I will hold off on that and write about random things instead.

The guy sitting catty corner from me was writing in his moleskine earlier. I wanted to pat him on the head, but I held myself back. I'm giving Nate a holla by using his fave phrase, "catty corner." And when I was asking how to spell it, this greatness happened:
N: catty and kitty are also exceptable
C: okay
C: ACCEPTABLE*
C: SHIET SON, YOU JUST GOT CORRECTED
N: shiit
C: I AM GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS.

So I did. Also he gave a really weak excuse:
N: I woke up like an hour ago so gimme a break

Hahaha, oh meepkins. Not getting off that easy. This is a victory that I am going to relish forever. CHyeah I just immortalized it into my blogspot. What now.

Last night I had a dream that I was on my way to class and I got a phone call from a mystery number. I picked it up, and it was none other than JASON MRAZ. He was calling to tell me that he wanted me to dance in his music video or something. And do you know what I said???? "Can I call you back later? I'm in class."
I take that as a really good sign for my grades next quarter. You don't just turn down Jason Mraz! I was surprised at my dream-self when I woke up.

Anyway, spring break was The Shit minus some sourness with my parents that I can forget about. I am re-energized for the hardest quarter this year, and I'm ready to work hard and slack off less. Being home reminded me that there are good people in the world and that there are reasons to prove yourself and have ambitions. It was just the breath of fresh air that I needed.

edit// 4pm
In my dorm room! Just added some pics...and this is me at the end of the Vietnamese bus trip:

YAY

and in the end

2009-03-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

"...the love you take
is equal to
the love you make."
-the end, the beatles

Reading people's blogs about coming home made me really happy. I can't wait to be back in the Bay myself next Friday night. (:

I feel like I wasted this quarter (on academic terms), and it's now when I'm re-reading material that I realize how interesting the subject matter was. It all ties together, which I'm finding really cool, because studying for one class is actually helping me understand the other classes better at the same time. I learned a lot about myself this quarter, too; specifically I found out my interest in culture and urban studies. I feel like a great example of an undeclared student; I'm like an octopus projecting out my tentacles and searching for a topic to suction myself to for four years. Ain't that a pretty picture.

The Beatles & the 60s was an amazing class and I am a fountain of Beatles trivia now! Tis quite fun. Psych was what I expected, I probably should have stayed awake during lecture more. And attended a discussion or two. Haha, out of the 10 discussions that were held I went to zero. Pat on the back for me. And Humcore was hot and cold for me. Cold being Weimar Republic, pre-war German culture, Porgy & Bess, and hot being Alberti's On Painting, Death & Life of American Cities, and coolhunting with Malcolm Gladwell. Although I did get some rather interesting material from the cold segment.

Anyway, I am excited for a break, obviously, but also to jump in to the subjects I am taking next quarter. I hope I'll realize early on how interesting it is, instead of realizing at the last moment as I am now.

Spring Quarter:
HumCore - the theme next quarter is "doing" and involves the study of music/revolutions and the such, as well as the production of a giant research paper that I am not looking forward to. Also reading some of Gandhi's work which I am looking forward to!
The Atmosphere - the course description mentioned something about weather patterns...so I'm hoping to gain insight about the weather so I can more appropriately plan what to wear every day. hah, that is what I call applying studies to every day life. Yeah honestly I don't really know what this class is about...
Stats & Probability - not looking forward to this, because as we all probably know, I am very mathematically challenged. People say stats is the easiest math to take and it is a BREEZE but for me I am still a little worried. This class takes care of a GE plus a requirement for the Bus. Man. minor so I hope I have the strength to be smart and stick with it.
Intro to Urban Studies - I'm not sure if I'm going to forsure take this class, both because it would put me at 20 units and cause it's on Thursday nights from 7-9:50. Yes. Three hours, on COLLEGE NIGHT. ): I signed up for this class last minute because the little detour that HumCore took into urban planning really interested me, and I heard the teacher is really cool. BUT STILL! Urban Studies > College night? Stay tuned.

Also next quarter I am hoping to
-study more
-exercise more
-be healthier in general
-sleep earlier

COOL! Catchya laterrr

retreat

2009-03-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

I've wrapped myself in text. My days are spent with my nose in a book, or with my eyes glued to a computer screen. Not facebooking, maybe on twitter once in a while, but generally, reading.

I'm finding this personal space and immersion in studying someone else's words very relaxing, somehow. Like I am finally doing something to counter my stupid anti-productivity of the recent past. And it's easy to just adopt someone's perspective and regurgitate; what's hard is figuring out if what is being said is right for you and if it applies to your life. Luckily for me (?), that is not what my final demands of me.

The Science Library is my new favorite place.

It's a different view by day

transformed at night.

Good luck to everyone,
on the tests that really don't matter
in subjects that may or may not interest us.